Walla Walla (Part 1 of 2)
[door opens]
JOHN: Sherlock, the next time you make a shopping list this long I'm making you…Who the…
SHERLOCK: Ah-John, put one of the packs of lightbulbs in the freezer.
JOHN: Yes, yes in a minute…Sherlock, who is that?
SHERLOCK: This is Martin Crieff-an airline pilot, judging by his left thumb. First offi-
MARTIN: Captain-Don't you see the stripes?
SHERLOCK: First Officer, since this is clearly a costume from a fancy dress shop. A captain would have worn his real uniform.
MARTIN: I AM the captain-this is a captain’s hat!
JOHN: Are you related? You both look-
SHERLOCK: He came here with a ridiculous question, and he's just leaving now.
JOHN: Actually, Sherlock, that might not be a good idea. He really looks like you…what if the men think he’s-
SHERLOCK: The men?
JOHN: Sorry, I forgot…There are at least three men loitering near our door. Probably waiting for you.
SHERLOCK: In that case, Martin!
MARTIN: Y-yes?
SHERLOCK: Let me see that cat.
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Cabin Pressure, by John Finnemore, starring Stephanie Cole as Carolyn, Roger Allam as Douglas, Benedict Cumberbatch as Martin, and John Finnemore as Arthur.
This week, Walla Walla!
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[*bing bong*]
DOUGLAS [over the PA system]: Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. First Officer Douglas Richardson here with a weather report. Rather sadly, though unsurprisingly, the weather here in London is much the same as it was in Walla-Walla-fog, mist, and a high chance of showers. No signs that it will be clearing up for several hours at least.
[*bing bong*]
DOUGLAS [singing]: RIIIIIIIIIIIDI, PAGLIAAAAAAAAAAAACIOOOOOOOOOO! SUL TUO AMOOOOORE INFRAAAAAAANTOOOOOO!
[*bing bong*]
DOUGLAS: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I’m afraid I’m not chive talking when I tell you that there’s a leek in the gas tank and we’ll have to make a brief stop on root to Vidalia, Washington. We have shallotted to us-
[flight deck door opens]
Hullo, Martin. Any luck with the Augean stables?
MARTIN [breathing heavily]: You know, it’d go a lot faster if you were helping. [sneeze]
DOUGLAS: Nonsense, Martin. If I were helping you, who would be guarding the last of our precious cargo? Handkerchief?
MARTIN [congested]: How precious could a few more bags of these blasted onions be?
DOUGLAS: They’re sweet Vidalia onions, Martin, and Mr. Hellman did hire us to get all 500 pounds to London.
MARTIN: And who’s going to steal them from the cabin, anyway? You could at least take a look at the hold door while you’re refusing to help us, so we don’t have to take another trip with the cargo clogging the aisles.
DOUGLAS: And your sinuses?
MARTIN: I already told you, I’m fine! I’m not-
DOUGLAS: Oh! Did someone say you were a bad pilot?
MARTIN: No, I have allergies.
DOUGLAS: To sweet onions?
MARTIN: No, I don’t know what’s causing them, but that’s definitely why I’m crying. Anyway, I came in here to tell you that Arthur and I got them all off the plane, so you can stop pretending to fill in your logbook. Hand me my bag, won’t-hang on, what's that?
[meow]
MARTIN: Agh!
DOUGLAS: Do you make a habit of carrying large cats in your carry-on? My smuggled orchids were positively tame in comparison.
MARTIN: No! [sneeze] Douglas, I didn't put it in there.
DOUGLAS: Then, Martin, I'm afraid you must have the wrong bag.
MARTIN: Of course I have the wrong bag! And after I put two whole packages of Benadryl in it! That’s five pounds!
DOUGLAS: Come to think of it, your rucksack did rather resemble our passenger’s, didn’t it?
MARTIN: This must be his!
DOUGLAS: Yes, since your name isn’t Douglas Livingstone…though that might be an improvement.
MARTIN: You just say that because it's your name!
DOUGLAS: No, I just think it sounds like a good name for a pilot. "Captain Livingstone, I presume?"
MARTIN: [strangled noise]
DOUGLAS: Yes…
MARTIN: That’s not important. He has my bag!
DOUGLAS: And more importantly, you have an allergy to cats.
MARTIN: Yes, thank you for clearing that up, now-
DOUGLAS: Unlike your nose?
MARTIN: Douglas!
DOUGLAS: So, I suggest you call the number on the bag and remedy the situation.
MARTIN: Ah, yes, of course. One moment.
[phone rings]
H-hello, this is Capt…Mar…Captain Cr…Captain Martin Crieff, yes.
[indistinct mumbling]
I-I was flying the aeroplane.
[indistinct mumbling]
The-we just came from Washington…?
[indistinct mumbling]
S…Sorry, is this Mr. Livingstone?
[indistinct mumbling]
Oh! Oh…I'm…I’m so sorry. Please believe me that I had no…I mean we, that is, I didn't know
[indistinct mumbling]
I mean yes…yes. wrong number. Hehehe! I would never call you for myself, you know I…
[phone hangs up]
I'm…I think she hung up on me!
DOUGLAS: Imagine my surprise! Well, in that case I'll try directory inquiries…I don’t know if I could bear to watch you do that again. Out of curiosity, whose number did you dial?
MARTIN: Erm…Stacey from Topshop.
DOUGLAS: Ah, that would explain it. Oh, yes. Hello. Can you give me the number for…23 Privet Drive, Hackney?…No? Thank you.
[tramping feet]
ARTHUR: CHAPS! I JUST CALLED THE NUMBER ON THE FORM, AND IT WAS SCOTLAND YARD! CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY WANTED ALL THOSE ONIONS? DO YOU THINK IT'S FOR A CASE?
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, the Metropolitan Police frequently buy large quantities of produce from overseas. They like to keep tabs on the quality of imported food.
ARTHUR: Really? That's brilliant! I can't wait to meet a real detective when they come to pick them up.
MARTIN: I don't think you will, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Do we have to take them there?
MARTIN: No, I don't think that Scotland Yard ordered the onions.
ARTHUR: But why did they answer then?
DOUGLAS: Arthur, why on earth would the police want onions?
ARTHUR: You just said so that they could keep tabs…
DOUGLAS: [dramatic sigh] No, Arthur, I think that was a false phone number. I don't think anyone is going to pick up those onions.
ARTHUR: Oh! [pause] Skip, I didn't know you liked cats!
MARTIN: No, I don’t like cats. In fact, I'm very allergic to cats.
ARTHUR: Then why do you have a cat?
MARTIN: I don’t have a cat!
ARTHUR: What’s that, then?
MARTIN: THIS IS NOT MY CAT!
ARTHUR: Douglas? Why is there a cat? Why are his ears so long? Did you bring him? Is he the airline pet?
MARTIN: No, I'm aller-
DOUGLAS: That's a marvellous idea, Arthur, but I'm afraid we'll have to find something less hairy.
ARTHUR: A SNAKE! A SNAKE WOULD BE BRILLIANT!
MARTIN: [more strangled noises]
DOUGLAS: Well, I’ve looked him up on my phone -- this cat is a caracal. Quite rare. So, if no one has a better idea, I’ll just sell him to an exotic pet fancier. Which might begin to cover the cost of this trip, as I'm afraid Carolyn might not be getting paid after all. I hope you like onions, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Can't we keep him?
MARTIN: ALLERGIES!
ARTHUR: We should find out who he belongs to.
DOUGLAS: Whoever he belongs to has just cheated your mother out of a lot of money.
MARTIN: I have to call Carolyn.
DOUGLAS: I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
MARTIN: No, I should get it over with.
[phone rings]
Hello, Carolyn.
CAROLYN: What is it now?
MARTIN: Well…a slight problem…
CAROLYN: Martin, never once has a problem of yours been ‘slight.’ What did you do?
MARTIN: I haven't done anything! [sneeze]
DOUGLAS: Bless me! Is that a cat, captain?
MARTIN [hissing]: DOUGLAS!
CAROLYN: I assume, having just arrived from out of the country, that you are about to inform me that Douglas is pulling my leg and there are no animals on board. [pause] Except maybe Arthur at mealtimes.
DOUGLAS: Douglas has never pulled your leg in his-
CAROLYN: I’m in no mood, Douglas. Martin!
MARTIN: S-sorry, Carolyn, but our passenger left a cat on board and his numbers don't check out and he may have just cheated us out of…well…I don't know if he's going to pay.
CAROLYN: And if he doesn’t pay, I’m sure you’ll be delighted to bear the cost yourself?
MARTIN: Well…I don't…
DOUGLAS: I think that was a rhetorical question, Martin. The more important one, I think, is what do we do with this cat. From America. That was not declared.
CAROLYN: You’re the ones who decided to take the cat on board, not me. I fail to see how this is my problem.
DOUGLAS: But you can hardly fail to see, Carolyn, that this is your airline.
CAROLYN: An airline that you work for! Tell me, Douglas, does Customs have a policy concerning dead cats?
DOUGLAS: I am not sure that customs looks smilingly on companies that transport fauna, living or dead, if it is undeclared.
CAROLYN: Well, we can’t afford another customs violation. If they catch so much as a whiff of this-
[Martin sneezes]
-this company will be short two pilots and a steward.
MARTIN: Carolyn!
CAROLYN: I’m serious, Martin. If that cat is still around tomorrow, you are all fired.
ARTHUR: Mum, they-
CAROLYN: Even you, Arthur.
ARTHUR: But Mum, you don’t even pay-
CAROLYN: I put a roof over your head and I don’t have to if I don’t want to. That is FINAL!
[phone goes dead]
DOUGLAS: So, about that chap I know who sells exotic pets…
MARTIN: No, we'd get into even more trouble!
DOUGLAS: Martin, really-
MARTIN: No-I forbid it, as your captain!
DOUGLAS: Well, then, Captain, do you have any better ideas?
MARTIN: I…maybe we could…no that wouldn't…but then of course…
DOUGLAS: I rather thought so.
ARTHUR: [stifled excitement]
DOUGLAS: I’m not even asking you, Arthur.
ARTHUR: But Douglas! I have a brilliant idea!
DOUGLAS: If by brilliant you mean-
ARTHUR [speaking over Douglas]: Martin, there's this BRILLIANT chap; he solves mysteries and chases bad guys and all sorts of things…Oh! you should read his blog. This chap-He could help you!
DOUGLAS: Arthur, what are you talking about?
ARTHUR: The Blog! He’s a doctor from the army…and he has a friend…what was his name…
DOUGLAS: Listen, Martin. Give it to me, and I’ll get rid of it for you and we’ll make something of it along the way.
ARTHUR: I KNOW! It was JOHN WATSON! And his friend…he has a weird name…You have to go and ask and then you might even get on his blog! Douglas, let me have your phone, and I’ll show you!
[several moments of clicking]
Douglas, how do you get to the "o"?
DOUGLAS: Let me see that. Are you even on the internet, Arthur?
ARTHUR: No, hang on, I've got it-wait, who's Sophia, and who's “Chou Chou”? Did you get someone else's text?
DOUGLAS: Give that to me! I'll find it! Okay, tell me the name, again. But less eardrum-perforatingly loud this time, please.
ARTHUR: It's just called John Watson's blog…
DOUGLAS [clicking] : This?
ARTHUR: YES!! BRILLIANT!
DOUGLAS: How is this man going to help us?
ARTHUR: Well, his friend. I think his page was called science and seduction or something. I can't remember. But John's blog is BRILLIANT!
DOUGLAS: Yes we've established that the blog is brilliant…but not helpful. Where-
ARTHUR: Just look at…oh! That's the chap. Sherlock Holmes.
[pause with sounds of clicking]
DOUGLAS: Actually, Martin, this does look promising. I think you should take the cat to him.
MARTIN: Why do I have to?
ARTHUR: I'LL DO IT!
DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, you won't.
ARTHUR: Why not?
DOUGLAS: Because we have to convince Holmes to take a ridiculous case about a cat and I'm not sure you'll be eloquent enough if you even stop talking to Watson at all.
MARTIN: But…
DOUGLAS: And while, admittedly, you are no orator, Martin, you were the captain when the incident happened. I already gave you my solution, and you rejected it.
MARTIN: Yes. I am the captain and I’m sure Mr. Sherlock Holmes will recognize a real airline captain when he sees one.
DOUGLAS: Undoubtedly…
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JOHN: So…you’re doing what?
SHERLOCK: We’re switching places so that I can go back to Walla Walla and examine the scene of the crime myself.
JOHN: Is that a good-
SHERLOCK: Even you noticed the resemblance, John. It will work perfectly. He’ll do his best to impersonate me, and-
JOHN: Are you really sure you can handle that sort of blow to your image?
SHERLOCK: He may be an idiot-
MARTIN: What? I-
SHERLOCK: -but I’m sure you will be able to manage him.
MARTIN: I’m an airline-
SHERLOCK: Do shut up, Martin. I would never say that I was an airline pilot, so start to practice not mentioning it now.
JOHN: But he might mention being the world’s only consulting detective once or twice. You could start practicing that…
SHERLOCK: I will be able to identify the source of the feline, as well as the identity of the tail you seem to have picked up, Martin. This case should be closed within 24 hours.
JOHN: Great. Anything else?
SHERLOCK: Oh, and be careful with him.
MARTIN: I can take care of my-
SHERLOCK: The cat, you idiot. Now start at least pretending to try to act like me, and we’ll switch off.
MARTIN: Won’t you have any trouble acting like an air-
SHERLOCK: No.
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MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I’m…I’m not texting too much, am I?
JOHN: No, it’s-it’s not that. He texts all the time, but he doesn’t peer down at his phone like that.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I’m so sorry…it’s the cat. My eyes…she’s making them all watery.
JOHN: Here, Sherlock must have some Benadryl around here somewhere…[rattling of medicine bottles] Ah…well, he opened it, but it looks safe. Worth taking.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Th-thanks.
[rattling of bottle]
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Do you have…
JOHN: You can get your own…I mean, the safe glasses are in that cupboard right over the microwave but don’t touch anything on that-You know what, I’ll get you some water.
[running tap]
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Thank you
[squish]
JOHN: UGH! What the-is this…Sherlock! What did you feed this cat?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I- I didn’t. I mean. Well he looked hungry and I saw…in the refrigerator and-
JOHN: From THAT refrigerator? Meat?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, it looked-
JOHN: Martin, there is-
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: You should say Sher-
JOHN: I KNOW! But NEVER eat anything from that refrigerator unless you’ve put it there yourself or you’ve asked me first.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes. Got it.
JOHN: [under his breath] I guess I have to clean-
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: No, John! I’ll get it. I can-[sounds of stumbling and knocking into beakers and opening drawers]
JOHN: I-Fine. Thank you. But just-well, in the future, I mean-Sherlock probably wouldn’t…
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Wouldn’t what?
JOHN: Never mind.
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ARTHUR: Wow! This is brilliant!
DOUGLAS [tiredly]: Yes.
ARTHUR: We have MARTIN with us!
DOUGLAS: Remember what I told you about…I hate to call it “winking”…
ARTHUR: Of course, but you know…He might introduce us to his friend.
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur-you do know that it’s better that we not talk about this? Or maybe not to talk at all?
ARTHUR: Of course. Silence is my middle name.
DOUGLAS: And I suppose “genius” is your last?
ARTHUR: Arthur Silence Shappey. Genius. Yep, that’s me.
DOUGLAS: [Dramatic sigh]
ARTHUR: DOUGLAS!!!!!!! LOOK AT THIS!!!!! A FORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you think that MARTIN will want to go? There could be a mystery there!
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, that’s a fort museum. There isn’t actually a fort there.
ARTHUR: A museum! I love museums! I bet MARTIN does too.
DOUGLAS: Well, Arthur, no one’s stopping you from going to a museum…
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN [panting]: I am. Arthur, we’re doing what Sherlock said and not causing any unnecessary trouble.
DOUGLAS: This from the fellow who just got detained by Customs for four full hours?
ARTHUR: Do you think they figured out you were MARTIN?
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I am Martin.
ARTHUR: Yeah, but…you know…
DOUGLAS: Anyway, I’m going to a Starbucks or something.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I thought you hated Starbucks?
DOUGLAS: Yes, but at least I know what it is. I don’t trust anything else out here in the wilderness.
ARTHUR: Oh look, there’s one near the fort!
DOUGLAS [quietly]: Did you teach him how to use a GPS, Martin?
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No. And Arthur, we’re not going to the fort!
ARTHUR: Ooh!
DOUGLAS: You know, you could go there by yourself.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No, he can’t! I actually want to go home, Douglas!
DOUGLAS: You can’t until everything’s been resolved. You said so yourself.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: When did I-oh! Right. I did.
DOUGLAS: Well, if you want to go with him, we’ll hire a car. You can drop me off at Starbucks.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: [sigh] Fine. Come on, partner.
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[sound of door opening as well as sound of someone bouncing up and down]
JOHN: All right, the cat’s upstairs, so you shouldn’t have to worry about…what the…
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: The fuselage of the aeroplane is a long, thin body, often cylindrical, and usually with tapered or rounded ends to make its shape aerodynamically smooth.
JOHN: Why are you…?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: A vertical stabiliser is a vertical surface mounted at the rear of the plane and typically protruding above it. The vertical stabiliser stabilises the plane's yaw and mounts the rudder which controls its rotation along that axis.
JOHN: Stop jumping!.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I don’t…I mean…I-I think I must be having an allergic reaction to the er-
JOHN: [sigh] Side effect of the Benadryl. Just get off the sofa, okay?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: A horizontal stabiliser or elevator, or tailplane, is mounted at the tail of the plane, near the vertical stabiliser. The horizontal stabiliser is used to stabilise the plane's pitch and mounts the elevators which provide pitch control. A fixed portion of the elevators may be omitted in which case it is termed an all flying tail.
JOHN: Martin!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Some planes use a front-mounted canard instead of a rear-mounted-S-sorry, I just can’t seem to focus long enough to…
JOHN: No, it’s…it’s fine. Sort of like Sherlock actually…though, maybe if you talked a bit more about death.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Never stand behind a jet engine?
JOHN: No, not really…Mortality statistics, maybe…
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: So, if I’m acting like Sherlock, maybe I should take more Benadryl later?
JOHN: That might be a good…
[sound of body hitting the floor]
JOHN: Yeah, never mind…you just…sleep it off…
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ARTHUR: That was BRILLIANT! Let’s go through again!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur…look, we’re in the gift shop, don’t you want to-
[sound of running feet]
ARTHUR [from farther away]: WOW!!!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I was going to say “find a cup of tea,” but-
ARTHUR: A REAL coonskin! I CAN BE BUNGALOW BOB!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur, it’s Bungalow-
ARTHUR: I’m getting one!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Fine, Arthur, just let me answer this text…
ARTHUR: Hey, Skip! Do you want some ice cream? Like what you get in the cinema, but WE AREN’T IN A CINEMA!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Er…well…what kinds are there?
ARTHUR: AT LEAST FIFTY!!!!!!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Just…I don’t…
ARTHUR: PEANUT BUTTER PANIC!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Eugh! Arthur, just-Just get me vanilla!
ARTHUR: Righto Yeehaw Skip!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Now if I can just find the “send” button…
ARTHUR: Hey, Skip-remember the time we were off without Douglas and you let the air out of the tires under the bridge?
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: What? No, I-stupid phone…
ARTHUR: Oh, right, MARTIN!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I have explained to you that that isn’t winking, right?
ARTHUR: Wow! You’re good, pardner! Have y’all self ya’ll some y’all ice cream!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur, this tastes horrible! I said I wanted vanilla.
ARTHUR: I know but I saw this kind, and it sounded much…
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Arthur, you can’t mean…
ARTHUR: I mean, Imagine! If there really were blue bunnies! It’d be BRILLIANT! And look, it comes with its own little spoon!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: [groan] Well, I’m going to-
ARTHUR: LOOK, Martin! PEMMICAN!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Seriously, Arthur. I’m going to find the loo!
[fading sounds of ARTHUR GLEE!]
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JOHN: Yes…yes…okay we'll be right in.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: What was that? Who…where are we going?
JOHN: That was Lestrade. We're going to New Scotland Yard because he has some information. Now, Martin, Lestrade knows about this, but no one else does, so you're going to have to be…well…just be mysterious and rude and…Sherlocky
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, yes, of course. How do I…
JOHN: For starters, don't be as quick to say "yes." And insult them. A lot.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I’m sure I can-
JOHN: I'm sorry Martin, but you’re too nice. You're going to have to try to be a bit more of a git. Act like you think you're the most important person in the room!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: But I'm used to that! I'm the captain.
JOHN: Yes, well you don't really act like it.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: But-
JOHN: Martin. This is serious! [pause] Also…when you walk by mirrors, be sure to peek at them.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I don't do tha-
JOHN: No, Sherlock does. I've seen him.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: O-okay.
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BARISTA AT STARBUCKS: A pilot? Then you must be the captain!
DOUGLAS: Yes, that would seem to be the logical conclusion, mademois-
[phone rings]
DOUGLAS: One moment…Hello, Martin. You have impeccable timing.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Douglas, I’ve lost Mar-I mean Arthur!!!!
DOUGLAS: How do you lose a grown-
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: ARTHUR!!!!
DOUGLAS: Have you tried calling very loudly?
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Yes.
DOUGLAS: Look, I’m sure he’s just playing Cowboys and Indians or some other equally puerile American-
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: I’ve been through the museum twice over, the gift shop three times, the men’s toilet. I was going to try the lad-
DOUGLAS: Yes, yes, I see your point. Clearly I’m going to have to come over and sort it out.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No, that won’t be necessary-I have everything under control.
DOUGLAS: Which is, presumably, why you called. [whispering] Martin would almost certainly have been stupid or unlucky enough to lose Arthur. So, bravo for that. But if you think you can get away with this just because you're in character! You do know I could make your life quite miserable if I called any of your relations…Sherlock?
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Do…er, do you want me to find him, then?
DOUGLAS: Obviously. Call me when you’re done.
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[sounds of papers falling]
JOHN: Sherlock!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I’m so sorry! I’m so, so…Here, let me help…
[sounds of other stuff falling]
JOHN: No it’s fine. It’s fine, just help me with these…Oh! Look at this picture. Sherlock, isn’t that the cat…
ARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Y-ye-no, it's a different cat. Ours is back at the flat
JOHN: I meant the breed.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, of course, the Calarac…
JOHN: [whispered] CARACAL!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, the very caracal we have at the flat. What are two of them doing-
JOHN: [whispered] Just…stop talking, Sherlock wouldn’t…
LESTRADE: [loudly to cover up] Picture was taken two days ago; woman in Tower Hamlets was fined for unsanitary living conditions due to too many cats.
JOHN: Really…You know, this is an unusual breed. Can I just…
LESTRADE: Take as many pictures as you like. At least I don’t have to explain missing evidence…
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: So…what did you bring us in for? [pause] Whatever it is I’m sure it’s pathetic…
LESTRADE: Sherlock, we’re not…
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Sorry! I mean…I didn’t mean…
JOHN: [whispering] No, you were doing well.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I mean you’re all stupid! And I’m not.
JOHN: [whispering] Could you be a little…oh, this will never fool anyone!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: What are you on about, you imbecile! I should never have…
[text alert]
JOHN: [loudly] Sherlock! What about the cat? You seemed interested in that?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Hmm?
JOHN: Could you look up from your phone for one minute and…
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Yes, so, as you brainless bunch might have noticed, this cat is clearly not the normal cat-lady fare. So…we should go to…Where is this lady, Lestrade?
LESTRADE: Winterfield Apartments, in Tower Hamlets. I’ll text you the address.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: So we should go there, and interview her. I won’t be needing you Lestrade. Or any of your brainless…policemen…people? Policepeople…Anyway, John and I…
JOHN: Let’s just go, then?
[door shutting]
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: How did I do?
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PART TWO