Oooo, definately a wonderful way to look at the creation of Greed! I had been thinking about looking into a ficlet concerning such - I need not look further! ^_^
The description was very crisp and real, something a lot of stories lack these days. You really helped create an atmosphere of sympathy for Greed on his part as you described the first time his shield activated. I had never considered the shock he would go through once he first noticed that power, and the way you interpreted it by explaining that his air supply was cut off was very, very original. Loved the way you played it all out in the end, too!
I just have a couple bits of critiquing for you. I'm a grammar nut, so I nitpick at spelling errors. Here are the only two I found:
His breathes came in shearing gasps - "breathes" should be breaths
Greed couldn't breath, he couldn't breath - "breath" should be "breathe"
All in all, a delightful little piece of work! You've done Greed proud, my dear!
You really do have a wonderful grasp on Greed, even here, in such an early stage. You have quite a knack for writing his character. You've got good description here, very clear and precise. Nothing's too cluttered or convoluted, very well done. There's a nice over-all flow, only a couple of small typoes, all in all a very tight and neat piece of work!
wow! really nice job on this! The descriptions are beautiful, and I can already tell this story is going to be unique...I love pre-series stuff with Dante and Hoho and the sins. It's so interesting to me! I think this is one of your first pieces I've read...and I was not disappointed in the least! Great work, hun! I'm going to read part two now!
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The description was very crisp and real, something a lot of stories lack these days. You really helped create an atmosphere of sympathy for Greed on his part as you described the first time his shield activated. I had never considered the shock he would go through once he first noticed that power, and the way you interpreted it by explaining that his air supply was cut off was very, very original. Loved the way you played it all out in the end, too!
I just have a couple bits of critiquing for you. I'm a grammar nut, so I nitpick at spelling errors. Here are the only two I found:
His breathes came in shearing gasps - "breathes" should be breaths
Greed couldn't breath, he couldn't breath - "breath" should be "breathe"
All in all, a delightful little piece of work! You've done Greed proud, my dear!
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