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in
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Biologically Insane [Spock/McCoy, PG-13]
Title: Biologically Insane [1/3]
Author: igrab
Pairing: Spock/McCoy
Written For: st_xi_kink, for this prompt
Rating: PG-13 so far for language
Word Count: 3,140
Summary: Spock's pon farr approaches. Issues come up. Kirk attempts resolution (...oh dear).
They had their first real fight before McCoy realized what was going on.
It didn't make him feel any less shitty about the things he'd said, of course, but at least it was all starting to make sense. He wasn't going crazy and it wasn't his fault. It wasn't Spock's, either, but he was definitely the one going crazy.
Biologically, anyway.
They had been orbiting New Vulcan for the past week, answering to one of the colony's frequent (though polite) calls for help. If it had been Spock's wishes, they would be answering every single one of them (and, you know, not getting anywhere) but that's why Kirk was the captain and Spock was First Officer. Kirk was much better at deciding what was important enough to respond to and what had to take a backseat to the 5-year mission.
But, the distress signal this time had mentioned some kind of unusual virus, and Kirk and McCoy had only locked eyes for a second before agreeing that this was a call they had to answer. And so far, they'd been a big help, even if it meant that McCoy was constantly strained and exhausted and bitchier than usual.
It didn't matter, because he knew that every night he had someone to come home to. Someone who pressed warm fingers to the pressure points in his head, making the tension melt away, who brushed his lips over his eyelids and soothed him from the inside out, who whispered "Thank you", in that soft serious voice that came from the bottom of his green heart.
McCoy wasn't doing this for Vulcan. He was doing this for Spock.
He'd had the strangest experience several days ago, when he'd come upon an old man in the sickbay, just sort of hanging out and generally being bothersome. When he'd bitched up his usual storm and waved various threats of pointy objects to make him go away, he simply smiled, and McCoy was struck by a sudden sense of familiarity.
That conversation had to have been one of the weirdest in his life. And that included the time Jim had almost died from space opium. McCoy asked a lot of questions, and he didn't understand half the answers, but he had two choices when he didn't understand something - ignore it, or accept it, and the first one was kind of impossible.
He'd asked a lot of questions that he'd been wanting to ask, and could anyone blame him if they were 90% biology? Old guy Spock wasn't surprised in the slightest, and he coughed up the information much more readily than any other Vulcan was willing to do. Three years of answering Vulcan distress calls and he still didn't know how their hearts got enough blood to their brains, two years of a sexual relationship with First Officer Spock and he'd never heard the words 'pon farr'.
So yeah, it had taken him a day or two. Enough time for Spock's temper to lash out and scrape salt over old wounds, and it was uncalled for and rude and shocked McCoy to the root of his deep-seated affection for his lover, and when he bit back it was with no restraints.
Pon farr, huh. Crazy fucking Vulcans.
He called him on the intercom, private channel, he had a lot of work to do but this couldn't wait. "Hey, Spock."
"Leonard." It was hard to tell what Spock was feeling when he couldn't see his eyes, but the use of his first name meant he wasn't fucking furious anymore... probably.
"Look, I wanted to apologize. What I said last night..."
"Your apology is unnecessary; it was I who was at fault." There was only a breath's hesitation, and McCoy should've been surprised at how easily he admitted this. "There is, something that a Vulcan goes through..."
"Pon farr." He interrupted him, not wanting Spock to have to navigate all of his verbal shenanigans just to spit it out. "Yeah. I figured it out, today. That gives you an excuse but it doesn't mean I had any more right to be a douche."
He could almost see the mental jungle gym that Spock had to process to get around McCoy's vulgarity. It happened often enough. "How did you...?"
"Find out? Spock, we're on a planet full of Vulcans." That didn't answer his question, though, and both of them knew it. "I met this guy who says he's... you."
Spock was quietly contemplative, and if McCoy had any doubts about the Ambassador's story, they just went up in smoke. "I see. So he told you?"
"Yeah. We talked about a lot." More silence. "Listen, I need to get back to work, but I just wanted to apologize, and I hope you can forgive me. All right? I'll see you later, Spock."
He terminated the connection before Spock even had a chance to reply.
[ + ]
"So let me get this straight," Kirk said, talking with his hands as much as his lips, as always. "Spock's going into... Vulcan heat, for lack of a better word. He's got to bang someone or he'll die. And you want me..." He pointed at himself with a fork, cocking an eyebrow. "...to go forth and find a suitable Vulcan female for my hormonally imbalanced First Officer?"
Bones rolled his eyes and yanked the fork out of Kirk's hands before he killed someone. "Yeah, basically."
"Do you not understand how wrong this sounds?"
"I don't get what's so wrong with it!" McCoy stabbed his replicated dinner with Jim's fork, and shoved a piece of steak into his mouth.
Kirk just stared, his mouth hanging open a little. "Okay, is there some part of your retarded brain that doesn't understand this? Pon farr isn't just fuck or die, it's a marriage ceremony, Bones."
"I know!" He threw his hands up, getting more frustrated with this conversation by the second. "Goddamnit don't think I don't know that. Wait a minute, how do you know that?"
Kirk grabbed his fork back and shoved some potatoes in his mouth. "...Spock told me."
Bones was good at listening to Jim Kirk's bullshit, though. "SPOCK told you?!"
"Kind of!" He shoved his hands up in supplication. "It was sort of complicated! And accidental!"
"Acci-" McCoy yanked the fork out of Kirk's hands and threatened him with it. "Explain. Yourself."
He swallowed, and took a deep breath. "Spock told me, through a mindmeld, and that's why it was accidental, not to mention it... wasn't... this... Spock."
"Oh." Bones subsided, and mulishly poked at his steak. "Old guy Spock. He told you."
"Yeah." Kirk looked really, really relieved that he didn't have to explain that one. "We'd barely even met."
"Whatever." Poke. Poke. Poke. "He's the one who told me, too, as a matter of fact."
Kirk looked surprised. "What, Spock didn't even tell you himself?"
"No, retard. He never tells me anything." The last was a grumble, under his breath and maybe even subconscious. Kirk decided he would leave well enough alone.
"All right, well, there's a lot more going on than I'm being told, apparently," and really, he was sort of miffed that Spock hadn't told either of them about his crazy Vulcan sex rituals, which, if Old Guy Spock's memories were anything to go by, were pretty fucking fantastic, "so I'm just gonna be a good buddy and do whatever you tell me to. For now," he added, quickly. "I still think you're being a big dumb idiot, but you're also giving me an excuse to go hit on Vulcan girls, so." He clapped Bones on the shoulder. "It's worth it, for now. But you need to talk to Spock about this," he butted in quickly, over McCoy's grumbling bitch about how he didn't need to talk to Spock about anything, damnit, "because I think you've got the wrong idea about this whole thing."
Bones watched him walk away, then shook his head. "I've got the right idea, Jim, but you've got the wrong idea about me." He cursed under his breath, wished there were any better way out of this than relying on his morally-relative best friend.
[ + ]
"Jim, is there a particular reason why I've been dragged away from my duties?" They strolled companionably along the dust road, in between clusters of makeshift dwellings. His heart felt heavy and sick, every time they were here, but this time, his attention was distracted by controlling his own difficult biological reactions. He didn't see much but the ground in front of his feet, and the quiet, sure presence of his Captain at his side.
"Well, kind of." Kirk had his hands shoved in his pockets, and he sighed heavily. "Look, I know this whole pon farr thing is a touchy subject, and I'm not pissed that you didn't tell me about it - "
"Jim, that's private," Spock hissed, glaring at him.
" - because I already knew, anyway, but why the hell didn't you tell Bones?" Jim Kirk gave as good as he got in the glare business, and he'd been around Spock long enough that the sharp-eyed Vulcan stare barely had an effect anymore.
Spock turned away, stiffness in every line of his body. "I do not know what kind of relationship you think we have - "
"Oh, I think i have a pretty good idea."
" - but." Spock cut himself off, and swallowed. Thinking about Doctor McCoy set off all sorts of illogical biochemical reactions. "Pon farr is a permanent bond. It is not to be taken lightly - "
"Spock." Kirk shoved his body right in Spock's path, so he would have to stop and look up at him. "Pon farr can't be all that serious, or you wouldn't be suggesting that you get it on with any random Vulcan girl, you'd be doing what I know you want to do. Or, rather, who." His steady glare left no room for insubordination. "You're going to tell me why this is such an issue, or I'm going to order you to."
Spock's lips thinned into an even angrier line, if possible. "This is a private matter between Doctor McCoy and myself - "
"HELL it isn't, or else you'd be having this argument with HIM!" Kirk threw his hands up. Why was Spock so goddamn impossible? Oh, right, because he's a Vulcan. Well damn. "Jesus Christ Spock, I'm your friend. I thought we had something here, something where you actually tell me what the hell's wrong, and I try and help."
Spock looked guilty at that, and winced. Kirk felt bad for a minute there, too; he knew it was difficult, knew that from the memories. Cheating, in other words. But his Spock wasn't that Spock, and his Spock was going to confide in him, no matter what he was feeling.
"...I have come to the conclusion, based on our previous history and knowledge of events in his past - "
"In other words, you guessed-"
"Jim." Spock cut him off, and his eyes pleaded for him to cut the bullshit and just let him finish. Kirk relented. "Leonard is afraid of commitment. He will only continue a relationship with me if he can convince himself that it will not last. Life bonds tend to be detrimental to that sort of delicate arrangement."
"Delicate arr-" Kirk had to stop himself, because really, he was trying to be a good guy here, and a good friend. "All right. Fine. Now explain how making a permanent life bond with some Vulcan piece of ass that you don't even know will make things better."
Spock raised an eyebrow at him. The eyebrow said, 'I know what you were about to say, and I don't like it.' He said, "The 'Vulcan piece of ass' to which I was referring was not, in fact, someone I do not know. She is an old friend of mine who has also lost her mate in the destruction of Vulcan, and we have a similar attachment to our professions. You would not lose an officer, and she would not be expected to maintain a family unit, allowing her to instead devote her time to her work."
Kirk was pretty sure Spock was making half of that up in his head. "Spock. You do realize that makes it worse?"
Spock's eyebrow was definitively informing him that this conversation was over. "It's perfectly logical.If you'll excuse me, Captain?"
Kirk could swear he saw Spock snap his heels together before he walked off. But no, that would have been illogical.
[ + ]
And then Kirk found out that Spock's friend was a doctor.
He called an emergency bridge meeting, deliberately neglecting to invite Spock or McCoy. The second everyone was there, he sealed off the conference room and told the computer to shut off everything, this was top secret and no one could be allowed to hear of this, ever again.
Naturally, a stone quiet fell over the group. What was it? Was it about the Vulcan virus? New orders from Starfleet? Interstellar war?
Kirk leaned forward on the table, bracing himself on outstretched hands. "How many of you," he began, pinninig everyone with his trademark srsbzns Kirk eyes. "Were aware that First Officer Spock was involved in a relationship with Chief Medical Officer McCoy?"
Oh. Everyone exchanged a look of something like relief, and then, in tandem, raised their hands.
Kirk wasn't surprised in the slightest. "That's what I thought," he said, and finally took a seat. "Now, I'm serious when I say that this information cannot leave this room. I'm prying into Spock's private life and you all know that's a bad idea," oh, they all remembered how it went, "but if I don't, I'm going to have to deal with drama the size of the galaxy, and as a Captain, I can't have that on my ship. So, if you all know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouths shut."
They all nodded.
Kirk took a deep breath. Spock was going to murder him. "Every seven years, Vulcans go through something called pon farr. It's a mating cycle and a marriage ritual all in one. This should be fine. Except Spock has got it into his head that Bones is afraid of commitment, so somehow, he thinks it would be a good idea to bond to someone else. Not just anyone - an old friend, who happens to be a doctor." He cocked an eyebrow, meeting everyone's eyes to be sure they got the message. "Is everyone understanding why this is an awful idea?"
"Jim, what if Doctor McCoy really is afraid of commitment-"
Kirk cut Uhura off with a sharp wave of his hand. "Does it matter? How long do you think they've been together?"
Chekov blinked, nervously. "...A few months? I found out not too long ago, in the sickbay..."
Sulu shook his head. "At least six months. I caught them in the cafeteria."
"Eight," Scotty put in, "They shoulda know better than t'do it in the engine room."
"They've been wearing each other's clothes for a year," the replacement Science Officer pointed out, and Kirk was going to have to give her a commendation for attention to detail, or something.
Uhura smiled. "Spock told me about a year and a half ago." Which figured.
And then, though she wasn't quite bridge crew, Christine Chapel spoke up. And Kirk knew he'd been right in inviting her along. "Two years and twenty-one days," she said evenly, a soft smile on her face.
Everyone stared, except for Kirk, who knew that already. "How did you know?" Chekov asked, his jaw hanging open.
Christine's eyebrows lifted slightly. "It was obvious. Their affection and attraction were evident for months beforehand; I remember the day that tension was gone. The Doctor even smiled as he did his paperwork."
There was another silent minute, while everyone either felt retarded for not noticing it themselves, or simply basked in awe of Christine's social observational skills. Kirk was still smirking.
And then Uhura gasped. "Hang on, Spock and I were still together then!"
Whoops. Kirk tried not to laugh as the women stared each other down; Uhura angry and judgmental, Chapel defensive.
"Chapel's right," he cut in, waving a hand between them. "Don't take it badly, Lieutenant. From what I remember, you were the one who wanted to break up with him anyway."
She sat back down, sighing. "That doesn't make it any more fair."
"Probably not, probably not. That's not the point." He drew their attention back to the problem at hand. "The point is, we all know that, issues aside, they are pretty damn committed. Bones didn't even drink himself silly on his anniversary this year. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he's happy." And no one knew Bones like Jim did; that was just a fact.
"So." He stood up and started pacing, because he looked good when he paced. "Here's what I'm thinking. What Bones needs is for Spock to demonstrate, undeniably, just how much he cares about him." He stopped behind Christine's chair, where she was looking up at him with a faint amusement. Or lust. He was pretty sure it was lust. "Spock's flippancy about this whole thing is just giving him the impression that he was right all along, and nothing's worth fighting for. Well, damnit, I'm not going to stand for that!"
Uhura sighed. "Jim, what's your point?" Great, she was probably going to be mad at himself for another six months. It wasn't his fault that both his best friends had made him swear a vow of silence. And if there was anyone he listened to, it was them.
"...I have a plan."
Author: igrab
Pairing: Spock/McCoy
Written For: st_xi_kink, for this prompt
Rating: PG-13 so far for language
Word Count: 3,140
Summary: Spock's pon farr approaches. Issues come up. Kirk attempts resolution (...oh dear).
They had their first real fight before McCoy realized what was going on.
It didn't make him feel any less shitty about the things he'd said, of course, but at least it was all starting to make sense. He wasn't going crazy and it wasn't his fault. It wasn't Spock's, either, but he was definitely the one going crazy.
Biologically, anyway.
They had been orbiting New Vulcan for the past week, answering to one of the colony's frequent (though polite) calls for help. If it had been Spock's wishes, they would be answering every single one of them (and, you know, not getting anywhere) but that's why Kirk was the captain and Spock was First Officer. Kirk was much better at deciding what was important enough to respond to and what had to take a backseat to the 5-year mission.
But, the distress signal this time had mentioned some kind of unusual virus, and Kirk and McCoy had only locked eyes for a second before agreeing that this was a call they had to answer. And so far, they'd been a big help, even if it meant that McCoy was constantly strained and exhausted and bitchier than usual.
It didn't matter, because he knew that every night he had someone to come home to. Someone who pressed warm fingers to the pressure points in his head, making the tension melt away, who brushed his lips over his eyelids and soothed him from the inside out, who whispered "Thank you", in that soft serious voice that came from the bottom of his green heart.
McCoy wasn't doing this for Vulcan. He was doing this for Spock.
He'd had the strangest experience several days ago, when he'd come upon an old man in the sickbay, just sort of hanging out and generally being bothersome. When he'd bitched up his usual storm and waved various threats of pointy objects to make him go away, he simply smiled, and McCoy was struck by a sudden sense of familiarity.
That conversation had to have been one of the weirdest in his life. And that included the time Jim had almost died from space opium. McCoy asked a lot of questions, and he didn't understand half the answers, but he had two choices when he didn't understand something - ignore it, or accept it, and the first one was kind of impossible.
He'd asked a lot of questions that he'd been wanting to ask, and could anyone blame him if they were 90% biology? Old guy Spock wasn't surprised in the slightest, and he coughed up the information much more readily than any other Vulcan was willing to do. Three years of answering Vulcan distress calls and he still didn't know how their hearts got enough blood to their brains, two years of a sexual relationship with First Officer Spock and he'd never heard the words 'pon farr'.
So yeah, it had taken him a day or two. Enough time for Spock's temper to lash out and scrape salt over old wounds, and it was uncalled for and rude and shocked McCoy to the root of his deep-seated affection for his lover, and when he bit back it was with no restraints.
Pon farr, huh. Crazy fucking Vulcans.
He called him on the intercom, private channel, he had a lot of work to do but this couldn't wait. "Hey, Spock."
"Leonard." It was hard to tell what Spock was feeling when he couldn't see his eyes, but the use of his first name meant he wasn't fucking furious anymore... probably.
"Look, I wanted to apologize. What I said last night..."
"Your apology is unnecessary; it was I who was at fault." There was only a breath's hesitation, and McCoy should've been surprised at how easily he admitted this. "There is, something that a Vulcan goes through..."
"Pon farr." He interrupted him, not wanting Spock to have to navigate all of his verbal shenanigans just to spit it out. "Yeah. I figured it out, today. That gives you an excuse but it doesn't mean I had any more right to be a douche."
He could almost see the mental jungle gym that Spock had to process to get around McCoy's vulgarity. It happened often enough. "How did you...?"
"Find out? Spock, we're on a planet full of Vulcans." That didn't answer his question, though, and both of them knew it. "I met this guy who says he's... you."
Spock was quietly contemplative, and if McCoy had any doubts about the Ambassador's story, they just went up in smoke. "I see. So he told you?"
"Yeah. We talked about a lot." More silence. "Listen, I need to get back to work, but I just wanted to apologize, and I hope you can forgive me. All right? I'll see you later, Spock."
He terminated the connection before Spock even had a chance to reply.
[ + ]
"So let me get this straight," Kirk said, talking with his hands as much as his lips, as always. "Spock's going into... Vulcan heat, for lack of a better word. He's got to bang someone or he'll die. And you want me..." He pointed at himself with a fork, cocking an eyebrow. "...to go forth and find a suitable Vulcan female for my hormonally imbalanced First Officer?"
Bones rolled his eyes and yanked the fork out of Kirk's hands before he killed someone. "Yeah, basically."
"Do you not understand how wrong this sounds?"
"I don't get what's so wrong with it!" McCoy stabbed his replicated dinner with Jim's fork, and shoved a piece of steak into his mouth.
Kirk just stared, his mouth hanging open a little. "Okay, is there some part of your retarded brain that doesn't understand this? Pon farr isn't just fuck or die, it's a marriage ceremony, Bones."
"I know!" He threw his hands up, getting more frustrated with this conversation by the second. "Goddamnit don't think I don't know that. Wait a minute, how do you know that?"
Kirk grabbed his fork back and shoved some potatoes in his mouth. "...Spock told me."
Bones was good at listening to Jim Kirk's bullshit, though. "SPOCK told you?!"
"Kind of!" He shoved his hands up in supplication. "It was sort of complicated! And accidental!"
"Acci-" McCoy yanked the fork out of Kirk's hands and threatened him with it. "Explain. Yourself."
He swallowed, and took a deep breath. "Spock told me, through a mindmeld, and that's why it was accidental, not to mention it... wasn't... this... Spock."
"Oh." Bones subsided, and mulishly poked at his steak. "Old guy Spock. He told you."
"Yeah." Kirk looked really, really relieved that he didn't have to explain that one. "We'd barely even met."
"Whatever." Poke. Poke. Poke. "He's the one who told me, too, as a matter of fact."
Kirk looked surprised. "What, Spock didn't even tell you himself?"
"No, retard. He never tells me anything." The last was a grumble, under his breath and maybe even subconscious. Kirk decided he would leave well enough alone.
"All right, well, there's a lot more going on than I'm being told, apparently," and really, he was sort of miffed that Spock hadn't told either of them about his crazy Vulcan sex rituals, which, if Old Guy Spock's memories were anything to go by, were pretty fucking fantastic, "so I'm just gonna be a good buddy and do whatever you tell me to. For now," he added, quickly. "I still think you're being a big dumb idiot, but you're also giving me an excuse to go hit on Vulcan girls, so." He clapped Bones on the shoulder. "It's worth it, for now. But you need to talk to Spock about this," he butted in quickly, over McCoy's grumbling bitch about how he didn't need to talk to Spock about anything, damnit, "because I think you've got the wrong idea about this whole thing."
Bones watched him walk away, then shook his head. "I've got the right idea, Jim, but you've got the wrong idea about me." He cursed under his breath, wished there were any better way out of this than relying on his morally-relative best friend.
[ + ]
"Jim, is there a particular reason why I've been dragged away from my duties?" They strolled companionably along the dust road, in between clusters of makeshift dwellings. His heart felt heavy and sick, every time they were here, but this time, his attention was distracted by controlling his own difficult biological reactions. He didn't see much but the ground in front of his feet, and the quiet, sure presence of his Captain at his side.
"Well, kind of." Kirk had his hands shoved in his pockets, and he sighed heavily. "Look, I know this whole pon farr thing is a touchy subject, and I'm not pissed that you didn't tell me about it - "
"Jim, that's private," Spock hissed, glaring at him.
" - because I already knew, anyway, but why the hell didn't you tell Bones?" Jim Kirk gave as good as he got in the glare business, and he'd been around Spock long enough that the sharp-eyed Vulcan stare barely had an effect anymore.
Spock turned away, stiffness in every line of his body. "I do not know what kind of relationship you think we have - "
"Oh, I think i have a pretty good idea."
" - but." Spock cut himself off, and swallowed. Thinking about Doctor McCoy set off all sorts of illogical biochemical reactions. "Pon farr is a permanent bond. It is not to be taken lightly - "
"Spock." Kirk shoved his body right in Spock's path, so he would have to stop and look up at him. "Pon farr can't be all that serious, or you wouldn't be suggesting that you get it on with any random Vulcan girl, you'd be doing what I know you want to do. Or, rather, who." His steady glare left no room for insubordination. "You're going to tell me why this is such an issue, or I'm going to order you to."
Spock's lips thinned into an even angrier line, if possible. "This is a private matter between Doctor McCoy and myself - "
"HELL it isn't, or else you'd be having this argument with HIM!" Kirk threw his hands up. Why was Spock so goddamn impossible? Oh, right, because he's a Vulcan. Well damn. "Jesus Christ Spock, I'm your friend. I thought we had something here, something where you actually tell me what the hell's wrong, and I try and help."
Spock looked guilty at that, and winced. Kirk felt bad for a minute there, too; he knew it was difficult, knew that from the memories. Cheating, in other words. But his Spock wasn't that Spock, and his Spock was going to confide in him, no matter what he was feeling.
"...I have come to the conclusion, based on our previous history and knowledge of events in his past - "
"In other words, you guessed-"
"Jim." Spock cut him off, and his eyes pleaded for him to cut the bullshit and just let him finish. Kirk relented. "Leonard is afraid of commitment. He will only continue a relationship with me if he can convince himself that it will not last. Life bonds tend to be detrimental to that sort of delicate arrangement."
"Delicate arr-" Kirk had to stop himself, because really, he was trying to be a good guy here, and a good friend. "All right. Fine. Now explain how making a permanent life bond with some Vulcan piece of ass that you don't even know will make things better."
Spock raised an eyebrow at him. The eyebrow said, 'I know what you were about to say, and I don't like it.' He said, "The 'Vulcan piece of ass' to which I was referring was not, in fact, someone I do not know. She is an old friend of mine who has also lost her mate in the destruction of Vulcan, and we have a similar attachment to our professions. You would not lose an officer, and she would not be expected to maintain a family unit, allowing her to instead devote her time to her work."
Kirk was pretty sure Spock was making half of that up in his head. "Spock. You do realize that makes it worse?"
Spock's eyebrow was definitively informing him that this conversation was over. "It's perfectly logical.If you'll excuse me, Captain?"
Kirk could swear he saw Spock snap his heels together before he walked off. But no, that would have been illogical.
[ + ]
And then Kirk found out that Spock's friend was a doctor.
He called an emergency bridge meeting, deliberately neglecting to invite Spock or McCoy. The second everyone was there, he sealed off the conference room and told the computer to shut off everything, this was top secret and no one could be allowed to hear of this, ever again.
Naturally, a stone quiet fell over the group. What was it? Was it about the Vulcan virus? New orders from Starfleet? Interstellar war?
Kirk leaned forward on the table, bracing himself on outstretched hands. "How many of you," he began, pinninig everyone with his trademark srsbzns Kirk eyes. "Were aware that First Officer Spock was involved in a relationship with Chief Medical Officer McCoy?"
Oh. Everyone exchanged a look of something like relief, and then, in tandem, raised their hands.
Kirk wasn't surprised in the slightest. "That's what I thought," he said, and finally took a seat. "Now, I'm serious when I say that this information cannot leave this room. I'm prying into Spock's private life and you all know that's a bad idea," oh, they all remembered how it went, "but if I don't, I'm going to have to deal with drama the size of the galaxy, and as a Captain, I can't have that on my ship. So, if you all know what's good for you, you'll keep your mouths shut."
They all nodded.
Kirk took a deep breath. Spock was going to murder him. "Every seven years, Vulcans go through something called pon farr. It's a mating cycle and a marriage ritual all in one. This should be fine. Except Spock has got it into his head that Bones is afraid of commitment, so somehow, he thinks it would be a good idea to bond to someone else. Not just anyone - an old friend, who happens to be a doctor." He cocked an eyebrow, meeting everyone's eyes to be sure they got the message. "Is everyone understanding why this is an awful idea?"
"Jim, what if Doctor McCoy really is afraid of commitment-"
Kirk cut Uhura off with a sharp wave of his hand. "Does it matter? How long do you think they've been together?"
Chekov blinked, nervously. "...A few months? I found out not too long ago, in the sickbay..."
Sulu shook his head. "At least six months. I caught them in the cafeteria."
"Eight," Scotty put in, "They shoulda know better than t'do it in the engine room."
"They've been wearing each other's clothes for a year," the replacement Science Officer pointed out, and Kirk was going to have to give her a commendation for attention to detail, or something.
Uhura smiled. "Spock told me about a year and a half ago." Which figured.
And then, though she wasn't quite bridge crew, Christine Chapel spoke up. And Kirk knew he'd been right in inviting her along. "Two years and twenty-one days," she said evenly, a soft smile on her face.
Everyone stared, except for Kirk, who knew that already. "How did you know?" Chekov asked, his jaw hanging open.
Christine's eyebrows lifted slightly. "It was obvious. Their affection and attraction were evident for months beforehand; I remember the day that tension was gone. The Doctor even smiled as he did his paperwork."
There was another silent minute, while everyone either felt retarded for not noticing it themselves, or simply basked in awe of Christine's social observational skills. Kirk was still smirking.
And then Uhura gasped. "Hang on, Spock and I were still together then!"
Whoops. Kirk tried not to laugh as the women stared each other down; Uhura angry and judgmental, Chapel defensive.
"Chapel's right," he cut in, waving a hand between them. "Don't take it badly, Lieutenant. From what I remember, you were the one who wanted to break up with him anyway."
She sat back down, sighing. "That doesn't make it any more fair."
"Probably not, probably not. That's not the point." He drew their attention back to the problem at hand. "The point is, we all know that, issues aside, they are pretty damn committed. Bones didn't even drink himself silly on his anniversary this year. As much as he doesn't want to admit it, he's happy." And no one knew Bones like Jim did; that was just a fact.
"So." He stood up and started pacing, because he looked good when he paced. "Here's what I'm thinking. What Bones needs is for Spock to demonstrate, undeniably, just how much he cares about him." He stopped behind Christine's chair, where she was looking up at him with a faint amusement. Or lust. He was pretty sure it was lust. "Spock's flippancy about this whole thing is just giving him the impression that he was right all along, and nothing's worth fighting for. Well, damnit, I'm not going to stand for that!"
Uhura sighed. "Jim, what's your point?" Great, she was probably going to be mad at himself for another six months. It wasn't his fault that both his best friends had made him swear a vow of silence. And if there was anyone he listened to, it was them.
"...I have a plan."