Dear Nothing - Chapter 6 {All Time Low, Sing It Loud and Bring Me the Horizon}
Dear Someone,
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I’m starting to miss him. Really, truly starting to miss him. At first, I tried my hardest to put everyone, everything on the back burner, focusing instead on survival, but he was in my dream last night and now I can’t get him out of my head. He used to hold me so close, whisper softly in my ear, tell me that he loved me and every time he said it, made sure I knew he meant it. Now he’s out there, I’m in here and I’m afraid that my resolve is going to break. I wish that I didn’t love him, that I didn’t miss him, because that would make everything easier, but at the same time, what’s the point in trying to survive, trying to get free if there isn’t that one person waiting for you on the other side? That one person who you love more than anything, who loves you more than anything?
I’m questioning, and questioning is not good no matter how you look at it. I need to be stable, I need to be sound, and I had been holding up well, but now…now I don’t know. I’m questioning life, I’m questioning my feelings, I’m even questioning my captors - what do they want from me? What if I’m wrong? What if I’m going to die here? Everything is pounding against my head in thousands and thousands of questions ranging from important to fucking useless. It’s beginning to sink in. I’m a prisoner, I have no control over my freedom and I’m starting to lose control of my mind, my heart. Everything is unclear. I’m questioning even myself, questioning everything, everyone…everyone except for Alex.
I know that, no matter what, he’s out there looking for me. The world could give up on me and he wouldn’t, but wanting to find someone does not always mean that you will, and I have no guarantee that he will come any closer to finding me than I will to escaping. I don’t know what’s got me more worked up, the fact that I can’t get to Alex or the fact that I don’t know what’s happening, what’s supposed to happen to me. They aren’t hurting me, but I’m starting to wish that they would, because at least then I would know something about this - I would be able to feel one thing for certain; that they desperately wanted to inflict physical pain.
It’s masochistic, it’s twisted, but I can’t quash the urge to feel something new, something that wasn’t created by my own thoughts. I’m longing for contact of any sort, even if it is violent. I want to be touched, held, loved, hit, beaten, kicked - anything, just to know that I’m not the only person on this earth. I want to scream that out, I want to let myself admit to anyone and everyone who may be watching that I need another person…but I’m afraid that that is exactly what they want from me, and I’ll be damned before I’ll let them have it.
-Zack Merrick
Dear Hope,
Alex Gaskarth needs me. Pat brought this boy to see me a few days ago and I can’t get him out of my head. His boyfriend is gone, kidnapped with no leads, just like I was, and he came to me for help, begging me to remember. Pat thinks that our abductions are linked, and everyone, including myself, agrees. I’ve been staying up as long as I can, studying my own thoughts, trying to come up with something, anything that could be of assistance to Alex, but I’m having so much trouble. I just want to be able to open up my thoughts, to know what I experienced while I was gone, if for no other purpose than to help Alex get his boyfriend back.
At first, I didn’t want to see him. At first, I thought that he was just another person trying to prey on my recent weakness, but he’s just as weak as I am. He was on his knees, looking up at me with eyes shining with tears, begging me to help him. He needs what I know in order to be ok, the way that I need what Pat knows. The memories are there, information that could help him save this boy, but I don’t know how to get at it. It’s like I don’t have a clearance level high enough to access my own thoughts, and if I don’t have that clearance, then no one else does either.
I’ve been sitting in my bed for the last couple of hours, just trying to think, but straining my brain doesn’t seem to be helping. Pat told me that if I couldn’t remember, there wasn’t anything I could do, but that can’t be true. I mean, someone else is missing and I’m the only person who has a link to the disappearance. I should be able to help…but I can’t and it’s driving me insane, figuratively, of course. I was scared, I was alone…and there’s someone else in the same shoes. It’s not fair.
I tried looking through my pictures. I know that the pictures Pat has brought me have little to nothing to do with the case - I mean, I’m not going to remember what happened to me by looking at pictures of the past, but I feel like if I can break down the defenses to the part of my mind that is holding those memories captive, I might be able to work towards breaking down the walls shielding the other memories. Pat has been saying that I probably can’t remember the time that I’ve forgotten because I don’t want to remember it, because it was painful for me. I think that he’s right. I mean, why else would I have repressed so much time? It wasn’t fun, it couldn’t have been…but at this point, it’s not about whether or not I want those memories present. It’s about what’s best for someone else. I want those memories out in the open, I want to be able to help Alex, so why is it so hard for my heart to tell my brain that?
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