Happy Holidays waxbean
Title: Consider the Dodo
Author/Artist: argyleheir
Summary: Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
Rating: G
Author’s Notes: For Waxbean, who requested letters from the frontlines. Merry Christmas!
And to our surprise, the fossilized Serpent was found lodged in a great bank of limestone, sixty feet by ten, with eye sockets as large as dinner plates, and several rows of needle-like teeth which go round the double-hinged jaw. It is believed to have weighed fifty long tonnes or more … with a massive tail which propelled it through icy coastal waters, all the while gobbling up smaller beasts with the fecundity of a garden snake. The texture of the surrounding rock suggests it was laid to rest many thousands of years ago … If this is not an indication of the unexplored wonders of the Natural World, and the philosophies within to which Man must expand, I shall have my hat for tea. Would it were certain members of Parliament had the opportunity to study the Creature in greater detail…
J. Samuel Crackenthorpe, Fourth Baron Denham
From the Hampstead Minion, 11 July 1781
***
To the Editor:
If only I had known the depths to which you were willing to dredge in order to fill your paper, printing every scrap of pulp which crosses your desk, I would have cancelled my subscription months ago. The fossilized skeleton is clearly no longer than forty-five feet, a far cry from the purported sixty. Surely an animal so large would collapse beneath the weight of its self-importance.
Once again let it be stressed that humankind will reap no benefit from the imaginings of several overzealous naturalists who, if left unchecked, would next deny us the very concept of ineffability.
Rgds,
Mr. A. Fell, Soho
From the Hampstead Minion, 13 July 1781
***
Re: Overzealous Naturalists
Who among us would prefer these learned men to be without employment?
A. J. Crowley, Mayfair
From the Hampstead Minion, 16 July 1781
***
Re: Re: Overzealous Naturalists
I only suggest that they focus their attentions on less transient pursuits.
It is the solid which must be sought. Consider the dodo, that most intrepid of birds, here and then gone within a single lifetime.
Rgds,
Mr. A. Fell, Soho
From the Hampstead Minion, 17 July 1781
***
Re: Re: Re: Overzealous Naturalists
But delicious with cracked pepper and hollandaise sauce.
A. J. Crowley, Mayfair
From the Hampstead Minion, 19 July 1781
***
From the Hampstead Minion, 28 July 1781
…scientists confirmed the Serpent's length as being over sixty feet, making it the largest fossil of its kind found to date…
***
To the Editor:
If you insist on printing nothing but stories relating to ancient reptiles, I will at last be forced to cancel my subscription. Once a week may be called unbearable; every day is nothing short of duplicitous.
Rgds,
Mr. A. Fell, Soho
From the Hampstead Minion, 29 July 1781
***
From the London Times, 11 August 1781
MINION BURNS!
…Scores of onlookers stood by as city workers attempted to squelch the blaze. Miraculously, all neighboring structures remained undamaged, but the MINION BUILDING, which housed a café, a reading room, and a colloquial press office, was unsalvageable.
"I'm ruined," said Milton Browning, MINION Editor in Chief and purveyor of all things prehistoric.
The MINION had a daily circulation of thirty-five. It is as of yet unclear whether publication will resume at an alternate location…
***
From the notes of Doctor Emanuel Wolsteader:
…Among the fossils uncovered on the MINION SITE was a bird-like specimen with a wingspan of seventy feet or more, each crowned by gross talons, and similarly upon each foreleg … [and] jaws lined in myriad teeth with which it ostensibly supped local fauna…
January 1782
-----------
-----------
London
1 September 1785
Crowley,
Please tell me you're joking.
A.
***
London
1 September 1785 (later)
I never joke about my work, Aziraphale.
Just think of it as the critical exertions of a humble yeoman. It takes a lot out of one to operate the landscape to its fullest capacity. (Of course, when that building went down, I couldn't let my investment go down with it.)
Crowley
***
London
1 September 1785 (later still)
Crowley,
What would you say to a yeoman's supper?
And you do realize the MINION was one of ours.
A.
***
2 September 1785
I suppose I ought to thank you for breakfast as well - a pity collaboration's not always so easy on the stomach.
Crowley
***
From the London Times, 1 October 1785
EDITOR CROWNED
Hampstead editor Milton Browning was named ENTREPRENEUR OF THE YEAR at a ceremony Saturday. Contest spokesman William Smith cited Browning's farsightedness and dedication to the advancement of the Natural Sciences as instrumental in their decision.
"I never doubted my capabilities for a moment," Browning said.
When asked what he plans to do with the significant cash endowment he received following the announcement, Browning made it clear that he planned to rebuild the MINION BUILDING, which fell prey to a deadly blaze several years ago.
Browning joins John Beaver, inventor of the automated cheese grater, and Septimus Smallet, best known as the author of the widely popular Drumlin Riddle Books, as a recipient of the bi-annual award. Neither Beaver nor Smallet were available for comment…
***
2 October 1785
You'd think He'd have had enough of this by now. I mean, really? Dinosaurs? Rather a lot of guff for something that never existed.
The whole thing's daft.
Crowley
***
3 October 1785
Crowley,
That's ineffability.
And don't forget: you've a moral duty to perform. It just takes imagination
A.
-----------
To the Editor:
Sir,
I lead a chorus of alarmed citizens in speaking out against the misuse of technology at the American air base: a mutant alligator has been loose in my yard these last three days, trouncing through my tulip beds, and defiling the sanctity of my yard. Upon sight, I risked life and limb to photograph the beast, only to have my camera confiscated by the ruffians - presumably a pack of renegade zoologists - following after.
It is my deduction that the Americans are breeding an army such as has only been seen in a certain brand of ethically dubious Japanese film. An army of mutant alligators.
While it is well and good to consider alternative methods of public defense, I simply cannot condone wanton perversion of the natural order. This is clearly the wrong climate for animals of that size, and no amount of wool or wellies will change that fact. Simply imagine the amount of mince it takes to fill their gaping jaws! Speaking on behalf of taxpayers worldwide, I must reiterate that this sort of overindulgence will not be tolerated. Why, if that is not cause enough to incite uproar, I cannot fathom what is.
Let it be known that the people of Tadfield will not stand down: the alligators must go.
R. P. Tyler, Lower Tadfield
From the Tadfield Advertiser, 23 April 1992
-----------
Enjoy, waxbean, from your Secret Author/Artist!
Author/Artist: argyleheir
Summary: Reality leaves a lot to the imagination.
Rating: G
Author’s Notes: For Waxbean, who requested letters from the frontlines. Merry Christmas!
And to our surprise, the fossilized Serpent was found lodged in a great bank of limestone, sixty feet by ten, with eye sockets as large as dinner plates, and several rows of needle-like teeth which go round the double-hinged jaw. It is believed to have weighed fifty long tonnes or more … with a massive tail which propelled it through icy coastal waters, all the while gobbling up smaller beasts with the fecundity of a garden snake. The texture of the surrounding rock suggests it was laid to rest many thousands of years ago … If this is not an indication of the unexplored wonders of the Natural World, and the philosophies within to which Man must expand, I shall have my hat for tea. Would it were certain members of Parliament had the opportunity to study the Creature in greater detail…
J. Samuel Crackenthorpe, Fourth Baron Denham
From the Hampstead Minion, 11 July 1781
***
To the Editor:
If only I had known the depths to which you were willing to dredge in order to fill your paper, printing every scrap of pulp which crosses your desk, I would have cancelled my subscription months ago. The fossilized skeleton is clearly no longer than forty-five feet, a far cry from the purported sixty. Surely an animal so large would collapse beneath the weight of its self-importance.
Once again let it be stressed that humankind will reap no benefit from the imaginings of several overzealous naturalists who, if left unchecked, would next deny us the very concept of ineffability.
Rgds,
Mr. A. Fell, Soho
From the Hampstead Minion, 13 July 1781
***
Re: Overzealous Naturalists
Who among us would prefer these learned men to be without employment?
A. J. Crowley, Mayfair
From the Hampstead Minion, 16 July 1781
***
Re: Re: Overzealous Naturalists
I only suggest that they focus their attentions on less transient pursuits.
It is the solid which must be sought. Consider the dodo, that most intrepid of birds, here and then gone within a single lifetime.
Rgds,
Mr. A. Fell, Soho
From the Hampstead Minion, 17 July 1781
***
Re: Re: Re: Overzealous Naturalists
But delicious with cracked pepper and hollandaise sauce.
A. J. Crowley, Mayfair
From the Hampstead Minion, 19 July 1781
***
From the Hampstead Minion, 28 July 1781
…scientists confirmed the Serpent's length as being over sixty feet, making it the largest fossil of its kind found to date…
***
To the Editor:
If you insist on printing nothing but stories relating to ancient reptiles, I will at last be forced to cancel my subscription. Once a week may be called unbearable; every day is nothing short of duplicitous.
Rgds,
Mr. A. Fell, Soho
From the Hampstead Minion, 29 July 1781
***
From the London Times, 11 August 1781
MINION BURNS!
…Scores of onlookers stood by as city workers attempted to squelch the blaze. Miraculously, all neighboring structures remained undamaged, but the MINION BUILDING, which housed a café, a reading room, and a colloquial press office, was unsalvageable.
"I'm ruined," said Milton Browning, MINION Editor in Chief and purveyor of all things prehistoric.
The MINION had a daily circulation of thirty-five. It is as of yet unclear whether publication will resume at an alternate location…
***
From the notes of Doctor Emanuel Wolsteader:
…Among the fossils uncovered on the MINION SITE was a bird-like specimen with a wingspan of seventy feet or more, each crowned by gross talons, and similarly upon each foreleg … [and] jaws lined in myriad teeth with which it ostensibly supped local fauna…
January 1782
-----------
-----------
London
1 September 1785
Crowley,
Please tell me you're joking.
A.
***
London
1 September 1785 (later)
I never joke about my work, Aziraphale.
Just think of it as the critical exertions of a humble yeoman. It takes a lot out of one to operate the landscape to its fullest capacity. (Of course, when that building went down, I couldn't let my investment go down with it.)
Crowley
***
London
1 September 1785 (later still)
Crowley,
What would you say to a yeoman's supper?
And you do realize the MINION was one of ours.
A.
***
2 September 1785
I suppose I ought to thank you for breakfast as well - a pity collaboration's not always so easy on the stomach.
Crowley
***
From the London Times, 1 October 1785
EDITOR CROWNED
Hampstead editor Milton Browning was named ENTREPRENEUR OF THE YEAR at a ceremony Saturday. Contest spokesman William Smith cited Browning's farsightedness and dedication to the advancement of the Natural Sciences as instrumental in their decision.
"I never doubted my capabilities for a moment," Browning said.
When asked what he plans to do with the significant cash endowment he received following the announcement, Browning made it clear that he planned to rebuild the MINION BUILDING, which fell prey to a deadly blaze several years ago.
Browning joins John Beaver, inventor of the automated cheese grater, and Septimus Smallet, best known as the author of the widely popular Drumlin Riddle Books, as a recipient of the bi-annual award. Neither Beaver nor Smallet were available for comment…
***
2 October 1785
You'd think He'd have had enough of this by now. I mean, really? Dinosaurs? Rather a lot of guff for something that never existed.
The whole thing's daft.
Crowley
***
3 October 1785
Crowley,
That's ineffability.
And don't forget: you've a moral duty to perform. It just takes imagination
A.
-----------
To the Editor:
Sir,
I lead a chorus of alarmed citizens in speaking out against the misuse of technology at the American air base: a mutant alligator has been loose in my yard these last three days, trouncing through my tulip beds, and defiling the sanctity of my yard. Upon sight, I risked life and limb to photograph the beast, only to have my camera confiscated by the ruffians - presumably a pack of renegade zoologists - following after.
It is my deduction that the Americans are breeding an army such as has only been seen in a certain brand of ethically dubious Japanese film. An army of mutant alligators.
While it is well and good to consider alternative methods of public defense, I simply cannot condone wanton perversion of the natural order. This is clearly the wrong climate for animals of that size, and no amount of wool or wellies will change that fact. Simply imagine the amount of mince it takes to fill their gaping jaws! Speaking on behalf of taxpayers worldwide, I must reiterate that this sort of overindulgence will not be tolerated. Why, if that is not cause enough to incite uproar, I cannot fathom what is.
Let it be known that the people of Tadfield will not stand down: the alligators must go.
R. P. Tyler, Lower Tadfield
From the Tadfield Advertiser, 23 April 1992
-----------
Enjoy, waxbean, from your Secret Author/Artist!