Sherlock Fic: What Real People Have
This was written for mr_x_indeed during the most recent holmestice fic exchange.
What Real People Have
1989
“Sorry, Nick. Mum says I can’t have friends over every single day. And you visited yesterday and Tuesday. You could come on Friday, though.”
“Aww… You said your Dad bought you Thunder Force II! I want to try it.”
“He did. But something’s wrong with the console. Mum said I could try to fix it myself, as long as I understood that it might be broken permanently if I did it wrong.”
“But… she’d get you another one if it’s broken, right?”
“Maybe. I’m not bothered, really. We always take turns playing it the whole time, and it’s a little boring. We could do this together! I bought diagrams, and Mycroft lent me… well, I have Mycroft’s tools, and he’s gone for three weeks. I have four books about circuitry and one book about gaming systems. I could lend you one today, and then you’d be able to read it before tomorrow! It would be like revising, but more fun! I should invite Harry and George as well-then they won’t need as much help revising next year! This is brilliant!”
“But, you will get another one if you can’t fix this?”
“Well… yes?… Yes, I suppose so. You’ll come on Friday, then?”
“No. Sorry, mate. Call me when the console’s fixed. But this week… erm… this week I’m really busy.”
1995
“Really, Victor?”
“Really what?”
“You only met Julia at that party yesterday.”
“Don’t start that with me, too, Sherlock.”
“Her dad would be furious if he found out you were in his Ferrari F50.”
“We didn’t drive it.”
“He’d still be furious. But Julia won’t let him find out. At least that’s over. I’ve shown my face at one party, and now we shouldn’t have to go to any more. We can relax until Christmas when Mycroft comes.”
“What are we going to do?”
“The same things we always do.”
“Studying?”
“No. I’m going to start running an experiment. I have most of the materials in my lab.”
“You have a lab?”
“It’s a guest bedroom Mum lets me use. Anyway, you’ll be interested in this. It’s…”
“Sherlock! I don’t want to stay here and play with your chemistry set! I thought we’d be going out!”
“Why would we want to gawk while my shallow acquaintances orgy?”
“Why? Sherlock, your friends are cool! I’m sorry, but I need a break over the holidays. And so do you, when it comes to it. You’re only young once. We should be taking advantage of this, you and me!”
“And I.”
“What did you say?”
“I just said it’s… Never mind. There’s nothing tonight, but I think something is happening tomorrow. I’ll call Brian.”
1998
“Diana! Come and look at this!”
“What am I looking for, Sherlock?”
“Hang on. Let me move away from the microscope first. We can’t both look at once! And don’t…”
“Oh! I’m so clumsy. Sorry. Sherlock, you couldn’t help me with that focus could you?”
“What? You don’t need me to do that. You’ve been working in this lab longer than I have.”
“True. But I’d quite like your help, Sherlock.”
“I’ll do it… But you’re going to have to stop crowding me.”
“Sorry.”
“There. Do you see what the acid did to that bacterium? This is incredible! Not only does it fit into Dr. Garvie’s theory, it…”
“Sherlock! Just stop talking.”
“What?”
“Sherlock, it’s one hour after we’re meant to go home.”
“Yes, but you did volunteer to stay.”
“I did. But not for your boring experiment. I stayed because I want to talk.”
“Talk? About what?”
“About us.”
“Us?”
“Adrienne is out of town, so I have the flat to myself tonight. We could get takeaway. I have an expensive bottle of Merlot that I’ve been saving. Candles, a romantic movie, and then maybe…
“Diana, you can’t… I’m not…”
“Come with me, Sherlock. It’s perfect.”
“No! No I can’t. I’m busy.”
“Busy? With what?”
“I… I have a date.”
“Who…?”
“With… Alexandra... Lexie! I’m going out with Lexie. Bye!”
2001
“So, what do you think-Silver Blaze, Tahoe, or Halley’s Comet? It’s long odds on Halley’s Comet, but I think he’s got some surprises in him.”
“Hmm.”
“Are you betting?”
“No.”
“Not one for the races, then?”
“No.”
“What do you…?”
“You can stop now.”
“Stop what? What’s wrong with you, mate? Can’t a chap make friendly conversation?”
“This isn’t friendly conversation.”
“What is it, then?”
“You are Derek Widener. You’ve been selling drugs for the past six years. You used to work for Bill Roark’s organization, but you’ve struck out on your own recently. You have no criminal record to date, but you are slightly nervous because of your minor traffic violation last Thursday-an absurd fear, since the police have far better things to do than to research the history of every person who speeds on the A1, and most couldn’t find their own noses if they weren’t attached to their faces. What you should be worried about is the fact that your current supply is contaminated. But since I am not a complete idiot, you are wasting your time trying to sell to me. I will be staying with my usual supplier. Any questions?”
“No.”
“And I hope, for your sake, that you did not put a large sum on Halley’s Comet, as you just lost your bet.”
2006
“Sherlock, if you’ve got something, just tell me now!
“No, not yet.”
“Sherlock!”
“I’ve already pointed you in the right direction. But until I’ve completed my investigation, I will not be telling you anything else.”
“You can’t just come in here and expect me to give you access to Met resources if you won’t give anything back.”
“The last time I tried to bring you a case, you took it, and then blocked me out-even though you needed me!-for the sake of your vanity. You lost my man and by then it was too late for me to catch him.”
“You’re talking to me about vanity?”
“It is not vain to be confident about the truth.”
“Yeah… Well… Here’s the deal, kid: I’ll ask you for help when I need it, if you ask me for help when you need it. Okay?”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Lestrade. I don’t need your help. Your resources are convenient, but I can do without them.”
“That’s easy enough for you to say now, but what about the…”
“And don’t lie to yourself, either-you will always need me. Goodbye!”
“I don’t understand, Inspector! Why do you let him talk to you like that? He doesn’t have any right. And I think he’s on something. Didn’t you see…”
“It’s fine, Donovan. Let it be.”
2010
“How did this start, then, this job you invented-being a consulting detective?”
“Up until five years ago I was working as a private detective, but it was mind-numbingly dull. People are always idiots, John, but never more so than when they are attempting to carry out clandestine affairs.”
“Lestrade said he’d known you for five years.”
“Yes. I gave him the case that got him his promotion.”
“That’s incredible! What happened?”
“The police were looking into a drunk driving fatality that I recognized was actually a murder. It was perfectly obvious to me, just from the news reports, that the man was involved in a counterfeiting operation. I looked into it further and gave Lestrade enough information to arrest the murderer, as well as the counterfeiters.”
“Bloody fantastic!”
“A few months after that I told him that a serial carjacker was a white female in her early thirties. Lestrade refused to listen, and described the suspect in a press conference as a black male in his early twenties. When I was proved correct, Sally Donovan was furious.”
“I could tell. Have you kept records of your cases?”
“Yes.”
“Could I see them?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And… well… I’m not very busy right now. You wouldn’t mind if I tagged along sometimes… when you’re on a case?”
“That would be brilliant!”
What Real People Have
1989
“Sorry, Nick. Mum says I can’t have friends over every single day. And you visited yesterday and Tuesday. You could come on Friday, though.”
“Aww… You said your Dad bought you Thunder Force II! I want to try it.”
“He did. But something’s wrong with the console. Mum said I could try to fix it myself, as long as I understood that it might be broken permanently if I did it wrong.”
“But… she’d get you another one if it’s broken, right?”
“Maybe. I’m not bothered, really. We always take turns playing it the whole time, and it’s a little boring. We could do this together! I bought diagrams, and Mycroft lent me… well, I have Mycroft’s tools, and he’s gone for three weeks. I have four books about circuitry and one book about gaming systems. I could lend you one today, and then you’d be able to read it before tomorrow! It would be like revising, but more fun! I should invite Harry and George as well-then they won’t need as much help revising next year! This is brilliant!”
“But, you will get another one if you can’t fix this?”
“Well… yes?… Yes, I suppose so. You’ll come on Friday, then?”
“No. Sorry, mate. Call me when the console’s fixed. But this week… erm… this week I’m really busy.”
1995
“Really, Victor?”
“Really what?”
“You only met Julia at that party yesterday.”
“Don’t start that with me, too, Sherlock.”
“Her dad would be furious if he found out you were in his Ferrari F50.”
“We didn’t drive it.”
“He’d still be furious. But Julia won’t let him find out. At least that’s over. I’ve shown my face at one party, and now we shouldn’t have to go to any more. We can relax until Christmas when Mycroft comes.”
“What are we going to do?”
“The same things we always do.”
“Studying?”
“No. I’m going to start running an experiment. I have most of the materials in my lab.”
“You have a lab?”
“It’s a guest bedroom Mum lets me use. Anyway, you’ll be interested in this. It’s…”
“Sherlock! I don’t want to stay here and play with your chemistry set! I thought we’d be going out!”
“Why would we want to gawk while my shallow acquaintances orgy?”
“Why? Sherlock, your friends are cool! I’m sorry, but I need a break over the holidays. And so do you, when it comes to it. You’re only young once. We should be taking advantage of this, you and me!”
“And I.”
“What did you say?”
“I just said it’s… Never mind. There’s nothing tonight, but I think something is happening tomorrow. I’ll call Brian.”
1998
“Diana! Come and look at this!”
“What am I looking for, Sherlock?”
“Hang on. Let me move away from the microscope first. We can’t both look at once! And don’t…”
“Oh! I’m so clumsy. Sorry. Sherlock, you couldn’t help me with that focus could you?”
“What? You don’t need me to do that. You’ve been working in this lab longer than I have.”
“True. But I’d quite like your help, Sherlock.”
“I’ll do it… But you’re going to have to stop crowding me.”
“Sorry.”
“There. Do you see what the acid did to that bacterium? This is incredible! Not only does it fit into Dr. Garvie’s theory, it…”
“Sherlock! Just stop talking.”
“What?”
“Sherlock, it’s one hour after we’re meant to go home.”
“Yes, but you did volunteer to stay.”
“I did. But not for your boring experiment. I stayed because I want to talk.”
“Talk? About what?”
“About us.”
“Us?”
“Adrienne is out of town, so I have the flat to myself tonight. We could get takeaway. I have an expensive bottle of Merlot that I’ve been saving. Candles, a romantic movie, and then maybe…
“Diana, you can’t… I’m not…”
“Come with me, Sherlock. It’s perfect.”
“No! No I can’t. I’m busy.”
“Busy? With what?”
“I… I have a date.”
“Who…?”
“With… Alexandra... Lexie! I’m going out with Lexie. Bye!”
2001
“So, what do you think-Silver Blaze, Tahoe, or Halley’s Comet? It’s long odds on Halley’s Comet, but I think he’s got some surprises in him.”
“Hmm.”
“Are you betting?”
“No.”
“Not one for the races, then?”
“No.”
“What do you…?”
“You can stop now.”
“Stop what? What’s wrong with you, mate? Can’t a chap make friendly conversation?”
“This isn’t friendly conversation.”
“What is it, then?”
“You are Derek Widener. You’ve been selling drugs for the past six years. You used to work for Bill Roark’s organization, but you’ve struck out on your own recently. You have no criminal record to date, but you are slightly nervous because of your minor traffic violation last Thursday-an absurd fear, since the police have far better things to do than to research the history of every person who speeds on the A1, and most couldn’t find their own noses if they weren’t attached to their faces. What you should be worried about is the fact that your current supply is contaminated. But since I am not a complete idiot, you are wasting your time trying to sell to me. I will be staying with my usual supplier. Any questions?”
“No.”
“And I hope, for your sake, that you did not put a large sum on Halley’s Comet, as you just lost your bet.”
2006
“Sherlock, if you’ve got something, just tell me now!
“No, not yet.”
“Sherlock!”
“I’ve already pointed you in the right direction. But until I’ve completed my investigation, I will not be telling you anything else.”
“You can’t just come in here and expect me to give you access to Met resources if you won’t give anything back.”
“The last time I tried to bring you a case, you took it, and then blocked me out-even though you needed me!-for the sake of your vanity. You lost my man and by then it was too late for me to catch him.”
“You’re talking to me about vanity?”
“It is not vain to be confident about the truth.”
“Yeah… Well… Here’s the deal, kid: I’ll ask you for help when I need it, if you ask me for help when you need it. Okay?”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Lestrade. I don’t need your help. Your resources are convenient, but I can do without them.”
“That’s easy enough for you to say now, but what about the…”
“And don’t lie to yourself, either-you will always need me. Goodbye!”
“I don’t understand, Inspector! Why do you let him talk to you like that? He doesn’t have any right. And I think he’s on something. Didn’t you see…”
“It’s fine, Donovan. Let it be.”
2010
“How did this start, then, this job you invented-being a consulting detective?”
“Up until five years ago I was working as a private detective, but it was mind-numbingly dull. People are always idiots, John, but never more so than when they are attempting to carry out clandestine affairs.”
“Lestrade said he’d known you for five years.”
“Yes. I gave him the case that got him his promotion.”
“That’s incredible! What happened?”
“The police were looking into a drunk driving fatality that I recognized was actually a murder. It was perfectly obvious to me, just from the news reports, that the man was involved in a counterfeiting operation. I looked into it further and gave Lestrade enough information to arrest the murderer, as well as the counterfeiters.”
“Bloody fantastic!”
“A few months after that I told him that a serial carjacker was a white female in her early thirties. Lestrade refused to listen, and described the suspect in a press conference as a black male in his early twenties. When I was proved correct, Sally Donovan was furious.”
“I could tell. Have you kept records of your cases?”
“Yes.”
“Could I see them?”
“Yes, of course.”
“And… well… I’m not very busy right now. You wouldn’t mind if I tagged along sometimes… when you’re on a case?”
“That would be brilliant!”