Sherlock Fic: If a Tree Falls...
Written for thegameison_sh. A bit cracky and possibly OOC, but fun, I hope. :-)
If a Tree Falls…
This wouldn’t happen if you ate at normal times.
***
Would it hurt you to eat something in the middle of the day like everyone else?
***
Of course I’m grumpy, Sherlock. I haven’t eaten breakfast. Most humans need to eat in the morning!
***
Sherlock, I’m a doctor! You need to eat three meals a day.
***
When he had finished his experiment with the amino acids, Sherlock opened the refrigerator door, and considered his options.
Or lack thereof.
The leftover takeaway would have to do.
He started some fried rice in the microwave.
When he had retrieved the plate and closed the microwave door, he saw it - 12:00.
His watch agreed.
He smirked and took out his mobile.
Eating lunch at precisely 12:00. Happy now?
SH
At work. Dont interrupt with nonsense.
JW
Nonsense? You’ve been pestering me for weeks to eat at regular mealtimes.
SH
I can tell when youre lying.
JW
I am not lying!
SH
John?
SH
John, answer your phone.
SH
***
“Why did you turn off your phone?”
“Yes, I did have an exhausting day. Thanks for asking. And a cup of tea would be lovely.”
“Sarcasm is the lowest form...”
“Because my phone kept buzzing about your ridiculous story!”
“It’s not a story.”
“Sherlock, I’m too tired to argue, but we both know you didn’t eat lunch at lunch time.”
“I did!”
John had already walked into the kitchen, and started making tea. Sherlock watched. He made sure that John had turned back towards him before he put on his most affronted expression, and curled up on the couch.
John walked in, and turned on the evening news.
After twenty-five minutes of projecting pique at his oblivious companion, Sherlock reminded himself that twenty-five minutes is a very short period of time.
After an hour, Sherlock reminded himself that he’d once been at a stake-out all night.
After two hours, Sherlock reminded himself that John was certain to notice that Sherlock was mortally offended within the next thirty minutes.
After three hours, Sherlock reminded himself that he was a patient man.
After four hours, Sherlock decided that he needed a better plan.
He stood up, muted the telly, and activated his warmest voice.
“John, we’ve known each other for three years now. Isn’t it…”
“Which is precisely why I don’t trust a word you say, Sherlock.”
“But…”
“And don’t try Mr. Charmingly-Innocent. I’ve seen that too many times for it to work.”
He would have to call Mycroft.
***
“Mycroft, send a copy of your surveillance footage from 11:45 to 12:15 yesterday to my personal email address.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Your surveillance of my flat. Have your PA retrieve the footage from 11:45 to…”
“Yes, I understand your request, but you seem to be laboring under the delusion that I have surveillance footage of your flat, which I most certainly do not.”
“Mycroft, I know that you watch this flat. You have never been able to keep your long nose out of my affairs.”
“A video feed from your flat might potentially give me far more information about your affairs than even the most devoted of brothers could stomach. I do not watch your flat.”
“Yes you do! I haven’t found the camera yet, but I know…”
“You haven’t found the camera because there is none. I have many far better things to do than to watch you shout at your landlady, pout at your flatmate, and generally behave like the infantile...”
“Ha! Then you do have surveillance…”
“Sherlock, even if I were not a more exceptionally intelligent individual than you, I would be able to deduce those behaviors. You are being absurd and…”
“Mycroft, I need that footage! You...”
“Sherlock! If you cannot curb your wild imagination, you are going to find it increasingly difficult to distinguish accurate deductions from paranoia. And as that would put an end to the only thing even resembling a career that you have ever had, or can ever hope to have, I advise you to…”
Sherlock threw his mobile across the room, and scowled at the opposite wall.
He needed another plan for convincing John… but there was a suspicious gleam in the far corner of the room… and he could see Mycroft with his mind’s eye. Mycroft was laughing either because he was watching Sherlock search for the hidden camera or because he knew what Sherlock was doing without the help of surveillance...
Sometimes being bored was truly exhausting.