Pr0ntober entry #4: "Once a bloodsucker, always a bloodsucker."
Title: Revenge of the Horror Geeks
Author: GreenFish
Series: The Chronicles of Bruce Campbell
Fandom / Pairing: The Office [US]/RPF; Jim/Pam, Pam/Bruce
Rating: T
Word Count: 6,340
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I definitely don't own Bruce Campbell. But hey, Bruce -- if you're ever bored, I can tell you where to find me. (Just don't tell my husband I said that. Hee hee.) Seriously, though. This is just written for fun. No monies are being made. Please do not sue.
Summary: Pam and Jim go to a horror convention. She's hiding a secret obsession that Jim is dying to figure out.
Author's Note: This entire series idea came from singularity. The prompt for this one was: "Bruce/Pam and Michael as a zombie." Two down, buddy.
===
"Pam. You never told me you were a horror movie fan."
"I'm not ... really. Exactly."
"Right," Jim said, making a face. "Because if I recall correctly, you once told me that you rented '28 Days Later' by accident, thinking it was the Sandra Bullock movie, '28 Days' ..."
"This may be true," Pam said.
"So, please explain to me why you want to attend this Fangoria Convention that they're holding at the Radisson this weekend."
"Um," Pam said.
"I know this has got to be good. You're turning red." Jim smirked, pushing back a lock of her curly hair. She started blushing even more.
"I don't want to talk about it," Pam said.
"You're going to end up telling me eventually, you realize."
"Maybe," Pam said. "Or maybe I won't bring you to the convention with me."
"C'mon now," Jim sighed. "That's no fun for me." He came up behind her desk chair, rubbing her shoulders. "Plus, you promised me we'd hang out this weekend." After a pause, he added, "You just didn't mention it'd be you, me, and a bunch of geeks at a convention."
"You're definitely not going now," Pam said, standing up. She turned to him, putting a pout on. "And not everyone that goes is a huge geek. And maybe we have certain reasons for wanting to go."
"See, now I definitely want to know. Are you secretly in love with Jason Voorhies? Do you have fantasies about Freddy Kruger? Tell me," he whined as she started to walk away from him.
"For the last time, I'm not talking about it," she said, the door to the kitchen almost swinging into his face.
===
"Michael. I know you're depressed about Jan moving out, but I know the perfect way to meet some serious hotties." Andy sat in front of Michael's desk, flexing his fingers back and forth rapidly. It was kind of distracting to Michael.
"What?" he asked.
"Hotties," Andy repeated. "We are going to get you some poo-tang this weekend."
"Poo-tang?" Michael asked. "Does anyone say that anymore? I thought the current term was 'totty' these days."
"Where did you hear that?" Andy asked.
===
"Urban dictionary," Michael explained to the camera. "I get a new word every day, and therefore, I'm on top of what the current word-trends are." He pulled out a piece of paper. "Today's word was: 'bootsy,' which means 'bad or wretched.' The example they give is, 'That history assignment is hecksa bootsy, man!'" Michael looked up thoughtfully. "Hmm. Bootsy. I wonder if Darryl knows that one."
===
"Never mind," Michael said. "Just -- where are we going to find these totties, anyway?"
"Well, there's a horror convention in town, and you know what that means..." Andy said, grinning.
"No, I have no idea what that means."
"Hot, slutty vampire chicks. Duh."
"Oooh," Michael said, his eyes going wide. He thought for a second. "Wait -- do they really drink human blood? 'Cause I don't want to wake up with half the blood sucked out of me or something."
"No," Andy said. "But you might want to invest in some concealer or something." He leaned forward. "They tend to give some nasty hickeys."
===
"Pamela, I understand you are attending the Fangoria Horror Convention this weekend." Dwight sat across from her in the break room, where she was tightly clutching a ceramic mug.
"Yes," she said tersely.
"I just didn't ... see you as a horror fan. I am attending as well. I was curious if we were going for the same reasons."
"I doubt it," Pam said, not looking up at him. "I'm only going to get something signed."
"A book?" Dwight asked. "Whose? Bernie Wrightson? Gris Grimley? Voltaire? No ... wait, you don't seem like a goth fan."
"No, I'm not. And like I told Jim, I don't want to talk about it."
"Well," Dwight said, standing up stiffly again. "Perhaps I might see you there."
"Sure," Pam said.
===
Michael sat on a stool next to the breakfast bar in Andy's apartment kitchen. A large array of face-paint crayons and tubes were spread across the countertop.
"Where did you get all this stuff, anyway?" Michael asked as Andy worked to apply a gray paint to Michael's face.
"I was on the Drama Squad at Cornell, the university I attended. I was in charge of special-effects make-up, so..." Andy tilted Michael's head. "Hold still now. I want to really make this look like rotting flesh."
"What are we going as, again?"
"Zombies," Andy said. "Slutty vampire chicks love zombies. Don't ask me why, but it works every time."
===
"Now are you going to tell me why you really wanted to come?" Jim asked as they paid for the tickets in the lobby of the Radisson.
"No," Pam said, clutching her purse lightly. She'd stowed her item in there so Jim wouldn't see it and make fun of her. "And if you keep it up, you're definitely not staying over tonight."
"That is just cold, Beesly. You're pure ice."
They walked into the Scranton Ballroom, and both were taken aback by both the number of people there and the number of booths set up. It had been transformed into a dark, blacklight-heavy, horror-lover's paradise. Display cases full of merchandise were backlit with red lights, giving the vendor's booths an eerie feel, and everywhere she looked, Pam saw people with elaborate face make-up or masks. It reminded her of the brief period her younger brother had been obsessed with the band Slipknot. She wasn't really keen on walking around aimlessly for a while, because, honestly, she didn't exactly fit in with this crowd.
Still, she felt reluctant to ask anyone. She scanned the room briefly. She was so busy trying to figure out where the autograph signing was; she nearly bumped into someone. "Oh -- sorry," she said, looking up to see what appeared to be -- Dwight?
He had on a Hellraiser mask, but it appeared he had cut out some of the spikes so he could still wear his glasses over it. Only Dwight, Pam thought.
"Nice costume," she said, looking up at him.
"Thank you," Dwight said. "I see you two didn't bother to dress up."
"Well, we're not going to be here that long," Pam said. She clutched her purse again; making sure her package was still in there. She could feel the heavy outline of it against the nylon fabric.
"Oh, yeah. Your book signing." Dwight said. "You know all the book and autograph signings are in the Station Ballroom. You have to sign up for a time to get in line."
"Really?" Pam asked.
"Haven't you ever been to a convention before, Pam? They always make you do that," Dwight said.
"They don't appear to make masks that conform to your glasses, though," Jim said, smirking at Dwight.
"Ha, ha," Dwight said.
===
"I think managed to make it work," Dwight explained to the camera, straightening the glasses that sat atop his mask. "Unlike the Hellraiser, I do not have 20/20 vision. Although at times, I do derive some pleasure out of pain. I had a girlfriend that used to enjoy S&M occasionally." Dwight frowned. "She enjoyed ... dominating."
===
"Well," Pam said. "I'd better go sign up, then. Have fun."
"Say hi to Michael Myers for me if you see him," Jim said.
"You would pee your pants if you ever encountered the real Michael Myers, Jim," Dwight sneered.
"The guy from 'Wayne's World'?" Jim asked. "I mean, he's funny, but not that funny."
"That's not --" Dwight shook his head, and stalked off in the other direction.
Jim smirked, following Pam into the other ballroom. She was talking to one of the table attendants as he walked up.
"I'm sorry, you'll have to repeat that, miss. I couldn't hear you," the attendant said.
"I asked, 'Is this where I can sign up for the Bruce Campbell signing?'"
Jim's eyes went wide. Bruce Campbell? That's what she'd been so embarrassed about? He wondered why. He actually enjoyed the Evil Dead series quite a bit. He never knew she was a fan.
"Bruce Campbell, huh?" Jim asked, after she'd finished filling out a ticket for the signing.
Pam nearly jumped a foot off the ground. She turned around, clearly surprised. "You -- I didn't know you were there." Her cheeks were bright red.
"Apparently," Jim said. "I can't believe you were embarrassed about that. I like the Evil Dead trilogy, too."
"'Evil Dead'?" Pam asked. "I mean -- oh, yeah, Evil Dead, yeah. I don't know, I just, you know... it's kind of weird for girls to like that, I guess, so..."
"Wait," Jim said, interrupting her. "That's not why you like Bruce Campbell, is it?" He regarded her suspiciously. "What are you getting signed, anyway?"
"Nothing," Pam said quickly, hugging her purse to her body.
"Ah," Jim said. "It's in there, isn't it?" He started to reach for her purse. "C'mon, let me just see it." She struggled with him.
"No," she said.
Jim smiled. "I don't get why you're so defensive about this. I didn't get mad at you when you wanted to make fun of me for my Second Life character."
Pam made a face. "Yes, you did! You wouldn't even let me check it out. I thought Philly-Sportswriter-Jim was really cute."
"Well, maybe I'll think your thing is cute. Why don't you just show me?"
"Because," Pam said.
"C'mon. Show me." He reached for her purse again.
"Stop!" Pam said.
"C'mon, Pam. What are you so afraid --"
"Stop!" she said again, punching him lightly on the arm.
A guy in a huge werewolf costume stopped in front of them. "Ma'am?" he said. "Is everything okay?"
Pam looked at Jim quickly then up at the guy. "Yeah," she finally said. "It's -- nothing. We're fine."
The guy, who had at least six inches of height on Jim, looked at him carefully for a few seconds, before walking away.
"Well," Jim said. "Thank you for not getting me beat up today. Ma'am..." He chuckled lightly under his breath.
"If you weren't so curious, that wouldn't have even happened."
"I want to know everything about you, Pam," he said, smiling warmly at her. "And that includes all your embarrassing obsessions and crushes. I know you want to tell me."
Pam ignored him. "I could really use something to eat. Let's go get something, huh?"
===
"I think I've figured it out," Jim told the cameraman, who was waiting for him outside the men's bathroom. "She watched him on 'Xena: Warrior Princess,' and that's why she's too embarrassed to admit it. I mean, it wasn't really the best show ever, but Lucy Lawless was ... um..." Jim stopped himself, realizing what he was saying. "I mean, if that's it, who really cares? I don't know why she's so embarrassed about the whole thing, anyway."
===
"Dude. Four o'clock. Two vampire hotties by the Hot Topic booth."
Michael turned casually to check out the girls Andy was looking at. One was tall, blonde and pretty (she had kind of a crooked nose), and the other was shorter, slightly chubby, but had nice boobs and good skin. Tough call. But Michael really wanted the prettier one. "I call the skinny one," Michael said.
"Awe-some," Andy said. "I don't mind a lady with a little junk in the trunk. As long as they put out at the end of the night!"
Michael snorted. "That's what Packer always used to say." Except that Packer always used to claim the skinny ones. Well, now it was his day to choose.
"You ready to do this?" Andy asked, holding his fist out.
"Ready as I ever will be," Michael replied, bumping fists with him. Andy made that ridiculous 'exploding' noise, which Michael ignored. That joke was so last year. He started walking towards the girls, but stopped suddenly. Andy bumped into him. "C'mon," Michael said. "I told you not to follow so close."
"Sorry," Andy said.
"Listen, how do we do this? What do you say when you see them?"
"Oh, yes. I've got the perfect line. Drives the chicks wild." Andy cleared his throat, and in a low voice, said, "How'd you like to suck on some tender, cold flesh tonight?"
"That sounds disgusting."
"Sure, but they're into that sort of thing. Trust me."
Michael shrugged and followed Andy up to the girls. When Andy said the line to the chubby one, she looked at him kind of strangely, but then her skinny friend leaned down and whispered something into her ear.
"We're in!" Andy whispered to Michael.
Michael's eyes went wide as the skinny one said, "Listen. We've got a room and some booze upstairs. Meet us in 308 in an hour."
"Scoooo-re," Andy sang under his breath.
"You bet!" Michael said. Andy reached his hand out for a high five, but Michael was already walking away.
===
"Why did we agree to meet up with those two guys?" the skinny blond repeated to the cameraman. She glanced at her friend. "I don't know. The older one looked kind of hot in a mature sort-of way, I guess."
The shorter girl smirked. "They're the best-looking guys we've encountered all day, really." She looked back at the blonde. "I guess that doesn't say much."
===
By the time they got in line for the autograph signing, it was already late in the afternoon, and they had to wait another forty-five minutes to reach the front of the line. Pam was nervously shifting back and forth on either foot as they waited for the person in front of them to finish.
"You ready?" Jim asked, as the table opened up in front of them. Bruce Campbell -- the real Bruce Campbell -- stared expectantly at them as Pam timidly made her way forward; clinging onto her purse for dear life.
"Well, hello," Bruce said as she came up to the table. "What do you have for me to sign?"
Pam reached into her purse, staring over her shoulder at Jim, who was watching her curiously. She frowned at him, turning back to Bruce. "I -- I know this is a horror convention, and all, and this isn't really horror-related, but, I just wanted to say, I'm a really huge fan, and, I mean, I hope this isn't weird ..."
She pulled out a cardboard DVD box set and handed it over.
Bruce's face instantly lit up. "Brisco County Jr!" he said. "No one ever brings this up anymore." He turned back up to look at Pam. "You know, this was one of my favorite projects. I was so upset when it got cancelled. You really like this show?"
"Y-yeah," Pam stammered. "I mean, I know it's been a long time, but, like I said, I'm a huge fan, and --"
"I just want to say, Mr. Campbell, I really enjoyed your 'Evil Dead' series," Jim put in.
"Yeah, yeah," Bruce said, waving him off. He kept staring at Pam. "So, you really liked that show, huh?"
"Absolutely," Pam said. "The entire series was greatly underrated; it was like an interesting current social commentary with elements of the past and future -- your character had some of the best lines... I mean..."
Bruce scribbled a long note on the front cover of the DVD box. "What was your favorite episode?" he asked excitedly.
"Wow, I... shoot. Let me think."
Jim watched the two of them incredulously. The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr? This was Pam's big obsession?
The two of them were getting along like old friends who'd worked together. It was ... weird. Jim shifted uncomfortably on his feet.
"It's probably not the best episode, but one of my favorites had to be 'Pirates,' just because it was so fun, you know?"
"Yeah, that was a pretty good one," Bruce said, nodding. "I also liked the Riverboat episode--"
"Oh, I love that one!" Pam exclaimed. "You looked really good in that, um..." She trailed off suddenly, seeing Jim's expression out of the corner of her eye. She cleared her throat. "I mean..."
"Hey," Bruce said, leaning across the table. "I have to do this for about another hour, but, do you think, you know, you and your, uh--"
"Boyfriend," Jim interrupted, putting his arm around her.
"Ah," Bruce said, looking disappointed for a split second. He quickly recovered. "Uh -- do you think you two would like to meet me in the hotel lounge for a drink or two?"
"Really?" Pam asked, at the same time Jim said,
"Well, I don't know if..."
They both stopped, looking at each other. "What?" Pam asked. "Is there something else going on?"
"Well," Jim said, "no, but..."
"Than what? When else would we ever have a chance to hang out with Bruce Campbell?" She turned back to him. "Absolutely. We'll see you there around --" She grabbed Jim's arm so she could look at his watch. Jim grunted with surprise. "Six-thirty?"
"You got it," Bruce said, winking at her. "I really want to know what you thought about the series after Brisco defeated Bly."
"Oh, yeah -- definitely," Pam said, grinning widely. "I can't wait."
Jim tapped her arm. "We should probably, ah, let him get back to autographs, then -- he's got a long line of people behind him."
"Oh! Sorry, yeah, we'll uh -- meet you later, then?" she asked, still smiling.
"Wouldn't miss it for anything," Bruce said. Jim swore he winked at her again.
He frowned as they walked away. "I don't trust that guy," he said, avoiding her gaze.
"What?" Pam asked. "Why? I think it's awesome -- I can't believe he is going to hang out with us. This is ... unbelievable. I couldn't have imagined, I mean..."
"That's the thing," Jim said, pulling her aside out in the hallway. "Why would someone like Bruce Campbell want to hang out with us? I mean, we're no one, and -- I don't know. He really, um..." Jim hesitated, not knowing how to put it. "I mean, he seemed to have a thing for you, or something."
"What?" Pam asked again. "No ... no way. He's Bruce Campbell. He does not have a thing for me."
"I'm telling you, Pam, he was looking at you -- he winked at you twice!"
"Jim," Pam said, standing up tall to kiss him lightly on the cheek. "You have nothing to worry about. He obviously is just proud of his work on Brisco County Jr., and no one probably ever talks to him about it." She started grinning again. "This is ... so incredible. I can't believe it!"
"Hmm," Jim said, as she took his hand.
===
"Holy crap," Michael said as they crawled out of the hotel room, their shirts missing; trailing rope around their ankles that they hadn't been able to unknot. "That was ... close."
"Yeah -- luckily, that's not the first time that's happened to me. I could tell when things were --" Andy made a face, "-- going south."
"You've been mugged by slutty vampire chicks before?"
"Well, technically, last time, they were alien-chicks..."
"Alien chicks?" Michael asked, alarmed. He sat up against the wall, yanking at the knots around his ankles. "Damn, that big girl really tied these tight."
"Let me," Andy sighed. He bent down, picking one of the knots. After a second, he shrugged and said, "Creepy large eyes."
"What?"
"Alien chicks -- creepy large eyes. Kind of freaked me out."
Michael chuckled. "Oh -- yeah," he said. "Actually, the whole neck thing was kind of weird. I think my girl was actually trying to break skin."
"Huh," Andy said.
"Jan broke skin once."
Andy continued to work at the knot.
"Of course, it wasn't on my neck, either." Michael frowned.
===
They arrived at the hotel bar right at 6:30 pm. Bruce was already waiting for them in a corner booth; an empty rocks glass in front of him, and another half-empty glass in his hand. Jim looked at Pam wearily as they headed in his direction, but she didn't seem to be paying attention to him. She smiled brightly in Bruce's direction, clutching the DVD box set in her hands.
Jim rolled his eyes.
===
"Do I trust Bruce Campbell? You know, as a long-time fan of the 'Evil Dead' series, I want to say yes..." Jim glanced upwards, then back at the camera. "But... as a guy who saw the way he looked at my girlfriend -- no, no, I don't trust him."
===
"Well, hello again," Bruce said as they approached the table. Pam sat down across from him. Jim cautiously sat next to her, his eyes flitting back and forth between Bruce and Pam.
"Hi," Pam said, grinning shyly.
"I... don't think I caught your name earlier, by the way."
"Pam," she said, holding out her hand.
As Bruce shook it tenderly, Jim stuck his hand out quickly, almost in front of hers. "Jim," he said.
Bruce glanced over at him, almost as an afterthought. "Ah," he said, reluctantly letting go of Pam's hand to shake Jim's.
"So..." Pam said. "You were asking me what I thought about Brisco after he defeated Bly, right?"
"Yeah," Bruce said, turning back to her.
Jim couldn't help but notice that his hands remained on the table, dangerously close to where Pam was gesturing enthusiastically. Jim flagged down the waitress. "Do you think we could get a couple drinks, here?"
===
"Bruce?" Pam asked, standing in front of the ladies' room door. "Bruce is ... amazing. I mean, who knew that a celebrity could be so friendly, and so easy to talk to? It's like a dream come true."
She thought for a second.
"Not that I've ever dreamed about this." She pursed her lips. "I mean..."
===
"No interviews, please," Bruce said, breezing by the camera on the way back to the table.
===
"So then I said -- 'Just because you've made three Spiderman movies doesn't mean you're all that,' right?"
Jim started laughing out loud. He was starting to think that maybe he had misjudged Bruce Campbell. Honestly, the guy was a pretty good conversationalist, and, in retrospect, he really couldn't blame the guy for hitting on Pam. After all, she was hot. Really hot. So hot, sometimes he was amazed she was even his girlfriend.
And besides, Jim thought, it wasn't like Pam was going to do anything. She wasn't the type of person that cheated on her boyfriends. Well: except that one time. With him. But, really. That didn't count. Right? Roy was an idiot. And she had said "no" at the time, anyway. Wait. Why was he even arguing this point? How was this relevant again?
"You know," Bruce continued, "I don't get why he's gotta be such an asshole, anyway. I mean, we made the Evil Dead movies for, like, nothing. I was mixing stage blood with molasses in buckets in that blasted cabin in Tennessee in-between scenes while it was thirty degrees out with no heat, you know? I don't know..." he moaned, downing another glass of whiskey. "Waitress?" he called out. He pointed to his glass.
"Get me one, too," Jim said.
Sure, Jim thought, he'd been unsure about the guy at first, but a couple drinks between them had certainly softened things. Plus, Bruce was actually paying attention to him now when he talked.
"A round for the whole table!" Bruce called out, his words slurring slightly.
Pam leaned over towards Jim, half concerned, half confused. "Are you sure -- should we be, uh --"
"What?" Jim asked.
After a pause, Pam said, "Drinking so much?" She frowned. "I don't know, I just." She stopped, and Jim looked at her expectantly.
"You have nothing to worry about, Pam. I will take care of you," Jim said, smiling. He finished off his drink, sliding the glass to the center of the table.
"That's what she said," Bruce replied, slapping his hand on the table.
"Oh -- my God!" Jim said, starting to laugh. "You did not just say that!" He looked at Pam. "Did he just say that?"
"He totally just said that," Pam said.
"Do you know our boss, Michael Scott?" Jim asked, grinning.
"No, but I bet your mom does," Bruce replied.
"Okay, now I really can't believe you just said that."
===
"I learned something today," Michael explained to the camera outside the Radisson. "That sometimes girls who are hot are not always good for you. Take Jan, for instance. She was very hot, but was often not very nice to me, and, she dumped me and moved out of my condo. So."
He thought for a second.
"Plus, vampire goth chicks are just kind of creepy."
"Creepy hot," Andy added with a grin.
===
Pam hit Jim on the arm. "I gotta go pee," she announced, standing up. Not surprisingly, she found she couldn't do that very well. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself and started on the trek to the back of the bar where the bathroom was.
She barely managed to make her way into the stall when she heard someone else come in, and what sounded like a click. Had someone just locked the door? Did they know she was in the stall?
"Hello?" she called out, flushing the toilet and coming out. She gasped as she realized who had just locked the door. Bruce Campbell had followed her into the bathroom.
Wait -- Bruce Campbell had just followed her into the bathroom. What was going on?
She tried to busy herself by washing her hands, and didn't look at him.
"Pam," he said. "I know you have a boyfriend and all, but I wanted you to know, I think you're a really attractive woman..."
He came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She swallowed, laughing nervously, and grabbed one of the napkins off the countertop to dry her hands with. As discreetly as she could, she turned around to face him, putting on her best smile.
"Bruce--" she started to say, but he put a finger to her lips.
"I know you've got that boyfriend of yours out there, but you're not married, right?" His words slurred as he spoke. "It ain't cheating if you're not married..."
"Um," Pam said. She really wanted to just tell him to bug off, but -- honestly, he was pretty attractive. For an older guy. And maybe --
It wasn't until his lips were just brushing her jaw line that she realized what she was doing.
"Wh -- what are you doing?" Pam asked, pushing him backwards. "I ... I don't want to cheat on Jim." She thought for a second. "And aren't you married?" Yuck, she thought.
Bruce fell back against the wall next to the sinks. "I was," he sighed. "The wife got fed up with me. She thought I was cheating on her with one of the girls in the 'Old Spice' commercials."
It took Pam a second to figure out what he was referring to. "Oh," she said suddenly. "Ahoy."
Bruce chuckled bitterly. "Yeah," he said. "Ahoy. Right."
"Well," Pam asked, crossing her arms, "were you?"
"What do you think?" he asked. When Pam didn't immediately respond, he continued: "Of course not. Do you really think any of those girls would have been interested in me? They didn't even recognize me as an actor. You're the first really attractive woman I've met in a long time that knew who I was -- and appreciated me for the work I'd done!"
Pam immediately started blushing. "You think I'm attractive?"
He made a "are you kidding me?" face at her. "Of course," he said. "I mean, I can see why that scruffy boyfriend of yours is so protective of you."
"Jim's not scruffy," Pam said. "I mean, sure, his hair kind of -- I don't know -- flips out a bit, but that's just the way it is. It's cute," she said, smiling.
"So you really like the guy, huh?"
"Yeah," Pam said immediately. "I spent a long time pretending not to." She shook her head. "It was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. Or ... almost made, I guess." She looked over at Bruce and smiled wistfully. "I mean, I appreciate your attention and all, but, you know, I just--"
"Yeah," Bruce sighed, walking over to the bathroom door and unlocking it. "I don't know what I was thinking -- I mean, hitting on a girl with a boyfriend. That's kind of low, even for a B-actor like me."
Pam patted him on the arm. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You had a few drinks, you're going through a tough time. We all sometimes do things we wouldn't normally do when we're drunk..." She trailed off, her head lingering over the door handle. She glanced over at Bruce, who was watching her curiously. "Hmm," she said quickly. "We'd better get back; I'm sure Jim's probably wondering where I am by--"
She stopped short as she walked out of the bathroom, practically running into Jim.
"Pam! I was wondering what happened to--" He immediately stopped when he saw Bruce following Pam out of the bathroom.
Pam wasn't sure if she'd ever seen his eyes become that wide before. "Jim," she said.
"What..." he turned slowly to look back and forth between the two, "...is going on here? Why was Bruce Campbell in the women's room?" After a second, he added, "With you?"
"Um," Pam said.
"Too much whiskey," Bruce said.
This was certainly true, Pam thought.
"What?" Jim asked.
"Too much whiskey." His words continued to slur slightly. "I got confused... thought this was the guy's bathroom, y'know--"
"Yeah," Pam said immediately. "And when I came out, he was in here, and -- you know, we were just talking. That's why we were gone so long."
"Talking... in the women's bathroom?" Jim asked. He appeared confused and suspicious at the same time.
"Yeah," Bruce said, slumping against the wall. It was becoming difficult to stand up. "She told me that not being with you was the biggest mistake she almost didn't make."
Jim had to think about that. "What?" he finally asked.
Pam took his hand. "What he means is that, I was telling him how glad I was to have you."
"Oh," Jim said, his expression softening. "Really?"
"Yeah," Pam said, standing up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek softly.
Jim started grinning, despite himself.
Bruce slid down the wall to the ground. "Ugh," he groaned, his arm covering his eyes.
Pam frowned, looking down at him, then back up at Jim. "You know, maybe we should go back to the table and close out the tab. I think we've all had enough to drink."
Jim yawned, suddenly feeling overtired. "Yeah," he said. "I should probably ... help him up, huh?"
Pam made a face. "It would be the nice thing to do."
"You guys are nice people," Bruce mumbled, his head rolling to the side. "I'm so tired."
"I sure hope you have a room in this hotel," Jim said, grunting as he pulled the heavier man off of the ground.
"Room ... yeah. Suite ... jacuzzi, something something. Some ... I don't know."
Jim exchanged glances with Pam as they made their way back to the table.
===
"Would I have done something with Bruce Campbell if I was single?" Pam asked. She made a face. "He's a little old for me."
She thought for a second.
"Maybe."
===
On the way out of the hotel, Pam and Jim ran into Dwight again. "You two are still here?" Dwight asked, surprised.
"We were at the bar," Pam said.
"Hmph," he said. "Figures." He shook his head. "While you two were busy drinking your life away, I got to meet John Skipp. And Corbin Bersen."
"I have no idea who those people are," Pam said.
"Wait -- I know Corbin Bersen. He does those Lifetime movies, right?" Jim asked, smirking.
"No, Jim," Dwight said immediately. "He was probably most famous for being on L.A. Law. Or maybe Major League--"
"That's it!" Jim said. "Major League." He grinned at Pam. "That is a great movie."
"But," Dwight interrupted, "recently he was in a Masters of Horror episode called 'Right to Die.'"
Jim shook his head. "I don't..."
"I also met James Gunn, who directed 'Slither.'"
Jim made a surprised face. "Well, I think I've actually heard of that."
"Huh," Dwight said. "Imagine that."
"Well, we were having drinks with Bruce Campbell," Pam said.
"No way," Dwight said. "Bruce left the convention earlier today--"
"To go have drinks with us in the bar," Pam said. "He liked me."
Dwight scoffed. "Somehow I doubt that, Pam. He's only interested in attractive women, like Embeth Daviditz, who played Sheila in 'Army of Darkness.' Or Bridget Fonda, who was also in that movie, or..."
"All right, Dwight, enough. And we really did have drinks with Bruce Campbell," Jim said.
"I don't believe you. You guys are always making up stories. I can't imagine why he would ever want to--"
"Hey, sweetcheeks!" a familiar voice called across the lobby.
All three of them turned to see Bruce propped up against the front desk, winking and pointing his finger at them.
"Who's sweetcheeks?" Jim asked with a smile.
"I think he's talking to you," Pam replied.
"Thanks for the drinks!" Bruce said.
Pam waved sheepishly at him. "Get a good night's sleep!" she called out to him. "Drink lots of water!"
He blew a kiss at her and turned back to the front desk.
Both Pam and Jim immediately started grinning when they turned to look at Dwight, whose surprise was evident, even behind the ridiculous mask he was wearing. He shook his head again.
"I can't ... how did you--"
Pam smiled. "Guess he's a sucker for a plain, unattractive girl," she said, winking. Taking Jim's hand, they headed out of the lobby, leaving Dwight to stand there with his hands on his hips, still baffled by what he'd just seen.
===
"Things I learned this weekend. Hmm. There were a lot of things I learned, actually," Jim said, leaning back in the conference room chair, his head resting against the glass of the window.
It was Monday morning, and they were back at work.
"Pam, apparently, has a weird thing for cheesy western-sci-fi television shows that aired in the mid-90's. Dwight is a horror fan. Actually, I can't really say that's news; everything about Dwight is fairly horrifying, so that kind of makes sense." He smiled crookedly. "Oh -- and apparently, I found out that Andy and Michael were almost robbed by some girls dressed up as vampires. And ... that doesn't surprise me either, so."
===
Pam was sitting at her desk a few weeks later when Jackie, their UPS delivery person, arrived in the office. "Just a few things today," she said, resting the boxes on Pam's counter, and handing the pad over for her to sign.
Michael immediately came bounding out of his office like he usually did when packages arrived. He thought (or hoped, at least) everything was for him.
"What'd we get today, Pam?" he asked, hop-skipping up to her desk. He sorted through the pile. "Angela, Angela, Kelly ... Creed? What the heck does Creed get delivered here?"
Creed immediately appeared at Pam's desk. "I'll take that," he said, and headed straight out the front door of the office.
Pam glanced over at Jim, who immediately shot her a wide-eyed look.
Michael glanced at the last two packages: "Kelly, and ... Pam?" He looked at her curiously. "You never get anything sent here. Well, except for that one time you ordered clothes--"
"You remember that?" Pam asked, incredulously.
"Pam, it is my duty to make sure I know what my employees are up to. That's part of my boss-slash-friend relationship that we have."
"Huh," Pam said, as she grabbed the padded envelope. The return address said "Creation Entertainment, Glendale, CA," on it.
"So?" Michael said impatiently. "What is it?"
"I have no idea," Pam said, tearing the end of the envelope open. By that time, Jim had come up to her desk, and was leaning over the countertop, eyeing the package. She pulled a DVD case out. On the cover was Bruce Campbell, surrounded by a group of men of varying ages. "'My Name is Bruce,'" she read aloud. She held the DVD up to Jim. Sure enough, the DVD was titled, 'My Name is Bruce.'
"Interesting," Jim said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Michael asked.
Looking inside the envelope, Pam pulled out a piece of paper. She scanned it quickly before reading it aloud. "'So glad I got to meet you and your boyfriend -- you guys are great together, too bad for me.'" She paused on that, glancing up at Jim before continuing. "'In any case, this is my latest movie; I think you might enjoy it. X-O-X-O, Bruce.'"
"Who's Bruce?" Michael asked.
"Bruce Campbell?" Jim said.
Michael shook his head. "Never heard of him." With that, he headed back to his office, grumbling about how no one ever sent him anything.
Jim lingered for a few more seconds. "'Too bad for me,' huh?" he said finally.
Pam made a face. "He may have had a small thing for me. Maybe," Pam said.
"Really," Jim said. "I never would have guessed." Neither said anything for several seconds. Then: "What really did happen in that bathroom, Pam? He didn't try to come onto you, did he?"
"Um," Pam said.
"Are you serious?" Jim asked.
Pam didn't say anything.
"You didn't--"
She immediately shook her head.
"Right," Jim said, frowning. He pursed his lips. "Well. We are definitely talking about this later."
===
THE END
Comments always appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Author: GreenFish
Series: The Chronicles of Bruce Campbell
Fandom / Pairing: The Office [US]/RPF; Jim/Pam, Pam/Bruce
Rating: T
Word Count: 6,340
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and I definitely don't own Bruce Campbell. But hey, Bruce -- if you're ever bored, I can tell you where to find me. (Just don't tell my husband I said that. Hee hee.) Seriously, though. This is just written for fun. No monies are being made. Please do not sue.
Summary: Pam and Jim go to a horror convention. She's hiding a secret obsession that Jim is dying to figure out.
Author's Note: This entire series idea came from singularity. The prompt for this one was: "Bruce/Pam and Michael as a zombie." Two down, buddy.
===
"Pam. You never told me you were a horror movie fan."
"I'm not ... really. Exactly."
"Right," Jim said, making a face. "Because if I recall correctly, you once told me that you rented '28 Days Later' by accident, thinking it was the Sandra Bullock movie, '28 Days' ..."
"This may be true," Pam said.
"So, please explain to me why you want to attend this Fangoria Convention that they're holding at the Radisson this weekend."
"Um," Pam said.
"I know this has got to be good. You're turning red." Jim smirked, pushing back a lock of her curly hair. She started blushing even more.
"I don't want to talk about it," Pam said.
"You're going to end up telling me eventually, you realize."
"Maybe," Pam said. "Or maybe I won't bring you to the convention with me."
"C'mon now," Jim sighed. "That's no fun for me." He came up behind her desk chair, rubbing her shoulders. "Plus, you promised me we'd hang out this weekend." After a pause, he added, "You just didn't mention it'd be you, me, and a bunch of geeks at a convention."
"You're definitely not going now," Pam said, standing up. She turned to him, putting a pout on. "And not everyone that goes is a huge geek. And maybe we have certain reasons for wanting to go."
"See, now I definitely want to know. Are you secretly in love with Jason Voorhies? Do you have fantasies about Freddy Kruger? Tell me," he whined as she started to walk away from him.
"For the last time, I'm not talking about it," she said, the door to the kitchen almost swinging into his face.
===
"Michael. I know you're depressed about Jan moving out, but I know the perfect way to meet some serious hotties." Andy sat in front of Michael's desk, flexing his fingers back and forth rapidly. It was kind of distracting to Michael.
"What?" he asked.
"Hotties," Andy repeated. "We are going to get you some poo-tang this weekend."
"Poo-tang?" Michael asked. "Does anyone say that anymore? I thought the current term was 'totty' these days."
"Where did you hear that?" Andy asked.
===
"Urban dictionary," Michael explained to the camera. "I get a new word every day, and therefore, I'm on top of what the current word-trends are." He pulled out a piece of paper. "Today's word was: 'bootsy,' which means 'bad or wretched.' The example they give is, 'That history assignment is hecksa bootsy, man!'" Michael looked up thoughtfully. "Hmm. Bootsy. I wonder if Darryl knows that one."
===
"Never mind," Michael said. "Just -- where are we going to find these totties, anyway?"
"Well, there's a horror convention in town, and you know what that means..." Andy said, grinning.
"No, I have no idea what that means."
"Hot, slutty vampire chicks. Duh."
"Oooh," Michael said, his eyes going wide. He thought for a second. "Wait -- do they really drink human blood? 'Cause I don't want to wake up with half the blood sucked out of me or something."
"No," Andy said. "But you might want to invest in some concealer or something." He leaned forward. "They tend to give some nasty hickeys."
===
"Pamela, I understand you are attending the Fangoria Horror Convention this weekend." Dwight sat across from her in the break room, where she was tightly clutching a ceramic mug.
"Yes," she said tersely.
"I just didn't ... see you as a horror fan. I am attending as well. I was curious if we were going for the same reasons."
"I doubt it," Pam said, not looking up at him. "I'm only going to get something signed."
"A book?" Dwight asked. "Whose? Bernie Wrightson? Gris Grimley? Voltaire? No ... wait, you don't seem like a goth fan."
"No, I'm not. And like I told Jim, I don't want to talk about it."
"Well," Dwight said, standing up stiffly again. "Perhaps I might see you there."
"Sure," Pam said.
===
Michael sat on a stool next to the breakfast bar in Andy's apartment kitchen. A large array of face-paint crayons and tubes were spread across the countertop.
"Where did you get all this stuff, anyway?" Michael asked as Andy worked to apply a gray paint to Michael's face.
"I was on the Drama Squad at Cornell, the university I attended. I was in charge of special-effects make-up, so..." Andy tilted Michael's head. "Hold still now. I want to really make this look like rotting flesh."
"What are we going as, again?"
"Zombies," Andy said. "Slutty vampire chicks love zombies. Don't ask me why, but it works every time."
===
"Now are you going to tell me why you really wanted to come?" Jim asked as they paid for the tickets in the lobby of the Radisson.
"No," Pam said, clutching her purse lightly. She'd stowed her item in there so Jim wouldn't see it and make fun of her. "And if you keep it up, you're definitely not staying over tonight."
"That is just cold, Beesly. You're pure ice."
They walked into the Scranton Ballroom, and both were taken aback by both the number of people there and the number of booths set up. It had been transformed into a dark, blacklight-heavy, horror-lover's paradise. Display cases full of merchandise were backlit with red lights, giving the vendor's booths an eerie feel, and everywhere she looked, Pam saw people with elaborate face make-up or masks. It reminded her of the brief period her younger brother had been obsessed with the band Slipknot. She wasn't really keen on walking around aimlessly for a while, because, honestly, she didn't exactly fit in with this crowd.
Still, she felt reluctant to ask anyone. She scanned the room briefly. She was so busy trying to figure out where the autograph signing was; she nearly bumped into someone. "Oh -- sorry," she said, looking up to see what appeared to be -- Dwight?
He had on a Hellraiser mask, but it appeared he had cut out some of the spikes so he could still wear his glasses over it. Only Dwight, Pam thought.
"Nice costume," she said, looking up at him.
"Thank you," Dwight said. "I see you two didn't bother to dress up."
"Well, we're not going to be here that long," Pam said. She clutched her purse again; making sure her package was still in there. She could feel the heavy outline of it against the nylon fabric.
"Oh, yeah. Your book signing." Dwight said. "You know all the book and autograph signings are in the Station Ballroom. You have to sign up for a time to get in line."
"Really?" Pam asked.
"Haven't you ever been to a convention before, Pam? They always make you do that," Dwight said.
"They don't appear to make masks that conform to your glasses, though," Jim said, smirking at Dwight.
"Ha, ha," Dwight said.
===
"I think managed to make it work," Dwight explained to the camera, straightening the glasses that sat atop his mask. "Unlike the Hellraiser, I do not have 20/20 vision. Although at times, I do derive some pleasure out of pain. I had a girlfriend that used to enjoy S&M occasionally." Dwight frowned. "She enjoyed ... dominating."
===
"Well," Pam said. "I'd better go sign up, then. Have fun."
"Say hi to Michael Myers for me if you see him," Jim said.
"You would pee your pants if you ever encountered the real Michael Myers, Jim," Dwight sneered.
"The guy from 'Wayne's World'?" Jim asked. "I mean, he's funny, but not that funny."
"That's not --" Dwight shook his head, and stalked off in the other direction.
Jim smirked, following Pam into the other ballroom. She was talking to one of the table attendants as he walked up.
"I'm sorry, you'll have to repeat that, miss. I couldn't hear you," the attendant said.
"I asked, 'Is this where I can sign up for the Bruce Campbell signing?'"
Jim's eyes went wide. Bruce Campbell? That's what she'd been so embarrassed about? He wondered why. He actually enjoyed the Evil Dead series quite a bit. He never knew she was a fan.
"Bruce Campbell, huh?" Jim asked, after she'd finished filling out a ticket for the signing.
Pam nearly jumped a foot off the ground. She turned around, clearly surprised. "You -- I didn't know you were there." Her cheeks were bright red.
"Apparently," Jim said. "I can't believe you were embarrassed about that. I like the Evil Dead trilogy, too."
"'Evil Dead'?" Pam asked. "I mean -- oh, yeah, Evil Dead, yeah. I don't know, I just, you know... it's kind of weird for girls to like that, I guess, so..."
"Wait," Jim said, interrupting her. "That's not why you like Bruce Campbell, is it?" He regarded her suspiciously. "What are you getting signed, anyway?"
"Nothing," Pam said quickly, hugging her purse to her body.
"Ah," Jim said. "It's in there, isn't it?" He started to reach for her purse. "C'mon, let me just see it." She struggled with him.
"No," she said.
Jim smiled. "I don't get why you're so defensive about this. I didn't get mad at you when you wanted to make fun of me for my Second Life character."
Pam made a face. "Yes, you did! You wouldn't even let me check it out. I thought Philly-Sportswriter-Jim was really cute."
"Well, maybe I'll think your thing is cute. Why don't you just show me?"
"Because," Pam said.
"C'mon. Show me." He reached for her purse again.
"Stop!" Pam said.
"C'mon, Pam. What are you so afraid --"
"Stop!" she said again, punching him lightly on the arm.
A guy in a huge werewolf costume stopped in front of them. "Ma'am?" he said. "Is everything okay?"
Pam looked at Jim quickly then up at the guy. "Yeah," she finally said. "It's -- nothing. We're fine."
The guy, who had at least six inches of height on Jim, looked at him carefully for a few seconds, before walking away.
"Well," Jim said. "Thank you for not getting me beat up today. Ma'am..." He chuckled lightly under his breath.
"If you weren't so curious, that wouldn't have even happened."
"I want to know everything about you, Pam," he said, smiling warmly at her. "And that includes all your embarrassing obsessions and crushes. I know you want to tell me."
Pam ignored him. "I could really use something to eat. Let's go get something, huh?"
===
"I think I've figured it out," Jim told the cameraman, who was waiting for him outside the men's bathroom. "She watched him on 'Xena: Warrior Princess,' and that's why she's too embarrassed to admit it. I mean, it wasn't really the best show ever, but Lucy Lawless was ... um..." Jim stopped himself, realizing what he was saying. "I mean, if that's it, who really cares? I don't know why she's so embarrassed about the whole thing, anyway."
===
"Dude. Four o'clock. Two vampire hotties by the Hot Topic booth."
Michael turned casually to check out the girls Andy was looking at. One was tall, blonde and pretty (she had kind of a crooked nose), and the other was shorter, slightly chubby, but had nice boobs and good skin. Tough call. But Michael really wanted the prettier one. "I call the skinny one," Michael said.
"Awe-some," Andy said. "I don't mind a lady with a little junk in the trunk. As long as they put out at the end of the night!"
Michael snorted. "That's what Packer always used to say." Except that Packer always used to claim the skinny ones. Well, now it was his day to choose.
"You ready to do this?" Andy asked, holding his fist out.
"Ready as I ever will be," Michael replied, bumping fists with him. Andy made that ridiculous 'exploding' noise, which Michael ignored. That joke was so last year. He started walking towards the girls, but stopped suddenly. Andy bumped into him. "C'mon," Michael said. "I told you not to follow so close."
"Sorry," Andy said.
"Listen, how do we do this? What do you say when you see them?"
"Oh, yes. I've got the perfect line. Drives the chicks wild." Andy cleared his throat, and in a low voice, said, "How'd you like to suck on some tender, cold flesh tonight?"
"That sounds disgusting."
"Sure, but they're into that sort of thing. Trust me."
Michael shrugged and followed Andy up to the girls. When Andy said the line to the chubby one, she looked at him kind of strangely, but then her skinny friend leaned down and whispered something into her ear.
"We're in!" Andy whispered to Michael.
Michael's eyes went wide as the skinny one said, "Listen. We've got a room and some booze upstairs. Meet us in 308 in an hour."
"Scoooo-re," Andy sang under his breath.
"You bet!" Michael said. Andy reached his hand out for a high five, but Michael was already walking away.
===
"Why did we agree to meet up with those two guys?" the skinny blond repeated to the cameraman. She glanced at her friend. "I don't know. The older one looked kind of hot in a mature sort-of way, I guess."
The shorter girl smirked. "They're the best-looking guys we've encountered all day, really." She looked back at the blonde. "I guess that doesn't say much."
===
By the time they got in line for the autograph signing, it was already late in the afternoon, and they had to wait another forty-five minutes to reach the front of the line. Pam was nervously shifting back and forth on either foot as they waited for the person in front of them to finish.
"You ready?" Jim asked, as the table opened up in front of them. Bruce Campbell -- the real Bruce Campbell -- stared expectantly at them as Pam timidly made her way forward; clinging onto her purse for dear life.
"Well, hello," Bruce said as she came up to the table. "What do you have for me to sign?"
Pam reached into her purse, staring over her shoulder at Jim, who was watching her curiously. She frowned at him, turning back to Bruce. "I -- I know this is a horror convention, and all, and this isn't really horror-related, but, I just wanted to say, I'm a really huge fan, and, I mean, I hope this isn't weird ..."
She pulled out a cardboard DVD box set and handed it over.
Bruce's face instantly lit up. "Brisco County Jr!" he said. "No one ever brings this up anymore." He turned back up to look at Pam. "You know, this was one of my favorite projects. I was so upset when it got cancelled. You really like this show?"
"Y-yeah," Pam stammered. "I mean, I know it's been a long time, but, like I said, I'm a huge fan, and --"
"I just want to say, Mr. Campbell, I really enjoyed your 'Evil Dead' series," Jim put in.
"Yeah, yeah," Bruce said, waving him off. He kept staring at Pam. "So, you really liked that show, huh?"
"Absolutely," Pam said. "The entire series was greatly underrated; it was like an interesting current social commentary with elements of the past and future -- your character had some of the best lines... I mean..."
Bruce scribbled a long note on the front cover of the DVD box. "What was your favorite episode?" he asked excitedly.
"Wow, I... shoot. Let me think."
Jim watched the two of them incredulously. The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr? This was Pam's big obsession?
The two of them were getting along like old friends who'd worked together. It was ... weird. Jim shifted uncomfortably on his feet.
"It's probably not the best episode, but one of my favorites had to be 'Pirates,' just because it was so fun, you know?"
"Yeah, that was a pretty good one," Bruce said, nodding. "I also liked the Riverboat episode--"
"Oh, I love that one!" Pam exclaimed. "You looked really good in that, um..." She trailed off suddenly, seeing Jim's expression out of the corner of her eye. She cleared her throat. "I mean..."
"Hey," Bruce said, leaning across the table. "I have to do this for about another hour, but, do you think, you know, you and your, uh--"
"Boyfriend," Jim interrupted, putting his arm around her.
"Ah," Bruce said, looking disappointed for a split second. He quickly recovered. "Uh -- do you think you two would like to meet me in the hotel lounge for a drink or two?"
"Really?" Pam asked, at the same time Jim said,
"Well, I don't know if..."
They both stopped, looking at each other. "What?" Pam asked. "Is there something else going on?"
"Well," Jim said, "no, but..."
"Than what? When else would we ever have a chance to hang out with Bruce Campbell?" She turned back to him. "Absolutely. We'll see you there around --" She grabbed Jim's arm so she could look at his watch. Jim grunted with surprise. "Six-thirty?"
"You got it," Bruce said, winking at her. "I really want to know what you thought about the series after Brisco defeated Bly."
"Oh, yeah -- definitely," Pam said, grinning widely. "I can't wait."
Jim tapped her arm. "We should probably, ah, let him get back to autographs, then -- he's got a long line of people behind him."
"Oh! Sorry, yeah, we'll uh -- meet you later, then?" she asked, still smiling.
"Wouldn't miss it for anything," Bruce said. Jim swore he winked at her again.
He frowned as they walked away. "I don't trust that guy," he said, avoiding her gaze.
"What?" Pam asked. "Why? I think it's awesome -- I can't believe he is going to hang out with us. This is ... unbelievable. I couldn't have imagined, I mean..."
"That's the thing," Jim said, pulling her aside out in the hallway. "Why would someone like Bruce Campbell want to hang out with us? I mean, we're no one, and -- I don't know. He really, um..." Jim hesitated, not knowing how to put it. "I mean, he seemed to have a thing for you, or something."
"What?" Pam asked again. "No ... no way. He's Bruce Campbell. He does not have a thing for me."
"I'm telling you, Pam, he was looking at you -- he winked at you twice!"
"Jim," Pam said, standing up tall to kiss him lightly on the cheek. "You have nothing to worry about. He obviously is just proud of his work on Brisco County Jr., and no one probably ever talks to him about it." She started grinning again. "This is ... so incredible. I can't believe it!"
"Hmm," Jim said, as she took his hand.
===
"Holy crap," Michael said as they crawled out of the hotel room, their shirts missing; trailing rope around their ankles that they hadn't been able to unknot. "That was ... close."
"Yeah -- luckily, that's not the first time that's happened to me. I could tell when things were --" Andy made a face, "-- going south."
"You've been mugged by slutty vampire chicks before?"
"Well, technically, last time, they were alien-chicks..."
"Alien chicks?" Michael asked, alarmed. He sat up against the wall, yanking at the knots around his ankles. "Damn, that big girl really tied these tight."
"Let me," Andy sighed. He bent down, picking one of the knots. After a second, he shrugged and said, "Creepy large eyes."
"What?"
"Alien chicks -- creepy large eyes. Kind of freaked me out."
Michael chuckled. "Oh -- yeah," he said. "Actually, the whole neck thing was kind of weird. I think my girl was actually trying to break skin."
"Huh," Andy said.
"Jan broke skin once."
Andy continued to work at the knot.
"Of course, it wasn't on my neck, either." Michael frowned.
===
They arrived at the hotel bar right at 6:30 pm. Bruce was already waiting for them in a corner booth; an empty rocks glass in front of him, and another half-empty glass in his hand. Jim looked at Pam wearily as they headed in his direction, but she didn't seem to be paying attention to him. She smiled brightly in Bruce's direction, clutching the DVD box set in her hands.
Jim rolled his eyes.
===
"Do I trust Bruce Campbell? You know, as a long-time fan of the 'Evil Dead' series, I want to say yes..." Jim glanced upwards, then back at the camera. "But... as a guy who saw the way he looked at my girlfriend -- no, no, I don't trust him."
===
"Well, hello again," Bruce said as they approached the table. Pam sat down across from him. Jim cautiously sat next to her, his eyes flitting back and forth between Bruce and Pam.
"Hi," Pam said, grinning shyly.
"I... don't think I caught your name earlier, by the way."
"Pam," she said, holding out her hand.
As Bruce shook it tenderly, Jim stuck his hand out quickly, almost in front of hers. "Jim," he said.
Bruce glanced over at him, almost as an afterthought. "Ah," he said, reluctantly letting go of Pam's hand to shake Jim's.
"So..." Pam said. "You were asking me what I thought about Brisco after he defeated Bly, right?"
"Yeah," Bruce said, turning back to her.
Jim couldn't help but notice that his hands remained on the table, dangerously close to where Pam was gesturing enthusiastically. Jim flagged down the waitress. "Do you think we could get a couple drinks, here?"
===
"Bruce?" Pam asked, standing in front of the ladies' room door. "Bruce is ... amazing. I mean, who knew that a celebrity could be so friendly, and so easy to talk to? It's like a dream come true."
She thought for a second.
"Not that I've ever dreamed about this." She pursed her lips. "I mean..."
===
"No interviews, please," Bruce said, breezing by the camera on the way back to the table.
===
"So then I said -- 'Just because you've made three Spiderman movies doesn't mean you're all that,' right?"
Jim started laughing out loud. He was starting to think that maybe he had misjudged Bruce Campbell. Honestly, the guy was a pretty good conversationalist, and, in retrospect, he really couldn't blame the guy for hitting on Pam. After all, she was hot. Really hot. So hot, sometimes he was amazed she was even his girlfriend.
And besides, Jim thought, it wasn't like Pam was going to do anything. She wasn't the type of person that cheated on her boyfriends. Well: except that one time. With him. But, really. That didn't count. Right? Roy was an idiot. And she had said "no" at the time, anyway. Wait. Why was he even arguing this point? How was this relevant again?
"You know," Bruce continued, "I don't get why he's gotta be such an asshole, anyway. I mean, we made the Evil Dead movies for, like, nothing. I was mixing stage blood with molasses in buckets in that blasted cabin in Tennessee in-between scenes while it was thirty degrees out with no heat, you know? I don't know..." he moaned, downing another glass of whiskey. "Waitress?" he called out. He pointed to his glass.
"Get me one, too," Jim said.
Sure, Jim thought, he'd been unsure about the guy at first, but a couple drinks between them had certainly softened things. Plus, Bruce was actually paying attention to him now when he talked.
"A round for the whole table!" Bruce called out, his words slurring slightly.
Pam leaned over towards Jim, half concerned, half confused. "Are you sure -- should we be, uh --"
"What?" Jim asked.
After a pause, Pam said, "Drinking so much?" She frowned. "I don't know, I just." She stopped, and Jim looked at her expectantly.
"You have nothing to worry about, Pam. I will take care of you," Jim said, smiling. He finished off his drink, sliding the glass to the center of the table.
"That's what she said," Bruce replied, slapping his hand on the table.
"Oh -- my God!" Jim said, starting to laugh. "You did not just say that!" He looked at Pam. "Did he just say that?"
"He totally just said that," Pam said.
"Do you know our boss, Michael Scott?" Jim asked, grinning.
"No, but I bet your mom does," Bruce replied.
"Okay, now I really can't believe you just said that."
===
"I learned something today," Michael explained to the camera outside the Radisson. "That sometimes girls who are hot are not always good for you. Take Jan, for instance. She was very hot, but was often not very nice to me, and, she dumped me and moved out of my condo. So."
He thought for a second.
"Plus, vampire goth chicks are just kind of creepy."
"Creepy hot," Andy added with a grin.
===
Pam hit Jim on the arm. "I gotta go pee," she announced, standing up. Not surprisingly, she found she couldn't do that very well. Taking a deep breath, she steadied herself and started on the trek to the back of the bar where the bathroom was.
She barely managed to make her way into the stall when she heard someone else come in, and what sounded like a click. Had someone just locked the door? Did they know she was in the stall?
"Hello?" she called out, flushing the toilet and coming out. She gasped as she realized who had just locked the door. Bruce Campbell had followed her into the bathroom.
Wait -- Bruce Campbell had just followed her into the bathroom. What was going on?
She tried to busy herself by washing her hands, and didn't look at him.
"Pam," he said. "I know you have a boyfriend and all, but I wanted you to know, I think you're a really attractive woman..."
He came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist. She swallowed, laughing nervously, and grabbed one of the napkins off the countertop to dry her hands with. As discreetly as she could, she turned around to face him, putting on her best smile.
"Bruce--" she started to say, but he put a finger to her lips.
"I know you've got that boyfriend of yours out there, but you're not married, right?" His words slurred as he spoke. "It ain't cheating if you're not married..."
"Um," Pam said. She really wanted to just tell him to bug off, but -- honestly, he was pretty attractive. For an older guy. And maybe --
It wasn't until his lips were just brushing her jaw line that she realized what she was doing.
"Wh -- what are you doing?" Pam asked, pushing him backwards. "I ... I don't want to cheat on Jim." She thought for a second. "And aren't you married?" Yuck, she thought.
Bruce fell back against the wall next to the sinks. "I was," he sighed. "The wife got fed up with me. She thought I was cheating on her with one of the girls in the 'Old Spice' commercials."
It took Pam a second to figure out what he was referring to. "Oh," she said suddenly. "Ahoy."
Bruce chuckled bitterly. "Yeah," he said. "Ahoy. Right."
"Well," Pam asked, crossing her arms, "were you?"
"What do you think?" he asked. When Pam didn't immediately respond, he continued: "Of course not. Do you really think any of those girls would have been interested in me? They didn't even recognize me as an actor. You're the first really attractive woman I've met in a long time that knew who I was -- and appreciated me for the work I'd done!"
Pam immediately started blushing. "You think I'm attractive?"
He made a "are you kidding me?" face at her. "Of course," he said. "I mean, I can see why that scruffy boyfriend of yours is so protective of you."
"Jim's not scruffy," Pam said. "I mean, sure, his hair kind of -- I don't know -- flips out a bit, but that's just the way it is. It's cute," she said, smiling.
"So you really like the guy, huh?"
"Yeah," Pam said immediately. "I spent a long time pretending not to." She shook her head. "It was probably the biggest mistake I ever made. Or ... almost made, I guess." She looked over at Bruce and smiled wistfully. "I mean, I appreciate your attention and all, but, you know, I just--"
"Yeah," Bruce sighed, walking over to the bathroom door and unlocking it. "I don't know what I was thinking -- I mean, hitting on a girl with a boyfriend. That's kind of low, even for a B-actor like me."
Pam patted him on the arm. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You had a few drinks, you're going through a tough time. We all sometimes do things we wouldn't normally do when we're drunk..." She trailed off, her head lingering over the door handle. She glanced over at Bruce, who was watching her curiously. "Hmm," she said quickly. "We'd better get back; I'm sure Jim's probably wondering where I am by--"
She stopped short as she walked out of the bathroom, practically running into Jim.
"Pam! I was wondering what happened to--" He immediately stopped when he saw Bruce following Pam out of the bathroom.
Pam wasn't sure if she'd ever seen his eyes become that wide before. "Jim," she said.
"What..." he turned slowly to look back and forth between the two, "...is going on here? Why was Bruce Campbell in the women's room?" After a second, he added, "With you?"
"Um," Pam said.
"Too much whiskey," Bruce said.
This was certainly true, Pam thought.
"What?" Jim asked.
"Too much whiskey." His words continued to slur slightly. "I got confused... thought this was the guy's bathroom, y'know--"
"Yeah," Pam said immediately. "And when I came out, he was in here, and -- you know, we were just talking. That's why we were gone so long."
"Talking... in the women's bathroom?" Jim asked. He appeared confused and suspicious at the same time.
"Yeah," Bruce said, slumping against the wall. It was becoming difficult to stand up. "She told me that not being with you was the biggest mistake she almost didn't make."
Jim had to think about that. "What?" he finally asked.
Pam took his hand. "What he means is that, I was telling him how glad I was to have you."
"Oh," Jim said, his expression softening. "Really?"
"Yeah," Pam said, standing up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek softly.
Jim started grinning, despite himself.
Bruce slid down the wall to the ground. "Ugh," he groaned, his arm covering his eyes.
Pam frowned, looking down at him, then back up at Jim. "You know, maybe we should go back to the table and close out the tab. I think we've all had enough to drink."
Jim yawned, suddenly feeling overtired. "Yeah," he said. "I should probably ... help him up, huh?"
Pam made a face. "It would be the nice thing to do."
"You guys are nice people," Bruce mumbled, his head rolling to the side. "I'm so tired."
"I sure hope you have a room in this hotel," Jim said, grunting as he pulled the heavier man off of the ground.
"Room ... yeah. Suite ... jacuzzi, something something. Some ... I don't know."
Jim exchanged glances with Pam as they made their way back to the table.
===
"Would I have done something with Bruce Campbell if I was single?" Pam asked. She made a face. "He's a little old for me."
She thought for a second.
"Maybe."
===
On the way out of the hotel, Pam and Jim ran into Dwight again. "You two are still here?" Dwight asked, surprised.
"We were at the bar," Pam said.
"Hmph," he said. "Figures." He shook his head. "While you two were busy drinking your life away, I got to meet John Skipp. And Corbin Bersen."
"I have no idea who those people are," Pam said.
"Wait -- I know Corbin Bersen. He does those Lifetime movies, right?" Jim asked, smirking.
"No, Jim," Dwight said immediately. "He was probably most famous for being on L.A. Law. Or maybe Major League--"
"That's it!" Jim said. "Major League." He grinned at Pam. "That is a great movie."
"But," Dwight interrupted, "recently he was in a Masters of Horror episode called 'Right to Die.'"
Jim shook his head. "I don't..."
"I also met James Gunn, who directed 'Slither.'"
Jim made a surprised face. "Well, I think I've actually heard of that."
"Huh," Dwight said. "Imagine that."
"Well, we were having drinks with Bruce Campbell," Pam said.
"No way," Dwight said. "Bruce left the convention earlier today--"
"To go have drinks with us in the bar," Pam said. "He liked me."
Dwight scoffed. "Somehow I doubt that, Pam. He's only interested in attractive women, like Embeth Daviditz, who played Sheila in 'Army of Darkness.' Or Bridget Fonda, who was also in that movie, or..."
"All right, Dwight, enough. And we really did have drinks with Bruce Campbell," Jim said.
"I don't believe you. You guys are always making up stories. I can't imagine why he would ever want to--"
"Hey, sweetcheeks!" a familiar voice called across the lobby.
All three of them turned to see Bruce propped up against the front desk, winking and pointing his finger at them.
"Who's sweetcheeks?" Jim asked with a smile.
"I think he's talking to you," Pam replied.
"Thanks for the drinks!" Bruce said.
Pam waved sheepishly at him. "Get a good night's sleep!" she called out to him. "Drink lots of water!"
He blew a kiss at her and turned back to the front desk.
Both Pam and Jim immediately started grinning when they turned to look at Dwight, whose surprise was evident, even behind the ridiculous mask he was wearing. He shook his head again.
"I can't ... how did you--"
Pam smiled. "Guess he's a sucker for a plain, unattractive girl," she said, winking. Taking Jim's hand, they headed out of the lobby, leaving Dwight to stand there with his hands on his hips, still baffled by what he'd just seen.
===
"Things I learned this weekend. Hmm. There were a lot of things I learned, actually," Jim said, leaning back in the conference room chair, his head resting against the glass of the window.
It was Monday morning, and they were back at work.
"Pam, apparently, has a weird thing for cheesy western-sci-fi television shows that aired in the mid-90's. Dwight is a horror fan. Actually, I can't really say that's news; everything about Dwight is fairly horrifying, so that kind of makes sense." He smiled crookedly. "Oh -- and apparently, I found out that Andy and Michael were almost robbed by some girls dressed up as vampires. And ... that doesn't surprise me either, so."
===
Pam was sitting at her desk a few weeks later when Jackie, their UPS delivery person, arrived in the office. "Just a few things today," she said, resting the boxes on Pam's counter, and handing the pad over for her to sign.
Michael immediately came bounding out of his office like he usually did when packages arrived. He thought (or hoped, at least) everything was for him.
"What'd we get today, Pam?" he asked, hop-skipping up to her desk. He sorted through the pile. "Angela, Angela, Kelly ... Creed? What the heck does Creed get delivered here?"
Creed immediately appeared at Pam's desk. "I'll take that," he said, and headed straight out the front door of the office.
Pam glanced over at Jim, who immediately shot her a wide-eyed look.
Michael glanced at the last two packages: "Kelly, and ... Pam?" He looked at her curiously. "You never get anything sent here. Well, except for that one time you ordered clothes--"
"You remember that?" Pam asked, incredulously.
"Pam, it is my duty to make sure I know what my employees are up to. That's part of my boss-slash-friend relationship that we have."
"Huh," Pam said, as she grabbed the padded envelope. The return address said "Creation Entertainment, Glendale, CA," on it.
"So?" Michael said impatiently. "What is it?"
"I have no idea," Pam said, tearing the end of the envelope open. By that time, Jim had come up to her desk, and was leaning over the countertop, eyeing the package. She pulled a DVD case out. On the cover was Bruce Campbell, surrounded by a group of men of varying ages. "'My Name is Bruce,'" she read aloud. She held the DVD up to Jim. Sure enough, the DVD was titled, 'My Name is Bruce.'
"Interesting," Jim said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Michael asked.
Looking inside the envelope, Pam pulled out a piece of paper. She scanned it quickly before reading it aloud. "'So glad I got to meet you and your boyfriend -- you guys are great together, too bad for me.'" She paused on that, glancing up at Jim before continuing. "'In any case, this is my latest movie; I think you might enjoy it. X-O-X-O, Bruce.'"
"Who's Bruce?" Michael asked.
"Bruce Campbell?" Jim said.
Michael shook his head. "Never heard of him." With that, he headed back to his office, grumbling about how no one ever sent him anything.
Jim lingered for a few more seconds. "'Too bad for me,' huh?" he said finally.
Pam made a face. "He may have had a small thing for me. Maybe," Pam said.
"Really," Jim said. "I never would have guessed." Neither said anything for several seconds. Then: "What really did happen in that bathroom, Pam? He didn't try to come onto you, did he?"
"Um," Pam said.
"Are you serious?" Jim asked.
Pam didn't say anything.
"You didn't--"
She immediately shook her head.
"Right," Jim said, frowning. He pursed his lips. "Well. We are definitely talking about this later."
===
THE END
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