Entourage/RPF Parody - George Clooney's Diary
I have a paper cut. I have to see the GP. However, I also have Bob Marley singing One Love and the latest edition of Men's Vogue (for the menswear, people). Also, I see that there's some sort of conspiracy to get me to write Oscar fic, but I'm just not that connected today. Here, have this.
Entourage/RPF Parody
George. Ari. Jake. Other people.
GEORGE CLOONEY'S DIARY
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Weight: 170 svelte pounds after suffering, OMG, so much trauma shooting Syriana. Still suffering pain from neck injury, thankfully, no spinal fluid coming out nose today. Plus, am still hottest man ever. That helps.
Cigarettes: Am already smoking hot, so, not necessary.
Units of alcohol consumed: Am drunker than W.C. Fields, only without broken capillaries in nose. Plus, can still charm pants off of anyone because am George Clooney. Rock.
7:00am - Am woken up by text message from Ari. Today is Oscar day, have not forgotten, am not stupid, like, say Bradley. Would be excited, but since never win awards anyway, not bothered. At all.
7:02am - Am woken by other text message from Ari. Really, not bothered.
7:04am - Phone call from Ari. Let answerphone get it.
7:06am - Am still in bed, if very important Ari will send smoke signal or Lloyd.
7:12am - Blackberry from Matt. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Beard wants pickles and ice cream; Matt wants beer. Is 10am in Miami. Perfectly fine time for pickles and beer. Is Matt's own fault for knocking up beard in first place. Remind him of this.
7:30am - Blackberry from Brad. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Copy him on text sent to Matt.
7:41am - Doorbell.
7:45am -- Lloyd has pre-Oscar basket with booze, turkey bacon, jam and croissants. Either death, dismemberment, or another beard is knocked up. Not sure who is left to have knocked someone up. Ari must be in trouble with Mrs Ari.
Invite Lloyd in. Max loves Lloyd.
7:50-9:00am - Breakfast. Coffee. CNN. Anderson. Yum.
9:10am - Ari calls, again. Is panicked because eldest daughter, Sarah, is sick, and Mrs Ari has forbidden him from attending Oscars. Ari says she's not dying and Mrs Ari being unreasonable. Remind Ari am Sarah's godfather. He says then I should stay with her, and he'll go be George Clooney instead.
Ha fucking ha.
9:15am - Hang-up on Ari.
9:30am - Lloyd takes Max for walk.
9:40-10:30am - Shower. Check status of hair. Still grey. Still all present and accounted for. Still the hottest man in the land.
10:30am - Lloyd brings back Max. Wishes luck. Complains of pain in jaw. Hope used dental dams if really did blow ½ of Academy for my not-ever-going-to-happen-but-I'm-not-bitter Oscar.
10:30-11:00am - Field phone calls from Grant, Brad, Richard and Oprah. Oprah having man troubles again, have told her to be firm. If Steadman doesn't like it, he can find another cash cow.
11:20pm -Ari calls. Again. Is v bitter about Mrs Ari smackdown. Tell him to ask if he can come to after-parties as Oscars are boring anyway and will only be squirming and bitching entire night anyway.
11:50 - Ari calls back. Has procured suitable substitute escort - Bryan Lourd of CAA, who Ari refers to as 'Lex Luthor wannabe.' Has apparently been warned that if he tries to poach me, Ari will cut him with a grapefruit spoon. Love Ari.
12:15pm - Have drink
12:25pm - Have another drink.
12:35pm - Have another drink.
1:00pm -- Get dressed. What to wear? Black tuxedo jacket, black tuxedo jacket, or black tuxedo jacket. Settle on black tuxedo jacket
2:30pm - Limo arrives with date. Lots of champagne in it. Ari did good.
2:45pm - Bryan's head v shiny like Lex Luthor or Bruce Willis. Ari was right.
3:30-4:30pm -- RED CARPET TIME.
Kill press and fans with charisma and schmooze power. Tell aging corpse Rivers plan to get very drunk. Lied. Am already wasted. *Hiccup*.
5:00pm - OSCAR TIME
5:06pm -- Aw, Jon Stewart has a crush on me. Is v cute. At least could talk politics with Jon in bed. Might have issue with jealous!Ari, but Ari hates everyone except Matt anyway.
5:09pm -- Jon has big crush. Wow, thought Jon was married. Perhaps only beard. Hmm, will have to ask around.
5:15pm -- Cat Keener says Ari is Blackberrying her during ceremony. Clearly suffering from separation anxiety. Will call later.
5:20pm - I WON! I WON! I WON!
5:31pm - Commercial break. Cat Keener hands over Blackberry. Apparently Ari spammed her so much that Blackberry broke. Whoops.
6:00pm -- Bored now.
7:00ish -- A pimp is just an agent with a better hat. Heh. Clearly Jon has met Ari. Jon very entertaining when he's flirting with me. Did he just wink at me? Another one bites the Clooney dust.
7:30pm - Three 6 Mafia win Oscar and thank me. Yes, clearly this is my night. Perhaps should rename the Oscars "The Clooneys."
7:40pm - 8:30 - Blah blah blah Crash blah blah blah.
8:42 pm -- Post-Oscars ass-kissing fest. Ang. Phil. Hmm. Jake Gyllenhaal looking promising. Is very much in my personal space.
Jon who?
9:00-9:30pm - Photos. More photos. Am going blind. Will perhaps call Oscar Floyd. Is v shiny. Wow.
10:00pm - Swing by Ari's. Am attacked in driveway by crazy person that used to be my agent. Clearly Ari very happy about Floyd. Let Ari touch Floyd once. Twice. Take away when he starts to drool on Floyd.
Clearly Floyd very powerful.
10:30-11:15pm -- Party at Dan Tana's. Have to get rid of Krista before can hook up with Jake. Porn stars so tiresome. Hypnotise with power of The Floyd and put in taxi. Everyone else v amused.
11:00-3:00am - Party at Bryan's. Jake there. Hypnotise Jake with power of Floyd and charm. Promise role in next film as soon as Jake completes casting couch session.
Ari not amused, but never promised to use powers of Floyd for good.
Tomorrow will think about running for office. Maybe Oprah wants to team up.
--end--
Thank you to slodwick boji and resmin for their assistance with this task ;)
Entourage/RPF Parody
George. Ari. Jake. Other people.
GEORGE CLOONEY'S DIARY
Sunday, March 5, 2006
Weight: 170 svelte pounds after suffering, OMG, so much trauma shooting Syriana. Still suffering pain from neck injury, thankfully, no spinal fluid coming out nose today. Plus, am still hottest man ever. That helps.
Cigarettes: Am already smoking hot, so, not necessary.
Units of alcohol consumed: Am drunker than W.C. Fields, only without broken capillaries in nose. Plus, can still charm pants off of anyone because am George Clooney. Rock.
7:00am - Am woken up by text message from Ari. Today is Oscar day, have not forgotten, am not stupid, like, say Bradley. Would be excited, but since never win awards anyway, not bothered. At all.
7:02am - Am woken by other text message from Ari. Really, not bothered.
7:04am - Phone call from Ari. Let answerphone get it.
7:06am - Am still in bed, if very important Ari will send smoke signal or Lloyd.
7:12am - Blackberry from Matt. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Beard wants pickles and ice cream; Matt wants beer. Is 10am in Miami. Perfectly fine time for pickles and beer. Is Matt's own fault for knocking up beard in first place. Remind him of this.
7:30am - Blackberry from Brad. Having issues with pregnant beard's food cravings. Copy him on text sent to Matt.
7:41am - Doorbell.
7:45am -- Lloyd has pre-Oscar basket with booze, turkey bacon, jam and croissants. Either death, dismemberment, or another beard is knocked up. Not sure who is left to have knocked someone up. Ari must be in trouble with Mrs Ari.
Invite Lloyd in. Max loves Lloyd.
7:50-9:00am - Breakfast. Coffee. CNN. Anderson. Yum.
9:10am - Ari calls, again. Is panicked because eldest daughter, Sarah, is sick, and Mrs Ari has forbidden him from attending Oscars. Ari says she's not dying and Mrs Ari being unreasonable. Remind Ari am Sarah's godfather. He says then I should stay with her, and he'll go be George Clooney instead.
Ha fucking ha.
9:15am - Hang-up on Ari.
9:30am - Lloyd takes Max for walk.
9:40-10:30am - Shower. Check status of hair. Still grey. Still all present and accounted for. Still the hottest man in the land.
10:30am - Lloyd brings back Max. Wishes luck. Complains of pain in jaw. Hope used dental dams if really did blow ½ of Academy for my not-ever-going-to-happen-but-I'm-not-bitter Oscar.
10:30-11:00am - Field phone calls from Grant, Brad, Richard and Oprah. Oprah having man troubles again, have told her to be firm. If Steadman doesn't like it, he can find another cash cow.
11:20pm -Ari calls. Again. Is v bitter about Mrs Ari smackdown. Tell him to ask if he can come to after-parties as Oscars are boring anyway and will only be squirming and bitching entire night anyway.
11:50 - Ari calls back. Has procured suitable substitute escort - Bryan Lourd of CAA, who Ari refers to as 'Lex Luthor wannabe.' Has apparently been warned that if he tries to poach me, Ari will cut him with a grapefruit spoon. Love Ari.
12:15pm - Have drink
12:25pm - Have another drink.
12:35pm - Have another drink.
1:00pm -- Get dressed. What to wear? Black tuxedo jacket, black tuxedo jacket, or black tuxedo jacket. Settle on black tuxedo jacket
2:30pm - Limo arrives with date. Lots of champagne in it. Ari did good.
2:45pm - Bryan's head v shiny like Lex Luthor or Bruce Willis. Ari was right.
3:30-4:30pm -- RED CARPET TIME.
Kill press and fans with charisma and schmooze power. Tell aging corpse Rivers plan to get very drunk. Lied. Am already wasted. *Hiccup*.
5:00pm - OSCAR TIME
5:06pm -- Aw, Jon Stewart has a crush on me. Is v cute. At least could talk politics with Jon in bed. Might have issue with jealous!Ari, but Ari hates everyone except Matt anyway.
5:09pm -- Jon has big crush. Wow, thought Jon was married. Perhaps only beard. Hmm, will have to ask around.
5:15pm -- Cat Keener says Ari is Blackberrying her during ceremony. Clearly suffering from separation anxiety. Will call later.
5:20pm - I WON! I WON! I WON!
5:31pm - Commercial break. Cat Keener hands over Blackberry. Apparently Ari spammed her so much that Blackberry broke. Whoops.
6:00pm -- Bored now.
7:00ish -- A pimp is just an agent with a better hat. Heh. Clearly Jon has met Ari. Jon very entertaining when he's flirting with me. Did he just wink at me? Another one bites the Clooney dust.
7:30pm - Three 6 Mafia win Oscar and thank me. Yes, clearly this is my night. Perhaps should rename the Oscars "The Clooneys."
7:40pm - 8:30 - Blah blah blah Crash blah blah blah.
8:42 pm -- Post-Oscars ass-kissing fest. Ang. Phil. Hmm. Jake Gyllenhaal looking promising. Is very much in my personal space.
Jon who?
9:00-9:30pm - Photos. More photos. Am going blind. Will perhaps call Oscar Floyd. Is v shiny. Wow.
10:00pm - Swing by Ari's. Am attacked in driveway by crazy person that used to be my agent. Clearly Ari very happy about Floyd. Let Ari touch Floyd once. Twice. Take away when he starts to drool on Floyd.
Clearly Floyd very powerful.
10:30-11:15pm -- Party at Dan Tana's. Have to get rid of Krista before can hook up with Jake. Porn stars so tiresome. Hypnotise with power of The Floyd and put in taxi. Everyone else v amused.
11:00-3:00am - Party at Bryan's. Jake there. Hypnotise Jake with power of Floyd and charm. Promise role in next film as soon as Jake completes casting couch session.
Ari not amused, but never promised to use powers of Floyd for good.
Tomorrow will think about running for office. Maybe Oprah wants to team up.
--end--
Thank you to slodwick boji and resmin for their assistance with this task ;)