Loving You (is the hardest thing I've ever done)
Title: Loving You (is the hardest thing I’ve ever done)
Pairing: one sided!HoMin, Changry, HoSu.
Summary: Loving him is like sweet, sweet torture but beautiful all the same even if it means seeing him smile for someone who isn’t you.
Warning: Angst, slight changes in a few things here and there to suit this story and insane Yunho.
Rating: G
Notes: Another angst fic already? I have no idea where this entire angst thing is coming from, really I don’t. But this is sort of to make up for yesterday’s U-Kiss angst, which was coincidentally also a slap in the face, wake up to reality thing. Real sorry for that DDD: also, this is my first time trying to write in first point of view, so concrete would be nice (:
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Loving you has to be one of the hardest, stupidest, most idiotic I’ve ever done in my entire life. It wasn’t supposed to happen, never like this. I’m probably damned to hell for thinking and feeling this way anyways and seeing as I’m going to hell already, might as well just keep on going. I’m not blind. I see the warning looks Jaejoong gives me and the silent reprimands Yoochun has in his thinned lips and narrowed eyes. They’re protective, they don’t want you tainted, smudged by my fingerprints then left to topple of a building, crashing and burning on the way down. But oh no baby, I’d never do it to you. I love you too much yet you don’t know it. And next to you, your sweet, smiley best friend Junsu remains as oblivious as you are, falling for me when I’ve already fallen for you. And if I can’t have you, I’ll take the next best thing; Junsu. Sweet, adorable Junsu who is much like you except without out the sharp tongue, wit, dry humour and sarcasm. Dear sweet Junsu who will forever remain ignorant of the fact that I don’t love him, it was never him to begin with. It’s always been you sweetheart.
Loving you is a sweet torture, a slow lick of fire against my skin that has me burning up, close to combusting before it backs off, leaving me to pant, suffer a little more before the fire comes back, heat increasing a tenfold but oh, it’s a sweet, sweet torture that I take guilty pleasure in. Even when you bring him Super Junior’s Henry who is all shy smiles, innocent eyes and soft cheeks. I see the way you look at him - all loving, gentle and kind - and it makes so angry, makes me want to kill him but then Heechul would kill me and then I’d never be able to see you anymore and that’s far worse than the sight of you cuddling with your precious darling on the sofa as you watch movies, of you kissing him all passion and sensuality, leaving him whimpering under you in the next room as I stay up, Junsu curled up around me, head resting on my bare stomach, listening as you moan and he cries before there is silence and sweet I love you's being exchanged. And when morning comes, I see you in the kitchen with Henry practically in your lap as you press your lips to his ear, whispering sweet words of comfort to chase away the angry chants of the fans that haunt your love’s sweet dreams. He smiles then, flushing a little before turning to you and sealing your lips together in a gentle kiss. It makes me so, so angry. I want to yank him off you, beat him into the ground for touching you that way but I can’t because Jaejoong is watching, keeping an eye on me so I won’t do anything to you, the baby of the group and I back off once more. You’re only nineteen then, plenty of years more when I can hold you and touch you and burn you with the very same flames you’re burning me with.
Loving you is like a cool spring day with a gentle breeze stroking my cheeks, all loving and gentle but never the kind of love I want. You curl up to me, tears hanging at the tips of your lashes as you smile, eyes mismatched as you watch Henry perform in China on his violin. He plays so well doesn’t he hyung? You say proudly, sniffling a little when the fans scream themselves hoarse, vibrating the speakers of your television. I smile stiffly, fingers carding through your now short hair that’s been dyed a lighter shade of brown, enjoying the way your hair slips of my fingers like silk. He does. I reply quietly, an underlying current of jealousy and anger in my voice but you don’t seem to hear it. As sarcastic and smart of a person you are, you still have so much innocence in you. Innocence I’d like to taint as you become putty under my touches, my lips on your skin and I shudder at the thought. You look up at me in concern, cool fingers stroking away my fringe before you press your forehead to mine and I smell your sweet breath - it’s sweet of the strawberries you ate after dinner and something that is all you - your mouth kissing distance away and I press our lips together in a brief, chaste, 'brotherly' kiss leaving you flustered as you shove me away. Hyung! You say almost indignantly, eyes narrowed, lips pressing together giving me an unimpressed look as I smile brightly. What is it Changmin? Is it wrong of me to want to give my baby brother a kiss? And I laugh mentally as you flush a pretty pink, making me wonder if you’d look like that once I’ve got you in my clutches. But no, it isn’t the time yet because you’re still blooming. It’s so very wrong to cut off a flowered that has yet to mature into full beauty.
Loving you makes me so protective, makes me want to kill everyone that as so much touches you. Did you know how much I hated it when Jaejoong was the one to kiss you awake my sweet love? Oh, I felt so angry at Jaejoong I left him crying once I was done with him, leaving Yoochun to pick up the pieces as you and Junsu sleep, oblivious to any conflicts going on. But I know Jaejoong doesn’t regret having been shouted at and slapped around a couple of times. All this just to keep you away from me. They call me obsessed but my dear heart, you see that I’m only trying to protect you right? When you came home after dance practice with Junsu to see your precious Henry on his stomach, face pressed into a pillow with me on top of him as he screams and cries. I only did it so he wouldn’t touch you anymore. You're unhappy and hyung always knows what’s best for you baby. Predictably, you’re upset, angry as Yoochun and Jaejoong pulls me off Henry who is whimpering and crying in pain, crisscross marks on his back dying in his milky skin red as you cradle him, trying to comfort him but baby, I did it for you, I don’t regret a thing. Even when Heechul punched me in the face and kneed me in my groin. You are worth everything and so much more. I’m glad I did what I had to do. Henry avoids you now because I’ve told him be a good boy darling and I won’t take you against your will. Just stay away from Changmin all right? He skitters off nervously now when I as so much make eye contact with him and I earn hard, angry glares from the rest of Super Junior but they don’t matter, only you.
Loving you means keeping you to myself even in death. You stare up at me, little whines escaping your gagged mouth, eyes filled with fear and lust as I stroke your cheek gently, lovingly, pressing little butterfly kisses all over your perfect face. You’re finally mine after so many years of waiting, no more Jaejoong or Yoochun or Junsu standing in my way after they decided to leave the company. But that was all my doing, I broke little Junsu, oh poor him but he’s collateral damage in order to have you to myself. You understand though don’t you Minnie-ah? My dear little darling. You know I love you don’t you? I whisper lovingly, lips curling up into a happy smile as you nod and I pull off the gag. Do you love me little Minnie? Tell me you do sweetheart. Don't break my heart darling. I say sadly, lips pulling down when I see the fear in your eyes becoming more prominent, when you stiffen under my touches. You relax and smile shakily, looking up at me. I love you hyung, so much. You reply, voice trembling and I smile, wide, happy and I free you of your bonds, pressing my lips to your chafed skin on your wrists. Of course you do little love, because I love you so much as well. You’ll always only love me won’t you? I pull you onto my lap, fingers stroking your hipbones, lips leaving their mark on your long neck and broad, muscular shoulders, pulling the blanket up to cover your shivering legs - oh those lovely legs - and you nod slowly. I won’t leave you hyung but you can’t hurt any more people okay? You swallow nervously as though expecting me to hit you, to hurt you but I can’t, I won’t because I love you. I won’t as long as you don’t let them touch you sweet baby. I agree before biting down harshly on the junction between your neck and shoulder. They can only touch you for work you understand me? But if you let them touch you for anything other then, I’ll be so very hurt and you don’t want hyung to be sad right? I snap harshly, making you flinch as I stroke your hands to soothe you. I feel a tear drop onto my wrist and I coo, holding you closer, adjusting you to press your face into my neck as you cry softly. Don’t cry my darling. Hyung didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s not your fault those perverts touch you anyways. My dear, sweet little flower, don’t cry. I coo lovingly and you sniffle, trying to stop your tears and I smile. See, you love me too and I knew from the very beginning, ignoring the tension running under your forced relax muscles.
We’ll be together, forever and ever because one day, sometime soon maybe, somebody - Jaejoong will hug you and kiss your tainted lips with his own full lips when you are reunited with JYJ - will try to take you away from me but don’t worry darling, I’ll still be there to hold you, love you even in our deaths because one day, sometime soon, the four walls of what was once our home, it’ll be painted in the red of our blood and our hearts will stop in time together as one for all eternity, five bodies cooling but only two still recognizable. Yours and mine because I love you so much.
.end
Pairing: one sided!HoMin, Changry, HoSu.
Summary: Loving him is like sweet, sweet torture but beautiful all the same even if it means seeing him smile for someone who isn’t you.
Warning: Angst, slight changes in a few things here and there to suit this story and insane Yunho.
Rating: G
Notes: Another angst fic already? I have no idea where this entire angst thing is coming from, really I don’t. But this is sort of to make up for yesterday’s U-Kiss angst, which was coincidentally also a slap in the face, wake up to reality thing. Real sorry for that DDD: also, this is my first time trying to write in first point of view, so concrete would be nice (:
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Loving you has to be one of the hardest, stupidest, most idiotic I’ve ever done in my entire life. It wasn’t supposed to happen, never like this. I’m probably damned to hell for thinking and feeling this way anyways and seeing as I’m going to hell already, might as well just keep on going. I’m not blind. I see the warning looks Jaejoong gives me and the silent reprimands Yoochun has in his thinned lips and narrowed eyes. They’re protective, they don’t want you tainted, smudged by my fingerprints then left to topple of a building, crashing and burning on the way down. But oh no baby, I’d never do it to you. I love you too much yet you don’t know it. And next to you, your sweet, smiley best friend Junsu remains as oblivious as you are, falling for me when I’ve already fallen for you. And if I can’t have you, I’ll take the next best thing; Junsu. Sweet, adorable Junsu who is much like you except without out the sharp tongue, wit, dry humour and sarcasm. Dear sweet Junsu who will forever remain ignorant of the fact that I don’t love him, it was never him to begin with. It’s always been you sweetheart.
Loving you is a sweet torture, a slow lick of fire against my skin that has me burning up, close to combusting before it backs off, leaving me to pant, suffer a little more before the fire comes back, heat increasing a tenfold but oh, it’s a sweet, sweet torture that I take guilty pleasure in. Even when you bring him Super Junior’s Henry who is all shy smiles, innocent eyes and soft cheeks. I see the way you look at him - all loving, gentle and kind - and it makes so angry, makes me want to kill him but then Heechul would kill me and then I’d never be able to see you anymore and that’s far worse than the sight of you cuddling with your precious darling on the sofa as you watch movies, of you kissing him all passion and sensuality, leaving him whimpering under you in the next room as I stay up, Junsu curled up around me, head resting on my bare stomach, listening as you moan and he cries before there is silence and sweet I love you's being exchanged. And when morning comes, I see you in the kitchen with Henry practically in your lap as you press your lips to his ear, whispering sweet words of comfort to chase away the angry chants of the fans that haunt your love’s sweet dreams. He smiles then, flushing a little before turning to you and sealing your lips together in a gentle kiss. It makes me so, so angry. I want to yank him off you, beat him into the ground for touching you that way but I can’t because Jaejoong is watching, keeping an eye on me so I won’t do anything to you, the baby of the group and I back off once more. You’re only nineteen then, plenty of years more when I can hold you and touch you and burn you with the very same flames you’re burning me with.
Loving you is like a cool spring day with a gentle breeze stroking my cheeks, all loving and gentle but never the kind of love I want. You curl up to me, tears hanging at the tips of your lashes as you smile, eyes mismatched as you watch Henry perform in China on his violin. He plays so well doesn’t he hyung? You say proudly, sniffling a little when the fans scream themselves hoarse, vibrating the speakers of your television. I smile stiffly, fingers carding through your now short hair that’s been dyed a lighter shade of brown, enjoying the way your hair slips of my fingers like silk. He does. I reply quietly, an underlying current of jealousy and anger in my voice but you don’t seem to hear it. As sarcastic and smart of a person you are, you still have so much innocence in you. Innocence I’d like to taint as you become putty under my touches, my lips on your skin and I shudder at the thought. You look up at me in concern, cool fingers stroking away my fringe before you press your forehead to mine and I smell your sweet breath - it’s sweet of the strawberries you ate after dinner and something that is all you - your mouth kissing distance away and I press our lips together in a brief, chaste, 'brotherly' kiss leaving you flustered as you shove me away. Hyung! You say almost indignantly, eyes narrowed, lips pressing together giving me an unimpressed look as I smile brightly. What is it Changmin? Is it wrong of me to want to give my baby brother a kiss? And I laugh mentally as you flush a pretty pink, making me wonder if you’d look like that once I’ve got you in my clutches. But no, it isn’t the time yet because you’re still blooming. It’s so very wrong to cut off a flowered that has yet to mature into full beauty.
Loving you makes me so protective, makes me want to kill everyone that as so much touches you. Did you know how much I hated it when Jaejoong was the one to kiss you awake my sweet love? Oh, I felt so angry at Jaejoong I left him crying once I was done with him, leaving Yoochun to pick up the pieces as you and Junsu sleep, oblivious to any conflicts going on. But I know Jaejoong doesn’t regret having been shouted at and slapped around a couple of times. All this just to keep you away from me. They call me obsessed but my dear heart, you see that I’m only trying to protect you right? When you came home after dance practice with Junsu to see your precious Henry on his stomach, face pressed into a pillow with me on top of him as he screams and cries. I only did it so he wouldn’t touch you anymore. You're unhappy and hyung always knows what’s best for you baby. Predictably, you’re upset, angry as Yoochun and Jaejoong pulls me off Henry who is whimpering and crying in pain, crisscross marks on his back dying in his milky skin red as you cradle him, trying to comfort him but baby, I did it for you, I don’t regret a thing. Even when Heechul punched me in the face and kneed me in my groin. You are worth everything and so much more. I’m glad I did what I had to do. Henry avoids you now because I’ve told him be a good boy darling and I won’t take you against your will. Just stay away from Changmin all right? He skitters off nervously now when I as so much make eye contact with him and I earn hard, angry glares from the rest of Super Junior but they don’t matter, only you.
Loving you means keeping you to myself even in death. You stare up at me, little whines escaping your gagged mouth, eyes filled with fear and lust as I stroke your cheek gently, lovingly, pressing little butterfly kisses all over your perfect face. You’re finally mine after so many years of waiting, no more Jaejoong or Yoochun or Junsu standing in my way after they decided to leave the company. But that was all my doing, I broke little Junsu, oh poor him but he’s collateral damage in order to have you to myself. You understand though don’t you Minnie-ah? My dear little darling. You know I love you don’t you? I whisper lovingly, lips curling up into a happy smile as you nod and I pull off the gag. Do you love me little Minnie? Tell me you do sweetheart. Don't break my heart darling. I say sadly, lips pulling down when I see the fear in your eyes becoming more prominent, when you stiffen under my touches. You relax and smile shakily, looking up at me. I love you hyung, so much. You reply, voice trembling and I smile, wide, happy and I free you of your bonds, pressing my lips to your chafed skin on your wrists. Of course you do little love, because I love you so much as well. You’ll always only love me won’t you? I pull you onto my lap, fingers stroking your hipbones, lips leaving their mark on your long neck and broad, muscular shoulders, pulling the blanket up to cover your shivering legs - oh those lovely legs - and you nod slowly. I won’t leave you hyung but you can’t hurt any more people okay? You swallow nervously as though expecting me to hit you, to hurt you but I can’t, I won’t because I love you. I won’t as long as you don’t let them touch you sweet baby. I agree before biting down harshly on the junction between your neck and shoulder. They can only touch you for work you understand me? But if you let them touch you for anything other then, I’ll be so very hurt and you don’t want hyung to be sad right? I snap harshly, making you flinch as I stroke your hands to soothe you. I feel a tear drop onto my wrist and I coo, holding you closer, adjusting you to press your face into my neck as you cry softly. Don’t cry my darling. Hyung didn’t mean to snap at you. It’s not your fault those perverts touch you anyways. My dear, sweet little flower, don’t cry. I coo lovingly and you sniffle, trying to stop your tears and I smile. See, you love me too and I knew from the very beginning, ignoring the tension running under your forced relax muscles.
We’ll be together, forever and ever because one day, sometime soon maybe, somebody - Jaejoong will hug you and kiss your tainted lips with his own full lips when you are reunited with JYJ - will try to take you away from me but don’t worry darling, I’ll still be there to hold you, love you even in our deaths because one day, sometime soon, the four walls of what was once our home, it’ll be painted in the red of our blood and our hearts will stop in time together as one for all eternity, five bodies cooling but only two still recognizable. Yours and mine because I love you so much.
.end