Chapter Fifteen

[owlmoose]

(New to the story? Start at the beginning.)

Chapter Fifteen
By the time Paine came alongside him on the trail, Nooj was feeling much more in control of events. He had examined and filed away the information Auron had thrust upon him at the mid-day break and had come to terms with all of immediate importance.

"I had a long talk with Sir Auron a while ago," he said quietly as she fell into step with him. He did not turn to face her, keeping his eyes focused on the horizon before them.

"Oh," she responded, bracing herself for the expected recriminations.

"It's all right, Paine. We're soldiers. When a superior officer tells us to do something, we do it. When we are asked a direct question, we answer. I understand you had no choice; your uncle explained the situation. Don't blame yourself. In a way, it's a good thing it all came out. He needed to understand how far he could rely on me and now he knows." Nooj looked down into her dark red eyes with an expression she found hard to read.

"You really don't mind? I was afraid you'd think I had betrayed you and told Auron things private between us." She was earnest in her concern.

"I understand what happened. And as to privacy, don't underestimate your uncle. Did you know he is aware of how things are with us?" Nooj lifted an eyebrow.

"You mean?" Paine blushed to the roots of her spikey pewter hair. "He knows we are friends and spend time together ..."

"Exactly. And now he knows much more. You don't have to worry any longer about keeping that secret from him. He knows everything." There was an unaccustomed hint of humor in the Crusader's voice. He did not often tease but this had proved irresistible to him.

"Everything?" She winced, aghast at the thought of her sole relative and a man she revered knowing such details of her private life.

"Well, maybe not everything. I doubt he knows you enjoy ..." He made an explicit gesture which made her redden even more than seemed possible. "I kept back a few things."

Paine looked at her companion closely. He was staring straight ahead with a solemn expression. Had he actually discussed their relationship with Auron? She could not tell for sure but was unwilling to put anything past him. He simply did not see some things in the same light as other people.

"Nooj--" She started to try to wheedle the facts out of him when she suddenly noticed a twitch of his lip. He was putting her on. Her long-tried patience finally exhausted, she slapped him as hard as she could across the face. "You bastard! You're just doing this to torment me!"

Nooj rarely laughed but when he did it was whole-heartedly. He straightened his spectacles which her slap had knocked askew before grabbing her hand as she drew it back for another blow. After looking about to make sure they were unobserved, he pulled her to him and kissed her hard.

"He said it was all right with him so long as we didn't do it in front of the army and endanger the mission." She made for him again and he hastily added, "Seriously. He had noticed we were spending the nights together and gave us his blessing so long as we are discreet."

She muttered under her breath, "I knew he saw us together a lot but he never really hinted he thought we were ..." She blushed again, then, in spite of herself, giggled into his shoulder. "I should have known he would figure us out. How am I going to face him?"

"With dignified courage, I expect." He dropped a light kiss on the top of her head.

-X-
The Ronso walked with tireless efficiency along the unmarked path. He had been glad when they left the main road to cut across country and find a place to cross the Moonflow without having to use the ferry. This unpaved ground was pleasant to his feet and he revelled in the scents their passage stirred up, the ones that told him of others who had passed this way. His only concern was Yuna. She was so small and so unaccustomed to rough terrain. His impulse was to simply pick her up and carry her in his arms to the next camping spot. Her trifling weight would be no problem for him; she was lighter than a kit of his race. However, when he had hesitantly broached the idea the night before, he had been given to understand it was not fitting to the dignity of a Summoner to ride a guardian like a draft animal. So he was forced to content himself with lifting her over the worst of the rough areas.

Things were going well, to his mind. The newcomers who had joined the pilgrims were good people, so far as he could judge. That Kal who turned out to be a friend of Sir Auron's didn't make much of a first impression but he was agreeable to the other leaders and had brought along some useful monks who looked like they could hold their own in a fight so Kimahri was ready to give him time to prove himself. Besides, Sir Auron liked him.

Paine was a better fighter than the Ronso had expected. She, was the niece of the guardian so he should not have been surprised. Still, even if she could use a sword with great skill, she was a human female and, as such, deserved a measure of protection as dictated by his cultural mores. If smiling had come easily to one of his kind, Kimahri would have smiled at the thought of how careful Paine and the young commander thought they were being in their relationship. As if any creature with a decent sense of smell could not have nosed out that affair days ago!

Which brought him to Nooj. He was a far better Warrior than might have been expected, given his handicaps. Of course, the Ronso had anticipated that, recognizing another professional when he met one. However, there had been reason to worry about him as a leader. He had seemed a little insecure and edgy about giving orders yesterday. Today he appeared to be steadying. Kimahri nodded to himself. It would be all right. Nooj could handle the job. There was a fresh sense of confidence about him, growing all the time.

As for Aquelev -- well, what was there to say about an Al Bhed? Another outsider in the ranks of the majority. The Healer was no mystery at heart. He was an open hearted, open handed tender of the sick. The race to which Kimahri belonged respected such and honored them for their dedication to the good of others. Yes, this was shaping up to be a good force as well as a force for good.

Then there was the mission itself. Kimahri spared no time for pondering the rights and wrongs of that. He was the guardian of the summoner and that was enough for him. Whatever she decided, where ever she choose to go, there he would follow without question or hesitation. With a grunt of contentment, he continued to pace along the way laid out by the leaders of the army.

-X-
It was a fact that Lulu missed Baralai. Of all the men in the party, she had found him the most congenial and easy to talk to. Even though they had met only days before, it seemed as though they had always been confidants and his absence grieved her. Of course, she knew where he had gone and what he was doing and the knowledge only added to her unhappiness, overlaying her wish for his companionship with worry about his well-being. She had not expected to have so many things on her mind these days and found the loss of her normal composure aggravating in the extreme.

She had joined the rebel army and was an integral part of it, yet she had still not completely subscribed to the stories she had heard about the sins being committed within the halls of Yevon. When a person has spent her entire life believing in the holiness of an organization, it is not a simple thing to upend that system of belief and start thinking that black is white and up is down. Deep in her soul, she wondered whether maybe only a few of the Maesters were corrupt and the religion as a whole was still pure.

A little way ahead she saw the modest figure of Aquelev. The few times she had spoken with him she had been impressed by his serene acceptance of reality, an admirable trait in a healer. She had not discussed his take on the truth of the accusations against the Maesters. Most Al Bhed had no particular religious devotion and likewise no great animus against those who were believers. She would welcome a neutral ear into which to pour her doubts. With that thought in mind, she hailed him.

"Aquelev, wait up if you will."

The sturdy figure paused and turned to see who had called his name. "Lady Lulu! How are you? Is there something I can do for you?"

"I thought we might walk together for a bit and pass the time. A fresh face is a great treat to me. By the way, that title is too grand for me. It properly belongs to one like Yuna."

He sketched a surprisingly graceful bow and smiled. "My pardons, ma'am. I'm only an Al Bhed bumpkin who is honored by your presence. Will you take my arm?"

Lulu smiled. "No. I can manage, just lend me your conversation."

"It is a poor thing, but entirely at your service." Aquelev's sharp eyes swept discretely over the black mage, noting the remains of creases on her forehead and wondered what had caused her distress. "Do you want idle banter, deep philosophical theorizing or appetizing gossip?"

This time she laughed aloud with delight. "Just conversation. I have found talk between friends tends to range and cover all the above. Are you finding the company of Crusaders and guardians to be agreeable to you?"

"Completely. I have traveled with Crusaders before, you know. I was assigned to the company Nooj led when he cleared out the bandits on the Highroad. Squab and Ferata were of that group as well, so I am used to the habits of such men."

"Was that when you first met Nooj?" Lulu had wondered.

"Yes, I thought I was being such a clever little spy, infiltrating his confidence to win him and the others as customers for our machina. And it turned out, he was on to me all the time." Aquelev made a forlorn mouth.

"That was before ...?"

"Before he was hurt? Yes. He was defending me at the Moonflow when Sin tore him apart." The Al Bhed turned suddenly serious. "I followed him to Luca where they put him back together and then misplaced him until a few days ago. I'll take care not to let him out of my sight again."

Lulu sighed, "What is it about him which inspires such devotion? I have heard of how three strangers who were with him in training for the Crimson Squad ending up begging him to be their leader. And I have seen how the Crusaders, even those who never knew him in person selected him as their chief by acclamation. He's not exactly the instruction book's picture of the inspiring general. What is it about him? He and Sir Auron have that same pull and they're so different."

"I don't know Sir - is that the proper title? - Auron well enough to compare them but Nooj will never abandon a comrade. He will give you his life if it's needed. I saw that more than once and I know he'll do what he says and can be trusted. There's not many like that, you know. If he's on your side, well -- it's hard to explain but it's like having a champion or a brother or ... it's hard to explain."

She patted him on the sleeve and nodded. "I understand. I feel that way about Yuna. She's my sister and inspiration. I'm her guardian but I sometimes feel she is protecting me."

Aquelev looked at her, his eyes wide. "That's much like what I was trying to say. Nooj protected me and now I am determined to take care of him as much as I can. He takes awful chances when he fights, had you noticed? Sometimes I think that is the only time he's happy: when he's fighting."

"He and Yuna know what they're supposed to do. That has a tendency to make a person satisfied. Now, I'm all confused about things and don't know what my duty is. I've been a guardian before and come to terms with the fact that the summoner I guarded would die, purposefully, at the end of the Pilgrimage. Now, I don't know. Yuna can live, if she chooses. Is it my duty to keep her alive- - whether she chooses life or not? This is all new to me."

"I don't know much about the details of being a guardian to a summoner but it seems to me you must try to help her live. I intend to try to keep Nooj alive even when he keeps dancing with death. I think if we love these people, we have to do what we can to protect them, even from themselves. I'm not a man of much faith, but I have known those who were and it seems to me that it can't be right to throw away this spark of divinity we're given to hold for a while. I won't believe in any deity who demands that." His voice was firm and positive. "I respect everybody's religion but I have to hold fast to what seems right to me."

They walked for a while in silence. Then Lulu murmured, "Thank you for saying that, Aquelev. You're a good man and I'm glad to call you friend. I'm going to think about what you've said and hope we can talk like this again."

-X-
It was late afternoon when the small army found a place along the Moonflow which looked fordable. The bed of the river was wide and shallow there with the flow of the water much reduced and a carpet of rough pebbles to provide secure footing.

Nooj ordered a tall Crusader from among the ranks to test the feasibility of the ford by wading across. He noted with approval that the water at its deepest rose only just above the knees of the soldier and posed no threat at all to even a total non-swimmer.

With an air of decision, Nooj turned toward Auron, who had stood silently by watching the procedure. "Sir Auron, I do not think we are likely to find a better place to cross. The only problem is that we may not have time enough to get the entire army to the other side and set up a secure camp before darkness. Would you prefer to camp on the bluffs just abve this spot and make the crossing early tomorrrow?"

Auron had carefully kept his hands off the command structure since their conversation the day before and had no intention of meddling now. He shook his head and replied, "I have no preference. Do what you feel is best for the troops."

"Then we will wait." There was no hesitation or doubt in the young leader's voice. He relayed his command to his seconds and sent them off to instruct their own underlings. He observed with some satisfaction the orderly spread of the information and the efficient way the mass of soldiers made their way to the higher ground and began setting up the bivouac for the night.

"Are you feeling better about the army?" The questioner was Squab,who had been the recipient of some of his commander's scathing comments earlier in the march.

"Yes, the amateurs seem to be toughening up -- finally. I thought we might have to leave some of them behind." He did not explain that much of his bad moods had been due to his uncertainty as to who really was the leader of the force.

Squab grinned knowingly. "It's amazing how fast recruits can shape up when they have a reason. Who would want to be left out here to fight off fiends by himself?"

Nooj raised a brow. "I should have thought of that back when I was training you and the others."

Squab's laugh, though genuine, was also slightly uneasy. "Good one, sir. Well, time to get everyone settled in for the night." He backed away, leaving the commander to his solitary observations.

When darkness had settled over the land and the campfires had been banked and the troops were seeking a well earned rest, Nooj made his way to the tent where he had asked Auron to meet him for a brief council.

As he reached out to push open the flap, Nooj could hear the low mutter of voices mixed with soft laughter from within. He wondered who was there, having expected this to be a session involving only himself and the guardian.

Kal was seated at the table with the other warrior-monk. They were sharing a pitcher of ale and talking about old times. Auron looked up as the night air swept in through the opening.

"Nooj. We were wondering when you would get here."

"I had to make sure the army was properly cared for and adequate sentries posted before I was free," he responded stiffly.

"Well, come in now and join us in a drink." The older man pushed out a chair with his foot.

"I thought this was a strategy session, not a party." The young officer stared at Kal.

"It is. I asked Kal to join us because he has some insight into how Kinoc's mind works and can offer information about the current oganization of the Maesters' schemes. I didn't think you would mind."

"Of course not, sir. Whatever you think best." Nooj sat down awkwardly and accepted a glass of ale. "The reason I asked for this meeting is to tell you what I have decided as a workable structure for the command. You will recall, you had left it to me?"

Auron nodded his assent.

Nooj continued. "I propose to form a council of my Crusader officers, the ranking ones such as Lucil and some others I have yet to decide on, you, sir, as the voice of the pilgrims and Kal to speak for the monks who have joined us." It was a measure of his newly found confidence that he did not falter at the name of Kal nor give any indication that the man's addition to the council was on the spur of the moment. "This council will deal with the ordinary decisions which affect the forces and will be the conduit through which broad orders are passed. The vital strategic problems will be dealt with somewhat differently." He exchanged a meaningful gaze with Auron.

"That sounds both sensible and well-conceived. I have no difficulty with that as a method of going on. Are you also in agreement, Kal?" Auron was privately delighted with the boy's acumen.

Kal set his glass down with a thump and looked at the young leader with greater appreciation. "Sounds like a fine plan to me -- tap the brains of the rest of us and still keep the confusion down. Good thinking, there."

Nooj stiffened at the condescending tone but chose not to make an issue at this time and in front of Auron. "Then I shall take this as settled. The troops will cross the ford just after sunrise, as soon as they have been fed, and we shall continue to circle around Guadosalam as already discussed. Are there any questions or other matters you wish to discuss at this time?"

He swept them with his eyes and ignored the amusement in the glance of the Guardian before leaving with painful dignity.

Auron waited until he was sure Nooj was out of hearing distance before archly asking his old friend, "Do you still think he's too young to lead an army?"

-X-
The army was settling after dinner and Paine found herself approaching the campfire where Yuna sat. She had been meaning to talk with Yuna about the sending of the fallen members of the Crimson Squad, but what with one thing and another the opportunity had never presented itself. But now the summoner seemed approachable, peacefully chatting with Tidus, so Paine took a deep breath and walked up to them.

"Hey." Tidus grinned at Paine as she settled in on the ground.

"Hi Paine." Yuna smiled in greeting as well. "How are you? I haven't seen you around much lately."

"Yeah. Nice work on the Ixion summoning. I think you really impressed the ranks. It even got to me a little."

"Thank you." Yuna gestured to the scrapings of stew that remained in the closest pot. "Have you eaten?"

"I have, thanks." Paine crossed her legs and leaned forward. "Ever since Mushroom Rock, I've wanted to ask you about the sending of the Crimson Squad. How did it go?"

The summoner's expression became more sober, slightly distant. "No problems," she said softly. "They have been sent and should be safely on the Farplane."

"Did you go inside the cave?"

Yuna shook her head. "There was no need. They had already pulled out the-- the Squad members were all outside, lined up in a row. As if someone wanted to count them, to make sure that no one had escaped. Besides, the cave was sealed, so we couldn't have gone in if we'd wanted to."

"Well, I sure didn't want to. That place was seriously creepy." Tidus shuddered. "Really weird. I felt, I dunno, like I was visiting my own grave or something."

Yuna glanced at her guardian with concern. "You never mentioned that before."

"Yeah, well, you had enough on your mind. Then later it didn't seem important." He cocked his head quizzically. "You didn't feel it?"

"No," Yuna replied. "But maybe I was just too distracted by the job I had gone there to do."

"So there was no indication of how they died?" Paine asked softly.

"Nope." Tidus shrugged. "I mean, it looked like most of them were killed by gunshots, but I don't think that's the question you're really asking."

"You want to know why." Paine nodded at Yuna, and the summoner sighed. "I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I'm sorry. I suppose we may never know."

Paine's response was a low, angry whisper. "Maybe not. But we do know who killed them. The Maesters. And I will never forget."

The other woman lowered her eyes. "No. Hard as it is to accept."

"It's not hard for me," Paine muttered.

Now Yuna looked at her in surprise. "It's not? But, if you were raised with the teachings--"

"I was," Paine admitted. "Yevonite parents -- my father was a warrior monk, just like my uncle -- and then the temple took me in when they died. But I saw so much hypocrisy there, it's always hard for me to take Yevon seriously."

"Where was that?" Lulu's soft husky voice floated into the group as she drifted up to them, then gracefully sat down on Tidus's other side.

Paine froze up, her face arranging itself into cold politeness. So far, she had avoided dealing with Lulu whenever possible. Beyond the fact that the attractive black mage seemed to flirt with Nooj at every opportunity, she carried herself with such poise and grace, even on the battlefield. Paine felt awkward and grubby in comparison, utterly unable to compete. "Kilika Temple," she managed to say, and then she snapped shut.

"I was raised in a temple, too, on Besaid," Yuna said, either oblivious to or willfully ignoring the change of mood that Lulu's arrival had caused. "But I guess it was different."

"Because you were the High Summoner's daughter?" Paine's tone was more peevish than she had intended it to be.

"Perhaps partly." Yuna sat up, taking as straight and proper a posture she could manage while sitting on the ground. "I always knew that I would follow my father's path and become a summoner myself. So I studied the teachings carefully and embraced them fully. But everything that I've learned in the last few days turns all that upside down." She tipped her head back and gazed at the stars, her focus very far from the fire and her companions.

The younger girl softened slightly. "It must be strange, having dedicated your whole life to one purpose and then changing it so suddenly." Yuna nodded, but did not otherwise respond.

"Yuna." Tidus looked at her, eyes bright. "You-- you are going to live, right? When all this is over, you'll be alive."

"I--" Yuna returned her chin to level and looked first at Paine, then Tidus, meeting and briefly holding his gaze. "I suppose that's true." Her tone was full of wonder, as if this fact had truly not occurred to her until now.

"Is it a strange thought?" Paine asked. Even as the words came from her mouth she was surprised that she had dared to ask the question.

Yuna tilted her head as she considered an answer. "You know, it is, in a way," she said slowly. "Everything I've ever done has been leading me to give my life for Spira. Even though I've chosen a different path, there's a part of me that doesn't truly believe it yet. The idea that a Calm could come, and I might be here to enjoy it-- it is odd to me."

"Your life, full of possibility, lies ahead of you," Lulu mused. "I must say, Yuna, that despite my other misgivings, I am truly glad of that."

"Yes." Yuna smiled at the black mage, then glanced shyly at Tidus. "The idea will take some getting used to, but I can say that I am happy to live."

Paine found herself smiling as well. Then she heard a noise behind her and, turning around and looking up, she saw Nooj standing behind her. He was a small distance from the fire, half-hidden in the shadows, but she could still see that he was watching the summoner, an odd look on his face. And she couldn't help but wonder how much of the conversation he'd heard, and what he had made of it.

-X-
Nooj had been inspecting the camp, making sure all was well for the night. He had noticed the three women and Tidus around the campfire and had no thought of joining them since he tended to be somewhat uncomfortable in the company of those who did not share his soldier's life. However his route took him near them and he caught the last few words of the on-going conversation.

"...but I can say that I am happy to live."

So the summoner was of a mind to accept the change in her fate, was she? It had not occurred to him that she, too, had been on a path which led to an encounter with Death. And now she was making her peace with survival? He thought it must be different when the death was deliberately sought and when it came as a part of a larger choice even though both sacrifices were made for the people as a whole. The summoner was a young woman, too, one who seemed to find much in life worth living. Tidus was looking at her in a special way, a way which brought to mind something ... or someone. Nooj hastily abandoned that line of thought and focused on Yuna. Had Auron talked to her about death and reassured her that the sacrifice would be easy and worth it? And had he now told her to resist the pull to die for the peace of the world? How did she find it so simple to abandon her heart's desire? It was difficult to understand how so ingrained an expectation could be cast aside like a boring toy. He tried to imagine what would so tempt him that he might be willing to completely forsake his own obsession for its sake.

Suddenly Nooj felt very old, as though he could never find anything in common with the four children around the fire. They were dreaming of a bright future and planning for the long lives which lay in store for them. He was girding himself for imminent death. How could he talk with them or even understand their overheard words? With a inward sigh of resignation, he turned and limped away to complete his rounds before he sought his bed. He did not see Paine's thoughtful gaze follow him.

-X-
That night she heard him cry out in his sleep and did not know if his pain was mental or physical. She reached out and stroked his face, soothing the place she had hit in her anger. Murmuring little musical coos meant to lull him into deeper sleep, she watched the heavy creases between his brows gradually relax and felt his breathing grow slower and less shallow under her palm. With one hand on his cheek and the other resting on his torso, she sensed that she held him balanced in her grip like a crystal containing her happiness. Overwhelmed by the sight of him, vulnerable and open to her - if only while asleep - she let her head sink down to the broad bare expanse of his chest so that she could hear the steady reassuring throb of his heart and mouthed silent words against his warm skin. "I love you. So much. Please live. Live."

It was a long time before sleep reclaimed her. And when it finally came, the dream came with it.

( Next chapter)