Unexpected Gifts
A/N: Every thank you in the world to goodwifefan for being my beta and sticking with me throughout this experience. You have the patience of a saint, my dear. This fic (and this author) are better because of all your hard work. Please read and review - your comments now will help make my fics better in the future! Happy reading!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters...as much as I wish I did. All credit goes to the fun folks at CBS with my thanks.
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An empty apartment was a large motivator to do something, anything to avoid getting trapped in the deadly spiral of over-thinking that the silence brought with it. Running her hand through her hair, Alicia took a deep breath and went back to organizing her closet.
She had been at this for hours - starting at the top and working her way down. The upper shelf and hanging rack had gone by so quickly that she mistakenly thought the rest would go just as quickly. The bottom was a whole different animal. Over the years, she had collected things - lots of things. Projects, papers and art created by the kids sat in four rather heavy boxes towards the back. "Florrick family work product” is what she'd called all of it when they had moved to the apartment. She knew she should have gotten rid of them during the move, but ultimately, the stuff in those boxes was a testament to her children's innocence - to life before the scandal, the prison time, the campaign, and the separation. She felt obligated to keep them.
She tossed pairs of shoes and handbags she didn't use into an already huge “donate to charity” pile. She was always glad to pass on things she didn't use. That way they would find a new purpose with someone else. The grandeur of her past life was nothing Alicia ever denied; however, that glitz and excess became heavier and heavier with each passing rumor, allegation and scandal.
She moved to a large black trunk that was underneath her shoe organizer. It was the stash spot for her presents - a safe hiding place from prying eyes. Looking in, she thumbed through the boxes inside. Owen’s birthday was coming up. She’d bought him a cashmere sweater, a pair of shoes that he had commented on when they last went window shopping, and a subscription to his favorite magazine. Alicia smiled to herself - she’d put the subscription in the biggest box as a joke.
She was about to put the lid back on when a smaller box caught her eye. It was wrapped in green paisley paper with a green bow. Alicia saw “Kalinda” on the tag, and “Damn” was the only word to escape her mouth. It was Kalinda's birthday present. She'd bought it months ago - before she found out about Kalinda’s one night stand with Peter.
Pulling it out, she stared at the little box. Inside it was a silver hair clip with a black stripe down the middle. Kalinda frequently used the same clip day after day, so Alicia thought this one would have a practical, functional purpose. That was the hardest part about buying anything for Kalinda - it needed to have a purpose.
Looking at her datebook, she realized Kalinda's birthday hadn't passed. It was on Tuesday. As it was, the fact that Alicia knew Kalinda's birthday was somewhat of a miracle. Alicia smiled, despite herself, at the memory of Kalinda getting carded by a bartender with less than angelic intentions. Before she put it away, Alicia had snatched Kalinda's license and looked it over with a giggle. She memorized the date before giving it back. Truthfully, she didn't know if it was Kalinda's real birthday, but Alicia figured it was the thought that counted.
In all honesty, Alicia wasn't really angry anymore. She felt almost cavalier about the whole thing - "Oh, look. Peter cheated...again. Shocking!" The hard part for Alicia was Kalinda's denial - the lies…the way she led her on for the entirety of their friendship. The tears, and then the anger, originated there. However, Alicia couldn't deny how much she missed Kalinda. Defying the expectations of her own feminism, and the begrudging nature she occasionally let herself operate under, she was ready to give the friendship another chance. She needed Kalinda back in her life - curt, cool, frequently questionable Kalinda.
Monday came and went fairly quickly. Alicia was drowning in depositions, reports and evidence. She didn't even need to avoid Kalinda. It just happened routinely these days. Alicia could hear the investigator's heels and knew Kalinda had seen her in the conference room. These two tracks of avoidance had been their strictly held norms for so long now that grooves were beginning to form in the carpet of their daily routines.
Tuesday morning, she stood sipping her coffee and running her thumb over the paisley paper. She needed to figure out when to do this. Last year, she'd invited Kalinda out for dinner and presented her gift then. That didn’t seem possible now. They had a hard enough time sharing a conference room, let alone a table. She didn't even know if Kalinda would be in today. It was conceivable that she wouldn't be. Alicia decided she would leave the box on her desk and be done with it. No harm, no foul. Kalinda would find Alicia if she wanted to see her - of that Alicia was sure. With that sorted out, she slid the box into her briefcase, rinsed her coffee cup, and headed out the door.
Walking out of the elevator, Alicia hurried to her office. Traffic had been nuts - accidents everywhere. She had a witness to prep in exactly five, no, four minutes. She threw her coat on the couch, grabbed the files she needed for prep and placed them on the corner of her desk. Pulling Kalinda’s gift from her briefcase, she paused and sighed. With a determined resolve, she placed the box on top of the files and hurried out the door. She walked towards Kalinda's office and quickly noticed that she was somewhere in the firm. Her coat was hung up, and her laptop was open but not on. Alicia placed the box on the keyboard and hastily took off towards the conference room. Courtney saw her and told her the witness was there. She was off to the races.
It was 12:30 before she returned to her office. She'd spent four hours prepping two different witnesses. Her throat was sore from battering them with questions, yelling at them on more than one occasion for dramatic effect. Alicia flopped into her chair with a huff and ran her hand through her hair. Gathering her thoughts, she scrawled out a small "To Do" list. David was right - she did like lists. She was thinking about the sense of control that they gave her when Kalinda knocked at her door, holding up the box to announce her reason for being there.
"Hi." Alicia said, motioning for Kalinda to sit down. She really had no idea how to handle this one. Well, she had known - when she was standing in her kitchen, calm and collected - but now, it was game on, and she didn't remember how to play. Kalinda returned her greeting and sat down. Alicia swore she could see trepidation in her eyes. "I'm not going to yell at you," she said, instantly regretting it. Nevertheless, Kalinda appeared to relax slightly - very slightly. Gesturing towards the box, Alicia said, "Happy birthday” as calmly as she could.
Kalinda stared down at the box and then up at Alicia. When she found the gift, she knew it was from Alicia without reading the card - nobody else knew. Outside of Alicia’s present, she would usually celebrate by buying herself a new pair of shoes or a handbag. She would treat herself to a night out, which would often end in some random bed, in some random apartment, with some random person. She would escape early the next morning, head home and continue on with her life. This year, Kalinda had figured that her birthday routine would be the only marker of another year passing, so to say she'd been expecting this would be a complete and utter lie. It actually confused her...and gave her hope. Kalinda allowed herself to wonder if there might be an additional purpose behind the gift. She lifted the box off her lap tentatively, looking at Alicia again.
"It's not a bomb.” Alicia said, again wishing she'd kept her mouth shut. After two years of friendship, she knew well enough that Kalinda's lack of conversation wasn’t always an invitation for chatting, but under the circumstances, the silence was painfully awkward.
Kalinda slipped her finger under each side flap, popping up the tape. Tearing into the package, she smiled when she saw the clip. "Thank you, Alicia" she said softly, tracing a finger along the black strip that ran through it. “I've looked for another clip but have never found the right one. This is perfect.” She blinked back some tears that were starting to pool in her eyes. She had no idea how or why Alicia was so kind to her after all that had happened - after all the hurt she had caused her.
"Happy birthday." Alicia said again. She saw Kalinda’s eyes fill but, when she blinked, the tears seemed to disappear. Neither really knew what to say, so silence filled the gap between them for several more torturous moments. There was so much that each of them wanted to express, but how to start the discussion eluded both of them.
Kalinda's phone flashed a text, saving the pair. “It’s Sophia. The results of that DNA test are back,” she said standing up. Alicia stood up too - although she didn't know why. Kalinda picked up her present and thanked her again. She turned towards the door, paused and turned back to Alicia. For a moment, Alicia thought Kalinda was going to hug her, but when she looked up, Kalinda just gazed at her for a moment, smiled softly, and was gone.
The rest of the day progressed fairly quickly. Everything on her list had been checked off by the time Alicia was ready to go home. That was until Diane stopped by her office. She needed Alicia to draft up a motion for their latest case. It needed to be in by the end of business tomorrow and wasn’t going to be a small task. This case was a big one, and every motion counted. Sitting back down, Alicia ran her hand through her hair. Peter had the kids tonight, so she was free. Settling in with a sigh, she started to work.
She was a solid hour into the motion when, for the second time today, Kalinda stood in her doorway. Alicia marveled at how put together she looked. She had her coat draped over her arm, her sapphire blouse tucked into a black skirt, the signature boots, and her hair pulled back into its usual style, not a strand out of place. Alicia had kicked off her shoes forty five minutes ago, and her suit jacket was haphazardly strewn on the couch.
"I'm going to get dinner. Want to come?" Kalinda asked, motioning toward the stairs with her head. Alicia looked down at her laptop. She was pretty much done. Well, no. She had quite a bit more to go, but she was starving. The fact that dinner with Kalinda had the potential to be really awkward crossed her mind, but Alicia decided to take the risk. “Why not?” said Alicia, sliding on her shoes. Kalinda shifted her weight nervously, one leather-covered calf crossed over the other, as Alicia grabbed her coat and handbag.
They walked to a restaurant that they had often frequented together and sat down in their usual booth. It was amazing how the pair had such routines when Kalinda was practically allergic to them. “What are you ordering?" Alicia asked as they looked over the wine list. “Merlot,” Kalinda responded.
"Bottle?" Alicia followed up. Kalinda nodded. When it came, Alicia poured two glasses. "To your birthday," she said, raising her glass. Kalinda smiled and clinked her glass against Alicia's. This was far too comfortable - almost like all that had happened hadn't. It was unnerving. Taking a sip, Kalinda cleared her throat.
"You’re the only one who knows my birthday.” Kalinda murmured, and Alicia laughed. She reminded Kalinda about the night she stole her license - about the case they wouldn’t have won without her information and the look on the plaintiff’s face when the loss sank in. Kalinda flashed a half-sided smirk, more relieved than she let on. She became nervous when people knew things about her that she didn’t tell them directly. Blake's recent meddling reminded her precisely why.
As they sat, enjoying their dinner and drinking, Alicia contemplated just having it out with Kalinda - putting everything on the table so she didn't feel like an elephant was standing between them. However, Alicia knew Kalinda. Just slapping it down, directly and abruptly, would send her on the defensive, and they would not resolve anything. So, Alicia opted for small talk, hoping Kalinda would broach the topic. She knew that it would come up…it had to.
When their plates were cleared, Kalinda looked at the half-empty bottle of wine. She didn't want to hash things out with Alicia tonight, even though that had been the motivation for inviting her initially. She secretly wanted to see if they could simply restart from here without the big discussion -just quiet dinners rebuilding to better things. “No”, she thought to herself. She needed to raise the topic, even though she was unsure how Alicia would react. She was sure that Alicia had analyzed every aspect of the situation, but she wouldn’t make any comments about it unless Kalinda introduced it. If they could talk things out, just talk as they used to talk, then maybe, just maybe, they could restore their friendship.
"Alicia..." Kalinda started, before hesitating and taking a sip of wine. Alicia slowly looked at her without fully raising her head. This was it. It was going to happen. Alicia wasn't angry or sad anymore. She simply felt a growing determination to get the puzzle put back together. Her family life was a mess, but Alicia was confident it would sort itself out with time. The closest friendship she'd had in years, if not ever, needed focused attention if it was going to mend. It wouldn't spontaneously get better. It would die, and part of Alicia would fade along with it.
Alicia was nervous. Her eyes dropped to the table. She began straightening the edges of her napkin and smoothing the wrinkles with her palm, a physical indicator of the results she hoped for with this conversation. Without looking up, she quietly asked, "Do you regret it?"
She hoped Kalinda did. There were a lot of little things about Kalinda that this whole thing had highlighted for Alicia. She understood that Kalinda felt much more than people realized. She'd seen the tears welling in Kalinda's eyes after that explosive meeting in her office, after the briefing in the conference room, and after she opened her gift this afternoon. Alicia remembered how 'off' Kalinda was during the meeting with the judge's daughter. She undeniably felt things. Alicia wanted to know that Kalinda felt this too - that she felt as shattered by this rift between them as she was.
Kalinda studied Alicia's face and the motion of her hands. She waited patiently for Alicia to meet her gaze before murmuring, “I've never regretted anything more in my life." She meant that. She really had never paid attention to Peter or his stories about home until he had helped her with "The Switch." Sure he was her boss, but he was boring and egotistical - nothing Kalinda found very appealing. She had certainly never voluntarily listened to his stories about Alicia, and she hadn't liked the parts she had heard. Peter made Alicia sound like a flavorless society wife - the kind who embraced the title "Martyr for the Cause" like a half priced, perfectly tailored designer suit.
By the time the scandal hit, Kalinda had already left the SA's office and was happily working at Lockhart-Gardner. She remembered watching Alicia stand next to Peter during his announcement thinking, "If only you knew..." A week later, after the doleful figure from the TV finished wandering around the bullpen, trying to find her own office, Kalinda unexpectedly began the journey of discovering, through Alicia, what a real friendship could be.
Alicia watched Kalinda's face intently as she replied. She cocked her head to the side and took a deep breath. Then, quietly, Alicia responded, “I'm sorry for the things I said. They were crass and childish.”
Kalinda stared back. She hadn't expected an apology from Alicia. She didn't require one. "I hurt you. I deserved it," she murmured while pouring more wine into her glass. She hoped Alicia wouldn't read into it. Right now, though, Kalinda didn't care if Alicia knew just how nervous she was. She could tell Alicia was as well.
"Maybe." Alicia said with a small, tired smile. She tipped her glass towards Kalinda for a refill. Watching Kalinda empty the rest of the bottle into her glass, Alicia vowed to herself that their friendship would be on the road to recovery by the time they finished these. If not, she'd order another bottle.
Kalinda stared into her glass, watching the dark liquid move around it gracefully. "I've missed this," she said softly. Kalinda really meant "you" more than "this." She missed Alicia's presence, her near constant state of panic that was brilliantly speckled with spots of sheer self-confidence. She missed how Alicia cared. She missed the after-work tequila shots and the drunken giggles that followed. Nevertheless, Alicia's soft, “Me too.” surprised her. Kalinda searched for a response that would beg Alicia to be her friend again without sounding as desperate as she actually felt.
"Kalinda, I need you to be honest with me." Alicia said abruptly. Kalinda's eyes grew wide. She had been. There wasn’t anything else she could be honest about that was still within the realm of this situation. "If I am ever going to be able to trust you again, I need you to trust me too. I need you to believe that I'm not going to run out and tell the world your secrets.” Alicia paused for emphasis before stating, “I need you to be more human with me." She was feeling bold now, challenging Kalinda to lower the gate once in a while and let her in - asking Kalinda to give her something every now and then that didn't require extensive psychoanalysis to figure out.
Kalinda let her eyes land on everything but Alicia. This was absolutely terrifying. Alicia was the closest, most genuine, friend she'd ever had, but letting her in was a frightening concept. Still, she knew that Alicia wasn't asking for, and didn't need, everything at once. She was talking about little things - who she was dating, movies she'd seen, some (but certainly not all) of the things Alicia talked to her about. Kalinda decided she could do that...well, she could try. "Ok, Alicia. I will try," she said sincerely.
An awkward silence again settled over them, pregnant with things each was uncertain about expressing just yet. Kalinda absently rolled the stem of her now-empty glass between her thumb and fingers. She willed away the emotions that were bubbling just beneath the surface. Alicia bit the edge of her lip, watching Kalinda and hoping there was more.
Finally, Kalinda cleared her throat and shakily said, “I can't change the past, Alicia, no matter how much I wish I could. I need you to know that you - and your friendship - are important to me.” Kalinda closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. “Since I met you, I have only wanted to protect you from more pain. I wanted to tell you the truth, but I thought that I could save you - and selfishly, myself - from additional anguish by leaving it alone. Instead, I just caused more.” Catching Alicia's eyes, she continued, “Now that I know you - and trust you, Alicia - I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you.” Then, nearer to pleading than Alicia had ever heard her before, Kalinda finished earnestly, “Alicia, I need you to believe me.”
Alicia stared at Kalinda through tired eyes for a moment, mentally matching up Kalinda's statements with all the hopes she had held within her mind. Letting out a breath she suddenly realized she'd been holding, she murmured, “I believe you, Kalinda." Then she added, “Thank you,” as she reached for Kalinda's hand, squeezing it briefly as a sign of solidarity and comfort.
Kalinda reflexively tensed and then looked at their hands for a moment before slowly putting hers into her lap. She fiddled with one of the buttons on her coat, unsure of herself and the way forward. “So...can we be ok now?” Kalinda asked in a soft, almost childlike, voice. She avoided Alicia’s face until she heard her speak.
“We're gonna be good, Kalinda. We're gonna be good,” Alicia said with a nod. They both needed this to be finished. She and Peter were over; that part of her life was ending. Alicia needed to hold on what she could of the life she had built for herself while he was in prison. Kalinda's friendship reminded her that she was strong and independent.
Kalinda's relief was palpable as the weight of the tension drained from her face. Alicia smiled sweetly at the sight, and Kalinda matched it with her own. As the pair stood to leave, Alicia touched Kalinda's arm. When Kalinda turned towards her, Alicia put her arms around her and pulled her into a hug. This time Kalinda didn't resist. She returned Alicia's embrace tightly as Alicia rubbed her back in soft, soothing circular motions.
Kalinda told herself that all the hurt and turmoil was worth it for this fleeting moment of intimacy between the two of them. She felt tears form in her eyes again, but letting go of Alicia, Kalinda did not try to hide them this time.
Alicia noticed, but wisely chose to say nothing, and simply touched Kalinda's arm reassuringly. With eyes glistening, Kalinda held Alicia's gaze and shared a softer version of her lopsided grin. They had come so far tonight, the two of them. Kalinda had managed to soften herself, while Alicia learned to be bold. It was their new equilibrium.
Alicia opened the door, and they walked back towards the office together, again comfortable sharing each other's space. With gentle waves and friendly tones, they wished each other a good night at the front entrance. Kalinda headed to the parking garage, and Alicia went back to her office. Both of them parted with a much happier outlook on what was to come.
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