sooooo about that whole court of gilded birds thing
I am still trying on the whole 'rewrite and finish!' front. And now I have like half the new first chapter done! So I am going to ask that you read it, and then tell me just how over-the-top the writing is, so I can correct before I get too invested in FLOWERINESS. Again.
( FLORIIIIIIIIIID )
( FLORIIIIIIIIIID )
Comments 28
It was glorious summer in the palace, though spring damp lingered on its outer walls; and the only thing decaying behind its flower-decked gates was a king. His slow death did not much mar the beauty of the heat: it marked only the feverish, undignified end of a feverish, undignified reign. Still the courtiers were resigned to waiting it out in mostly respectful silence, having, as they did, all the grace of the well-bred. (The queen had exiled two ladies in waiting for inappropriate gaiety.) They amused themselves with quieter pursuits: noonday catnaps, mediocre poetry, and cool sherbets imported from the northlands.
* overall seemed a little jerky, not sure why.
* Is heat beautiful?
* ‘mar/marked’ doesn’t quite work (I think).
* the feverish, undignified end of a feverish, undignified reign - nice, I like that.
* Still[,] the courtiers were resigned... the grace of the well-bred - hrm, not entirely sure about that sentence somehow; breaking up the clauses ( ... )
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And sherbets are ice cream, basically? Sort of. Whatever, close enough. And the northlands ARE COLD. Hahaha that actually makes no sense at all, not even a little, but uh. So. I'll just be thinking about that one. Hmmm.
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Sherberts are ice cream? *is enlightened* I always had this vague impression they were a sort of fizzy drink, but there: my vague impressions are rarely right.
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Beautiful, beautiful ice cream: http://www.feedhimtothepigs.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/sherbet.jpg
And I know what you mean, I used to think 'limpid' was synonymous with 'languid'. *sigh*
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* All but one, that is, - I always hesitate over is/was in this sort of context; I normally go with was, but I guess that’s mostly a matter of preference. Is although he was a member of the court really necessary? - it strikes me as a little forced. (Especially since 'a member of the court' is pretty much the defining characteristic of 'a courtier', and never mind all the usual rhetoric about flighty courtiers vs Real Manly Men/whathaveyou.)
* storey, not story
* He kept bare quarters on the highest story of the east wing that no courtier would have dreamed of living in, - I find this awkward, although that may just be me; how about something like He kept bare ( ... )
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Story is the AMERICAN spelling. *sulks*
And I am using your version. Kept? I could replace it with had, I wasn't thinking when i used it.
Also yayyy.
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Sorry. I do tend to do that myself.
Story is the AMERICAN spelling. *sulks*
I am learning all sorts of new things this evening!
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...
"There is no other way to make them. Every detail matters; get too many wrong and they'd fall apart like the real thing even as they act like the real thing," Kymnir said, which was almost true, or rather, was wishful thinking of a useful kind. It was a pity Altic didn't gossip enough to spread it about. The more of his competition misdirected into imagining that his delicate machinery was the key to his success, the better. If he would have preferred to think that himself-- well. Every creator has their small regrets.
* his friend Altic said[,] on that sweet summer's day
* in a graceful curve[,] and he ran his thumb
* One wing splayed... from skin. - nice, I like that!
* He dipped his spoon into the glass of sherbet at his elbow and licked fruit-stained ice off its rim. - I like ( ... )
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And I think I will take the second revision suggested, it works nicely (and is more alliterative! :D!)
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*approves of alliterative uptake!*
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...
Kymnir grinned. "Your mother wouldn't be pleased to hear you so casual about your house's new heir."
* general: lovely dialogue, pleasant balance of friendly mockery going on, sets the scene neatly re: Altic's domestic setup. Slight touch of formality in this tendency to go with ‘it is’ rather than ‘it’s’ etc., is that deliberate?
* He took his fingers off at last and smoothed down the crooked barbs of misplaced plumage as best he could. - I think you could probably stand to make that ‘Kymnir took...’; otherwise, nice line.
* feeling the way the fine bones of the wing shifted, rolled slightly in their sockets when he pressed - nice, very nice.
* humoral balance - not sure I’m entirely convinced by ‘humoral’, unless you have examples of it being used in the wild?
* There were dark purple marks under his [own][- is this necessary? who else’s eyes might they be?] eyes: rare in this weather, which made spoiled young ( ... )
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* Yesss, more names in general, ambiguity: overrated.
* Ahem: http://ocp.hul.harvard.edu/contagion/humoraltheory.html
* Ick, that sentence used to be much nicer; I will go and clean up.
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Hmph. I still think it's a rather ugly word and would probably unfold it into 'the balance of humours', or some such. But there, personal preference at work.
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...
And this time Kymnir couldn't read the look on his face. He shook his head, turned back to his work, and fanned the tail feathers out by force, stretched both wings out at once, and fixed the specimen thus and so with clasps designed for the purpose.
* CONTINUES TO LIKE THE DIALOGUE*
* Sendre[,] I mean
* letting the gaping wound in the conversation pass. - I think you might be pushing it a bit there.
* Kymnir placed a miniature ruler along the diagonal of the wing, marked down the length, and became aware that his friend was staring at him, long-stemmed spoon halfway to parted lips. - nice piece of stage direction, I like this glimpse of the Artisan At Work.
* his technical liege - hrm, slightly confusing, it took me another few lines to realise that this referred to the dying king rather than the young prince. But maybe I’m slow.
* a face like an axe[,] and the discomfort
* He pinched ... if he did it right. - ( ... )
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I think I use the word technical too much. It is so useful! And uh. MAYBE FRESCO. INSTEAD OF MOSAIC. OR SOMETHING.
Noooo, keep plucking out the bird/craftsman bits, it makes me feel better about myself. :'D
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Yesssss, let GGK keep his shinybeautiful mosaics and go with something painted. The ancients were perfectly competent painters, it's just that paintings don't survive so well, so you have to go to catastrophically preserved places like Pompeii -- ANYWAY.
Duly noted, I'll do that next time. :'D And I am now beyond the point of thinking, if not actually up to the point of being asleep, so that's as much SRS STUFFS as you're getting from me this evening.
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All right, well, you have Done Good. Any chance of Overall Impressions so far?
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