JANET LOUISE
I got a letter from Dawn today (Gold Country receptionist). Which I was very excited about of course! Shes so cool - but yea. She told me Janet is in the hospital and isn't doing too well. She said "poor gal - she doesn't seem to be having the greatest of times lately..." yea. Janet Janet...what can I say? The last time I saw her she nodded her head a bit, and almost got three words out. I used to stay every Saturday evening and watch a movie in activities with her. We'd watch chick flicks and then laugh at each other cause we were both crying. Every night I'd take her back to her room, help her with her PJs, pull down her bed, help her to the bathroom, and then stand in the doorway while she told me to drive carefully, wear my glasses, eat something other than soup and that she would always love me. Same thing every time. Then I'd smooch her forehead and say "yes mother" and head to the parking lot.
Janet has cerebral palsy, and so she was hard to understand speech-wise if you didn't know her. She loved music though. And she used to sing to me cause I could understand her so well, and I knew my corny 80's music...she would hear a song on the radio that made her cry and then come to me and sing it to find out what it was. Well, she sang "my love...just thinkin about you baby just blows my mind..." and we BOTH knew it...we just COULD NOT think of the song, or who sang it. Well, I finally looked it up. Lionel Richie. So I made her a CD and gave her my old discman, and she was in heaven. I hear that song now and my heart jumps to my throat. She used to love to eat popcorn and potato chips and ranch dip. She had been married and has a daughter somewhere in the world. We used to talk about that black sadness that kinda just surrounds you so you can't see anything but IT...and we talked about hurting on the inside, and turning to hurting on the outside. I visited her in the mental ward when they sent her there after she put a plastic bag over her head. I was there when she came back, and I wheeled her around the patio looking at the clouds...I listened to all of her tears and I told her she was important enough to be cared about because I did, and I told her she gave ME hope and that she was the strongest person I know and one of my favorite people in the world. I remember she said, "Really?" Really.
I heard it all. I knew Janet better than anyone there aside from Monica, cause I took the time to listen to her. Like, REALLY listen. She was one of those people whos hurts I felt as my own, whose happiness I felt as mine. She is only 62 years old, 63 if she makes it to June. Part of me doesn't want her to make it to that - I don't want her living a life this way. I want her to be up there bouncing around on the clouds looking down with her perfect body that she can run around with and smile and sing. So she can spend the day playing checkers with my mom and send me good dreams and put in a good word for me with the Godess. It sucks to know that she is hurting and remember how I used to be able to be there for her. Now I can't. I guess I should just remember what she used to tell me. "Its better to be pissed off than pissed on."
These are the times where I'm supposed to remember that people are in our lives for a time and then move on. NO! I don't like the letting go part. I'm stubborn though, I refuse to just let go - I will always always carry part of that with me, how could I not? I'm so lucky to have had that chunck of time in HER life...had I come along a few months later I would have missed it. What I love the most though is the part in her life that I got to play for her. Arlene, her sister (who is way nice) told me that Janet told her that I was someone that she felt like she could talk to about anything. That she trusted me a lot, which was weird cause I was only 19. It is one relationship in my life that I know for a fact was mutual admiration. I miss her a lot. I wonder whats happening up there, if she is still in the hospital. I wonder if Keith or Gwen would call me if anything happened...I hope so. Everyone was so worried about Janet when I left because they thought she would shut down. I pulled her out when I was there...I made her live (she did the same for me, really) - and sometimes during that goodbye stage when I had like 2 weeks left working there she would just start crying and half joking that she was coming with me. I'd threaten to kidnap her. But I didn't let her fall, I called her and sent her mail...and then I stopped when she couldn't use the phone anymore and no one gave her her mail. Dang it. Everytime I go up there, the nurses give me the update on how Janet is doing and the CNAs all say "have you gone to see Janet yet? You'll do her some good..." - ....I hope they keep me updated.
I'm gonna go check email and then go to bed. Well, I'll read for a bit....I don't wanna blow the candle out!
Janet has cerebral palsy, and so she was hard to understand speech-wise if you didn't know her. She loved music though. And she used to sing to me cause I could understand her so well, and I knew my corny 80's music...she would hear a song on the radio that made her cry and then come to me and sing it to find out what it was. Well, she sang "my love...just thinkin about you baby just blows my mind..." and we BOTH knew it...we just COULD NOT think of the song, or who sang it. Well, I finally looked it up. Lionel Richie. So I made her a CD and gave her my old discman, and she was in heaven. I hear that song now and my heart jumps to my throat. She used to love to eat popcorn and potato chips and ranch dip. She had been married and has a daughter somewhere in the world. We used to talk about that black sadness that kinda just surrounds you so you can't see anything but IT...and we talked about hurting on the inside, and turning to hurting on the outside. I visited her in the mental ward when they sent her there after she put a plastic bag over her head. I was there when she came back, and I wheeled her around the patio looking at the clouds...I listened to all of her tears and I told her she was important enough to be cared about because I did, and I told her she gave ME hope and that she was the strongest person I know and one of my favorite people in the world. I remember she said, "Really?" Really.
I heard it all. I knew Janet better than anyone there aside from Monica, cause I took the time to listen to her. Like, REALLY listen. She was one of those people whos hurts I felt as my own, whose happiness I felt as mine. She is only 62 years old, 63 if she makes it to June. Part of me doesn't want her to make it to that - I don't want her living a life this way. I want her to be up there bouncing around on the clouds looking down with her perfect body that she can run around with and smile and sing. So she can spend the day playing checkers with my mom and send me good dreams and put in a good word for me with the Godess. It sucks to know that she is hurting and remember how I used to be able to be there for her. Now I can't. I guess I should just remember what she used to tell me. "Its better to be pissed off than pissed on."
These are the times where I'm supposed to remember that people are in our lives for a time and then move on. NO! I don't like the letting go part. I'm stubborn though, I refuse to just let go - I will always always carry part of that with me, how could I not? I'm so lucky to have had that chunck of time in HER life...had I come along a few months later I would have missed it. What I love the most though is the part in her life that I got to play for her. Arlene, her sister (who is way nice) told me that Janet told her that I was someone that she felt like she could talk to about anything. That she trusted me a lot, which was weird cause I was only 19. It is one relationship in my life that I know for a fact was mutual admiration. I miss her a lot. I wonder whats happening up there, if she is still in the hospital. I wonder if Keith or Gwen would call me if anything happened...I hope so. Everyone was so worried about Janet when I left because they thought she would shut down. I pulled her out when I was there...I made her live (she did the same for me, really) - and sometimes during that goodbye stage when I had like 2 weeks left working there she would just start crying and half joking that she was coming with me. I'd threaten to kidnap her. But I didn't let her fall, I called her and sent her mail...and then I stopped when she couldn't use the phone anymore and no one gave her her mail. Dang it. Everytime I go up there, the nurses give me the update on how Janet is doing and the CNAs all say "have you gone to see Janet yet? You'll do her some good..." - ....I hope they keep me updated.
I'm gonna go check email and then go to bed. Well, I'll read for a bit....I don't wanna blow the candle out!