[fic] All of You 4/7
Title: All of You
Pairings: YunJae
Rating: NC-17
Genre: AU, romance, smut, angst
Chapters: 4/7
Summary: Abandoned by his parents at the age of 6, Jaejoong's life has been nothing but a great downfall. Getting sent to prison might have meant the end to some - but for Jaejoong, it's falling in love with a mystery called Jung Yunho.
A/N: Posting this chapter a bit later than I intended, work has been a bitch lately so I haven't had much energy left after coming home for drawing... I apologize in advance in case the next chapters will be posted a bit later than usual. Sorry about it, I hope you guys aren't going to kill me D: I'll try my best though!
Anyway here's chapter 4. Is Yunho's story making you curious yet? ;)
Chapter 4
Waking up in Yunho's arms felt like heaven. He had held me the entire night, not even once letting go of me even as we slept and to be honest, I never wanted to leave his embrace. I felt like I was meant to lay there next to him, our bodies perfectly melting into each other like we were one being. The sound of the bell pulled me from my sweet slumber, reminding me that I was actually locked behind bars and not in a five-star hotel room. I never knew being in prison would be so incredibly comfortable.
Yunho tightened his hold on me and I let out a delighted laugh, wiggling my butt to get closer.
"Don't do that, Jaejoongie," Yunho groaned sleepily, turning me over and leaning in to give me a good morning kiss. His lips moved over mine languidly, tongue pushing in between my lips and I whimpered into the kiss. "It's turning me on."
"Not my problem," I giggled, pulling his lips back to mine and giving him another open mouthed kiss. Yunho's hands slid up and down my lower back as we kissed, making me feel good without going too far. He broke the kiss as soon as my breathing started to speed up and pulled back, leaving me completely breathless.
"Everyone's going to see us when they pass by our cell," Yunho reminded me but couldn't stop himself from giving me one more kiss. "Besides, aren't you having breakfast with Yoochun and Changmin?"
"They can have it without me," I shook my head and parted my lips, begging for another peck but Yunho ignored me and got up from the bed. He headed for the bathroom and so, I sighed in defeat and got up as well. Our clothes were still scattered around the floor but I made my way to the small closet to pull out a clean pair of underwear. I was barely done changing when suddenly, Yunho's hand appeared from behind the bathroom door, grabbed my wrist and pulled me inside the tiny stall.
The space was so small I was immediately pressed against Yunho's taller frame.
"Are you going to fuck me here?" I asked, but Yunho laughed, shaking his head and placed a few items in my hands. A razor and some shaving cream.
"Could you do this for me?" he asked, sitting down on the toilet seat and pointing at his chin. I traced my fingers down his lips to his jawline, feeling the light stubble with my fingertips. I liked him looking disheveled like that but wasn't going to say no.
I sat down in his lap, straddling him, and started spreading the cream over his chin and neck. Yunho played with the hem of my t-shirt, fingers grazing over skin here and there but otherwise stayed still while I was working. I started from the neck and drew the razor up towards his jaw, biting my lower lip in concentration. I barely grew beard so I wasn't that used to shaving. Yunho stretched his neck to give me more space, his fingers dipping inside my sweatpants.
"If you do that I'm going to end up shaving off your nose," I warned him, completely serious, but Yunho only laughed. I moved on to the left side of his jaw, carefully working on shaving off the hair, but I could very much feel what I was sitting on and it threw me off. Trying my best not to pay attention to Yunho's prominent erection I continued until suddenly, one of Yunho's hands slipped in between my trousers and my boxers, cupping my cock with his palm. Luckily I dropped the razor instead of accidentally cutting him.
"Yunho, you jerk!" I gasped in surprise before Yunho's lips landed on mine and kissed away the words.
After we finally stumbled out of the bathroom stall, red faced and still excited, it was almost too late for breakfast. I had to change my clothes again because Yunho had gotten them dirty, and we gathered the rest of the clothing from the floor and threw them to the laundry pile.
"I guess I should head out," Yunho muttered, already half way out the door, but I grabbed the back of his shirt and stopped him.
"Yunho," I said awkwardly like I hadn't just spent the last fifteen minutes sitting on his cock, "Would you have breakfast with me?"
"I have somewhere to be," he said, truly looking sorry for a moment but then much to my relief, nodded. "But I guess it won't hurt to be a bit late."
The looks on Changmin's and Yoochun's faces were priceless when they saw us enter the cafeteria together and join them for breakfast - hand in hand.
The next few days were spent in a way I had never in my life experienced before. Yunho spent a lot more time inside in the cell with me instead of running around and playing sports, or socializing with other prisoners like he usually did. Mostly we stayed in bed - at first trying to do something productive like reading - but always ending up kissing and cuddling and touching each other all over. The rumors of us being a couple started spreading amongst the prisoners, and everywhere we went, there were whispers and weird looks - especially directed at me. I knew my face wasn't exactly manly and that all the other inmates probably thought Yunho was using me to get off pretending I was a woman. Oddly enough, the rumors didn't really bother me when I was with him. It didn't really matter what other people thought when I was feeling so high.
I had never been able to maintain a steady relationship in my life before so I wasn't used to all that, but being together with Yunho pretty much all the time made me so happy I woke up excited every morning, eager to spend the day with him. Our entire day was like a twelve hour long foreplay - exchanging languid kisses and hesitant touches over the clothing - until the night finally came and we could fuck without anyone there to watch us. I had lost count of how many times we had done it over the past few days and finally, even my body had gotten used to having him inside me. There was only pleasure without a single hint of pain and with every time we had sex, I started wanting more and more of him. I just couldn't get enough.
However, I regretted telling him we were only going to be friends. Yunho was either lying to himself or he was truly stupid enough to believe it when we really were anything but. Friends didn't spend all their time lusting over each other and fucking every chance they got. I wasn't sure why I had said it to him in the first place - probably because he had said we couldn't be together and I still selfishly wanted him - but the words had been told and I couldn't take them back now. If pretending to be just friends was the key to get Yunho I was going to make that sacrifice and keep how I really felt to myself. Of course I wanted him to be much much more, but at this point I wasn't going to risk our happiness for my selfish needs.
Then one day, when it was raining outside and we were lying in bed, I realized he most likely felt something too.
I was on my back, reading one of Yunho's violent comic books that had too many plot twists for me to grasp what exactly was going on when I felt him move beside me, and slowly pull the book away from my fingers. Yunho was on the bed next to me, resting his head against his palm and looking down at me with a tender smile on his bow-shaped lips.
"What is it?" I asked, pretending to be annoyed, but Yunho shook his head and took a hold of my chin, slowly running his fingers down my jaw line to my lips. I stayed still and met his gaze, thinking he probably wanted sex but saw something in his eyes that made my heart beats speed up. The book slid down and landed on the floor with a quiet thump.
He leaned in to place the gentlest of kisses on my lips and pulled back to continue caressing my jawline. His fingers trailed over my brow line, up against my cheekbones and down the high curve of my nose - even briefly brushing over my eyelashes with his thumb. I couldn't take my eyes off him because I was afraid of ruining the perfect moment. He was so gentle I was bewildered.
"Jaejoong?" Yunho mumbled quietly, tucking a strand of short hair behind my ear.
"Yeah?" I hummed in anticipation, knowing this was going to be it. He was going to say it, to confess and I would say it back, and tell him how I had always felt.
"I'm starting to feel like..." he started but then hesitated, "Jaejoong... I..."
I continued to stare up at him without having the courage to say anything.
"Jaejoong..." he sighed, smiling at himself, "I guess I really like saying your name."
I let out a breathless laugh, wanting so bad with every fiber of my being to hear he felt something too. But no words came out of Yunho's mouth - instead he pulled me close and hugged me to his chest. Breathing in his scent, I closed my eyes and bit my lip to stop myself from telling him it all.
I couldn't deny it any longer - I was falling for him so badly that everything I had ever felt before seemed like a complete joke.
One thing that I was having a hard time with was still not knowing what had happened to Yunho for him to get sentenced to prison. He had told me so much about his life I was surprised he hadn't accidentally said something about the reason for him ending up in jail, and I was starting to think it was something so horrible he was afraid it was going to scare me away. I started imagining all sort of twisted scenarios with him having to take someone's life, but none of the theories felt believable enough. In my imagination Yunho had ended up killing someone because he was either trying to protect himself or someone else, but it was silly to think so when he might as well have been a serial killer for all I knew. People weren't like that and even though Yunho seemed like the sweetest guy ever, my judgement in character might have been blinded by the fact that I was in love with him.
The other weird thing that bothered me was that he always disappeared after breakfast and went somewhere for a couple hours where I couldn't go. I had asked about it but he had offered me no explanation at all and so, it got to the point where I started walking around the prison trying to find him. I wasn't sure if everything was so well between us two that I started coming up with issues myself, but still it was clear Yunho was keeping secrets from me. He wasn't out on the yard, not in the library or down in the basement working - it was like he had disappeared completely but he couldn't have left the prison.
And so, one day after breakfast, I followed him. Yunho had eaten breakfast with me and the other guys and excused himself even sooner than usual and so, I couldn't resist the temptation. I got up, not caring about the confused looks on Changmin's and Yoochun's faces, and walked so far behind him there was no way for him to spot me when the corridors were bustling with prisoners going down to the cafeteria or coming back up. He was dressed in his blue prison uniform, greeted a few people on the way, and proceeded all the way to the left wing of the building where I hadn't been before. The hallway was quiet and I had to slow down even more to avoid getting caught, but then, he took a quick turn around the corner causing me to lose sight of him.
Once I reached the turn the hallway was already empty. There were doors on both sides of the narrow aisle, a bench, and some painting on the wall but no Yunho. I had a feeling I wasn't supposed to be there. He had disappeared into thin air and so I stood there, looking around in confusion. I hadn't realized a guard had approached me before he took a firm hold of my shoulder.
"Where are you going?" he asked me, turning me around and meeting my panicky gaze. It was a nice looking guard but I knew not to trust him too soon.
"I'm just walking around," I lied just in case I wasn't supposed to be there.
"Are you sick?" the guard asked me again and explained more once he saw the confused look on my face, "The nurse's office is that way."
"Oh no, I just really got lost," I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest like I was trying to protect myself. All kinds of horrible ideas had just popped into my head and I was trying real hard to shake them off.
"Listen kid..." the guard rumbled, but I didn't listen. I turned around and tried to get away as fast as possible, leaving the confused guard shaking his head at my behavior.
Had Yunho went to the nurse's office? Was he sick or... Could the nurse have been a woman Yunho was interested in? Why did he have to go there every day? What if his secret was that he was dying and he hadn't told me about it? What if he was fucking someone else?
My heart was beating so fast I could hear blood gushing down my veins and my heart beating irregularly as I tried to get back to our cell as soon as possible. I bumped into someone on the way but didn't stop there to apologize even though I heard shouts coming from behind me. I needed to think. Screw everyone else.
I was going to have to behave like I hadn't seen anything because Yunho probably wouldn't be too pleased about me following him around like a dog. As soon as I reached our cell I sat down on the bed, burying my face into my hands. It had been stupid of me to follow him like that - now I felt even worse and I was going to have to pretend like nothing had happened. I was worried to death with all the possibilities and couldn't come up with even one good reason for him having to visit the nurse every day. By the time he got back I was completely certain Yunho was dying of cancer or something equally as bad.
"Want to go outside and read in the sun?" Yunho suggested, smiling brightly and looking down on the bed where I was curled up. I knew reading meant he wanted to go out, sit in the grass and kiss and touch when no-one was looking, but I had to get myself together before spending any more time with him. He couldn't find out or he would dump me in a heartbeat.
"I'm tired," I lied again, pulling the blanket up to cover my pathetic self from his questioning gaze. Lying to him was horrible but I couldn't help it.
"Do you want me to stay here with you? We could take a nap and..."
"I'm really not in the mood," I said, sounding ruder than I had intended. "I just want to be alone."
"Oh," Yunho said, looking puzzled like he wasn't sure if he had done something wrong, "Okay. I'll just go out and run a few laps then, alright?"
I turned my back to him and didn't reply. I felt his gaze burn holes into my back before he left the room and I was finally able to breathe. How could I convince him to tell me everything? Certainly not by following him around and not trusting him... But if he was sick I really needed to know. Did Yunho not trust me enough with his secrets? Or was he fucking some pretty nurse in a skimpy outfit behind my back? He really didn't seem sick. And what about the thick scar on his side under his ribs? What if he'd already had surgery to try to cure the sickness?
It had all been too perfect between us two until now, I should have known things were bound to go downhill from here. My life in general had been a great downward spiral and it probably wasn't going to end there. What if he hadn't visited the nurse's room, where could have he gone from there? I should have been more careful and looked around a bit more. Maybe tomorrow I should follow him again and find out a bit more. I needed to know everything so bad it hurt. Maybe for just one night, I could pretend like I was alright.
I got up from the bed, walked up to our tiny window and looked down at the courtyard. Yunho was playing basket ball with two other guys and they all looked very relaxed shooting hoops. It was hard watching him when I was having such a huge inner turmoil. I wanted all of him to be mine just as bad as I wanted to be his. I knew the lack of self-confidence I had was partly because of my unfortunate past - I had already lost everything, but losing Yunho was something I wasn't prepared for. It had been such a long time since the last time I'd had something in my life worth fighting for I wasn't sure how to deal with it. How had my feelings gotten so intense in such a short time?
Yunho returned after a few hours, just before bed time. I felt horrible for telling him I wanted to be alone and even worse when he walked up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist and hug me from the back as I continued to watch out of the window without really seeing anything.
"Is something wrong?" Yunho asked, pecking my shoulder and slowly rocking our bodies together.
"No," I said at first but then, before managing to stop myself blurted out, "How do you feel about fucking other people?"
Yunho let go of me immediately.
"What do you mean?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I turned around to face him and sighed. I had to do something or else he would abandon me like everyone else had before him.
"I'm just saying... It's alright if you want to."
"Why would I want to fuck other people?" Yunho questioned, completely stunned.
"I don't know," I mumbled, eyeing him suspiciously in case Yunho showed any signs he might have already been doing it. "We're friends, remember?"
"Am I not doing it right?" Yunho honestly looked like I had just said something horrendous, "You don't think it feels good when we have sex? Is it... Is it too small or something?"
"What?" I stuttered slightly, stomach turning at the disappointed expression on Yunho's face. He was actually an idiot for thinking there was something wrong with our sex life. I couldn't even imagine better than what I'd had with him. "It's nothing like that! It feels fine!"
"Then why are you saying we should fuck other people?"
"I'm not saying-"
"Then what the fuck are you talking about?" Yunho demanded, gradually getting more and more annoyed with me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
"Are you sick?"
"What?"
"Are you dying?" I cried out in distress, my voice coming out so panicky I was embarrassed of myself. "What's the scar under your ribs? Are you seeing someone else?"
"Jaejoong," Yunho said my name and took a hold of my shoulders determinedly, "What the fuck is the matter with you? Did you take something?"
"Just tell me if you're sick, please Yunho," I whimpered, placing both of my hands on Yunho's chest. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to a comforting hug. I loved being close to him almost too much.
"I'm not sick, Jaejoong," he assured, petting my hair softly, "Where in the world did you get that idea?"
"It doesn't matter," I shook my head and pulled back from his embrace. I had to ask or I might never find out.
"Why are you here, Yunho? What did you do?"
The look on Yunho's face darkened into an expression I hadn't seen before. He let go of me and shoved his hands in his pockets, the sides of his lips turning down into a scowl as he pondered how to response.
"I can't tell you that, Jaejoong."
"You don't trust me? Do you think I'm going to go around telling everyone who you killed?"
"It's not about trust, I just can't," Yunho told me angrily, "No matter what we... Whatever I might feel about... About us, I will never tell you."
"What's so horrible you can't say it to my face?" I shouted back, all the uncertainty inside me suddenly turning into anger, "I don't care if you killed a hundred people, I only care about you!"
"You should care if I killed a hundred people," he said, shaking his head in disbelief, "Is your opinion of yourself so low you're willing to get together with anyone?"
"You're not just anyone!" I felt tears stinging my eyes as I fought back, "I've had nothing for so long, I've always been alone but now when... When I finally found something I want to have you won't come to me!"
"You just told me we were nothing but friends!" Yunho shouted, not caring if the whole floor heard us. I had never seen him look like that and it was all my fault, I had made him angry.
"Maybe I don't want to be just friends!"
"Being with me is dangerous! I'm dangerous!" Yunho grabbed me again, causing my heart to jump up to my throat. "Why can't you see that!"
"I don't care!" I was still trying to stop the tears from flowing but at this point I couldn't even see straight. The door to our cell had been closed and I couldn't even run away from him and cry my heart out. I didn't want him to see me break down - I had been strong so long I simply had to keep myself together if I ever wanted to face him again. Why had being with Yunho made me become such a mess?
"What I did... What happened because of me is what I am," he explained, gritting his teeth, "I can never have a normal life again, I can never give you what you want from me."
I bit my lip, looked down and didn't reply. Feeling the weight of his words wash over me was even worse than what I had experienced earlier on the day. A hundred times worse.
"I can't give you more than I already have," Yunho stated, finally ending the argument.
He waited for a moment but when I didn't reply, turned his back to me and climbed up to his own bed. Yunho was facing the wall so I didn't have any idea what he was thinking.
"I'm going to sleep now," he said, voice still heavy with disappointment.
I nodded silently, moved the bed covers aside and slipped into the bottom bunk, completely speechless. There was a freezing cold feeling spreading from my chest to all around my body like my heart had broken down and turned to ice. I couldn't even cry.
It was the first night in a very long while for us to not sleep together.
Free Counters
Pairings: YunJae
Rating: NC-17
Genre: AU, romance, smut, angst
Chapters: 4/7
Summary: Abandoned by his parents at the age of 6, Jaejoong's life has been nothing but a great downfall. Getting sent to prison might have meant the end to some - but for Jaejoong, it's falling in love with a mystery called Jung Yunho.
A/N: Posting this chapter a bit later than I intended, work has been a bitch lately so I haven't had much energy left after coming home for drawing... I apologize in advance in case the next chapters will be posted a bit later than usual. Sorry about it, I hope you guys aren't going to kill me D: I'll try my best though!
Anyway here's chapter 4. Is Yunho's story making you curious yet? ;)
Chapter 4
Waking up in Yunho's arms felt like heaven. He had held me the entire night, not even once letting go of me even as we slept and to be honest, I never wanted to leave his embrace. I felt like I was meant to lay there next to him, our bodies perfectly melting into each other like we were one being. The sound of the bell pulled me from my sweet slumber, reminding me that I was actually locked behind bars and not in a five-star hotel room. I never knew being in prison would be so incredibly comfortable.
Yunho tightened his hold on me and I let out a delighted laugh, wiggling my butt to get closer.
"Don't do that, Jaejoongie," Yunho groaned sleepily, turning me over and leaning in to give me a good morning kiss. His lips moved over mine languidly, tongue pushing in between my lips and I whimpered into the kiss. "It's turning me on."
"Not my problem," I giggled, pulling his lips back to mine and giving him another open mouthed kiss. Yunho's hands slid up and down my lower back as we kissed, making me feel good without going too far. He broke the kiss as soon as my breathing started to speed up and pulled back, leaving me completely breathless.
"Everyone's going to see us when they pass by our cell," Yunho reminded me but couldn't stop himself from giving me one more kiss. "Besides, aren't you having breakfast with Yoochun and Changmin?"
"They can have it without me," I shook my head and parted my lips, begging for another peck but Yunho ignored me and got up from the bed. He headed for the bathroom and so, I sighed in defeat and got up as well. Our clothes were still scattered around the floor but I made my way to the small closet to pull out a clean pair of underwear. I was barely done changing when suddenly, Yunho's hand appeared from behind the bathroom door, grabbed my wrist and pulled me inside the tiny stall.
The space was so small I was immediately pressed against Yunho's taller frame.
"Are you going to fuck me here?" I asked, but Yunho laughed, shaking his head and placed a few items in my hands. A razor and some shaving cream.
"Could you do this for me?" he asked, sitting down on the toilet seat and pointing at his chin. I traced my fingers down his lips to his jawline, feeling the light stubble with my fingertips. I liked him looking disheveled like that but wasn't going to say no.
I sat down in his lap, straddling him, and started spreading the cream over his chin and neck. Yunho played with the hem of my t-shirt, fingers grazing over skin here and there but otherwise stayed still while I was working. I started from the neck and drew the razor up towards his jaw, biting my lower lip in concentration. I barely grew beard so I wasn't that used to shaving. Yunho stretched his neck to give me more space, his fingers dipping inside my sweatpants.
"If you do that I'm going to end up shaving off your nose," I warned him, completely serious, but Yunho only laughed. I moved on to the left side of his jaw, carefully working on shaving off the hair, but I could very much feel what I was sitting on and it threw me off. Trying my best not to pay attention to Yunho's prominent erection I continued until suddenly, one of Yunho's hands slipped in between my trousers and my boxers, cupping my cock with his palm. Luckily I dropped the razor instead of accidentally cutting him.
"Yunho, you jerk!" I gasped in surprise before Yunho's lips landed on mine and kissed away the words.
After we finally stumbled out of the bathroom stall, red faced and still excited, it was almost too late for breakfast. I had to change my clothes again because Yunho had gotten them dirty, and we gathered the rest of the clothing from the floor and threw them to the laundry pile.
"I guess I should head out," Yunho muttered, already half way out the door, but I grabbed the back of his shirt and stopped him.
"Yunho," I said awkwardly like I hadn't just spent the last fifteen minutes sitting on his cock, "Would you have breakfast with me?"
"I have somewhere to be," he said, truly looking sorry for a moment but then much to my relief, nodded. "But I guess it won't hurt to be a bit late."
The looks on Changmin's and Yoochun's faces were priceless when they saw us enter the cafeteria together and join them for breakfast - hand in hand.
The next few days were spent in a way I had never in my life experienced before. Yunho spent a lot more time inside in the cell with me instead of running around and playing sports, or socializing with other prisoners like he usually did. Mostly we stayed in bed - at first trying to do something productive like reading - but always ending up kissing and cuddling and touching each other all over. The rumors of us being a couple started spreading amongst the prisoners, and everywhere we went, there were whispers and weird looks - especially directed at me. I knew my face wasn't exactly manly and that all the other inmates probably thought Yunho was using me to get off pretending I was a woman. Oddly enough, the rumors didn't really bother me when I was with him. It didn't really matter what other people thought when I was feeling so high.
I had never been able to maintain a steady relationship in my life before so I wasn't used to all that, but being together with Yunho pretty much all the time made me so happy I woke up excited every morning, eager to spend the day with him. Our entire day was like a twelve hour long foreplay - exchanging languid kisses and hesitant touches over the clothing - until the night finally came and we could fuck without anyone there to watch us. I had lost count of how many times we had done it over the past few days and finally, even my body had gotten used to having him inside me. There was only pleasure without a single hint of pain and with every time we had sex, I started wanting more and more of him. I just couldn't get enough.
However, I regretted telling him we were only going to be friends. Yunho was either lying to himself or he was truly stupid enough to believe it when we really were anything but. Friends didn't spend all their time lusting over each other and fucking every chance they got. I wasn't sure why I had said it to him in the first place - probably because he had said we couldn't be together and I still selfishly wanted him - but the words had been told and I couldn't take them back now. If pretending to be just friends was the key to get Yunho I was going to make that sacrifice and keep how I really felt to myself. Of course I wanted him to be much much more, but at this point I wasn't going to risk our happiness for my selfish needs.
Then one day, when it was raining outside and we were lying in bed, I realized he most likely felt something too.
I was on my back, reading one of Yunho's violent comic books that had too many plot twists for me to grasp what exactly was going on when I felt him move beside me, and slowly pull the book away from my fingers. Yunho was on the bed next to me, resting his head against his palm and looking down at me with a tender smile on his bow-shaped lips.
"What is it?" I asked, pretending to be annoyed, but Yunho shook his head and took a hold of my chin, slowly running his fingers down my jaw line to my lips. I stayed still and met his gaze, thinking he probably wanted sex but saw something in his eyes that made my heart beats speed up. The book slid down and landed on the floor with a quiet thump.
He leaned in to place the gentlest of kisses on my lips and pulled back to continue caressing my jawline. His fingers trailed over my brow line, up against my cheekbones and down the high curve of my nose - even briefly brushing over my eyelashes with his thumb. I couldn't take my eyes off him because I was afraid of ruining the perfect moment. He was so gentle I was bewildered.
"Jaejoong?" Yunho mumbled quietly, tucking a strand of short hair behind my ear.
"Yeah?" I hummed in anticipation, knowing this was going to be it. He was going to say it, to confess and I would say it back, and tell him how I had always felt.
"I'm starting to feel like..." he started but then hesitated, "Jaejoong... I..."
I continued to stare up at him without having the courage to say anything.
"Jaejoong..." he sighed, smiling at himself, "I guess I really like saying your name."
I let out a breathless laugh, wanting so bad with every fiber of my being to hear he felt something too. But no words came out of Yunho's mouth - instead he pulled me close and hugged me to his chest. Breathing in his scent, I closed my eyes and bit my lip to stop myself from telling him it all.
I couldn't deny it any longer - I was falling for him so badly that everything I had ever felt before seemed like a complete joke.
One thing that I was having a hard time with was still not knowing what had happened to Yunho for him to get sentenced to prison. He had told me so much about his life I was surprised he hadn't accidentally said something about the reason for him ending up in jail, and I was starting to think it was something so horrible he was afraid it was going to scare me away. I started imagining all sort of twisted scenarios with him having to take someone's life, but none of the theories felt believable enough. In my imagination Yunho had ended up killing someone because he was either trying to protect himself or someone else, but it was silly to think so when he might as well have been a serial killer for all I knew. People weren't like that and even though Yunho seemed like the sweetest guy ever, my judgement in character might have been blinded by the fact that I was in love with him.
The other weird thing that bothered me was that he always disappeared after breakfast and went somewhere for a couple hours where I couldn't go. I had asked about it but he had offered me no explanation at all and so, it got to the point where I started walking around the prison trying to find him. I wasn't sure if everything was so well between us two that I started coming up with issues myself, but still it was clear Yunho was keeping secrets from me. He wasn't out on the yard, not in the library or down in the basement working - it was like he had disappeared completely but he couldn't have left the prison.
And so, one day after breakfast, I followed him. Yunho had eaten breakfast with me and the other guys and excused himself even sooner than usual and so, I couldn't resist the temptation. I got up, not caring about the confused looks on Changmin's and Yoochun's faces, and walked so far behind him there was no way for him to spot me when the corridors were bustling with prisoners going down to the cafeteria or coming back up. He was dressed in his blue prison uniform, greeted a few people on the way, and proceeded all the way to the left wing of the building where I hadn't been before. The hallway was quiet and I had to slow down even more to avoid getting caught, but then, he took a quick turn around the corner causing me to lose sight of him.
Once I reached the turn the hallway was already empty. There were doors on both sides of the narrow aisle, a bench, and some painting on the wall but no Yunho. I had a feeling I wasn't supposed to be there. He had disappeared into thin air and so I stood there, looking around in confusion. I hadn't realized a guard had approached me before he took a firm hold of my shoulder.
"Where are you going?" he asked me, turning me around and meeting my panicky gaze. It was a nice looking guard but I knew not to trust him too soon.
"I'm just walking around," I lied just in case I wasn't supposed to be there.
"Are you sick?" the guard asked me again and explained more once he saw the confused look on my face, "The nurse's office is that way."
"Oh no, I just really got lost," I shook my head, crossing my arms over my chest like I was trying to protect myself. All kinds of horrible ideas had just popped into my head and I was trying real hard to shake them off.
"Listen kid..." the guard rumbled, but I didn't listen. I turned around and tried to get away as fast as possible, leaving the confused guard shaking his head at my behavior.
Had Yunho went to the nurse's office? Was he sick or... Could the nurse have been a woman Yunho was interested in? Why did he have to go there every day? What if his secret was that he was dying and he hadn't told me about it? What if he was fucking someone else?
My heart was beating so fast I could hear blood gushing down my veins and my heart beating irregularly as I tried to get back to our cell as soon as possible. I bumped into someone on the way but didn't stop there to apologize even though I heard shouts coming from behind me. I needed to think. Screw everyone else.
I was going to have to behave like I hadn't seen anything because Yunho probably wouldn't be too pleased about me following him around like a dog. As soon as I reached our cell I sat down on the bed, burying my face into my hands. It had been stupid of me to follow him like that - now I felt even worse and I was going to have to pretend like nothing had happened. I was worried to death with all the possibilities and couldn't come up with even one good reason for him having to visit the nurse every day. By the time he got back I was completely certain Yunho was dying of cancer or something equally as bad.
"Want to go outside and read in the sun?" Yunho suggested, smiling brightly and looking down on the bed where I was curled up. I knew reading meant he wanted to go out, sit in the grass and kiss and touch when no-one was looking, but I had to get myself together before spending any more time with him. He couldn't find out or he would dump me in a heartbeat.
"I'm tired," I lied again, pulling the blanket up to cover my pathetic self from his questioning gaze. Lying to him was horrible but I couldn't help it.
"Do you want me to stay here with you? We could take a nap and..."
"I'm really not in the mood," I said, sounding ruder than I had intended. "I just want to be alone."
"Oh," Yunho said, looking puzzled like he wasn't sure if he had done something wrong, "Okay. I'll just go out and run a few laps then, alright?"
I turned my back to him and didn't reply. I felt his gaze burn holes into my back before he left the room and I was finally able to breathe. How could I convince him to tell me everything? Certainly not by following him around and not trusting him... But if he was sick I really needed to know. Did Yunho not trust me enough with his secrets? Or was he fucking some pretty nurse in a skimpy outfit behind my back? He really didn't seem sick. And what about the thick scar on his side under his ribs? What if he'd already had surgery to try to cure the sickness?
It had all been too perfect between us two until now, I should have known things were bound to go downhill from here. My life in general had been a great downward spiral and it probably wasn't going to end there. What if he hadn't visited the nurse's room, where could have he gone from there? I should have been more careful and looked around a bit more. Maybe tomorrow I should follow him again and find out a bit more. I needed to know everything so bad it hurt. Maybe for just one night, I could pretend like I was alright.
I got up from the bed, walked up to our tiny window and looked down at the courtyard. Yunho was playing basket ball with two other guys and they all looked very relaxed shooting hoops. It was hard watching him when I was having such a huge inner turmoil. I wanted all of him to be mine just as bad as I wanted to be his. I knew the lack of self-confidence I had was partly because of my unfortunate past - I had already lost everything, but losing Yunho was something I wasn't prepared for. It had been such a long time since the last time I'd had something in my life worth fighting for I wasn't sure how to deal with it. How had my feelings gotten so intense in such a short time?
Yunho returned after a few hours, just before bed time. I felt horrible for telling him I wanted to be alone and even worse when he walked up behind me to wrap his arms around my waist and hug me from the back as I continued to watch out of the window without really seeing anything.
"Is something wrong?" Yunho asked, pecking my shoulder and slowly rocking our bodies together.
"No," I said at first but then, before managing to stop myself blurted out, "How do you feel about fucking other people?"
Yunho let go of me immediately.
"What do you mean?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I turned around to face him and sighed. I had to do something or else he would abandon me like everyone else had before him.
"I'm just saying... It's alright if you want to."
"Why would I want to fuck other people?" Yunho questioned, completely stunned.
"I don't know," I mumbled, eyeing him suspiciously in case Yunho showed any signs he might have already been doing it. "We're friends, remember?"
"Am I not doing it right?" Yunho honestly looked like I had just said something horrendous, "You don't think it feels good when we have sex? Is it... Is it too small or something?"
"What?" I stuttered slightly, stomach turning at the disappointed expression on Yunho's face. He was actually an idiot for thinking there was something wrong with our sex life. I couldn't even imagine better than what I'd had with him. "It's nothing like that! It feels fine!"
"Then why are you saying we should fuck other people?"
"I'm not saying-"
"Then what the fuck are you talking about?" Yunho demanded, gradually getting more and more annoyed with me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die.
"Are you sick?"
"What?"
"Are you dying?" I cried out in distress, my voice coming out so panicky I was embarrassed of myself. "What's the scar under your ribs? Are you seeing someone else?"
"Jaejoong," Yunho said my name and took a hold of my shoulders determinedly, "What the fuck is the matter with you? Did you take something?"
"Just tell me if you're sick, please Yunho," I whimpered, placing both of my hands on Yunho's chest. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close to a comforting hug. I loved being close to him almost too much.
"I'm not sick, Jaejoong," he assured, petting my hair softly, "Where in the world did you get that idea?"
"It doesn't matter," I shook my head and pulled back from his embrace. I had to ask or I might never find out.
"Why are you here, Yunho? What did you do?"
The look on Yunho's face darkened into an expression I hadn't seen before. He let go of me and shoved his hands in his pockets, the sides of his lips turning down into a scowl as he pondered how to response.
"I can't tell you that, Jaejoong."
"You don't trust me? Do you think I'm going to go around telling everyone who you killed?"
"It's not about trust, I just can't," Yunho told me angrily, "No matter what we... Whatever I might feel about... About us, I will never tell you."
"What's so horrible you can't say it to my face?" I shouted back, all the uncertainty inside me suddenly turning into anger, "I don't care if you killed a hundred people, I only care about you!"
"You should care if I killed a hundred people," he said, shaking his head in disbelief, "Is your opinion of yourself so low you're willing to get together with anyone?"
"You're not just anyone!" I felt tears stinging my eyes as I fought back, "I've had nothing for so long, I've always been alone but now when... When I finally found something I want to have you won't come to me!"
"You just told me we were nothing but friends!" Yunho shouted, not caring if the whole floor heard us. I had never seen him look like that and it was all my fault, I had made him angry.
"Maybe I don't want to be just friends!"
"Being with me is dangerous! I'm dangerous!" Yunho grabbed me again, causing my heart to jump up to my throat. "Why can't you see that!"
"I don't care!" I was still trying to stop the tears from flowing but at this point I couldn't even see straight. The door to our cell had been closed and I couldn't even run away from him and cry my heart out. I didn't want him to see me break down - I had been strong so long I simply had to keep myself together if I ever wanted to face him again. Why had being with Yunho made me become such a mess?
"What I did... What happened because of me is what I am," he explained, gritting his teeth, "I can never have a normal life again, I can never give you what you want from me."
I bit my lip, looked down and didn't reply. Feeling the weight of his words wash over me was even worse than what I had experienced earlier on the day. A hundred times worse.
"I can't give you more than I already have," Yunho stated, finally ending the argument.
He waited for a moment but when I didn't reply, turned his back to me and climbed up to his own bed. Yunho was facing the wall so I didn't have any idea what he was thinking.
"I'm going to sleep now," he said, voice still heavy with disappointment.
I nodded silently, moved the bed covers aside and slipped into the bottom bunk, completely speechless. There was a freezing cold feeling spreading from my chest to all around my body like my heart had broken down and turned to ice. I couldn't even cry.
It was the first night in a very long while for us to not sleep together.
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