291 [YongSeo] What If?
Title: What If?
Author: macy
Pairing: YongSeo
Genre: Fluff, Angst, Romance
Rating: G
Summary: Moments of endless laughter, longest chats, and beautiful times shared together... what we remember from our chiildhood, we remember forever. In a way, memory is a means of holding on to things you never want to lose.
AN:
-AU
-for this story Seohyun, Taeyeon, Yoona, Jonghyun, Minhyuk and Jungshin are the same age. Juniel is a year younger than them. Yonghwa a year older than Hyun, and Kyuhyun is older than Yong. (this is based on er, another story, that's why).
-this is an account from Hyun's journal.
March 23, 2013
I saw Oppa earlier. I haven't seen him for months, and I was a bit surprised. He looked so thin... I might not have recognized him if he wasn't with Juniel. I wonder if he's eating properly..?
Oppa… I don't really remember how we met.
I remembered my first ever friend, Taeyeon-unnie, introducing me to his sister, Juniel, but I can't really remember when he entered the picture. It was like I have known him ever since.
They were my first playmates, Taeyeon-unnie, Juniel and Yong-oppa. If you looked at my childhood photos, you'd definitely see these three in most of them. I have many other friends, but these three are the closest to me.
Taeyeon-unnie's and my house is right next to each other. To be more accurate, the houses used to be one, but was renovated to become two. My parents and unnie's parents bought half and half at the same time and that was how I came to know unnie. Unnie is actually only a few months older than me, but I call her Unnie anyway because she's always mothering me.
Juniel and Yong-oppa, on the other hand, lives in the other side of the street, not very far from us. I don't know how they knew Unnie, but she was the one who introduced us.
Taeyeon-unnie and her family was always away when we were young because of her dad's work so whenever she's not around, I always go to Juniel's and Yong-oppa's house to play.
I remembered my favorite part of their house was their kitchen because they had this Keroro action figure collection on top of their refrigerator. I have always love Keroro, so I always find myself looking at their collection when I go to their house. I guess Yong-oppa had noticed that, because one time Juniel, I don't remember--went to the toilet, I guess?-- was gone for a while and it was just Yong-oppa and I, and he said I can take one if want. I didn't take any, of course. I actually felt embarrassed that he noticed.
My mom, and Juniel's and Yong-oppa's mom became friends as well, since we were in the same neighborhood. And I remembered one time hearing the two of them talking in our living room. They were talking about me and I was pleased because Juniel's mom was praising me and saying I was very bright. And then I heard her tell my mom that I could probably skip a year and still be among the top of the class.
"It'd be great if she could be in the same year as Yonghwa." She told my mom.
I was happy when she said that. Juniel had told me sadly that her oppa was starting primary school this year so he wouldn't be able to play with us as much as he always did. I thought if I could start school this year as well, I could still play with him always.
But my mom told their mom that I was too young for school. I was really sad then.
But even when he started school that year, he still didn't stop playing with us so I didn't have to worry, after all.
The next year I started school. Juniel's omma recommended I go to the same school as oppa and my mom did as she advised.
I was very nervous. I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends. Taeyeon-unnie would be attending another school. so I didn't know anyone from my school but Yong-oppa, but he was in the 2nd grade.
We went to school together on the first day and he didn't really help me much because he was just quiet even when we parted at school.
I wanted to cry out of nerves but didn’t want Oppa to think I was a coward so I held it in and walked alone to where my classroom is. I was a very timid and shy child so I can't really say I have made friends during that first day. But some of my classmate did try to play with me.
After classes, I walked outside my classroom, feeling a little glum because I knew I could have done better in making friends. But then someone called me.
"Hyunnie."
I knew at once it was Yong-oppa. He was the only one who ever calls me that. Taeyeon-unnie calls me 'Seohyun' and Juniel had always called me 'Ju Hyun-unnie'. It was somehow relieving to see him there. And I felt somewhat better. He had asked me how my first day was and we talked (well, him mostly while I listen) all the way home.
During our years in elementary school, I had always anticipated the moment he would call me after classes end so we could go home together, or whenever we run into each other during the day. He was the only one who calls me 'Hyunnie' or 'Hyun' at school so whenever he does, I knew at once that it was him.
That was when I realized that I have a crush on him. Whenever I see him, I want him to notice me, but when he does, I'd wish he would look away cause I just feel so self-conscious. And I'm always so happy when he'd wave or smile at me.
The funny thing is, I can't really say we're close, even though most of those who know the two of us seems to think so. I always feel awkward whenever I talk with him and especially when we're alone. Yong-oppa probably feels the awkward air as well because if it's just the two of us, though he tries to talk, he always runs out of things to say.
There was that time when Juniel had received a new puppy for her birthday and invited me to their house. When I arrived, Yong-oppa was nowhere to be seen. I was a little disappointed, but almost forgot about him when I saw the puppy. We started playing but then someone started singing. I then realized that Yong-oppa was actually showering (and singing) in the bathroom. I laughed when I heard him sing and Juniel just giggled and told me he always did whenever he showers. Then suddenly, the door opened and there he was standing only wrapped in a towel. He took one look at me, I saw his eyes widen and then he shut the door, shouting at his sister, "You should have told me Hyun is here!"
I could tell he was embarrassed, but couldn't really get why Juniel was laughing so hard. She told me she purposely didn't tell Oppa I was coming as a little revenge because he had named the puppy 'Guano' (from a Bon Jovi song) before she could and when she tried giving it another name, he wouldn't answer anymore. I didn't really understand how that could be a revenge though.
But even though we're awkward around each other, he takes really good care of me. One time, when I was in their house (I was in Taeyeon-unnie's or Juniel's most of the days in my childhood since my mom lets me go while theirs prefers their children stays home), their mom bought goguma for us. I didn't want to eat though because I've never eaten one before . I was timid and a coward about things I don't know so I was afraid it would taste awful. Yong-oppa then, quietly took one, peel it for me, and fed it to me. Then he said, "It's really delicious, eat." And ironically, now it's one of my favorites.
Juniel entered school the year after I did. Yong-oppa have many friends from his own grade, but he still plays with us. Sometimes he would let us join him and his classmates with their games. And he would always look after us. I guess he saw me as a little sister as well as Juniel's. When we play hide and seek, he would always take me and Juniel with him to go find a good hiding place and when the game starts, he'd look out for us and only let us out the hiding place when he's sure the coast is clear. When playing tag and I become 'it' he'd either run very slowly so I can catch up with him or just straight out approach me, offer his hand and say, 'tag me'.
Oppa has always been that way with me. Even when before I went to school, whenever we play with the kids in the neighborhood. I remember there was even that time when we was a time when my friends and I (except Juniel) were out riding bicycles. There's this street in our subdivision that have a real scary dog sort of 'guarding' it. The boys (of the neighborhood) dared the girls (who were in bikes) to ride across that particular street. We (stubbornly) accepted the challenge and the boys started getting on the back of our bikes. Oppa, unexpectedly, rode on the back of my bike.
My friends and I started pedalling towards the street. But as we arrived at the start of the street and the others saw the dog, they turned back. I, on the other hand (adrenaline, maybe. Or I just want to impress Oppa or something. I know now how silly and dangerous that was), pedalled faster and Oppa started laughing from my back, cheering me on. The dog started chasing after us and I don't really know what happened. It was a rush but we didn't get hurt or anything. We were able to cross the street and when I stopped the bike the two of us just sort of sat down the ground, feeling so tired but laughing at our stupidity anyway.
We never talked about important things being the kids we are. We just play together, laugh together. Sometimes he would tease me, but he gets real angry if someone else does (well, I can't really say it was teasing they did, more like harassment, really). There were also times when I cry (with a variety of reasons, most of them silly) and he'd start panicking (every time) and try everything he could to make me stop. Sometimes he would just randomly sit beside me quietly. During those time, I somehow knew he was upset about something but I never knew what to do to help. He'd sit beside me for a long while and neither of us would talk. And then, after a while, he'd stand up and be his old cheery self again. I didn't know if I actually helped, but I would be relieved that he was okay again. And I didn't really want anything more. I was happy that we were that way.
But when we were in middle school, we saw less and less of each other. He had many friends then, as I did. And to top that, their family moved to another subdivision when his grandfather died.
We still went to the same school, and I still see him from time to time. He would greet me when he can. He'd sometimes wave or smile at me when he see me from afar. But we never played together anymore. He never wait for me outside my classroom anymore. But why would he, anyway? Our way home wasn't the same anymore.
When he was in high school, we didn't talk to each other at all… And I try not to think much about him either. But curiously, whenever I did pass him in the corridors (we never greet each other anymore) or even just see him from my classroom, there would still be that sort of panic, and happiness stirring inside me. It was still there, same as when we were younger. I realized then that he was probably always gonna be someone different to me.
I didn't want that, especially since Yong-oppa started dating around (though his relationships never really last long --and he got a cassanova-sort of reputation because of that). His first girlfriend was a girl from my year, Shin Hye. But just a few months after that, they broke up. And next thing I knew, he had another girlfriend (this time a girl from Juniel's year! Can you believe it??) I try to not think about him, because when I did, there was this… feeling tugging on me. I can't really put my finger on it. It wasn't jealousy… I guess, it was more of… regret.
When I was in second year of high school and he was in his last year, my classmates started calling me 'Ice Princess.' Jonghyun, who had given me my title said I was 'cold and dense.'
"In all the years that I've known you, I never heard of you having a crush anyone ever. Save for anime characters, and they don't count!" He'd told me.
And when I ignored his words he said I was only proving once more that I was cold.
So, it was a sort of shock to them when one time we randomly played Truth or Dare. They had asked me (excitedly, I should add. It was after all Yoona who did the interrogation) if I've had any crushes in like ever and I told them honestly that I have had two, Kyuhyun-oppa (an oppa from choir) and Yong-oppa.
The problem was, they knew Yong-oppa. Our class' boys (Jonghyun, Jungshin and Minhyuk, especially, since they were in a band) are friends with him.
And then the teasing started. GOSHH. I think the whole batch of second year and third year were teasing us. Whenever we cross paths, in hallways or covered walk, someone would definitely start sniggering and giving us that look of someone with an inside joke or something.
It was very very awkward… And whenever I see him, the panic and --I don't know why-- happiness was even more pronounced than ever.
And when we were one time alone, he'd actually asked me teasingly, "Hyun (he never did stop calling me that), why are they teasing us?" He said that in the most annoying smug look a guy could ever have. His face clearly implies he knows something. And that something was probably the fact that I like him.
I couldn't let him know though. It was mortifying just thinking about it. So, to save face, I just rolled my eyes at him and told him, "It's not me, it's Jinwoon (my friend who has a reputation of being gay --he's not, I assure you-- and who I am with everywhere I go)." And then he didn't say anything anymore.
But still, the teasing continued. I'd be playing volleyball with my friends, and in a while third year boys would join us and after some more while, I'll realize it's only me and Oppa left in the court. And I'd feel my heart beating fast and my face heating up. I hate myself for being that way. Oppa probably knows how I feel, but thankfully he didn't comment anymore, although he'd still give me that annoying smug look.
There was one incident that year when he suddenly send me a text message saying 'hello, can you be my textmate?' I guess he wanted to prank me but it failed cause I already have his number. (That's a weird habit of mine that I'm trying to change. During high school, I have the numbers of all my friends and most of their family members. I like being familiar with my friends' family. Just one of my kinks.) He was right in front of me when he sent me the text so I just looked at him with raised brows and asked, "You want to be my textmate?"
And he was all, "What do you mean?"
He was trying to look nonchalant. I show him my phone and then he laughed. "Why do you have my number??"
I also laughed. "I got it from Juniel."
I might be reading into this too much but I just remembered right before their graduation ball, he also sent me a text asking me if I was going, I just replied with a yes (an oppa from my newspaper club invited me). He never replied after that.
I saw him during the ball but I don't think we talk... though… ah.. I might have been avoiding him since we're surrounded by insufferable people who have this power of making things awkward with just one look.
That was the last of it. Then he was off to college and we've never talk since.
Last thing I heard, he graduated from college and is now working. Jonghyun had mentioned they still see him sometimes when they have gigs.
Me, I'm now in my last year in college (I'm taking up Journalism). And it's sooo hectic nowadays that I just want to forgot all other deadlines and just go down memory lane like what I'm doing right now. I guess it helps. I feel more relaxed now.
It's actually kinda funny reading this myself… it's like he's my childhood sweetheart or something. I don't trust my memory much though… infatuated-Hyun might have convinced herself this is what really happened.
It was a beautiful story, whatever others say. They were beautiful memories.
But then there was just this: regret. That never left. Because I never knew, and might never know. There were so many what ifs.
What if that wasn't how the story was suppose to end?
What if I wished we had fallen in love?
What if we did?
What if he was my first love? What if I was his? What if sometimes, he too, would wonder and ask himself these questions?
This story was such a cliffhanger… But what if our story can still continue?
What if we can turn the page and write a new chapter?
I guess I'll have to get you back on that. Though I don't really think that is likely… But well, we'll never know. And woah, I sounded philosophical just now. Haha.
And I guess this ends my hour of procrastination. I should go back to work. Hmmm…
I still don't want to, though. Haha.
-------------
"There."
Yonghwa blinked, holding the book Juniel gave her.
"What's this?" He asked.
"Journal." She said.
Yonghwa raised his eyebrows in confusion. "What journal?"
"Her journal." Juniel said, sounding exasperated.
"Huh? What do you--? Who?" But Yonghwa actually already knows. There was only one 'her' Juniel kept nagging him about.
"How exactly did you get your hands on this? And does she know you have it? This might be some sort of a diary!" He told him, feeling very annoyed.
"It's not. It's mostly just her schedule and to-do-lists, and her drafts. But there are interesting things." Juniel said calmly. "And that answers all your questions." She said simply.
Yonghwa sighed. "Juniel, seriously, just return this to Hyun." He said as he hands it back.
Juniel didn't take it. "Oppa, just read one entry. March 23rd. All the answers are there."
"What exactly are you talk--"
"I'm saying Unnie wrote there what you wrote in your songs." She said impatiently. "Honestly, if you would just listen to me and read one of Unnie's story in her website, you'd be happy right now." She said, rolling her eyes. "And you won't even give me copies of your song. I could have made her listen." She muttered to herself.
She pushed the book back to Yonghwa and added, "You return it to her--after reading, of course. March 23rd. I've bookmarked it. And I think she doesn't have classes tomorrow. So there. You have an excuse. You're welcome. And do try and get to the next chapter, okay? I wanna read what will happen next."
And with the mysterious note, she left, leaving a very dumbfounded Yonghwa.
END.
AN:
-this is actually based on a blog entry of a friend of mine. and she can get random sometimes so that's why the entry seems all over. ^^;
-fail..? /shot
-Lyrics of one of Yonghwa's 'songs'?:
"Young hearts so pure
chivalry at its best
serving the first girl you’ve ever cared for
beside your mother and sister
Always wanting to be the first boy
she'd ever missed beside her dad or her brother"
--lols. it's just i quote i saw. and it fits yonghwa in this story. :))
Author: macy
Pairing: YongSeo
Genre: Fluff, Angst, Romance
Rating: G
Summary: Moments of endless laughter, longest chats, and beautiful times shared together... what we remember from our chiildhood, we remember forever. In a way, memory is a means of holding on to things you never want to lose.
AN:
-AU
-for this story Seohyun, Taeyeon, Yoona, Jonghyun, Minhyuk and Jungshin are the same age. Juniel is a year younger than them. Yonghwa a year older than Hyun, and Kyuhyun is older than Yong. (this is based on er, another story, that's why).
-this is an account from Hyun's journal.
March 23, 2013
I saw Oppa earlier. I haven't seen him for months, and I was a bit surprised. He looked so thin... I might not have recognized him if he wasn't with Juniel. I wonder if he's eating properly..?
Oppa… I don't really remember how we met.
I remembered my first ever friend, Taeyeon-unnie, introducing me to his sister, Juniel, but I can't really remember when he entered the picture. It was like I have known him ever since.
They were my first playmates, Taeyeon-unnie, Juniel and Yong-oppa. If you looked at my childhood photos, you'd definitely see these three in most of them. I have many other friends, but these three are the closest to me.
Taeyeon-unnie's and my house is right next to each other. To be more accurate, the houses used to be one, but was renovated to become two. My parents and unnie's parents bought half and half at the same time and that was how I came to know unnie. Unnie is actually only a few months older than me, but I call her Unnie anyway because she's always mothering me.
Juniel and Yong-oppa, on the other hand, lives in the other side of the street, not very far from us. I don't know how they knew Unnie, but she was the one who introduced us.
Taeyeon-unnie and her family was always away when we were young because of her dad's work so whenever she's not around, I always go to Juniel's and Yong-oppa's house to play.
I remembered my favorite part of their house was their kitchen because they had this Keroro action figure collection on top of their refrigerator. I have always love Keroro, so I always find myself looking at their collection when I go to their house. I guess Yong-oppa had noticed that, because one time Juniel, I don't remember--went to the toilet, I guess?-- was gone for a while and it was just Yong-oppa and I, and he said I can take one if want. I didn't take any, of course. I actually felt embarrassed that he noticed.
My mom, and Juniel's and Yong-oppa's mom became friends as well, since we were in the same neighborhood. And I remembered one time hearing the two of them talking in our living room. They were talking about me and I was pleased because Juniel's mom was praising me and saying I was very bright. And then I heard her tell my mom that I could probably skip a year and still be among the top of the class.
"It'd be great if she could be in the same year as Yonghwa." She told my mom.
I was happy when she said that. Juniel had told me sadly that her oppa was starting primary school this year so he wouldn't be able to play with us as much as he always did. I thought if I could start school this year as well, I could still play with him always.
But my mom told their mom that I was too young for school. I was really sad then.
But even when he started school that year, he still didn't stop playing with us so I didn't have to worry, after all.
The next year I started school. Juniel's omma recommended I go to the same school as oppa and my mom did as she advised.
I was very nervous. I was scared that I wouldn't make any friends. Taeyeon-unnie would be attending another school. so I didn't know anyone from my school but Yong-oppa, but he was in the 2nd grade.
We went to school together on the first day and he didn't really help me much because he was just quiet even when we parted at school.
I wanted to cry out of nerves but didn’t want Oppa to think I was a coward so I held it in and walked alone to where my classroom is. I was a very timid and shy child so I can't really say I have made friends during that first day. But some of my classmate did try to play with me.
After classes, I walked outside my classroom, feeling a little glum because I knew I could have done better in making friends. But then someone called me.
"Hyunnie."
I knew at once it was Yong-oppa. He was the only one who ever calls me that. Taeyeon-unnie calls me 'Seohyun' and Juniel had always called me 'Ju Hyun-unnie'. It was somehow relieving to see him there. And I felt somewhat better. He had asked me how my first day was and we talked (well, him mostly while I listen) all the way home.
During our years in elementary school, I had always anticipated the moment he would call me after classes end so we could go home together, or whenever we run into each other during the day. He was the only one who calls me 'Hyunnie' or 'Hyun' at school so whenever he does, I knew at once that it was him.
That was when I realized that I have a crush on him. Whenever I see him, I want him to notice me, but when he does, I'd wish he would look away cause I just feel so self-conscious. And I'm always so happy when he'd wave or smile at me.
The funny thing is, I can't really say we're close, even though most of those who know the two of us seems to think so. I always feel awkward whenever I talk with him and especially when we're alone. Yong-oppa probably feels the awkward air as well because if it's just the two of us, though he tries to talk, he always runs out of things to say.
There was that time when Juniel had received a new puppy for her birthday and invited me to their house. When I arrived, Yong-oppa was nowhere to be seen. I was a little disappointed, but almost forgot about him when I saw the puppy. We started playing but then someone started singing. I then realized that Yong-oppa was actually showering (and singing) in the bathroom. I laughed when I heard him sing and Juniel just giggled and told me he always did whenever he showers. Then suddenly, the door opened and there he was standing only wrapped in a towel. He took one look at me, I saw his eyes widen and then he shut the door, shouting at his sister, "You should have told me Hyun is here!"
I could tell he was embarrassed, but couldn't really get why Juniel was laughing so hard. She told me she purposely didn't tell Oppa I was coming as a little revenge because he had named the puppy 'Guano' (from a Bon Jovi song) before she could and when she tried giving it another name, he wouldn't answer anymore. I didn't really understand how that could be a revenge though.
But even though we're awkward around each other, he takes really good care of me. One time, when I was in their house (I was in Taeyeon-unnie's or Juniel's most of the days in my childhood since my mom lets me go while theirs prefers their children stays home), their mom bought goguma for us. I didn't want to eat though because I've never eaten one before . I was timid and a coward about things I don't know so I was afraid it would taste awful. Yong-oppa then, quietly took one, peel it for me, and fed it to me. Then he said, "It's really delicious, eat." And ironically, now it's one of my favorites.
Juniel entered school the year after I did. Yong-oppa have many friends from his own grade, but he still plays with us. Sometimes he would let us join him and his classmates with their games. And he would always look after us. I guess he saw me as a little sister as well as Juniel's. When we play hide and seek, he would always take me and Juniel with him to go find a good hiding place and when the game starts, he'd look out for us and only let us out the hiding place when he's sure the coast is clear. When playing tag and I become 'it' he'd either run very slowly so I can catch up with him or just straight out approach me, offer his hand and say, 'tag me'.
Oppa has always been that way with me. Even when before I went to school, whenever we play with the kids in the neighborhood. I remember there was even that time when we was a time when my friends and I (except Juniel) were out riding bicycles. There's this street in our subdivision that have a real scary dog sort of 'guarding' it. The boys (of the neighborhood) dared the girls (who were in bikes) to ride across that particular street. We (stubbornly) accepted the challenge and the boys started getting on the back of our bikes. Oppa, unexpectedly, rode on the back of my bike.
My friends and I started pedalling towards the street. But as we arrived at the start of the street and the others saw the dog, they turned back. I, on the other hand (adrenaline, maybe. Or I just want to impress Oppa or something. I know now how silly and dangerous that was), pedalled faster and Oppa started laughing from my back, cheering me on. The dog started chasing after us and I don't really know what happened. It was a rush but we didn't get hurt or anything. We were able to cross the street and when I stopped the bike the two of us just sort of sat down the ground, feeling so tired but laughing at our stupidity anyway.
We never talked about important things being the kids we are. We just play together, laugh together. Sometimes he would tease me, but he gets real angry if someone else does (well, I can't really say it was teasing they did, more like harassment, really). There were also times when I cry (with a variety of reasons, most of them silly) and he'd start panicking (every time) and try everything he could to make me stop. Sometimes he would just randomly sit beside me quietly. During those time, I somehow knew he was upset about something but I never knew what to do to help. He'd sit beside me for a long while and neither of us would talk. And then, after a while, he'd stand up and be his old cheery self again. I didn't know if I actually helped, but I would be relieved that he was okay again. And I didn't really want anything more. I was happy that we were that way.
But when we were in middle school, we saw less and less of each other. He had many friends then, as I did. And to top that, their family moved to another subdivision when his grandfather died.
We still went to the same school, and I still see him from time to time. He would greet me when he can. He'd sometimes wave or smile at me when he see me from afar. But we never played together anymore. He never wait for me outside my classroom anymore. But why would he, anyway? Our way home wasn't the same anymore.
When he was in high school, we didn't talk to each other at all… And I try not to think much about him either. But curiously, whenever I did pass him in the corridors (we never greet each other anymore) or even just see him from my classroom, there would still be that sort of panic, and happiness stirring inside me. It was still there, same as when we were younger. I realized then that he was probably always gonna be someone different to me.
I didn't want that, especially since Yong-oppa started dating around (though his relationships never really last long --and he got a cassanova-sort of reputation because of that). His first girlfriend was a girl from my year, Shin Hye. But just a few months after that, they broke up. And next thing I knew, he had another girlfriend (this time a girl from Juniel's year! Can you believe it??) I try to not think about him, because when I did, there was this… feeling tugging on me. I can't really put my finger on it. It wasn't jealousy… I guess, it was more of… regret.
When I was in second year of high school and he was in his last year, my classmates started calling me 'Ice Princess.' Jonghyun, who had given me my title said I was 'cold and dense.'
"In all the years that I've known you, I never heard of you having a crush anyone ever. Save for anime characters, and they don't count!" He'd told me.
And when I ignored his words he said I was only proving once more that I was cold.
So, it was a sort of shock to them when one time we randomly played Truth or Dare. They had asked me (excitedly, I should add. It was after all Yoona who did the interrogation) if I've had any crushes in like ever and I told them honestly that I have had two, Kyuhyun-oppa (an oppa from choir) and Yong-oppa.
The problem was, they knew Yong-oppa. Our class' boys (Jonghyun, Jungshin and Minhyuk, especially, since they were in a band) are friends with him.
And then the teasing started. GOSHH. I think the whole batch of second year and third year were teasing us. Whenever we cross paths, in hallways or covered walk, someone would definitely start sniggering and giving us that look of someone with an inside joke or something.
It was very very awkward… And whenever I see him, the panic and --I don't know why-- happiness was even more pronounced than ever.
And when we were one time alone, he'd actually asked me teasingly, "Hyun (he never did stop calling me that), why are they teasing us?" He said that in the most annoying smug look a guy could ever have. His face clearly implies he knows something. And that something was probably the fact that I like him.
I couldn't let him know though. It was mortifying just thinking about it. So, to save face, I just rolled my eyes at him and told him, "It's not me, it's Jinwoon (my friend who has a reputation of being gay --he's not, I assure you-- and who I am with everywhere I go)." And then he didn't say anything anymore.
But still, the teasing continued. I'd be playing volleyball with my friends, and in a while third year boys would join us and after some more while, I'll realize it's only me and Oppa left in the court. And I'd feel my heart beating fast and my face heating up. I hate myself for being that way. Oppa probably knows how I feel, but thankfully he didn't comment anymore, although he'd still give me that annoying smug look.
There was one incident that year when he suddenly send me a text message saying 'hello, can you be my textmate?' I guess he wanted to prank me but it failed cause I already have his number. (That's a weird habit of mine that I'm trying to change. During high school, I have the numbers of all my friends and most of their family members. I like being familiar with my friends' family. Just one of my kinks.) He was right in front of me when he sent me the text so I just looked at him with raised brows and asked, "You want to be my textmate?"
And he was all, "What do you mean?"
He was trying to look nonchalant. I show him my phone and then he laughed. "Why do you have my number??"
I also laughed. "I got it from Juniel."
I might be reading into this too much but I just remembered right before their graduation ball, he also sent me a text asking me if I was going, I just replied with a yes (an oppa from my newspaper club invited me). He never replied after that.
I saw him during the ball but I don't think we talk... though… ah.. I might have been avoiding him since we're surrounded by insufferable people who have this power of making things awkward with just one look.
That was the last of it. Then he was off to college and we've never talk since.
Last thing I heard, he graduated from college and is now working. Jonghyun had mentioned they still see him sometimes when they have gigs.
Me, I'm now in my last year in college (I'm taking up Journalism). And it's sooo hectic nowadays that I just want to forgot all other deadlines and just go down memory lane like what I'm doing right now. I guess it helps. I feel more relaxed now.
It's actually kinda funny reading this myself… it's like he's my childhood sweetheart or something. I don't trust my memory much though… infatuated-Hyun might have convinced herself this is what really happened.
It was a beautiful story, whatever others say. They were beautiful memories.
But then there was just this: regret. That never left. Because I never knew, and might never know. There were so many what ifs.
What if that wasn't how the story was suppose to end?
What if I wished we had fallen in love?
What if we did?
What if he was my first love? What if I was his? What if sometimes, he too, would wonder and ask himself these questions?
This story was such a cliffhanger… But what if our story can still continue?
What if we can turn the page and write a new chapter?
I guess I'll have to get you back on that. Though I don't really think that is likely… But well, we'll never know. And woah, I sounded philosophical just now. Haha.
And I guess this ends my hour of procrastination. I should go back to work. Hmmm…
I still don't want to, though. Haha.
-------------
"There."
Yonghwa blinked, holding the book Juniel gave her.
"What's this?" He asked.
"Journal." She said.
Yonghwa raised his eyebrows in confusion. "What journal?"
"Her journal." Juniel said, sounding exasperated.
"Huh? What do you--? Who?" But Yonghwa actually already knows. There was only one 'her' Juniel kept nagging him about.
"How exactly did you get your hands on this? And does she know you have it? This might be some sort of a diary!" He told him, feeling very annoyed.
"It's not. It's mostly just her schedule and to-do-lists, and her drafts. But there are interesting things." Juniel said calmly. "And that answers all your questions." She said simply.
Yonghwa sighed. "Juniel, seriously, just return this to Hyun." He said as he hands it back.
Juniel didn't take it. "Oppa, just read one entry. March 23rd. All the answers are there."
"What exactly are you talk--"
"I'm saying Unnie wrote there what you wrote in your songs." She said impatiently. "Honestly, if you would just listen to me and read one of Unnie's story in her website, you'd be happy right now." She said, rolling her eyes. "And you won't even give me copies of your song. I could have made her listen." She muttered to herself.
She pushed the book back to Yonghwa and added, "You return it to her--after reading, of course. March 23rd. I've bookmarked it. And I think she doesn't have classes tomorrow. So there. You have an excuse. You're welcome. And do try and get to the next chapter, okay? I wanna read what will happen next."
And with the mysterious note, she left, leaving a very dumbfounded Yonghwa.
END.
AN:
-this is actually based on a blog entry of a friend of mine. and she can get random sometimes so that's why the entry seems all over. ^^;
-fail..? /shot
-Lyrics of one of Yonghwa's 'songs'?:
"Young hearts so pure
chivalry at its best
serving the first girl you’ve ever cared for
beside your mother and sister
Always wanting to be the first boy
she'd ever missed beside her dad or her brother"
--lols. it's just i quote i saw. and it fits yonghwa in this story. :))