Gashiyeon - Chapter 1
I got my wisdom teeth taken out.
I was finally able to get rid of them after quite a bit of agony on my part. Though I admit; they did make an admirable effort against it with their thoroughly malformed shape. And the pain was an unimaginable one too- the kind that just made me want to just rip out my jaw right there. I never wanted to go through something like that ever again.
‘Stubborn just like its owner,’ I thought, as I made my way outside after getting my stitches removed, relieved that it was finally over.
As if to try to make it up to myself for such a horrible week, I got my hair dyed a vibrant colour the first thing after leaving the Dentist’s office. Even though having to sit for a long time to get it done was a little bit annoying, I liked the new hue that seemed to match my current, carefree mood. The workers told me that the colour looked good on me too. I didn’t exactly hate their business faced smiles or compliments either.
After that I started shopping.
I was a severe shopaholic; even if anyone called this habit of mine some kind of mental issue, I couldn’t do so much as try to deny it. I made it a point to update my look on a regular basis because I hated falling behind in anything. I started looking around leisurely at some of my regular stops that I hadn’t had a chance to visit in a while. I’d missed the shopkeeper’s warm welcomes.
After many long hours browsing under the bright fluorescent lights, I moved on to the arcade, going around buying whatever I wanted. It was only after, however, did I realize that I had no car to load everything into.
Acting without thinking of the consequences was a long-time habit of mine. But it always turned out that it was only ever after I’d already gone and done my thing that I would finally stop and realize that I really needed to do something about my little issue. It seemed like my problems only ever got deeper and deeper.
After thinking intently about what I should do now, I whipped out my cell phone.
Realizing that my phone was a bit outdated, not having had a chance to use it much in a while, I decided that I would have stop by the phone company and get a new cell phone on top of everything else to finish off my shopping for the day; but I made up my mind to make this call before any of that.
I sat listening to the ringing of the dial tone for a long while. And just as I decided that he wasn’t going to pick up, I heard his voice on the other line. Proper and yet still welcoming, your masculine voice sends my heart racing just like old times. It seemed as though I could even pick up whiffs of his scent through the receiver; the flames of my desire grew ever hotter.
Just then, I suddenly wanted to see him so badly that, forgetting the very reason I had called in the first place and skipping the greetings entirely, I just briefly described where I was and listened as his phone snapped shut with a sigh.
I looked at my reflection in the store window. My hair, its new shade still a bit akward, was glowing blindingly under the glare of the hot afternoon sun. It’s alright- even he would be able to accept change this small over the period of 2 whole years.
In the meantime, I decided that I'd better change my phone while I waited for him to come. Of course, I'll enter in his name before anyone else's.
Puffing up my chest, I left the arcade.
◈
Ah...in truth, my reaction as I had set eyes on him again was nothing short of pathetic.
Standing there in a trance with my mouth gaping in a truly shameful sort of way, admiring the impressive man that you’d become- I wonder how stupid I must have looked just then.
After joining his Father’s company, he’d become nothing short of amazing- the nicely fitted suit, the tie that no longer seemed awkward adorning his collar, the cleanly pressed shirt, and on top of all of that, a sharp pair of eyes framed with silver. Despite having grown thinner since I had last seen him a couple of years ago, this too seemed to have added to the kind of flair and maturity that 1 or 2 years had brought him. All of this had come together to transform him into the even more gorgeous creature that he had become.
Ah, I was on the verge of having to cover up my own mouth because of the gasps and sighs of admiration that just refused to stop coming.
Although, as it later turned out, the fact that neither of us liked sweet things still hadn’t changed. The things we ordered from the menu were still pretty much the same as well. Even though this was our first time seeing each other in such a long time, there seemed to be nothing in particular to say. To take in every detail with our eyes- that was our form of a greeting.
But perhaps because of our much too honest times together, or the unbridgeable gap that now seemed to separate us, he soon began to mock me- that those times when we had loved each other with the violent passion of a towering inferno were just things of the past. Even though I had never, even for an instant, stopped, my heart ached because it seemed as through he already had.
He began to scrutinize my hair that was shining even more brilliantly under the glare of the scorching summer sun with his icy cold eyes. Could it be that he didn’t like this new me? After concentrating for quite a while, he finally looked into my eyes. Maybe it was because it had been such a long time since the last time we’d met, but even the feeling of his eyes on me seemed overwhelming.
The way he looked at me had changed- his eyes were different than they had been in the past. Worry wormed its way into a part of my heart. As I averted my gaze, my eyes that I had shyly cast downwards fell on the shiny foreign object that was adorning one of his fingers.
Aha. You’d gotten married, you said- was that right?
“You got released from the hospital.”
“Yep. I felt so great when I finally did. You know what though? Right there? That monstrous thing that was in there just ended up shattering into pieces when they were trying to take it out. You have no idea how much I went through because of how weird that thing was shaped. Do you see it? It still looks a bit swollen, doesn’t it? I still can’t even chew with that side.”
“I see. So have you given your parents a call yet?”
“Don’t you think my face has gotten rounder too? But don’t jump to wrong conclusions though. It’s only because it’s swollen. There’s no way that I could have put on any weight. I’ve been cutting back on the calories and staying away from eating after six at night- you know, just like how women go on diets.”
“Jaejoong.”
“It was all just so that I could look good when I got to see you again.”
He seemed a bit thrown by my words. He narrowed his sharp eyes.
I had always loved his face because it always seemed to change so dramatically with just a simple frown. The thin line of his face, the predatory gleam of his eyes, his nose that stood as tall as his own pride, and even those plump lips that had always sought me so greedily…
It was all a part of the Jung Yunho that I loved.
I wanted to caress that cheek that seemed to have retained a hint of the innocence of boyhood. I wanted to lend him my touch just like in old times. I hated feeling so distant from the person that had once belonged so purely to me. In truth, everything that I had just said had been nothing but my attempts at disguising my own impatient heart.
He knows me too well. His silence is most likely to give himself time to decipher my façade that was currently starting to crumble with my uneasiness. A sly kind of selfishness began to raise its head at the thought. This isn’t like us at all; this kind of thing can’t come between us.
“It was hard. Really. I ran here first thing after being let out because I wanted to see you so bad.”
“You should have mentioned that kind of thing earlier.”
I could see the ring fashioned on his perfect finger as he lifted his cup. But even before the wedding band, my eyes found his rough hands. I’ve had those fingers clasped around my neck, wringing the life from my body. I’ve even been beaten to the point of both cheeks being just about punched clear off by those hands. Every joint on those fingers had once massaged its way into me, and had been wrapped around my penis, squeezing me firmly.
Those were the hands that had once driven me to the point of ecstasy, so don’t you even think about pushing me aside by flashing a ring at me that doesn’t even suit you anyway.
“I haven’t even worked out where I’m going to stay yet. I just called you first without really giving it much thought.”
He laughed heartlessly as if he really couldn’t believe my carelessness.
Maybe I should really have hidden my shopping bags after all if I wanted him to buy what I was telling him. It was obvious that he thought of me as laughable by the way he looked back and forth at me then at the bags. He then crushed my resolve with a sigh that seemed to announce that my efforts were really hopeless after all.
Ah, there it is- I’d missed that bastardly tug at the corner of his lips that signaled the beginnings of a smirk- I’d missed it like a madman. My Jung Yunho was still radiant, even 2 years later. How did you manage to stay so unchanged? I’m absolutely disgusting if I don’t take care of myself.
"Call home and start looking for a flat. If you don’t think you can, I’ll give them a call for you.”
"But they’ll treat me like I’m still sick back home. I’m so tired of it all.”
Weren’t you the one that had rescued me from that filthy cave? Now you’re going to try to send me back? Were you always enough of a bastard to enjoy playing games with people’s hearts? You were never like this before, Yunho. I would have never even imagined that you would ever treat me like this. Don’t do this to me now.
“Then stay at your Uncle’s hotel. Lets go- I’ll get you a room.”
"He’s family too. Don’t you know better than anyone that it’s his fault that I’m in this mess in the first place?”
I wanted to kiss those tightly closed lips. Should I just forget everything else and go for it? Since it was a weekday and already past the busiest hours of the day, there was no one in sight anyway. I wanted to drench your lips in my essence; I wanted to see them shining, coated by my saliva.
Stop saying such cruel things, Yunho. No matter how horrible I am, you of all people shouldn’t be like this to me.
“I don’t want to. You know I can’t sleep well in new places.”
I whined in the kind of voice that Yunho had always liked. He’d always wrapped his arms around me a little more warmly when I’d used this kind voice; it apparently pulled at his heart strings a little because it sounded like a little mewling kitten. He’d always preferred the sounds of my whines and whimpers as I squirmed underneath him over the sharp tone of my regular speaking voice.
“I’ll be great to your wife too; I’ll be really polite.”
“…”
“I swear I won’t try anything.”
I could see the look of compliance beginning to flicker to life in the depths of his eyes. See, you could never refuse me. How could you ever lie when you let such obvious hints of emotion escape just making such a simple face? Maybe if it was the other way around, and it was me lying to you, it’d be a different story.
After a while of sitting, pressing his fingers to the bridge of his nose between his eyes, he fixed his glasses. Then he got up with the bill in hand. I gathered up my shopping bags and quickly chased after Yunho’s footsteps.
Following him like a child, I tried to pick out the parts of him that had not yet changed.
Ah, even the rear view is spectacular. The strands of hair stretching past his neck and lying across strong shoulders- everything about him was clean and neat.
The perfect man. A sigh of admiration escaped me at the sight of that firm back that made me want to latch on to him right then.
He stood at the counter and paid, meeting his eyes with those of a female employee. He had learned to take in useless things during the two years that we’d been apart.
No- I hated him paying attention to anyone other than me even for an instant.
I recklessly pulled him out of the store, not even giving him a chance to get the change. I dragged him quite a long ways considering the sheer weight of all of things I was carrying. When I finally stopped, I began to feel a little faint since I hadn’t eaten in a long while.
Yunho was glowing in the brilliant sunlight- but, he wasn’t smiling.
I was jealous. Weren’t you the one that told me that you would like it if I got jealous of everything that caught your attention even for a split second? So I was jealous. Aren’t I such a good boy? Why aren’t you smiling? You’re making me nervous……
Soon after, tensed up, he turned his back to me. It was so bright in front of my eyes that I could not see his back very well. Damn summer…
The glare of the sun felt so hot on me that I felt like I was going to collapse any second now. It was getting hard to breathe. But I still managed to follow him to the entrance to the parking lot even while holding all of my bags. Despite everything, I walked up to him cheerily, all the while trying to put some strength into my body.
Soon, as I heard the roar of an engine coming to life, a sleek car came to a halt in front of me. Ah…happiness. It was a car that suited him well: a silver Mercedes- the car that I had always told him time and time again to get if a suit should ever become his daily wear. He’d remembered even such insignificant details about our time together. I was so glad that I soon felt the dizziness starting to lift. I bet he’d thought of me every time he slid in his keys. I bet he’d thought of me every time he put his hands on the wheel. I felt as though half my troubles had already been taken off my shoulders.
He rolled down the passenger seat window. But his eyes weren’t on me. I made out his narrowed eyes from the elegant flow of his profile. I lifted my bags up for him to see.
“Please Yunho, open up. I’m so exhausted…”…
He continued to ignore even my slightly grumpy pleas. It didn’t look as though he had any plans of letting me in any time soon. I bit my lips- it was hard to read his face this time.
I was starving and it was scorching hot; I was in my worst possible state. On top of that, I suddenly felt the haze of fatigue starting to cloud my mind. But even then, it didn’t look as though he had any intention of even hearing me out. He’d grown a lot stronger and yet a lot more spiteful as well in the time we were apart; it seemed as though my absence had taken a lot out of him. But I was more than willing to put up with my Yunho’s ever childish little displays.
“Are you really that mad? You look really angry…But you know, this whole thing was really hard on me too. So don’t be like that.”
“…”
“Can you see my body starting to react? I want to impale myself on your cock right now. Yunho…”
“I…”
Despite looking absolutely pathetic, draped over the car window, I paid my full attention to Yunho’s voice- it calmed me like no drug ever could. Whenever I heard those sweet whispers at my ear, I’d always felt as though I was the happiest person in the world. You held that that kind power over me.
“You do too, don’t you? You want to ram it in me…Do you want to go to a hotel? Hm?”
“I don’t trust you.”
Liar. I know you want to lay me down right here and lick me all over- ravage me like an animal.
But unlike what was running through my head, my body was having its own silent panic attack. All I could do was stand, frozen, as the sleek silver Mercedes moved past me and clear out of the parking lot. I fixed my grip on my bags and set out into the sun as well. What had been just a few moments ago cheery sunlight, was instantly transformed into an unbearable heat. It was agonizingly humid. It was getting hard to breathe but even then, I made no attempt to move, fixed to that spot on the road.
Have you even forgotten…that I'm weak to sunlight?
I was able to get Yunho’s address no problem with just a quick phone call to his company. I had someone do it for me just in case they asked too many questions. I’d been on the verge of calling his parents’ house but I caught myself, not wanting to cause any more trouble for them than I already had. After all, his Mother wouldn’t be too happy to hear that I’d left the hospital and was alive and well.
A few hours rolled by and it was now past the time when Yunho would get off work. Unless there was some special reason, he’d be showing up soon. I sat crouching in front of the front door to his house, my new clothes from today already dirty from sitting on the dusty porch steps. I decided that if I ever managed to get into his house, I would change. With this happy thought in mind, I began rummaging through my shopping bags for something to wear.
Inside, there were two shirts that made me wonder what I could possibly have been thinking when I’d bought them. They were both too big for me and they didn’t suit me either. Maybe I’d picked these out for him subconsciously. I’d always thought it had been me who’d managed to put a collar on Yunho, but it didn’t seem as though that was particularly the case.
It was getting dark.
I was sticky everywhere from sweat; I desperately wanted to take a shower. It was already past the time when he should have come home. As I flipped my cell phone shut, I suddenly became overtaken with curiosity. I took out the owner’s manual for my new phone that I’d gotten back at the phone company and started to study its functions. With my phone in my lap, I began to play around with it. But in just a short while, the back of the phone began to overheat.
By now, the world around me had grown pitch black, and the neighborhood, silent, as if there was not one other soul living in it. Because this was an upscale neighborhood, many cars passed, shining their headlights on me. Yunho’s car was one of them.
I had just stood up, dusting off my pants, to give whoever had rudely parked his car, headlights glaring right into my eyes, a piece of my mind. It was Yunho. He looked the exactly the same as he had this afternoon- still perfectly neat, still perfectly gorgeous. How is it that you can shine like that even on a dark night like this one?
“Go back.”
Even your lips shone. I wonder why I’m always pulled into you so helplessly. The harsh words that come out of his mouth are instantly swallowed up by thoughts like these. I wonder how it is that I don’t feel the least bit discouraged even at such open rejection. I guess it’s solid proof of my arrogant streak.
“I promise…I’ll be good…”…
“Don’t make me say it again. Go back.”
I can’t seem to find any way to reason with this cold new side of him. Inside, I was desperately scrambling to find a solution. He returned to his car in the time that I had been standing around with my thoughts, and with the soft purr of the engine, moved it into the garage.
He’ll come back. He knows summer nights are lonely and cold. There’s no way he’d leave me alone to fend for myself. In that time though, I manage to do one thing: I reassure myself- another one of my habits.
Just as I predicted, soon after, Yunho is standing in front of me again. His expression is darker than even the thick cloak of the night that enveloped us; it looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Even though it was far from believable from the way that he just stood there blankly that he’d really leave me out here alone, I was still obligated to play along with this act of his to some extent.
I was as clever and as fierce as ever- I stopped only to consider what I wanted, just like I always had. But Jung Yunho loves me all the same.
Ah…crying is such a troublesome and tiring façade.
“I…sob…still…can’t sleep at night…sniff…I’m so scared.”
“…”
“I really…don’t think I could live without you…sob…”
“…That kind of thing won’t work on me anymore.”
Don’t fuck with me. You’ve never managed to hold up against my tears. Not even once. No matter how bad I am to you, you can’t help but to give in. Even if you do manage to turn your back, I know you’ll be secretly crying tears of blood on the inside. But I know that you’re not such a bad guy. I know my Yunho won’t be able to do something like that to me.
I take a hold of his hand, slowly sliding it up his arm and soon, above his shoulder. A helpless sigh escapes my lips.
They were real tears this time. Not the devilish kind with only the intention of tying him down, but real, genuine tears straight from the heart. Maybe I’d missed him more than even I had realized myself. There are times when I’m in absolute agony but also times when I can’t help but to be moved to tears- all because of you.
Out of the 2 years that we were apart, I never I forgot, not even for an instant, a single part of you; not a drop blood, not a string muscle, not even the tiniest cell. Do you know how thankful I am that I can touch you again?
You haven’t forgotten me either. You can’t abandon me, your heart, just because you’ve somehow gotten yourself tangled up in something as insignificant as marriage. You’re fighting with yourself right now, aren’t you?
“…”
Please give me the answer that I need to hear.
“…Yunho…”
You love me. I know you do.
“…I’m only letting you stay for the next little while.”
You see, the reason why I could never find the comfort of sleep for all of those long nights were not the nightmares of that fateful day but was rather my insatiable craving, my burning desire for you. It’s not a bad feeling knowing that no matter what kind of excuses I might throw out, you won’t ever be able to turn me down.
“I missed you…”
His chest was just as firm as I remembered, suffocating even. The sounds of my harsh breathing echoed loud and clear in my own ears. I always managed to resist the temptation, whenever they happened to come across me, to rip these vital puffs of life from my own chest. After all, if I’d done it right then, it would have meant that I would have had to die without your arms around me. I’ll definitely have my fingers curled around your heart again.
I was an infinitely fragile and small creature and you were my man, my special someone who will have to love me- right down to the thorns.
I know what your heart is telling you. I’m your one and only- now and forever.
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