Fic: Anthropology and Aliens
Title: Anthropology and Aliens
Author: greta_garbo
Fandom: Doctor Who and Community (Crossover! Whee!)
Pairings: Amy/Rory, Jeff/Annie
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3484
Summary: There's an alien at Greendale. Amy and Rory help the Doctor hunt it. And by "help hunt it" I mean "take classes at GCC".
Disclaimers: What's gonna happen if I say I do own them?
Notes: Not sure how happy I am with this. I've written many Community fics, but this is my first ever Who fic, and while I think the two go well together, I'm not sure how well I made them go together. I don't know if I got Amy and Rory right at all.
“Is this really what university is like?” Amy asked as she looked around the campus of Greendale Community College. “Well, I am certainly glad I decided not to go.”
Rory shook his head, a little dumbfounded. “No, university back in England was…different. Better than this. This is… I don’t even know.” He grasped Amy’s hand desperately as he looked around. “Is this what all America universities are like?”
“You mean desperate, a little pathetic and… bizarre?” Amy supplied.
“Yeah.”
The continued to walk the grounds, taking in the feeling of the school. There was short Asian man with some kind of strange piano/guitar hybrid sitting in the grass, playing his instrument poorly, while a group of what looked like hippies watched with disapproval. An old man in a track team uniform ran past them nearly knocking over a man whose sideburns were shaped as stars.
“The Doctor’s sure this is 2010?” Rory questioned. “Maybe his math was wrong. Maybe this is some kind of dystopian society in the not-too-distant future.”
They walked past the baseball diamond and stopped to watch the end of the game. The home team won, and the team and the crowd began to chant “Human Beings! Human Beings!” while a person dressed from head to toe in grey latex stumbled around like a blind man.
“’Human Beings’? Wait, their team mascot is a human being?’ Rory was confused. “Isn’t a mascot supposed to be an animal of some kind? Oh my god. What if this isn’t Earth at all? This must be some strange planet full of aliens who look human but aren’t, and who keep real humans as pets!” He began to panic. “Amy, we have to get out of here! If they find out we’re really human… we have to get back to the TARDIS now!”
He grabbed her hand and tried to run away, but was stopped by Amy’s not moving-ness. “But…” she said, trying to be reasonable. She pointed at the gray thing, who was performing some kind of victory dance, facing away from the crowd. “That’s the mascot. And it doesn’t look like a human. It looks like… Oh! It looks like those aliens that tried to burn us at the stake for having noses!”
“Wait… so these humanoid aliens think that the Cryllolaks are humans?” Rory was having a hard time keeping up.
Amy was getting impatient. “No,” she said in her Rory, you’re sweet, but sometimes you can be really daft voice. “I don’t think this is another planet and I don’t think it’s the future. I think it’s just… America.”
They both shivered in disgust. “We should probably just make sure,” Rory said, intercepting a Middle Eastern looking guy on the sidewalk. “This might seem like a weird question, but what year is it?”
The guy seemed to consider the question for a moment. Then he said, very seriously, “It wouldn’t be a weird question if you were time travelers.” He regarded Amy and Rory for a moment before saying, “2010.” Then he continued on his way.
Rory and Amy stared after him for a moment before Amy said, “D’you think he’s the alien we’re looking for.”
“Don’t be mean, Amy.”
----------------
A few pieces of psychic paper later, and Amy and Rory were enrolled at Greendale Community College as foreign exchange students.
The dean seemed so excited by the prospect of exchange students that he didn’t seem to remember that he’d never organized such a thing.
Amy was pretty sure that alien hunting wasn’t supposed to be this boring. It was supposed to be sneaking around and getting tossed into prison and running for your life. Pretty much what every day with the Doctor had been up to this point.
But right now she and Rory were taking classes and eating in the cafeteria and doing homework.
It went on this way for a week, with no end in sight. Nothing she had done with the Doctor had ever taken this long.
When she mentioned it to the Doctor, he just made a very grave face and talked very cryptically about the alien threat and then cursed under his breath about clever aliens hiding so well, and then he waved Amy and Rory off, wishing them a good day of education and matriculation.
“Ugh!” Amy burst out, slamming her text book shut. She and Rory were sitting on the floor in the TARDIS library, doing their homework, while the doctor stood on a very dangerous looking ladder, going through some very old looking books which were apparently from a planet far, far, away and possibly held some kind of secret about smoking out the alien threat they were after.
“This is ridiculous!” she shouted. “Shouldn’t we be out there, looking for this alien, rather than sitting in here, doing homework?”
“Nothing we can do right now,” the Doctor mumbled distractedly, thumbing through one of his books.
Realizing that yelling at the Doctor wasn’t going to get her anywhere, Amy turned to Rory. “Why are we working so hard? We’re not real students anyway. Who cares if we fail all of our classes?”
“We’re supposed to be exchange students, Amy,” Rory argued. “We’re supposed to be good students. People will get suspicious if we start bombing our classes.”
“We could blame it on culture shock!”
“Amy…”
“I just…. GAH! I can’t do this anymore. Anthropology is just… it’s hard! It’s hard, okay? It’s hard, and I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Rory sighed. “Anthropology is hard,” he acquiesced.
“So let’s just stop trying!”
“Oi!” The Doctor said from his spot from above them. “Never stop trying! Stopping trying is giving up, and that won’t do. That won’t do at all.”
Amy glared hard at him while Rory tried to present a solution. “There is that study group.”
“What?”
“You know, that strange little study group. The one that the old guy and the scary blonde are in. And they all seem to be doing pretty well in the class. Oh, and that really smart brunette is in it, too!”
“Which one?”
“You know, the one who sits in the front. The one who always asks questions. You know, with the pretty eyes.”
Amy narrowed her eyes at her husband. “You’ve been noticing her eyes, now, have you?”
“What?” Rory wasn’t sure how this conversation had take this turn this quickly. “Wait. What? No. I mean, you asked which one and… she just… her eyes are… you know… large… and…”
“And pretty?”
“Um…. No?”
“If you didn’t think that they’re pretty then why did you say they were pretty?”
“I…. I don’t think there’s any way I can answer that question without making you angry.”
Amy glared, but said. “Fine. We’ll join pretty eyed study group.”
“Wait…” the Doctor said. “Does the study group have pretty eyes or does the girl have pretty eyes. Because if the study group has pretty eyes….” he flipped through a few pages. “Oh, never mind. It couldn’t possibly be the Frell, oxygen kills them.” He returned to his books, ignoring Amy and Rory.
Amy was still glaring.
--------
The gang wasn’t thrilled about having new members.
They were naturally wary of taking on new members after the whole Buddy situation. Not only were they worried about throwing off the flow they’d managed to develop, but there was also always the possibility of taking in crazy people. And the foreigners… they were a little a strange. And it wasn’t just the accents. They always seemed to be sneaking around, looking for something, and they seemed to spend a lot of time in that weird blue box that was just around the corner from the school.
Troy had also had a mild panic attack when Rory had had to pull up a chair from another table, completely throwing off the balance, having three people on one side of the table while the rest only had two.
And the fact that there already seemed to be tension between the two newcomers did no favors for the group in general. As soon as she had entered the room, Amy rushed to take the seat between Jeff and Annie, tossing Rory a warning and agitated look, while Rory rolled his eyes and tried to look contrite at the same time.
Neither noticed that Jeff and Annie didn’t look too happy at Amy sitting in between them.
The only one who seemed excited at all was Abed.
“You guys know Amy and Rory, right?” he said, flicking his index finger back and forth between Amy and Rory, who was sitting between himself and Britta.
The group made unexcited noises of confirmation.
The first ten minutes of studying went by relatively quietly. Annie would ask study questions, and Amy would only glare slightly when Rory answered them.
Then they got into the section discussing marriage and things went to hell.
“The Mormons have the right idea,” Pierce said. “If I had been able to just keep getting married, I probably wouldn’t have been divorced seven times.”
“You’re assuming your wives wanted to stay married to you, Pierce,” Jeff said.
“Well, Mormons don’t do that anymore, right, Troy?” Shirley asked.
“I told you!” Troy said in frustration, “I’m Jehovah’s Witness! It’s not the same thing.”
“Guys! I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about religion anymore!” Britta said.
The started to get back on track after that, until Britta decided she needed to go on a feminist rant about marriage traditions that went out of style centuries ago.
“Of course the male dominated society thinks that it’s perfectly fine to marry their women off for an acre of land on a goat!”
“Some cultures just marry off the goat,” Amy said thoughtfully. “Though it wasn’t so much a goat as it was a goat/cow mix. And it really did seem to be happy to be getting married.”
The study group stared at her in confusion.
“Amy…” Rory said carefully.
Realizing where she was and who she was with, she laughed tightly. “I was kidding!”
“Oh, so you think chauvinistic oppression is funny?” Britta asked, ready for a fight.
The rest of the group groaned.
“I’m pretty sure that soap box is getting tired of your animal friendly boots treading all over it, Britta,” Jeff said.
“Maybe we should get back to studying,” Annie tried.
“I agree completely,” Rory said.
“You would,” Amy grumbled.
------
Amy Pond (now Williams) frequently acted on impulse. Sometimes it led to wonderful things, like traveling with the Doctor, or saving a Star Whale. And sometimes it led to… less great things. Like getting sucked into the earth and being held captive by subterranean lizard people.
She wasn’t sure if flirting with Jeff Winger was good impulsive or bad impulsive.
But Rory kept answering Pretty Eye’s questions, and agreeing with her thoughts that they should actually study.
And now he was sitting in the cafeteria with Pretty Eyes, Anthropology books open, doing some of their precious studying. Sure, they were sitting across from each other at a respectable distance, and anyone watching would think that it was nothing more than two classmates sharing notes. But Amy knew better. The people of Phlastiflorax mated with each other from across a ten meter room. She had seen it. So, yeah, sitting a foot away from each other at a table… not as innocent as it looked. She was sure of it.
So she plopped herself and her lunch tray down next to Jeff Winger and plastered on her best seductive smile.
Jeff Winger seemed to be totally unresponsive.
She backed off a bit, deciding to start a little simpler. “Interesting looking food,” she said. “I’ve seen an awful lot of strange food sludges - really, you wouldn’t believe how many - but nothing… quite like this.”
“It’s the Mystery Meat Sampler,” Jeff explained dully. “On Fridays they talk all the meant they’ve used throughout the week and just kind of mash it together.”
Amy’s stomach turned a bit. She’d been on planets with some pretty questionable foods, but… this might be the worst.
“So,” she tried again. “Anthropology’s not quite as fun as I expected it to be.” She looked over at Jeff, but he merely shrugged. “I kind of just want to skip all this boring ‘marriage’ stuff and get to the mating rituals,” she said lowly, smirking.
No response. He just kept looking down at his food.
I’ve lost it. Amy thought. I’ve completely lost it. Getting married has just made me completely unappealing to other men. Or, oh god, maybe I inhaled something on some planet or something. Maybe I have some sort of Unattractive To the Male Species Infection.
And then Jeff’s miserable gaze slipped from his food to the table across the cafeteria where her husband and Pretty Eyes were sitting.
Oh.
Oh!
Ha!
“Are you shagging the big eyes brunette, then?” Amy squealed, torn between delight and annoyance.
“What?”
“Don’t be coy, you know what I’m talking about.”
“I really don’t. You’re in the colonies now, Benny Hill, try speaking American.”
“Benny Hill? I’m Scottish!”
“It all sounds the same to these ears.”
“Whatever! Are you having it off with her?”
“What does that mean?”
Amy lost patience. “Screwing! Are you screwing her?”
Jeff’s eyes grew wide. “Keep your voice down! You Europeans have no sense of propriety.”
“You are, then!” Amy said, quieter, but triumphant. “Oh, I get it. You’re trying to keep it on the down low.”
“No!” Jeff says. “We’re not ‘shagging’ or ‘having it off’ or ‘eating pudding in the parlor’ or whatever.”
“What?”
“It’s not like that with me and Annie.”
“Well you sure do look pretty unhappy that she’s spending quality time with my husband.”
“You two are married? God, no wonder you seem so miserable.”
“We’re not miserable!”
Jeff raised his eyebrows in skepticism.
“I’m just…” Amy tried to explain. “I’m…. mad because I don’t want to be here right now when there are so many other amazing places we could be, and he seems to be perfectly happy taking Anthropology and flirting with your girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend!”
“Well maybe if you did something about that she’d stop making eyes at my husband.” She picked up her tray of disturbing meat mash and stormed away.
-------------------------
The rather large alien had exploded into an even larger blob of slimy green goo, which then exploded all over the cafeteria, and more specifically, all over the people in the cafeteria.
The Doctor was standing there triumphantly, his sonic screwdriver in one hand and a meat mash and green goo covered spatula in the other. “Of course! Of course it was gestating in the cafeteria of an American school! It’s genetic makeup was so similar to that of the mysterious meat mash that I couldn’t detect it!” He smiled in appreciation of his adversary’s cleverness. “And Rory!” he exclaimed, not bothering to try to find his companion in the crowd of confused students. “Good thinking, using the cold from the freezers to keep it at bay. I never thought you were actually listening during my lectures. Now that I know that you were…”
The Doctor continued talking, completely unaware that Rory wasn’t hearing a word of it. He was too busy flying through the cafeteria in a panic, looking for Amy. After looking under his fifth overturned table, he began to panic.
“Doctor? Doctor?! I can’t find Amy!”
The Doctor was too busy analyzing the goo to pay Rory much mind.
“Have you guys seen Amy?” Rory asked a disoriented Jeff and Annie.
Jeff shook his head as Rory ran off. He turned his attention back to Annie, who was sitting on the floor, holding her head gently. “Are you okay?” he asked, scanning her for injuries.
“That was an alien,” Annie said, sounding vaguely like she might lose it.
“Yeah,” Jeff said, not quite believing it himself, but more concerned with the possibility of Anne being injured.
“That was an alien,” she repeated. “And… It came up from beneath the cafeteria… and it tried to eat us.”
“Yeah.”
“And then Rory like… completely forgot that I existed and he… he FOUGHT that thing. Him and that… weird guy with the laser pointer.”
“Yeah.”
“And then you…” her face softened. “You shielded me. You have green goo all over you and I don’t because you shielded me.”
Jeff just shrugged, embarrassed.
“Jeff! That thing ate Starburns! And you would have let it eat you before it could get to me.”
“It probably wasn’t the best thought out plan in the world-”
His mouth couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too busy being kissed by Annie.
On the other side of the cafeteria Rory was in full on panic mode… when Amy walked through the door.
She stopped, looked around, her face contorting with disbelief. “You have to be kidding me!” She stomped her foot. “I spend over a week taking Anthropology just so I could find an alien, and the then I miss the whole thing?! The darn thing just attacks as soon as I leave the room!? That’s so-”
Her mouth couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too busy being kissed by Rory.
He pulled back, cradling her head in his hands. “I couldn’t find you. The Doctor and I- we fought the- and then afterward I couldn’t find you and I thought -” He threw his arms around her, burying his face in her hair.
“I’m okay,” Amy said soothingly. “I’m fine.”
They stood like that for awhile longer before Amy pulled back. “Wait a minute. I’m mad at you!” She pushed him away and pouted at him.
“What?” Rory was confused. “For fighting the alien without you?”
“No!” Amy said. “Well, yes. But more than that. Much more than that.”
“I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
“You know. Playing study buddy and sharing your notes with Miss Big Brown Eyed Over Achiever!”
“What?”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice. I noticed. Jeff and I both noticed.”
“You mean, Jeff who, at this moment is being very publicly affectionate with Annie on the other side of the room?” He gestured over to where Annie and Jeff were still holding onto each other tightly on the floor.
Amy deflated a bit but, stubborn as ever, refused to back down. “Yes. We noticed you two. Sharing notes. And other things.”
“We were sitting an entire foot away from each other!”
“The Phlastiflorax mate from across the room!”
“….we’re not Phlastiflorax.”
“I’m just saying!”
“You were jealous!?”
“….yes.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“You were giving me plenty of reason to be!”
“Do you want to know what I was doing with Annie?”
Amy crossed her arms defiantly. “I think I deserve that much.”
“I was getting a copy of her ridiculously detailed Anthropology notes so that I could go back to the TARDIS tonight to help you study for the exam!”
“….oh.”
“Yeah.”
They stared at each other silently for a few moments, Amy ashamed and not wanting to admit it, Rory silently seething.
“I can’t believe you would think that I’d-!” Rory finally exploded. “I married you Amy! I waited 2,000 years for you!”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“…I know.”
Rory sighed. “Amy.” He walked forward, wrapping his arms around her, pressing his forehead to hers. “You are impossible.”
“I know.”
“And I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
Amy beamed at him before pulling him forward by his collar and kissing him.
“You’re all slimy.” She said when they broke apart.
“Do you mind?”
“Not as much as all that.”
They smiled at each other as the Doctor approached, clapping them both on the shoulder. “Well, Ponds, our work here is done. Amelia, you missed your husband in a rather impressive act of heroics.”
“I’m sorry I missed it,” she said to Rory. Then, to the Doctor, “Really, really sorry. While you two were fighting the alien menace, I was watching a hackey sack tournament in the quad.”
The Doctor winced. “I am sorry, Amy. I promise, next time we’ll try to wait.” His face lit up with a smile. “Well then, where to now? I could take you to see some rather impressive tribal war ceremonies on this little moon-”
“Actually, Doctor,” Amy said, her eyes locking on Rory’s. “We’ve been saving the universe so much the past few months that… we haven’t really taken a honeymoon.”
“Honeymoon?” The Doctor parroted, as though the concept was foreign to him.
“Yes, you know. Newlyweds, luxurious vacation…honeymoon.”
“Oh…. honeymoon. Right,” the Doctor said, smiling fondly at his companions. “Right then.” He turned, walking back toward the TARDIS, with Amy and Rory following. “I could take you to this planet I know where the sand on the beaches is pink and smells of grapefruit…”
Abed watched the trio go. “Time and space travelers. I was so close.”
THE END
Author: greta_garbo
Fandom: Doctor Who and Community (Crossover! Whee!)
Pairings: Amy/Rory, Jeff/Annie
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 3484
Summary: There's an alien at Greendale. Amy and Rory help the Doctor hunt it. And by "help hunt it" I mean "take classes at GCC".
Disclaimers: What's gonna happen if I say I do own them?
Notes: Not sure how happy I am with this. I've written many Community fics, but this is my first ever Who fic, and while I think the two go well together, I'm not sure how well I made them go together. I don't know if I got Amy and Rory right at all.
“Is this really what university is like?” Amy asked as she looked around the campus of Greendale Community College. “Well, I am certainly glad I decided not to go.”
Rory shook his head, a little dumbfounded. “No, university back in England was…different. Better than this. This is… I don’t even know.” He grasped Amy’s hand desperately as he looked around. “Is this what all America universities are like?”
“You mean desperate, a little pathetic and… bizarre?” Amy supplied.
“Yeah.”
The continued to walk the grounds, taking in the feeling of the school. There was short Asian man with some kind of strange piano/guitar hybrid sitting in the grass, playing his instrument poorly, while a group of what looked like hippies watched with disapproval. An old man in a track team uniform ran past them nearly knocking over a man whose sideburns were shaped as stars.
“The Doctor’s sure this is 2010?” Rory questioned. “Maybe his math was wrong. Maybe this is some kind of dystopian society in the not-too-distant future.”
They walked past the baseball diamond and stopped to watch the end of the game. The home team won, and the team and the crowd began to chant “Human Beings! Human Beings!” while a person dressed from head to toe in grey latex stumbled around like a blind man.
“’Human Beings’? Wait, their team mascot is a human being?’ Rory was confused. “Isn’t a mascot supposed to be an animal of some kind? Oh my god. What if this isn’t Earth at all? This must be some strange planet full of aliens who look human but aren’t, and who keep real humans as pets!” He began to panic. “Amy, we have to get out of here! If they find out we’re really human… we have to get back to the TARDIS now!”
He grabbed her hand and tried to run away, but was stopped by Amy’s not moving-ness. “But…” she said, trying to be reasonable. She pointed at the gray thing, who was performing some kind of victory dance, facing away from the crowd. “That’s the mascot. And it doesn’t look like a human. It looks like… Oh! It looks like those aliens that tried to burn us at the stake for having noses!”
“Wait… so these humanoid aliens think that the Cryllolaks are humans?” Rory was having a hard time keeping up.
Amy was getting impatient. “No,” she said in her Rory, you’re sweet, but sometimes you can be really daft voice. “I don’t think this is another planet and I don’t think it’s the future. I think it’s just… America.”
They both shivered in disgust. “We should probably just make sure,” Rory said, intercepting a Middle Eastern looking guy on the sidewalk. “This might seem like a weird question, but what year is it?”
The guy seemed to consider the question for a moment. Then he said, very seriously, “It wouldn’t be a weird question if you were time travelers.” He regarded Amy and Rory for a moment before saying, “2010.” Then he continued on his way.
Rory and Amy stared after him for a moment before Amy said, “D’you think he’s the alien we’re looking for.”
“Don’t be mean, Amy.”
----------------
A few pieces of psychic paper later, and Amy and Rory were enrolled at Greendale Community College as foreign exchange students.
The dean seemed so excited by the prospect of exchange students that he didn’t seem to remember that he’d never organized such a thing.
Amy was pretty sure that alien hunting wasn’t supposed to be this boring. It was supposed to be sneaking around and getting tossed into prison and running for your life. Pretty much what every day with the Doctor had been up to this point.
But right now she and Rory were taking classes and eating in the cafeteria and doing homework.
It went on this way for a week, with no end in sight. Nothing she had done with the Doctor had ever taken this long.
When she mentioned it to the Doctor, he just made a very grave face and talked very cryptically about the alien threat and then cursed under his breath about clever aliens hiding so well, and then he waved Amy and Rory off, wishing them a good day of education and matriculation.
“Ugh!” Amy burst out, slamming her text book shut. She and Rory were sitting on the floor in the TARDIS library, doing their homework, while the doctor stood on a very dangerous looking ladder, going through some very old looking books which were apparently from a planet far, far, away and possibly held some kind of secret about smoking out the alien threat they were after.
“This is ridiculous!” she shouted. “Shouldn’t we be out there, looking for this alien, rather than sitting in here, doing homework?”
“Nothing we can do right now,” the Doctor mumbled distractedly, thumbing through one of his books.
Realizing that yelling at the Doctor wasn’t going to get her anywhere, Amy turned to Rory. “Why are we working so hard? We’re not real students anyway. Who cares if we fail all of our classes?”
“We’re supposed to be exchange students, Amy,” Rory argued. “We’re supposed to be good students. People will get suspicious if we start bombing our classes.”
“We could blame it on culture shock!”
“Amy…”
“I just…. GAH! I can’t do this anymore. Anthropology is just… it’s hard! It’s hard, okay? It’s hard, and I don’t want to do it anymore.”
Rory sighed. “Anthropology is hard,” he acquiesced.
“So let’s just stop trying!”
“Oi!” The Doctor said from his spot from above them. “Never stop trying! Stopping trying is giving up, and that won’t do. That won’t do at all.”
Amy glared hard at him while Rory tried to present a solution. “There is that study group.”
“What?”
“You know, that strange little study group. The one that the old guy and the scary blonde are in. And they all seem to be doing pretty well in the class. Oh, and that really smart brunette is in it, too!”
“Which one?”
“You know, the one who sits in the front. The one who always asks questions. You know, with the pretty eyes.”
Amy narrowed her eyes at her husband. “You’ve been noticing her eyes, now, have you?”
“What?” Rory wasn’t sure how this conversation had take this turn this quickly. “Wait. What? No. I mean, you asked which one and… she just… her eyes are… you know… large… and…”
“And pretty?”
“Um…. No?”
“If you didn’t think that they’re pretty then why did you say they were pretty?”
“I…. I don’t think there’s any way I can answer that question without making you angry.”
Amy glared, but said. “Fine. We’ll join pretty eyed study group.”
“Wait…” the Doctor said. “Does the study group have pretty eyes or does the girl have pretty eyes. Because if the study group has pretty eyes….” he flipped through a few pages. “Oh, never mind. It couldn’t possibly be the Frell, oxygen kills them.” He returned to his books, ignoring Amy and Rory.
Amy was still glaring.
--------
The gang wasn’t thrilled about having new members.
They were naturally wary of taking on new members after the whole Buddy situation. Not only were they worried about throwing off the flow they’d managed to develop, but there was also always the possibility of taking in crazy people. And the foreigners… they were a little a strange. And it wasn’t just the accents. They always seemed to be sneaking around, looking for something, and they seemed to spend a lot of time in that weird blue box that was just around the corner from the school.
Troy had also had a mild panic attack when Rory had had to pull up a chair from another table, completely throwing off the balance, having three people on one side of the table while the rest only had two.
And the fact that there already seemed to be tension between the two newcomers did no favors for the group in general. As soon as she had entered the room, Amy rushed to take the seat between Jeff and Annie, tossing Rory a warning and agitated look, while Rory rolled his eyes and tried to look contrite at the same time.
Neither noticed that Jeff and Annie didn’t look too happy at Amy sitting in between them.
The only one who seemed excited at all was Abed.
“You guys know Amy and Rory, right?” he said, flicking his index finger back and forth between Amy and Rory, who was sitting between himself and Britta.
The group made unexcited noises of confirmation.
The first ten minutes of studying went by relatively quietly. Annie would ask study questions, and Amy would only glare slightly when Rory answered them.
Then they got into the section discussing marriage and things went to hell.
“The Mormons have the right idea,” Pierce said. “If I had been able to just keep getting married, I probably wouldn’t have been divorced seven times.”
“You’re assuming your wives wanted to stay married to you, Pierce,” Jeff said.
“Well, Mormons don’t do that anymore, right, Troy?” Shirley asked.
“I told you!” Troy said in frustration, “I’m Jehovah’s Witness! It’s not the same thing.”
“Guys! I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about religion anymore!” Britta said.
The started to get back on track after that, until Britta decided she needed to go on a feminist rant about marriage traditions that went out of style centuries ago.
“Of course the male dominated society thinks that it’s perfectly fine to marry their women off for an acre of land on a goat!”
“Some cultures just marry off the goat,” Amy said thoughtfully. “Though it wasn’t so much a goat as it was a goat/cow mix. And it really did seem to be happy to be getting married.”
The study group stared at her in confusion.
“Amy…” Rory said carefully.
Realizing where she was and who she was with, she laughed tightly. “I was kidding!”
“Oh, so you think chauvinistic oppression is funny?” Britta asked, ready for a fight.
The rest of the group groaned.
“I’m pretty sure that soap box is getting tired of your animal friendly boots treading all over it, Britta,” Jeff said.
“Maybe we should get back to studying,” Annie tried.
“I agree completely,” Rory said.
“You would,” Amy grumbled.
------
Amy Pond (now Williams) frequently acted on impulse. Sometimes it led to wonderful things, like traveling with the Doctor, or saving a Star Whale. And sometimes it led to… less great things. Like getting sucked into the earth and being held captive by subterranean lizard people.
She wasn’t sure if flirting with Jeff Winger was good impulsive or bad impulsive.
But Rory kept answering Pretty Eye’s questions, and agreeing with her thoughts that they should actually study.
And now he was sitting in the cafeteria with Pretty Eyes, Anthropology books open, doing some of their precious studying. Sure, they were sitting across from each other at a respectable distance, and anyone watching would think that it was nothing more than two classmates sharing notes. But Amy knew better. The people of Phlastiflorax mated with each other from across a ten meter room. She had seen it. So, yeah, sitting a foot away from each other at a table… not as innocent as it looked. She was sure of it.
So she plopped herself and her lunch tray down next to Jeff Winger and plastered on her best seductive smile.
Jeff Winger seemed to be totally unresponsive.
She backed off a bit, deciding to start a little simpler. “Interesting looking food,” she said. “I’ve seen an awful lot of strange food sludges - really, you wouldn’t believe how many - but nothing… quite like this.”
“It’s the Mystery Meat Sampler,” Jeff explained dully. “On Fridays they talk all the meant they’ve used throughout the week and just kind of mash it together.”
Amy’s stomach turned a bit. She’d been on planets with some pretty questionable foods, but… this might be the worst.
“So,” she tried again. “Anthropology’s not quite as fun as I expected it to be.” She looked over at Jeff, but he merely shrugged. “I kind of just want to skip all this boring ‘marriage’ stuff and get to the mating rituals,” she said lowly, smirking.
No response. He just kept looking down at his food.
I’ve lost it. Amy thought. I’ve completely lost it. Getting married has just made me completely unappealing to other men. Or, oh god, maybe I inhaled something on some planet or something. Maybe I have some sort of Unattractive To the Male Species Infection.
And then Jeff’s miserable gaze slipped from his food to the table across the cafeteria where her husband and Pretty Eyes were sitting.
Oh.
Oh!
Ha!
“Are you shagging the big eyes brunette, then?” Amy squealed, torn between delight and annoyance.
“What?”
“Don’t be coy, you know what I’m talking about.”
“I really don’t. You’re in the colonies now, Benny Hill, try speaking American.”
“Benny Hill? I’m Scottish!”
“It all sounds the same to these ears.”
“Whatever! Are you having it off with her?”
“What does that mean?”
Amy lost patience. “Screwing! Are you screwing her?”
Jeff’s eyes grew wide. “Keep your voice down! You Europeans have no sense of propriety.”
“You are, then!” Amy said, quieter, but triumphant. “Oh, I get it. You’re trying to keep it on the down low.”
“No!” Jeff says. “We’re not ‘shagging’ or ‘having it off’ or ‘eating pudding in the parlor’ or whatever.”
“What?”
“It’s not like that with me and Annie.”
“Well you sure do look pretty unhappy that she’s spending quality time with my husband.”
“You two are married? God, no wonder you seem so miserable.”
“We’re not miserable!”
Jeff raised his eyebrows in skepticism.
“I’m just…” Amy tried to explain. “I’m…. mad because I don’t want to be here right now when there are so many other amazing places we could be, and he seems to be perfectly happy taking Anthropology and flirting with your girlfriend.”
“She’s not my girlfriend!”
“Well maybe if you did something about that she’d stop making eyes at my husband.” She picked up her tray of disturbing meat mash and stormed away.
-------------------------
The rather large alien had exploded into an even larger blob of slimy green goo, which then exploded all over the cafeteria, and more specifically, all over the people in the cafeteria.
The Doctor was standing there triumphantly, his sonic screwdriver in one hand and a meat mash and green goo covered spatula in the other. “Of course! Of course it was gestating in the cafeteria of an American school! It’s genetic makeup was so similar to that of the mysterious meat mash that I couldn’t detect it!” He smiled in appreciation of his adversary’s cleverness. “And Rory!” he exclaimed, not bothering to try to find his companion in the crowd of confused students. “Good thinking, using the cold from the freezers to keep it at bay. I never thought you were actually listening during my lectures. Now that I know that you were…”
The Doctor continued talking, completely unaware that Rory wasn’t hearing a word of it. He was too busy flying through the cafeteria in a panic, looking for Amy. After looking under his fifth overturned table, he began to panic.
“Doctor? Doctor?! I can’t find Amy!”
The Doctor was too busy analyzing the goo to pay Rory much mind.
“Have you guys seen Amy?” Rory asked a disoriented Jeff and Annie.
Jeff shook his head as Rory ran off. He turned his attention back to Annie, who was sitting on the floor, holding her head gently. “Are you okay?” he asked, scanning her for injuries.
“That was an alien,” Annie said, sounding vaguely like she might lose it.
“Yeah,” Jeff said, not quite believing it himself, but more concerned with the possibility of Anne being injured.
“That was an alien,” she repeated. “And… It came up from beneath the cafeteria… and it tried to eat us.”
“Yeah.”
“And then Rory like… completely forgot that I existed and he… he FOUGHT that thing. Him and that… weird guy with the laser pointer.”
“Yeah.”
“And then you…” her face softened. “You shielded me. You have green goo all over you and I don’t because you shielded me.”
Jeff just shrugged, embarrassed.
“Jeff! That thing ate Starburns! And you would have let it eat you before it could get to me.”
“It probably wasn’t the best thought out plan in the world-”
His mouth couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too busy being kissed by Annie.
On the other side of the cafeteria Rory was in full on panic mode… when Amy walked through the door.
She stopped, looked around, her face contorting with disbelief. “You have to be kidding me!” She stomped her foot. “I spend over a week taking Anthropology just so I could find an alien, and the then I miss the whole thing?! The darn thing just attacks as soon as I leave the room!? That’s so-”
Her mouth couldn’t finish the sentence. It was too busy being kissed by Rory.
He pulled back, cradling her head in his hands. “I couldn’t find you. The Doctor and I- we fought the- and then afterward I couldn’t find you and I thought -” He threw his arms around her, burying his face in her hair.
“I’m okay,” Amy said soothingly. “I’m fine.”
They stood like that for awhile longer before Amy pulled back. “Wait a minute. I’m mad at you!” She pushed him away and pouted at him.
“What?” Rory was confused. “For fighting the alien without you?”
“No!” Amy said. “Well, yes. But more than that. Much more than that.”
“I don’t understand what you’re talking about.”
“You know. Playing study buddy and sharing your notes with Miss Big Brown Eyed Over Achiever!”
“What?”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice. I noticed. Jeff and I both noticed.”
“You mean, Jeff who, at this moment is being very publicly affectionate with Annie on the other side of the room?” He gestured over to where Annie and Jeff were still holding onto each other tightly on the floor.
Amy deflated a bit but, stubborn as ever, refused to back down. “Yes. We noticed you two. Sharing notes. And other things.”
“We were sitting an entire foot away from each other!”
“The Phlastiflorax mate from across the room!”
“….we’re not Phlastiflorax.”
“I’m just saying!”
“You were jealous!?”
“….yes.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“You were giving me plenty of reason to be!”
“Do you want to know what I was doing with Annie?”
Amy crossed her arms defiantly. “I think I deserve that much.”
“I was getting a copy of her ridiculously detailed Anthropology notes so that I could go back to the TARDIS tonight to help you study for the exam!”
“….oh.”
“Yeah.”
They stared at each other silently for a few moments, Amy ashamed and not wanting to admit it, Rory silently seething.
“I can’t believe you would think that I’d-!” Rory finally exploded. “I married you Amy! I waited 2,000 years for you!”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“…I know.”
Rory sighed. “Amy.” He walked forward, wrapping his arms around her, pressing his forehead to hers. “You are impossible.”
“I know.”
“And I wouldn’t have you any other way.”
Amy beamed at him before pulling him forward by his collar and kissing him.
“You’re all slimy.” She said when they broke apart.
“Do you mind?”
“Not as much as all that.”
They smiled at each other as the Doctor approached, clapping them both on the shoulder. “Well, Ponds, our work here is done. Amelia, you missed your husband in a rather impressive act of heroics.”
“I’m sorry I missed it,” she said to Rory. Then, to the Doctor, “Really, really sorry. While you two were fighting the alien menace, I was watching a hackey sack tournament in the quad.”
The Doctor winced. “I am sorry, Amy. I promise, next time we’ll try to wait.” His face lit up with a smile. “Well then, where to now? I could take you to see some rather impressive tribal war ceremonies on this little moon-”
“Actually, Doctor,” Amy said, her eyes locking on Rory’s. “We’ve been saving the universe so much the past few months that… we haven’t really taken a honeymoon.”
“Honeymoon?” The Doctor parroted, as though the concept was foreign to him.
“Yes, you know. Newlyweds, luxurious vacation…honeymoon.”
“Oh…. honeymoon. Right,” the Doctor said, smiling fondly at his companions. “Right then.” He turned, walking back toward the TARDIS, with Amy and Rory following. “I could take you to this planet I know where the sand on the beaches is pink and smells of grapefruit…”
Abed watched the trio go. “Time and space travelers. I was so close.”
THE END