EXTRA!!-- and now, the katniss essay. (yes, there is a katniss essay).
first post of 2012! whoo!
texas was great. about half too hot, and half too cold. LMAO. xD still, i had a great time. in the meantime, i took a bit of time off ricochet to put this (not so) little ditty together, since i'd been putting it off for a while.
but now that this is finally posted, i'll get back to the fic soon enough. i've got about one scene from chapter 7 ready, but i'm still working out some of the planning for subsequent chapters, so i haven't finished it yet. still, i don't anticipate it taking more than a few days. once i finish chapter 7, i'll post chapter 1 on ff.net. ^_^
anyway, the essay. a few months ago, deserving peeta @ ff.net left me a lovely review on my fic routines, which led us to a discussion about katniss, particularly her attitude toward peeta in mockingjay. having read my peeta essay, DP suggested i post the points i touched upon as a second essay, and maybe it would help other people understand mockingjay!katniss a little better (and appreciate her more). warning: it WILL be long. as, y'know, everything i write is. -_-;;;
the basic question is why did katniss treat peeta so badly in MJ. it's obvious when he tries to strangle her that he's just not himself anymore, yet she seems to hold a grudge. even when he begins to apparently recover from the hijacking, she avoids him, and when he's first sent alongside the star squad, she says she would have no problem killing him. at the end of the book we're supposed to believe she really does love him, so what's up with this behavior?
well, the main thing about katniss is that she's scared of being hurt emotionally (probably because of her father's death and how her mother reacted to it). she's scared of... feelings, in general. so she tends to rationalize feelings she can't understand or is uncomfortable with, in order to transform them, in her head, into something she can handle. so whenever we want to understand her, there are two things we have to look at: what she tells us she's feeling-- which is her rationalization-- and then look behind that to what she's REALLY feeling, but isn't saying.
when peeta was captured, she was a mess of feelings. more than just the guilt, that was about the time, i think, it really hit her how much she really cared about him-- she'd admitted that she needed him, that she'd be "damaged beyond repair" if he died-- and that scared the CRAP out of her. she didn't know what to do with those feelings that are unfamiliar and that she couldn't afford to have anyway. put that together with the guilt, and the way she rationalizes it is "this is all my fault. this is all because they want to hurt me. peeta wouldn't have gone through this if he had never loved me. he's better off without me."
there's also the way she sees herself. she's conscious of the things she's good at, namely archery and hunting and thinking on the spot, but as far as personality, she seems to see only her negatives: she's cold, selfish and even a coward. she has a hard time imagining why ANYONE would love her, let alone someone like peeta, who she kind of puts in a pedestal-- a paragon of goodness, if you will, darting back to that day he gave her the bread. she keeps telling herself she doesn't deserve his love... haymitch tells her as much. and i actually think there's some truth to it, if i'm honest.
so when peeta seems to hate her, she tells herself he's seeing her "for who she really is." she actually mentions this outright a couple times. he's no longer influenced by his feelings for her, so he won't actively try to be a part of her life (remember even after it was clear their "relationship" was just pretend, he still tried to be her friend, at least). now that he doesn't love her anymore, she can simply stay away from him, like she should've from the beginning, and he'll finally have a chance at a life, without her being around to mess it up for him.
she's basically pushing him away "for his own good." but that's just the rationalization. deep down, i think what she was REALLY feeling was:
1) guilt. when you feel someone's suffering because of you, it's not something you can face. seeing peeta or being near him would remind her that he was tortured and hurt because of HER. and she couldn't handle that. katniss IS brave when push comes to shove, but she's not immune to running for the hills (or the laundry room) when things get rough. and this WAS pretty rough, it would be for just about anyone in this situation. i don't think i would've been able to even look at him if it were me.
2) hurt that he doesn't love her anymore. it sounds kind of iffy on paper, but peeta's love was something she'd come to depend on, something she took comfort in. and losing that suddenly left her feeling unbalanced, like when you're sitting on a chair and someone suddenly pulls out one of the chair's legs and you tumble to the ground. losing that hurt-- she never says as much AFAIR, but it probably hurt her more than she was willing to admit. and katniss is so afraid of being hurt, she'd rather push you away before you even have the chance to hurt her. and that's exactly what she did: push him away, pretend his indifference/hate didn't really hurt her, so she could plant her feet on the ground again, gain some stability back. survive the loss.
3) unwillingness to see him so changed. through everything, peeta had been able to keep being himself-- nice, gentle, supportive, strong. the idea of him being anything else was unthinkable for her. and the person she found when he was rescued was damaged, resentful, angry and negative. "you don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope"? he wasn't that person anymore. he wasn't her peeta anymore. and it was such a disconnect, that it was practically impossible for her to be around that, knowing that her peeta was gone forever.
she starts getting better about it eventually, especially when he's made a part of the star squad and she HAS to be in his presence. she's still convinced he's better off without her, but by the time the whole "real or not real" thing starts, she's at least willing to help. and there are those moments when she can't hold back her real feelings-- almost crying when she remembers details of who he used to be, kissing him to stop one of his episodes and asking him not to let them "take him from her." i don't think she could've killed him, even if she said she would. or if it was in that "i'd rather kill him rather than let the capitol have him" way, she probably would've killed herself right after. i don't think she could've lived with that guilt again.
so basically, she reacted the way she did, not because she was scared of him or hated him for trying to strangle her, but because she felt so strongly about him, she had to push him away in order not to be overwhelmed by those feelings. it's definitely not the most... healthy way to deal with things, but when it came to feelings, katniss WAS a mess, even before that. her father's death and her mother's depression and basically being forced to take care of her entire family at such a young age really did a number on her. it was the only way she knew how to react.
and then the point comes up: peeta was starting to progress positively. it was obvious that the old peeta could still be recovered with some help... but she was still pushing him away by that point. haymitch actually had to lay the guilt on heavily for her to start acting barely civil toward him. why is that? could she not see that he was getting better? everybody else did: finnick, haymitch, even the soldiers from thirteen. well, i think that's one of those things that are obvious to US as readers, because we love those characters and have been rooting for a happy ending since the beginning. but it may not be necessarily congruent with the characters' personalities or their frame of mind at that point.
most of the soldiers, and indeed most of the people in thirteen, more than anything needed a reason to go through with this war. that was the entire point of katniss being the mockingjay, and peeta was not far behind her as a symbol of the rebellion, especially since snow himself went all out to make him a victim. therefore, they'll hold onto the idea of peeta-- old!peeta, one of the two who took the nightlock berries and used them as a twist in the games and not only survived but also humiliated the capitol in the process-- surviving through this and not losing himself in the process. they'll hold onto that like a lifeline. for the soldiers, peeta getting better is a symbol that maybe they can beat this. maybe they can win. and of course, keeping him from going berserk on them halfway through the mission is a must. so if they can help him get better, they will.
finnick... well, of course finnick's going to be optimistic about it. but i always felt that wasn't so much a strike against anyone else who DIDN'T, but instead was a testament to finnick as a character. if you think about it, annie wasn't quite... right in the head, either. and yet finnick loved her, and knew he would be happy with her despite her mental instability. he probably never stopped believing peeta could recover because it would be like admitting annie wouldn't either. he HAS to have that hope, not just because peeta's a friend or an ally, but because of annie. she's HIS mockingjay, his symbol that gives him the motivation to survive the war (such a pity that he doesn't) and much like it happens with the soldiers to whom peeta is an "almost katniss," peeta's situation being so similar to annie's makes his recovery almost as important as annie's in finnick's eyes. it's definitely AMAZING of finnick to take this position, and probably one of the reasons he's so well-loved by the fans (beside the fact that he's, y'know, awesome and stuff). but if anything, he's the exception, not the rule.
that kind of reaction isn't something we can expect from every other character. sure, both katniss and haymitch loved peeta in their own way, and gale wanted peeta to recover because of katniss, but one has to think that these are characters that have had everything taken away from them again, and again, and again. by this point, they're completely jaded. they can't afford to feel any kind of hope. you know that saying, "keep your expectations low and be pleasantly surprised"? that's what it's like for them: if peeta ever gets better, they'll be ecstatic. but they can't HOPE for it, DEPEND on it, because it will only hurt more when that hope gets squashed down. especially for katniss, who's under the most pressure at that point, and has the most to lose. that's why she makes her peace with losing peeta early on in mockingjay, in chapter, uh, 18? ish? because she has no hope of survival anyway.
and then there's haymitch's words. i always liked the way he snapped katniss out of it-- it summed up exactly what i would've said to her if i could, knowing all i knew as a reader. but even if he was right, i'm not too convinced peeta's well-being was his only motivation. he was always the most similar to katniss, and he probably knew more than anyone why she reacted to peeta's hijacking the way she did, why she kept pushing him away. he did the same with everyone for almost twenty-five years. he knew "doing what peeta would've done if it was her" wasn't something that was borne naturally in katniss, but he knew it was a guilt trip for the ages. i think the fact that peeta's instability could compromise the mission played a role in his words to katniss. not that he didn't want peeta to get better if possible, but i never really got the feeling he was all that optimistic about peeta's chances either. still, the rebellion was priority and if he had to guilt trip katniss to stop her from jeopardizing it (even knowing he probably would've reacted the exact same way she did), then that's what he was gonna do.
so when it comes down to it, would i have wanted katniss to not have "given up" on peeta so easily? sure. it would've been amazing to never have her lose hope on peeta just as he never did with her. but would it have been congruent with her personality? i don't think so. that's something someone like peeta would do, if he weren't directly involved in this case. it's something someone like prim would do. something someone like finnick would do. but i don't think it's fair to judge all the characters with that same stick. people are not all the same. and katniss in particular was always a little slow on the uptake when it came to feelings, anyway. for my part i was never really upset she didn't automatically try to help him, i knew it wouldn't be something instinctive in her, but i sure was relieved when she eventually figured it out. if she hadn't then i would've been disappointed, but she did. that's all i wanted from her. that's where the growth is. it's not about not messing up, but about fixing things when you do.
and since i'm on the topic of people who said they would kill peeta, i have to defend gale, as well. (i adore gale. peeta's by far my favorite character, but i think gale's misunderstood just as much). i never saw his saying this as a measure of his animosity against peeta. gale is intense and determined, but he's not cold-blooded. i believe he WOULD kill peeta if the situation got to that point, but he wouldn't be doing it out of hate or rivalry. i think there are two reasons he would do it:
1) if katniss was in danger. no question.
2) because he understands more than anyone the idea of pride against the capitol. he knew peeta would rather die than be taken again-- he knew it because that's exactly the way he felt about it (it's one thing they have in common). so if it came down to that, he would. that's what peeta himself would want them to do.
the thing that blows my mind is, gale knew the repercussions this would have. he isn't stupid-- he knew how much katniss cared for peeta, perhaps even more clearly than katniss herself did. once, he told her if peeta never recovered, gale himself would never have a chance with katniss, because she'd never be able to get over peeta. well, if gale killed peeta, it would be the same but tenfold, and gale knew that.
when prim was killed, and katniss thought gale was involved with it, it completely broke their friendship, let alone any hope there was for a relationship between them. and gale completely agreed with that. (i'm convinced he blames himself for prim, and that's why he can't face katniss anymore than she can him). if he had killed peeta, he would've lost katniss as well. to her, he would always be the guy who killed peeta. he never would stand a chance. and the amazing thing is, he would still do it, because he believed it would be the right thing to do, even if it cost him katniss. as much as i don't like even thinking of the possibility of gale killing peeta, i there's something admirable there.
so, that's about it. i hope this gave a few of you a different insight on katniss and why she reacts to things the way she does. (oh, and gale as well, 'cause i just couldn't keep myself from bringing him up, too. ^^;;;). if my endless droning can make you feel just a LITTLE bit better about mockingjay (which i really thought was an amazing book), i'll consider myself satisfied. feel free to leave comments! any chance i get to expand on these books is a treat for me.