For antheia
Secretary of Defense Promotes Color Coding System
The Secretary of Defense Lewis Black held a press conference today to discuss the changes he's implementing to Homeland Security. The former Daily Show pundit and long-time friend of White House speech writer Stephen Colbert was in fine form as he discussed the past administrations and explained how he planned to defend the country.
"When I was little," Black said, "[the government] would come to my elementary school with films to show me how to protect myself from a nuclear-fuck-holocaust. They would show this giant nuclear-fucking-bomb just blowing the shit out of everything. Goats and monkeys flying everywhere. The windows of the elementary school blown out, the teacher banged up against the fucking blackboard. But there were the children... hiding safely under their desks.
"We're uh, we're not going to have that any more, because well, that's just a shitty system, and the therapy bills are killing the national surplus. Which is almost understandable, because, if you think about it, they had us hiding under kindling. But that was okay, because you know, we were safe. So then, after the attack, we could all go out to the playground and MELT! So -- no more of that.
"I know it's not good politics to talk about your predecessor, but well, Tom Ridge had the leadership qualites of a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with what is known as the color coded system of security. You know, orange, and yellow, and what ever the fuck the others are. And what's stupid about it is they have the color coding. LIKE WE'RE IN FUCKIN' ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! There's no need for that. Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fuckin' explain it, so get rid of the fuckin' color! Simplify it.
From now on there will be three levels of security: 'Jesus Christ.' 'God damn it!' 'FUCK ME!!"
After the press conference, Black took no questions, but was given a standing ovation by the White House Press Corps.
In other White House news, in what will come as a shock to no one, the Secretary of State Oprah Winfrey is denying allegations that she plans to run either for the presidency or for the vice presidency, most likely under Vice President Obama's ticket.
Readers will remember when President Clooney first denied allegations that *he* was planning to run for the presidency, and we all know how that turned out.
*All Lewis Black quotes taken from the absolutely stupendous Black on Broadway. I cannot recommend this DVD highly enough. Your life will be better for it. Hell, one year I just gave them away randomly like candy.