Title: Penumbra Prompt: "I Love You" Genre: Fiction, paranormal Rating: R Word Count: Approx 1600 Warning: Sexuality, fairly explicit, quasi-non-consensual ( Read more... )
I'm so pleased to have creeped you out--lol! Yes, I suppose the description has been laid on a tad thick. I was goin' for the Gothic. Now, as to which of my "darlings" to kill...? More to ponder. ;o) Thank you, Thora.
Do you mind Keppie!!! This house is creepy enough at night... and now. golly shall have to get out - no I won't I shall join Rebecca!!!
It's lovely ghost story at one level, but at the other, it's such a desire to be loved deep down in Rebecca's soul, (so is it her mind that makes the ghost, or is a real ghost?.) It's the desire for love for everyone... but she is lucky (?) to find hers. I wish her luck with 'him'. (But I shall hang a bit of garlic behind my closed door tonight!!!! Love you, sorry can't be such a wonderful ghost as him! Your blue.
I'm very pleased that it feel s a little uncertain whether Rebecc'as lonely heart created her shadow lover or if he really exists. But I'm not Keppie-- I'm GreenWillow. Is this a case of mistaken identity? Thank you for the feedback, though!
So sorry - had just been over to Keppie's and found I'd already read and commented, then went to you... and brain didn't keep up!!!
Many apologies. Do YOU know if Rebecca's ghost was her mind, wishful thinking or ... it's a greatly curious making story! Nice to have one that hangs in there and nudges!!
What a pretty icon too! Green willow fairy. Love the Flower Fairy series.
No problem at all-- I think I've done the same thing here, given the wrong feedback to a story even....=o/
I'm leaning toward the entity being a real ghost,one that inhabits the shadow world. Rebecca's uncle refuses to live there for larger reasons than his health, I think. He knows. Bwa ha!
I have an idea now for a much expanded story around this little bit. Have no idea when I might get to it, of course.
And thank you-- that green faerie has been my alter ego for a long time now. ;o)
Wow, this one has a really Victorian kind of feel about it. I honestly wonder what it was - if it was a ghost, or if it was in her head, or even if it was her uncle. There's a lot that isn't clear, but you have a strong grounding in physical details to make up for that.
Oh I'm glad the Victorian feeling came through. I definitely wanted to play with a dark, Gothic-y type tale. Does that sense of things being unclear leave it feeling unfinished do you think, or does it help the creepy? I can't tell, being up to my eyeballs in the gloom I was trying to paint--lol! Thank you for the feedback!
I really love the way you wrote the sexual parts of the story -- it was handled beautifully and written so nicely. You also did a good job with building up tension, especially with the last line of the first section.
Like Thora, I think that some of the description at the beginning of the piece slows the pacing, which cuts into some of the suspense that you create later on. But otherwise, this was a really imaginative entry -- good job this week!
Thank you so much for the comments. I agree, all that *stuff* at the start does slwo things down--especially to our 21st century sensibilities. I have to confess to being Under the (willing) Influence of a lot of Dickens and Wilkie Collins and that heavy-handed Victorian style. But you're right, and I'm thinking that as I continue to write in this era I need to temper the sytlistic influences with what we today consider good writing. Thank you!
EDIT from a non-editor, but would like to assist the poor Mods.bluegerlMarch 11 2012, 18:50:37 UTC
Josie the cook, [though] and she may have already retired to her room. of someone, something(,) there in take out the comma.
of the old room, listening, her book quiet in her hands [waiting .]
Here you could have a full stop. ... book quiet in her hands. Waiting... Then we know she is listening, not reading. Waiting.
Too slow[ly], it seemed to slow ... still two 'slows' too close!
Rebecca looked down at her book and knew she would have to light a lamp if she wanted to keep reading, but she made no move to do so.
This seems a bit ponderous. you could say 'and knew she should light a lamp, but she made no move....' as the reader knows its getting dark, and Rebecca is hardly 'reading'!! Nice heavyweight shadows descending.. really dark ones. Good!!
the seconds in achingly slow,{try 'hesitant'} half-time beats
madness, or if {simply} the repression of her grief might do the same. If you keep the 'simply' in it implies that the grief wasn't all that difficult to deal with - simply... to repress grief sounds a lot
( ... )
Comments 15
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Yes, I suppose the description has been laid on a tad thick. I was goin' for the Gothic. Now, as to which of my "darlings" to kill...?
More to ponder. ;o)
Thank you, Thora.
Reply
It's lovely ghost story at one level, but at the other, it's such a desire to be loved deep down in Rebecca's soul, (so is it her mind that makes the ghost, or is a real ghost?.) It's the desire for love for everyone... but she is lucky (?) to find hers. I wish her luck with 'him'. (But I shall hang a bit of garlic behind my closed door tonight!!!! Love you, sorry can't be such a wonderful ghost as him! Your blue.
Reply
But I'm not Keppie-- I'm GreenWillow. Is this a case of mistaken identity?
Thank you for the feedback, though!
Reply
Many apologies. Do YOU know if Rebecca's ghost was her mind, wishful thinking or ... it's a greatly curious making story! Nice to have one that hangs in there and nudges!!
What a pretty icon too! Green willow fairy. Love the Flower Fairy series.
Reply
I'm leaning toward the entity being a real ghost,one that inhabits the shadow world. Rebecca's uncle refuses to live there for larger reasons than his health, I think. He knows. Bwa ha!
I have an idea now for a much expanded story around this little bit. Have no idea when I might get to it, of course.
And thank you-- that green faerie has been my alter ego for a long time now. ;o)
Reply
Reply
Does that sense of things being unclear leave it feeling unfinished do you think, or does it help the creepy? I can't tell, being up to my eyeballs in the gloom I was trying to paint--lol!
Thank you for the feedback!
Reply
Like Thora, I think that some of the description at the beginning of the piece slows the pacing, which cuts into some of the suspense that you create later on. But otherwise, this was a really imaginative entry -- good job this week!
Reply
Thank you!
Reply
Josie the cook, [though] and she may have already retired to her room.
of someone, something(,) there in take out the comma.
of the old room, listening, her book quiet in her hands [waiting .]
Here you could have a full stop. ... book quiet in her hands. Waiting... Then we know she is listening, not reading. Waiting.
Too slow[ly], it seemed to slow ... still two 'slows' too close!
Rebecca looked down at her book and knew she would have to light a lamp if she wanted to keep reading, but she made no move to do so.
This seems a bit ponderous. you could say 'and knew she should light a lamp, but she made no move....' as the reader knows its getting dark, and Rebecca is hardly 'reading'!! Nice heavyweight shadows descending.. really dark ones. Good!!
the seconds in achingly slow,{try 'hesitant'} half-time beats
madness, or if {simply} the repression of her grief might do the same. If you keep the 'simply' in it implies that the grief wasn't all that difficult to deal with - simply... to repress grief sounds a lot ( ... )
Reply
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