I like the building tension and the sense that both we and Jaime know what's going on, even though he doesn't want to admit it. :)
Having read all (so far) three parts, I would maybe tidy up a little around the intro; it takes a couple paragraphs to know what's going on, and it's not quite as quickly-paced as things get later. Perhaps a touch less description?
I like the sense of mystery, and the twist as now there's two sides to this, as well as whoever the mystery "benefactor" turns out to be. :)
Hi Jem-- Sorry I'm so slow to answer here. Thank you-- again!-- for the thoughtful feedback. I have no idea what I'm going to do with this one, but I'm having fun with it. I'll just keep throwing stuff up here I guess until I figure it out. ;)
No worries, I know you're probably super busy offline -- it's that time of year. You're welcome! Lol, that works -- I've done it myself. Eventually the story gets around to telling you.
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Having read all (so far) three parts, I would maybe tidy up a little around the intro; it takes a couple paragraphs to know what's going on, and it's not quite as quickly-paced as things get later. Perhaps a touch less description?
I like the sense of mystery, and the twist as now there's two sides to this, as well as whoever the mystery "benefactor" turns out to be. :)
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