Guilty Pleasure
Title: Guilty Pleasure
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 8,000
Disclaimer: Not real, not mine.
Summary: When Brendon catches Ryan in a compromising position, it leads to a night of confessing some of their strangest fantasies.
Brendon found the hardest thing in the world to do was be silent while jacking off.
Sure, he could be quiet, but actual silence was something he could only strive for but never attain. He was lamenting his dilemma when Jon passed by the closed curtain of his bunk on the bus while his hand was down his pants, stroking furiously. He had stopped cold and his heart raced even faster than it was already going as he waited for Jon to pass, and prayed that Jon would not pull back the curtains for a moment to see what was making noise.
The last thing Brendon wanted was for one of his band mates to see him there, slightly sweaty, eyes half closed, and one hand shoved into his jeans while the other was clutching a handful of sheets. It was something he didn’t want anyone seeing.
God, no. He never wanted anyone to see this. So when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching and the door to the bunk are swinging open, fear gripped him and made him freeze which, to Brendon’s dismay, made the waves of pleasure slowly drain out of him like a full bathtub that someone had pulled the plug on. The longer he stayed immobile, the more he could feel the built up pleasure deconstructing. He silently cursed whoever it was passing this way (at least he could do that without making a sound) for making him lose it when he was just so close, so painfully hard. The sound of someone clearing their throat let Brendon know that Jon was the culprit.
Fuck Jon.
When Jon crawled sleepily into his bunk, just across and below Brendon’s, the younger man cursed again at the realization that Jon was not just passing through. With a barely audible sigh, Brendon noiselessly zipped up his pants and then rolled over and out of his bunk, intending to head for the bathroom where he might get some privacy. Not much, but a little. He was pretty sure that either way, his band mates would know what he was doing, but he didn’t care too much. As long as they could see nothing, he could deal with it.
Because all guys do it, right? It’s just accepted as a guy thing.
He dashed (or more hobbled) to the tiny bathroom on the bus, fortunately avoiding both Ryan and Spencer who were sitting near the front of the bus watching a movie together. The dull, florescent light flicked on above the bathroom mirror and he twisted the lock on the door until it was secure.
All he wanted was 5 minutes of privacy.
He turned away from his own reflection in the mirror, fearing that he’d feel embarrassed jacking off in front of himself, and he unbuttoned and unzipped his tighter than normal pants. Wasting no time, he forced his hand into the crotch of his jeans and worked feverishly to get this over with, cock painfully stiff.
Masturbating used to be a fucked up sort of past time for Brendon before Panic! at the Disco began touring. Sometimes, it was even thought out and planned. Not that Brendon was a weird, perverted kind of guy who used to jack off every day; it was just that Brendon liked sex, in any form he could get it. He’d had sex with Audrey before, but it wasn’t like they could sleep together every time Brendon got aroused. Masturbating had turned into more than just a means to an end. It was slow sort of seduction where Brendon got to do whatever he wanted without the fear of anyone watching. Not even Audrey.
It was convenient, it was how he liked it, and it got him off. That was all he needed.
Once touring had started up, the need to service himself had become even worse. What with Audrey never around, he was his only choice for satisfaction and that made it even harder to deal with the lack of privacy on the tour bus. Nearly every moment of the day was spent with Spencer, Ryan, and Brent (now Jon). And nearly every time he wanted to be alone, he was unable to get away from them.
He loved all of the guys dearly and he wouldn’t give up touring for the world, but in moments like this, when he was bent over, leaning his back against the sink, that he wished he had a bedroom, an apartment-anything to be alone in-he sort of despised touring. He refused to touch himself when any of the guys were in the room. Part of the reason was just because it was awkward and another part being that it was kind of rude. He wouldn’t want to hear Jon shifting around in his sheets, quietly moaning. It was sort of common courtesy to do it somewhere else. Unfortunately for all of them, there was not really a "somewhere else" to do it. Voices blended into the walls like they were nothing more than paper acting as a separator. They could always hear what movie was playing in the farthest back corner of the bus. Hell, they could hear someone taking a piss if they listened hard enough.
The bathroom was the closest thing to real privacy that anyone got. Not only was it the only part of the bus with a lock, it was also the most soundproof. If Brendon turned on the shower, no one could hear him breathing hard as his fingers wrapped firmly around his cock and stroked like he had 10 minutes left to live. Half the time he tried this trick, he never even stepped in the shower-just turned on the water to drown out the noise he made.
The thing was Brendon didn’t have all the time in the world to pleasure himself. On the bus, it was a race to see how quickly he could finish up, but when he’d lived in more private living arrangements he used to tease himself for almost an hour before finally getting off. He actually enjoyed drawing it out as long as he could, suspending that pleasure and getting the most out of it before ending it with this intense climax that left his whole body tingling for minutes afterwards. There were times when he held it out so long that his overly stimulated body was absolutely electric. A brush on the arm would run straight down to his cock and turn him on even more just because he was so wired and overly stimulated that he could hardly stand it. There were even times when he was so close, just barely holding onto that tiny tendril of sanity for so fucking long, that tears would gather in his eyes and it was so goodit was unbearable. Part of him hoped that going through all of that would improve his stamina. Because if you put a naked girl in front of him, the idea of drawing things out seemed ludicrous.
Such intensity was impossible on a bus full of guys who would not only know what was going on, but they’d make stupid cracks about it later.
Brendon, you wanker!
I heard Righty’s helping you cheat on Audrey.
Brendon squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip to stem the flow of obscenities that he wished to let loose. He wasn’t sure if they were because the idea of the guys making comments about him jacking off was irritating him, or if he was just so close that he was getting beyond his own control.
Eyes shut, mind switched off, Brendon just stood and drank in this delicious feeling running through every vein in his body. His hand worked faster, rougher and he could feel his legs starting to quake as the last few inches of his internal bathtub started filling up, pleasure wracking his frame with shockwaves that he couldn’t fight. No one was going to get in the way and let it all drain away again. The water crept up around the top of the tub and, with a strangled gasp, spilled over the edges. He held on to work himself through the aftershock and felt the come seeping onto his hand and into his boxers. Before it had time to completely ruin his underwear, he grabbed a line of toilet paper and cleaned himself off and then flushed the balled up mess down the toilet like he had done so many times. He wondered idly how many times the other guys had done the same thing.
He closed the lid of the toilet and sat down, leaning against the back of it, and just relaxed for a moment. He missed having a bed to do this in. He missed having someone else to do this with. More than anything, though, he was glad he could still do it. He cared more about meeting that end than how he met it, so even though he lacked the sort of personal time necessary to make it really good, it was still going to be good anyway.
He got up and checked his reflection to see how terribly disheveled he looked. He fixed his hair a little and straightened his clothes before getting his own approval to step out of the bathroom to be with the guys again.
Orgasms always made Brendon tired and he stumbled directly to his bunk to sleep. When he climbed into bed, he’d noticed that Spencer was already in his bunk directly across the way from Brendon. Curiously, Brendon swung over the edge of his bunk and looked under him to see if Ryan was already in bed too. His bunk, however, was empty and the sheets were thrown around in a tangled mess like usual. Ryan was probably still out watching the movie. Brendon sleepily wondered why he hadn’t noticed Ryan out there when he was coming out of the bathroom but he was too tired to really care. He nestled himself under the covers and fell asleep in minutes, still buzzing in the afterglow.
* * *Shit,” thought Brendon as he winced at the sound. He looked swiftly around the room, lit only by the street lights bleeding through the thin blinds. He saw nothing unusual at first, but as he waited to see if the sounds would start again, a head popped up from the couch with messy, honey-brown hair sticking up in odd directions.
“Ryan?” whispered Brendon as he rubbed some of the sleep out of his eyes.
“What are you doing here?” Ryan mumbled quickly. He sounded slightly out of breath but definitely awake.
“I was just wondering what was making noise,” Brendon said honestly. He came a step closer and Ryan scrambled around a little on the couch, a quick zipping sound reaching Brendon’s ears, before Brendon realized what had been going on.
Ryan had just been masturbating.
“…Oh,” Brendon said with wide eyes, feeling the awkwardness making the air thick. “Shit. I-sorry. I didn’t mean to… interrupt.”
Ryan sighed, knowing he was caught. “It’s… ok.”
“I’m gonna… go back to the… bunks… now.” Immediately, Brendon turned to leave.
“Was I really being that loud?” Ryan asked dejectedly.
Brendon stopped and stood scratching the back of his head for a moment before answering. “No, not really. I’m just a dipshit and had to figure out what was going on. Sorry.”
“So loud enough.”
“Just… moving around, you know?”
“Sorry.”
“It’s ok. I’m sure you guys can hear me all the time.”
“Yes,” Ryan said without pause and Brendon looked at him incredulously. Of course he knew that the guys could hear him sometimes but the way Ryan had confirmed it made it sound like they could hear his every groan and gasp. That made him feel very uneasy and a little slimy, like he had been on camera the whole time without even realizing it.
“Well don’t try to be polite and ignore it or anything.” Brendon’s tone was a little sharp just out of his embarrassment.
“I’m just saying,” Ryan said defensively, holding up one hand, “we can hear you most of the time. It’s not like I ever mention it. Maybe Spencer or Jon do, but I just… it’s weird to say something about it, you know?”
“You mean like now?”
“Sort of, yeah.”
“Sorry.” Brendon felt like that word had overstayed its welcome and was getting repetitive.
Ryan sighed understandingly. “Like I said, it’s ok. I guess it was bound to happen at some point. Living so close together for so long.”
“I guess, but that doesn’t make it any less strange.”
“I know,” replied Ryan as he looked down at his lap, which was hidden from Brendon’s view by the couch.
Pause.
“So, what happens now? Should I just go back to bed and we never speak of this again?” Brendon asked sheepishly.
“Would you actually fall back asleep?” asked Ryan.
“No.”
“Then I guess that option seems kind of stupid, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe a little,” agreed Brendon as he kicked at the invisible lint ball on the floor. He knew he would only stay awake and probably unintentionally listen for the sounds that Ryan would be sure to make if Brendon left him alone again. “Again, sorry, Ry. I know how annoying it is. Jon sort of did the same thing to me earlier tonight. Except he wasn’t a jackass who came up and fucking investigated what was going on.”
“Is that why you were in the bathroom?” Ryan asked, completely unabashed. Why was it that Ryan seemed so cool and collected even when talking about masturbating-even when caught masturbating?
“Uh, yeah.” Brendon gave a very nervous half smile and looked away. “I guess you heard that too.”
“Yeah. But it’s not a big deal. It’s not like we don’t all do it. Even though you do it the most.”
“How would you know?” Brendon asked, slightly peeved and slightly amused.
“Well, I know I don’t do it as much as you,” Ryan said as he rested his chin on the top of the back part of the couch. “And maybe Spencer and Jon are smarter about covering it up.”
“Is it… is it that bad?” Brendon asked, face scrunched up and expecting to hear the worst.
“No. Just noticeable. Sometimes frustrating, but it’s not Fight Club where you can hear things banging into the fucking walls and screaming coming from the room where the deed’s being done.”
Brendon laughed quietly, remembering that scene from the movie. “Um, good, I guess. How come I never hear you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I, like Spencer and Jon, just know how to muffle it,” Ryan said as he propped his head up with one arm and let his chin sit in the palm of his hand. His voice dropped a few levels and he murmured, “Or maybe because I mostly do it when everyone’s supposed to be asleep.”
“Crafty,” Brendon said with a smirk.
Ryan nodded and chuckled lightly. He moved over a little on the couch and gestured towards the empty space.
“If you’re not completely freaked out, I’m fine now so you can come and sit down,” he said, still as calm and good-natured as usual. He added,” If you want.”
Brendon contemplated for a second whether or not he really wanted to go and sit on the couch that Ryan had just been whacking off on but realized that it’d be better to ignore the weirdness of it all or else it might make things awkward between him and Ryan. The bigger deal he made out of this, the bigger deal it would become. Ryan was being very mature about the whole incident and Brendon tried to pluck up the poise to pass it off as casually as Ryan was.
He cautiously approached the couch and sat on it a respectable distance away from Ryan, waiting for the older boy to start up the conversation again.
“So,” Ryan said, stalling. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“Sure,” Brendon answered pleasantly.
“Why do you do it so much?” Ryan asked quietly, his voice going almost below a normal whisper. “I mean, don’t you get tired of it sometimes?”
“Not really. It just… feels good. What else do you need?” Brendon said frankly.
“Another person,” Ryan said, ignoring the fact that Brendon’s question was rhetorical. “Why don’t you just sleep with Audrey?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, she’s a couple thousand miles away,” Brendon replied dryly.
“Whatever, loser. That’s not what I meant. Is it ever enough?” Ryan asked. He sounded almost shy, ashamed. It sounded strange for him to sound timid than just a few moments ago when he was being so open and blatant.
“What do you mean?”
Ryan inhaled slowly, and then said, “After having a girlfriend and knowing what sex was actually like, just touching myself has always seemed…” he paused for a moment to find the right word, “inadequate.”
Brendon paused before answering, considering what he said. He’d never really had that problem before. “I can’t say I’ve ever had that sort of issue. Sure, I wish I had someone else to do it with most times, but I think I… I just… don’t get all I want from Audrey that I can get from myself.”
“Is she bad?”
Brendon shook his head. “No, not bad, exactly. She just wouldn’t do some of the things I’d like her to, you know?”
“I had one girlfriend who used to pull the craziest shit on me all the time when we slept together. Sometimes it was kind of weird,” Ryan said, smiling and shaking his head a little like he was remembering some of it.
“Yeah, Audrey would think it was weird too if I asked her to do some of the things.”
“Like what?” Ryan’s voice sounded genuinely interested, but not too interested. It was just interested enough, though, that Brendon felt like he was at a girls’ sleepover, swapping secrets and the obligatory who do you like?
Brendon looked at him disbelievingly.
“Whoa. Ok, that’s way too personal of a question,” Brendon said with a shaky laugh. “If I can’t even tell my girlfriend, why the hell would I be able to tell another dude?”
“Because it’s me,” Ryan said, his voice sounding comforting and coaxing. “Plus, you sort of owe me for stopping me right in the middle of my own business, jackass.”
Brendon choked on a laugh and whispered, “There’s no fucking way I’m telling you that kind of shit.”
“I’ll tell you one of mine,” Ryan offered. Brendon was suddenly reminded of 6th grade, playing truth or dare at Amanda Bryant’s house where he’d asked early-bloomer Amanda if her boobs were hard or soft. Now Ryan was asking him about his turn ons. All in all, he felt very unmanly.
“This is so fucked up,” Brendon said, groaning and covering his face.
“Of course,” Ryan agreed with a short laugh. “But we’re already in this conversation so you either answer or leave and have to listen to me finish up. If you answer, maybe I’ll be polite and go finish in the bathroom later.”
“I cannot believe you’re saying all this,” Brendon said, sending Ryan a look combining shock and fatigue. He was still so tired from getting just a few sweet hours of sleep before being awoken by Ryan.
“Come on, Brendon. You never seemed like the type to get all nervous and modest about this kind of thing.”
“But this is really, really, ridiculously personal.”
“Which is more personal: telling about the act or disturbing the act?” Ryan asked pointedly. Brendon almost couldn’t argue with that sort of retort. He started truly regretting getting out of his bunk to see what the commotion was. Now it was implied that he was inescapably indebted to Ryan. An eye for an eye and so forth.
Brendon leaned in close and Ryan did as well, like they were afraid that the walls would hear if they spoke too loudly. Their foreheads almost touched as Brendon stared into Ryan’s eyes, watching them watch him. They looked expectant. A long moment passed as Brendon tried to gather up the courage to speak, to spill one of the secrets that he thought he’d never utter.
Ryan waited patiently, still staring intently into Brendon’s shadowed eyes. The faint light from outside was casting beautifully sinister shadows across Ryan’s own face, making him appear darker and more ominous than ever. It was almost intimidating.
Here he was, about to give Ryan a chance to really take a hit at his self-esteem. The only reason why no one had ever known about these secret longings was because he knew they would only be disgusted. Brendon would be so vulnerable to attack. His defenses would be down, his vital spots exposed. It was scaring him just thinking about it.
He jerked his head away and said, “I can’t say it.”
“This is so junior high, Brendon,” Ryan whispered teasingly. “Just close your eyes and say it.”
“No. I can’t. It’d just be… too weird.”
“Then… god, I don’t know, motion it or something.”
“Yeah, because that’d be way less awkward.” Brendon looked very unimpressed.
“Just trying to think of solutions,” replied Ryan softly. “You have to do one or the other, right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Brendon said as he fidgeted on the couch cushion, trying but failing to get comfortable. “It’s just that I’m sort of self-conscious about them, ok?”
“I had no idea,” Ryan said sarcastically. He followed it with a chuckle and patted Brendon’s shoulder. “It’s ok. I’m not going to laugh at you or tell you how perverted you are. Just so long as you don’t tell me the same thing.”
Brendon looked up at Ryan pleadingly. The smile on Ryan’s soft face was encouraging and his eyes were gentle. For a second, Brendon thought it might be ok to actually tell Ryan. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t think he was a freak. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t treat him like something was wrong with him.
“Ok, I know this is going to sound fucking weird, but I’ve always wanted… Audrey sometimes likes to lick my ear and I’ve always wanted her to, sort of… lick inside it,” Brendon forced out. He squeezed his eyes shut and wanted to get up and run out of the whole damn bus when he realized what he had just said. He held his breath and looked at Ryan to try to gauge his reaction but his gaze fell. He didn’t have the guts to really want to know how Ryan was looking at him.
God, saying it out loud made it sound so gross and not nearly as sexy as he thought it was, but there were so many times when Audrey has drug her tongue along his earlobe, just grazing the spot where he felt himself shiver at the touch. She had always come so close. But how could he ask her, “Hey, can you stick your tongue right in my ear? Yeah, right in there.” That wouldn’t be awkward at all.
He sort of hoped Ryan would just make fun of him and get it over with, but the sound that reached his ears was not mocking. It was barely a whisper.
“I’ve always wanted to kiss a guy.”
Brendon froze and his eyes wrenched open in pure shock. He looked up at Ryan, who whose face was just centimeters away from his own, and wondered if the soft response he had heard had just been his imagination. It was so quiet; he could have just thought it up.
“What?” Brendon whispered shakily, unsure of whether or not to believe his ears.
“Dammit, please don’t make me say it again,” Ryan said.
There was a long moment of silence and Brendon suddenly felt like his secret desires had been completely overshadowed by Ryan’s single statement. Anything he’d ever been afraid to say was nothing compared to that. He felt like he was being rude, just sitting there in silence. Ryan probably thought that he was sitting there completely revolted. He probably thought that Brendon was going to freak out and want to get away from him now.
He was probably thinking everything that Brendon had been thinking when he had made his confession.
Feeling like he needed to make Ryan feel more comfortable, or at least less alone, he tried to think of all the worst things he’d wanted to do.
“Audrey’s never given me head. At least, not really. I’ve always wanted to know what that was like.”
“I’ve always wanted someone to lick in my bellybutton,” Ryan added, like it was a tennis game of confessions.
“I’ve always wanted to be bitten,” whispered Brendon, smacking the ball back to Ryan’s side of the court.
“I’ve always wanted to be thrown up against a wall.”
“I’ve always wanted my nipples sucked on,” Brendon said quickly. It was turning into a race, a contest to see who could come up with more embarrassing kinks.
“I’ve always wanted someone to finger me.”
Game. Set. Match. Winner: Ryan Ross. He completely aced Brendon.
Brendon took a second to receive what he had just heard and tried not to take too long to add one last thing before they let the game truly end.
“I’ve always liked grinding into you on stage,” he whispered, softer than ever. He looked up at Ryan once again and waited for the older boy to do something, say something.
“I know,” Ryan said with a sly smile.
They regarded each other with curiosity and Brendon raised his eyebrows in an unspoken question.
“Do you think I’m fucking nasty?” Ryan asked. His eyes looked unguarded.
“No,” Brendon said in a lower than normal tone. “Do you think I am?”
“No.”
The sound of cars passing outside the bus filled up the heavy air for a moment before Brendon looked cautiously down at Ryan’s lips. They looked terribly inviting, parted ever so slightly, and Brendon leaned in a fraction of an inch. He purposely stopped a little closer to Ryan’s mouth and his eyes swept up his face to meet the hazel eyes that were boring into his own unsure orbs. They urged him on with severity that Brendon had never seen belonging to his much shyer friend before.
At a painstakingly slow pace, Brendon leaned in and let his lips fall on Ryan’s, who immediately returned the kiss. For a few seconds, they sat there on the couch just leaning in close and pressing lips. When Ryan opened his mouth and let his tongue brush carefully along Brendon’s bottom lip, there was a quick moment of panic that assaulted Brendon’s mind. A kiss was not something you just forgot about, and a French kiss was not something you did only once. It has the tendency to snowball. He was already screwed because from now on, he would never be able to look at Ryan without thinking of this night, but if he opened his mouth and let something insane start, he would never be able to be alone with Ryan again without something happening.
He tried to weigh the pros and cons for a moment of starting something with Ryan, because he knew this would not just be a one-night instance. Something boiling beneath his skin refused to let his thoughts finish, though, and he found himself prying open his lips and allowing Ryan to delve into his ready and willing mouth.
Tongues met for the first time and Ryan inhaled a long, sharp breath through his nose. As if prompted on by that small contact, something outrageously uncharacteristic awoke in Ryan. With that, a pair of hands clutched Brendon by the shoulders and pulled him closer as the tongue in his mouth moved more urgently.
Brendon was taken aback by the sudden explosion of passion, but Brendon was the sort of boy who never said no to pleasure no matter the source, and he responded in tune by grasping Ryan at the hips while the thinner boy nearly clung to him. Just like in the bathroom, his brain started to shut down and his body, completely ungoverned, began to take control. Everything felt foggy and unclear. He could hardly tell where he was touching Ryan from where Ryan was touching him, where one boy ended and the other began. All he could sense was the feeling of mouths crushing each other and fingers tentatively brushing over bodies.
The feeling of Ryan’s already half hard erection shook Brendon from the fog for a moment. He opened his eyes and his brain jumpstarted as he found himself laying on his back on the couch with Ryan over him, legs woven together as Ryan’s cock was beginning to push into Brendon’s thigh.
He was about to say something as Ryan went down his neck, kissing and sucking like he wanted to devour Brendon right there, but any and all words were swallowed when Ryan suddenly rose to Brendon’s ear and took the soft cartilage between his teeth for a moment. Brendon wanted to ask Ryan to stop because he knew what was coming next. He wanted to say something, do something, but he was powerless in that instant as Ryan extended his tongue to dip down into Brendon’s ear, swirling around like he had done this a thousand times before.
It was like a firecracker of sensations just went off in Brendon as the lovely slide of a tongue caressed his ear, plunging down into a place where you would think you’d never want a tongue to go. From one of the strangest places on the body, Brendon experienced something even better than any orgasm he might have brought on by himself.
All of a sudden, Brendon’s voice came back to him as he let loose a moan from the back of his throat. It was low and guttural and so dreadfully sensual that it made Ryan tremble just listening to it.
“Good, huh?” Ryan murmured as he swept a finger down Brendon’s throat.
“Again.”
Ryan didn’t hesitate to oblige and his mouth was attacking Brendon’s earlobe before obediently thrusting itself back into the ever so sensitive ear. Brendon was reduced to a writhing, panting mess and Ryan chuckled, the vibrations of his laughter sending more sparks through Brendon.
“Don’t laugh at me,” Brendon whined as he turned away from Ryan’s ministrations a little dramatically.
“It’s just… I never hear you like this,” Ryan said huskily. He forced his words out against Brendon’s skin, hoping it was annunciated enough to understand. “Breathing, yeah. But never noises. I like it.”
“I never hear you at all,” Brendon said, suddenly finding it rather unfair that Ryan was enjoying having all the control.
“I don’t make sounds,” Ryan said casually.
“Everyone makes sounds as long as it’s good,” Brendon said, not buying Ryan’s claim. Then he added with a smirk, “I guess you’ve just never been done good.”
“Please stop mangling the English language and start moaning again,” Ryan said as he reattached himself to Brendon’s lips. “I liked that better.”
“Ryan, are you gay?” Brendon said with a laugh. He meant it jokingly and wasn’t expecting a response, but Ryan seemed to take it seriously.
“No. Not gay,” he said surely. “But when I’m disrupted while masturbating, I think I’m allowed some residual horniness.”
“This is just residual?!” Brendon’s voice was a cross between surprised and pleased.
“Yes. What-is this all you’ve got?” Ryan arched one eyebrow like a challenge. No way was Brendon backing down.
“No,” Brendon shot back almost defensively. “I’m just getting warmed up.”
Of course, Brendon was already a little more than warmed up as it was. He could feel his dick, already getting hard, pressing impatiently into Ryan’s leg. He had to make a conscious effort not to roll his hips to feel that wonderful friction he loved so much, the kind he had been missing. However, his body was switching to autopilot and his back was arching, straining to feel more of Ryan, and he couldn’t help but nudge his cock into Ryan’s thin leg. Ryan didn’t seem to mind, though. He sighed when Brendon lifted as he curved into the boy above him and reveled in the sound Brendon made when Ryan swept his tongue down Brendon’s neck. A sweet, whimper broke the chain of deep, throaty groans and Ryan lifted his head up for a second to give Brendon a puzzled look.
Instead of offering an explanation for himself, Brendon grabbed Ryan by the shoulders hard and pushed away. The moment Brendon sat up on the couch, he shoved Ryan down and wasted no time rushing to stoop over him. He wordlessly leaned down and mashed his mouth back on Ryan’s, licking vigorously inside the other boy’s mouth, not really caring how much of a reaction he received. Ryan sat there for a moment and just allowed himself to be kissed. The sound of their breaths hissing as they sharply inhaled and exhaled made Brendon nervous for a split second because Jon and Spencer would probably be able to hear if they were awake. That care was gone the moment Ryan started kissing back with the same fire as Brendon.
“And now,” Brendon mumbled between their kiss, “you can say you’ve kissed a guy.”
Ryan pulled away slightly and licked Brendon’s lips. Trying to follow Ryan’s tongue back into his mouth, Brendon leaned down for another kiss but Ryan stopped him. Instead of going back to Brendon’s mouth, he ducked his head lower and began a delicious slow trail down Brendon’s neck. Acting in accordance, Brendon stretched out his neck and let the older boy kiss down to his collarbone, where he bit firmly on the sharp bone, extracting another low moan from the boy above him. Brendon gritted his teeth when Ryan bit again, a little harder than before.
“Bitten,” Ryan said, like another thing was checked off the list.
“Maybe biting isn’t going to go on my list of turn ons,” Brendon said with a breathy chuckle. His collarbone was starting to feel tender and he hoped Ryan wouldn’t try to lavish any more attention on it. So he was wrong about the biting thing. Some things are always better in theory than actual execution.
“How about…” Brendon said.
He hunched himself over Ryan’s lean torso and worked the hem of the tight shirt up over Ryan’s stomach. Just enough to expose the boy’s bellybutton. When Brendon looked up at Ryan, the older boy was licking his lips. From interest or from anxiousness, Brendon wasn’t sure.
Dipping his head down, he probed his tongue inside the shallow bellybutton and paid close attention to how hard Ryan was watching. He could feel a pair of eyes burning holes in his head as he carefully kissed just below the thin boy’s navel. He purposely kept his eyes down. It’s not like this wasn’t a little strange anyway. Having to look up at Ryan’s desperate eyes would be too much. Means to an end, he kept telling himself. Just a means to an end.
Ryan jerked when Brendon dug his tongue deep into Ryan’s bellybutton and swirled it.
“God,” Ryan breathed. “Brendon.”
He grabbed Brendon by the sides of the head and tugged him up to his mouth so they were kissing, messy and off-center but hot. Primal. Brendon had never realized that Ryan had exceptionally good kissing lips. Not huge and overbearing like his own could be, but not too small. Just right. It also helped that Ryan knew how to kiss like an animal and it just complimented his lips.
A groan escaped Brendon’s mouth and he shuffled further up so he was crouching over Ryan, legs straddling his stomach. He managed to force out between connected lips, “I. Don’t know. Why this. Is so damn hot.”
“You better never fucking tell anyone about this,” Ryan said back.
“Are you kidding me? I’d rather tell the world how much I masturbate,” Brendon said with a strained laugh. Ryan didn’t let him laugh long.
“Do you know how long it’s been since I had sex?” Ryan said, sounding pathetically desperate against Brendon’s open mouth.
Brendon grinned against Ryan’s lips. “I’m not going to have sex with you, Ryan.”
“I’m not asking you to,” he said. Brendon occupied his mouth with kissing down Ryan’s neck, nipping not-so-gently at the thin, delicate skin. He snuck a hand down to Ryan’s stomach and brushed his knuckles across the expanse of beautiful skin. He could feel Ryan’s abdominals clenching and unclenching.
“Then what are you trying to say?” Brendon asked, muffled.
“It’s my excuse. For why I’m doing this.” Ryan said, sounding like he was trying to regain some composure, but not trying too hard.
“You need an excuse?” asked Brendon, slightly amused.
“Unless I’m gay, I do,” he said with a dry laugh. “What’s yours?”
“You seduced me. I was barely awake and you lured me into this act of Sodomy, taking advantage of my disoriented state,” Brendon said, never faltering as he scraped his teeth down edge of Ryan’s ear and the curve of his neck.
“That’s a fucking ridiculous excuse,” laughed Ryan quietly.
“So’s yours.”
Brendon moved up and placed a small, closed kiss on the corner of Ryan’s mouth, being pulled into a real one when Ryan shifted his head and caught Brendon’s lip, mouth already open before he reached Brendon’s. Ryan’s mouth was urgent, terribly urgent. It was like he was afraid that he wasn’t ever going to get the chance to enjoy this again so he was milking it for all it was worth. Not objecting to the vigor, Brendon just kissed back, letting Ryan grab onto his hips and steady them. As much as Brendon was pretty sure he knew what Ryan was doing, he didn’t expect the sudden, rough roll of hips to make him nearly choke on his groan. He pulled away from Ryan to hover just inches above him and breathe. Breathe hard.
For a moment, there was just that-breathing. Their mouths, barely separated, were open and near to panting. Never in his life had he ever felt so close to someone. So suddenly. And for that moment, Ryan slid his hands up from Brendon’s hips, up his chest, around his neck, to finally clasp the sides of Brendon’s face. Brendon could feel the sweat beading on his skin already.
A moment of tenderness. A single second of intimacy. And then, back to mouths and hips fused together, and the drumbeat of hearts pounding like mad.
Brendon ground his hips down hard into Ryan’s as he drove his tongue back into the older boy’s mouth, both of them not knowing where to put their hands. They ended up groping around until Brendon just rested with his elbows on either side of Ryan and Ryan’s hands settling nicely on Brendon’s back, tracing his spine mindlessly and making Brendon arch. God, if Brendon hadn’t been hard before…
Ryan gasped once and Brendon felt victorious. It was then that Brendon noticed how obviously hard Ryan was. It was almost uncomfortable with the way they were grinding. Their cocks rubbed together in an uncoordinated way, sometimes slipping a little and jabbing each other in the hip, but it still felt so fucking good. He could look past the slight discomfort.
“B-Bren-don,” Ryan barely whispered. The whisper almost sounded strangely quiet. Brendon supposed they had been speaking just a little too loudly before. Ryan exhaled sharply and then whispered again. “Brendon. I can’t wait any more.”
Brendon didn’t answer, just slowed his movement because Ryan was doing it first.
“Touch me or leave so I can,” Ryan breathed. A tiny smile spread across his mouth, the mouth still hanging open just a little as the breath rushed in and out of his lungs.
Brendon chuckled low, not quite sounding as sexy as he was aiming for. “Well I’m definitely not going to go masturbate in the bathroom.”
Brendon saw Ryan slide his eyes shut as he gave the same chuckle and moved his hands just above his head.
“Don’t go all homophobe on me halfway through,” Ryan said in an attempt to sound threatening but he ended up only coming off as a little needy.
Brendon grinned and hesitantly sat back on his heels, still sitting astride Ryan’s hips. Concentrating very carefully, he unbuttoned Ryan’s pants and pulled down the zipper. He tried not to be nervous.
“Today, Brendon,” mumbled Ryan a little impatiently.
With the little bit of goading, Brendon peeled the pants down just past Ryan’s hips and slipped his hand into the front of Ryan’s boxers. He found himself thankful for the convenient buttoned flap positioned right where he needed it. When his fingers first brushed Ryan’s cock, Ryan’s jagged intake of breath almost made him jump.
“This isn’t anything you don’t know how to do, Urie,” he assured himself. “This isn’t the first time you’ve touched one of these so act like it.”
He wrapped his fingers gently around it, feeling the vein pulsing just under the skin and felt Ryan buck weakly into his hand. Then Ryan gave a small, almost aggravated growl and grabbed Brendon by the collar of his shirt to bring the younger boy down for a kiss. When their lips met, the sparks ignited again and Brendon wasn’t thinking anymore. He was just doing what he instinctively knew to do.
He stroked timidly at first but developed a rhythm slowly, enjoying the feeling of Ryan rolling up to meet each stroke as best he could. It was like nothing Brendon had ever imagined. Never in his life had he thought he’d be on the giving side of something like this. It felt so natural and he didn’t question it. Why ruin such a good thing so soon?
Ryan’s hands drove themselves into Brendon’s hair and securely trapped him there. The pre-come smearing on his hand nearly grossed him out, but he was mostly too engrossed in the kiss to genuinely care. Nothing’s ever too disgusting when there’s sex involved.
When Ryan pushed up faster, needier, into Brendon’s hand, Brendon pulled a little harder and sped up the pace. He could feel Ryan twitching subtly. He would lose the rhythm for a second and then fall back into step after a moment. Brendon could even hear Ryan’s breath hitching and quickening. Detaching his lips from Ryan’s, Brendon kissed down the slender neck (because Ryan seemed to like that) and sucked hard on his pulse point, earning him a gasp.
“Brendon,” he rasped. “I’m-I’m…”
“I know,” Brendon said quickly. He worked faster and couldn’t help but rotate his hips a little and rub against Ryan’s thigh. He thought he might come soon if this went on much longer.
And then, Ryan’s hips snapped up unexpectedly and a deep, surprisingly loud moan ripped from Ryan’s throat. Hot spurts hit Brendon’s hand and he slowed down, pulling Ryan through it as the final waves hit him. When Ryan’s whole body finally went limp, Brendon stopped and withdrew his hand. He quickly scanned the room for something to wipe his hand off on and found an old magazine sitting on the table next to the couch.
“Better than nothing,” he thought as he picked it up and cleaned his fingers as thoroughly as he could. He dropped the magazine on the floor and hoped he would remember to throw it away before someone picked it up and tried to read it.
Then he leaned down to Ryan and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Ryan pulled him into another when Brendon tried to pull away, arms wrapping around his neck.
“Not done, hm?” Brendon murmured. The grin he had was impossible to suppress.
“No. Your turn,” whispered Ryan.
He unhooked one arm from Brendon’s neck to reach down and slither into Brendon’s pants (which Brendon just realized were jeans. He guessed that he forgot to change before conking out). Making fast work of the button and zipper, Ryan wasted no time grabbing Brendon’s cock firmly and stroking. Brendon made an appreciative sound in his throat and kept kissing Ryan. Still on his hands and knees over Ryan, Brendon did his best to keep himself supported. He could collapse once it was all over.
A flick of the wrist and Brendon was shuddering. Full body tremors were shooting down to his toes and making it nearly impossible to concentrate on kissing. Ryan didn’t let off, though. He only kissed harder, sliding his tongue more insistently in Brendon’s mouth. Slowly, Brendon could feel the pressure building, the heat in his abdomen growing until he was sure he was going to explode. Every moan was lost in Ryan’s mouth.
“Ry,” was all he could get out before every muscle tensed and made it hard to talk. He jerked away from the older boy’s lips to squeeze his eyes shut, grunt a little too loudly, and come hard into Ryan’s hand.
It took him a second to think that maybe he had come a little soon, but he didn’t really care. He was too tired and too sated to really care about how much Ryan might (and probably would) privately taunt him about his stamina.
“Ry. Ryan. That was,” he panted as he dropped his head into the crook of Ryan’s neck. “God damn.”
“I can hardly imagine you trying to handle a blow job,” joked Ryan. He motioned to the floor at the magazine and Brendon lazily shifted to pick it up. He handed it to his friend and Ryan gave a grateful nod.
“Yeah. That’s right. I said I wanted to see what head was like,” Brendon said groggily. He was suddenly realized how little sleep he had gotten and how badly he wanted some.
“Maybe next time,” replied Ryan as the pages crinkled and crumpled.
Brendon settled in between Ryan and the backrest of the couch and didn’t even try to fight the smile at the words next time.
* * *
“Tryin’ catch me ridin’ dirtay,” Jon murmured with a gigantic smile on his lips.
“Shut up and go back to sleep,” Spencer said, rolling over in the bunk above Jon’s.
Pairing: Ryan/Brendon
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 8,000
Disclaimer: Not real, not mine.
Summary: When Brendon catches Ryan in a compromising position, it leads to a night of confessing some of their strangest fantasies.
Brendon found the hardest thing in the world to do was be silent while jacking off.
Sure, he could be quiet, but actual silence was something he could only strive for but never attain. He was lamenting his dilemma when Jon passed by the closed curtain of his bunk on the bus while his hand was down his pants, stroking furiously. He had stopped cold and his heart raced even faster than it was already going as he waited for Jon to pass, and prayed that Jon would not pull back the curtains for a moment to see what was making noise.
The last thing Brendon wanted was for one of his band mates to see him there, slightly sweaty, eyes half closed, and one hand shoved into his jeans while the other was clutching a handful of sheets. It was something he didn’t want anyone seeing.
God, no. He never wanted anyone to see this. So when he heard the sound of footsteps approaching and the door to the bunk are swinging open, fear gripped him and made him freeze which, to Brendon’s dismay, made the waves of pleasure slowly drain out of him like a full bathtub that someone had pulled the plug on. The longer he stayed immobile, the more he could feel the built up pleasure deconstructing. He silently cursed whoever it was passing this way (at least he could do that without making a sound) for making him lose it when he was just so close, so painfully hard. The sound of someone clearing their throat let Brendon know that Jon was the culprit.
Fuck Jon.
When Jon crawled sleepily into his bunk, just across and below Brendon’s, the younger man cursed again at the realization that Jon was not just passing through. With a barely audible sigh, Brendon noiselessly zipped up his pants and then rolled over and out of his bunk, intending to head for the bathroom where he might get some privacy. Not much, but a little. He was pretty sure that either way, his band mates would know what he was doing, but he didn’t care too much. As long as they could see nothing, he could deal with it.
Because all guys do it, right? It’s just accepted as a guy thing.
He dashed (or more hobbled) to the tiny bathroom on the bus, fortunately avoiding both Ryan and Spencer who were sitting near the front of the bus watching a movie together. The dull, florescent light flicked on above the bathroom mirror and he twisted the lock on the door until it was secure.
All he wanted was 5 minutes of privacy.
He turned away from his own reflection in the mirror, fearing that he’d feel embarrassed jacking off in front of himself, and he unbuttoned and unzipped his tighter than normal pants. Wasting no time, he forced his hand into the crotch of his jeans and worked feverishly to get this over with, cock painfully stiff.
Masturbating used to be a fucked up sort of past time for Brendon before Panic! at the Disco began touring. Sometimes, it was even thought out and planned. Not that Brendon was a weird, perverted kind of guy who used to jack off every day; it was just that Brendon liked sex, in any form he could get it. He’d had sex with Audrey before, but it wasn’t like they could sleep together every time Brendon got aroused. Masturbating had turned into more than just a means to an end. It was slow sort of seduction where Brendon got to do whatever he wanted without the fear of anyone watching. Not even Audrey.
It was convenient, it was how he liked it, and it got him off. That was all he needed.
Once touring had started up, the need to service himself had become even worse. What with Audrey never around, he was his only choice for satisfaction and that made it even harder to deal with the lack of privacy on the tour bus. Nearly every moment of the day was spent with Spencer, Ryan, and Brent (now Jon). And nearly every time he wanted to be alone, he was unable to get away from them.
He loved all of the guys dearly and he wouldn’t give up touring for the world, but in moments like this, when he was bent over, leaning his back against the sink, that he wished he had a bedroom, an apartment-anything to be alone in-he sort of despised touring. He refused to touch himself when any of the guys were in the room. Part of the reason was just because it was awkward and another part being that it was kind of rude. He wouldn’t want to hear Jon shifting around in his sheets, quietly moaning. It was sort of common courtesy to do it somewhere else. Unfortunately for all of them, there was not really a "somewhere else" to do it. Voices blended into the walls like they were nothing more than paper acting as a separator. They could always hear what movie was playing in the farthest back corner of the bus. Hell, they could hear someone taking a piss if they listened hard enough.
The bathroom was the closest thing to real privacy that anyone got. Not only was it the only part of the bus with a lock, it was also the most soundproof. If Brendon turned on the shower, no one could hear him breathing hard as his fingers wrapped firmly around his cock and stroked like he had 10 minutes left to live. Half the time he tried this trick, he never even stepped in the shower-just turned on the water to drown out the noise he made.
The thing was Brendon didn’t have all the time in the world to pleasure himself. On the bus, it was a race to see how quickly he could finish up, but when he’d lived in more private living arrangements he used to tease himself for almost an hour before finally getting off. He actually enjoyed drawing it out as long as he could, suspending that pleasure and getting the most out of it before ending it with this intense climax that left his whole body tingling for minutes afterwards. There were times when he held it out so long that his overly stimulated body was absolutely electric. A brush on the arm would run straight down to his cock and turn him on even more just because he was so wired and overly stimulated that he could hardly stand it. There were even times when he was so close, just barely holding onto that tiny tendril of sanity for so fucking long, that tears would gather in his eyes and it was so goodit was unbearable. Part of him hoped that going through all of that would improve his stamina. Because if you put a naked girl in front of him, the idea of drawing things out seemed ludicrous.
Such intensity was impossible on a bus full of guys who would not only know what was going on, but they’d make stupid cracks about it later.
Brendon, you wanker!
I heard Righty’s helping you cheat on Audrey.
Brendon squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip to stem the flow of obscenities that he wished to let loose. He wasn’t sure if they were because the idea of the guys making comments about him jacking off was irritating him, or if he was just so close that he was getting beyond his own control.
Eyes shut, mind switched off, Brendon just stood and drank in this delicious feeling running through every vein in his body. His hand worked faster, rougher and he could feel his legs starting to quake as the last few inches of his internal bathtub started filling up, pleasure wracking his frame with shockwaves that he couldn’t fight. No one was going to get in the way and let it all drain away again. The water crept up around the top of the tub and, with a strangled gasp, spilled over the edges. He held on to work himself through the aftershock and felt the come seeping onto his hand and into his boxers. Before it had time to completely ruin his underwear, he grabbed a line of toilet paper and cleaned himself off and then flushed the balled up mess down the toilet like he had done so many times. He wondered idly how many times the other guys had done the same thing.
He closed the lid of the toilet and sat down, leaning against the back of it, and just relaxed for a moment. He missed having a bed to do this in. He missed having someone else to do this with. More than anything, though, he was glad he could still do it. He cared more about meeting that end than how he met it, so even though he lacked the sort of personal time necessary to make it really good, it was still going to be good anyway.
He got up and checked his reflection to see how terribly disheveled he looked. He fixed his hair a little and straightened his clothes before getting his own approval to step out of the bathroom to be with the guys again.
Orgasms always made Brendon tired and he stumbled directly to his bunk to sleep. When he climbed into bed, he’d noticed that Spencer was already in his bunk directly across the way from Brendon. Curiously, Brendon swung over the edge of his bunk and looked under him to see if Ryan was already in bed too. His bunk, however, was empty and the sheets were thrown around in a tangled mess like usual. Ryan was probably still out watching the movie. Brendon sleepily wondered why he hadn’t noticed Ryan out there when he was coming out of the bathroom but he was too tired to really care. He nestled himself under the covers and fell asleep in minutes, still buzzing in the afterglow.
* * *Shit,” thought Brendon as he winced at the sound. He looked swiftly around the room, lit only by the street lights bleeding through the thin blinds. He saw nothing unusual at first, but as he waited to see if the sounds would start again, a head popped up from the couch with messy, honey-brown hair sticking up in odd directions.
“Ryan?” whispered Brendon as he rubbed some of the sleep out of his eyes.
“What are you doing here?” Ryan mumbled quickly. He sounded slightly out of breath but definitely awake.
“I was just wondering what was making noise,” Brendon said honestly. He came a step closer and Ryan scrambled around a little on the couch, a quick zipping sound reaching Brendon’s ears, before Brendon realized what had been going on.
Ryan had just been masturbating.
“…Oh,” Brendon said with wide eyes, feeling the awkwardness making the air thick. “Shit. I-sorry. I didn’t mean to… interrupt.”
Ryan sighed, knowing he was caught. “It’s… ok.”
“I’m gonna… go back to the… bunks… now.” Immediately, Brendon turned to leave.
“Was I really being that loud?” Ryan asked dejectedly.
Brendon stopped and stood scratching the back of his head for a moment before answering. “No, not really. I’m just a dipshit and had to figure out what was going on. Sorry.”
“So loud enough.”
“Just… moving around, you know?”
“Sorry.”
“It’s ok. I’m sure you guys can hear me all the time.”
“Yes,” Ryan said without pause and Brendon looked at him incredulously. Of course he knew that the guys could hear him sometimes but the way Ryan had confirmed it made it sound like they could hear his every groan and gasp. That made him feel very uneasy and a little slimy, like he had been on camera the whole time without even realizing it.
“Well don’t try to be polite and ignore it or anything.” Brendon’s tone was a little sharp just out of his embarrassment.
“I’m just saying,” Ryan said defensively, holding up one hand, “we can hear you most of the time. It’s not like I ever mention it. Maybe Spencer or Jon do, but I just… it’s weird to say something about it, you know?”
“You mean like now?”
“Sort of, yeah.”
“Sorry.” Brendon felt like that word had overstayed its welcome and was getting repetitive.
Ryan sighed understandingly. “Like I said, it’s ok. I guess it was bound to happen at some point. Living so close together for so long.”
“I guess, but that doesn’t make it any less strange.”
“I know,” replied Ryan as he looked down at his lap, which was hidden from Brendon’s view by the couch.
Pause.
“So, what happens now? Should I just go back to bed and we never speak of this again?” Brendon asked sheepishly.
“Would you actually fall back asleep?” asked Ryan.
“No.”
“Then I guess that option seems kind of stupid, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe a little,” agreed Brendon as he kicked at the invisible lint ball on the floor. He knew he would only stay awake and probably unintentionally listen for the sounds that Ryan would be sure to make if Brendon left him alone again. “Again, sorry, Ry. I know how annoying it is. Jon sort of did the same thing to me earlier tonight. Except he wasn’t a jackass who came up and fucking investigated what was going on.”
“Is that why you were in the bathroom?” Ryan asked, completely unabashed. Why was it that Ryan seemed so cool and collected even when talking about masturbating-even when caught masturbating?
“Uh, yeah.” Brendon gave a very nervous half smile and looked away. “I guess you heard that too.”
“Yeah. But it’s not a big deal. It’s not like we don’t all do it. Even though you do it the most.”
“How would you know?” Brendon asked, slightly peeved and slightly amused.
“Well, I know I don’t do it as much as you,” Ryan said as he rested his chin on the top of the back part of the couch. “And maybe Spencer and Jon are smarter about covering it up.”
“Is it… is it that bad?” Brendon asked, face scrunched up and expecting to hear the worst.
“No. Just noticeable. Sometimes frustrating, but it’s not Fight Club where you can hear things banging into the fucking walls and screaming coming from the room where the deed’s being done.”
Brendon laughed quietly, remembering that scene from the movie. “Um, good, I guess. How come I never hear you?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I, like Spencer and Jon, just know how to muffle it,” Ryan said as he propped his head up with one arm and let his chin sit in the palm of his hand. His voice dropped a few levels and he murmured, “Or maybe because I mostly do it when everyone’s supposed to be asleep.”
“Crafty,” Brendon said with a smirk.
Ryan nodded and chuckled lightly. He moved over a little on the couch and gestured towards the empty space.
“If you’re not completely freaked out, I’m fine now so you can come and sit down,” he said, still as calm and good-natured as usual. He added,” If you want.”
Brendon contemplated for a second whether or not he really wanted to go and sit on the couch that Ryan had just been whacking off on but realized that it’d be better to ignore the weirdness of it all or else it might make things awkward between him and Ryan. The bigger deal he made out of this, the bigger deal it would become. Ryan was being very mature about the whole incident and Brendon tried to pluck up the poise to pass it off as casually as Ryan was.
He cautiously approached the couch and sat on it a respectable distance away from Ryan, waiting for the older boy to start up the conversation again.
“So,” Ryan said, stalling. “Can I ask you a personal question?”
“Sure,” Brendon answered pleasantly.
“Why do you do it so much?” Ryan asked quietly, his voice going almost below a normal whisper. “I mean, don’t you get tired of it sometimes?”
“Not really. It just… feels good. What else do you need?” Brendon said frankly.
“Another person,” Ryan said, ignoring the fact that Brendon’s question was rhetorical. “Why don’t you just sleep with Audrey?”
“In case you haven’t noticed, she’s a couple thousand miles away,” Brendon replied dryly.
“Whatever, loser. That’s not what I meant. Is it ever enough?” Ryan asked. He sounded almost shy, ashamed. It sounded strange for him to sound timid than just a few moments ago when he was being so open and blatant.
“What do you mean?”
Ryan inhaled slowly, and then said, “After having a girlfriend and knowing what sex was actually like, just touching myself has always seemed…” he paused for a moment to find the right word, “inadequate.”
Brendon paused before answering, considering what he said. He’d never really had that problem before. “I can’t say I’ve ever had that sort of issue. Sure, I wish I had someone else to do it with most times, but I think I… I just… don’t get all I want from Audrey that I can get from myself.”
“Is she bad?”
Brendon shook his head. “No, not bad, exactly. She just wouldn’t do some of the things I’d like her to, you know?”
“I had one girlfriend who used to pull the craziest shit on me all the time when we slept together. Sometimes it was kind of weird,” Ryan said, smiling and shaking his head a little like he was remembering some of it.
“Yeah, Audrey would think it was weird too if I asked her to do some of the things.”
“Like what?” Ryan’s voice sounded genuinely interested, but not too interested. It was just interested enough, though, that Brendon felt like he was at a girls’ sleepover, swapping secrets and the obligatory who do you like?
Brendon looked at him disbelievingly.
“Whoa. Ok, that’s way too personal of a question,” Brendon said with a shaky laugh. “If I can’t even tell my girlfriend, why the hell would I be able to tell another dude?”
“Because it’s me,” Ryan said, his voice sounding comforting and coaxing. “Plus, you sort of owe me for stopping me right in the middle of my own business, jackass.”
Brendon choked on a laugh and whispered, “There’s no fucking way I’m telling you that kind of shit.”
“I’ll tell you one of mine,” Ryan offered. Brendon was suddenly reminded of 6th grade, playing truth or dare at Amanda Bryant’s house where he’d asked early-bloomer Amanda if her boobs were hard or soft. Now Ryan was asking him about his turn ons. All in all, he felt very unmanly.
“This is so fucked up,” Brendon said, groaning and covering his face.
“Of course,” Ryan agreed with a short laugh. “But we’re already in this conversation so you either answer or leave and have to listen to me finish up. If you answer, maybe I’ll be polite and go finish in the bathroom later.”
“I cannot believe you’re saying all this,” Brendon said, sending Ryan a look combining shock and fatigue. He was still so tired from getting just a few sweet hours of sleep before being awoken by Ryan.
“Come on, Brendon. You never seemed like the type to get all nervous and modest about this kind of thing.”
“But this is really, really, ridiculously personal.”
“Which is more personal: telling about the act or disturbing the act?” Ryan asked pointedly. Brendon almost couldn’t argue with that sort of retort. He started truly regretting getting out of his bunk to see what the commotion was. Now it was implied that he was inescapably indebted to Ryan. An eye for an eye and so forth.
Brendon leaned in close and Ryan did as well, like they were afraid that the walls would hear if they spoke too loudly. Their foreheads almost touched as Brendon stared into Ryan’s eyes, watching them watch him. They looked expectant. A long moment passed as Brendon tried to gather up the courage to speak, to spill one of the secrets that he thought he’d never utter.
Ryan waited patiently, still staring intently into Brendon’s shadowed eyes. The faint light from outside was casting beautifully sinister shadows across Ryan’s own face, making him appear darker and more ominous than ever. It was almost intimidating.
Here he was, about to give Ryan a chance to really take a hit at his self-esteem. The only reason why no one had ever known about these secret longings was because he knew they would only be disgusted. Brendon would be so vulnerable to attack. His defenses would be down, his vital spots exposed. It was scaring him just thinking about it.
He jerked his head away and said, “I can’t say it.”
“This is so junior high, Brendon,” Ryan whispered teasingly. “Just close your eyes and say it.”
“No. I can’t. It’d just be… too weird.”
“Then… god, I don’t know, motion it or something.”
“Yeah, because that’d be way less awkward.” Brendon looked very unimpressed.
“Just trying to think of solutions,” replied Ryan softly. “You have to do one or the other, right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Brendon said as he fidgeted on the couch cushion, trying but failing to get comfortable. “It’s just that I’m sort of self-conscious about them, ok?”
“I had no idea,” Ryan said sarcastically. He followed it with a chuckle and patted Brendon’s shoulder. “It’s ok. I’m not going to laugh at you or tell you how perverted you are. Just so long as you don’t tell me the same thing.”
Brendon looked up at Ryan pleadingly. The smile on Ryan’s soft face was encouraging and his eyes were gentle. For a second, Brendon thought it might be ok to actually tell Ryan. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t think he was a freak. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t treat him like something was wrong with him.
“Ok, I know this is going to sound fucking weird, but I’ve always wanted… Audrey sometimes likes to lick my ear and I’ve always wanted her to, sort of… lick inside it,” Brendon forced out. He squeezed his eyes shut and wanted to get up and run out of the whole damn bus when he realized what he had just said. He held his breath and looked at Ryan to try to gauge his reaction but his gaze fell. He didn’t have the guts to really want to know how Ryan was looking at him.
God, saying it out loud made it sound so gross and not nearly as sexy as he thought it was, but there were so many times when Audrey has drug her tongue along his earlobe, just grazing the spot where he felt himself shiver at the touch. She had always come so close. But how could he ask her, “Hey, can you stick your tongue right in my ear? Yeah, right in there.” That wouldn’t be awkward at all.
He sort of hoped Ryan would just make fun of him and get it over with, but the sound that reached his ears was not mocking. It was barely a whisper.
“I’ve always wanted to kiss a guy.”
Brendon froze and his eyes wrenched open in pure shock. He looked up at Ryan, who whose face was just centimeters away from his own, and wondered if the soft response he had heard had just been his imagination. It was so quiet; he could have just thought it up.
“What?” Brendon whispered shakily, unsure of whether or not to believe his ears.
“Dammit, please don’t make me say it again,” Ryan said.
There was a long moment of silence and Brendon suddenly felt like his secret desires had been completely overshadowed by Ryan’s single statement. Anything he’d ever been afraid to say was nothing compared to that. He felt like he was being rude, just sitting there in silence. Ryan probably thought that he was sitting there completely revolted. He probably thought that Brendon was going to freak out and want to get away from him now.
He was probably thinking everything that Brendon had been thinking when he had made his confession.
Feeling like he needed to make Ryan feel more comfortable, or at least less alone, he tried to think of all the worst things he’d wanted to do.
“Audrey’s never given me head. At least, not really. I’ve always wanted to know what that was like.”
“I’ve always wanted someone to lick in my bellybutton,” Ryan added, like it was a tennis game of confessions.
“I’ve always wanted to be bitten,” whispered Brendon, smacking the ball back to Ryan’s side of the court.
“I’ve always wanted to be thrown up against a wall.”
“I’ve always wanted my nipples sucked on,” Brendon said quickly. It was turning into a race, a contest to see who could come up with more embarrassing kinks.
“I’ve always wanted someone to finger me.”
Game. Set. Match. Winner: Ryan Ross. He completely aced Brendon.
Brendon took a second to receive what he had just heard and tried not to take too long to add one last thing before they let the game truly end.
“I’ve always liked grinding into you on stage,” he whispered, softer than ever. He looked up at Ryan once again and waited for the older boy to do something, say something.
“I know,” Ryan said with a sly smile.
They regarded each other with curiosity and Brendon raised his eyebrows in an unspoken question.
“Do you think I’m fucking nasty?” Ryan asked. His eyes looked unguarded.
“No,” Brendon said in a lower than normal tone. “Do you think I am?”
“No.”
The sound of cars passing outside the bus filled up the heavy air for a moment before Brendon looked cautiously down at Ryan’s lips. They looked terribly inviting, parted ever so slightly, and Brendon leaned in a fraction of an inch. He purposely stopped a little closer to Ryan’s mouth and his eyes swept up his face to meet the hazel eyes that were boring into his own unsure orbs. They urged him on with severity that Brendon had never seen belonging to his much shyer friend before.
At a painstakingly slow pace, Brendon leaned in and let his lips fall on Ryan’s, who immediately returned the kiss. For a few seconds, they sat there on the couch just leaning in close and pressing lips. When Ryan opened his mouth and let his tongue brush carefully along Brendon’s bottom lip, there was a quick moment of panic that assaulted Brendon’s mind. A kiss was not something you just forgot about, and a French kiss was not something you did only once. It has the tendency to snowball. He was already screwed because from now on, he would never be able to look at Ryan without thinking of this night, but if he opened his mouth and let something insane start, he would never be able to be alone with Ryan again without something happening.
He tried to weigh the pros and cons for a moment of starting something with Ryan, because he knew this would not just be a one-night instance. Something boiling beneath his skin refused to let his thoughts finish, though, and he found himself prying open his lips and allowing Ryan to delve into his ready and willing mouth.
Tongues met for the first time and Ryan inhaled a long, sharp breath through his nose. As if prompted on by that small contact, something outrageously uncharacteristic awoke in Ryan. With that, a pair of hands clutched Brendon by the shoulders and pulled him closer as the tongue in his mouth moved more urgently.
Brendon was taken aback by the sudden explosion of passion, but Brendon was the sort of boy who never said no to pleasure no matter the source, and he responded in tune by grasping Ryan at the hips while the thinner boy nearly clung to him. Just like in the bathroom, his brain started to shut down and his body, completely ungoverned, began to take control. Everything felt foggy and unclear. He could hardly tell where he was touching Ryan from where Ryan was touching him, where one boy ended and the other began. All he could sense was the feeling of mouths crushing each other and fingers tentatively brushing over bodies.
The feeling of Ryan’s already half hard erection shook Brendon from the fog for a moment. He opened his eyes and his brain jumpstarted as he found himself laying on his back on the couch with Ryan over him, legs woven together as Ryan’s cock was beginning to push into Brendon’s thigh.
He was about to say something as Ryan went down his neck, kissing and sucking like he wanted to devour Brendon right there, but any and all words were swallowed when Ryan suddenly rose to Brendon’s ear and took the soft cartilage between his teeth for a moment. Brendon wanted to ask Ryan to stop because he knew what was coming next. He wanted to say something, do something, but he was powerless in that instant as Ryan extended his tongue to dip down into Brendon’s ear, swirling around like he had done this a thousand times before.
It was like a firecracker of sensations just went off in Brendon as the lovely slide of a tongue caressed his ear, plunging down into a place where you would think you’d never want a tongue to go. From one of the strangest places on the body, Brendon experienced something even better than any orgasm he might have brought on by himself.
All of a sudden, Brendon’s voice came back to him as he let loose a moan from the back of his throat. It was low and guttural and so dreadfully sensual that it made Ryan tremble just listening to it.
“Good, huh?” Ryan murmured as he swept a finger down Brendon’s throat.
“Again.”
Ryan didn’t hesitate to oblige and his mouth was attacking Brendon’s earlobe before obediently thrusting itself back into the ever so sensitive ear. Brendon was reduced to a writhing, panting mess and Ryan chuckled, the vibrations of his laughter sending more sparks through Brendon.
“Don’t laugh at me,” Brendon whined as he turned away from Ryan’s ministrations a little dramatically.
“It’s just… I never hear you like this,” Ryan said huskily. He forced his words out against Brendon’s skin, hoping it was annunciated enough to understand. “Breathing, yeah. But never noises. I like it.”
“I never hear you at all,” Brendon said, suddenly finding it rather unfair that Ryan was enjoying having all the control.
“I don’t make sounds,” Ryan said casually.
“Everyone makes sounds as long as it’s good,” Brendon said, not buying Ryan’s claim. Then he added with a smirk, “I guess you’ve just never been done good.”
“Please stop mangling the English language and start moaning again,” Ryan said as he reattached himself to Brendon’s lips. “I liked that better.”
“Ryan, are you gay?” Brendon said with a laugh. He meant it jokingly and wasn’t expecting a response, but Ryan seemed to take it seriously.
“No. Not gay,” he said surely. “But when I’m disrupted while masturbating, I think I’m allowed some residual horniness.”
“This is just residual?!” Brendon’s voice was a cross between surprised and pleased.
“Yes. What-is this all you’ve got?” Ryan arched one eyebrow like a challenge. No way was Brendon backing down.
“No,” Brendon shot back almost defensively. “I’m just getting warmed up.”
Of course, Brendon was already a little more than warmed up as it was. He could feel his dick, already getting hard, pressing impatiently into Ryan’s leg. He had to make a conscious effort not to roll his hips to feel that wonderful friction he loved so much, the kind he had been missing. However, his body was switching to autopilot and his back was arching, straining to feel more of Ryan, and he couldn’t help but nudge his cock into Ryan’s thin leg. Ryan didn’t seem to mind, though. He sighed when Brendon lifted as he curved into the boy above him and reveled in the sound Brendon made when Ryan swept his tongue down Brendon’s neck. A sweet, whimper broke the chain of deep, throaty groans and Ryan lifted his head up for a second to give Brendon a puzzled look.
Instead of offering an explanation for himself, Brendon grabbed Ryan by the shoulders hard and pushed away. The moment Brendon sat up on the couch, he shoved Ryan down and wasted no time rushing to stoop over him. He wordlessly leaned down and mashed his mouth back on Ryan’s, licking vigorously inside the other boy’s mouth, not really caring how much of a reaction he received. Ryan sat there for a moment and just allowed himself to be kissed. The sound of their breaths hissing as they sharply inhaled and exhaled made Brendon nervous for a split second because Jon and Spencer would probably be able to hear if they were awake. That care was gone the moment Ryan started kissing back with the same fire as Brendon.
“And now,” Brendon mumbled between their kiss, “you can say you’ve kissed a guy.”
Ryan pulled away slightly and licked Brendon’s lips. Trying to follow Ryan’s tongue back into his mouth, Brendon leaned down for another kiss but Ryan stopped him. Instead of going back to Brendon’s mouth, he ducked his head lower and began a delicious slow trail down Brendon’s neck. Acting in accordance, Brendon stretched out his neck and let the older boy kiss down to his collarbone, where he bit firmly on the sharp bone, extracting another low moan from the boy above him. Brendon gritted his teeth when Ryan bit again, a little harder than before.
“Bitten,” Ryan said, like another thing was checked off the list.
“Maybe biting isn’t going to go on my list of turn ons,” Brendon said with a breathy chuckle. His collarbone was starting to feel tender and he hoped Ryan wouldn’t try to lavish any more attention on it. So he was wrong about the biting thing. Some things are always better in theory than actual execution.
“How about…” Brendon said.
He hunched himself over Ryan’s lean torso and worked the hem of the tight shirt up over Ryan’s stomach. Just enough to expose the boy’s bellybutton. When Brendon looked up at Ryan, the older boy was licking his lips. From interest or from anxiousness, Brendon wasn’t sure.
Dipping his head down, he probed his tongue inside the shallow bellybutton and paid close attention to how hard Ryan was watching. He could feel a pair of eyes burning holes in his head as he carefully kissed just below the thin boy’s navel. He purposely kept his eyes down. It’s not like this wasn’t a little strange anyway. Having to look up at Ryan’s desperate eyes would be too much. Means to an end, he kept telling himself. Just a means to an end.
Ryan jerked when Brendon dug his tongue deep into Ryan’s bellybutton and swirled it.
“God,” Ryan breathed. “Brendon.”
He grabbed Brendon by the sides of the head and tugged him up to his mouth so they were kissing, messy and off-center but hot. Primal. Brendon had never realized that Ryan had exceptionally good kissing lips. Not huge and overbearing like his own could be, but not too small. Just right. It also helped that Ryan knew how to kiss like an animal and it just complimented his lips.
A groan escaped Brendon’s mouth and he shuffled further up so he was crouching over Ryan, legs straddling his stomach. He managed to force out between connected lips, “I. Don’t know. Why this. Is so damn hot.”
“You better never fucking tell anyone about this,” Ryan said back.
“Are you kidding me? I’d rather tell the world how much I masturbate,” Brendon said with a strained laugh. Ryan didn’t let him laugh long.
“Do you know how long it’s been since I had sex?” Ryan said, sounding pathetically desperate against Brendon’s open mouth.
Brendon grinned against Ryan’s lips. “I’m not going to have sex with you, Ryan.”
“I’m not asking you to,” he said. Brendon occupied his mouth with kissing down Ryan’s neck, nipping not-so-gently at the thin, delicate skin. He snuck a hand down to Ryan’s stomach and brushed his knuckles across the expanse of beautiful skin. He could feel Ryan’s abdominals clenching and unclenching.
“Then what are you trying to say?” Brendon asked, muffled.
“It’s my excuse. For why I’m doing this.” Ryan said, sounding like he was trying to regain some composure, but not trying too hard.
“You need an excuse?” asked Brendon, slightly amused.
“Unless I’m gay, I do,” he said with a dry laugh. “What’s yours?”
“You seduced me. I was barely awake and you lured me into this act of Sodomy, taking advantage of my disoriented state,” Brendon said, never faltering as he scraped his teeth down edge of Ryan’s ear and the curve of his neck.
“That’s a fucking ridiculous excuse,” laughed Ryan quietly.
“So’s yours.”
Brendon moved up and placed a small, closed kiss on the corner of Ryan’s mouth, being pulled into a real one when Ryan shifted his head and caught Brendon’s lip, mouth already open before he reached Brendon’s. Ryan’s mouth was urgent, terribly urgent. It was like he was afraid that he wasn’t ever going to get the chance to enjoy this again so he was milking it for all it was worth. Not objecting to the vigor, Brendon just kissed back, letting Ryan grab onto his hips and steady them. As much as Brendon was pretty sure he knew what Ryan was doing, he didn’t expect the sudden, rough roll of hips to make him nearly choke on his groan. He pulled away from Ryan to hover just inches above him and breathe. Breathe hard.
For a moment, there was just that-breathing. Their mouths, barely separated, were open and near to panting. Never in his life had he ever felt so close to someone. So suddenly. And for that moment, Ryan slid his hands up from Brendon’s hips, up his chest, around his neck, to finally clasp the sides of Brendon’s face. Brendon could feel the sweat beading on his skin already.
A moment of tenderness. A single second of intimacy. And then, back to mouths and hips fused together, and the drumbeat of hearts pounding like mad.
Brendon ground his hips down hard into Ryan’s as he drove his tongue back into the older boy’s mouth, both of them not knowing where to put their hands. They ended up groping around until Brendon just rested with his elbows on either side of Ryan and Ryan’s hands settling nicely on Brendon’s back, tracing his spine mindlessly and making Brendon arch. God, if Brendon hadn’t been hard before…
Ryan gasped once and Brendon felt victorious. It was then that Brendon noticed how obviously hard Ryan was. It was almost uncomfortable with the way they were grinding. Their cocks rubbed together in an uncoordinated way, sometimes slipping a little and jabbing each other in the hip, but it still felt so fucking good. He could look past the slight discomfort.
“B-Bren-don,” Ryan barely whispered. The whisper almost sounded strangely quiet. Brendon supposed they had been speaking just a little too loudly before. Ryan exhaled sharply and then whispered again. “Brendon. I can’t wait any more.”
Brendon didn’t answer, just slowed his movement because Ryan was doing it first.
“Touch me or leave so I can,” Ryan breathed. A tiny smile spread across his mouth, the mouth still hanging open just a little as the breath rushed in and out of his lungs.
Brendon chuckled low, not quite sounding as sexy as he was aiming for. “Well I’m definitely not going to go masturbate in the bathroom.”
Brendon saw Ryan slide his eyes shut as he gave the same chuckle and moved his hands just above his head.
“Don’t go all homophobe on me halfway through,” Ryan said in an attempt to sound threatening but he ended up only coming off as a little needy.
Brendon grinned and hesitantly sat back on his heels, still sitting astride Ryan’s hips. Concentrating very carefully, he unbuttoned Ryan’s pants and pulled down the zipper. He tried not to be nervous.
“Today, Brendon,” mumbled Ryan a little impatiently.
With the little bit of goading, Brendon peeled the pants down just past Ryan’s hips and slipped his hand into the front of Ryan’s boxers. He found himself thankful for the convenient buttoned flap positioned right where he needed it. When his fingers first brushed Ryan’s cock, Ryan’s jagged intake of breath almost made him jump.
“This isn’t anything you don’t know how to do, Urie,” he assured himself. “This isn’t the first time you’ve touched one of these so act like it.”
He wrapped his fingers gently around it, feeling the vein pulsing just under the skin and felt Ryan buck weakly into his hand. Then Ryan gave a small, almost aggravated growl and grabbed Brendon by the collar of his shirt to bring the younger boy down for a kiss. When their lips met, the sparks ignited again and Brendon wasn’t thinking anymore. He was just doing what he instinctively knew to do.
He stroked timidly at first but developed a rhythm slowly, enjoying the feeling of Ryan rolling up to meet each stroke as best he could. It was like nothing Brendon had ever imagined. Never in his life had he thought he’d be on the giving side of something like this. It felt so natural and he didn’t question it. Why ruin such a good thing so soon?
Ryan’s hands drove themselves into Brendon’s hair and securely trapped him there. The pre-come smearing on his hand nearly grossed him out, but he was mostly too engrossed in the kiss to genuinely care. Nothing’s ever too disgusting when there’s sex involved.
When Ryan pushed up faster, needier, into Brendon’s hand, Brendon pulled a little harder and sped up the pace. He could feel Ryan twitching subtly. He would lose the rhythm for a second and then fall back into step after a moment. Brendon could even hear Ryan’s breath hitching and quickening. Detaching his lips from Ryan’s, Brendon kissed down the slender neck (because Ryan seemed to like that) and sucked hard on his pulse point, earning him a gasp.
“Brendon,” he rasped. “I’m-I’m…”
“I know,” Brendon said quickly. He worked faster and couldn’t help but rotate his hips a little and rub against Ryan’s thigh. He thought he might come soon if this went on much longer.
And then, Ryan’s hips snapped up unexpectedly and a deep, surprisingly loud moan ripped from Ryan’s throat. Hot spurts hit Brendon’s hand and he slowed down, pulling Ryan through it as the final waves hit him. When Ryan’s whole body finally went limp, Brendon stopped and withdrew his hand. He quickly scanned the room for something to wipe his hand off on and found an old magazine sitting on the table next to the couch.
“Better than nothing,” he thought as he picked it up and cleaned his fingers as thoroughly as he could. He dropped the magazine on the floor and hoped he would remember to throw it away before someone picked it up and tried to read it.
Then he leaned down to Ryan and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Ryan pulled him into another when Brendon tried to pull away, arms wrapping around his neck.
“Not done, hm?” Brendon murmured. The grin he had was impossible to suppress.
“No. Your turn,” whispered Ryan.
He unhooked one arm from Brendon’s neck to reach down and slither into Brendon’s pants (which Brendon just realized were jeans. He guessed that he forgot to change before conking out). Making fast work of the button and zipper, Ryan wasted no time grabbing Brendon’s cock firmly and stroking. Brendon made an appreciative sound in his throat and kept kissing Ryan. Still on his hands and knees over Ryan, Brendon did his best to keep himself supported. He could collapse once it was all over.
A flick of the wrist and Brendon was shuddering. Full body tremors were shooting down to his toes and making it nearly impossible to concentrate on kissing. Ryan didn’t let off, though. He only kissed harder, sliding his tongue more insistently in Brendon’s mouth. Slowly, Brendon could feel the pressure building, the heat in his abdomen growing until he was sure he was going to explode. Every moan was lost in Ryan’s mouth.
“Ry,” was all he could get out before every muscle tensed and made it hard to talk. He jerked away from the older boy’s lips to squeeze his eyes shut, grunt a little too loudly, and come hard into Ryan’s hand.
It took him a second to think that maybe he had come a little soon, but he didn’t really care. He was too tired and too sated to really care about how much Ryan might (and probably would) privately taunt him about his stamina.
“Ry. Ryan. That was,” he panted as he dropped his head into the crook of Ryan’s neck. “God damn.”
“I can hardly imagine you trying to handle a blow job,” joked Ryan. He motioned to the floor at the magazine and Brendon lazily shifted to pick it up. He handed it to his friend and Ryan gave a grateful nod.
“Yeah. That’s right. I said I wanted to see what head was like,” Brendon said groggily. He was suddenly realized how little sleep he had gotten and how badly he wanted some.
“Maybe next time,” replied Ryan as the pages crinkled and crumpled.
Brendon settled in between Ryan and the backrest of the couch and didn’t even try to fight the smile at the words next time.
* * *
“Tryin’ catch me ridin’ dirtay,” Jon murmured with a gigantic smile on his lips.
“Shut up and go back to sleep,” Spencer said, rolling over in the bunk above Jon’s.