BASH WARS II First Round, West bracket
It's time, ladies and gentlemen, for the first round.
First up, let's check the results of our lightning-round play-in game. By a 9-4 margin, Gregory House advances to enter the tournament proper to face the overall #1 seed. But before we get to that, let's jump right into the matchups in the West bracket!
1. THE KING
(aardy )
VERSUS
16. TOM CRUISE
(t0mcruise)
Aardy ups his game this year by selecting one of the most terrifying figures in pop culture, the plastic-faced King of the Burger King restaurant chain. I could definitely see this guy go all the way, so it's no surprise he was the top seed in this bracket. Of course, he's not the overall #1 seed, so you have to wonder who's more intimidating than the King.
Squaring off against him is the one and only movie star Tom Cruise, who through the magic of LiveJournal I can honestly say is a friend of mine. Tom, who looks here like someone suggested he does not know the history of psychology, is the proud guru of the Cruise World Order, a faction I expect could make a major difference in this tournament. Even so, I had to rank him pretty low because, c'mon, it's Tom Cruise. He's what, four-foot-six? The King's reach alone gives him a substantial edge in this bout, but then again that's why we hold the fake fights.
8. ELLEN RIPLEY
(maid_line)
VERSUS
9. THE LUGGAGE
(seraangel )
I think this one should be an evenly-matched fight. The Luggage, from Terry Pratchett's Discworld series, is basically a walking chest that eats things. Historically, wankily invincible characters from fantasy novels tend to eat it hard here at Bash Wars, but I have to admit the Luggage looks pretty strong on paper. Of course, Ellen Ripley spent three or four Alien movies demonstrating her special talent for killerizing unstoppable monsters without being eaten.
4. KOOL-AID MAN
(mike_smith)
VERSUS
13. BUCK GODOT
(oflittlefaith)
One of the surprisingly few returning competitors from the 2006 Bash Wars, Kool-Aid Man is back from his razor-thin loss to Gizmo Duck and his subsequent victory at this summer's Bash Wars Revenge. I don't think there's much to say about this guy--if crashing through walls won't crack his solid glass skin then I don't know what will. His opponent is cult sci-fi comic character Buck Godot, who ensures that once again I have to endure Phil Foglio's artwork for the foreseeable future of the tournament.
5. BAVMORDA
(evil_underlord)
VERSUS
12. CROCODILE DUNDEE
(sweet_panda)
You may not remember Bavmorda, and I certainly didn't. But it turns out she was the main villain in that movie Willow. You know, the one with the midgets and Val Kilmer or something? Remember that scene where all the good guys are graphically transformed into pigs? I'm pretty sure she did that. On the strength of that one stunt, I have slotted her into a #5 seed.
But I think she'll find overcoming Crocodile Dundee to be no easy feat. Mick Dundee has proven his extensive survivalist skills in the Australian outback, the streets of Manhattan, and Los Angeles. Plus he's got that thing he does where he wiggles his hand and animals fall asleep. I don't know if he's ever been transformed into a pig, but I bet he has a trick or two to get out of it.
2. SEPHIROTH
(lovehonorlife)
VERSUS
15. MURDERFACE
(outlaww98)