igrab
in
grabi_hands
Star Trek: The Motion Picture (abridged)
I NOW PRESENT:
STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (abridged)
Ship full of redshirts: OMG THERE IS A THING. *everyone dies*
Spock: ...
Vulcans: in this ancient timehonored blah blah blah come so far from your kirk-pining days blah blah...
Spock: ...
Vulcans: you have purged all emotion which is totes better because you were a sad wreck imho blah blah...
Spock: ....... (OMG MY JIM IN DANGER SENSES. TINGLING. TINGLING.)
Vulcans: ...wtf spock you are tingling. i can. you. jesus christ you're still in love with him aren't you? WELL FUCK YOUR KOHLINAR, THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU.
Spock: (ZOMG JIM)
Kirk: So Spock, you'll use your mind meld powers and they'll give me the Enterprise back...
Sonak: I-I sir, I'm not Spock.
Kirk: ...it feels so good to have a Vulcan at my side, it kind of makes me all tingly actually...
Sonak: Sir, I'm - oh fuck this. I'll see you on the bridge, Admiral. 8|
Kirk: ...and then I punched him in the nuts, and he said, 'FINE, JIM. THE ENTERPRISE IS YOURS.'
Scotty: That's how it's done, Admiral!
*fifteen minutes of enterprise porn*
Kirk: Oh... oh Scotty, she's so... oh... oh... OH...
Scotty: Ah, Admiral, wait 'til ya get inside!
Kirk: HAY GQMFS. WHAT'S UP.
Everyone: *closes their porn* HAY THERE SIR!
Kirk: Sorry about the delay, I had to change my pants when I got on board. So. What's new.
Uhura: Well, you know, Decker, he... he doesn't know... about you...
Kirk: oh fffff Fine. BRB.
Kirk: So, 'sup Decker.
Decker: A-admiral! *closes porn* I didn't know you were coming.
Kirk: Decker, Decker, you should always be prepared for when I come.
Decker: ...
Kirk: No but really GTFO.
Decker: But-
Kirk: Shhh. Shhh, it's okay. It's because I have more experience, you know, I can last longer, in a new... situation. Look just shut up and take it like a girl.
Decker: Sir D|
Rand: NNNOOOO DO NOT WANT. TAKE IT BACK.
Starfleet Command: NO GIVEBACKS! INDIAN GIVER.
Kirk: Actually I think that's -
Sonak: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH
Kirk: Oh, ow, my ears. Eurgh. Good thing we gave them back just in time. Groooosss D:
Kirk: Where's the potty?
Redshirt: Er-
Decker: >8| YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE POTTY IS, ERGO YOU WILL GET US ALL KILLED. BETCH.
Kirk: So, GQMFs, this is what we're up against.
Everyone: *collective gasp*
Kirk: ... yeah okay big whoop whoop get to your posts, I don't accept excuses, like 'omgz we're gonna die' or 'I've been turned into a cow'. GO FORTH AND CONQUER!
Ilia: Like, hi!
Sulu, Chekov, Uhura: *ZOMG HOT CHICK*
Kirk: 'Sup.
Decker: o-omg Ilia my one true love D8
Ilia: ....what?
Kirk: ANYWAY, you can fly zis theeng rite?
Ilia: We can't have sex. I totally want to, but I'm telling you right now, we can't have sex. Not even if we were naked. I think you should be naked.
Kirk: ....what? you're not spock
Uhura: Uh, Kirk, we've got a kind of a -
Kirk: ZOMG BONES. *runs off*
Ilia: ......but, I wanted you to be naked.
Everyone else: WE CAN DO ZAT
Kirk: I need you. Badly. Right here, right now. I haven't had sex since Spock left. But you're going to have to shave first. Oh, and, you know, defy starfleet regulations to take over your old post and die bravely with us in space. But seriously, sex. Shave, then sex. Did you name that beard? Let's call it... 'Beardy.'
Bones: ... Spock would so murder me for this.
Sulu: Thrusters at-
Kirk: Mmm, thrusters.
Sulu: -the ready. Okay seriously can we leave now?
Kirk: Wait for it...... *dramatic pause* ....Take us out.
Sulu: Fucking finally-
Kirk: ....MAKE SURE YOU ENGAGE THE EXTERNAL INITIAL WHATEVER, LOL.
Sulu: it's only funny when Spock says it, sir :|
*fiteen minutes of takeoff! take a break. make some tea. have a nap. everyone else is!*
Decker: *technobabble*
Ilia: *smiles at him. everyone else on this ship is gay anyway.*
Kirk: LOL HAY BONES that was some great sex amirite
Bones: ... yeah okay whatever. :|
Kirk: I WANT WARP SPEED NOOOWWWWWWW
*RAINBOW COLORS! FALLING INTO HOLES! SLOOOOOW MOOOOOOTION! VOICE MODS! MOTION BLUR! PLEASE PUT ON YOUR 3D GLASSES NOW. it might make the overload of special effects more bearable!*
Decker: ARRRR BELAAAAAAY THAAAAAT
Enterprise: *wiggle wiggle wiggle*
Ilia: Myyy boooobs are bouuuuuncyyyyyyyy
*please remove your 3D glasses now.*
Decker: lol i know your ship better than youuuuu do
Kirk: .....D8 *WHINE*
Bones: ........no. no make up sex. stfu.
Decker: i love you omg D:
Ilia: ...who are you?
Bones: It's an obsession~ an obsesssionnnnnnn
Kirk: Yeah wtfever now str-
Uhura: Oh caaaaaaptain~
Kirk: ...what NOW :|
Uhura: IDK, some sort of shuttle, thing. It feels a little like a main character introduction, I wonder who it could be?
Kirk: yeah whatever. anything ELSE, bones?
Bones: .... you miss Spock, don't you?
Kirk: ........... 3;
*fifteen minutes of shuttle/enterprise porn! go take a pee, you need it by now. plus, you're going to want to pay attention to the next scenes!*
Spock: *APPEARS*
Chekov: AHSJKHGJSFGFD-
Spock: *not jim. walks off.*
Spock: *APPEARS*
Jim: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...Spock. !!!!*&@&@!!!!!@11111!!!! ...Spock.
Spock: *MY KOHLINAR TRAINING DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS OH GOD I MEAN. I MEAN. OH FUCK I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM UH WHO ELSE IS THERE??* Commander. If I may. *HE IS A COMMANDER RIGHT OH WHO THE FUCK CARES*
Decker: *what what why didn't he say anything to the admiral oh god they had a fight didn't they and that's why he left oh god I'M SITTING IN HIS CHAIR, I AM SITTING IN SPOCK'S CHAIR OH GOD.* Uh.
Spock: *TAKES OVER LIKE THE KING OF GQMFS*
Kirk: 8D~
Spock: *gets self under control, finally oh god.* I offer my services. .................As science officer.
Kirk: 8D~ if, you know, decker doesn't put up a girly fit.
Decker: yeah because that would be smart, fuck, everyone knows not to stand between YOU two. FML.
Chapel and Bones: LIKE OMG HI~
Kirk: 8D~
Spock: ...............
Uhura: It's how we all-
Spock: *OMG EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH* I'M GONNA. YOU KNOW. BRB. *leaves*
Kirk: ...baby?
Spock: ....?
Kirk: ...I still love you. ):
Spock: .........*UNABLE TO RESPOND. LEAVES.*
Kirk: Captain's personal log... *fifteen minutes of sobbing*
Kirk: I mean, Captain's log.
*rainbow lights!*
Spock: Science officer Spock. Reporting as ordered, Captain.
Kirk: ...Please, sit down. ):
Bones: *attempts to lighten the mood!*
Kirk: *BITTER, WILL NOT BE HAVING THIS* Last I heard, you... were on Vulcan. Apparently, to stay. *you left me because I was a fucking philandering dickhole but everything's different and you're the only one who looks good in these jumpsuits and what bones is talking? who gives.* Sit down.
Spock: *ignores*
Bones: You were going to, yano, purge all emotion.
Kirk: But now you're here. *does that mean what i think it means i'm overanalyzing everything why aren't you sitting down spock spock spock spock SPOCK*
Spock: *has no good answer for this. :|*
Kirk: SOB SIT THE FUCK DOWN SPOCK, PLEASE D;
Spock: .....*sits. still trying to figure out what to say.*
Kirk: );
Spock: I came here to mindmeld with that thing, you know, it's all perfect and shit, and it had nothing to do whatsoever with you being in danger, or anything, also you didn't make me fail my kohlinar, let's just get the straight, i left to make contact with the thing. that's. that's it.
Bones: ..... yeah, right
Kirk: stfu bones. Spock, please. I love you and I miss you and you're a part of this team. I need you. In more ways than one but I will take whatever you give, Spock, I'm yours. I'm just glad you're here. I can trust you.
Spock: *stiffly* Then my presence is to our mutual advantage.
Kirk: *all right, so. he's still mad at me. all right. fine. that's completely reasonable. i'm fucking heartbroken about it, but it's all right. fuck, it has to be all right.* ...yeah. yeah, okay.
Spock: *leaves*
Bones: ....Jim.
Kirk: );
Bones: Jim, I know. I know you want to hope he came back for you, but can we really trust him? What if he really has no emotion left?
Kirk: ....I can't believe that.
Not-Majel-Barrett computer: RED. ALERT. RED. ALERT. SHIP IS ON RED ALERT.
Spock: *plot, technobabble*
Kirk: *plot, lack of technobabble*
Decker: *plot!*
Kirk: *uses Captain's Intuition! IT IS SUPER EFFECTIVE*
Decker: *uses Whiny Bitch! Kirk loses two hit points!*
Spock: O_O
Kirk: omg baby what it is D:
Spock: I can feel it with my miiiiind...
*3D glasses on! BRACE FOR IMPACT!*
Chekov: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Sulu: lol that was fun.
Spock: *plot!*
Kirk: ...Spock... Spock..... Spock! ....Spock....
Everyone: *doesn't die. collective sigh of relief.*
*3D glasses off!*
Decker: *whine!*
Kirk: No.
Decker: But-
Kirk: Shh.
*OK, EFFECTS TIME! no need for 3D glasses, it's very soothing, but now is a good time to check your email, make some peanut butter crackers, finish up any fics you've been reading...*
Kirk: Omg, Spock, it's so beautiful.
Spock: Mmm. *stands closer*
*...call your mum, make some icons, do a crossword...*
Kirk: So, tell Starfleet how fucking bored we are, k?
Uhura: No can do, sir.
Kirk: FML.
*...finish up those peanut butter crackers, return books to the library, check your flist...*
Kirk: Ok, you know what, Sulu? Drive us around in circles.
Sulu: What?
Kirk: I am FUCKING BORED.
Sulu: Yeeees, sir.
*...walk the dog, finish your homework, troll 4chan...*
...
*five hours later*
Computer: INTRUDER. ALERT. INTRUDER. ALERT.
Kirk: FUCKING FINALLY OW MY EAR MAYBE
Spock: Hm. Fascinating.
Shiny lights: *touchie touchie touchie*
Decker: It's... it's...
Spock: *PERCUSSIVE FORCE!* *gets blasted*
Kirk: BABY D:
Spock: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Ilia: Oh tee that tingles... *disappears*
Decker: OMG ILIA NNNOOOOOOOOOOO kirk you bitch it's all your fault.
Spock: Hm. Fascinating.
*Some really boring plot and technobabble happens, but by now, you're probably so bored that anyone talking is interesting. However, if you put your 3D glasses on, it looks MUCH BETTER.*
Spock: Resistance is futile.
Decker: But, Spock-
Kirk: Shut up, you don't fucking talk back to Spock. I'm telling you this with my EYES because you already know how fucking possessive I am so I don't even NEED to open my mouth.
Decker: *whine* but whyyyyyyy.
Spock: insatiable. curiosity.
Kirk: *did not hear anything after 'insatiable'* *STANDS UP LIKE LOOK AT MY FUCKING CHEST I AM MANLY. YOU LIKE MY CONFIDENCE DON'T YOU, SPOCK.*
Decker: ...down their throat...
Kirk: ...just where they want us...
Spock: *ignores you and your silly innuendos* I believe the closed orifice leads to another chamber, undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. I suspect it may be necess... *trails off, realizes he's just made an innuendo of his own. well fuck.*
*luckily, the awkward moment is saved by an INTRUDER. ALERT.*
Kirk: Spock. *does not need to say any more!*
Spock: *follows*
*did you take your 3D glasses off? well, put them back on, because you're gonna need it for NAKED GLOWY SPARKLY BALD GIRLS IN PURPLE SHINIES.*
Ilia: I talk. Like. A llama. I am from. V'ger.
Kirk: ....V'ger?
Ilia: V'ger.
Kirk: V'ger?
Ilia: V'ger.
Kirk: ...V'ger?
Ilia: V'ger wishes to join with The Creator.
Spock: How?
Ilia: The Creator and V'ger will become one.
Spock: But-
Kirk: Sex, Spock. She's talking about sex.
Spock: he knew that
Decker: ....
Chapel: ...duplicates all body functions, which basically means you could bang her if you wanted.
Ilia: ...De...cker?
Spock: Interesting. She knows your name.
Decker: *MOOOOVES CLOSER*
Kirk: ...okay, okay, let's keep it in the pants, Commander.
Spock: Her memories might be there, under all of it. You used to have a relationship. She might still remember you. Underneath. It all. This is not a metaphor for him and Kirk, by the way! OF COURSE NOT
Decker: but-
Kirk: For the last time, shut the FUCK up! hit on her or I will-
Ilia: *WALKS THROUGH THE WALL.* HEY. GAIZ. SUP.
Kirk: Captain's personal log. I still can't tell what Spock's thinking. I mean, I never used to be able to, only a little, but now it's like - some inner part of him has gone off somewhere, and I can't reach him, I can't touch him, anymore. Emotionally. But- but. But then he'll say something, or do something - and, just for a moment, I hope. I will always have hope.
Kirk: *COUGH* I mean. Captain's log.
Decker: The ship, let me show it to you!
Ilia: what?
*~EPIC EYE CONTACT AND DRAMATIC MUSIC!~ COULD IT BE? ROMANC- nope. never mind.*
ALL RIGHT ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? *cue mission impossible music!*
Spock: *is awesome*
*....and then the awesome is interrupted for a fucking stupid scene with Ilia and the worst headband in the world. mute the video, and keep playing mission impossible music!*
*all right, once you see Spock again, unmute!*
Spock: Computer, commence recording. Captain. I am now going to prove that I am completely insane in control of myself, and utterly unmoved by your emotions and innuendos.
Chekov: OMG captain Spock took a thruster suit!
Kirk: A what?
Chekov: A thruster... suit.
Kirk: Sorry all I heard was thruster. What?
Chekov: HE'S GOING INSIDE.
Kirk: WHAT WHERE?
Chekov: Into the... you know... into the alien.
Kirk: 8|
*3D glasses on!*
Spock: I have successfully penetrated the next chamber of the alien's interior. Take that, Captain!
*fifteen minutes of Spock penetrating. this is much less exciting than it sounds.*
Spock: .....so basically, because I can already hear Bones bitching at me, V'ger's a living machine, and I'm going to mindmeld with it. Because I am a fucking retard.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGH!
Kirk: *IS WAITING PATIENTLY, FOR HIS BB. SPOCK SPOCK SPOCK SPOCK SPOCK. OH MY GOD THERE HE IS. IS HE UNCONSCIOUS OH MY GOD* SPOCK! Spock! Spock... you fucking idiot, you fucking idiot. Sob.
Chapel: blah blah
Bones: blah blah he probably has brain damage, the big idiot blah-
Spock: .... *chuckles*.
Everyone: .........................
Spock: *chuckles~*.
Kirk: *RUSHES OVER* Spock.
Spock: Jim. *smiles* I should have known.
Kirk: Were you right? ...About V'ger, I mean.
Spock: A lifeform of its own. A conscious, living entity.
Kirk: It considers the Enterprise a living machine, I mean, not that she isn't, but... *worried. no idea what to say. relieved. babbling.*
Spock: I saw V'ger's planet... a planet populated by living machines. Unbelieveable technology... *looks at Kirk, really looks at him.* V'ger has knowledge that spans this universe, and yet.... with all its pure logic....
Kirk: *no idea where this is going, but Spock is here, he's really here, and he's alive, and his eyes are so warm.*
Spock: ...V'ger is barren. Cold. No... mystery. No ... beauty. *smiles softly, closes eyes* I should've... should've known.
Kirk: Known. *can't, can't hope, has to hope, oh god Spock don't fall asleep or die or - NOT NOW.* Known what?! Spock!!
Bones: *opens his mouth*
Kirk: BONES. 8|. *do not, do not stop me, for fuck's sake!!* *grabs Spock's shoulders* Spock. What. What should you have known? *tell me, tell me what you're thinking for the love of. for. for love.*
Spock: *looks over slowly, still smiling. squeezes kirk's arm - no, then, takes his hand. he needs to make this absolutely, crystal clear. he is done with repression and doubt. he is done.* This... simple feeling........ is beyond V'ger's comprehension.
Kirk: *oh, he understands. fuck. he understands, and he will NOT cry, damnit. but he grips Spock's hand in both of his own, unable to speak.*
Spock: ...No meaning. No hope. Jim. *smiles* No answers. It's asking questions... *questions I asked myself, questions I thought it would have the answers to, but-*
Kirk: What questions?
Spock: *...but it turns out I already did.* Is this... all that I am? Is there nothing more?
Kirk: ...*and he knows, he understands. He is the answer. He is Spock's answer. And everything else pales away.*
Uhura: ....Bridge to Captain-
Kirk: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
*five hours later, when you're done fangirling...*
Decker: No, see, I have to have sex with V'ger. That will solve everything.
Kirk: Okay, listen to me, sex does NOT solve everything!
Bones: *SNORTS*
Decker: Oh, come on, just because you and Spock made up-
Spock: *smirks* Jim, I believe he may be right. At any rate, if he wishes to...
Kirk: ...then who am I to deny it, right? FINE. *huffs* But we are SO doing it when this is over.
Spock: You have my word, Captain.
Bones: *makes gagging noises*
Decker and Ilia: *THEY CAME*
Sulu: So, where to?
Kirk: Well, the second we get back to Starfleet, they're going to read me the riot act and I'll be up to my ears in paperwork, which means no time for sex for at least a week, so... uh... THAT WAY. *points* *grabs Spock and drags him off to the captain's quarters*
Everyone else: *CHEERS*
THE END.
STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE (abridged)
Ship full of redshirts: OMG THERE IS A THING. *everyone dies*
Spock: ...
Vulcans: in this ancient timehonored blah blah blah come so far from your kirk-pining days blah blah...
Spock: ...
Vulcans: you have purged all emotion which is totes better because you were a sad wreck imho blah blah...
Spock: ....... (OMG MY JIM IN DANGER SENSES. TINGLING. TINGLING.)
Vulcans: ...wtf spock you are tingling. i can. you. jesus christ you're still in love with him aren't you? WELL FUCK YOUR KOHLINAR, THERE IS NO HOPE FOR YOU.
Spock: (ZOMG JIM)
Kirk: So Spock, you'll use your mind meld powers and they'll give me the Enterprise back...
Sonak: I-I sir, I'm not Spock.
Kirk: ...it feels so good to have a Vulcan at my side, it kind of makes me all tingly actually...
Sonak: Sir, I'm - oh fuck this. I'll see you on the bridge, Admiral. 8|
Kirk: ...and then I punched him in the nuts, and he said, 'FINE, JIM. THE ENTERPRISE IS YOURS.'
Scotty: That's how it's done, Admiral!
*fifteen minutes of enterprise porn*
Kirk: Oh... oh Scotty, she's so... oh... oh... OH...
Scotty: Ah, Admiral, wait 'til ya get inside!
Kirk: HAY GQMFS. WHAT'S UP.
Everyone: *closes their porn* HAY THERE SIR!
Kirk: Sorry about the delay, I had to change my pants when I got on board. So. What's new.
Uhura: Well, you know, Decker, he... he doesn't know... about you...
Kirk: oh fffff Fine. BRB.
Kirk: So, 'sup Decker.
Decker: A-admiral! *closes porn* I didn't know you were coming.
Kirk: Decker, Decker, you should always be prepared for when I come.
Decker: ...
Kirk: No but really GTFO.
Decker: But-
Kirk: Shhh. Shhh, it's okay. It's because I have more experience, you know, I can last longer, in a new... situation. Look just shut up and take it like a girl.
Decker: Sir D|
Rand: NNNOOOO DO NOT WANT. TAKE IT BACK.
Starfleet Command: NO GIVEBACKS! INDIAN GIVER.
Kirk: Actually I think that's -
Sonak: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH
Kirk: Oh, ow, my ears. Eurgh. Good thing we gave them back just in time. Groooosss D:
Kirk: Where's the potty?
Redshirt: Er-
Decker: >8| YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THE POTTY IS, ERGO YOU WILL GET US ALL KILLED. BETCH.
Kirk: So, GQMFs, this is what we're up against.
Everyone: *collective gasp*
Kirk: ... yeah okay big whoop whoop get to your posts, I don't accept excuses, like 'omgz we're gonna die' or 'I've been turned into a cow'. GO FORTH AND CONQUER!
Ilia: Like, hi!
Sulu, Chekov, Uhura: *ZOMG HOT CHICK*
Kirk: 'Sup.
Decker: o-omg Ilia my one true love D8
Ilia: ....what?
Kirk: ANYWAY, you can fly zis theeng rite?
Ilia: We can't have sex. I totally want to, but I'm telling you right now, we can't have sex. Not even if we were naked. I think you should be naked.
Kirk: ....what? you're not spock
Uhura: Uh, Kirk, we've got a kind of a -
Kirk: ZOMG BONES. *runs off*
Ilia: ......but, I wanted you to be naked.
Everyone else: WE CAN DO ZAT
Kirk: I need you. Badly. Right here, right now. I haven't had sex since Spock left. But you're going to have to shave first. Oh, and, you know, defy starfleet regulations to take over your old post and die bravely with us in space. But seriously, sex. Shave, then sex. Did you name that beard? Let's call it... 'Beardy.'
Bones: ... Spock would so murder me for this.
Sulu: Thrusters at-
Kirk: Mmm, thrusters.
Sulu: -the ready. Okay seriously can we leave now?
Kirk: Wait for it...... *dramatic pause* ....Take us out.
Sulu: Fucking finally-
Kirk: ....MAKE SURE YOU ENGAGE THE EXTERNAL INITIAL WHATEVER, LOL.
Sulu: it's only funny when Spock says it, sir :|
*fiteen minutes of takeoff! take a break. make some tea. have a nap. everyone else is!*
Decker: *technobabble*
Ilia: *smiles at him. everyone else on this ship is gay anyway.*
Kirk: LOL HAY BONES that was some great sex amirite
Bones: ... yeah okay whatever. :|
Kirk: I WANT WARP SPEED NOOOWWWWWWW
*RAINBOW COLORS! FALLING INTO HOLES! SLOOOOOW MOOOOOOTION! VOICE MODS! MOTION BLUR! PLEASE PUT ON YOUR 3D GLASSES NOW. it might make the overload of special effects more bearable!*
Decker: ARRRR BELAAAAAAY THAAAAAT
Enterprise: *wiggle wiggle wiggle*
Ilia: Myyy boooobs are bouuuuuncyyyyyyyy
*please remove your 3D glasses now.*
Decker: lol i know your ship better than youuuuu do
Kirk: .....D8 *WHINE*
Bones: ........no. no make up sex. stfu.
Decker: i love you omg D:
Ilia: ...who are you?
Bones: It's an obsession~ an obsesssionnnnnnn
Kirk: Yeah wtfever now str-
Uhura: Oh caaaaaaptain~
Kirk: ...what NOW :|
Uhura: IDK, some sort of shuttle, thing. It feels a little like a main character introduction, I wonder who it could be?
Kirk: yeah whatever. anything ELSE, bones?
Bones: .... you miss Spock, don't you?
Kirk: ........... 3;
*fifteen minutes of shuttle/enterprise porn! go take a pee, you need it by now. plus, you're going to want to pay attention to the next scenes!*
Spock: *APPEARS*
Chekov: AHSJKHGJSFGFD-
Spock: *not jim. walks off.*
Spock: *APPEARS*
Jim: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ...Spock. !!!!*&@&@!!!!!@11111!!!! ...Spock.
Spock: *MY KOHLINAR TRAINING DID NOT PREPARE ME FOR THIS OH GOD I MEAN. I MEAN. OH FUCK I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT HIM UH WHO ELSE IS THERE??* Commander. If I may. *HE IS A COMMANDER RIGHT OH WHO THE FUCK CARES*
Decker: *what what why didn't he say anything to the admiral oh god they had a fight didn't they and that's why he left oh god I'M SITTING IN HIS CHAIR, I AM SITTING IN SPOCK'S CHAIR OH GOD.* Uh.
Spock: *TAKES OVER LIKE THE KING OF GQMFS*
Kirk: 8D~
Spock: *gets self under control, finally oh god.* I offer my services. .................As science officer.
Kirk: 8D~ if, you know, decker doesn't put up a girly fit.
Decker: yeah because that would be smart, fuck, everyone knows not to stand between YOU two. FML.
Chapel and Bones: LIKE OMG HI~
Kirk: 8D~
Spock: ...............
Uhura: It's how we all-
Spock: *OMG EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH* I'M GONNA. YOU KNOW. BRB. *leaves*
Kirk: ...baby?
Spock: ....?
Kirk: ...I still love you. ):
Spock: .........*UNABLE TO RESPOND. LEAVES.*
Kirk: Captain's personal log... *fifteen minutes of sobbing*
Kirk: I mean, Captain's log.
*rainbow lights!*
Spock: Science officer Spock. Reporting as ordered, Captain.
Kirk: ...Please, sit down. ):
Bones: *attempts to lighten the mood!*
Kirk: *BITTER, WILL NOT BE HAVING THIS* Last I heard, you... were on Vulcan. Apparently, to stay. *you left me because I was a fucking philandering dickhole but everything's different and you're the only one who looks good in these jumpsuits and what bones is talking? who gives.* Sit down.
Spock: *ignores*
Bones: You were going to, yano, purge all emotion.
Kirk: But now you're here. *does that mean what i think it means i'm overanalyzing everything why aren't you sitting down spock spock spock spock SPOCK*
Spock: *has no good answer for this. :|*
Kirk: SOB SIT THE FUCK DOWN SPOCK, PLEASE D;
Spock: .....*sits. still trying to figure out what to say.*
Kirk: );
Spock: I came here to mindmeld with that thing, you know, it's all perfect and shit, and it had nothing to do whatsoever with you being in danger, or anything, also you didn't make me fail my kohlinar, let's just get the straight, i left to make contact with the thing. that's. that's it.
Bones: ..... yeah, right
Kirk: stfu bones. Spock, please. I love you and I miss you and you're a part of this team. I need you. In more ways than one but I will take whatever you give, Spock, I'm yours. I'm just glad you're here. I can trust you.
Spock: *stiffly* Then my presence is to our mutual advantage.
Kirk: *all right, so. he's still mad at me. all right. fine. that's completely reasonable. i'm fucking heartbroken about it, but it's all right. fuck, it has to be all right.* ...yeah. yeah, okay.
Spock: *leaves*
Bones: ....Jim.
Kirk: );
Bones: Jim, I know. I know you want to hope he came back for you, but can we really trust him? What if he really has no emotion left?
Kirk: ....I can't believe that.
Not-Majel-Barrett computer: RED. ALERT. RED. ALERT. SHIP IS ON RED ALERT.
Spock: *plot, technobabble*
Kirk: *plot, lack of technobabble*
Decker: *plot!*
Kirk: *uses Captain's Intuition! IT IS SUPER EFFECTIVE*
Decker: *uses Whiny Bitch! Kirk loses two hit points!*
Spock: O_O
Kirk: omg baby what it is D:
Spock: I can feel it with my miiiiind...
*3D glasses on! BRACE FOR IMPACT!*
Chekov: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!
Sulu: lol that was fun.
Spock: *plot!*
Kirk: ...Spock... Spock..... Spock! ....Spock....
Everyone: *doesn't die. collective sigh of relief.*
*3D glasses off!*
Decker: *whine!*
Kirk: No.
Decker: But-
Kirk: Shh.
*OK, EFFECTS TIME! no need for 3D glasses, it's very soothing, but now is a good time to check your email, make some peanut butter crackers, finish up any fics you've been reading...*
Kirk: Omg, Spock, it's so beautiful.
Spock: Mmm. *stands closer*
*...call your mum, make some icons, do a crossword...*
Kirk: So, tell Starfleet how fucking bored we are, k?
Uhura: No can do, sir.
Kirk: FML.
*...finish up those peanut butter crackers, return books to the library, check your flist...*
Kirk: Ok, you know what, Sulu? Drive us around in circles.
Sulu: What?
Kirk: I am FUCKING BORED.
Sulu: Yeeees, sir.
*...walk the dog, finish your homework, troll 4chan...*
...
*five hours later*
Computer: INTRUDER. ALERT. INTRUDER. ALERT.
Kirk: FUCKING FINALLY OW MY EAR MAYBE
Spock: Hm. Fascinating.
Shiny lights: *touchie touchie touchie*
Decker: It's... it's...
Spock: *PERCUSSIVE FORCE!* *gets blasted*
Kirk: BABY D:
Spock: I'm fine, I'm fine.
Ilia: Oh tee that tingles... *disappears*
Decker: OMG ILIA NNNOOOOOOOOOOO kirk you bitch it's all your fault.
Spock: Hm. Fascinating.
*Some really boring plot and technobabble happens, but by now, you're probably so bored that anyone talking is interesting. However, if you put your 3D glasses on, it looks MUCH BETTER.*
Spock: Resistance is futile.
Decker: But, Spock-
Kirk: Shut up, you don't fucking talk back to Spock. I'm telling you this with my EYES because you already know how fucking possessive I am so I don't even NEED to open my mouth.
Decker: *whine* but whyyyyyyy.
Spock: insatiable. curiosity.
Kirk: *did not hear anything after 'insatiable'* *STANDS UP LIKE LOOK AT MY FUCKING CHEST I AM MANLY. YOU LIKE MY CONFIDENCE DON'T YOU, SPOCK.*
Decker: ...down their throat...
Kirk: ...just where they want us...
Spock: *ignores you and your silly innuendos* I believe the closed orifice leads to another chamber, undoubtedly part of the vessel's inner mechanism. I suspect it may be necess... *trails off, realizes he's just made an innuendo of his own. well fuck.*
*luckily, the awkward moment is saved by an INTRUDER. ALERT.*
Kirk: Spock. *does not need to say any more!*
Spock: *follows*
*did you take your 3D glasses off? well, put them back on, because you're gonna need it for NAKED GLOWY SPARKLY BALD GIRLS IN PURPLE SHINIES.*
Ilia: I talk. Like. A llama. I am from. V'ger.
Kirk: ....V'ger?
Ilia: V'ger.
Kirk: V'ger?
Ilia: V'ger.
Kirk: ...V'ger?
Ilia: V'ger wishes to join with The Creator.
Spock: How?
Ilia: The Creator and V'ger will become one.
Spock: But-
Kirk: Sex, Spock. She's talking about sex.
Spock: he knew that
Decker: ....
Chapel: ...duplicates all body functions, which basically means you could bang her if you wanted.
Ilia: ...De...cker?
Spock: Interesting. She knows your name.
Decker: *MOOOOVES CLOSER*
Kirk: ...okay, okay, let's keep it in the pants, Commander.
Spock: Her memories might be there, under all of it. You used to have a relationship. She might still remember you. Underneath. It all. This is not a metaphor for him and Kirk, by the way! OF COURSE NOT
Decker: but-
Kirk: For the last time, shut the FUCK up! hit on her or I will-
Ilia: *WALKS THROUGH THE WALL.* HEY. GAIZ. SUP.
Kirk: Captain's personal log. I still can't tell what Spock's thinking. I mean, I never used to be able to, only a little, but now it's like - some inner part of him has gone off somewhere, and I can't reach him, I can't touch him, anymore. Emotionally. But- but. But then he'll say something, or do something - and, just for a moment, I hope. I will always have hope.
Kirk: *COUGH* I mean. Captain's log.
Decker: The ship, let me show it to you!
Ilia: what?
*~EPIC EYE CONTACT AND DRAMATIC MUSIC!~ COULD IT BE? ROMANC- nope. never mind.*
ALL RIGHT ARE YOU READY FOR THIS? *cue mission impossible music!*
Spock: *is awesome*
*....and then the awesome is interrupted for a fucking stupid scene with Ilia and the worst headband in the world. mute the video, and keep playing mission impossible music!*
*all right, once you see Spock again, unmute!*
Spock: Computer, commence recording. Captain. I am now going to prove that I am completely insane in control of myself, and utterly unmoved by your emotions and innuendos.
Chekov: OMG captain Spock took a thruster suit!
Kirk: A what?
Chekov: A thruster... suit.
Kirk: Sorry all I heard was thruster. What?
Chekov: HE'S GOING INSIDE.
Kirk: WHAT WHERE?
Chekov: Into the... you know... into the alien.
Kirk: 8|
*3D glasses on!*
Spock: I have successfully penetrated the next chamber of the alien's interior. Take that, Captain!
*fifteen minutes of Spock penetrating. this is much less exciting than it sounds.*
Spock: .....so basically, because I can already hear Bones bitching at me, V'ger's a living machine, and I'm going to mindmeld with it. Because I am a fucking retard.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGH!
Kirk: *IS WAITING PATIENTLY, FOR HIS BB. SPOCK SPOCK SPOCK SPOCK SPOCK. OH MY GOD THERE HE IS. IS HE UNCONSCIOUS OH MY GOD* SPOCK! Spock! Spock... you fucking idiot, you fucking idiot. Sob.
Chapel: blah blah
Bones: blah blah he probably has brain damage, the big idiot blah-
Spock: .... *chuckles*.
Everyone: .........................
Spock: *chuckles~*.
Kirk: *RUSHES OVER* Spock.
Spock: Jim. *smiles* I should have known.
Kirk: Were you right? ...About V'ger, I mean.
Spock: A lifeform of its own. A conscious, living entity.
Kirk: It considers the Enterprise a living machine, I mean, not that she isn't, but... *worried. no idea what to say. relieved. babbling.*
Spock: I saw V'ger's planet... a planet populated by living machines. Unbelieveable technology... *looks at Kirk, really looks at him.* V'ger has knowledge that spans this universe, and yet.... with all its pure logic....
Kirk: *no idea where this is going, but Spock is here, he's really here, and he's alive, and his eyes are so warm.*
Spock: ...V'ger is barren. Cold. No... mystery. No ... beauty. *smiles softly, closes eyes* I should've... should've known.
Kirk: Known. *can't, can't hope, has to hope, oh god Spock don't fall asleep or die or - NOT NOW.* Known what?! Spock!!
Bones: *opens his mouth*
Kirk: BONES. 8|. *do not, do not stop me, for fuck's sake!!* *grabs Spock's shoulders* Spock. What. What should you have known? *tell me, tell me what you're thinking for the love of. for. for love.*
Spock: *looks over slowly, still smiling. squeezes kirk's arm - no, then, takes his hand. he needs to make this absolutely, crystal clear. he is done with repression and doubt. he is done.* This... simple feeling........ is beyond V'ger's comprehension.
Kirk: *oh, he understands. fuck. he understands, and he will NOT cry, damnit. but he grips Spock's hand in both of his own, unable to speak.*
Spock: ...No meaning. No hope. Jim. *smiles* No answers. It's asking questions... *questions I asked myself, questions I thought it would have the answers to, but-*
Kirk: What questions?
Spock: *...but it turns out I already did.* Is this... all that I am? Is there nothing more?
Kirk: ...*and he knows, he understands. He is the answer. He is Spock's answer. And everything else pales away.*
Uhura: ....Bridge to Captain-
Kirk: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
*five hours later, when you're done fangirling...*
Decker: No, see, I have to have sex with V'ger. That will solve everything.
Kirk: Okay, listen to me, sex does NOT solve everything!
Bones: *SNORTS*
Decker: Oh, come on, just because you and Spock made up-
Spock: *smirks* Jim, I believe he may be right. At any rate, if he wishes to...
Kirk: ...then who am I to deny it, right? FINE. *huffs* But we are SO doing it when this is over.
Spock: You have my word, Captain.
Bones: *makes gagging noises*
Decker and Ilia: *THEY CAME*
Sulu: So, where to?
Kirk: Well, the second we get back to Starfleet, they're going to read me the riot act and I'll be up to my ears in paperwork, which means no time for sex for at least a week, so... uh... THAT WAY. *points* *grabs Spock and drags him off to the captain's quarters*
Everyone else: *CHEERS*
THE END.