Ally 101 PSA
Thanks to everyone who helped provide information for this endeavor.
I want to point out that, especially with the glossary of terms, there may be differing definitions of what these terms mean. I was, of course, trying to be inclusive and non-offensive but had to make some judgment calls based on what I know and how I interpret what I read if I didn't have a good grasp of what a term meant.
I couldn't be all-inclusive or the list would be too long, and tried to use increasingly common (or basic but important) terms that many people may not understand. If you genuinely believe I left out something that is vital to know, or very confusing to people, let me know what it is and define it and I'll consider adding it in. Likewise, if there's something I've defined that you have serious issues with let me know, and I'll consider changing it. I want it to be correct, but I'm not going to waste my time getting into a semantics pissing contest on relatively trivial differences. If it's offensive or glaringly wrong, that's one thing. If you want a comma or a word change, don't waste your breath because I'm not going to open the flood gates.
A Public Service Announcement on and for Straight & Cisgender Allies
Basic Glossary of Terms:
LGBT...: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender/Transsexual. Some acronyms have a different order, or additional letters for other groups (queer, asexual, allies, etc.), but LGBT is the most common.
Sexual Orientation: Sexual orientation marks the sexual, emotional, and romantic attraction a person has towards others, based on sex (i.e. homosexual - same sex; heterosexual - opposite sex; bisexual - both same and opposite sexes). While the causes of sexual orientation are not confidently known, it is not a choice and non-heterosexual orientations are not wrong, immoral, or unnatural.
Pansexual: Someone who is sexually and romantically attracted to both males and females - like a bisexual - but is also attracted to transgender people. Ultimately, the gender binary is not of importance to their attraction.
Fag Hag: A typical term of endearment for a heterosexual female who keeps the company of homosexual males.
Gay-Dar: A supposedly intuitive sense of being able to distinguish between gay and straight people.
Homophobia: Like transphobia, homophobia is the blatant hostility toward the non-heterosexual community. That is, fear of or hatred toward different sexual orientations. This may manifest itself through discrimination, violence, or general disdain for gay, bisexual, etc. people. Subtler or more nuanced forms of homophobia may also be present, but its existence is not as clear cut.
Queer: An arguably reclaimed word that attempts to classify LGBTetc... members together. For example, a trans person may consider themselves a heterosexual, but their status as someone who is trans includes them under the queer umbrella. In essence, it's a non-acronym way to describe LGBTetc... people. It is important to note, however, that there is no one clear definition of the word, and some within the LGBTetc... community reject its use or label.
Gender Identity: Gender identity refers to which gender a person recognizes as their own. That is, do they consider themselves a male or a female (for the most part)? Usually, the biological sex assigned by chromosomes (distinctions between the sexes are sexual organs/genitalia) matches up with the gender (the social construct and roles), but this is not always the case. ...
Gender Identity Disorder: Gender dysphoria is a medically recognized condition where a person was born the wrong sex and does not recognize their sex's traditional gender. This leads to significant mental anguish as the person feels as if they're trapped in the wrong body. It may be officially diagnosed in early child hood, adolescence, or adult hood, but has usually “always been there.” For more information, see Section 302.85 of the DSM-IV Manual.
Cisgender: Someone who is not transgender/transsexual. That is, people whose sex and gender line up.
Transgender: Often used interchangeably with transsexual, transgender people desire to be or identify as someone from the opposite gender. This may not lead to a legal or physical change of a person's sex, but they may live the life of the opposite gender (clothing, mannerisms, hair cut, name, etc.).
It may appear to be a distinction without a significant difference from transsexual, but it is important to note the varied terms.
Transsexual: Often used interchangeably with transgender, transsexual people strive to be a member of the opposite sex. This may lead to surgeries to alter their external and internal body. While it is not always feasible, sexual reassignment surgery is typically the goal to achieve legal and biological recognition as the opposite sex. While chromosomes cannot be changed or gametes recreated, a post-op transsexual person is not the same sex as they were upon birth.
It may seem like a distinction without a significant difference from transgender, but it is important to note the varied terms.
Transphobia: Like homophobia, transphobia is the blatant hostility toward the trans community. That is, a fear of or hatred toward different gender identities when they differ from their biologically assigned sex. This may manifest itself through discrimination, violence, or general disdain for trans people. Subtler or more nuanced forms of transphobia may also be present, but its existence is not as clear cut.
MtF: Male to Female transsexual person (they born with their sex as male, but their true gender is female). Remember to refer to this person as “she” or “her.”
FtM: Female to Male transsexual person (they were born as the female sex, but their true gender is male). Remember to refer to this person as “he” or “him.”
Pre-Op: A transsexual person who has not had either top or bottom surgery. That is, they have not had a sex change operation.
Transition(ing): The process where a trans person begins to transition from their birth sex to their true gender. This usually includes a new name that is identified with their gender, typical clothing and hairstyles of their true gender, and may mark the beginning of hormone therapy (i.e. a MtF person begins estrogen, a FtM person begins testosterone))
Stealth: A trans person who may or may not be pre-op or had their sex legally changed, but who lives life not as their biological sex, but their true gender (i.e. a FtM person lives life as a male)
Two Spirited: A common theme among American Indian and other indigenous cultures, two spirited people believe that they have both male and female spirits as part of their true self.
Genderqueer: People who identify as genderqueer do not belong to either the male or female gender, or both. Likewise, they may not believe that gender is binary (male or female).
Genderfucked: Like genderqueers, gender fucked people do not recognize the traditional binary gender structure. They may identify as something other than male or female.
Intersexed: A conditions in which chromosomal sex is inconsistent with the phenotypic sex, or in which the phenotype is not classifiable as either male or female. Basically, someone who was born neither male nor female or whose outward appearance does not biologically match their biological makeup. More so, upon birth, many hospitals assign a sex and surgically structure a genitalia based on their decision.
No, you aren't the only one confused by these different categories.
For Allies:
Try as you might, not everyone will be receptive to your message that gay, bi, and transsexual people deserve equality and to be treated with dignity. Some people, unfortunately, will never get it. Also be prepared for people to assume that you're gay. This can be discouraging, but don't lose your resolve: you are fighting the good fight and know that we appreciate you. We may not always express it as clearly or often as we should, but thank you for all you do.
Realize that even if your intentions are noble, being over the top with how much you “love the gays” is annoying. Acting as if homosexuality or transsexualism is chic, cool, fashionable, etc. is ignorant and not only cheapens our very real struggle against violence and to achieve equality, but causes you to lose credibility within the LGBT community. Just because someone is gay or trans does not meet they're your BFF. We're your equals, not something to look down on with pity. We are complex individuals whose sexuality and gender identity are merely two facets of who we are: please remember that and don't act as if we're a monolithic community.
Never use words like “fag” or “dyke.” More so, do not use “gay” as an adjective (i.e. “that's so gay!”). It's hurtful, and having gay friends is not an excuse or carte blanche to say things like that. They are, ultimately, insults. Even milder terms, such as “lifestyle” and "sexual preference" imply choice and have negative connotations attached to it within the LGBT community. It can also be important to note that religion can be a very sensitive topic, particularly for those people who have mistreated by their friends, family, and church due to misguided morality.
Keep in mind that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things. Just because someone is gay does not mean that they are transsexual, and transsexual people can be gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, etc.
Cisgender people should know that gender identity disorder is a legitimate medical condition, and some might argue, a birth defect. Simply put, someone was born with the wrong sex (they were born as a male but their true self is female, or vice versa). It is also imperative that you know and respect your trans friends' preferred pronouns. If they are MtF, refer to the person as “she” or “her.” If the person is FtM, use “he” and “him.” This applies even if the person has not physically transitioned through either top or bottom surgery. To not use the proper pronouns is insensitive and disrespectful, and can be interpreted as maliciously intended if it becomes a habit.
Also understand that asking a trans person about life under their birth sex, surgery history, genital status, etc. is inappropriate, unless they've made it clear that they're comfortable discussing it with you. Likewise, don't assume that you can tell whether someone is trans. For examples, see this website.
If you have more specific questions, please see PFLAG's Do/Don't Guide. No one is asking you to be overwhelmingly politically correct, just to treat people with dignity and respect. Even if your intentions are noble, they may not be interpreted in such a manner if you say something that can be construed as insensitive.
For LGBT People About Allies:
It is important to understand and remember that allies have coming out stories, too. They come out to - and risk - their family, friends, colleagues, peers, spiritual advisers, etc. that they support the LGBT community. Just as we have exited the closet, they too come out in support of equality and humane treatment for all people at home, school, church, their place of employment, etc.. Allies are as much a part of our community as any discriminated sexual orientation and gender identified person.
No, someone who is heterosexual or cisgender cannot possible fully understand what it's like to be gay, bisexual, or transsexual. That said, do not cast out potential friends because of this. Even if someone responds poorly upon your coming out, or have said things that were insensitive, try to be understanding and have patience. With time, some of the most homophobic or transphobic people come around and become our friends and strongest advocates. People can and do change: remember that we're all human.
Keep in mind that, perhaps without thinking, some cisgender people will use improper pronouns. Likewise, many heterosexual people will say things (using terms like “fag” or “dyke” or saying things such as “that's so gay!”) that are insensitive or insulting. Usually, if the person is generally supportive, it is simply a mistake; that is, a slip up. Politely remind them of how that makes you feel, and what is proper. This is a better strategy than jumping down their throat, and most will be very apologetic for their unintentional slight and work to remove such things from their lexicon.
Ultimately, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Patience is imperative, but so is including and engaging Allies. They have a unique perspective, and it should be utilized. We shouldn't have to, but we need to reach out to the heterosexual and cisgender communities if we want to achieve acceptance and equal legal standing within society. The reality is that we live a heterosexual and cisgender dominated existence, and alienating potential friends is counterproductive.
I want to point out that, especially with the glossary of terms, there may be differing definitions of what these terms mean. I was, of course, trying to be inclusive and non-offensive but had to make some judgment calls based on what I know and how I interpret what I read if I didn't have a good grasp of what a term meant.
I couldn't be all-inclusive or the list would be too long, and tried to use increasingly common (or basic but important) terms that many people may not understand. If you genuinely believe I left out something that is vital to know, or very confusing to people, let me know what it is and define it and I'll consider adding it in. Likewise, if there's something I've defined that you have serious issues with let me know, and I'll consider changing it. I want it to be correct, but I'm not going to waste my time getting into a semantics pissing contest on relatively trivial differences. If it's offensive or glaringly wrong, that's one thing. If you want a comma or a word change, don't waste your breath because I'm not going to open the flood gates.
A Public Service Announcement on and for Straight & Cisgender Allies
Basic Glossary of Terms:
LGBT...: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender/Transsexual. Some acronyms have a different order, or additional letters for other groups (queer, asexual, allies, etc.), but LGBT is the most common.
Sexual Orientation: Sexual orientation marks the sexual, emotional, and romantic attraction a person has towards others, based on sex (i.e. homosexual - same sex; heterosexual - opposite sex; bisexual - both same and opposite sexes). While the causes of sexual orientation are not confidently known, it is not a choice and non-heterosexual orientations are not wrong, immoral, or unnatural.
Pansexual: Someone who is sexually and romantically attracted to both males and females - like a bisexual - but is also attracted to transgender people. Ultimately, the gender binary is not of importance to their attraction.
Fag Hag: A typical term of endearment for a heterosexual female who keeps the company of homosexual males.
Gay-Dar: A supposedly intuitive sense of being able to distinguish between gay and straight people.
Homophobia: Like transphobia, homophobia is the blatant hostility toward the non-heterosexual community. That is, fear of or hatred toward different sexual orientations. This may manifest itself through discrimination, violence, or general disdain for gay, bisexual, etc. people. Subtler or more nuanced forms of homophobia may also be present, but its existence is not as clear cut.
Queer: An arguably reclaimed word that attempts to classify LGBTetc... members together. For example, a trans person may consider themselves a heterosexual, but their status as someone who is trans includes them under the queer umbrella. In essence, it's a non-acronym way to describe LGBTetc... people. It is important to note, however, that there is no one clear definition of the word, and some within the LGBTetc... community reject its use or label.
Gender Identity: Gender identity refers to which gender a person recognizes as their own. That is, do they consider themselves a male or a female (for the most part)? Usually, the biological sex assigned by chromosomes (distinctions between the sexes are sexual organs/genitalia) matches up with the gender (the social construct and roles), but this is not always the case. ...
Gender Identity Disorder: Gender dysphoria is a medically recognized condition where a person was born the wrong sex and does not recognize their sex's traditional gender. This leads to significant mental anguish as the person feels as if they're trapped in the wrong body. It may be officially diagnosed in early child hood, adolescence, or adult hood, but has usually “always been there.” For more information, see Section 302.85 of the DSM-IV Manual.
Cisgender: Someone who is not transgender/transsexual. That is, people whose sex and gender line up.
Transgender: Often used interchangeably with transsexual, transgender people desire to be or identify as someone from the opposite gender. This may not lead to a legal or physical change of a person's sex, but they may live the life of the opposite gender (clothing, mannerisms, hair cut, name, etc.).
It may appear to be a distinction without a significant difference from transsexual, but it is important to note the varied terms.
Transsexual: Often used interchangeably with transgender, transsexual people strive to be a member of the opposite sex. This may lead to surgeries to alter their external and internal body. While it is not always feasible, sexual reassignment surgery is typically the goal to achieve legal and biological recognition as the opposite sex. While chromosomes cannot be changed or gametes recreated, a post-op transsexual person is not the same sex as they were upon birth.
It may seem like a distinction without a significant difference from transgender, but it is important to note the varied terms.
Transphobia: Like homophobia, transphobia is the blatant hostility toward the trans community. That is, a fear of or hatred toward different gender identities when they differ from their biologically assigned sex. This may manifest itself through discrimination, violence, or general disdain for trans people. Subtler or more nuanced forms of transphobia may also be present, but its existence is not as clear cut.
MtF: Male to Female transsexual person (they born with their sex as male, but their true gender is female). Remember to refer to this person as “she” or “her.”
FtM: Female to Male transsexual person (they were born as the female sex, but their true gender is male). Remember to refer to this person as “he” or “him.”
Pre-Op: A transsexual person who has not had either top or bottom surgery. That is, they have not had a sex change operation.
Transition(ing): The process where a trans person begins to transition from their birth sex to their true gender. This usually includes a new name that is identified with their gender, typical clothing and hairstyles of their true gender, and may mark the beginning of hormone therapy (i.e. a MtF person begins estrogen, a FtM person begins testosterone))
Stealth: A trans person who may or may not be pre-op or had their sex legally changed, but who lives life not as their biological sex, but their true gender (i.e. a FtM person lives life as a male)
Two Spirited: A common theme among American Indian and other indigenous cultures, two spirited people believe that they have both male and female spirits as part of their true self.
Genderqueer: People who identify as genderqueer do not belong to either the male or female gender, or both. Likewise, they may not believe that gender is binary (male or female).
Genderfucked: Like genderqueers, gender fucked people do not recognize the traditional binary gender structure. They may identify as something other than male or female.
Intersexed: A conditions in which chromosomal sex is inconsistent with the phenotypic sex, or in which the phenotype is not classifiable as either male or female. Basically, someone who was born neither male nor female or whose outward appearance does not biologically match their biological makeup. More so, upon birth, many hospitals assign a sex and surgically structure a genitalia based on their decision.
No, you aren't the only one confused by these different categories.
For Allies:
Try as you might, not everyone will be receptive to your message that gay, bi, and transsexual people deserve equality and to be treated with dignity. Some people, unfortunately, will never get it. Also be prepared for people to assume that you're gay. This can be discouraging, but don't lose your resolve: you are fighting the good fight and know that we appreciate you. We may not always express it as clearly or often as we should, but thank you for all you do.
Realize that even if your intentions are noble, being over the top with how much you “love the gays” is annoying. Acting as if homosexuality or transsexualism is chic, cool, fashionable, etc. is ignorant and not only cheapens our very real struggle against violence and to achieve equality, but causes you to lose credibility within the LGBT community. Just because someone is gay or trans does not meet they're your BFF. We're your equals, not something to look down on with pity. We are complex individuals whose sexuality and gender identity are merely two facets of who we are: please remember that and don't act as if we're a monolithic community.
Never use words like “fag” or “dyke.” More so, do not use “gay” as an adjective (i.e. “that's so gay!”). It's hurtful, and having gay friends is not an excuse or carte blanche to say things like that. They are, ultimately, insults. Even milder terms, such as “lifestyle” and "sexual preference" imply choice and have negative connotations attached to it within the LGBT community. It can also be important to note that religion can be a very sensitive topic, particularly for those people who have mistreated by their friends, family, and church due to misguided morality.
Keep in mind that sexual orientation and gender identity are different things. Just because someone is gay does not mean that they are transsexual, and transsexual people can be gay, straight, bisexual, pansexual, etc.
Cisgender people should know that gender identity disorder is a legitimate medical condition, and some might argue, a birth defect. Simply put, someone was born with the wrong sex (they were born as a male but their true self is female, or vice versa). It is also imperative that you know and respect your trans friends' preferred pronouns. If they are MtF, refer to the person as “she” or “her.” If the person is FtM, use “he” and “him.” This applies even if the person has not physically transitioned through either top or bottom surgery. To not use the proper pronouns is insensitive and disrespectful, and can be interpreted as maliciously intended if it becomes a habit.
Also understand that asking a trans person about life under their birth sex, surgery history, genital status, etc. is inappropriate, unless they've made it clear that they're comfortable discussing it with you. Likewise, don't assume that you can tell whether someone is trans. For examples, see this website.
If you have more specific questions, please see PFLAG's Do/Don't Guide. No one is asking you to be overwhelmingly politically correct, just to treat people with dignity and respect. Even if your intentions are noble, they may not be interpreted in such a manner if you say something that can be construed as insensitive.
For LGBT People About Allies:
It is important to understand and remember that allies have coming out stories, too. They come out to - and risk - their family, friends, colleagues, peers, spiritual advisers, etc. that they support the LGBT community. Just as we have exited the closet, they too come out in support of equality and humane treatment for all people at home, school, church, their place of employment, etc.. Allies are as much a part of our community as any discriminated sexual orientation and gender identified person.
No, someone who is heterosexual or cisgender cannot possible fully understand what it's like to be gay, bisexual, or transsexual. That said, do not cast out potential friends because of this. Even if someone responds poorly upon your coming out, or have said things that were insensitive, try to be understanding and have patience. With time, some of the most homophobic or transphobic people come around and become our friends and strongest advocates. People can and do change: remember that we're all human.
Keep in mind that, perhaps without thinking, some cisgender people will use improper pronouns. Likewise, many heterosexual people will say things (using terms like “fag” or “dyke” or saying things such as “that's so gay!”) that are insensitive or insulting. Usually, if the person is generally supportive, it is simply a mistake; that is, a slip up. Politely remind them of how that makes you feel, and what is proper. This is a better strategy than jumping down their throat, and most will be very apologetic for their unintentional slight and work to remove such things from their lexicon.
Ultimately, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Patience is imperative, but so is including and engaging Allies. They have a unique perspective, and it should be utilized. We shouldn't have to, but we need to reach out to the heterosexual and cisgender communities if we want to achieve acceptance and equal legal standing within society. The reality is that we live a heterosexual and cisgender dominated existence, and alienating potential friends is counterproductive.