SPN Gen Drabble: "Indelible Wrongs" (Dean, PG)

[halfshellvenus]

Title: Indelible Wrongs
Author: HalfshellVenus
Characters: Dean (Gen, Angst, Drabble)
Rating: PG
Summary: Some things, you can never really come back from.
Author's Notes: A late birthday present for rosie_spleen, who wanted something based on Dean's confession from 4x10.
Also for supernatural100, this is "Condemnation."

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Comments

[rosie_spleen]

Thanks so much for writing this, Karen, it's a lovely birthday present (to co-celebrate our eternal 25ths!)

I love how you mention John Winchester. I haven't seen any of season 5 yet, and realize there were several aspects of fourth season you didn't love, but the Dean/Daddy relationship is something that has kept me interested through all seasons.

You capture Dean's feelings of ineptitude really well:

His father lasted to the end, but Dean had never been that strong.

For an outwardly confident character, I find that Dean covers a lot with clown antics and goofball remarks. I know a few peeps like this. Perhaps that's one of the main reasons I enjoy his character. Beautifully written and thanks so much for the gift.

xx

[halfshellvenus]

but the Dean/Daddy relationship is something that has kept me interested through all seasons.
Dean's relationship with his father defines so much of who he is, and his relationship with Sam defines most of the other half. He's one of the most family-centered male characters I think we've ever had on TV.

For an outwardly confident character, I find that Dean covers a lot with clown antics and goofball remarks.
His father is the yardstick against which Dean measures himself (and always finds himself lacking), but in many ways he's a better man than his father ever was. He just doesn't realize it, and it often hurts to see how hard he is on himself underneath all that bravado.

I'm glad you liked this-- I was hoping you would!

[rosie_spleen]

Oh, and lady? I just read your other comment at jolietjones journal. You didn't care for the scene? You should have SAID. I hate to get you to write things that don't appeal, and it was interesting what you said about Dean's pain throughout S4

In that light, you did a bloody brilliant job!!! LOL. It's a typical birthday gift, innit? You wouldn't buy it for yourself - looks hideous on - but you get it (or write it) because you're an awesome person.

it means HEAPS. With thanks and hugs.

[halfshellvenus]

Well, I didn't _hate_ it, I was just starting to get weary of how that particular plot hook kept reappearing (Dean spills yet more pain, Sam listens, Dean cries). It was as if Kripke and the writers had found a formula that resonated with viewers, and went to the well a few times too often with it. It was the codette after this one (in a later episode) that really bugged me. ;)

So given that, and a very specific request, I was not about to bail out on the opportunity to give you something you'd really like. Friends always deserve better! :D

[tsuki_no_bara]

i don't doubt the knowledge that would weigh heaviest on dean's mind was that even in hell, his dad was stronger than he was, and he'd never be able to live up to john's example. he'd beat himself up over that even considering the circumstances (you know, hell). makes me want to shake him, but that's who he is.

[halfshellvenus]

Exactly-- it's frustrating, because he's too hard on himself, but you know that's exactly what would keep tormenting as much as having done it: that John was stronger.

Dean can't really know whether Hell put the screws to John the same way it did to him, but he'll always assume John was in the same situation and came out the better man.

So sad. :(

[happywriter06]

I've always thought that what's-his-face may've been lying about John lasting till the end. I mean demon do lie. I mean what's the easiest way to cut Dean down? Say he doesn't measure up or hurt Sammy. In a lot of ways, Dean is better than John, which is great since aren't kids supposed to be better than their parents?

The world could not end. Sam could live. John could come to him in a dream and say, "I forgive you." It'll be all for nothing unless Dean forgives himself for being imperfect. This fic captures that.

[halfshellvenus]

I've always thought that what's-his-face may've been lying about John lasting till the end.
Me too-- there's no way for Dean to know whether his father's version of Hell was anything like his own, and taunting Dean with his father's "success" where Dean "failed" is exactly the kind of thing a demon would do.

It'll be all for nothing unless Dean forgives himself for being imperfect. This fic captures that.
Thank you! I know that some people get frustrated with this aspect of him, that he's too hard on himself, but I think the path all the way back to his childhood that made him that way is very distinct. It's human, and it's who he is-- who life taught him to be.

It isn't fair, but it's definitely true.

[happywriter06]

No matter how it ends, I want him to forgive himself. If he can do that, I think I'll be happy with whatever happens. The same goes for Sam.

[erinrua]

*weeps*

Beautiful, as ever.

[halfshellvenus]

I'm glad you liked it!

I think people may be getting the wrong impression about this one, that it's an external condemnation of Dean rather than his own self-torture.

Sadly, it often doesn't matter what other people tell him, because the voice in his head that tells him he's not good/brave/strong enough is always louder than any real praise or forgiveness will ever be. :(

[erinrua]

That's exactly how I read it. Dean is his own worst judge. Nobody on earth rakes him over worse than he does, himself. :(

Thank you again for sharing this. *smish!*