Fraternity Brother becoming Fraternity Sister

[john1082]

I've been acquainted with tko_ak for a while now and have consulted with him on this topic - perhaps others can shed some light on this

Comments

[enlisted_smile]

To be honest, I'm not so sure that academic materials will help you understand. What she is going through is not an academic process; it's an emotional one. You may be able to find studies and psychology texts regarding gender dysphoric disorder, but it won't help you understand her heart or her mind.

[tko_ak]

Yeah. The medical stuff might be good, but not all that relevant. And the gender theory stuff isn't particularly helpful.

[john1082]

Perhaps academic was an inartful term. What I'm looking for is some serious writing on the subject - I need to get smart in order to begin to understand what is - and has been - going on for the past 33 years - yeah, I've known her that long!

Transgendered Info

[gleef]

Well, tko_ak probably sent you there already, but PFLAG has a subgroup called the Transgender Network (TNET), In their book reviews section, they mention Transgender Emergence by Arlene Istar Lev, CSW-R, CASAC. I haven't read the book, but it sounds like it's it is as up to date with current academic thinking as is possible with a published book for a small market.

But, far more important than academic understanding is personal understanding. It's crucial for her to have friends who are there for her as she continues to realize and better understand new things about herself, and old things that she had been forced to suppress and keep hidden. And it sounds like you're ready to be a good brother to her :-)

You also might find it worthwhile to hook up with your local PFLAG Chapter, you'll find other people there who have gone through some of the confusion you're probably going through right now, and they can also connect you to people who have gone through some of the confusion your friend is probably going through right now.

Hope that

[kathygnome]

I'd recommend She's Not There by Jenny Boylan which is a memoir by a writer who transitioned in I believe her 40s. It's very well written and I think it gets across really well what it's like to live with a gender identity issue. And how it just eats at you, as was put in the Matrix "like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad

[john1082]

The book you mentioned may well be what I need. The age at transition is somewhat close to that of my friend.

[o_wanderlust]

I second reading She's Not There ! Understanding what she's going through can be important. I'm glad she has an ally in you :)

[john1082]

Among his peers in the chapter - remember that we're all 50+ - we want her to be happy. We want her to succeed. Some of my Brothers are very conservative, and others are more 'Berkeleyesque' in their perspective, but we all in agreement that she is the same individual that we lived with, ate dinner with, went to glasses with, went to ball games with. the relationship hasn't changed.

So often college fraternities get a bad rap in the press, but you know us only from without - you do not know the strict rules which lie within. Many of the national fraternities have non-discrimination policies with respect to sexual orientation and there is no question but that it is to to be respected, implemented and enforced. I have gay brothers and no issues at all with it. But this is a different issue - and my brothers and I will work through it.

[unearthingbone]

I think it's great that you want to be supportive! I know it's hard to start referring to someone you've recognized as another gender for it sounds like a long time by new pronouns, but I'd say a really firm place to start is referring to your friend by the pronouns (and name, if applicable) she/he/ze prefers immediately is probably the most supportive thing you can do.

That, and listening non-judgmentally if he/she/ze comes to you for support -- I mean, putting aside any questions you might have that you could find out through your own research and letting your friend tell you what he/she/ze feels comfortable telling you at his/her/hir own pace.

[john1082]

I think that over time I will come to better understand what has been going on with her for the past 33 years; perhaps this transition will clear away some of the angst that we all picked up on.

My biggest concern is for her son; he is 18 and will be a college freshman this fall.

[wanda505]

A book I would recommend for her son (and for you also, although it's more relevant to him), is "Out of the Ordinary." It's a collection of essays by the children of gay, lesbian, and trans parents. There were probably five or more by the children of transgendered people.

I think it's great how supportive you're being.

[wanda505]

Also, listening non-judgmentally is not the same as not asking questions. She may appreciate questions if they show that you're trying to understand what she's going through.

[wanted_a_pony]

First of all, I'd like to say it sounds like you have a good heart & real affection for your frat sister. That, & what she says herself, should be your real guide, because the worlds of transgender/transsexual/genderqueer/etc. opinions & politics & possibilities is dizzyingly complex & exploding in new directions every day. I'm just starting to learn about it myself & it often seems overwhelming "in the abstract." So your touchstone should be the actual person you're familiar with; many things about her will remain the same even as some change. She is the world's authority on what she feels & wants