Ficcage: Words
Another fic? In one day? What is the world coming to?
Words
The force of the door slamming shattered his heart. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. “I love you,” whispered in the desperation of emotion, should have shattered the chains of his self-imposed prison and bound him fast to her, molding them into a perfect fit. “I love you,” dredged up from the pits of sincerity, should have meant “happily ever after.”
Not this.
How did things go so wrong so quickly?
She was like clay in his hands, waiting for him to impress his marks upon her, to leave behind the evidence of every little kiss and touch behind on her flesh.
He wanted to cry, to rage, to scream. But he had no tears, no anger, no energy. All of it had fled with her.
Here was Elysium, Heaven, Paradise, stretched out along the length of her, like lying next to the sun, like finally holding the fire close to his heart, knowing he’d be scorched away but wanting it all the same.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Whispered words, as if they were both afraid of saying them aloud, afraid of who might hear them, afraid how they might sound said in their normal tones of voice, unable to convey everything they felt. Afraid they’d sound Empty. Words, so inadequate; if only he could share his thoughts with her with every shared breath, make her heart beat with the thousand emotions he felt for her. But he only had words.
“Riza, have you ever thought about leaving the military?”
And she had turned in his arms and the darkness had fallen upon her face like a second lover, obscuring everything in it-but he knew that even if there had been light, it wouldn’t have made a difference.
“Why are you asking me that, Roy?”
Because he loved her. Beyond reason, beyond thought, beyond any price of equivalent trade, he loved her, he loved her, he loved her. How easy it would have been to say that, to whisper in her ear all the words that fell short, to articulate the truths of his universe in a sentence that would never capture it.
“Riza, maybe… maybe it’d be safer for you if you left.”
So he wouldn’t have to lose her, wouldn’t have to risk her, wouldn’t have to put some flowers at a headstone, wouldn’t have to endure the wrath of his spirit: a flood that would destroy every part of his being, wash away every ounce of joy and fulfillment from his existence.
“Is that what you want, Roy?”
Yes. No. Of course. Of course not.
“I…”
“Is this how things are going to be? Are you always going to be worrying about me now?”
Now? He had always worried about her-even before he loved her, when she was just a comrade, a friend, another soul trapped in a living nightmare. That would never change. But where were the words for that?
“It’s getting too dangerous, Riza.”
“That’s my decision to make!”
“I don’t want you getting hurt!”
“I’m a soldier! Or have you forgotten?”
“That doesn’t mean you won’t distract me!”
Words. Damning words. He never meant them. Never. Didn’t she know that? She had to know. But she hadn’t said a word. He could only lie there, listening to her breathing, every inhalation driving a dagger into his heart, every exhalation further condemning him.
And then she had left.
Broke his heart.
No, he had done that to himself.
And all around him the sheets still smelled like her, shampoo and soap and sweat. He buried himself in the memory of her presence.
“I love you.”
*
She appeared on his doorstep like a stray dog, soaked to the bone, dripping heaven’s tears from her hair and clothing.
She was beautiful.
“Can I come in?” she asked softly.
“Of course,” he said. “Let me get you a towel.”
Her icicle fingers closed around his hand, held him fast, her cold flesh burning, freezing him immediately to the spot.
“What would you do if I died tomorrow?” she asked softly.
Horror. The thought was anathema, poison in his mind, his blood. But for her, he let it run through him, let the thought firmly settle in his mind, dig its claws into his soul before he turned to face her fully.
“I’d die.”
Her head bowed, dripping locks falling forward, like a veil-or the final curtain at the end of a performance and he waited like a rapt audience, not ready to believe that this might be the end, waiting for the show to go on.
“Would you really? Could you really after all this time and effort? Not you, Roy Mustang.”
His fist clenched at his side. “Without you, I’d be dead inside.”
“You’d find someone else.”
“Maybe,” he conceded, “but it would never be the same; she would never be you. I’d never feel like this again.”
“Maybe you would find someone better.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t need to.”
She lifted her head and he could see the threat of rain in her overcast eyes. “Then how do you think I would feel if I lost you, Roy?”
His expression softened and his heart beat loudly in his ears. He wanted to take her in his arms, chase the world away, make her his everything and let her take the same from him, but he couldn’t, not yet. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either, Roy. Not if I can help it.”
“That’s what scares me.”
And they understood. They had always understood.
“I want to stay at your side, Roy. I’m meant to be there; nothing changes that.”
“…I know.”
“Then you respect my decision? You won’t let this come between us?”
He stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her, held her against him, wondered at how all their curves and lines seemed to complement. His match. His all.
“I always did, I always will. See? Nothing between us.”
“Good,” she whispered into his ear, “because I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Words. Just words.
And as he bent down to kiss her, he realized they had never needed words. But some things deserved to be said.
FIN
Words
The force of the door slamming shattered his heart. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. “I love you,” whispered in the desperation of emotion, should have shattered the chains of his self-imposed prison and bound him fast to her, molding them into a perfect fit. “I love you,” dredged up from the pits of sincerity, should have meant “happily ever after.”
Not this.
How did things go so wrong so quickly?
She was like clay in his hands, waiting for him to impress his marks upon her, to leave behind the evidence of every little kiss and touch behind on her flesh.
He wanted to cry, to rage, to scream. But he had no tears, no anger, no energy. All of it had fled with her.
Here was Elysium, Heaven, Paradise, stretched out along the length of her, like lying next to the sun, like finally holding the fire close to his heart, knowing he’d be scorched away but wanting it all the same.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Whispered words, as if they were both afraid of saying them aloud, afraid of who might hear them, afraid how they might sound said in their normal tones of voice, unable to convey everything they felt. Afraid they’d sound Empty. Words, so inadequate; if only he could share his thoughts with her with every shared breath, make her heart beat with the thousand emotions he felt for her. But he only had words.
“Riza, have you ever thought about leaving the military?”
And she had turned in his arms and the darkness had fallen upon her face like a second lover, obscuring everything in it-but he knew that even if there had been light, it wouldn’t have made a difference.
“Why are you asking me that, Roy?”
Because he loved her. Beyond reason, beyond thought, beyond any price of equivalent trade, he loved her, he loved her, he loved her. How easy it would have been to say that, to whisper in her ear all the words that fell short, to articulate the truths of his universe in a sentence that would never capture it.
“Riza, maybe… maybe it’d be safer for you if you left.”
So he wouldn’t have to lose her, wouldn’t have to risk her, wouldn’t have to put some flowers at a headstone, wouldn’t have to endure the wrath of his spirit: a flood that would destroy every part of his being, wash away every ounce of joy and fulfillment from his existence.
“Is that what you want, Roy?”
Yes. No. Of course. Of course not.
“I…”
“Is this how things are going to be? Are you always going to be worrying about me now?”
Now? He had always worried about her-even before he loved her, when she was just a comrade, a friend, another soul trapped in a living nightmare. That would never change. But where were the words for that?
“It’s getting too dangerous, Riza.”
“That’s my decision to make!”
“I don’t want you getting hurt!”
“I’m a soldier! Or have you forgotten?”
“That doesn’t mean you won’t distract me!”
Words. Damning words. He never meant them. Never. Didn’t she know that? She had to know. But she hadn’t said a word. He could only lie there, listening to her breathing, every inhalation driving a dagger into his heart, every exhalation further condemning him.
And then she had left.
Broke his heart.
No, he had done that to himself.
And all around him the sheets still smelled like her, shampoo and soap and sweat. He buried himself in the memory of her presence.
“I love you.”
*
She appeared on his doorstep like a stray dog, soaked to the bone, dripping heaven’s tears from her hair and clothing.
She was beautiful.
“Can I come in?” she asked softly.
“Of course,” he said. “Let me get you a towel.”
Her icicle fingers closed around his hand, held him fast, her cold flesh burning, freezing him immediately to the spot.
“What would you do if I died tomorrow?” she asked softly.
Horror. The thought was anathema, poison in his mind, his blood. But for her, he let it run through him, let the thought firmly settle in his mind, dig its claws into his soul before he turned to face her fully.
“I’d die.”
Her head bowed, dripping locks falling forward, like a veil-or the final curtain at the end of a performance and he waited like a rapt audience, not ready to believe that this might be the end, waiting for the show to go on.
“Would you really? Could you really after all this time and effort? Not you, Roy Mustang.”
His fist clenched at his side. “Without you, I’d be dead inside.”
“You’d find someone else.”
“Maybe,” he conceded, “but it would never be the same; she would never be you. I’d never feel like this again.”
“Maybe you would find someone better.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t need to.”
She lifted her head and he could see the threat of rain in her overcast eyes. “Then how do you think I would feel if I lost you, Roy?”
His expression softened and his heart beat loudly in his ears. He wanted to take her in his arms, chase the world away, make her his everything and let her take the same from him, but he couldn’t, not yet. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I don’t want to lose you either, Roy. Not if I can help it.”
“That’s what scares me.”
And they understood. They had always understood.
“I want to stay at your side, Roy. I’m meant to be there; nothing changes that.”
“…I know.”
“Then you respect my decision? You won’t let this come between us?”
He stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her, held her against him, wondered at how all their curves and lines seemed to complement. His match. His all.
“I always did, I always will. See? Nothing between us.”
“Good,” she whispered into his ear, “because I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Words. Just words.
And as he bent down to kiss her, he realized they had never needed words. But some things deserved to be said.
FIN