To my co-founders in the 'I Love Jane' fan club. lol
Title: Comfort
Author: happywriter06
Fandom: Prison Break
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Lincoln Burrows/Jane Phillips, LJ Burrows
Category: Gen/Het (Post-escape, Season 3 AU)
Summary: A fic about the relationships between these characters from Jane and LJ’s POV.
Notes: For
foxriver_lady’s and
domfangirl’s birthday. *whispers also for
pamalax’s April Challenge from 2007. don’t look at me like you’ve never been really, really, really late with a challenge before.* A huge, huge thank you to my beta
snowwhite22. She deserves 75% credit on this one. Also, this fic is part of my Can’t Help Getting Attached series, which can be found in My Fic Library. I got one more to write in it and I promise it won’t take me a year to write it. At least I hope it doesn’t.
(1)
Your knees hit the hardwood floor. Pain radiates through your body but you don’t really feel it. Your hands are on the floor, too. You’re sucking in air because it’s hard to breathe. You can’t keep your eyes open. Exonerated. You can’t hear anything but the sound of your own heart, like it’s between your ears. Right between your ears. So loud. EXONERATED. You feel her hands on your shoulders pushing you up. Then you feel her arms around you pulling you close. You feel her tears as they soak through your shirt as yours soak through hers.
LJ can’t help but remember that moment in time, one of many that managed to change his world so completely each and every time. He remembers feeling hopeful, like the nightmare was over, like he could be with dad, Uncle Mike and Vee. He could use his real name and be that much closer to the day when he didn’t have to look over his shoulder.
“Hey,” Jane says, placing her hand over his on the shared armrest.
“Hey,” he says back as he pulls his eyes away from the window to look at her. She’s looking at him with worried eyes.
“You okay?” He knows he’s been quiet all day and that she’s worried even if she shouldn’t be. It’s not over but he’s okay with that because he has to be. He’s going to be the kid that let his father walk away. He’s going to be brave even if it seems to be harder this time around.
“Yeah.” He gives her a small smile. “I was just thinking. I can’t believe it’s still not over.”
“It’ll be over for your uncle soon.” She squeezes his hand. “I promise.”
He knows it to be true, after all he’s still here and all in one piece, something he was sure would happen. They say first impressions are lasting. The image of Jane standing there - not even slightly dazed - after his dad’s head split her lip etched itself into his brain, showing up whenever he thought he was being followed, whenever he thought he saw someone he shouldn’t. She didn’t make him believe he was completely out of danger - she made it clear that it wasn’t possible - but she made him believe he’d see his dad and uncle again. Sometimes he thinks she should have been with Dad and Uncle Mike instead of with him. Maybe they both would be free. Maybe his grandfather would still be alive.
He’d said as much the minute she told him they were off to Panama; not to have fun in the sun but to get his uncle out of prison. He remembers erupting like a volcano, feeling betrayed because he was sure once he heard the news it was over. So fucking sure. He thought he was done having to be brave. He could be a kid again. He remembers that feeling of weariness descending upon him again seeping into his skin and bones just as quickly as it had left. He wanted to shrug it off for good and couldn’t so he yelled at her.
He doesn’t remember all that he said but he remembers blaming her because she had worked for The Company. And how could she have not known what they were all about? And how could her and her people not have done anything in all these years? It was her fault and his grandfather’s fault that they were all in this mess. He heard the words bouncing off the walls of his room. It was like it had shrunk to a tenth of its normal size. His voice was louder than it had ever been before. He knew he was hurting her but he really didn’t care.
She took it all, standing in his room, arms folded across her chest, just waiting. Her eyes reflected no emotion, just absolute blankness just like every other feature on her face. Not a sad smile or a grimace or even shock at the scene before her.
When he was done, he sank onto his bed, feeling better and worse at the same time. She sat down next to him and told him the plan as if nothing had happened. When she was done, he started to apologize. She told him he had nothing to be sorry for. She kissed the top of his head, her lips lingering just for a bit as if she was saying sorry. He almost reached up to grip her hands as they held his face. He said sorry anyway to the door as it closed behind her.
It’s now when he thinks of apologies his mind drifts from the most recent past to months ago. “I never went to see my uncle when he was in Fox River.” From the corner of his eye, he can tell she has looked up. He doesn’t look at her this time; instead he focuses on the headrest in front of him. He doesn’t know why now he’s bringing this up. They never talked about his uncle’s time in Fox River let alone his father’s. He never wanted to talk about it and she never pushed. “I was so pissed off at him. First, my dad and then him. I was there to see my Dad and I didn’t even....” He stops, the lump in his throat growing bigger with every word. “Do you think…?”
“I think,” she says, wrapping one arm around his shoulders pulling him close. “No, I know your uncle understands.” His presses his face into her shoulder, her head resting on his. “He’s not going to care about that. He’s just going to be happy to see you, though he probably won’t recognize you. What, with the new haircut.”
“Does this mean I’ll get to go see him this time?” He doesn’t lift his head to look her in the eye when he asks. He doesn’t want to see that look in her eye. She told him about Sona only after he wouldn’t let the issue drop. He didn’t understand why she wasn’t going to be totally upfront about this when before she had no problem answering his other questions. She told him this time it was different because Sona isn’t like Fox River, that Fox River is a picnic compared to Sona, and that’s all that he needed to know. The look in her eye said she wouldn’t wish Sona on her worse enemy. She didn’t want him to worry any more than he would without knowing what kind of place his uncle found himself in this time around.
She sighs. “We talked about this but if you want, ask your father. He’s going to say no and when he does, let it go. Besides, you’ll see him soon enough. I promised remember?” He remembers.
Even when his uncle was very busy and he and his dad weren’t talking, his uncle made time for him. He just wants to see his uncle. It’s been too long and he’s feeling too guilty about not seeing him when he had the chance. He didn’t know he wouldn’t have the chance to forgive him, to go and see him. That fact doesn’t make him feel any better though.
“Okay, okay,” he says wiping his face, sitting back up just as the pilot announces the plane is ready to make its descent. He laughs to himself as the pilot announces it’s already eighty-eight degrees with seventy percent humidity and it’s only eleven in the morning.
“What’s so funny?” Jane asks.
“It’s hot like that all the time, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, now my dad really has an excuse not to button up.”
“He should just not wear a shirt then.” He can tell by the look on her face she hadn’t meant to say that, at least not out loud.
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” he teases. His smile grows bigger as a faint blush creeps into Jane’s cheeks.
“I know you’re just teasing me to take my mind off of landing.”
“Of course.” For a woman in her line of work, he still can’t believe she hates flying. So he holds her hand and cracks jokes trying to take her mind off the landing and at the same time take his off of the growing nervousness in the pit of his stomach.
It’s always been like this. Whenever he was to meet up with his dad after days, weeks, sometimes months of limited to no contact, no matter how angry he was, there was always an undercurrent of nervousness. He was always nervous that things would be different. That they, that things, had changed so much so they could never get back those days when everything was good by their standards.
He squeezes Jane’s hand tighter more so for himself than for her.
(2)
She’s nervous as they leave the plane, as they make their way to baggage claim where Lincoln surely waits. They spent a few hours together months ago - it seems like a lifetime ago - had spoken on the phone several times and now they’ll be living in the same house. She had hoped that when this time came she’d be dropping LJ off, reuniting father and son and going back to her old life, one far less complicated in terms of emotional attachments.
She can barely hear LJ talking to her over the noise of the other passengers and the voice over the intercom. It was decided that they would take a commercial flight. Being in public would afford them more protection should The Company still have a need to off them. She’s pretty sure they do since Michael being in Sona only makes sense if The Company isn’t through with them yet. In the three days since Lincoln first called, they haven’t told him anything yet. Just that they were responsible for Michael being in there and that they’d keep in touch. They also told him to don’t do anything stupid.
Lincoln spots them first, his distinctive baritone shouting LJ’s name loud and clear above the voices of everyone else. LJ runs to him and they embrace. It is like they operate in slow motion - them hugging as she makes her way towards them - as the rest of the world whirls around them oblivious to the fact that this is not the typical reunion that happens at airports. She holds back the tears pricking the back of her eyes. She’s happy for father and son and in all honesty happy for herself. She doesn’t like complications but she can’t say she’s unhappy to have two complications with the same name in her life.
Before she knows it, she’s in Lincoln’s arms in an awkward embrace. She hadn’t dropped her bags nor had she time to open her arms to him. Not that she would’ve necessarily. She’s not at all sure where they stand, if they stand anywhere at all. Emotions tend to run high in these situations, pushing one off balance.
His choked whisper of “thanks” makes it harder to keep the tears from falling but she keeps them at bay, putting a smile on her face when Lincoln pulls away. He keeps his hands on her upper arms and smiles. Then there is a barely discernible tilt of his head that causes a fluttering sensation in her gut. It stays even after he drops his hands and is talking to LJ about getting the bags.
The ride to the house provided by her contacts is filled with LJ’s non-stop chattering. It continues through dinner as he attempts to tell his dad all about his life with her as if tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. She supposes it will take him some time to get used to his dad being around. Jane thinks both of their faces might break from smiling so much.
A couple of hours after dinner LJ goes to bed, unashamedly embracing his father like a small child would before going off to his room. Jane plops down on the sofa, resting her head on the back of the sofa. It’s relatively early but with the planning to get down here and the switching of flights, the last time she had gotten a good night’s sleep, which for her was five hours tops - was three days ago. She opens her eyes when Lincoln plops down next to her. She rolls her head to the side to see him staring up at the ceiling.
He’s definitely lost in thought, his brow furrowed and his lips pulled together in a tight line. She turns back to the ceiling, closing her eyes again. She’s sure she’d fall asleep if not for the fact that he’s sitting so close. After what seems like a long time - it’s like the minutes stretch before them as if wanting to stand still but can’t - he speaks.
“When this is all over, I hope you stick around. I don’t think LJ could stand to lose you,” Lincoln states, never taking his eyes off the ceiling. The way LJ had talked about his time with her, she’d want to spend time with her, too. He made her seem like coolest big sister ever. She couldn’t help but smile under such praise. She’s always taken great pride in her work, although as time went it on it felt less and less like work. It sometimes felt like what could be. It definitely felt like what could’ve been, what she could have had had she never taken that job offer.
“I couldn’t stand to lose him,” she says, fully aware of the fact that she wasn’t supposed to get attached, Aldo’s grandson or not. She had no delusions regarding a happily ever after for Aldo and his boys, what he liked to call them even though he knew he had no right. Yet, she’s also fully aware that she never really had a chance. He’s Aldo’s grandson and no matter how much she worked, the loneliness never went away. In fact, it seemed the more she worked the lonelier she became.
“Thanks for taking care of him.”
“You thanked me already.”
“I know but I wanted to say it again.” This time he turns to face her, pain and regret evident in his eyes. “I made the mistake of not saying it enough to Michael.” And there it is. The first mention of Michael since they’ve arrived. To anyone watching who knew, it would appear strange. But one only had to look close enough at either Lincoln or LJ to know nothing needed to be said. Michael has been with them, his absence keenly felt.
The pain in his eyes is almost too much to take so she’s glad she was thousands of miles away when she got his first phone call.
“Hello?” You don’t recognize the number but as soon as you hear that voice saying your name in that desperate way you know who it is.
“Lincoln.” You hear LJ shout “DAD!” behind you. “Hold on.” You hand the phone to LJ and watch him fight a losing battle to hold it together as they talk. Lincoln must be saying a lot since LJ is only getting out a few words here and there, his breath hitching after every word. His last words are “I love you, too, Dad. I can’t wait to see you.”
He hands you back the phone, your hand wrapping around his and squeezing it before he pulls away to leave you alone. He still doesn’t like to cry in front of you.
“Lincoln, congratulations. If only your father…”
He cuts you off without apology. “How soon can you guys get here?”
“I don’t know.”
“I need you to know.”
“Well, right now I don’t. How’s Michael?” The other end gets so quiet you think the call has been lost. “Lincoln?...Lincoln?”
“I’m still here.”
You hear him take a deep breath like he has to get the courage to say whatever it is he is about to say.
“I don’t know how Michael is. I’m not with him.” He spits out the words as if they are rotten flesh in his mouth.
“What? Why not? Linc.”
“Just get here Jane.”
“Lincoln, I need”
“It’s not over.”
You start to say something else - like ‘What the fuck does that mean?’ - when an unfamiliar voice comes on the line. “Hello, this is Mr. Malave at the Consulate in Panama. Mr. Burrows said I should speak with you.”
Remembering that phone call and others, less panicked but no less desperate, she reaches out. He looks down at her hand resting on top of his, which he twists so that they are palm to palm. Her breath hitches only for the tiniest fraction of a second but still. That feeling is back. Since the hug from this morning, they’ve managed to avoid any other physical contact. Well, she had anyway.
When he looks at her again, she realizes just how many times she had seen that pained expression on LJ’s face, on Aldo’s.
“You’ll get to thank Michael soon. I promise.”
“I know. You kept LJ alive.”
“Barely.” He sits up, looking at her like she’d neglected to mention something happening to him. “That’s not what I meant. You know teenage boys. They make you want to strangle them sometimes.” She laughs softly remembering how he would try her nerves and she had to stop and remember she’s handled far worse.
“Actually, I don’t. I wasn’t around much for Mike during that time. And you know where I’ve been the last few years.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“Wasn’t it?” he says, pulling his hand away.
She’s gripping his forearm, stopping him from getting up. “If you hadn’t been a good mark, they would’ve done something else. They wanted him that bad.”
He looks at her for a beat, then several more without speaking and without changing his posture from that of a man ready to get up and leave. “Thanks for trying,” he says as he rises. “We should get some sleep. Goodnight.”
She watches him leave, debating whether to say something else or just leave it. She decides to just leave it, hauling her suddenly heavier body off the couch to her room where she’s sure she’ll sleep but not very well.
(3)
LJ watches them together as the days go by, working side-by-side most days, doing everything they can to get his uncle out of the ‘seventh circle of hell’ as Jane has described it when she thought he was out of earshot. His dad and Jane often butt heads, their tempers flaring like geysers for a short period of time before petering out, the argument forgotten about in mere minutes. They’re too much alike - strong, domineering, wanting to be in charge. They seem to always reach some understanding, eventually, about deferring to the other’s expertise.
He has nothing else to do but watch and observe everything said and not said. The past few days have told him he was right to insist on staying with Jane back when his dad had called the very first time. This is hard and dangerous and nothing he should be involved in at all. But his dad and his uncle need Jane and there is no one left to keep him safe.
While Jane and his father have phone conversations behind closed doors and leave for meetings with The Company’s people - never together since someone always has to stay with him - he hangs around the edges watching them.
He had wanted to hate Jane. He didn’t know her and had no desire to get to know her, headbutt and shooting that guy in the kitchen of the safe house back in Colorado notwithstanding. He hated the fact that he had to be stuck with her for days, weeks, months. He had no idea how long he would have to stay with her, which just made it worse.
She made it so hard though. The effort she made over their first dinner together at that diner on the way to Washington couldn’t be ignored. She had made him laugh a of couple times. The last time he had laughed before that he was with his father on their way to Uncle Mike. Before that, he couldn’t remember. She likes to eat peanut butter out of the jar and cheesy kung-fu movies. Plus, she didn’t treat him like some annoying kid she resented because she couldn’t be out there fighting.
So he had wistful moments. Moments where in some alternate universe, where Vee didn’t exist, his father and Jane could be together when this whole thing was over. Before coming to Panama, he wasn’t entirely sure they would necessarily get along. Besides him, this whole mess that is their lives and the ability to kick ass, he didn’t know what else they had in common. He just knew though they would like each if they got the chance to get to know each other. So when he wasn’t thinking about Vee and his dad because he never really gave up on that idea, he thought about his dad and Jane. Then his dad said Vee was gone.
It was only his second day in Panama when his dad finally told him the truth about Vee. He hated that look in his father’s eyes. It’s a look he’d never seen before, not even when his dad looked at him in Fox River. That’s when he really hoped the wistful moments would become a reality. The wistful moments seem occur with greater frequency the longer the days seem to get and the more the air of tension around them seems to increase.
He makes his way into the kitchen of the third safe house they’ve been in since arriving in Panama. He knows The Company snatched Sara Tancredi to use as leverage so that his uncle breaks some guy out of Sona. Jane doesn’t believe The Company is satisfied with just Sara. He heard her tell his father that her contacts don’t have much information on this Whistler guy but the information they do have suggests The Company wants him at all costs.
Lincoln stares at some point on the opposite wall as he nurses his beer. It’s the stillest LJ’s seen him all day. LJ sits down in the chair opposite him. Lincoln focuses his eyes on LJ and gives him a tight smile.
“How long has it been?” LJ asks. He knows Jane is gone but he’s not exactly sure when she left.
“Almost an hour.”
“Did she say how long she’d be?”
“Nope.”
“Back in Washington, I told Jane about the dive shop you and Uncle Mike were going to open here. I invited her to come and stay.” Lincoln’s eyes go wide for second at LJ’s words. “I didn’t think you guys would mind. I mean what with what she knows about your dad and she was taking care of me. Plus, I got the feeling she could use a vacation. You know a real one. Not babysitting.”
“I’m sure.”
“She said it sounded like a plan.”
“It did.”
“I don’t know what the plan is now.” They’re so concerned with getting through the day that he doubts they have time to think about that, not that he can blame them. He’s the only one with free time on his hands. “But I hope she wants to stick around when this is all over. I really like her a lot, ya know,” LJ states, eyeing his father over his glass. “I think you do, too.”
Lincoln pauses, his beer bottle perched on his lips. He lowers his beer and closes his eyes for a split second before answering. “LJ...”
“I know, Dad,” LJ interrupts.
“That’s the last thing on my mind.”
“Like I said Dad, I know. I’m just saying don’t you ever think about the future? Sometimes? Even a little bit? When this is all over, what’s going to happen to us?” Lincoln doesn’t speak but his eyes say it all. “It’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay if you do. You should. We all have to have a little faith, right?”
Linc smiles and it’s genuine. “My own words being used against me. Again.”
(4)
She definitely feels like she has interrupted something when she strides purposefully into the kitchen. She just doesn’t have time to wonder what it is based on the looks they give her, like they had been talking about her. She doesn’t even waste time apologizing for interrupting. Linc has to deliver some bad news to Michael. She thought about doing it herself but she knows Linc would never forgive her if she did. She’s just glad she was the one who met with The Company’s guy today because Linc definitely would’ve killed the messenger.
She didn’t think it would go well but not this badly. He hadn’t come back to the safe house after his visit with Michael. He hadn’t even called. She was ready to rip him a new one when he finally answered her calls until the sound of his voice broke her heart.
She slips her cellphone back into the pocket of her shorts and thinks. She leans against the kitchen counter as LJ starts to plead with her to go and see about his dad. He’d heard only her end of the conversation but you didn’t have to be genius to figure out what his father was saying. Not when Jane’s poker face slipped during the call.
LJ’s not listening to a word she’s saying. She’s tells him that his dad wants to be left alone. He made that perfectly clear. LJ actually says, “Since when do you listen to my dad?” The kid had a point.
“Maybe he wants to be left alone but he shouldn’t be. You said you didn’t like the way he sounded,” he says.
“I know what I said but more importantly I know what he feels like. Besides, he’s not going to do anything stupid.”
“You don’t know my dad. Well, not like I do anyway.”
She cocks her head to the side and just looks at him wondering just how long they can do this. She thinks he could go all night if he doesn’t just up and decide he’s going to see about his dad, with or without her.
“Please Jane.”
She pushes herself off the counter and goes to him, pulling him into a hug before planting a kiss on the top of his head. “Anything for you.”
She didn’t sign up for this. At least not knowingly. She doesn’t know if she would’ve passed on this, whatever this is, had she known but she would’ve at least thought twice about it. She crosses the sand, walks down the dock and climbs aboard the Christina Rose to comfort him, another Burrows man. LJ’s at her side since leaving him for however long isn’t an option, not that he would’ve let her go alone.
It hadn’t been easy with LJ in the beginning. And it’s not easy with Lincoln but for entirely different reasons. They slip in and out of comfortable and uncomfortable often. This thing between them is just weird. She shouldn’t be feeling what she’s feeling. She promised to look after him. She’s sure Aldo didn’t mean like that. Plus, Linc split her lip at their first meeting. It was totally understandable considering she and her people ran him off the road and he had no way of knowing she was a woman. Still she uses it to say to herself ‘Off limits.’ Fluttering or no fluttering. LJ or no LJ. Because since getting back into the thick of this thing, she doesn’t think about tomorrow. Well, often.
“You going to be okay up here?” she asks LJ. He nods as he takes the seat closest to the stairs leading below deck.
She finds Linc sitting in the main cabin, elbows on knees, head in hands. She leans against the doorframe, arms folded across her chest.
“Linc?”
“Yeah?” he answers, not looking up at her. He doesn’t sound annoyed, which surprises her.
“I know you’re not okay now but are you going to be? Even just a little. LJ’s worried. I’m worried, too.”
He doesn’t answer right away. When he finally does, she can see his back arch as he takes a deep breath. “Honestly, I don’t know,” he says as he finally raises his head to look at her. She wishes he hadn’t done that because he looks so sad that she can feel something inside her clench in fear. She’s been there, in that place, more times than she’d like to admit to anyone but herself. He continues, his voice somewhat shaky, “I thought what I felt in the chapel that day I saw Michael for the first time was bad. This? There isn’t a word for how I feel. This shit’s impossible.”
She doesn’t say anything, letting the words sink in until she finally feels like she knows what to say. She sits down next to him and takes one of his hands in hers. “Have a little faith.” It’s sounds trite but it’s true.
He looks at her like she’s slow or something. Not that she blames him. It’s not like she didn’t have to give her herself pep talks. It’s not like she still doesn’t do it. “Reality kicks faith’s ass every time or haven’t you noticed?”
“So what you want to give up? Go tell LJ that you’ll going to leave his uncle to die in there? That having faith, what got him through, is just bullshit?” She’s not angry but her voice is harder than she meant it to be.
“No…Shit. Forget it,” he tells her, taking his hand back to resume the position she had found him in moments before.
“I get it Linc. You know I do. I’m not the most optimistic person in the world. Hell, before LJ, before your dad, it wasn’t the idea that things would be okay in the end but revenge that kept me going.”
He looks up at her again. “You don’t want revenge anymore?”
“Hell, yeah I do,” she smiles, “It’s just now I think about life beyond that sometimes. I might not go down fighting. I might actually make it out of this thing alive. I would actually prefer to make it out whereas before it didn’t really matter.” She and Aldo had made their peace with dying for the cause. She knew what would make Aldo want to live. She hadn’t known what would make her want to do the same thing until LJ, until Lincoln.
“So what’s life like after?” She watches him shift his body so that he’s facing her more. There’s a look of disbelief on his face as if he doesn’t expect her to have an answer, a real one anyway.
“Maybe we bring down The Company. Maybe we don’t. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m tired. Whatever happens, I want to live. I’d like to go to Australia. Find a good therapist. I told LJ about it. He looked up some information about surfing, about dive shops.” She sees a smile spread across his face at the mention of LJ.
"So LJ will be there?”
“That depends on if you’re there.” She can tell that he knows what she means. That if and when this whole thing is over and they all survive, whether or not the Burrows-Scofield men plus Sara will make it their home, too.
His left hand comes to rest against her right cheek. The skin of his palm is kind of rough against her cheek but it feels good anyway. So good that she can’t help but lean into it. She closes her eyes, breathing in deep, savoring the moment. And then he’s kissing her.
She expects the kiss to be hungry, passionate, a little rough as weeks of sexual tension come to a head. It’s everything but all of that yet she’s not disappointed. The sweetness, the gentleness of the kiss is everything the moment requires. When he pulls away, his left hand is still cupping her cheek and his other had come up to cup her other one. She’d managed to gather the fabric of his t-shirt in her hands without even realizing it.
“I didn’t come here for that,” she says as she removes his hands from her face. She only lets one go. She doesn’t know why she said it exactly. No, she didn’t come here for that and she’s pretty sure he knows that. And it’s not like she kissed him. Still it seems like the right thing to say.
“I know.”
She’s pulling him to his feet, sure that LJ is wondering what’s taking so long. “Come on. LJ needs to know you’re okay.” They make their way up the narrow staircase still holding hands, which makes the climb back up rather awkward. She doesn’t want to let go, and he seems to feel the same. It’s only when he emerges behind her and is rushed by LJ that they do.
Author: happywriter06
Fandom: Prison Break
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairings: Lincoln Burrows/Jane Phillips, LJ Burrows
Category: Gen/Het (Post-escape, Season 3 AU)
Summary: A fic about the relationships between these characters from Jane and LJ’s POV.
Notes: For
foxriver_lady’s and
domfangirl’s birthday. *whispers also for
pamalax’s April Challenge from 2007. don’t look at me like you’ve never been really, really, really late with a challenge before.* A huge, huge thank you to my beta
snowwhite22. She deserves 75% credit on this one. Also, this fic is part of my Can’t Help Getting Attached series, which can be found in My Fic Library. I got one more to write in it and I promise it won’t take me a year to write it. At least I hope it doesn’t.
(1)
Your knees hit the hardwood floor. Pain radiates through your body but you don’t really feel it. Your hands are on the floor, too. You’re sucking in air because it’s hard to breathe. You can’t keep your eyes open. Exonerated. You can’t hear anything but the sound of your own heart, like it’s between your ears. Right between your ears. So loud. EXONERATED. You feel her hands on your shoulders pushing you up. Then you feel her arms around you pulling you close. You feel her tears as they soak through your shirt as yours soak through hers.
LJ can’t help but remember that moment in time, one of many that managed to change his world so completely each and every time. He remembers feeling hopeful, like the nightmare was over, like he could be with dad, Uncle Mike and Vee. He could use his real name and be that much closer to the day when he didn’t have to look over his shoulder.
“Hey,” Jane says, placing her hand over his on the shared armrest.
“Hey,” he says back as he pulls his eyes away from the window to look at her. She’s looking at him with worried eyes.
“You okay?” He knows he’s been quiet all day and that she’s worried even if she shouldn’t be. It’s not over but he’s okay with that because he has to be. He’s going to be the kid that let his father walk away. He’s going to be brave even if it seems to be harder this time around.
“Yeah.” He gives her a small smile. “I was just thinking. I can’t believe it’s still not over.”
“It’ll be over for your uncle soon.” She squeezes his hand. “I promise.”
He knows it to be true, after all he’s still here and all in one piece, something he was sure would happen. They say first impressions are lasting. The image of Jane standing there - not even slightly dazed - after his dad’s head split her lip etched itself into his brain, showing up whenever he thought he was being followed, whenever he thought he saw someone he shouldn’t. She didn’t make him believe he was completely out of danger - she made it clear that it wasn’t possible - but she made him believe he’d see his dad and uncle again. Sometimes he thinks she should have been with Dad and Uncle Mike instead of with him. Maybe they both would be free. Maybe his grandfather would still be alive.
He’d said as much the minute she told him they were off to Panama; not to have fun in the sun but to get his uncle out of prison. He remembers erupting like a volcano, feeling betrayed because he was sure once he heard the news it was over. So fucking sure. He thought he was done having to be brave. He could be a kid again. He remembers that feeling of weariness descending upon him again seeping into his skin and bones just as quickly as it had left. He wanted to shrug it off for good and couldn’t so he yelled at her.
He doesn’t remember all that he said but he remembers blaming her because she had worked for The Company. And how could she have not known what they were all about? And how could her and her people not have done anything in all these years? It was her fault and his grandfather’s fault that they were all in this mess. He heard the words bouncing off the walls of his room. It was like it had shrunk to a tenth of its normal size. His voice was louder than it had ever been before. He knew he was hurting her but he really didn’t care.
She took it all, standing in his room, arms folded across her chest, just waiting. Her eyes reflected no emotion, just absolute blankness just like every other feature on her face. Not a sad smile or a grimace or even shock at the scene before her.
When he was done, he sank onto his bed, feeling better and worse at the same time. She sat down next to him and told him the plan as if nothing had happened. When she was done, he started to apologize. She told him he had nothing to be sorry for. She kissed the top of his head, her lips lingering just for a bit as if she was saying sorry. He almost reached up to grip her hands as they held his face. He said sorry anyway to the door as it closed behind her.
It’s now when he thinks of apologies his mind drifts from the most recent past to months ago. “I never went to see my uncle when he was in Fox River.” From the corner of his eye, he can tell she has looked up. He doesn’t look at her this time; instead he focuses on the headrest in front of him. He doesn’t know why now he’s bringing this up. They never talked about his uncle’s time in Fox River let alone his father’s. He never wanted to talk about it and she never pushed. “I was so pissed off at him. First, my dad and then him. I was there to see my Dad and I didn’t even....” He stops, the lump in his throat growing bigger with every word. “Do you think…?”
“I think,” she says, wrapping one arm around his shoulders pulling him close. “No, I know your uncle understands.” His presses his face into her shoulder, her head resting on his. “He’s not going to care about that. He’s just going to be happy to see you, though he probably won’t recognize you. What, with the new haircut.”
“Does this mean I’ll get to go see him this time?” He doesn’t lift his head to look her in the eye when he asks. He doesn’t want to see that look in her eye. She told him about Sona only after he wouldn’t let the issue drop. He didn’t understand why she wasn’t going to be totally upfront about this when before she had no problem answering his other questions. She told him this time it was different because Sona isn’t like Fox River, that Fox River is a picnic compared to Sona, and that’s all that he needed to know. The look in her eye said she wouldn’t wish Sona on her worse enemy. She didn’t want him to worry any more than he would without knowing what kind of place his uncle found himself in this time around.
She sighs. “We talked about this but if you want, ask your father. He’s going to say no and when he does, let it go. Besides, you’ll see him soon enough. I promised remember?” He remembers.
Even when his uncle was very busy and he and his dad weren’t talking, his uncle made time for him. He just wants to see his uncle. It’s been too long and he’s feeling too guilty about not seeing him when he had the chance. He didn’t know he wouldn’t have the chance to forgive him, to go and see him. That fact doesn’t make him feel any better though.
“Okay, okay,” he says wiping his face, sitting back up just as the pilot announces the plane is ready to make its descent. He laughs to himself as the pilot announces it’s already eighty-eight degrees with seventy percent humidity and it’s only eleven in the morning.
“What’s so funny?” Jane asks.
“It’s hot like that all the time, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, now my dad really has an excuse not to button up.”
“He should just not wear a shirt then.” He can tell by the look on her face she hadn’t meant to say that, at least not out loud.
“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” he teases. His smile grows bigger as a faint blush creeps into Jane’s cheeks.
“I know you’re just teasing me to take my mind off of landing.”
“Of course.” For a woman in her line of work, he still can’t believe she hates flying. So he holds her hand and cracks jokes trying to take her mind off the landing and at the same time take his off of the growing nervousness in the pit of his stomach.
It’s always been like this. Whenever he was to meet up with his dad after days, weeks, sometimes months of limited to no contact, no matter how angry he was, there was always an undercurrent of nervousness. He was always nervous that things would be different. That they, that things, had changed so much so they could never get back those days when everything was good by their standards.
He squeezes Jane’s hand tighter more so for himself than for her.
(2)
She’s nervous as they leave the plane, as they make their way to baggage claim where Lincoln surely waits. They spent a few hours together months ago - it seems like a lifetime ago - had spoken on the phone several times and now they’ll be living in the same house. She had hoped that when this time came she’d be dropping LJ off, reuniting father and son and going back to her old life, one far less complicated in terms of emotional attachments.
She can barely hear LJ talking to her over the noise of the other passengers and the voice over the intercom. It was decided that they would take a commercial flight. Being in public would afford them more protection should The Company still have a need to off them. She’s pretty sure they do since Michael being in Sona only makes sense if The Company isn’t through with them yet. In the three days since Lincoln first called, they haven’t told him anything yet. Just that they were responsible for Michael being in there and that they’d keep in touch. They also told him to don’t do anything stupid.
Lincoln spots them first, his distinctive baritone shouting LJ’s name loud and clear above the voices of everyone else. LJ runs to him and they embrace. It is like they operate in slow motion - them hugging as she makes her way towards them - as the rest of the world whirls around them oblivious to the fact that this is not the typical reunion that happens at airports. She holds back the tears pricking the back of her eyes. She’s happy for father and son and in all honesty happy for herself. She doesn’t like complications but she can’t say she’s unhappy to have two complications with the same name in her life.
Before she knows it, she’s in Lincoln’s arms in an awkward embrace. She hadn’t dropped her bags nor had she time to open her arms to him. Not that she would’ve necessarily. She’s not at all sure where they stand, if they stand anywhere at all. Emotions tend to run high in these situations, pushing one off balance.
His choked whisper of “thanks” makes it harder to keep the tears from falling but she keeps them at bay, putting a smile on her face when Lincoln pulls away. He keeps his hands on her upper arms and smiles. Then there is a barely discernible tilt of his head that causes a fluttering sensation in her gut. It stays even after he drops his hands and is talking to LJ about getting the bags.
The ride to the house provided by her contacts is filled with LJ’s non-stop chattering. It continues through dinner as he attempts to tell his dad all about his life with her as if tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. She supposes it will take him some time to get used to his dad being around. Jane thinks both of their faces might break from smiling so much.
A couple of hours after dinner LJ goes to bed, unashamedly embracing his father like a small child would before going off to his room. Jane plops down on the sofa, resting her head on the back of the sofa. It’s relatively early but with the planning to get down here and the switching of flights, the last time she had gotten a good night’s sleep, which for her was five hours tops - was three days ago. She opens her eyes when Lincoln plops down next to her. She rolls her head to the side to see him staring up at the ceiling.
He’s definitely lost in thought, his brow furrowed and his lips pulled together in a tight line. She turns back to the ceiling, closing her eyes again. She’s sure she’d fall asleep if not for the fact that he’s sitting so close. After what seems like a long time - it’s like the minutes stretch before them as if wanting to stand still but can’t - he speaks.
“When this is all over, I hope you stick around. I don’t think LJ could stand to lose you,” Lincoln states, never taking his eyes off the ceiling. The way LJ had talked about his time with her, she’d want to spend time with her, too. He made her seem like coolest big sister ever. She couldn’t help but smile under such praise. She’s always taken great pride in her work, although as time went it on it felt less and less like work. It sometimes felt like what could be. It definitely felt like what could’ve been, what she could have had had she never taken that job offer.
“I couldn’t stand to lose him,” she says, fully aware of the fact that she wasn’t supposed to get attached, Aldo’s grandson or not. She had no delusions regarding a happily ever after for Aldo and his boys, what he liked to call them even though he knew he had no right. Yet, she’s also fully aware that she never really had a chance. He’s Aldo’s grandson and no matter how much she worked, the loneliness never went away. In fact, it seemed the more she worked the lonelier she became.
“Thanks for taking care of him.”
“You thanked me already.”
“I know but I wanted to say it again.” This time he turns to face her, pain and regret evident in his eyes. “I made the mistake of not saying it enough to Michael.” And there it is. The first mention of Michael since they’ve arrived. To anyone watching who knew, it would appear strange. But one only had to look close enough at either Lincoln or LJ to know nothing needed to be said. Michael has been with them, his absence keenly felt.
The pain in his eyes is almost too much to take so she’s glad she was thousands of miles away when she got his first phone call.
“Hello?” You don’t recognize the number but as soon as you hear that voice saying your name in that desperate way you know who it is.
“Lincoln.” You hear LJ shout “DAD!” behind you. “Hold on.” You hand the phone to LJ and watch him fight a losing battle to hold it together as they talk. Lincoln must be saying a lot since LJ is only getting out a few words here and there, his breath hitching after every word. His last words are “I love you, too, Dad. I can’t wait to see you.”
He hands you back the phone, your hand wrapping around his and squeezing it before he pulls away to leave you alone. He still doesn’t like to cry in front of you.
“Lincoln, congratulations. If only your father…”
He cuts you off without apology. “How soon can you guys get here?”
“I don’t know.”
“I need you to know.”
“Well, right now I don’t. How’s Michael?” The other end gets so quiet you think the call has been lost. “Lincoln?...Lincoln?”
“I’m still here.”
You hear him take a deep breath like he has to get the courage to say whatever it is he is about to say.
“I don’t know how Michael is. I’m not with him.” He spits out the words as if they are rotten flesh in his mouth.
“What? Why not? Linc.”
“Just get here Jane.”
“Lincoln, I need”
“It’s not over.”
You start to say something else - like ‘What the fuck does that mean?’ - when an unfamiliar voice comes on the line. “Hello, this is Mr. Malave at the Consulate in Panama. Mr. Burrows said I should speak with you.”
Remembering that phone call and others, less panicked but no less desperate, she reaches out. He looks down at her hand resting on top of his, which he twists so that they are palm to palm. Her breath hitches only for the tiniest fraction of a second but still. That feeling is back. Since the hug from this morning, they’ve managed to avoid any other physical contact. Well, she had anyway.
When he looks at her again, she realizes just how many times she had seen that pained expression on LJ’s face, on Aldo’s.
“You’ll get to thank Michael soon. I promise.”
“I know. You kept LJ alive.”
“Barely.” He sits up, looking at her like she’d neglected to mention something happening to him. “That’s not what I meant. You know teenage boys. They make you want to strangle them sometimes.” She laughs softly remembering how he would try her nerves and she had to stop and remember she’s handled far worse.
“Actually, I don’t. I wasn’t around much for Mike during that time. And you know where I’ve been the last few years.”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“Wasn’t it?” he says, pulling his hand away.
She’s gripping his forearm, stopping him from getting up. “If you hadn’t been a good mark, they would’ve done something else. They wanted him that bad.”
He looks at her for a beat, then several more without speaking and without changing his posture from that of a man ready to get up and leave. “Thanks for trying,” he says as he rises. “We should get some sleep. Goodnight.”
She watches him leave, debating whether to say something else or just leave it. She decides to just leave it, hauling her suddenly heavier body off the couch to her room where she’s sure she’ll sleep but not very well.
(3)
LJ watches them together as the days go by, working side-by-side most days, doing everything they can to get his uncle out of the ‘seventh circle of hell’ as Jane has described it when she thought he was out of earshot. His dad and Jane often butt heads, their tempers flaring like geysers for a short period of time before petering out, the argument forgotten about in mere minutes. They’re too much alike - strong, domineering, wanting to be in charge. They seem to always reach some understanding, eventually, about deferring to the other’s expertise.
He has nothing else to do but watch and observe everything said and not said. The past few days have told him he was right to insist on staying with Jane back when his dad had called the very first time. This is hard and dangerous and nothing he should be involved in at all. But his dad and his uncle need Jane and there is no one left to keep him safe.
While Jane and his father have phone conversations behind closed doors and leave for meetings with The Company’s people - never together since someone always has to stay with him - he hangs around the edges watching them.
He had wanted to hate Jane. He didn’t know her and had no desire to get to know her, headbutt and shooting that guy in the kitchen of the safe house back in Colorado notwithstanding. He hated the fact that he had to be stuck with her for days, weeks, months. He had no idea how long he would have to stay with her, which just made it worse.
She made it so hard though. The effort she made over their first dinner together at that diner on the way to Washington couldn’t be ignored. She had made him laugh a of couple times. The last time he had laughed before that he was with his father on their way to Uncle Mike. Before that, he couldn’t remember. She likes to eat peanut butter out of the jar and cheesy kung-fu movies. Plus, she didn’t treat him like some annoying kid she resented because she couldn’t be out there fighting.
So he had wistful moments. Moments where in some alternate universe, where Vee didn’t exist, his father and Jane could be together when this whole thing was over. Before coming to Panama, he wasn’t entirely sure they would necessarily get along. Besides him, this whole mess that is their lives and the ability to kick ass, he didn’t know what else they had in common. He just knew though they would like each if they got the chance to get to know each other. So when he wasn’t thinking about Vee and his dad because he never really gave up on that idea, he thought about his dad and Jane. Then his dad said Vee was gone.
It was only his second day in Panama when his dad finally told him the truth about Vee. He hated that look in his father’s eyes. It’s a look he’d never seen before, not even when his dad looked at him in Fox River. That’s when he really hoped the wistful moments would become a reality. The wistful moments seem occur with greater frequency the longer the days seem to get and the more the air of tension around them seems to increase.
He makes his way into the kitchen of the third safe house they’ve been in since arriving in Panama. He knows The Company snatched Sara Tancredi to use as leverage so that his uncle breaks some guy out of Sona. Jane doesn’t believe The Company is satisfied with just Sara. He heard her tell his father that her contacts don’t have much information on this Whistler guy but the information they do have suggests The Company wants him at all costs.
Lincoln stares at some point on the opposite wall as he nurses his beer. It’s the stillest LJ’s seen him all day. LJ sits down in the chair opposite him. Lincoln focuses his eyes on LJ and gives him a tight smile.
“How long has it been?” LJ asks. He knows Jane is gone but he’s not exactly sure when she left.
“Almost an hour.”
“Did she say how long she’d be?”
“Nope.”
“Back in Washington, I told Jane about the dive shop you and Uncle Mike were going to open here. I invited her to come and stay.” Lincoln’s eyes go wide for second at LJ’s words. “I didn’t think you guys would mind. I mean what with what she knows about your dad and she was taking care of me. Plus, I got the feeling she could use a vacation. You know a real one. Not babysitting.”
“I’m sure.”
“She said it sounded like a plan.”
“It did.”
“I don’t know what the plan is now.” They’re so concerned with getting through the day that he doubts they have time to think about that, not that he can blame them. He’s the only one with free time on his hands. “But I hope she wants to stick around when this is all over. I really like her a lot, ya know,” LJ states, eyeing his father over his glass. “I think you do, too.”
Lincoln pauses, his beer bottle perched on his lips. He lowers his beer and closes his eyes for a split second before answering. “LJ...”
“I know, Dad,” LJ interrupts.
“That’s the last thing on my mind.”
“Like I said Dad, I know. I’m just saying don’t you ever think about the future? Sometimes? Even a little bit? When this is all over, what’s going to happen to us?” Lincoln doesn’t speak but his eyes say it all. “It’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay if you do. You should. We all have to have a little faith, right?”
Linc smiles and it’s genuine. “My own words being used against me. Again.”
(4)
She definitely feels like she has interrupted something when she strides purposefully into the kitchen. She just doesn’t have time to wonder what it is based on the looks they give her, like they had been talking about her. She doesn’t even waste time apologizing for interrupting. Linc has to deliver some bad news to Michael. She thought about doing it herself but she knows Linc would never forgive her if she did. She’s just glad she was the one who met with The Company’s guy today because Linc definitely would’ve killed the messenger.
She didn’t think it would go well but not this badly. He hadn’t come back to the safe house after his visit with Michael. He hadn’t even called. She was ready to rip him a new one when he finally answered her calls until the sound of his voice broke her heart.
She slips her cellphone back into the pocket of her shorts and thinks. She leans against the kitchen counter as LJ starts to plead with her to go and see about his dad. He’d heard only her end of the conversation but you didn’t have to be genius to figure out what his father was saying. Not when Jane’s poker face slipped during the call.
LJ’s not listening to a word she’s saying. She’s tells him that his dad wants to be left alone. He made that perfectly clear. LJ actually says, “Since when do you listen to my dad?” The kid had a point.
“Maybe he wants to be left alone but he shouldn’t be. You said you didn’t like the way he sounded,” he says.
“I know what I said but more importantly I know what he feels like. Besides, he’s not going to do anything stupid.”
“You don’t know my dad. Well, not like I do anyway.”
She cocks her head to the side and just looks at him wondering just how long they can do this. She thinks he could go all night if he doesn’t just up and decide he’s going to see about his dad, with or without her.
“Please Jane.”
She pushes herself off the counter and goes to him, pulling him into a hug before planting a kiss on the top of his head. “Anything for you.”
She didn’t sign up for this. At least not knowingly. She doesn’t know if she would’ve passed on this, whatever this is, had she known but she would’ve at least thought twice about it. She crosses the sand, walks down the dock and climbs aboard the Christina Rose to comfort him, another Burrows man. LJ’s at her side since leaving him for however long isn’t an option, not that he would’ve let her go alone.
It hadn’t been easy with LJ in the beginning. And it’s not easy with Lincoln but for entirely different reasons. They slip in and out of comfortable and uncomfortable often. This thing between them is just weird. She shouldn’t be feeling what she’s feeling. She promised to look after him. She’s sure Aldo didn’t mean like that. Plus, Linc split her lip at their first meeting. It was totally understandable considering she and her people ran him off the road and he had no way of knowing she was a woman. Still she uses it to say to herself ‘Off limits.’ Fluttering or no fluttering. LJ or no LJ. Because since getting back into the thick of this thing, she doesn’t think about tomorrow. Well, often.
“You going to be okay up here?” she asks LJ. He nods as he takes the seat closest to the stairs leading below deck.
She finds Linc sitting in the main cabin, elbows on knees, head in hands. She leans against the doorframe, arms folded across her chest.
“Linc?”
“Yeah?” he answers, not looking up at her. He doesn’t sound annoyed, which surprises her.
“I know you’re not okay now but are you going to be? Even just a little. LJ’s worried. I’m worried, too.”
He doesn’t answer right away. When he finally does, she can see his back arch as he takes a deep breath. “Honestly, I don’t know,” he says as he finally raises his head to look at her. She wishes he hadn’t done that because he looks so sad that she can feel something inside her clench in fear. She’s been there, in that place, more times than she’d like to admit to anyone but herself. He continues, his voice somewhat shaky, “I thought what I felt in the chapel that day I saw Michael for the first time was bad. This? There isn’t a word for how I feel. This shit’s impossible.”
She doesn’t say anything, letting the words sink in until she finally feels like she knows what to say. She sits down next to him and takes one of his hands in hers. “Have a little faith.” It’s sounds trite but it’s true.
He looks at her like she’s slow or something. Not that she blames him. It’s not like she didn’t have to give her herself pep talks. It’s not like she still doesn’t do it. “Reality kicks faith’s ass every time or haven’t you noticed?”
“So what you want to give up? Go tell LJ that you’ll going to leave his uncle to die in there? That having faith, what got him through, is just bullshit?” She’s not angry but her voice is harder than she meant it to be.
“No…Shit. Forget it,” he tells her, taking his hand back to resume the position she had found him in moments before.
“I get it Linc. You know I do. I’m not the most optimistic person in the world. Hell, before LJ, before your dad, it wasn’t the idea that things would be okay in the end but revenge that kept me going.”
He looks up at her again. “You don’t want revenge anymore?”
“Hell, yeah I do,” she smiles, “It’s just now I think about life beyond that sometimes. I might not go down fighting. I might actually make it out of this thing alive. I would actually prefer to make it out whereas before it didn’t really matter.” She and Aldo had made their peace with dying for the cause. She knew what would make Aldo want to live. She hadn’t known what would make her want to do the same thing until LJ, until Lincoln.
“So what’s life like after?” She watches him shift his body so that he’s facing her more. There’s a look of disbelief on his face as if he doesn’t expect her to have an answer, a real one anyway.
“Maybe we bring down The Company. Maybe we don’t. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m tired. Whatever happens, I want to live. I’d like to go to Australia. Find a good therapist. I told LJ about it. He looked up some information about surfing, about dive shops.” She sees a smile spread across his face at the mention of LJ.
"So LJ will be there?”
“That depends on if you’re there.” She can tell that he knows what she means. That if and when this whole thing is over and they all survive, whether or not the Burrows-Scofield men plus Sara will make it their home, too.
His left hand comes to rest against her right cheek. The skin of his palm is kind of rough against her cheek but it feels good anyway. So good that she can’t help but lean into it. She closes her eyes, breathing in deep, savoring the moment. And then he’s kissing her.
She expects the kiss to be hungry, passionate, a little rough as weeks of sexual tension come to a head. It’s everything but all of that yet she’s not disappointed. The sweetness, the gentleness of the kiss is everything the moment requires. When he pulls away, his left hand is still cupping her cheek and his other had come up to cup her other one. She’d managed to gather the fabric of his t-shirt in her hands without even realizing it.
“I didn’t come here for that,” she says as she removes his hands from her face. She only lets one go. She doesn’t know why she said it exactly. No, she didn’t come here for that and she’s pretty sure he knows that. And it’s not like she kissed him. Still it seems like the right thing to say.
“I know.”
She’s pulling him to his feet, sure that LJ is wondering what’s taking so long. “Come on. LJ needs to know you’re okay.” They make their way up the narrow staircase still holding hands, which makes the climb back up rather awkward. She doesn’t want to let go, and he seems to feel the same. It’s only when he emerges behind her and is rushed by LJ that they do.