This is just...madness.
I filled a hilarious kinkmeme prompt out of a need to take a break and write some crack. 900 words of ridiculousness later, I don't even know if I should post this to the comms angelgazing used her damned "I wrote the Inception team as Care Bears" argument and made me cross-post this. I just. I do not even. Wut.
Title: Shit Arthur Says
Rating: PG (possibly PG-13 for language)
Pairing: Arthur/Eames
Summary: Written for this prompt: Eames has a secret twitter called, "Shit Arthur Says." Well, secret to Arthur, that is.
Shit Arthur Says
shitarthursays: @cornonthecobb @penrosetweets @yusaidit @seemedneater Sorry to disappoint, lovelies, but I'm done. Account has served its purpose. Ta!
19 minutes ago via Tweetie
--
Yesterday, via actual verbal communication
"I found the Twitter account, Eames," Arthur says. "Any last words before I murder you?"
Eames considers this. "You could try making your threat a little more specific," he says at length. "I find I always get the most re-tweets that way."
Arthur makes a face that is clearly supposed to be a furious grimace, but it falls rather short. "What the hell do I have to do to make you stop?"
Eames raises his eyebrows. "I think you know the answer to that, pet."
Arthur swallows.
--
Profile for user @shitarthursays: I'm a forger. I work with an over-dressed bastard named Arthur. He refuses to admit his attraction to me, more's the pity. I just write down shit that he says.
--
shitarthursays: "If you don't remove that shirt immediately the clashing colors are actually going to make me sick. Oh my god, Eames, don't make that face, I didn't mean it like that."
One month ago via web
shitarthursays: "SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE DISEMBOWELED WITH A RUSTY SPOON FOR THIS"
29 days ago via web
shitarthursays: "Asshole. Stop looking at me like that before I gouge your eyes out--don't tweet that, Eames!"
Yesterday via Tweetie
--
Four months ago, via Ariadne
Her laughter wakes Eames up.
"What," he says irritably, stretching out from his abandoned lawn-chair nap, "is so bloody funny?"
Ariadne giggles. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"There's this--" she waves a hand and favors Eames with a considering look. "Are you on Twitter?"
"Of course," Eames lies. The truth is he can't imagine why anyone would want to broadcast their every thought 24/7, and furthermore finds the whole concept asinine and inscrutable, but Ariadne doesn't need to know that.
She gives him a look that suggests that she does, in fact, know that. "You've never mentioned it before."
"Maybe I don't want you reading my twits," Eames says.
"Tweets," Ariadne corrects, rolling her eyes.
"That too," Eames agrees amiably enough. "That's what's making you laugh, then? Twitter?"
"Oh, there's this--it's called Shit My Dad Says," she tells him, pushing a couple of buttons on her phone and handing it over. "It's this guy who lives with his crazy father, and he just posts all the ridiculous stuff he says. Some of it is pretty hilarious."
Eames scrolls through the page. Some of the posts are fairly idiotic, but others ("Can we talk later? The news is on… Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus.") remind him of someone. Just as he's examining that thought, Arthur bursts into the room, bristling like a wet cat.
"Someone better have made coffee," he growls, "because it's a thin line keeping me from murdering every Starbucks barista in the state."
Eames smiles beatifically. "Ariadne," he says, "I have the most fabulous idea."
--
shitarthursays: "Eames, I swear to god, the word is bespoke, not besmoked. What the hell would 'besmoked suit' even mean?"
Four months ago via web
shitarthursays: "If one more projection calls me a twink I will not be responsible for my fucking actions. JESUS."
Four months ago via web
shitarthursays: "What? 'I will remove your left foot and beat you with it if I have to' seemed more creative then 'Careful, I'll shoot.'"
Four months ago via web
shitarthursays "Shouldn't have taken that tequila shot. D'you know your face is like--crooked?"
Two months ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Don't pout, Eames, I didn't--Jesus, I'm drunk--I didn't mean it to be all, you know, nasty. It's nice, kind of."
Two months ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Not like that tie. The tie should go. Your face can stay, I guess."
Two months ago via Tweetie
--
Two hours ago, via telephone
"Eames. Eames, I'm reading the backlog. Did I really say all this stuff to you?"
"Are you drunk?"
"No. I mean, a little. I mean--this is. Damning, Eames."
"Sorry, darling. Perhaps you should try threatening people less, if that's really a concern."
"Not that part. The…the other ones."
"Ah. Yes, well."
"…Do you think you could maybe. I mean. I'm in, uh, room 321 and I just--"
"Don't go anywhere, love, I'll be there in five."
--
shitarthursays: "Cobb, I'm not signing on for the next job unless Eames does--because we can't do it without him! No, not because…oh, forget it."
Two months ago via web
shitarthursays: "jesus your nerver allowed to get shot again have some more vdka put your phone down so Ican suture this damn it"
One month ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Of course I'm not here. This is a hospital room. What would I be doing in your hospital room? You're dreaming."
28 days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "I suppose I'll admit that I'm glad you didn't die, Eames."
27 days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "I don't even think you're awake, but fucking hell, I think that I might--oh fuck are you typing right now??"
23 days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "I just thought I'd drop by and say hello. Since you're out of the hospital and all. I don't mean anything by it."
Three days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Yes, Eames, if you announce that you're quitting the Twitter thing I will kiss you. Type faster."
20 minutes ago via Tweetie
Title: Shit Arthur Says
Rating: PG (possibly PG-13 for language)
Pairing: Arthur/Eames
Summary: Written for this prompt: Eames has a secret twitter called, "Shit Arthur Says." Well, secret to Arthur, that is.
Shit Arthur Says
shitarthursays: @cornonthecobb @penrosetweets @yusaidit @seemedneater Sorry to disappoint, lovelies, but I'm done. Account has served its purpose. Ta!
19 minutes ago via Tweetie
--
Yesterday, via actual verbal communication
"I found the Twitter account, Eames," Arthur says. "Any last words before I murder you?"
Eames considers this. "You could try making your threat a little more specific," he says at length. "I find I always get the most re-tweets that way."
Arthur makes a face that is clearly supposed to be a furious grimace, but it falls rather short. "What the hell do I have to do to make you stop?"
Eames raises his eyebrows. "I think you know the answer to that, pet."
Arthur swallows.
--
Profile for user @shitarthursays: I'm a forger. I work with an over-dressed bastard named Arthur. He refuses to admit his attraction to me, more's the pity. I just write down shit that he says.
--
shitarthursays: "If you don't remove that shirt immediately the clashing colors are actually going to make me sick. Oh my god, Eames, don't make that face, I didn't mean it like that."
One month ago via web
shitarthursays: "SOMEONE IS GOING TO BE DISEMBOWELED WITH A RUSTY SPOON FOR THIS"
29 days ago via web
shitarthursays: "Asshole. Stop looking at me like that before I gouge your eyes out--don't tweet that, Eames!"
Yesterday via Tweetie
--
Four months ago, via Ariadne
Her laughter wakes Eames up.
"What," he says irritably, stretching out from his abandoned lawn-chair nap, "is so bloody funny?"
Ariadne giggles. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"There's this--" she waves a hand and favors Eames with a considering look. "Are you on Twitter?"
"Of course," Eames lies. The truth is he can't imagine why anyone would want to broadcast their every thought 24/7, and furthermore finds the whole concept asinine and inscrutable, but Ariadne doesn't need to know that.
She gives him a look that suggests that she does, in fact, know that. "You've never mentioned it before."
"Maybe I don't want you reading my twits," Eames says.
"Tweets," Ariadne corrects, rolling her eyes.
"That too," Eames agrees amiably enough. "That's what's making you laugh, then? Twitter?"
"Oh, there's this--it's called Shit My Dad Says," she tells him, pushing a couple of buttons on her phone and handing it over. "It's this guy who lives with his crazy father, and he just posts all the ridiculous stuff he says. Some of it is pretty hilarious."
Eames scrolls through the page. Some of the posts are fairly idiotic, but others ("Can we talk later? The news is on… Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus.") remind him of someone. Just as he's examining that thought, Arthur bursts into the room, bristling like a wet cat.
"Someone better have made coffee," he growls, "because it's a thin line keeping me from murdering every Starbucks barista in the state."
Eames smiles beatifically. "Ariadne," he says, "I have the most fabulous idea."
--
shitarthursays: "Eames, I swear to god, the word is bespoke, not besmoked. What the hell would 'besmoked suit' even mean?"
Four months ago via web
shitarthursays: "If one more projection calls me a twink I will not be responsible for my fucking actions. JESUS."
Four months ago via web
shitarthursays: "What? 'I will remove your left foot and beat you with it if I have to' seemed more creative then 'Careful, I'll shoot.'"
Four months ago via web
shitarthursays "Shouldn't have taken that tequila shot. D'you know your face is like--crooked?"
Two months ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Don't pout, Eames, I didn't--Jesus, I'm drunk--I didn't mean it to be all, you know, nasty. It's nice, kind of."
Two months ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Not like that tie. The tie should go. Your face can stay, I guess."
Two months ago via Tweetie
--
Two hours ago, via telephone
"Eames. Eames, I'm reading the backlog. Did I really say all this stuff to you?"
"Are you drunk?"
"No. I mean, a little. I mean--this is. Damning, Eames."
"Sorry, darling. Perhaps you should try threatening people less, if that's really a concern."
"Not that part. The…the other ones."
"Ah. Yes, well."
"…Do you think you could maybe. I mean. I'm in, uh, room 321 and I just--"
"Don't go anywhere, love, I'll be there in five."
--
shitarthursays: "Cobb, I'm not signing on for the next job unless Eames does--because we can't do it without him! No, not because…oh, forget it."
Two months ago via web
shitarthursays: "jesus your nerver allowed to get shot again have some more vdka put your phone down so Ican suture this damn it"
One month ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Of course I'm not here. This is a hospital room. What would I be doing in your hospital room? You're dreaming."
28 days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "I suppose I'll admit that I'm glad you didn't die, Eames."
27 days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "I don't even think you're awake, but fucking hell, I think that I might--oh fuck are you typing right now??"
23 days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "I just thought I'd drop by and say hello. Since you're out of the hospital and all. I don't mean anything by it."
Three days ago via Tweetie
shitarthursays: "Yes, Eames, if you announce that you're quitting the Twitter thing I will kiss you. Type faster."
20 minutes ago via Tweetie