Crackfic: Shopping
Title: Shopping
Author: lizstarsky
Rating: Most definitely PG-13.
Pairing: Golden Pair, slight implied Fujicest (but I will deny it)
Summary: Oishi has the severe misfortune to run into Fuji at a rather inopportune time... (Crack. Written in response to a fic challenge by kooriyoukai.)
Cross-posted to my journal.
Notes: *sigh* Wasn't going to post this utter crack, but was sadly peer-pressured into doing so. Thus, any complaints may be directed to kooriyoukai and uchihaaddiction (and possibly analineblue; can't remember. ^_~) Also, I swear I'm working on something NOT-crack at this very moment, and hope to have it ready to post before too long. Yosh! Enough outta me. Onto the fic!
Shopping
His first two passes by the shelf, Oishi didn't so much as glance at the rows of prophylactics and sexual aids. He walked by the display with slow, forcefully casual steps, his eyes scanning the opposite shelves, and then turned down the office supplies aisle without so much as backward glance.
On his third pass, he risked a casual glance at the shelf in question before hurrying off towards the sanctuary of pens and notebooks, and on his fourth, he made a show of spotting that his right shoelace was untied--aided by the extremely convincing dialogue of, "Ah, look, my shoelace is untied!"--and then gave the rows of condom boxes a quick scan while his fingers fumbled with the laces.
On his fifth pass, Fuji had finally had enough.
"Oishi," he greeted, stepping out from the cold medicine aisle with a pleasant smile.
Oishi jumped, his shoulders stiffening and the box of highlighters he'd been carrying tumbling from his fingers. He stared at the dropped package stupidly for a moment, then finally turned around to face Fuji. His cheeks had already flushed to a vivid pink.
"F-Fuji," he stammered, and through a great exercise of will, Fuji resisted the urge to smirk. "W-What are you..."
Fuji hefted his shopping basket, packed with cans of chicken noodle soup, three types of cold medicine (non-drowsy, nighttime, and a chewable kind that was supposed to taste like Yuuta's favorite, grape), cough syrup, cough drops, and a small container of Vick's Vaporub.
Oishi's embarrassment faded to concern. "Is someone sick?"
Fuji nodded. "Aa, Yuuta. He's home from St. Rudolph's for the holiday, and he's come down with a bad cold. He isn't terribly anxious to be taken care of, but I don't intend on giving him much choice."
Oishi took a half-step back from him. "Sou...ka."
Fuji's smile grew a bit wider. "So what brings you here, Oishi? Running some errands for Eiji?"
Oishi choked and dropped the highlighters he'd just retrieved from the floor. "Iya, I'm just-- That is..."
"He mentioned the two of you would be spending the day together today. I suppose he forgot to buy enough snacks again?"
He told himself that he really should feel guilty, playing with Oishi like this, but even his conscience was far too amused by the pathetic look of relief that crossed Oishi's face to feel much remorse.
"Aa, that's it," Oishi laughed, a touch too heartily. "Snacks."
Fuji let Oishi relax for a moment longer, then let his smile shift into something only a handful of his tennis opponents would recognize. "Saa, then what brings you over here? The snacks are on the other side of the store."
Oishi stared at him for a few seconds in horror before managing another wide, forced smile. "Aaaaaahhh, really?" Then he spotted the package still gripped in his hand--so tightly that the plastic was crinkling, Fuji noted--and held it aloft like a torch. "Highlighters!" he blurted.
Fuji lifted an eyebrow.
"That is I...I had to...I needed some highlighters, so I...that's why I'm on this side of the store. For...highlighters."
"Aa, sou ka," said Fuji, smiling.
Oishi nodded, grinning back weakly, and the two of them stood in silence for a few seconds. Finally, Oishi breathed a soft sigh.
"Well. I...I guess I'd better go buy those snacks."
With a dejected slump of his shoulders, he started off in the opposite direction.
"Ne, Oishi..."
The other boy paused to glance back at him--and blinked in surprise as two small boxes were tossed into his hands.
Fuji smiled. "Don't forget these."
Oishi glanced down at the boxes, his eyes going comically wide.
"That kind tastes like strawberry, so Eiji should like it...and oh, I'm not sure what size you are, Oishi, but from what I've seen in the showers, I'd imagine those will do the trick."
Oishi's mouth was open and sounds were coming out, but Fuji had yet to hear anything resembling speech. With a placid smile, he readjusted his grip on the basket and gave Oishi a slight, respectful nod of farewell. "Well, I should be going. Yuuta will be wondering where I've vanished to. Have a good evening, Oishi..."
Oishi squeaked out something that might have been a goodbye, and Fuji turned to leave--but at the last moment, he paused and turned back.
"Saa..." After a moment of consideration, he plucked a box from the shelf and dropped it into the basket. "Grape-flavored," he explained to Oishi, and then he smiled and headed in the direction of the cash register, leaving Oishi standing there still gaping and sputtering, his fingers loose around the boxes of condoms and lube.
It was a shame, Fuji thought as the cashier cheerfully rang up his purchases, that he couldn't take advantage of the prime photo opportunities this evening was sure to bring at the Oishi household. But doing so would mean leaving Yuuta's side, and what kind of aniki would he be to leave his younger brother alone in this time of great need, when he was tired and sick and his inhibitions were conveniently lowered?
"Excuse me," he said politely as the woman rang up the box of condoms. "Do you know if they make those in wasabi flavor?"
*****
japanese glossary:
sou ka - I see
aa - yes
ne - hey...
iya - no
saa - (literally means "come now..." but in this context is more like "well...")
aniki - older brother
Author: lizstarsky
Rating: Most definitely PG-13.
Pairing: Golden Pair, slight implied Fujicest (but I will deny it)
Summary: Oishi has the severe misfortune to run into Fuji at a rather inopportune time... (Crack. Written in response to a fic challenge by kooriyoukai.)
Cross-posted to my journal.
Notes: *sigh* Wasn't going to post this utter crack, but was sadly peer-pressured into doing so. Thus, any complaints may be directed to kooriyoukai and uchihaaddiction (and possibly analineblue; can't remember. ^_~) Also, I swear I'm working on something NOT-crack at this very moment, and hope to have it ready to post before too long. Yosh! Enough outta me. Onto the fic!
Shopping
His first two passes by the shelf, Oishi didn't so much as glance at the rows of prophylactics and sexual aids. He walked by the display with slow, forcefully casual steps, his eyes scanning the opposite shelves, and then turned down the office supplies aisle without so much as backward glance.
On his third pass, he risked a casual glance at the shelf in question before hurrying off towards the sanctuary of pens and notebooks, and on his fourth, he made a show of spotting that his right shoelace was untied--aided by the extremely convincing dialogue of, "Ah, look, my shoelace is untied!"--and then gave the rows of condom boxes a quick scan while his fingers fumbled with the laces.
On his fifth pass, Fuji had finally had enough.
"Oishi," he greeted, stepping out from the cold medicine aisle with a pleasant smile.
Oishi jumped, his shoulders stiffening and the box of highlighters he'd been carrying tumbling from his fingers. He stared at the dropped package stupidly for a moment, then finally turned around to face Fuji. His cheeks had already flushed to a vivid pink.
"F-Fuji," he stammered, and through a great exercise of will, Fuji resisted the urge to smirk. "W-What are you..."
Fuji hefted his shopping basket, packed with cans of chicken noodle soup, three types of cold medicine (non-drowsy, nighttime, and a chewable kind that was supposed to taste like Yuuta's favorite, grape), cough syrup, cough drops, and a small container of Vick's Vaporub.
Oishi's embarrassment faded to concern. "Is someone sick?"
Fuji nodded. "Aa, Yuuta. He's home from St. Rudolph's for the holiday, and he's come down with a bad cold. He isn't terribly anxious to be taken care of, but I don't intend on giving him much choice."
Oishi took a half-step back from him. "Sou...ka."
Fuji's smile grew a bit wider. "So what brings you here, Oishi? Running some errands for Eiji?"
Oishi choked and dropped the highlighters he'd just retrieved from the floor. "Iya, I'm just-- That is..."
"He mentioned the two of you would be spending the day together today. I suppose he forgot to buy enough snacks again?"
He told himself that he really should feel guilty, playing with Oishi like this, but even his conscience was far too amused by the pathetic look of relief that crossed Oishi's face to feel much remorse.
"Aa, that's it," Oishi laughed, a touch too heartily. "Snacks."
Fuji let Oishi relax for a moment longer, then let his smile shift into something only a handful of his tennis opponents would recognize. "Saa, then what brings you over here? The snacks are on the other side of the store."
Oishi stared at him for a few seconds in horror before managing another wide, forced smile. "Aaaaaahhh, really?" Then he spotted the package still gripped in his hand--so tightly that the plastic was crinkling, Fuji noted--and held it aloft like a torch. "Highlighters!" he blurted.
Fuji lifted an eyebrow.
"That is I...I had to...I needed some highlighters, so I...that's why I'm on this side of the store. For...highlighters."
"Aa, sou ka," said Fuji, smiling.
Oishi nodded, grinning back weakly, and the two of them stood in silence for a few seconds. Finally, Oishi breathed a soft sigh.
"Well. I...I guess I'd better go buy those snacks."
With a dejected slump of his shoulders, he started off in the opposite direction.
"Ne, Oishi..."
The other boy paused to glance back at him--and blinked in surprise as two small boxes were tossed into his hands.
Fuji smiled. "Don't forget these."
Oishi glanced down at the boxes, his eyes going comically wide.
"That kind tastes like strawberry, so Eiji should like it...and oh, I'm not sure what size you are, Oishi, but from what I've seen in the showers, I'd imagine those will do the trick."
Oishi's mouth was open and sounds were coming out, but Fuji had yet to hear anything resembling speech. With a placid smile, he readjusted his grip on the basket and gave Oishi a slight, respectful nod of farewell. "Well, I should be going. Yuuta will be wondering where I've vanished to. Have a good evening, Oishi..."
Oishi squeaked out something that might have been a goodbye, and Fuji turned to leave--but at the last moment, he paused and turned back.
"Saa..." After a moment of consideration, he plucked a box from the shelf and dropped it into the basket. "Grape-flavored," he explained to Oishi, and then he smiled and headed in the direction of the cash register, leaving Oishi standing there still gaping and sputtering, his fingers loose around the boxes of condoms and lube.
It was a shame, Fuji thought as the cashier cheerfully rang up his purchases, that he couldn't take advantage of the prime photo opportunities this evening was sure to bring at the Oishi household. But doing so would mean leaving Yuuta's side, and what kind of aniki would he be to leave his younger brother alone in this time of great need, when he was tired and sick and his inhibitions were conveniently lowered?
"Excuse me," he said politely as the woman rang up the box of condoms. "Do you know if they make those in wasabi flavor?"
*****
japanese glossary:
sou ka - I see
aa - yes
ne - hey...
iya - no
saa - (literally means "come now..." but in this context is more like "well...")
aniki - older brother