A few words about life and death and doing both well

[gunhilda]

We're inundated with a lot of information on how to live well.  But, really, as a society, I don't think we know how to die very well.  It's something we put off thinking about for as long as possible, perhaps to the point of denying it will even happen.

Kate and I lost a friend to cancer last night, and I've been wrestling with mixed emotions,

Comments

[siggy63]

I'm sorry about your friend, maybe she felt that it was the only way she could be strong and she needed that control because everything else was pretty much out of her hands. Perhaps the reason she didn't tell you or let you in at the end was precisely because she loved you and didn't want your memories of her to be about her illness. Death, after all is the one truly personal experience in our lives, I don't think we can never know how we will feel or what we will do when when our time comes.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} and a peaceful heart to you and Kate.

[gunhilda]

It's impossible to say what was going through her mind (because she wouldn't talk to us), and as I said, I recognize that my distress is purely selfish (and mostly on Kate's behalf, because Kate considered T to be one of her best friends).

No, I don't suppose we know exactly how we'll behave when the time comes, but if I try to pull the same disappearing stunt, and you find out about it, please come kick my ass before it's too late.

[siggy63]

Have no fear,sweetheart, your arse will be well and truly kicked.

[gunhilda]

I'm holding you to that. :)

[steldr]

I assume you're talking about the friend in McAlester who died yesterday. I was pretty upset when I saw the post on the NR list - thank you - I wondered what had happened. I understand about letting people know how you feel, etc. After Mom's stroke last year I've been very careful to express that to my family. I guess I do need to extend that to my circle of friends. So thank you - and I love you and Kate too. :)

[gunhilda]

Awwwwwww.... *hugs*

[wolfgrrrrl]

Kiss Kiss Hug Hug, Mercedes! Megge Pyper was her SCA persona, a bard and quirky woman...I wish I was better at correspondence these days but I is old and tired. i think that you know how much I love you :)

[shimmeringstar1]

Although... perhaps she did it to spare her own self the angst? Could be that she didn't want to see or experience the hell and misery she *perceived* (wrongly or rightly) that her friends and other loved ones might go through while watching her slowly decline. I dunno.

I totally understand your anger and wanting to know why, and wanting to have that last opportunity to share your love with her to try to ease her journey. But like you said, it's a very personal and complicated subject with no rights or wrongs, with a lot of food for thought for those of us still left behind.

And telling people while they're still alive that you love them and value them - that is a great message and, if anything, one of her legacies.

Don't forget you're an integral and valued part of our lives too. :) What was it I read this past year and can't remember who wrote it? I think the author was talking about a Tibetan greeting - "I honor the greatness in you." We honor the greatness in you too. :)

((((((((Strix))))))))

[gunhilda]

perhaps she did it to spare her own self the angst? Could be that she didn't want to see or experience the hell and misery she *perceived* (wrongly or rightly) that her friends and other loved ones might go through while watching her slowly decline.

Yeah, that's quite possible, I suppose. I can only imagine that there were many factors involved.

"I honor the greatness in you."

I like that a lot. I honor the greatness in you, too, SS. :)

[meganwaters2004]

Well, said, well said.
I had to read through it about three times to digest everything. (a sign of my feeble brain)Funerals are and always have been for the living; to say goodbye, to grieve, to process, to find peace if there is any, to begin healing.
Somewhere in my brain, I think T though she was being stoic. Okay.
Grief is hard enough without more questions of why did you....?
I knew T well enough to allow myself to be angry as long as I want to be. Hug Kate tight for me. And you too.

[gunhilda]

I don't like funerals, so I'm not particularly upset at not having one to attend. I'm much more upset about being kept in the dark and locked out while she was still alive. But funerals are an important ritual for many people, so I have to question that decision, as well.

When Frank was diagnosed, he came back to Stillwater and we had lunch together. It was hard to see him looking so sick and miserable, knowing that he was going to die soon, but it meant so much to me (and him, too, I'd like to believe) to be able to tell him how much I admired him as a person, a friend, and a musician.

I remember that lunch with great fondness... it was hard and awkward, but it was so precious at the same time. I didn't attend his funeral either (it was held in another state), but I had my chance to say good-bye, and that gave me closure. I have no regrets in my friendship with Frank. But you and Kate will always have a questionmark associated with your memories of Teresa. And I just think that's sad.

[scifithinker]

So sad.

*sends hugs*