'Dilation' for andymere
Title: Dilation
Recipient: andymere
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: post-ew, deathfic, Trowa POV.
Summary: Trowa thought transporting the circus from one end of the galaxy to the other would be a simple, routine trip. But nothing’s ever that easy.
Author's Notes: 3x5, unhappy ending.
Author: teagoblin
Transmission: Carnivale Captain’s Log, Barton, Audio format, received August, 356AC.
Captain’s Log, Trowa Barton...the date is March twelfth, after colony two zero eight....
What to say. How...
Tomorrow has already come and gone, where you are. Days have passed, weeks, maybe months...it’s hard to say when I don’t have time or inclination to do the math. It’s right now for me, but it’s already gone for you, if you even knew it was happening. I could waste time wondering, but I think I’d like to imagine, just for now, that you didn’t know; that you didn’t have to struggle to find a way to fix it and fail. That it was just one of those things that happened, a long time ago for you even if it’s right now for me. That there’s another tomorrow for you, even if mine is a non event.
An easy trip, they said. Yeah, right. Funny how easy can take on such different meanings. Easy to live, easy to fly...so very easy to die. Not that I can say for certain that’s what’s going to happen, but...well. Easy. You know how it is.
Falling for you, loving you, living with you, for you, in you, around you...that’s easy. Without you? I’m not sure I remember how to do that, so maybe this is all a good thing? Maybe this really was the grand plan, not that either of us believe in these things, or maybe you do. Hard to know what’s going on in that head of yours sometimes. We never were for talking when it wasn’t needed. Yelling though...I could listen to you rant all day, and be left smiling at the end of it.
I know what you’d have to say about this. Well, after you finished telling me what an idiot I was for being here in the first place. Why did I think it was necessary to fly a circus from one end of the galaxy to another? Why did I let everyone else remain in stasis while I did the flight myself? Why, when it all went to hell and the ship decided to take a one way dive toward the nearest celestial body did I decide to land it successfully instead of letting her go up in a final blaze of glory?
Come on, we both know you would have landed. Crashing just isn’t our style.
It wasn’t like I could’ve seen this coming. I mean, really? One system after another failing until even life support was going? I didn’t have much choice, and neither did the ship. It was this planet, or death, and dying in space was never my dream. Maybe Heero’s? I don’t think so though, he’s got that thing with Maxwell going on these days...I hope that ends well. Or doesn’t end, since endings are so final. Or not final, when they’re drawn out for however long this actually takes.
I confess, I got a little bored, not so long ago. I thought about you ranting, or just standing there silent when you heard the news. If this even makes the news, or travels down any sort of grape vine since it’s not like there’s anyone out here to see what happens. But maybe you will. You’re not exactly the type to give up, so even if you come out here as a last result, you’ll figure it out.
Like you figured me out. Including how I get bored. It’s just one of those things, and once the ship came to a rest I checked everything. It took me three days to know it wasn’t going anywhere. Three of my days. I wonder how many that was for you?
I didn’t even notice, when the radiation levels hit, they were so subtle at first. I know, that’s the mistake that could have changed everything. Maybe. Who knows how much time there was, between then and the first system failing? Maybe it wasn’t long enough. I like to think it wasn’t; that there was nothing I could have done. Because I would have done anything to make it home.
For a TV dinner, if that was all it was. Or to the lights out and soft breathing from the bedroom. For standing in the doorway while you worked, with that little frown line you get between your brows when you concentrate too hard. For a phone call. For one last hint of your existence.
There are no TV dinners in the ergosphere. It took me a while to realise the planet was stuck in it. That we were rotating the wrong way, and slowly being pulled apart. The stabilisers, ironically, are the only thing still functioning properly on the ship, so I didn’t notice the tremors until I went outside.
I know, we’re not supposed to go outside, what if there hadn’t been any oxygen? But there had been, and Kiki wanted to pee.
Yeah...Kiki. I told you I got bored, so I woke up Kiki from deep freeze. Maybe I just didn’t want to be alone, and you know how I am about the lions. Kiki didn’t mind either, at first. Now though...well, even she’s giving me dirty looks.
I just didn’t want the smell of lion piss to be the last thing up my nose. I have no idea why. But that was when we saw it. Well, Kiki saw it, and when I realised she was just standing there looking pretty dumbfounded I turned to take a gander too and really, it was pretty damn hard to miss then. Pretty damn hard not to just stand there and stare, because when you see it you realise just how screwed you are.
The event horizon should reach us in a few minutes and from there, who knows? Maybe I’ll meet you before operation meteor and keep you for myself? Make sure you never go? But wouldn’t that be keeping you from myself as well? I was never that good at the whole time thing, I liked to just be told where to go and how to get there and how long it was going to take.
This trip? Supposed to be three weeks; a week and a half there and the same back. Even if there’d been a way to relaunch, to get free, the drives are so dead it would have taken years to get back. We’d both be old men by then, with a lifetime of regrets between us so maybe it really is better this way. I don’t want regrets. Not now.
I just want you. Not surprising, I know, but when your only company is Kiki and a bunch of cryo-circus workers you don’t want to wake them just to tell them they’re about to die, well...you want the things that used to seem so simple.
The thing is...if there was a way out? Which there isn’t, but if there was? So much time has likely passed for you that it’s possible you’re already an old man. It’s possible you’re already dead. So many things are possible when you don’t know just how slow time is moving. Even if the ship was fine and we got out of here, passing it might have screwed me over anyway. So there isn’t that much difference between dying here, or dying when I got home to find you long gone.
I love you. Right now, whenever that is, wherever it is. Wherever this takes me, I take you with me in the only way I can, and I remain with you in equal part. We exist together.
Wufei...
Transmission interrupted. Reconnection failure.
Cease transmission.
Recipient: andymere
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: post-ew, deathfic, Trowa POV.
Summary: Trowa thought transporting the circus from one end of the galaxy to the other would be a simple, routine trip. But nothing’s ever that easy.
Author's Notes: 3x5, unhappy ending.
Author: teagoblin
Transmission: Carnivale Captain’s Log, Barton, Audio format, received August, 356AC.
Captain’s Log, Trowa Barton...the date is March twelfth, after colony two zero eight....
What to say. How...
Tomorrow has already come and gone, where you are. Days have passed, weeks, maybe months...it’s hard to say when I don’t have time or inclination to do the math. It’s right now for me, but it’s already gone for you, if you even knew it was happening. I could waste time wondering, but I think I’d like to imagine, just for now, that you didn’t know; that you didn’t have to struggle to find a way to fix it and fail. That it was just one of those things that happened, a long time ago for you even if it’s right now for me. That there’s another tomorrow for you, even if mine is a non event.
An easy trip, they said. Yeah, right. Funny how easy can take on such different meanings. Easy to live, easy to fly...so very easy to die. Not that I can say for certain that’s what’s going to happen, but...well. Easy. You know how it is.
Falling for you, loving you, living with you, for you, in you, around you...that’s easy. Without you? I’m not sure I remember how to do that, so maybe this is all a good thing? Maybe this really was the grand plan, not that either of us believe in these things, or maybe you do. Hard to know what’s going on in that head of yours sometimes. We never were for talking when it wasn’t needed. Yelling though...I could listen to you rant all day, and be left smiling at the end of it.
I know what you’d have to say about this. Well, after you finished telling me what an idiot I was for being here in the first place. Why did I think it was necessary to fly a circus from one end of the galaxy to another? Why did I let everyone else remain in stasis while I did the flight myself? Why, when it all went to hell and the ship decided to take a one way dive toward the nearest celestial body did I decide to land it successfully instead of letting her go up in a final blaze of glory?
Come on, we both know you would have landed. Crashing just isn’t our style.
It wasn’t like I could’ve seen this coming. I mean, really? One system after another failing until even life support was going? I didn’t have much choice, and neither did the ship. It was this planet, or death, and dying in space was never my dream. Maybe Heero’s? I don’t think so though, he’s got that thing with Maxwell going on these days...I hope that ends well. Or doesn’t end, since endings are so final. Or not final, when they’re drawn out for however long this actually takes.
I confess, I got a little bored, not so long ago. I thought about you ranting, or just standing there silent when you heard the news. If this even makes the news, or travels down any sort of grape vine since it’s not like there’s anyone out here to see what happens. But maybe you will. You’re not exactly the type to give up, so even if you come out here as a last result, you’ll figure it out.
Like you figured me out. Including how I get bored. It’s just one of those things, and once the ship came to a rest I checked everything. It took me three days to know it wasn’t going anywhere. Three of my days. I wonder how many that was for you?
I didn’t even notice, when the radiation levels hit, they were so subtle at first. I know, that’s the mistake that could have changed everything. Maybe. Who knows how much time there was, between then and the first system failing? Maybe it wasn’t long enough. I like to think it wasn’t; that there was nothing I could have done. Because I would have done anything to make it home.
For a TV dinner, if that was all it was. Or to the lights out and soft breathing from the bedroom. For standing in the doorway while you worked, with that little frown line you get between your brows when you concentrate too hard. For a phone call. For one last hint of your existence.
There are no TV dinners in the ergosphere. It took me a while to realise the planet was stuck in it. That we were rotating the wrong way, and slowly being pulled apart. The stabilisers, ironically, are the only thing still functioning properly on the ship, so I didn’t notice the tremors until I went outside.
I know, we’re not supposed to go outside, what if there hadn’t been any oxygen? But there had been, and Kiki wanted to pee.
Yeah...Kiki. I told you I got bored, so I woke up Kiki from deep freeze. Maybe I just didn’t want to be alone, and you know how I am about the lions. Kiki didn’t mind either, at first. Now though...well, even she’s giving me dirty looks.
I just didn’t want the smell of lion piss to be the last thing up my nose. I have no idea why. But that was when we saw it. Well, Kiki saw it, and when I realised she was just standing there looking pretty dumbfounded I turned to take a gander too and really, it was pretty damn hard to miss then. Pretty damn hard not to just stand there and stare, because when you see it you realise just how screwed you are.
The event horizon should reach us in a few minutes and from there, who knows? Maybe I’ll meet you before operation meteor and keep you for myself? Make sure you never go? But wouldn’t that be keeping you from myself as well? I was never that good at the whole time thing, I liked to just be told where to go and how to get there and how long it was going to take.
This trip? Supposed to be three weeks; a week and a half there and the same back. Even if there’d been a way to relaunch, to get free, the drives are so dead it would have taken years to get back. We’d both be old men by then, with a lifetime of regrets between us so maybe it really is better this way. I don’t want regrets. Not now.
I just want you. Not surprising, I know, but when your only company is Kiki and a bunch of cryo-circus workers you don’t want to wake them just to tell them they’re about to die, well...you want the things that used to seem so simple.
The thing is...if there was a way out? Which there isn’t, but if there was? So much time has likely passed for you that it’s possible you’re already an old man. It’s possible you’re already dead. So many things are possible when you don’t know just how slow time is moving. Even if the ship was fine and we got out of here, passing it might have screwed me over anyway. So there isn’t that much difference between dying here, or dying when I got home to find you long gone.
I love you. Right now, whenever that is, wherever it is. Wherever this takes me, I take you with me in the only way I can, and I remain with you in equal part. We exist together.
Wufei...
Transmission interrupted. Reconnection failure.
Cease transmission.