Chapter Thirteen
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Chapter ThirteenLulu had seen many incantations. The summoning and dispatch of an aeon was nothing new to her after serving as a guardian more than once. So she amused herself by observing those for whom this demonstration was intended. Yuna was playing a clever game, showing the masses gathered around her that the aeons were independent of Yevon and subject to the command of the summoner, not the Maesters. She could not have chosen a more convincing manner of proving her legitimacy as the challenger to Sin.
The faces of the on-lookers were a melange of emotions. For those whose faith in the Yevonite gospel had not wavered, this was more confirmation. For those who had chosen the path Auron had designated, this was justification. Lulu had always been intrigued by the way in which individuals seemed to find in the presence of the aeons support for whatever ideals they owed allegiance. Then her eye was caught by the sight of Nooj. He stood tall above the ordinary spectators and seemed somehow isolated from the crowd.
The mage had never seen an expression like the one which transformed the young warrior's face. She had seen awe, fear, guilt - many emotions reflected on a set of features when their owner first glimpsed an aeon, but nothing like this. Nooj was frozen in a moment of timelessness, his eyes wide, his lips slightly parted. Nothing about him moved, not his chest, not his eyelids. The very air around him appeared solid and congealed. His eyes held a glitter of sheer terror as though he had sighted his own death approaching with inexorable speed. She could tell, even at a distance, that he was unaware of those around him, of even Paine who moved to clasp his arm. Lulu watched with close interest as the man shuddered at the girl's touch and time resumed its natural flow. He blinked and apparently re-focused his gaze on the figure of Ixion, this time with a questioning air.
This must have been his first time in the presence of an aeon. Still, his reaction was a little extreme even for that. Lulu wondered what it all meant. She began to make her way through the crowd to draw nearer to him, hoping to learn more.
The shifting of the on-lookers as Yuna displayed the aeon in all its awe-inspiring splendor blocked the mage from her destination. With a moue of irritation, she abandoned her attempt, making a mental note to pursue the subject later when she could find her subject in a less public venue. If she judged him correctly, he would be more likely to talk openly where privacy was insured.
Lulu wondered to herself why she found this man so intriguing. Was it the fact he was a unique creature on the face of Spira - a blend of human and machina? Or was it the intelligence she saw in his face, behind that mask of silence? Warriors were not usually noted for their ability to think on matters other than the tactical. There was no denying the physical attraction she felt toward him. Still, in spite of her dreams, the images of both Paine and Chappu stood between her desires and their fulfillment. Ah, there was no use dwelling on all that now in the midst of this hullabaloo. She needed to do what she could to help Yuna convince the people to follow Auron and the rebels.
-X-
His back to the door, standing a little distance from the other guardians, Wakka stood still as stone, arms crossed, eyes focused not on Ixion, whom he had seen called before when he journeyed with Father Zuke, but on Yuna.
How had Yuna convinced the aeon to join her rebellion against Yevon? Wakka had been convinced that the fayth would refuse her, but more than that, he had also been secretly hoping for it. Then Yuna might have given up on this insanity and gone on with the pilgrimage as usual, and he wouldn't have had to face the increasingly-likely possibility that Yevon's detractors were right.
All his life, Wakka had been devoted to Yevon. Sure, he'd paid more attention to it at some times than others, but when Chappu had been killed while fighting Sin with machina, the truth had become clear: following Yevon was the only way. Chappu had broken with the teachings and died for it. If only he had fought with a sword instead of a gun, he would still be alive. Wakka believed this like he believed the sun would rise in the east each morning: as absolute, unquestionable fact.
But now, seeing Yuna smile proudly despite her exhaustion, the aeon by her side, he felt as if he were watching a sunrise light the western sky. The entire world had spun around on its axis. Could he regain his footing? He glanced at Lulu, her expression serene and betraying nothing of her thoughts. He'd talk to her later, he decided. Once things had settled down again. Maybe she could help him make some sense of it all. Yevon knew he wasn't going to be able to do that on his own.
-X-
When Yuna had dismissed the aeon and the improbable creature had returned to whatever place it inhabited, a collective sigh rose from the crowd and the world became oddly flat again. It was as though a lens through which another universe had become visible had been taken away. Auron nodded in satisfaction -- the summoning had created the desired effect, impressing the masses. Kal was quietly talking with his warrior monks, and Auron noted with pleasure that it seemed a few more were ready to join the army's ranks. Then he sought out Nooj and found him off to the side, standing next to Paine and being joined by those officers he seemed to have taken as his primary advisors: Lucil, Squab, and Beclem. He left them to their council and instead turned to Yuna.
"How are you feeling?" he asked her. "Do you wish to rest here tonight?"
She shook her head, her tired face glowing. "I can travel for a little while longer. As long as the terrain isn't too hard."
"Very well," Auron answered with a nod. "You have done well today, Yuna."
"Thank you, Sir Auron!" She bowed to him with a smile.
Assured of his summoner's well-being, Auron made his way over to the Crusader officers' confab. He stood behind Nooj's left side and lightly cleared his throat. The younger man turned around with a quick salute. "Sir?"
"What is the plan?"
"I have consulted with the others, and we agree that this is a poor place for a force of our size to camp." Nooj glanced to the sky, checking the sun's position. "Late as it is, sir, I think we should move on. My scouts tell me that there is a plain about two hours quick march from here that will make a better place to stop for the night. We should reach it not long after sundown if we make haste."
"Whatever you feel is best," said Auron. "Yuna has indicated that she can leave at any time, so I have no problem with heading out."
Nooj saluted. "In that case, I shall give the order. Sir." He turned back to the Crusader officers and continued speaking with them as Auron drifted back toward his summoner and her guardians.
Kal intercepted him on the way. "You sure about this?" he muttered. "Putting that kid in charge of an army?"
Auron glanced at Kal and replied, also keeping his voice low. "I had nothing to do with it. The Crusaders chose him themselves. Best that they pick their own leader, follow someone they know and trust. And I don't think they could have done better from within the ranks -- the boy has enormous potential."
"Well sure, that much is obvious. And the others certainly seem to respect him. Still, it's a pretty big risk you're taking. He can't be more than, what, twenty-two? Twenty-three?"
"Nineteen, actually." Auron smiled faintly at Kal's expression of disbelief. "I was surprised by that, too, when Paine told me."
"Huh." Kal shook his head, then looked at Auron again. "Well, I'll trust your judgment. But you can't really expect me to believe that you couldn't have taken command of the army if you'd wanted to. And I'm more than a little surprised that you don't. Want to, I mean. What happened to the ambitious officer I used to serve under, the one who used to talk about how much better it would be when he was running things?"
Auron held his friend's gaze in silence for a long time. When he finally spoke, his words was very quiet. "Many things," he said. "It is not something I can really explain. But I can assure you that my days as a military commander are over. I am a guardian now, and that is all I wish to be."
Kal nodded, and started to walk away.
"Wait." Auron stepped up to Kal's side and laid his right hand on the warrior monk's shoulder. The other turned back with a questioning look. "It is good to see you again." Auron smiled then, a real smile without a hint of cynicism or bitterness. "And I'm glad you have joined us."
Grinning, Kal slapped Auron on the back. "Like I'd turn down the chance to fight at your side again." The pair stood together a moment more, and then Kal stepped backwards. "Okay. Time to get my men together. See you on the road, or at the encampment?" Auron grunted affirmatively, and each man headed off to see to his small party of travelers.
-X-
The army had left Djose and was marching into the twilight in search of a suitable camping ground for the night. Paine kept pace alongside Nooj. They had walked some way in silence before he had brought up the subject of the apparition of Ixion in the square in front of the temple. She had not expected him to want to talk about something which so challenged his long-held doubts on the matter.
At first hesitant, he had warmed to the subject and had gone into great detail concerning what he thought about what had happened at the Summoning. Paine listened with what patience she could but as he grew increasingly involved in spinning various improbable fantasies to account for what had occurred, she finally had her fill and snorted. He paused and looked at her questioningly.
"So, you don't believe your own eyes? What do you think that was Yuna was petting back there?" Paine was incredulous at his stubbornness.
"An elemental. Like the ones Lulu and the other black mages use." He stumped along beside her, resolutely facing forward.
"Come on, Nooj. Have you ever seen a black mage with something like that?"
He took a long time answering. "Not just like that. I think that's the difference being a summoner makes. They can make the elemental take the form of what we call an aeon, but it's not really anything different from the power Lulu has. Just stronger."
Paine sighed with exasperation. "Have you ever been around when a summoner actually used an aeon in battle? Have you ever seen what one can do?" she demanded.
"I've heard the stories. People want to believe the summoners are their salvation so they are willing to see what they need to see." His tone was set and certain. Paine could tell there was no use arguing.
"OK. I won't try to convince you. Tell you what, we'll talk about this some more after you've seen Ixion take out some enemies." She took his quick nod as agreement and dropped the subject.
-X-
Djose was out of sight and the landscape was darkening with the promise of night. In the dryness of the atmosphere, the feet of those making up the rebel army stirred a layer of dust which obscured the legs of the marchers and gave the impression of a multi-bodied creature floating on the surface of a soiled cloud. Everyone was tired, both from marching and from the excited awe at the invocation of the aeon back at the temple, so for the most part they proceeded in silence. It was a ghostly spectacle, all in all, with only the occasional curse or laugh to confirm the reality of the vision.
Even the leaders in the van of the procession were nearing exhaustion. Auron, as usual, gave no indication of his state but the others of the pilgrimage troupe were beginning to flag and long for the arrival at the night's camping place. The Crusaders, accustomed as they were to long distance traveling on foot, had reverted to their practiced automatic movements, conserving as much energy as they could and putting one foot before another with unthinking precision. Their faces blank, they covered the ground in a sort of trance. Nooj, who was one of their kind, also moved like the automaton he so nearly was and offered a hand to Paine when she stumbled now and then.
It was well that the fiends which appeared from time to time were weak ones and easily disposed of. It is doubtful the army would have been capable of dealing with more powerful foes. Some in the ranks found themselves questioning the wisdom of leaving Djose and seeking a more distant camp, but most were simply trying to make it to the location in good order.
Twilight had passed and true darkness was beginning to settle across the landscape when the first of the two scouts Nooj had sent ahead came loping back to salute the Commander.
"We found that good camping place, sir. It's a wide meadow with some small groves and two springs of fresh water. There's a good sight line; we can see anything coming for several miles and there doesn't seem to be much in the way of fiends infesting the area. I left Selach there to make sure we don't march past it in the dark."
"Well done, soldier." Nooj returned the salute. "Stay near to me to direct me to the spot. But first, go get some water. You look thirsty."
"Thank you, sir." The man saluted and strutted proudly to the water carriers.
When the army came in sight of the promised place, Nooj had to agree a better camp ground would have been hard to find. The two moons of Spira had risen and shed enough light to enable the troops to set up their tents and arrange themselves in the most efficient manner. Only those who had never served in an army before found the rapid recreation of the small village which was a military camp surprising. To the Crusaders and the warrior-monks, this was a commonplace.
When the main structures had been erected, the Commander reported to him he still considered his commander. "Things are well under control, sir." Nooj stood before Auron and proffered the proper salute. "Are there any orders you wish issued?"
"No. This will do very well. You were right to suggest we leave Djose. Now we are properly positioned to make good progress in the morning. We must not dawdle on the road." With an inward sigh, Auron wished he could dissuade his young colleague from continuing to defer to him on every matter concerning the army. He made a mental resolution to work on that.
-X-
Lulu remembered Chappu. She still mourned him and sometimes in the night felt his spectral presence by her side. But in spite of her grief, she was not dead herself and still had longings in her.
She mentally surveyed her options. There was always the choice of the monastery. If she survived Yuna's pilgrimage, she could become a nun. They were not as common in Spira as monks but there were a few cloistered communities. Of course, if Yevon was cast down, all the religious foundations might fall as well. She gave a sigh. There was no longer even the temporary stability of a Calm to look forward to. If her treasure of love could not be laid as an offering in one of the temples, she would have to find another repository. Someday she was certain she would find another who called to her as passionately and as deeply as Chappu. That time was not yet. Would her dead love want her to remain physically faithful to him when her body ached for release?
Chappu had never been selfish. He had been a man of unique understanding and care, always attentive to her needs. So long as she held him in her heart as her one true love, she did not think he would scorn her for seeking a purely transitory pleasure elsewhere. Or was she arguing to convince herself? She felt the blood mount to her cheeks and flame there until she was certain all the other members of the party must notice and know what she was thinking. She hastily bowed her head to shield her face. She was fairly sure she was finding her way to the answers she wanted, not those which were absolutely true.
She looked across the campfire to where Nooj was leaning against a boulder a little distance from the leaping flames. The light flashed off his left leg and cast concealing shadows over his brooding face. Lulu wondered what he was thinking. His head was tilted toward the ground and his arms crossed over his chest; he had not spoken for some time.
There was much about him to make her wonder. What would it be like to be touched by that left hand - the one with the smooth black glove over it? She closed her eyes and fantasized the sensations. It would be cool; she was sure of that, cool against her heated skin. How much motion did the fingers have? She had not noticed. Could he ... She blushed. Could he be gentle or would it be like a tool held rigidly with no flexibility. No, that was not likely. He could grip the cane so there must be some degree of mobility. Her imagination created the feeling of pressure on her thigh, on her breast, on her ...
With a start, Lulu forced herself back to reality. Nooj was Paine's lover. Well, at least that answered one question. He must be capable of the act if he and Paine -- how would Auron's niece respond to Nooj lying with another woman? Lulu stifled a slightly hysterical laugh. Maybe she should have a talk with Paine and ask to borrow the tall man for a day, er- night or so.
On the other hand, Nooj had certainly been interested in her finer points back when she had fixed his spectacles, and as she'd examined his prosthetics. He could still blush! She was seized with a sudden urge to embrace him and feel his head rest against her breast. Chappu would understand, she was sure of that. But would Paine?
Her thoughts remained unquiet until long after the party had gone to bed for the night.
-X-
Paine was awake. A moment ago she had been sleeping by Nooj's side in the secluded spot they'd found a short distance from the main encampment, dreaming of the duel on the Calm Lands, but now she sat up abruptly, fully aware, pulse racing.
A woman, killed on the Calm Lands by a bolt of lightning. Or by a thunder spell. Paine was dreaming of Kaith, Nooj's lost lover. And had been for weeks, since before he'd so much as mentioned her.
"Impossible," she murmured aloud. Yet somehow there was no doubt in her mind. She looked down at Nooj, studying his face, softened by sleep but pale and shadowed in the moonlight, and found no answers there.
And the second woman? Who did that make her?
Shivering with something far darker than the chill of night, Paine lay down, curled herself into Nooj's solid, warm body, and, eventually, went back to sleep.
-X-
"Hello, can I talk to you for a moment?"
Paine started -- she had been walking alone, and she hadn't heard anyone approach, so the voice speaking in her ear came as a surprise. She turned to see Aquelev, who had just pulled up beside her. It was the next morning, and she had fallen behind the leaders, leaving Nooj to his incessant grumbling about the lack of marching discipline among some of the Crusader forces. Solitude had been preferable to his ill-temper. But she was curious about her lover's old companion, and so she nodded in welcome as they fell into step.
"Sure," she said. "I don't think we've ever been introduced. I'm Paine."
"Aquelev," he said, inclining his head in polite greeting. "I'm a healer who used to--"
"Work with Nooj, I know," Paine interrupted. "When he was recovering from his injuries. Baralai told me."
"Baralai? Oh, right, the deserter." Aquelev shook his head. "Too bad about that; an army needs all the healers it can get. But I suppose Yevon sinks its claws pretty deep into some believers."
Paine bit her tongue and looked away, checking the impulse to defend her friend. A few deep breaths later, she turned back to the Al Bhed. "So. What did you want to talk about?"
"The battle with the Sinspawn," said Aquelev. "Afterwards, I saw you give Nooj some medication. What was it for?"
Paine considered the question, and the man asking it. A bit tall for an Al Bhed, with the blond hair and green eyes that marked him as one of his people, slightly stocky, an intelligent and honest face. With anyone else she would have dodged the question, but Aquelev had a history with Nooj, and from the few interactions she had witnessed, Nooj seemed to trust him. So she took a chance with honesty.
"It's a painkiller," she replied. "I think he's probably in some pain most of the time, but it gets especially bad after he exerts himself. So I save the medication for when he really needs it." A thought occurred to her then. "You wouldn't happen to know how to make it, would you?"
Aquelev shook his head. "I usually controlled his pain with magic in the hospital. The only drugs I can make that would be strong enough to have any real effect would also knock him out cold. Where did you get the pills you have?" He smiled. "Professional curiosity, you know."
"Baralai made them," Paine answered. Although she tried, she couldn't keep a smug note from creeping into her voice. Aquelev looked impressed. "He gave me a good supply a few days back, so I'm not too worried about running out yet, but I'd rather not have to ration them too carefully, you know?"
"Of course." Aquelev sighed. "Well, if your Baralai could come up with such an incredible medication, then his loss is a serious blow. But what really amazes me is that you get Nooj to take the drugs at all. No matter how obviously he was hurting, he always fought my attempts to help him."
Paine laughed faintly. "That sounds like Nooj. It can be a struggle. The first time, I really thought he was going to refuse them. But I didn't tell him what they were for, and in the end curiosity won out over pride."
"How did you discover that he needed them? I can't imagine that he told you." The healer grinned, and Paine returned the smile.
"Most definitely not," she said. "Baralai and I each figured it out on our own, by observation. In the desert, he-- there was an incident, and we all started watching him much more closely afterward. You can see it if you pay attention, particularly in the slow and careful way he moves sometimes."
Aquelev paused in his walking and looked sharply at Paine. "An incident? Tell me."
Paine did not stop moving, hands clenching involuntarily into fists, and the healer had to step a little faster to catch up with her. For a time, she just walked, her head buzzing with bad memories, as she thought about how much she should say. Several moments passed before she felt ready to speak.
"So it was in the desert, like I said, during the Crimson Squad training, and we stumbled into this nest of fiends. The guys, they were fighting, but they got overwhelmed and they ran out of ammo. The others pulled out hand to hand weapons, but Nooj, he-- he didn't. He-- his gun, it fell from his hand, and he started to-- he stopped fighting, and-- and he--" The image of her lover walking into the mouth of a sand-bear, unarmed, ready to die, swam before her, every bit as vivid and terrible as it had been at the moment it happened, and then she needed to stop talking, drawing a hand over her eyes to clear the memory from her sight.
Strong fingers closed around her other wrist, halting her, and she dropped her hand to see Aquelev's eyes full of compassionate understanding. "He attempted to die," he said softly. Paine nodded, and the Al Bhed shook his head with a sorrowful sigh as he let her go. "So he still hunts his death then."
Paine started. "You-- you know? You know that Nooj is-- that he--"
He nodded solemnly. "That he is a Deathseeker. Yes."
The word, so rarely spoken out loud by anyone, floated between them and into the air, the truth that Paine spent so much energy trying to avoid made solid and real. She took a deep breath, then let it out with a shudder. When she began to speak again, her voice was stronger, more sure. "He saw his chance and tried to take it. There was a sand-bear. He dropped his weapon and headed straight for it."
"How did he survive?" Aquelev asked.
She looked at the ground. "I pulled out my gun and shot the fiend before he could get within range." When she looked back up, he was still watching her, a tiny wry grin on his face. "What is it?"
"Just thinking that we have something in common," he answered. "We've both saved Nooj's life when he'd rather we hadn't." She raised an eyebrow. "When he was maimed by Sin," he explained. "I found him, you see. And got him to the hospital, and gave the surgeons permission to take the steps necessary to keep him alive. So he has me to thank for his current existence. Or to blame, depending on your point of view. I had hoped that his feelings on this subject might have moderated over time, but I suppose that was too much to ask for."
"Yeah. Not that it should be," Paine muttered. On Aquelev's look of surprise, she continued, weeks of pent up fear and anger tumbling out. "I don't understand, I really don't. Yes, fate dealt him a hard blow. I realize that. He lost a great deal along with his arm and leg -- his swordsmanship, his place in the Crusaders, his independence. But it's not like he's the only person ever to suffer because of Sin! Is there anyone on Spira who hasn't lost something important? And yet the rest of us carry on living. Why shouldn't he? There's so much he does have. He can still fight, he can still lead, he can still inspire. Fayth, the man is a living legend! And not just because of who he was then, but because of who he is now. He has an army at his command, and the respect of summoners and guardians, and my--" And then she stopped, the stream of words halting as suddenly as it began. If she couldn't admit her love to Nooj himself, she certainly wasn't about to share those feelings with a near-stranger.
Aquelev laid a hand on her arm. "I don't understand it either," he admitted. "I never have. But it's a part of who he is, and those of us who care about him have to accept that."
Paine sighed. "I know. And I'm trying. But I'll tell you one thing." She leveled her gaze at the Al Bhed healer. "If he tries to end his life in front of me again, I'll stop him again. And again, and again. As many times as it takes. Whether he likes it or not."
With a bark of laughter, Aquelev squeezed her arm, then dropped his hand. "A sentiment I share."
"We'll both keep watch, then," said Paine, managing a small smile.
"Consider it a deal." And the pair began to walk once again, their conversation turning to less weighty matters.
( Next chapter)