BASH WARS II First Round, East bracket
And now, on with the East bracket!
1. GOD
(pogophile )
VERSUS
16. HOUSE
(mzak117)
Yes, God is in the Bash Wars tournament. It seems to me there are three kinds of people who enter this sort of thing. You have the ones who just enter some guy who kicks ass like Brock Samson. You have the ones who enter entities so unbeatable that they virtually defy the entire concept, like Unicron. And then you have the ones who enter TV characters who have never so much as been in a fight, like...uh, House. Amazingly, House isn't the first character from House to enter a Bash Wars, or even the first House character to successfully win a match at Bash Wars. But then again, the grease-stain that was once Lisa Cuddy should tell you how that story ended.
I should level the playing field here somehwat, but considering that Dr. House thinks he can play God and thinks he's better than God, let's make this more interesting. I'm about a week into an extremely annoying cold. My left ear is stopped up, and somehow my sinuses are simultaneously clogged up and runny. So who can make me better? The Lord Almighty? Or the douchebag with the cane? The winner goes on to the sweet sixteen.
8. EGG FU
(thromulator)
VERSUS
9. MAJOR DISASTER
(liabrown )
Here we have the battle of the not altogether impressive DC supervillains. I'm doing thromulator a huge favor here and going with the version of Egg Fu introduced in 52, as opposed to the really retarded Silver Age Wonder Woman character. Major Disaster is of course the dork Joe Kelly shoved down everyone's throat in his run on JLA before sticking him in the team he shoved down everyone's throat, the Justice League Elite. His powers involve making stuff collapse and generally having terrible costumes and, judging from this picture, having a teeny little head. Egg Fu, meanwhile, has the opposite physical traits, inasmuch as he is a giant egg-shaped head sitting in one of those mechanical spider things like Mojo runs around on.
I know what you're thinking, but I looked it up--apparently just smashing Egg Fu's shell like a, well, egg doesn't kill him, it just slows him down. So I am guessing this will be one long, dirty fight. The winner advances to the second round; the loser gets to be in Countdown to 52 Aftermatch: Infinite Prelude to Final Identity Crisis Arena Special, a 74-part crossover I won't be reading.
4. BRANDAWG
(brandawg)
VERSUS
13. EVEL KNIEVEL
(gollumgollum)
Brandawg is back from his improbable run at Bash Wars I, where if memory serves he made it all the way to the Elite Eight before his untimely elimination. This time he's up against legendary daredevil Evel Knievel. Now, I don't gather Evel has much in the way of fighting ability, but his years of bone-crunching motorcycle stunts have proven that he can take an unconscionable amount of physical punishment and come back for more. I honestly could see him winning it all, although I must admit there probably wouldn't be much left of him by that point. But that's his problem, nor ours.
5. STINKOMAN
(frito_kal)
VERSUS
12. CHERRY DARLING
(thebrood138)
Ah yes, Stinkoman, the anime version of Homestar Runner's Strong Bad from 20X6. Says here he's obsessed with challenges and fighting, which makes him a natural for this contest. Normally anime and manga characters get absolutely humiliated in the first round of Bash Wars, but I like the cut of Stinkoman's jig and I think he could go far.
Cherry Darling, for those of you who don't know, is the chick whose leg is eaten by zombies and replaced with a giant gun in the movie Grindhouse, or Planet Terror, or Kill Bill Volume 5, or whatever the hell it was called. Naturally anybody who has fought an army of zombies in a movie has a natural advantage in this tournament, so she could go far. Could we have our first-ever Bash Wars Super Queen?
2. YODA
(cheddartrek)
VERSUS
15. WESLEY CRUSHER
(faetan)
This is interesting. I didn't even notice when I made the matches, but we've got faetan, who picked Wesley, against cheddartrek, who had to pick Yoda because Wesley was taken. So there's already a built-in grudge there. For that matter, cheddartrek only wanted to pick Wesley to see him get clobbered to death, which is now a distinct possibility. Plus it's Star Wars vs. Star Trek, and everybody likes to see those kinds of things.
Much as I expect Wesley to be obliterated, remember that he's got mastery over time and space and thought, not unlike a Jedi. Only trick is he's all young and whiny and inexperienced. Then again, Yoda's not very good at dealing with overpowered n00bs, is he? For all that this looks like a mismatch, it could prove to be a very interesting fight.
7. DICK CHENEY
(kateshort)
VERSUS
10. THAILOG
(fenellaevangela)
All right, it's like this. I'm a US citizen, and I'm pretty sure the United States has pretty serious laws about even jokingly threatening the safety of the president and successors to the presidency. And regardless of what I think of Vice-President Cheney, I think that makes some degree of sense. So with this I have to forego the standard Bash Wars mentality and simply state that if Dick Cheney loses here he will be...well, defeated. No harm will come to him. I don't know, maybe he'll have to sit in a bathroom stall next to Larry Craig. Use your imagination. The point is I'm not going to deal with visits from the Secret Service over a stupid fake fight.
Thailog is the evil clone of Goliath from that Gargoyles cartoon from a few years back. So I guess he has all the powers of that one big gargoyle, which I imagine involves lifting cars and flying and stuff. I don't know; Wikipedia seemed more interested in the fact that he has red eyes, which is normally a trait found in female gargoyles. So he's a she-male or something.
3. MACE WINDU
(nuclearwoman)
VERSUS
14. SOPHIA PETRILLO
(erindubitably)
No, seriously. Mace Windu vs. Sophia from Golden Girls.
I mean, really, what am I supposed to come up with here? I was going to go into how she probably has connections with the Mafia and that would give her some kind of edge...but it's a frigging Jedi here. As far as I know Mace Windu's only lost once in his whole life, and that was to Darth frigging Vader. I got nothing here, folks. Nada.
All I can say is that when you cast your votes and you're all yammering about how Samuel L. Jackson is one bad ass mothereffer and quoting Pulp Fiction and Snakes on a Plane...just remember that you're consigning a 300-year-old grandmother to her death. I hope you're proud of yourself.
6. UNDERDOG
(inufan625)
VERSUS
11. MASTER CHIEF
(nute)
And finally, we have Underdog (of the excellent cartoon and not the craptacular movie) and Master Chief from the Halo games. It's the classic battle between old childhood nostalgia and cool current video games. Whose side are you on? I'm really tired and would like to go to sleep.
OK, here's the poll. You've got all week to vote, so lemme alone.
Poll Bash Wars II, First Round, East Bracket
You have until next Saturday night to vote, so take your time but don't be late! Be here next week for the second round!