Gainsay, part 3

[choclitbunny]

Hours later, the lights in the hotel room were off and all the boys had sunk into bed, thrilled for comfortable sleep. The room had two queen sized beds so two boys slept in each bed. Jon and Brendon in one, Spencer and Ryan in the other. They turned off the TV and flicked off the lights with mumbled good nights. But Brendon was on a mission. Sort of. Actually, it was more like he had an idea.

He crawled out of bed, trying not to disturb Jon, and crept over to Ryan on the other side of the room. He shook Ryan’s shoulder gently, and Ryan stirred a little but swatted Brendon’s hand away.

Brendon leaned down and whispered close to Ryan’s ear, “Ryan. Get up. I want to show you something.” He let his lips brush the edge of Ryan’s ear for a split second to try and get his attention. Ryan just half groaned, half sighed like he was not in the mood.

“Come on. Please?” Brendon pleaded, his voice so quiet that Ryan wouldn’t have heard him if Brendon’s mouth hadn’t been so close. Grudgingly, Ryan sat up and stumbled into a standing position.

“Put some clothes on. We’re leaving the room,” commanded Brendon. Ryan didn’t seem to care enough to put up a fight. Brendon felt a little bad about waking him up, but this was worth it. This was totally worth it. Or at least he hoped it would be.

In the darkness, they could only manage to find the clothes they had worn that day to put back on. Brendon crinkled his nose as he pulled the same shirt over his head and could smell more than a hint of sweat on it. He thought a little bitterly that Ryan’s probably still smelled fine. He remembered to pat his pocket and felt a familiar solid shape tucked beneath the denim.

Ryan might very well have fallen asleep standing up, because he didn’t respond when Brendon told him to walk for the door. Brendon had to grab hold of Ryan’s wrist to get him to move. Remembering to snatch a card key before slipping out, he tugged Ryan out the door and shut it as quietly as he could, which meant there was still an annoyingly loud click that probably woke someone up.

Finally, Ryan was awake enough to speak, “Where are we going?”

“Out,” was Brendon’s quick reply.

“No, really.”

“The bus.”

“Why?” Ryan asked while rubbing his eyes with the hand Brendon wasn’t gripping.

“The bus is empty.” Brendon said it like it was simple, like it implied something that Ryan was supposed to just understand. As they scampered down the hall and reached the elevator, Ryan tried to figure out what that was. But for the life of him, he couldn’t put two and two together. Math had never been his strong point, though. Yeah. Wait… what? He was so, so tired. He leaned on the wall in the elevator and shut his eyes but Brendon jolted him.

“Seriously, Ry. Stay awake. You’re no good to me asleep,” Brendon said with a warm smile.

They stopped on the third floor and Brendon told Ryan to stay and make sure the elevator doors stayed open. Ryan just nodded and paced around in the small space to wake himself up a little more.

Brendon jogged down the hall and looked at each of the numbers on the doors. Zach had told them that he, the bus driver, and a few of the techs were going to stay in 315 for the night, and that if they needed anything to come and get them. Knocking sharply at the door, Brendon stood outside in the hall and shifted from foot to foot until he heard the handle clicking and saw Zach standing in the doorway.

“What’s up, Bren?” he asked seriously.

“Can I get the keys for the bus?” Brendon said, feeling nervous and a little jittery.

“What for?”

“Um, I left my, uh, sidekick down there and… Audrey was supposed to call me tonight,” he managed. God, he sucked at coming up with shit on the spot.

Zach gave him a skeptical look but, nevertheless, left the doorway for a second and came back with the keys.

“Bring ‘em back up after you get it,” Zach said sluggishly. He sounded tired, too.

“Right, yeah. Thanks!” Brendon said as he shuffled down the hall and back to the elevator to find Ryan rubbing his face and trying to smooth down his hair.

Brendon stepped in and pressed the button for the lobby. “Let’s go.”

Ryan nodded and blinked sleep out of his eyes, the vacant look now gone from them. They strolled out of the hotel doors and the receptionist didn’t even look up at them because apparently it was normal for people to be trafficking in and out of their doors at 12:30 at night.

They found the bus in the parking structure after a good twenty minutes of wandering around it without a clue as to where they should begin. Ryan had just started getting cranky and Brendon had just started getting nervous when they saw it sitting innocently in a corner.

“How ridiculous is this, that we just spent half an hour looking for this big-ass bus that should have been so easy to find?” Ryan said with a weary chuckle. “I swear we were just over there, and we didn’t see it.”

“It has so not been half an hour, Ross. Stop being a drama queen. I forgot to ask where they parked it,” Brendon said. Ryan sighed in irritation and Brendon tried to reach over to pet the hair at the nape of Ryan’s neck playfully, but Ryan ducked out of the way. The bounce still never left Brendon’s step as they made their way across the concrete and chipped parking lot lines to reach their bus.

He unlocked the door and they stepped inside, everything silent apart from the keys jingling loudly. No lights were on and the blinds were covering the windows, keeping out most of the light from the fluorescent bulbs in the parking structure. It was strange to walk onto the bus and find it deserted like this, dark and desolate. There had almost always been the driver or some random drifter occupying it ever since it had become their bus. The silence made Brendon feel like he had found his own little haven to get away from the chaos of everything, like the bathroom at a crazy party. The seclusion was nice.

Ryan closed the door behind him and flipped the light switch to the front lounge. The bus looked even emptier than he could ever remember it because of the lack of clothes, bags, and personal items they had brought with them inside the hotel.

“It’s like a skeleton,” Ryan commented. He plopped down on the couch and rested his head back. “It looks so dead without everything and everyone inside of it.”

Brendon nodded after a second. He fell down onto the couch next to Ryan and said, “It’s kind of nice.”

“Yeah.”

Brendon counted the seconds in his head that it took him to gather the courage to lean in closer to Ryan. “Four, five, movedammit, six, seven…”

The silence suddenly felt loaded. The sound of his jeans shifting on the couch echoed in his ears and Ryan was no idiot. He stayed perfectly still as Brendon breath fanned over his neck, warm and humid.

“Ryan,” Brendon murmured at length. Then he starting singing softly, “I think we’re alone now, alone now.”

Ryan smiled, trying to come off as indulgent but Brendon knew he just couldn’t help it. “Do you ever stop being ridiculously corny?”

“Excuse me? Corny? I just threw Tiffany at you, dude. That’s classic 80’s right there and you’re calling me corny! I’m insulted,” said Brendon with a pout. He turned his back and crossed his arms.

“Tiffany was never that great anyway,” said Ryan, leaning close and resting his chin on Brendon’s shoulder. Brendon looked at him out of the corner of his eye.

“She could’ve been, though,” Brendon said with a goofy grin. Ryan cuffed the side of his head.

“Oh my god, just stop right now.” But he was laughing.

Their laughter eased into silence again and Brendon started getting fidgety.

Edging on exasperated, Ryan finally sighed and said, “Shit, if you want to kiss me, Brendon, you don’t have to fucking wait for it.”

Brendon felt a shock jump from his gut as Ryan grabbed both sides of his face and kissed him. He jumped up from the couch and flipped the lights off again before returning quickly to the couch and to Brendon. Lips crashed together again and they shifted on the couch until they were comfortable, feeling more confident and free once out of the light.

“I sort of suck at this seducing thing, huh?” mumbled Brendon against Ryan’s lips.

“Only a lot,” said Ryan. He pulled back for a second to add, “Good thing I don’t need seducing.”

Brendon tried to laugh but Ryan’s mouth was on his again and his tongue was poking its way into Brendon’s mouth. He settled for a self-satisfied smirk and kissed back.

And then, somehow, Brendon was on his back on the couch, Ryan looming over him and kissing like he’d been deprived, which he completely wasn’t because they had made out for almost half an hour in the back lounge before they’d reached the hotel, for Christ’s sake. Brendon pulled Ryan’s legs apart so the older boy was straddling him and then rested his hands on Ryan’s ass. Maybe, he admitted to himself, he had a bit of a thing for Ryan’s ass in general.

He loved this feeling of being surrounded, being swallowed by a person’s presence. The couch at his back gave under their weight and it felt like Ryan and Brendon were pressed together in every place possible. He liked feeling pressed at all sides. Like nothing could touch him but Ryan.

Ryan sucked on Brendon’s bottom lip gently and Brendon could feel his smile.

“You planned this, didn’t you?” mumbled Ryan, his lips brushing against Brendon’s as he spoke. Brendon liked the way Ryan sounded when he was tired, talking deep in his throat and drawing out words without realizing it. He could feel himself both relaxing and getting more excited at the sound.

“Planned isn’t really the correct word,” Brendon explained. “More like I hoped like hell it would work.”

“We really are alone,” Ryan said like it finally dawned on him. He could barely remember a time within the past year when they weren’t all touring or working or hanging out or just hanging around.

“Yeah,” Brendon said, languidly pecking Ryan on the lips again, his lips spreading slowly into a gentle smile. “Which means we have an entire night to do anything we want, danger-free.”

Their eyes began adjusting to the darkness, making it easier for them to see clearly. And maybe it was just that he needed to put in new contacts or that the lack of light made everything look softer, less defined, but Ryan looked almost angelic.

For a few more minutes, they stayed there wrapped up in each other and kissed unhurriedly, blunt fingernails raking through hair. Brendon started feeling the edges of his mind blurring, the world melting away. Just as he thought he might fall asleep, Ryan pulled back just a little, hovering over Brendon’s mouth, and chuckled. His warm breath fell over Brendon’s face and Brendon willed his eyes open.

“Don’t fall asleep on me, Bren,” Ryan joked. “You’re no good to me asleep.”

Brendon smiled drowsily. “So how are we going to spend our one-time-only night alooone?” he asked, drawing out the last word and shimmying his shoulders.

“Let’s just see how it goes,” said Ryan, eyes sure and steady in the dim light. Brendon liked that answer.

Ryan’s lips fell back on his, a little more anxious and needy than before. Brendon slipped his hands under Ryan’s shirt and placed them just above the slanting curve of his hips, slowly rubbing his fingers in soft circles. Ryan tensed for a moment and then went half limp, warm and pliant in Brendon’s hands.

Ryan exhaled heavily and said, “My muscles are so sore, and that feels like fucking heaven.”

“If I didn’t suck at it, I would offer a massage,” Brendon said a little apologetically.

“Just keeping doing that,” Ryan breathed. He leaned down and reattached their lips together.

Brendon moved his hands to lie on the small of Ryan’s back and used his thumbs to dig into stiff, knotted muscles as he worked his tongue into Ryan’s mouth. The sounds Ryan made rolled around between their mouths, making Brendon shiver and push his hips up a bit. The longer he kept his thumbs moving in Ryan’s back, the more the boy seemed to melt. His smooth, lean back slumped and his head lolled a little, like he was relaxing too much to even be able to hold himself up.

When Brendon got caught up in Ryan’s tongue curling around his in their mouths, his hands moved down to Ryan’s ass again, like it was their default position, and squeezed. Ryan’s legs flexed on either side of his, bracketing Brendon’s thighs tightly. The angle they were positioned in was weird and a little uncomfortable, his balls being a little pinched between his legs, so he hesitantly slid a hand down the back of Ryan’s thigh and squeezed.

“Lift,” he mumbled quickly. Ryan obliged and Brendon moved his own legs apart and placed Ryan’s in between. Brendon liked this part a lot.

He rolled his hips up against Ryan’s thigh and his voice cracked softly amidst a moan. Ryan was too gone to make fun of him. He only kissed harder, moving in a rhythm against Brendon’s mouth like his hips were rutting against something too, but they only met air. Brendon slid his hand down from Ryan’s ass to the back of his leg, circling around to massage lightly at the muscles straining in Ryan’s inner thigh. He kept his hand there, inches from Ryan’s zipper, and just enjoyed the way Ryan’s mouth shook and sputtered with the idea of so close. Just for a second, Brendon moved his hand up to palm Ryan lightly through his pants and pulled it away when Ryan gasped.

“Brendon,” Ryan whined. Brendon tried not to smirk, but it was hard with Ryan there whimpering and nudging his hips closer to his hand.

He kept their lips together as he scooted up into a sitting position before he dropped his lips to the side of Ryan’s neck. Like Brendon had snapped his neck, Ryan’s head fell completely back and his mouth hung open as a breathy moan escaped.

“I’m getting the feeling you have a thing for necks,” Brendon murmured against skin. Ryan choked on what would have been his response.

Brendon wove his fingers into Ryan’s hair at the base of his skull and licked down the tendon pulled stiff in his neck. Ryan actually moaned aloud when Brendon bit down on the side of his neck and clutched handfuls of Brendon’s shirt, leaving Brendon feeling very accomplished.

“I really like it when you do that,” said Brendon, stretching down the collar of Ryan’s shirt to reach more of his neck. Ryan’s skin tasted like salt and boy, something Brendon never thought he’d learn to like.

“I could say the same thing.” Ryan’s embarrassed smile leaked into his voice. He tugged on Brendon’s shirt demandingly and pulled it up over the boy’s head when they took a moment to separate. Guitar-calloused fingers brushed over his chest and a shiver skittered up his spine.

“Hey,” Ryan said, stopping a little suddenly. “I just remembered something.”

Brendon glanced at him and said into is cheek, “What?”

Ryan didn’t answer but slunk down to mouth at Brendon’s collarbone and looked up like he fucking knew he looked hot and wanted to take advantage of it, leering up from under his hair with a hint of a smile. Brendon’s abs clenched reflexively and his breath shortened. Hands skated down his sides and Ryan dipped his head down until his tongue flicked out over Brendon’s nipple, provoking the smallest gasp. He did it again, harder. Brendon let his neck give out and dropped his head to the side just as Ryan kissed and sucked a little, trying to test and see if this was actually ok. Sparks of pleasure ignited and fizzed under Brendon’s skin with each bit of suction. He nearly came apart when Ryan took it in his teeth and nibbled gently.

“Do you like that?” Ryan said softly, lips sweeping over Brendon’s chest.

“Do you even have to ask?” exclaimed Brendon.

Ryan held in a laugh. “Just making sure it’s not all only good in theory.”

Brendon nearly tackled him when he lunged forward for another kiss. They rocked back onto the couch, Ryan’s back hitting the armrest behind him, and Brendon licked into Ryan’s mouth, desperate for the taste and the fight that he always met with Ryan. Arms wrapped around Brendon’s back and pulled him close. He needed to feel bare skin. He needed to touch. He took hold of Ryan’s shirt and dragged it over his head, mussing up his hair a little.

“Speaking of theories,” Brendon started suggestively. Ryan watched him and waited until he finished. “I wanted to try another one out.”

“Which one?”

“Which one do you want to try?” He was avoiding the question a little, but he hoped he’d be lucky enough that Ryan would guess it on his own.

“I’m really not picky right now. One that involves touching my dick, preferably.”

“Hilarious. But, no, really.”

“I can’t come up with one on the spot,” said Ryan as he pushed his hair out of his eyes. “Which one were you thinking?”

Brendon paused and tried to think of the best way to say it, but euphemisms were not really part of being with Ryan.

“Still like the idea of being fingered?” Brendon asked huskily. Ryan went still except for the Adam’s apple that bobbed in his throat.

Brendon fished around in his pocket for a moment and retrieved the little bottle of lube. He held it up for Ryan to see and wiggled it between his fingers.

Ryan saw and said, “I’m not even going to ask.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked Brendon, who was a little put-off. He clutched the bottle a little harder than necessary, but he had the irrational fear that he was going to lose it and everything would be sort of ruined.

“Confident, were we?” said Ryan. He smiled, but it still seemed like he was making fun of Brendon.

“Do you want this or not?” said Brendon, a little frustrated. His hand darted down and rubbed the seam of Ryan’s pants where he hoped was right there. Ryan’s eyelids fluttered and he pursed his lips.

Brendon kept pressing. “Come on, tell me, Ryan. Do you want it?”

Ryan closed his eyes and tucked his chin down but didn’t speak.

Brendon barked a laugh that was a little ugly and arrogant but relieved, and said, “I guess I know you a little better than you give me credit for.”

Ryan bit his lip and shuddered as Brendon rubbed circles in the split of his ass outside the pants.

“Take your pants off,” Brendon said. He felt his cock twitch and shift when Ryan actually listened.

He watched intently as Ryan stood on his knees and unbuckled his belt, fingers slowly curling around the leather right above the bump in his pants. His eyes trailed from Ryan’s chest, down his stomach, and fixed on his hands at his crotch. The sound of the zipper was amplified by the silence, like it was so significant in the dark. Brendon bit his lip softly as Ryan pushed the pants off his hips and down his thighs, exposing everything, and he helped Ryan slide them down his legs until they were bunched up in a ball and half shoved between the couch cushions.

This was the first time Brendon had seen Ryan like this, naked and wanting. He’d caught glimpses of Ryan in various states of undress before, but that had always been accidental. Not much to see besides a bare back or a pale thigh. But nothing like this. Completely bare and hard, cock pink and straining.

Brendon moved to the floor and motioned for Ryan to follow. When he did, Brendon pushed lightly on his chest and Ryan leaned back until he was down on the floor, looking up at Brendon a little sheepishly. Brendon leaned over to kiss him and his mouth was already open and ready, tongue probing around and rubbing hard against Brendon’s.

When Brendon pulled away and sat up straight, Ryan shifted a little nervously. He put both feet on the floor and slowly moved them apart to give Brendon room. As Ryan looked up at him, cock flushed against his hip and eyes open as a book, Brendon was barely sure he could do this. There was always something intimidating about doing something to someone else versus trying it on yourself.

He looked up at Ryan, who had propped himself up on his elbows comfortably, and bit his lip as if to say Don’t get mad if I suck at this. He flicked open the cap on the bottle of lube and squeezed some onto his fingers. Nervously, he opened it again and got more, hoping that the more he used, the less it would hurt. His fingers dripped with it as he reached down to touch Ryan gingerly. Right there. The muscles in Ryan’s neck tensed a little, and Brendon hoped that was a good sign.

“So, you’ve never really done this?” asked Brendon, spreading the lube around his entrance and stroking tenderly.

“I lied,” Ryan confessed. “I’ve done it. Not a whole lot, but… I’ve done it. Never anyone else, though.”

A sort of possessive satisfaction warmed Brendon. Ryan knew he liked it, knew to want it, but Brendon got to be the first one. He had never been anyone’s first anything before Ryan.

“Tell me if I’m going too fast or doing anything wrong, ok?” whispered Brendon, rubbing Ryan’s thigh gently. Ryan nodded.

Slowly, hesitantly, he pushed his first finger past the ring of muscle until he couldn’t go any further and was so happy he’d made it this far that he wanted to do something ridiculous like throw up his arms and say yes! He tried to stay focused. Pulling back, he watched Ryan’s face for some indication of what he was feeling but the blank stare proved to be no help.

“Just gonna go with it,” thought Brendon. He slid back in as far as he could and felt Ryan shift. The lube made it easy for him to slip his finger in and out like a rhythm. In. Out. In. Out. In. Twist. Ryan gasped and his stomach dipped.

“Good?” Brendon asked hopefully. Ryan smiled and nodded once.

He kept up the pattern for a little while longer, trying to twist and crook his finger every couple of times, searching for that thing. (Prostate, he reminded himself.) He nearly jumped when Ryan cried out suddenly, his whole body curling into itself.

“Yes, yes, right there,” Ryan growled. Brendon smiled childishly, very proud of himself.

He nudged his second finger against first, trying to warn Ryan that it was coming. As gently as he possibly could, he slid them both in together and felt Ryan go a little stiff, taking deep breaths and trying to keep his head.

Brendon reached down and started stroking Ryan’s cock through it, watching how Ryan shivered and arched. He tried to spread his fingers as best he could inside Ryan, hoped it would help, and leaned down to lick across the head of Ryan’s cock. The boy twitched and moaned, pleading under his breath as Brendon lapped at his cock messily. All Brendon could think of was how he looked so fucking incredible.

He moved up to kiss Ryan, feral and ungraceful. It was an ugly kiss with too much force and their mouths slipped a little, and it felt like the best one Brendon had ever had.

The third finger came without warning and Ryan accepted it with much more grace than Brendon had expected. Paced breathing and hands balled into fists seemed to help him. He didn’t cry out, though. He didn’t complain or show the sting, and the longer Brendon kept his fingers moving, the more Ryan seemed to relax into enjoying it.

But after a minute or two, he tentatively said, “Just two, please.”

Brendon pulled the third out quickly, and he noticed Ryan’s face change. Twitch and shift. Then Ryan was rolling with his fingers, moving with the tempo Brendon set. It was hard not to make sound just watching. Brendon had to bite back the noise rattling around his throat as he soaked it all in. The tiny little mew that Ryan made sent Brendon over the edge.

“I want to fuck you,” Brendon breathed out into the open. Ryan’s breath snagged in his throat and he clenched down on Brendon’s fingers. “Can I?”

Very sharply annunciated, like he was fighting for control of his verbal skills, Ryan hissed, “Yes.”

Brendon took his fingers out and wiped them half-heartedly on the floor as Ryan dragged him back to kiss him again, hands caging Brendon’s face and holding him there until Ryan was done. Sneaking around to tongue at Brendon’s earlobe and effectively turning Brendon into a panting pile of shivers, Ryan’s hand dashed down to Brendon’s pants and popped the button before Brendon realized what was going on. With the ease that came with experience, Ryan slipped his hands into Brendon’s pants, no underwear to fight with, and squeezed Brendon’s cock. Pre-come was already leaking out of the tip and it smeared a little on his hand before he gave a few good strokes. Brendon didn’t even try to hold back the groan resonating deep within his chest.

“Do you have a condom?” asked Ryan, voice rough and guttural.

Brendon felt his stomach drop. “…No.”

“Wait here,” Ryan said. He jumped to his feet and dashed back to the bunks. Brendon heard him rummaging around for a bit until he returned with a small foil packet, the most beautiful thing Brendon had ever seen.

“I’m not even going to ask,” Brendon mimicked. Ryan just smiled and handed it to Brendon. Instead of grabbing the condom, Brendon grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him down until their lips met again. Ryan knelt on the floor and kissed back.

He pulled open the condom himself and fitted his hand around Brendon’s cock, asking permission. Brendon whimpered a little and Ryan took it as a yes, please. Without hesitation, he rolled the condom down Brendon’s cock, sucking on Brendon’s bottom lip. It was Brendon who pulled back at last and smiled hazily, but Ryan who spoke first.

“How do we want to do this?” asked Ryan, trying to control his breathing.

“Um… hands and knees would probably be… easiest,” offered Brendon, not at all sure of what he was saying. It seemed logical that there would be less acrobatics involved this way, though.

Slowly and silently, Ryan turned his back and dropped himself up onto all fours, ass facing Brendon. He turned his head to look back over his shoulder and waited. Brendon scooted close and rested his hands on Ryan’s hips uneasily, mentally scrolling through the millions of things he could do to fuck this up. He tried not to think. After taking a deep breath, he lined up and pushed forward. His dick slipped and went down the line of Ryan’s ass. Embarrassed, he held tighter and tried again to direct it in. But like the first time, it slid off course.

“Goddamn it,” Brendon thought. He really wanted to scream or hurt something.

“Dude, if you’re trying to be a fucking tease or something…”

“I’m trying to get it in!”

“Oh my god,” Ryan said. He hung his head and growled low in exasperation. “This was your idea.”

“Hey, hey,” Brendon said hastily, “It slipped once or twice. Chill. We have no reason to rush.”

“Except that, Jesus, maybe I want this right fucking now,” Ryan hissed. Then his voice turned airy and he said, “Fuck, please. Now, Brendon.”

Brendon didn’t waste any more time. He held onto the base of his cock and pushed forward once more, and when he finally felt it slipping just a few inches into Ryan, holy shit, holy shit, he thought he might just die of a heart attack. It was a conscious effort not to come in that moment with Ryan so tight around him. He hated, hated, hated being a teenager sometimes. Ryan braced his arms and the muscles in his shoulders drew tight, but he stayed silent. Not even an exhale.

“Try to relax,” suggested Brendon, not sure if it was the right thing to say. He reached around and stroked Ryan’s cock slowly, hoping that it would help counter the pain. “Tell me when it’s ok.”

After a few moments like that, Ryan gruffly said, “Now.”

Taking it slow, Brendon gradually inched forward until he was completely inside, and his heart was ready to collapse from exhaustion. Not only that, he was pretty sure he was ruined for sex with anyone else for the rest of his life, because sex with Audrey had never felt as awesome as Ryan’s ass.

He curved his hands around Ryan’s middle and barely moved back and forth. Mostly, he just rotated his hips and tried to be gentle. After a few moment and Ryan moving around restlessly, he tried to thrust in a little, pulling back and making the strokes deep and purposeful.

He wanted to make this good. Good enough to happen again, ideally. So he had to focus. He rubbed circles with his thumbs into Ryan’s back like before and was glad to see Ryan loosening up again.

He tried to keep a clear head, he really did, but he could hardly be blamed when he started thrusting faster, harder, so good. The smack of skin against skin seemed to echo through the bus and Brendon just couldn’t, he couldn’t make himself slow down. He wanted to see Ryan surging with every one of his thrusts. He wanted to hear Ryan, loud and raw and open.

Ryan was choking on half-sobs of, “G-god, Bren-ahh.”

His mind lost the reigns and his hips smashed against Ryan’s ass so hard that Ryan tensed and his breathing crackled, like he was holding in a cry.

“Sorry, sorry,” Brendon mumbled against Ryan’s back. He slowed down; thrusting gently and shallowly, again, his body silently crying about having to slow down. His kissed down Ryan’s spine and rested his forehead in the middle of his back for a moment.

Ryan was slow to say, “D-don’t.”

“I’ll keep it slow for a bit, I promise.”

“No, no,” Ryan said tightly, like it was painful to speak. “Don’t stop. Do it. I want it.”

Brendon stopped for a moment, considering, then slammed back in and forced a broken cry out of Ryan.

“God, yes,” Ryan panted. “You don’t have to treat me like I’ll break.”

“Jesus Christ, Ryan,” Brendon breathed, awe-struck. That was probably the hottest thing anyone had ever said to him. The most liberating, as well.

“Aah! Fuck, I need it,” Ryan moaned, face pressed into the inside of his elbow.

“Stop talking or else all I’ll have left for you is my fingers.”

Ryan pushed back, insistent and needy. A little pathetically, he said, “Don’t you dare.”

“I’m trying not to! But, god, you have no idea how hard this is,” Brendon practically sobbed. Fuck, it was so good he could hardly hold himself together.

Between panting breaths, Ryan murmured, “Tell me before you come.”

Brendon grunted, hoping it sounded like agreement, and kept pounding hard, loving the sight of his pelvic bone hitting Ryan’s ass with each muffled slap in the near-darkness. He loved that he could see everything with his eyes now adjusted fully to the dark, like seeing it finally made it all real. This wasn’t a dream; it was fucking happening right before his eyes. He wasn’t imaging Ryan pushing back to meet each thrust. He wasn’t making up the stifled grunts and sighs coming from below him. It was all real.

His eyes rolled back into his head as the world started to dim and fade. He barely had the presence of mind to say something about it.

“Ryan,” gasped Brendon. “I’m about to-”

“Stop,” Ryan commanded, and he moved forward enough that Brendon slipped out. Brendon was pretty sure he was really about to burst into tears, but then Ryan turned over on his back and spread his legs.

Brendon stared at him, a little dazed. “What are you…?”

“I want to see you,” Ryan interrupted. His face was so sure in the dim light.

“What?”

“I want to see your face when you come.”

Brendon gulped and nodded. Yeah, he could do that.

Ryan looked down at his own legs and said, “This might be a little awkward.”

“I think we’ll manage,” Brendon said back surely. Then he sat back and looked around with embarrassment and said, “What… do we do?”

Ryan smiled shyly, Brendon matching it, then hooked his fingers behind each knee and pulled them back and apart, open and fucking beautiful. Brendon only took a moment to look before be was settling in close and lining up his cock. As he pushed in slowly, he watched each inch disappear into Ryan’s body. Ryan’s hand dove down to touch where their bodies came together, like he needed proof too that it was happening for real, and Brendon sighed. After a moment, he started moving again and Ryan groaned. When Brendon looked up at his face, the older boy’s eyes were scrunched closed and his mouth agape.

A little afraid, Brendon whispered, “Am I hurting you?”

“No,” was Ryan’s immediate reply. “It feels-Please don’t just stop.”

Still wary, Brendon pulled back slightly and pressed in without much depth. He kept his eyes transfixed on Ryan’s face like a traffic light, waiting for the green that meant it was ok, that he could let go of himself again. It came in the form of Ryan’s hands shooting out and jerking hard on Brendon’s hips, ramming them together. His fingernails left bright red crescents in Brendon’s skin that would remind him of this in the morning.

Without another moment, Brendon cocked his hips back and fucked Ryan into the scratchy carpet as hard as he could. Their skin collided with the most satisfying slap, his cock in Ryan’s ass, so tight, so perfect, fuck. His hair fell across his forehead in sweaty tendrils and his jaw dropped open, letting loose more moans that rumbled from the very pit of his stomach.

And Ryan. Ryan was watching him just as closely as he was watching Ryan, his eyebrows furrowed and his teeth worried into his bottom lip like he was trying not to scream. Brendon curved down and kissed him hard, adoring the way he whined and growled when their tongues met again. He liked how Ryan let his composure slip under Brendon’s lips, how he trusted Brendon enough to let it show sometimes.

He let up when his back started aching and went back to thrusting in hard and fast, bent over with his hands on either side of Ryan, who jarred with every stroke and moaned openly when Brendon would hit his prostate. They kept their eyes on each other, and Brendon tried to memorize every expression that flashed across Ryan’s face. He wanted to remember everything.

Things began to get cloudy as he started getting close again, the tingles spreading into his chest and legs. His eyes kept flickering closed and Ryan murmured his name, like he knew. He squeezed down on Brendon’s cock and said his name louder, clearer, and it was all Brendon could take before he was coming hard.

The room started spinning and he couldn’t figure out where the floor was, couldn’t find anything solid but the body in his arms. He thought he said Ryan’s name in the middle of a string of expletives, but he wasn’t sure. His voice was just working without his mind behind it, and he felt like he was being turned inside out.

When his control started coming back to him, he thought about saying it. It was right there behind his lips, ready to fly out if he would but open his mouth and let it go. As he looked down at Ryan, tensing under him, he wanted to say it so badly. But he couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. Maybe it was because he actually meant it and that scared him a little. Instead, he mashed his lips to Ryan and held them there until the aftershocks died down, until the danger was over and his limbs felt like a million pounds.

Head dangling between his shoulders, Brendon felt like falling over and never getting up again was the best idea in the world. But Ryan’s hand was working furiously between them, whimpering like he was going to die if he didn’t come that very second, and Brendon tried to break through his fog to fit his hand around Ryan’s on his cock and help. The sound that roared from Ryan’s throat was something Brendon wished he could have had on tape to replay over and over and over for the rest of his life. He groaned in pain, willing his cock to stay down. It was way too soon.

Ryan was a mess of panting and shaking when he finished coming, and Brendon chuckled a little unsteadily as he realized that he was too. He sat back on his heels to pull off the condom and dispose it in the garbage can by their feet. Fortunately, someone on the bus had invested in a box of tissues and Brendon grabbed a few to wipe off the pearls of come from his hand and Ryan’s. Crumpling them up and tossing them in with the condom, he fell forward onto Ryan’s chest and nuzzled his nose into his neck, smelling sweat and sex all over him.

“Don’t get a big head about this, but that’s probably the best sex I’ve ever had in my life,” Ryan fluttered.

A loud, heavy laugh jumped out of Brendon’s throat and he resisted the urge to say Better believe it. He kissed one of the hickeys blooming on Ryan’s neck and sighed as he felt arms draping over him and holding him close.

* * *

Brendon woke up alone on the couch again the next morning, and for a moment, he wondered how he ended up back on the couch. He assumed Ryan had gotten up and gone back to the room sometime during the night. The bus was cold and there was no one else on it, still, and thank God for that because he was still stark naked. It felt strange to be alone like this.

He glanced at the clock on the microwave, wondering what time zone they were in anyway so he could reset it, and noticed it was pretty early. Not even 8 AM yet, as far as the clock said. He guessed he’d fall back asleep soon because Brendon couldn’t function on only three hours of sleep. He didn’t bother to stretch or rub his eyes because all he wanted was to get back into a bed and sleep for another six hours. (Not that the others would let him. If he was lucky, he’d get maybe two more hours of sleep and then be kicked out of his own bunk while being accused of being a “lazy ass.”)

As he was stumbling back to the bunks, he heard buzzing coming from the tiny kitchenette counter. He looked over and noticed his sidekick (“Oh, hey, it actually was out here.”) sitting there, vibrating and flashing. Only half interested, he shuffled over to get it and read the new text message he’d just received. It was from Audrey.

Comin 2 see u soon. Cant wait! Love u!!

Shit.

* * *

They were playing a show in Chicago in three days and Brendon knew she was going to be there. He knew he was going to have to see Audrey again, and he wanted more than anything in the world to be able to avoid her. He wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye knowing that he’d cheated on her with Ryan.

Because, holy shit, he had cheated on her with Ryan.

“Is something wrong?” Ryan asked, lips still pressed to Brendon’s cheek.

“Nothing,” Brendon lied. The last thing he wanted was to kill the mood right then. He would tell Ryan she was coming eventually. Just some other time when they weren’t making out.

A bunk was small when one person was trying to fit inside. With two, it made you feel more than a little claustrophobic. For what felt like the first time, Brendon was glad he was such a small guy to be able to squish into Ryan’s bunk with Ryan lying on top of him, kissing lazily.

“You’re kind of,” Ryan said as his lips hovered over Brendon’s, “distracted.” A breath smelling a little stale with a hint of toothpaste ghosted over his lips. A moment later, Ryan leaned in and kissed him. Brendon let Ryan kiss him and didn’t answer at first.

“I don’t think well when I have someone on top of me,” Brendon joked with a crooked smile. He rubbed gentle circles into Ryan’s hipbones with his thumbs and watched Ryan relax a little.

“You know what I mean.” Ryan snuck his hands just under the edge of Brendon’s shirt, enjoying the feeling of hot skin under the pads of his fingers. Brendon waited in silence, trying to pluck up the courage to confess. Ryan just waited there, silent and unmoving, until Brendon couldn’t stand it anymore. The silence became maddening and he could feel that Ryan was still waiting for him to say something. Ryan always said so much with silence.

“She’s coming to the Chicago show,” Brendon said, not looking at Ryan. “Audrey, I mean.”

When Ryan suddenly tensed up like a coiled spring, Brendon knew that he should have chosen a better time to mention this, and not just because Ryan stopped kissing him. Ryan was stiff. As perfectly still and stiff as he would have been if a bear had been sniffing him up and down. Brendon couldn’t help but feel like a complete asshole.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. And she wants to hang out with us on the tour for a little while. Well, hang out with me,” Brendon amended. For some reason, Audrey had always been the tiniest bit catty about the other boys in the band. Brendon assumed she didn’t like competing for attention.

“Mm hm,” Ryan hummed. He nodded weakly, like he was trying to say he understood, but he just didn’t. He couldn’t wrap his mind around this idea. He couldn’t seem to figure out why he found this so impossible. It was almost like Audrey had become this imaginary monster they all only dreamed about. Now all of a sudden, the reality of it all struck him so hard that he started to feel dizzy.

Audrey, Brendon’s girlfriend, was coming to see them play and travel with them for a little while. He was going to sleep in the same bed with her instead of Ryan. He was going to touch her instead of Ryan. He was going to kiss her instead of Ryan. Ryan tamped down the flare of anger and jealousy with the reminder that, “She’s the one who deserves to be angry. I shouldn’t even have him at all.”

Brendon stared at him, waiting for more of a reaction than mumbles and grunts. Words. Speech would have been good. Facial expressions would have helped too, but Ryan just looked blank. Brendon wondered if he really shocked Ryan that much.

Without another word, Ryan swung one leg across Brendon and rolled out of the bunk, leaving Brendon staring up at the planks of wood supporting his own bunk above him. He could hear Ryan blaring Blink on his iPod in the back lounge, and he couldn’t stop thinking about how he was a complete asshole.

* * *

Part 4