Do the Impossible 1/2
Title: Do the Impossible
Author: gina84
Beta: bellemainec
Pairing(s): Akame, Jin/Meisa, Kame/Meisa
Disclaimer: Most of this happened… only not the way the story goes.
Rating: light R
Warnings: jincident?
Summary: Meisa is pregnant. Jin is not really good at making plans. Or is he?
A/N: First part of the #AprilisKarimonth project; otherwise this fic wouldn’t have been written ♥ Dedicated as a little late birthday fic-gift to my Ninja!Sis (karilly), who kept poking me :p
“So, have you heard the latest rumor?” Yamapi smirks across the table and then pours another vodka shot down his throat. His mischievous eyes shine in the dimnes of the club, and never leave Jin's face.
Jin, comfortably seated at the other side of their box, has just downed his own drink and his eyes are searching for a waitress to bring him more. A short visit in Japan before leaving for the States needs to be thoroughly celebrated, after all. “The latest rumor?” he looks at Yamapi then his eyes slide to Ryo who is chuckling at something or maybe nothing at all, considering the number of drinks they have already had tonight, and then end up on Shirota and his clumsy nodding.
“Have you?” Yamapi pokes again.
“What is it? Yamada-kun is going solo?” Jin snickers, imagining Johnny’s anger-red face if he learns that another of his boys would like to try his luck without a group covering his ass. “Or no, wait! Shige wants to travel across Australia on a bike and write a book about it!”
Shirota laughs so much that it turns into choking and Ryo has to hit his back to help him breathe.
“No, but I will surely tell him about the idea.”
“Then what?” Jin asks impatiently.
“You wouldn’t believe…” Yamapi is enjoying the suspense; only he is enjoying it a bit too much for Ryo’s liking or his current level of patience, so Yamapi hasn’t had a chance to get to the point yet, or anywhere near the actual point; when Ryo leans over the table and gives Jin an intent stare from his dazed eyes.
“Kamenashi knocked up Meisa!”
“NISHIKIDO!” Yamapi whines, annoyed because he really wanted to be the one to shock Jin - and the hell is Jin out of it, just numbly staring at Ryo. It’s almost visible how the machine of his brain is trying to work on overload right now. Shirota is cackling like a five-year-old because usually it’s Jin, the one telling them some epoch-making news while this time, Jin is the one flabbergasted and out of words.
Because well, it’s not really every day information that Kamenashi Kazuya not only had sex with someone - a girl above all -, but that there is a baby on the way as well, so the sex part is not just another stupid rumor but obviously, the truth.
“He…w-what?” Jin stutters and brings his hands up to his face, rubbing his eyes and cheeks to put himself together and get rid of the slight fuzziness he feels, caused more by the news than because of the drinks he has had. “W-wait, Meisa? You mean…?”
Yamapi nods. “It’s all over the jimusho. You know, one of these things people are not supposed to know but they, of course, do anyway. Meisa’s manager has been practically sleeping in Johnny’s office as they have been trying to find a solution for this mess for the last two weeks.”
“As soon as this leaks out on public, the world is going to explode,” Ryo adds and it’s obvious how much he is enjoying everything.
Jin gapes, still not able to find a coherent thought.
He is trying to follow the others, not only listen to their words but actually process and comprehend every single one of them.
And by the time Yamapi takes over the converation again and talks about how there’s a chance that Kamenashi might be actually suspended from all his activities and with KAT-TUN’s tour coming, everyone might be in deep shit; Jin thinks of how Kame has never seemed to care about any girl, always sticking with Jin when they were younger - to the point that all Jin’s other friends were making fun saying that the two of them were dating. Which was, of course, not true back then. Only with time, and with earning some experience in life and love and relationships, Jin reached the point when he realized that he probably wouldn’t really mind if they were. Dating.
The realization came too late though. At the moment when Jin was already out of the group and at the other end of the world.
With Kame not talking to him anymore.
And now, Kame is going to father a child with Kuroki Meisa.
A child.
Kame.
Jin’s mind is slowly putting pieces together. Like a puzzle.
Jin has always hated puzzles and enigmas. They make his head spin. In a wrong way. Unlike alcohol. Unlike vodka or the shit Shirota usually brings along after visiting his Spanish relatives.
However, now he is sitting here, in a rather dark corner of a club, slightly tipsy and confused because Kamenashi Kazuya is going to have a baby. With Kuroki Meisa. Their managers must be thrilled about it. - Not that Jin cares about managers; he has always been a pain in the ass for his own one (while his manager has always been annoying the shit out of Jin in return, so they have always been kind of even), so he doesn’t give a damn about their managers at all. What he cares about though, is the sudden image his friends have implanted into his mind just now.
Kame and Meisa.
Together.
Having a baby.
Jin feels an urgent need to rush to the bar and order not only a shot but a whole bottle of something really, really strong and pour it down his throat until he passes out and forgets. Even then, there’s this huge chance he wouldn’t forget at all.
Because the fuck, one can’t simply forget something this huge.
Kame has a baby.
Which equals Kame having a problem.
And Jin having his hopes shattered.
The hopes he hasn’t yet admitted he has. Had. Whatever.
“… kind of ruined my theory about Kamenashi being gay though,” Ryo finishes bitterly a thought Jin hasn’t heard from the beginning but the last words give him an idea.
“Sleeping with Meisa doesn’t make you straight,” Yamapi points out, cracking up. “She’s… kind of a dude anyway.”
They laugh until Shirota tells them to fuck off because, “I’ve seen her boobs and she’s far away from being a dude, you assholes,” he mumbles, rolling his eyes.
“And yet, she’s more manly than Kamenashi,” Ryo holds his own, being supported by Yamapi’s choking.
Shirota grumbles some more, looks up to find some support from Jin but without any success. Jin is still too stunned, too drowned in his own perplexed thoughts.
“Her boobs are not bigger than Yamapi’s anyw- ouch!” Ryo flinches as Yamapi smacks him, hard.
“You are such an asshole, Nishikido.”
“It’s true,” Ryo can’t stop laughing and tries to reach out and grope Yamapi’s chest.
Jin watches the whole scene as if it was not happening right in front of him, as if he couldn’t feel Yamapi’s feet kicking him under the table.
“Fuck you,” Yamapi grumbles.
A long awaited waitress finally shows up at their box and being the only one capable of forming words at the moment, Shirota orders four double shots of tequila, only to change the order to the whole bottle just when the girl is about to leave to get the drinks.
Kamenashi Kazuya is going to have a baby and that’s a fucking good argument to get drunk tonight.
When the bottle arrives a couple of minutes later and Shirota pours the drinks, Jin empties his before they have a chance to make a toast.
The hell is he going to stay sober right now.
***
“Go away, Akanishi!”
“Open the door, Kamenashi!” Jin hits the door of Kame’s apartment with his fist again, for a weird reason considering this method more effective than ringing the bell. Inside, Kame’s dogs are wild and loud, whimpering and barking and most probably jumping around. Kame hisses a couple of orders and curses every now and then.
“Fuck off!” Kame snaps.
Jin is quite sure the whole neighborhood must know about this by now. About them arguing, about the dull blows against the door surface that have been echoing through the floor for the last thirty minutes. Jin is not going to give up, he has the whole fucking day if necessary.
“I said fuck off, Akanishi! Leave me alone!”
“Not gonna!” Jin takes a breath and hits the door one more time. “We need to talk, so just open the door and -”
“There’s nothing you and I need to talk about. Not as far as I am concerned.”
Kame is brusque. Jin has almost forgotten what Kame is like when there are no cameras around. Sharp and cold. Impersonal; someone who likes his privacy. The true and real privacy, not that made up one he shares with the media. Jin hates the other, public person living in Kame’s body, but at the same time, right now, he is not really excited about the real Kamenashi either.
“Well, as far as I am concerned, there’s a fucking lot for us to talk about and I’m sure you don’t want to do it like this, with me shouting at the whole building.”
If this is a game, Jin can play it as well.
Silence.
The dogs keep making sounds for a while and then become silent as well and Jin only waits for a key rattling in the lock.
When nothing happens, Jin tries one more knock, a calm, mannered one this time.
“If you don’t stop, I’m gonna call the police, Akanishi.”
Jin is not intimidated at all. “They will surely love to hear my reasons for coming here, wanting to congratulate you on becoming a fath-”
The door flies open, there’s a hand shooting out of the dark behind it and the next Jin knows he is being forcefully dragged into the foyer of Kamenashi’s fancy apartment. He stumbles and it’s only due to the firm grip of Kame’s hand on his arms that Jin doesn’t fall down, possibly on the dogs that have been welcoming him since his feet touched the wooden floor of the small room.
“Are you out of your mind?” Kame grunts and finally lets go of Jin, disgustedly, as if he couldn’t keep the hold for another second. “How did you even…” a sigh and then another and Kame brings a hand up to his face and rubs his forehead. He is tired and the tiredness is already all over his face. He might not have slept for what seems - and feels - like weeks.
Two weeks and three days actually. Screw counting the hours.
Since the moment Meisa called him with the news, her voice feeble and breaking.
Kame looks at Jin and he knows Jin knows, and feels like the biggest idiot of all.
Here he is, facing a guy who has most probably fucked more girls than Kame has ever talked to (okay, that might be a little exaggerated but whatever, the point is clear) and yet, Kame is the one whose career, whose whole life and future is breaking down while Akanishi Jin is happily building his worldwide fame.
Life is such a bitch.
“The guys told me,” Jin says only to confirm what Kame has already known anyway.
“Everyone knows, hm?” Kame sighs and sends the dogs away with a small waving gesture.
Jin slips out of his shoes, inviting himself in. He is quite sure that Kame wouldn’t say anything and that him not pushing Jin out of the apartment anymore is the only invitation Jin will get. It’s better not to question the moment, and so he just follows Kame into the kitchen. On the way through the apartment, Jin spots a couple of things he wouldn’t have found there only a couple of weeks ago, if he had actually got a chance to be there at the time. - Of course he wouldn’t have because a couple of weeks ago, there was hardly anything he could want to talk to Kamenashi about.
Things have changed though.
There are magazines about babies piled up on the floor next to the couch in the living room. A brochure with baby fashion (knowing Kame, Jin is sure the clothes must be fucking expensive; as well as knowing Kame, Jin wouldn’t doubt for a second that Kame would dress the kid in fucking Prada - if Prada makes baby clothes, which Jin has no idea about). A medical book about pregnancy lies on a kitchen counter and Jin randomly wonders if it’s one of those with pictures of naked female bodies that he and his friends were so curious about in elementary school. He doesn’t check it only because Kame might notice, and the situation is already beyond awkward without making it worse.
“Why are you here?” Kame asks, and braces himself against the counter. He looks up at Jin, and the light coming in through the window finally gives a full image of the tiredness, the dark bags under the pair of empty, worried eyes.
Jin shrugs. “Just wanted to see how you are doing.” His hand is nervously tapping the book and he is willing his fingers to stop but either his will is not strong enough or he is more nervous than he thinks.
The truth is that Jin doesn’t really remember the last time he and Kame met without anyone else around. It must have been ages ago; at the time when Jin yet didn’t know what he knows now. When he didn’t feel what he feels now. When Kamenashi was just Kamenashi and Jin didn’t think of what it might be like to smooth back the loose strand of hair falling down the other’s forehead.
At the time when Jin didn’t have feelings for Kamenashi.
When Kamenashi didn’t have a home full of baby stuff and definitely didn’t have a pregnant girlfriend.
Jin swallows and clears his throat.
“Maybe congratulations,” the words are raw, and hurt on their way out.
Not because Jin is selfish and wants Kame for himself or anything - he hasn’t really thought about his feelings to such an extent -, but because he is kind of sure that the image Kame gives is not one of a happy future father.
It’s rather confusing.
“Thanks,” a bitter scoff and Kame runs a hand through his hair.
They just stand there for a moment, staring anywhere but at each other until Kame makes a move, pointing at a table, or more likely, at one of the chairs over there, offering Jin a seat. That’s a good sign; Jin is not going to leave anymore. “So…uhm…do you want a beer, or something?”
Jin regrets he lost the ability to read Kame years ago. It used to be so easy for them to be around each other, to be at ease. To talk.
Then Kame turned into a perfect idol while Jin… didn’t.
Kame was following what was said and what he was asked to do while Jin … did things his way, constantly breaking all rules.
Only now it is Kame having broken not only one of the dozens of Johnny’s rules but ‘The Rule’ while Jin was working hard on his American album and a tour.
“Beer sounds good,” Jin nods and sits down. Watches Kame going over to a fridge and taking out two cans. When Kame hands him one, their fingers brush against each other for what can’t be more than a second but feels a lot longer. Jin moves, quickly busying himself with opening the can.
They drink, and drink. Then take another gulp just to put off talking.
And then it would look weird if they kept only drinking, because Jin hasn’t come here and hasn’t spent a fucking half hour knocking on Kamenashi’s door only to get a beer. For a beer, he might have gone to Shirota’s and he would have got one without much more than ringing a bell once.
“So, you and Meisa.” Jin sends Kame a glance, checking the other’s reaction.
The last thing Jin is expecting is for Kame to flinch at the sound of the name. His fingers grip the beer can a bit tighter. “You are actually quite good,” Jin says just for the sake of talking; anything but silence is good. “I mean, I haven’t even known you two were… are. You know. Dating.”
“We are not,” Kame mumbles into the can again.
“And now she is… and you…what?” Jin stops the trail of random words slipping from his lips. He is usually not so prompt to catch when someone interrupts him, but now he is and Kame is watching him, watching the realization sinking into Jin’s mind. It’s kind of funny how Jin’s face always shows every mental process running inside his head at the moment.
Kame nods. “We are not. Dating. Or anything.”
“You are not,” Jin repeats to understand it. No dating. So Kame probably still prefers men. Or maybe he is just not picky when it comes to gender; either way, Jin’s next breath is strangely easier to take in. “And the baby…?”
“The baby. Yes.”
“Oh.”
If it was possible, Kame would really like to hide himself behind the can he is holding. He can’t believe he is sitting in his own kitchen, discussing this with no one but Akanishi. Maybe he is already blushing, only the tiredness has drawn all the color out of his face. He can imagine himself sleeping for a week. Two weeks. Only he can’t fall asleep when it’s not yet decided what his life in two weeks will look like. Kame can’t - doesn’t want to - risk waking up into something he doesn’t know, is not prepared for.
“It… just happened. I didn’t… shit.” Kame places the cool can to his temple and rolls it a little. Not talking about it makes the whole problem seemingly invisible. Nonexistent. Yet he can’t not talk about it forever; for more than obvious, natural reasons. It won’t take long and there will be no way to pretend she is not. Pregnant. And Kame doesn’t want to pretend. Not now.
But the baby.
It will change stuff. Everything.
Kame feels Jin is watching him, and glances up. Jin seems worried. Not like someone who would rush out of the door to share Kame’s fears and worries with the rest of the world. With anyone. Kame’s instincts trust Jin, they always have. As strange as it may look or sound after years of not really talking to the other.
Because Jin is still Jin, the one carrying what could be their lifelong memories and Kame’s feelings. A big piece of Kame’s heart.
Once, Kame had hopes. Used to have.
And then he didn’t anymore because Jin didn’t seem to care, preferring partying and talking big about girls over Kame.
Kame closes his eyes and when he opens them, he can’t make himself look back at Jin. “We were drunk. And don’t you dare laugh at me, Akanishi,” he adds quickly because he knows well how stupid and cheap it sounds. A gay guy sleeps with a girl after a wild night and gets her pregnant. There must be tons of fucking movies about it. “We were just drunk. Nothing planned. And now she is… well, she is.” Kame shrugs and even though his mind screams at the end of the sentence, he doesn’t say it aloud.
Doesn’t say that Meisa is pregnant or that she is having a baby.
Because Akanishi - Jin - is sitting right here, in front of him, after all the time of not being here, or around.
Kame is as close to being happy as possible.
But Jin being here doesn’t change the fact that Meisa is pregnant. Actually, Jin wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t.
“What are you…” Jin rubs his chin, a gesture that came up out of nowhere but he can’t get rid of it anymore. It’s unconscious and when he watches himself on a TV screen during interviews and shows, he finds it annoying. It’s just there. When he is nervous. When he doesn’t really know what to say but feels he has to speak. When there is no one to talk instead of him because he doesn’t have a group anymore. “Have you talked to her? About everything?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?” It might be the most ridiculous answer Jin could have received. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Kame shrugs. “Nothing. “ He doesn’t owe Jin anything. Even less answers he doesn’t know himself.
Meisa wants the baby. She said she does.
And Kame, well, he does want it, too. He comes from a big family and always hoped to have kids. Someday. In a far away future when he would get eventually tired of singing and acting and working twenty hours a day. He would be one of those guys who would get married just for the sake of starting a family, despite not being all that much attracted to women. He wouldn’t be the only one doing it. He would just have to find someone with no big expectations. Someone nice. Someone understanding.
Someone who wouldn’t ask millions of needless questions if he came home late and smelling of strange cologne. Who wouldn’t be expecting more than a nice, reliable husband and a good father for her children. One treating her with respect and care. Looking after her and providing for her all she would need.
A marriage doesn’t necessarily need love.
“Johnny must be thrilled,” Jin says.
Talking about Meisa hasn't really pushed Kame into talking so maybe… just maybe… But no. Only a simple glance at Kame’s tense features tells Jin this was not the best idea either. Damn. Talking about Johnny has never been the smartest thing to do when something serious and work-related is going on. Jin’s fingers unconsciously touch his chin again, and this time he doesn’t even notice it.
“Sorry.”
Kame groans. “Johnny will kill me.”
In the whole mess of not knowing and not being sure, this is actually the only certainty Kame has in his life right now. Johnny won’t let him get away with it.
“He won’t,” Jin says quickly to stop Kame from slipping into self-pity. “You are like his personal national treasure. You are the Kamenashi.”
“And that’s the problem,” Kame mumbles and stands up. Being Kamenashi means not making stupid mistakes. Not getting girls pregnant.
Jin quickly finishes his own beer. “What do you mean? Johnny loves you. You bring fortune into his damn agency. He would be an idiot if… you know.” Johnny would be a fucking idiot indeed if he only tried to punish Kame for this. The agency has managed to sweep off even bigger problems.
Jin can also imagine that Meisa’s agency is not really excited either, and if their two managements put their heads together, there must be a way to find a solution…
Kame stands at the counter, props himself against it, his back turned to Jin. Kame thinks; eyes closed and teeth pressed into his lower lip. Jin and his simple logic. Sometimes, Kame wonders how Jin could not only survive so far but also make it as far as he has. Going solo. Having a more or less successful American tour and getting ready for another one. Recording an album. Constantly breaking everything Johnny sets.
And then the answer offers itself.
“I’m not you,” Kame says, swallows yet another lump of anxiety down his throat, and wants to both swear not to ever touch alcohol again and pour himself a drink at the same time, because it’s a bit too late now for any vows, after all.
***
It’s like waiting for a jury verdict.
Kame does his job as always, as if there wasn’t the Sword of Damocles hanging over his head. Work kind of helps him to focus on other stuff. Recording a new song. Maybe his last single with KAT-TUN, but maybe not; so there’s no point with beating his brain up over it, with constant empty worrying. Nothing has been decided yet. Then there’s Going!. Baseball always helps to clear his head from stupid thoughts. Maybe he could still stay as a sport caster when Johnny kicks him out of the agency or suspends him.
But no. If he gets kicked out eventually, Johnny will make sure Kamenashi’s face will never appear on screen again. Ever.
People like Kame don’t break Johnny’s rules without consequences.
People like Jin, do. And they are always lucky enough to slip through.
Kame tries to call Meisa two times during the week. The first time, the line is occupied and Kame doesn’t get the courage to dial the number again a moment later; two days after that, the call falls into a voice mail. He hangs up without saying a word.
This sucks.
She’s having his baby, for god’s sake! He should know… they should. Something. Talk, at least. Be civilized. Kame was raised in a family where parents cared, despite his father being busy all the time and his mother having a lot of house work with four restless boys around, they always found time for family things. And somewhere deep, at a certain level of unconsciousness, Kame wants such a family, too.
He tries to call Meisa once again at the end of the week. Just because.
They were not that bad at communication. Before. When having been still fully dressed and sitting on the floor of Meisa’s living room, sipping a French wine Kame brought along. It took four glasses for Meisa to slowly come to the realization that the guy who had broken up with her two days previously was not good enough for her, and they made a loud, cheerful toast to her newly discovered emotional freedom. Kame needed five glasses to admit, to voice out that he wanted Jin. That he still wants Jin. Fucking Akanishi Jin who has never looked at him as anything other than as a friend, and lately not even as much as that. Kame said he was fucking screwed. Meisa leaned over, a bit clumsily so a couple of red drops splashed out of her glass and landed on the rug between them; and kissed Kame. Maybe they were not even that drunk after all; however, Kame wants to believe that they were.
It’s the only excuse he has.
He meets with Kimura Takuya for a lunch date and he doesn’t remember the last time when his hands were shaky while facing his respected senpai.
Kimura is one of the very few people Kame can call his friend.
They meet in a small family restaurant a bit aside from the main rush of Shibuya, both kind of trying not to look too ostentatiously like idols, and both failing badly because there is only so much one can hide behind a hat and dark glasses and a scarf wrapped around their necks when every one of their fluid, gracious movements gives them away.
Kame doesn’t even try to hide the reasons for the sudden invitation. He has questions. He is curious. About stuff. About having a family and still maintaining an idol career.
No matter how much Kame has been thinking about it these few last days, he hasn’t been able to find anything at least close to the answer. His head is just a mess of questions. Doubts. Fears.
It’s not such a surprise that Kimura knows what has happened.
God, Akanishi knew it and he wasn’t in Japan for longer than a couple of hours. Kame desperately tries not to think about the day the news will leak to the public. It’s gonna be a mess. Maybe bigger than he can imagine. He has a bad feeling that Johnny won’t move a fucking finger to make things easier for anyone. Only for himself.
“It’s hard to believe.”
They have made it through the main dish and are halfway done with a little dessert when Kimura finally grazes the main topic. So far they have been doing fine with talking about their current works and Kimura’s kids, recalling some amusing moments from the time they were filming together, making jokes about possibly filming together again. And now they have run out of safe topics.
Kame nods because that’s all he can do right now.
He has always felt better in the company of his senpais, of older people, mature people. People he could learn something from. He felt somewhat equal to them. Now though, he is nervously fidgeting on his seat, his sweaty palms pressed either against the table or his thighs.
“I’m sorry.” Kame’s lips are dry.
Kimura takes a sip from a glass of water. Looks at Kame. “It’s a lot of responsibility, Kamenashi. Having a family.”
That’s nothing new. That’s something Kame has been thinking about a lot.
They deliberately avoid the part about how it happened. How Kame was careless and imprudent. Kame actually expects Kimura to touch also on that detail because looking from the outside, it must look exactly like that. Him being careless. Him acting impulsively and without thinking.
Kame wants Kimura to say it. To reproach him like a stupid boy who he, in fact, really is.
“I know.”
“No,” Kimura shakes his head and something in his voice sends a shiver down Kame’s spine and gives him goose bumps. “You don’t know until it really happens. Until they make an announcement and people get to know. It will change everything. You need to be ready for it. To have someone to support you when the moment comes.” Kimura gives Kame an inquiring look. “Kuroki-san…”
“I don’t know,” Kame admits. And he really doesn’t because Meisa hasn’t been picking up her phone, and only the little fact that Kame somewhere overheard that she should be a part of some upcoming cosmetics campaign made him not freak out that something might have happened. “She is… we are not,” a rather helpless sigh, “we still need to talk about things.”
“I see. You should do it soon. Kuroki-san may be a strong woman but she shouldn’t stay alone when there’s a baby.”
“She won’t. Stay alone,” Kame swallows; and maybe, just maybe it wasn’t the best idea, wanting to talk to Kimura because their situations are nowhere near similar, and as much as Kame would like to, he is never going to be like the man in front of him. He will never deserve the respect he feels towards any of his senpais. He might have. Someday. If he hadn’t stopped thinking for a fucking shred of second while returning Meisa’s kiss. “I’m the father.” It doesn’t sound like he is talking about himself at all. “I’ll do anything she will let me do.”
***
“I want to be here for you.”
Jin’s voice, and even more Jin’s hand grabbing Kame’s wrist and dragging him somewhere around a corner, surprises Kame the next morning. His head is still spinning a little after the lunch with Kimura. As if only now the full realization has finally hit him.
Only now Kame looks into the future and despite all the dark spots that are still lying there, and that still need to be filled once the management, and above all Johnny, make their final decision; he can see himself in a role of a father. He will be there for the baby and for Meisa. He will do anything…
Jin is slightly breathless when Kame lands against a wall and struggles out of Jin’s hold, surprised at what has just happened.
“W-what?” Kame stutters because it’s not like Jin - only all the temerity and no sense and doing certain things is exactly like Jin. Kame has almost forgotten.
Like a lot of other things about Akanishi.
Jin gulps and nods, ponderously. “I… want to be here for you. If you need… anything. I know that we… fucked up everything. Well, maybe more I fucked up everything, but I don’t want to not talk to you and just… let me help you.” Jin’s eyes are glued to the floor between them, he keeps some distance but not as much as to give Kame a chance to run away. His hands are buried deep in the pockets of his hoodie and ruffled hair sticks out of the hood pulled over his head. He is rambling which is a sign he doesn’t really know what to say or what words to use because his head is once again not catching up with his mouth. “Let me help you, Kazuya,” and finally, Jin’s eyes glance up.
And meet Kame just standing there, leaning against the wall, staring.
Kazuya.
The name hasn’t sounded between them for a long, long time.
Kame bites his lip.
“I know I’m not here… around… too much but we have phones and all that shit and I can be here for you.”
Kame is honestly confused.
Jin looks like he means it, it being anything, and Jin may be the worst actor Kame knows so either he is serious about his words or he has learnt some acting skills in America. Considering Jin’s aversion to everything education-related, Kame decides to go with the first option, and that confuses him even more.
“I could give you a couple of bits of advice on how to deal with Johnny,” Jin smirks, because that’s what he is like, not really good at serious talks.
Kame pushes away a thought that he would have rather got advice on how not to get a girl pregnant. It’s too soon for this kind of joke though, and maybe it will always be too soon.
“Jin?” Kame’s tongue nervously flicks between his lips, leaves a glistering trace of saliva. “I don’t think you can help me.”
No one can.
“But I can always try, right?”
***
When Meisa finally answers Kame’s call, it’s a Friday afternoon and Kame has done the impossible to get her schedule and found out she is not working right now. He wants to talk to her. Needs to talk to her. According to all Kame’s logic, she should want the same. They are going to be parents and it doesn’t matter anymore how it happened because it’s here.
And Kame wants to be a good father.
Meisa is on her way back home while talking to Kame and she can’t speak that much because there are people around her.
Similarly to Kame, only her agency knows about her condition so far and the longer they can keep everything low profile, the better. For everyone. For Meisa’s job and career.
During the past two weeks, she has gone through anger at herself, anger at Kamenashi, denial, fear, and now just hopes that morning sickness will come only later. Not right now when she has just signed a new contract. She needs to focus on her work for as long as possible.
A baby is not something she has been planning to have any time soon. Not when she’s twenty three and her star is rising.
She and Kame meet in a park. It’s the beginning of January and despite the lack of snow in the center of Tokyo, the wind is cold. They are both wrapped in thick scarves and fashionable coats; they walk side by side along a narrow path curling around a pond. They might be the only people there at this hour, which gives them enough privacy not only to appear near each other but also to talk.
They have known each other for years now. Not really friends. They have each other’s number saved in their phones but until recently, neither of them ever used it to make an actual call.
Everything is so blurred now that Kame doesn’t really remember who was the one calling first.
It doesn’t matter anymore though. Just details.
“I’ve heard about the contract,” Kame says, surprising himself with how at ease he actually is. “They did the right thing. Choosing you.”
Meisa wears a thick woolen hat pulled down deep over her forehead and along with the scarf around her neck, there’s only a little of her beautiful face to be seen. Surprisingly, her gentle smile is a part of it. “I’m sorry for not calling back. Before. I know you were trying to reach me.” Her walk is slow and relaxed; she’s laying one foot just in front of the other. Small steps. Her hands are holding her little handbag. It sways with every step taken as her knees slightly bump against it. She looks like a perfect, well-mannered young Japanese girl, lowering her head and talking in a low, soft voice. “I guess I needed some time. To think.”
“I just …” Kame looks at the pond. The wind is playing with the water surface and the undulating is soothing when one forgets about everything else and just watches, gets lost in the moving water. Kame stops. In the middle of taking another step. Then finally averts his eyes from the pond and looks at Meisa. “I just wanted … want you to know I’m here.”
“Kamenashi…”
She used to call him ‘Kazuya’. When they were filming together. She always sneaked into either his dressing room or a caravan and sometimes, they got so entangled into a random talk that someone had to come over and knock at the door to remind them about the next shooting session. Back then, they shared a couple of fake kisses in front of a camera and she called him ‘Kazuya’. Now they are having a baby together and he is ‘Kamenashi’.
Kame thinks maybe he should laugh at it.
Then he doesn’t do anything. Just lets her say what she wants to.
“I already told you I can do this all by myself. You don’t have to.”
Because Kimura was right and Meisa is strong. She thinks she is; she is independent and strong-willed. She’s able to take care of herself. And Kame doesn’t doubt for even a moment that she would raise the baby without him interfering just fine. More than fine. However, he doesn’t want her to; not when he is here, willing to help, ready to give up on everything - as if it was his choice at all when it's Johnny who makes the final decision - to be there for her and the baby. It might not be according to his plan, changing everything he has ever imagined for his future, for his life; but his parents haven’t raised a guy who runs away from responsibility.
“It would be stupid to drown both our careers because of this.” Meisa tightens the grip on her bag. “It’s my,” she closes her eyes for a moment, “problem.”
Kame sucks in a sharp breath. This is not right. Wouldn’t be. “Did you forget? I was there as well. The baby is mine, too. I’m not that kind of a guy who… I’m not. And the agency knows. Everybody knows. You can’t just push me away.” - While all he wants to say is ‘please, don’t do it’. -
“For all I know, your agency can simply deny everything. You said it yourself once, they always do it,” Meisa reminds him.
Gritting his teeth, Kame shivers. It’s cold. “I won’t let them. Listen, it’s not about the agency, okay? It’s not about my work.” Maybe it’s the wind around them that makes his voice sound a bit trembly. Kame listens to his own words resonating in his head and thinks that this must be the sound of his future tumbling down. It’s not the right time for regret yet, though. It’s all too vivid, too present. The realization will come only later. Hitting him fully. Because for the first time in ages, something is not about his work. That’s where he is reaching an unfamiliar territory. “And despite everything, the baby is not a problem. We might fuck up a lot,” Kame says and notices Meisa’s silent chuckle at his choice of words - and that helps. Meisa chuckling is good. A good sign. “But now here’s the baby and I don’t want to do this wrong. I want to give him… or her a family. I want to do this right. It’s not to late to do something right. Don’t push me away,” he repeats, and this time there’s a plea in his voice. Clear and undeniable.
Meisa takes a couple of hesitant steps, thinking over her next words carefully through on her short way to join Kame at the edge of the path, just where the frozen grass starts. “I don’t want you to do this, Kazuya,” - now they are suddenly back to ‘Kazuya’ and Kame shivers again, not because of the winter Tokyo weather so much this time though, - “I don’t want you to feel obliged -”
“The baby is mine. How am I not supposed to feel obliged?”
“Don’t talk about creating a family when …” Meisa finally says. Bites her lip. They were not as drunk as for her not to remember everything Kame told her while he comfortably lounged on the floor in her living room. About Akanishi. About all those feelings Kame has been carrying since forever. About pain and anger and resignation. It’s too late to wonder why she wasn’t also sober enough not to make the first move and kiss him. “I’m not the one you want, am I?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Kame shakes his head. “Not anymore. What I told you the other night, it doesn’t matter. That is not real. Not for me. Not anymore.” Never was. Kame’s heart is beating faster than it should. The memory of him telling Meisa everything must have somehow slipped out of his mind. She knows. He told her. About Jin. Kame will never have what he wants, what he has wanted for a long, long time, so he can only do the next best thing. At the moment when he is about to lose everything, he can just fight tooth and nail to also gain something. Something little. “You are. You and the baby.”
Kame doesn’t want to think of Jin stopping him the other day. About Jin telling him he would be there for Kame. It doesn’t matter either. Can’t.
Once, Kame used to have hopes.
And then, Jin left.
The lesson was learnt.
“Our baby.”
Meisa doesn’t say anything for the longest time then draws in a breath. “You want to get married?”
Does he?
***
Jin has heard the news even before the bell at his door rings in the late afternoon and he finds an obviously drunk Kamenashi Kazuya staggering on his doorstep. In fact, Jin can only catch Kame when the door opens; Kame’s body falling down against Jin’s chest, clumsy and numb.
“It’s done,” Kame struggles to say, words muffled into Jin’s shoulder.
Jin’s hands wind around the inert body and his foot kicks the door closed. He helps Kame in, drags the other into the narrow space of his living room. Pin curiously watches the whole scene and keeps a little distance.
“It’s …” Kame groans and one of his hands claws at Jin’s back, hip, anywhere he can blindly reach; while the other is in a tight grip around a half empty bottle of something Jin doesn’t know (and doesn’t really care about right now), but can easily distinguish as alcohol, judging by Kame’s breath. “… over,” Kame puffs against Jin’s neck and drifts into what he wishes was a blissful unconsciousness but is in fact, only exhaustion and strangely, also relief. Because now he knows.
No more waiting.
Jin knows as well.
Johnny has made the final decision that morning, right after a meeting with Kame. Kame told his boss that he had the intention to marry Kuroki-san along with informing the media about Meisa’s pregnancy.
Jin learnt the news from Takizawa, once again grateful for the fact that Tackey is his close friend - because Tackey always knows stuff, and this time, Jin really needed the information the moment it became clear. He needed to be ready.
Kamenashi is going to be suspended and the upcoming KAT-TUN tour will launch without his presence, with a reduced number of concerts. No one knows if it can work, after all. Without Kamenashi. And yet, certain steps need to be taken when the man in question intends to publicly admit his close relationship - now actually almost engagement - to Kuroki Meisa-san.
Jin helps Kame to sit down on a couch; watches the guy slump into the cushions and catches the bottle just before it can slip out of Kame’s flimsy hold and fall on the floor, pouring out its contents on the rug lying there. Jin actually wouldn’t really mind because his friends are hardly ever careful while having a beer or two here at Jin’s, and the rug most probably remembers more parties than Jin does.
It’s rather strange, Jin thinks while bringing a blanket from the bedroom and covering Kame who has meanwhile curled up and is whimpering somewhere in between consciousness and sleep; having Kame here. Now. At the same time though, Jin is really glad that Kame has come here. Among all the possible places, Kame has chosen to ring Jin’s door bell.
Jin gestures at Pin and points the dog into the kitchen, giving Kame some time and peace to take a rest.
No one deserves it more than Kame today, after all.
Giving up his career when everything seems to work for him, sending him from one job to another, plastering his face and name all over Japan in numerous commercial campaigns; KAT-TUN’s new single and an album. Sitting rightfully at the top of Oricon. Kame is currently living the dream he most probably didn’t know he had until it was all around him, sucking him in, and now it’s spitting him out.
Because Johnny’s boys don’t walk around getting girls pregnant. Johnny’s boys don’t get married at the peak of their popularity. They don’t disappoint the thousands of fans out there who spend their money on them.
Jin knows.
Disappointing your fans is like cutting your throat.
Jin makes coffee, expecting that Kame might appreciate a mug later to fight the hangover that is sure to come; and sits in a chair with Pin lying at his feet. On the couch, entangled in the fluffy blanket, Kame occasionally whimpers in his unsteady sleep. It might be the first good rest Kame has had in weeks (Jin remembers what a lousy sleeper Kamenashi is when being busy or worried over something work-related; and the possible loss of his job is a hell of a reason to be worried), and he has had to earn it by getting drunk. It’s not as much pathetic as rather sad.
When Kame stirs from his restless nap, it’s a late evening already and the room is drowned in a dim light. His head hurts and his stomach makes weird twists. He is slow to remember his surroundings, when Jin silently enters the room.
“Better?” Jin asks, two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands.
Not really, Kame’s hazy mind shoots back; however, Kame doesn’t say a word, just slightly nods. No rash moves.
He feels like the biggest idiot in the whole world. Akanishi Jin said he would be here for him, and the first thing Kame did was bursting into Jin’s apartment to sleep off his own shit. As if Jin’s apartment could make everything disappear.
Kame kind of wishes it worked that way.
He would stay where he is now forever. Snuggled into a blanket that smells like Jin. He would be fine.
Kame groans and buries his face into the cushion he was lying on. Through the buzz in his ears, Kame notices the almost imperceptible sounds of Jin moving around the room, approaching the table and placing one of the mugs there. Sitting down on the chair closest to the couch. And even though this one is more a matter of instincts than hearing, Kame knows Jin is watching him.
“I’m glad you are here,” Jin finally breaks the silence. “Just tell me if there’s anything -”
Kame reaches out and takes the coffee, his hand is shaking. “He’s turning me into a cautionary example,” his voice is weak, the words scraping on their way up his throat.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think he would.”
Then again, that’s Johnny. No one can really predict what the guy will do; and his attitude towards Kamenashi has always been hardly decipherable. There were times when Jin would have sworn Johnny treated Kazuya the same way as he did himself and Yamapi, seeing Kame as one of his ‘golden boys’; however, when Jin or Yamapi made a slip in the past (and god, there was more than one to count), they have never been given more than a small slap on the wrist, a show of caution. Kamenashi has been faultless the whole time, always an example for everyone else, and now Johnny makes him drink of the bitter cup until the very last drop. Once again, an example for the others.
“I did,” Kame admits faintly, sipping his coffee. It burns in his throat. He might never taste better.
Pin curiously sniffs Kame’s leg then looks back at Jin.
“I knew.” Because Kamenashi Kazuya is not allowed to make mistakes.
Jin watches how Pin gets used to Kame’s scent, all over again, remembering the far away days when Kame used to come over with Ran and the four of them went for a walk to a nearby park. All those years ago. Before the debut, before America. Before Meisa.
Jin clears his throat. “Do you… uhm… do you know what you’ll do next?” he asks, while Kame lets his free hand sink down for Pin to give the fingers a few tentative licks. “Except the obvious, of course.”
The wedding.
Right. Kame is getting married. Taking his onscreen wedding ceremony into reality. That’s what this whole mess is about.
For a moment, having been sitting here in falling dark and watching over Kame’s sleep, Jin almost forgot about this particular detail.
Kame sets the cup down, back on the table. Then nods. He might have not had time to think about everything, but he knows stuff. Meisa has a plan and he agreed with most of it.
“Johnny will make sure to keep me away from cameras,” Kame thinks aloud, makes a brief summary; once again more for himself than to inform Jin. In fact, Jin’s presence in the room, so close to him, is something Kame strives to if not forget than at least ignore, push aside. He hears Jin saying “because Johnny is an idiot,” but doesn’t really react to it. “There are moments when I think that it might be better. Not being around. Meisa wants to go back to Okinawa once she can’t work anymore. And I guess it’s a good idea. I’ve always…” Kame frowns and looks away. “Okinawa is a nice place.”
Okinawa is special.
Kame has always loved going there.
To torture himself with memories.
“It is,” Jin nods, mindlessly. “For a kid, too. You can take him, well, or her, to a beach all the time. There’s so many things you can…” and then Jin shuts up because he finds himself sounding like a fucking tourist guide. Or like Tackey and Tsubasa back then when giving a colorful itinerary of Jin and Kame’s well-deserved Okinawa trip. - Jin chuckles because he can’t believe he can be still bitter about the matter, and maybe he could remind Tackey about it the next time they meet. Just because.
To remind Tackey of the hell he let them go through; starting with stupid socks and ending with the bitter goya aftertaste Jin had in his mouth for fucking weeks after coming back to Tokyo. Remind him of snakes around Jin’s neck and endless wandering through the streets and promoting Imai Tsubasa (well, this point might not be Tackey’s fault, but by the time Jin will be talking about t-shirts and preaching Tsubasa’s name everywhere, Jin will hardly care about what was and what wasn’t Tackey’s interest back then). Of washing away a whole day's worth of sweat in the ocean instead of a shower. Of arguing with Kame for reasons Jin doesn’t remember anymore. Of lack of sleep.
Of Kame snuggled up against Jin’s shoulder in the morning. Of Kame being by his side the whole time and cheering him up, despite them both suffering the same.
The next time Jin meets with Tackey, he will remind him of the best three days Jin remembers.
Kame gives Jin an inquiring look, thinking he might have just caught a glimpse of something in Jin’s eyes, but then shakes his head in silly amusement.
He’s just tired, that’s all.
“Meisa wants to visit her family there. Soon. To tell them, before they can read everything in newspapers or hear it on TV.”
“That makes sense,” Jin agrees. He is actually surprised at how calm he still is. Just sitting here, discussing Kame’s upcoming wedding. Jin rolls his lower lip into his mouth, teeth scratching over the skin; thinking. Or more like spacing out before Kame goes on with talking about Meisa, because Jin knows himself, and his patience and self-restraint have its limits.
“And then I need to tell my parents.” Kame sighs. His fingers unconsciously curl into the blanket folded on his lap. “I still don’t know how. I mean… I’ve never even brought a girl home and now there’s a baby and a wedding. Everything I’ve ever worked hard for is -” Kame gasps and holds his breath; the grip on the blanket tightens and his knuckles turn white. His eyelids flutter before his eyes close. “Fuck.”
Jin is immediately thrown from his watch-out. “Kazuya?”
“What am I doing, Jin?”
“Huh?” Unexpected. Most definitely. “I-I…” One of the moments when Jin would really make a good use of being able to quickly find the right words.
Kame shakes his head; the tiredness is back, a couple of hours of a fitful sleep can’t catch up with weeks of sleepless nights.
“Sorry,” Kame gulps and moves forward, tries to clumsily get up from the couch. His legs are stiff though, entangled in the blanket, and he heavily falls back, groaning and scaring Pin who hides himself behind Jin’s chair. Something is loud and buzzing inside his head. Again. For a short moment, Kame stares at the now empty spot the dog has left. He is numb and his head is spinning; maybe some remnants of his previous private drinking party, maybe it’s just everything, falling down, crashing. “It’s not your problem and I shouldn’t…”
He’s going to be a dad.
And Jin is too nice to him. Why is Jin so nice? Why does Jin even care? Jin hasn’t cared for ages, leaving the group and leaving Kame behind, and even before then…
Kame’s head is leaning backwards, an apathetic look pointed to the ceiling. White, only now painted with the hazy light illuminating the room.
His mother will cry for sure upon learning the news, and Kame will never be really sure if the tears will be out of happiness or pity, or worry. Poor, poor Kamenashi Kazuya. Once touching the stars. The initial scandal will gradually fade away, overshadowed by something else, someone else getting married, divorced, someone getting into a car accident. New stars will be born, will shine. While Kamenashi will disappear. He is good at many things but once Johnny is done with him, there will be no place to show Kame’s singing, dancing, acting skills at all anymore. And he is too old for baseball. In the end, he will find a nice, silent job. Where his name won’t stir the crowds.
Kame notices his whole body is shaking. “I’m… I… sorry.” Kame rubs his palms over his face and tries to get a grip on what he is doing, then reaches out for his coffee. Taking a sip could help. Maybe a little. Just a little. Just…
“F-fuck!”
The cup slides under his clumsy fingers and the remaining coffee spills all over the table, a couple of drops drip over the edge, down onto the rug under Kame’s feet. His hand pulls back in a second and fists in the blanket again, holding on for dear life because that might be the only place where Kame can’t mess up anything.
It’s back, the urge to just curl up and hide.
“Kazuya, stop it!”
Jin jumps up and the next moment, he is sitting next to Kame; no needless, complicated thinking needed as well as no asking, he wraps his arms around the trembling body and pulls Kame in, against his chest. Tight. And holds. Holds, because it’s the only thing he can do. Because Kame might be a star and might be ‘Kamenashi Kazuya’, but right now, buried in the breadth of Jin’s chest, breathing in Jin’s heartbeat, Kame is fragile and lost.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Jin whispers, while his hand runs slow, soothing movements up and down the length of Kame’s back. The other hand, placed somewhere around Kame’s waist, keeps holding. Kame quivers with every jerky breath taken, his body twisted in what must be an uncomfortable position yet, he doesn’t try to move even a bit.
Mostly in fear that Jin would think Kame feels already strong enough to pull out of the embrace.
But Kame doesn’t. Not yet.
“I…I c-can’t, Jin. I can’t do it. H-have a baby. It’s not… not what I wanted.”
And Jin only assumes that Kame is talking more about giving up on his career and work, on everything he knows and likes, his life; than the actual baby, because Kame loves kids and he has been rambling about his niece since the moment she was born. At times, when having been mad at Kame for some stupid, unimportant reason, and venting his absurd feelings while drinking with his friends; Jin couldn’t resist the chance to mock Kame, wondering if he wanted to be also present when the girl was being born.
Kame says he is scared. It’s the first time in years when he doesn’t know what will happen next; so far there was always the reliance on the agency, even when his dramas didn’t get the right ratings, even when a project he wished to be a part of was eventually canceled or the role was given to someone else. There was always his manager covering his back, already having another project up his sleeve.
Kame repeats the word ‘scared’ over and over again, says, “this is not what I wanted,” and his hot breath tickles at Jin’s neck, Kame’s moving lips graze Jin’s skin.
And that’s it.
Jin takes Kame’s chin, lifts his head and presses their lips together, because it’s one of those ‘now or never’ moments and Jin is not the type to miss a chance when it offers itself, no matter the possible consequences. His head makes a quick mental peace with the chance that Kame might punch him the very next moment, and then forces his tongue into Kame’s mouth and tastes. Eye wide open to see the shock-turning-into-realization on Kame’s pale face, and Kame’s fingers are clutching at his t-shirt, pushing him away, pushing him… and then pulling him closer when Kame’s eyes darken and his tongue suddenly reciprocates everything Jin’s tongue does. There’s no place for just testing, for questioning what’s going on; the kiss tells it all, tells how long they both have been longing for this to happen, tells that it’s not only a one sided affection. Tells everything they would never be able to put into words.
Jin pulls Kame closer, tugs at his shirt and clumsily draws the other up, blindly helps Kame straddle him, which takes a bit too much effort with Kame’s legs being stiff and not cooperating, but they somehow manage all of that without breaking the kiss for even a second. Because Kame is right here, returning Jin’s kisses and it’s like a dream coming true in the middle of a freaking nightmare. Kame’s fingers are fisted tight on Jin’s chest, gripping the t-shirt the same way they were holding the blanket a moment ago. Only now, Kame really doesn’t want to let go.
Now he really wants to stay.
The kiss eventually dissolves into lazy nibbling and slack sucking, gentle pecks. They need to catch their breaths, yet without losing contact completely. Jin’s palms are spread over Kame’s lower back, lying there without putting any extra pressure. There’s no need to. Kame is not going anywhere. Not now.
For this little moment, drinking each other’s breath and feeling the comfortable warmth of the other’s body is all they need. All they have.
The world beyond the walls of Jin’s apartment doesn’t exist.
Kame shifts only as much as needed to wind his arms around Jin’s neck and snuggles up, leaves a trail of soft kisses along Jin’s cheek before letting his chin rest on Jin’s shoulder. And sighs; he doesn’t remember the last time he wished something. Now he does.
This is not real.
The baby…is.
Kame’s eyes fall shut, painfully tight. To keep the reality out. Away.
He drifts into sleep, feeling the warmth of Jin’s lips on his skin.
***
part 2 to come later this month :p
#torturingsis
Author: gina84
Beta: bellemainec
Pairing(s): Akame, Jin/Meisa, Kame/Meisa
Disclaimer: Most of this happened… only not the way the story goes.
Rating: light R
Warnings: jincident?
Summary: Meisa is pregnant. Jin is not really good at making plans. Or is he?
A/N: First part of the #AprilisKarimonth project; otherwise this fic wouldn’t have been written ♥ Dedicated as a little late birthday fic-gift to my Ninja!Sis (karilly), who kept poking me :p
“So, have you heard the latest rumor?” Yamapi smirks across the table and then pours another vodka shot down his throat. His mischievous eyes shine in the dimnes of the club, and never leave Jin's face.
Jin, comfortably seated at the other side of their box, has just downed his own drink and his eyes are searching for a waitress to bring him more. A short visit in Japan before leaving for the States needs to be thoroughly celebrated, after all. “The latest rumor?” he looks at Yamapi then his eyes slide to Ryo who is chuckling at something or maybe nothing at all, considering the number of drinks they have already had tonight, and then end up on Shirota and his clumsy nodding.
“Have you?” Yamapi pokes again.
“What is it? Yamada-kun is going solo?” Jin snickers, imagining Johnny’s anger-red face if he learns that another of his boys would like to try his luck without a group covering his ass. “Or no, wait! Shige wants to travel across Australia on a bike and write a book about it!”
Shirota laughs so much that it turns into choking and Ryo has to hit his back to help him breathe.
“No, but I will surely tell him about the idea.”
“Then what?” Jin asks impatiently.
“You wouldn’t believe…” Yamapi is enjoying the suspense; only he is enjoying it a bit too much for Ryo’s liking or his current level of patience, so Yamapi hasn’t had a chance to get to the point yet, or anywhere near the actual point; when Ryo leans over the table and gives Jin an intent stare from his dazed eyes.
“Kamenashi knocked up Meisa!”
“NISHIKIDO!” Yamapi whines, annoyed because he really wanted to be the one to shock Jin - and the hell is Jin out of it, just numbly staring at Ryo. It’s almost visible how the machine of his brain is trying to work on overload right now. Shirota is cackling like a five-year-old because usually it’s Jin, the one telling them some epoch-making news while this time, Jin is the one flabbergasted and out of words.
Because well, it’s not really every day information that Kamenashi Kazuya not only had sex with someone - a girl above all -, but that there is a baby on the way as well, so the sex part is not just another stupid rumor but obviously, the truth.
“He…w-what?” Jin stutters and brings his hands up to his face, rubbing his eyes and cheeks to put himself together and get rid of the slight fuzziness he feels, caused more by the news than because of the drinks he has had. “W-wait, Meisa? You mean…?”
Yamapi nods. “It’s all over the jimusho. You know, one of these things people are not supposed to know but they, of course, do anyway. Meisa’s manager has been practically sleeping in Johnny’s office as they have been trying to find a solution for this mess for the last two weeks.”
“As soon as this leaks out on public, the world is going to explode,” Ryo adds and it’s obvious how much he is enjoying everything.
Jin gapes, still not able to find a coherent thought.
He is trying to follow the others, not only listen to their words but actually process and comprehend every single one of them.
And by the time Yamapi takes over the converation again and talks about how there’s a chance that Kamenashi might be actually suspended from all his activities and with KAT-TUN’s tour coming, everyone might be in deep shit; Jin thinks of how Kame has never seemed to care about any girl, always sticking with Jin when they were younger - to the point that all Jin’s other friends were making fun saying that the two of them were dating. Which was, of course, not true back then. Only with time, and with earning some experience in life and love and relationships, Jin reached the point when he realized that he probably wouldn’t really mind if they were. Dating.
The realization came too late though. At the moment when Jin was already out of the group and at the other end of the world.
With Kame not talking to him anymore.
And now, Kame is going to father a child with Kuroki Meisa.
A child.
Kame.
Jin’s mind is slowly putting pieces together. Like a puzzle.
Jin has always hated puzzles and enigmas. They make his head spin. In a wrong way. Unlike alcohol. Unlike vodka or the shit Shirota usually brings along after visiting his Spanish relatives.
However, now he is sitting here, in a rather dark corner of a club, slightly tipsy and confused because Kamenashi Kazuya is going to have a baby. With Kuroki Meisa. Their managers must be thrilled about it. - Not that Jin cares about managers; he has always been a pain in the ass for his own one (while his manager has always been annoying the shit out of Jin in return, so they have always been kind of even), so he doesn’t give a damn about their managers at all. What he cares about though, is the sudden image his friends have implanted into his mind just now.
Kame and Meisa.
Together.
Having a baby.
Jin feels an urgent need to rush to the bar and order not only a shot but a whole bottle of something really, really strong and pour it down his throat until he passes out and forgets. Even then, there’s this huge chance he wouldn’t forget at all.
Because the fuck, one can’t simply forget something this huge.
Kame has a baby.
Which equals Kame having a problem.
And Jin having his hopes shattered.
The hopes he hasn’t yet admitted he has. Had. Whatever.
“… kind of ruined my theory about Kamenashi being gay though,” Ryo finishes bitterly a thought Jin hasn’t heard from the beginning but the last words give him an idea.
“Sleeping with Meisa doesn’t make you straight,” Yamapi points out, cracking up. “She’s… kind of a dude anyway.”
They laugh until Shirota tells them to fuck off because, “I’ve seen her boobs and she’s far away from being a dude, you assholes,” he mumbles, rolling his eyes.
“And yet, she’s more manly than Kamenashi,” Ryo holds his own, being supported by Yamapi’s choking.
Shirota grumbles some more, looks up to find some support from Jin but without any success. Jin is still too stunned, too drowned in his own perplexed thoughts.
“Her boobs are not bigger than Yamapi’s anyw- ouch!” Ryo flinches as Yamapi smacks him, hard.
“You are such an asshole, Nishikido.”
“It’s true,” Ryo can’t stop laughing and tries to reach out and grope Yamapi’s chest.
Jin watches the whole scene as if it was not happening right in front of him, as if he couldn’t feel Yamapi’s feet kicking him under the table.
“Fuck you,” Yamapi grumbles.
A long awaited waitress finally shows up at their box and being the only one capable of forming words at the moment, Shirota orders four double shots of tequila, only to change the order to the whole bottle just when the girl is about to leave to get the drinks.
Kamenashi Kazuya is going to have a baby and that’s a fucking good argument to get drunk tonight.
When the bottle arrives a couple of minutes later and Shirota pours the drinks, Jin empties his before they have a chance to make a toast.
The hell is he going to stay sober right now.
***
“Go away, Akanishi!”
“Open the door, Kamenashi!” Jin hits the door of Kame’s apartment with his fist again, for a weird reason considering this method more effective than ringing the bell. Inside, Kame’s dogs are wild and loud, whimpering and barking and most probably jumping around. Kame hisses a couple of orders and curses every now and then.
“Fuck off!” Kame snaps.
Jin is quite sure the whole neighborhood must know about this by now. About them arguing, about the dull blows against the door surface that have been echoing through the floor for the last thirty minutes. Jin is not going to give up, he has the whole fucking day if necessary.
“I said fuck off, Akanishi! Leave me alone!”
“Not gonna!” Jin takes a breath and hits the door one more time. “We need to talk, so just open the door and -”
“There’s nothing you and I need to talk about. Not as far as I am concerned.”
Kame is brusque. Jin has almost forgotten what Kame is like when there are no cameras around. Sharp and cold. Impersonal; someone who likes his privacy. The true and real privacy, not that made up one he shares with the media. Jin hates the other, public person living in Kame’s body, but at the same time, right now, he is not really excited about the real Kamenashi either.
“Well, as far as I am concerned, there’s a fucking lot for us to talk about and I’m sure you don’t want to do it like this, with me shouting at the whole building.”
If this is a game, Jin can play it as well.
Silence.
The dogs keep making sounds for a while and then become silent as well and Jin only waits for a key rattling in the lock.
When nothing happens, Jin tries one more knock, a calm, mannered one this time.
“If you don’t stop, I’m gonna call the police, Akanishi.”
Jin is not intimidated at all. “They will surely love to hear my reasons for coming here, wanting to congratulate you on becoming a fath-”
The door flies open, there’s a hand shooting out of the dark behind it and the next Jin knows he is being forcefully dragged into the foyer of Kamenashi’s fancy apartment. He stumbles and it’s only due to the firm grip of Kame’s hand on his arms that Jin doesn’t fall down, possibly on the dogs that have been welcoming him since his feet touched the wooden floor of the small room.
“Are you out of your mind?” Kame grunts and finally lets go of Jin, disgustedly, as if he couldn’t keep the hold for another second. “How did you even…” a sigh and then another and Kame brings a hand up to his face and rubs his forehead. He is tired and the tiredness is already all over his face. He might not have slept for what seems - and feels - like weeks.
Two weeks and three days actually. Screw counting the hours.
Since the moment Meisa called him with the news, her voice feeble and breaking.
Kame looks at Jin and he knows Jin knows, and feels like the biggest idiot of all.
Here he is, facing a guy who has most probably fucked more girls than Kame has ever talked to (okay, that might be a little exaggerated but whatever, the point is clear) and yet, Kame is the one whose career, whose whole life and future is breaking down while Akanishi Jin is happily building his worldwide fame.
Life is such a bitch.
“The guys told me,” Jin says only to confirm what Kame has already known anyway.
“Everyone knows, hm?” Kame sighs and sends the dogs away with a small waving gesture.
Jin slips out of his shoes, inviting himself in. He is quite sure that Kame wouldn’t say anything and that him not pushing Jin out of the apartment anymore is the only invitation Jin will get. It’s better not to question the moment, and so he just follows Kame into the kitchen. On the way through the apartment, Jin spots a couple of things he wouldn’t have found there only a couple of weeks ago, if he had actually got a chance to be there at the time. - Of course he wouldn’t have because a couple of weeks ago, there was hardly anything he could want to talk to Kamenashi about.
Things have changed though.
There are magazines about babies piled up on the floor next to the couch in the living room. A brochure with baby fashion (knowing Kame, Jin is sure the clothes must be fucking expensive; as well as knowing Kame, Jin wouldn’t doubt for a second that Kame would dress the kid in fucking Prada - if Prada makes baby clothes, which Jin has no idea about). A medical book about pregnancy lies on a kitchen counter and Jin randomly wonders if it’s one of those with pictures of naked female bodies that he and his friends were so curious about in elementary school. He doesn’t check it only because Kame might notice, and the situation is already beyond awkward without making it worse.
“Why are you here?” Kame asks, and braces himself against the counter. He looks up at Jin, and the light coming in through the window finally gives a full image of the tiredness, the dark bags under the pair of empty, worried eyes.
Jin shrugs. “Just wanted to see how you are doing.” His hand is nervously tapping the book and he is willing his fingers to stop but either his will is not strong enough or he is more nervous than he thinks.
The truth is that Jin doesn’t really remember the last time he and Kame met without anyone else around. It must have been ages ago; at the time when Jin yet didn’t know what he knows now. When he didn’t feel what he feels now. When Kamenashi was just Kamenashi and Jin didn’t think of what it might be like to smooth back the loose strand of hair falling down the other’s forehead.
At the time when Jin didn’t have feelings for Kamenashi.
When Kamenashi didn’t have a home full of baby stuff and definitely didn’t have a pregnant girlfriend.
Jin swallows and clears his throat.
“Maybe congratulations,” the words are raw, and hurt on their way out.
Not because Jin is selfish and wants Kame for himself or anything - he hasn’t really thought about his feelings to such an extent -, but because he is kind of sure that the image Kame gives is not one of a happy future father.
It’s rather confusing.
“Thanks,” a bitter scoff and Kame runs a hand through his hair.
They just stand there for a moment, staring anywhere but at each other until Kame makes a move, pointing at a table, or more likely, at one of the chairs over there, offering Jin a seat. That’s a good sign; Jin is not going to leave anymore. “So…uhm…do you want a beer, or something?”
Jin regrets he lost the ability to read Kame years ago. It used to be so easy for them to be around each other, to be at ease. To talk.
Then Kame turned into a perfect idol while Jin… didn’t.
Kame was following what was said and what he was asked to do while Jin … did things his way, constantly breaking all rules.
Only now it is Kame having broken not only one of the dozens of Johnny’s rules but ‘The Rule’ while Jin was working hard on his American album and a tour.
“Beer sounds good,” Jin nods and sits down. Watches Kame going over to a fridge and taking out two cans. When Kame hands him one, their fingers brush against each other for what can’t be more than a second but feels a lot longer. Jin moves, quickly busying himself with opening the can.
They drink, and drink. Then take another gulp just to put off talking.
And then it would look weird if they kept only drinking, because Jin hasn’t come here and hasn’t spent a fucking half hour knocking on Kamenashi’s door only to get a beer. For a beer, he might have gone to Shirota’s and he would have got one without much more than ringing a bell once.
“So, you and Meisa.” Jin sends Kame a glance, checking the other’s reaction.
The last thing Jin is expecting is for Kame to flinch at the sound of the name. His fingers grip the beer can a bit tighter. “You are actually quite good,” Jin says just for the sake of talking; anything but silence is good. “I mean, I haven’t even known you two were… are. You know. Dating.”
“We are not,” Kame mumbles into the can again.
“And now she is… and you…what?” Jin stops the trail of random words slipping from his lips. He is usually not so prompt to catch when someone interrupts him, but now he is and Kame is watching him, watching the realization sinking into Jin’s mind. It’s kind of funny how Jin’s face always shows every mental process running inside his head at the moment.
Kame nods. “We are not. Dating. Or anything.”
“You are not,” Jin repeats to understand it. No dating. So Kame probably still prefers men. Or maybe he is just not picky when it comes to gender; either way, Jin’s next breath is strangely easier to take in. “And the baby…?”
“The baby. Yes.”
“Oh.”
If it was possible, Kame would really like to hide himself behind the can he is holding. He can’t believe he is sitting in his own kitchen, discussing this with no one but Akanishi. Maybe he is already blushing, only the tiredness has drawn all the color out of his face. He can imagine himself sleeping for a week. Two weeks. Only he can’t fall asleep when it’s not yet decided what his life in two weeks will look like. Kame can’t - doesn’t want to - risk waking up into something he doesn’t know, is not prepared for.
“It… just happened. I didn’t… shit.” Kame places the cool can to his temple and rolls it a little. Not talking about it makes the whole problem seemingly invisible. Nonexistent. Yet he can’t not talk about it forever; for more than obvious, natural reasons. It won’t take long and there will be no way to pretend she is not. Pregnant. And Kame doesn’t want to pretend. Not now.
But the baby.
It will change stuff. Everything.
Kame feels Jin is watching him, and glances up. Jin seems worried. Not like someone who would rush out of the door to share Kame’s fears and worries with the rest of the world. With anyone. Kame’s instincts trust Jin, they always have. As strange as it may look or sound after years of not really talking to the other.
Because Jin is still Jin, the one carrying what could be their lifelong memories and Kame’s feelings. A big piece of Kame’s heart.
Once, Kame had hopes. Used to have.
And then he didn’t anymore because Jin didn’t seem to care, preferring partying and talking big about girls over Kame.
Kame closes his eyes and when he opens them, he can’t make himself look back at Jin. “We were drunk. And don’t you dare laugh at me, Akanishi,” he adds quickly because he knows well how stupid and cheap it sounds. A gay guy sleeps with a girl after a wild night and gets her pregnant. There must be tons of fucking movies about it. “We were just drunk. Nothing planned. And now she is… well, she is.” Kame shrugs and even though his mind screams at the end of the sentence, he doesn’t say it aloud.
Doesn’t say that Meisa is pregnant or that she is having a baby.
Because Akanishi - Jin - is sitting right here, in front of him, after all the time of not being here, or around.
Kame is as close to being happy as possible.
But Jin being here doesn’t change the fact that Meisa is pregnant. Actually, Jin wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t.
“What are you…” Jin rubs his chin, a gesture that came up out of nowhere but he can’t get rid of it anymore. It’s unconscious and when he watches himself on a TV screen during interviews and shows, he finds it annoying. It’s just there. When he is nervous. When he doesn’t really know what to say but feels he has to speak. When there is no one to talk instead of him because he doesn’t have a group anymore. “Have you talked to her? About everything?”
“Sort of.”
“Sort of?” It might be the most ridiculous answer Jin could have received. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Kame shrugs. “Nothing. “ He doesn’t owe Jin anything. Even less answers he doesn’t know himself.
Meisa wants the baby. She said she does.
And Kame, well, he does want it, too. He comes from a big family and always hoped to have kids. Someday. In a far away future when he would get eventually tired of singing and acting and working twenty hours a day. He would be one of those guys who would get married just for the sake of starting a family, despite not being all that much attracted to women. He wouldn’t be the only one doing it. He would just have to find someone with no big expectations. Someone nice. Someone understanding.
Someone who wouldn’t ask millions of needless questions if he came home late and smelling of strange cologne. Who wouldn’t be expecting more than a nice, reliable husband and a good father for her children. One treating her with respect and care. Looking after her and providing for her all she would need.
A marriage doesn’t necessarily need love.
“Johnny must be thrilled,” Jin says.
Talking about Meisa hasn't really pushed Kame into talking so maybe… just maybe… But no. Only a simple glance at Kame’s tense features tells Jin this was not the best idea either. Damn. Talking about Johnny has never been the smartest thing to do when something serious and work-related is going on. Jin’s fingers unconsciously touch his chin again, and this time he doesn’t even notice it.
“Sorry.”
Kame groans. “Johnny will kill me.”
In the whole mess of not knowing and not being sure, this is actually the only certainty Kame has in his life right now. Johnny won’t let him get away with it.
“He won’t,” Jin says quickly to stop Kame from slipping into self-pity. “You are like his personal national treasure. You are the Kamenashi.”
“And that’s the problem,” Kame mumbles and stands up. Being Kamenashi means not making stupid mistakes. Not getting girls pregnant.
Jin quickly finishes his own beer. “What do you mean? Johnny loves you. You bring fortune into his damn agency. He would be an idiot if… you know.” Johnny would be a fucking idiot indeed if he only tried to punish Kame for this. The agency has managed to sweep off even bigger problems.
Jin can also imagine that Meisa’s agency is not really excited either, and if their two managements put their heads together, there must be a way to find a solution…
Kame stands at the counter, props himself against it, his back turned to Jin. Kame thinks; eyes closed and teeth pressed into his lower lip. Jin and his simple logic. Sometimes, Kame wonders how Jin could not only survive so far but also make it as far as he has. Going solo. Having a more or less successful American tour and getting ready for another one. Recording an album. Constantly breaking everything Johnny sets.
And then the answer offers itself.
“I’m not you,” Kame says, swallows yet another lump of anxiety down his throat, and wants to both swear not to ever touch alcohol again and pour himself a drink at the same time, because it’s a bit too late now for any vows, after all.
***
It’s like waiting for a jury verdict.
Kame does his job as always, as if there wasn’t the Sword of Damocles hanging over his head. Work kind of helps him to focus on other stuff. Recording a new song. Maybe his last single with KAT-TUN, but maybe not; so there’s no point with beating his brain up over it, with constant empty worrying. Nothing has been decided yet. Then there’s Going!. Baseball always helps to clear his head from stupid thoughts. Maybe he could still stay as a sport caster when Johnny kicks him out of the agency or suspends him.
But no. If he gets kicked out eventually, Johnny will make sure Kamenashi’s face will never appear on screen again. Ever.
People like Kame don’t break Johnny’s rules without consequences.
People like Jin, do. And they are always lucky enough to slip through.
Kame tries to call Meisa two times during the week. The first time, the line is occupied and Kame doesn’t get the courage to dial the number again a moment later; two days after that, the call falls into a voice mail. He hangs up without saying a word.
This sucks.
She’s having his baby, for god’s sake! He should know… they should. Something. Talk, at least. Be civilized. Kame was raised in a family where parents cared, despite his father being busy all the time and his mother having a lot of house work with four restless boys around, they always found time for family things. And somewhere deep, at a certain level of unconsciousness, Kame wants such a family, too.
He tries to call Meisa once again at the end of the week. Just because.
They were not that bad at communication. Before. When having been still fully dressed and sitting on the floor of Meisa’s living room, sipping a French wine Kame brought along. It took four glasses for Meisa to slowly come to the realization that the guy who had broken up with her two days previously was not good enough for her, and they made a loud, cheerful toast to her newly discovered emotional freedom. Kame needed five glasses to admit, to voice out that he wanted Jin. That he still wants Jin. Fucking Akanishi Jin who has never looked at him as anything other than as a friend, and lately not even as much as that. Kame said he was fucking screwed. Meisa leaned over, a bit clumsily so a couple of red drops splashed out of her glass and landed on the rug between them; and kissed Kame. Maybe they were not even that drunk after all; however, Kame wants to believe that they were.
It’s the only excuse he has.
He meets with Kimura Takuya for a lunch date and he doesn’t remember the last time when his hands were shaky while facing his respected senpai.
Kimura is one of the very few people Kame can call his friend.
They meet in a small family restaurant a bit aside from the main rush of Shibuya, both kind of trying not to look too ostentatiously like idols, and both failing badly because there is only so much one can hide behind a hat and dark glasses and a scarf wrapped around their necks when every one of their fluid, gracious movements gives them away.
Kame doesn’t even try to hide the reasons for the sudden invitation. He has questions. He is curious. About stuff. About having a family and still maintaining an idol career.
No matter how much Kame has been thinking about it these few last days, he hasn’t been able to find anything at least close to the answer. His head is just a mess of questions. Doubts. Fears.
It’s not such a surprise that Kimura knows what has happened.
God, Akanishi knew it and he wasn’t in Japan for longer than a couple of hours. Kame desperately tries not to think about the day the news will leak to the public. It’s gonna be a mess. Maybe bigger than he can imagine. He has a bad feeling that Johnny won’t move a fucking finger to make things easier for anyone. Only for himself.
“It’s hard to believe.”
They have made it through the main dish and are halfway done with a little dessert when Kimura finally grazes the main topic. So far they have been doing fine with talking about their current works and Kimura’s kids, recalling some amusing moments from the time they were filming together, making jokes about possibly filming together again. And now they have run out of safe topics.
Kame nods because that’s all he can do right now.
He has always felt better in the company of his senpais, of older people, mature people. People he could learn something from. He felt somewhat equal to them. Now though, he is nervously fidgeting on his seat, his sweaty palms pressed either against the table or his thighs.
“I’m sorry.” Kame’s lips are dry.
Kimura takes a sip from a glass of water. Looks at Kame. “It’s a lot of responsibility, Kamenashi. Having a family.”
That’s nothing new. That’s something Kame has been thinking about a lot.
They deliberately avoid the part about how it happened. How Kame was careless and imprudent. Kame actually expects Kimura to touch also on that detail because looking from the outside, it must look exactly like that. Him being careless. Him acting impulsively and without thinking.
Kame wants Kimura to say it. To reproach him like a stupid boy who he, in fact, really is.
“I know.”
“No,” Kimura shakes his head and something in his voice sends a shiver down Kame’s spine and gives him goose bumps. “You don’t know until it really happens. Until they make an announcement and people get to know. It will change everything. You need to be ready for it. To have someone to support you when the moment comes.” Kimura gives Kame an inquiring look. “Kuroki-san…”
“I don’t know,” Kame admits. And he really doesn’t because Meisa hasn’t been picking up her phone, and only the little fact that Kame somewhere overheard that she should be a part of some upcoming cosmetics campaign made him not freak out that something might have happened. “She is… we are not,” a rather helpless sigh, “we still need to talk about things.”
“I see. You should do it soon. Kuroki-san may be a strong woman but she shouldn’t stay alone when there’s a baby.”
“She won’t. Stay alone,” Kame swallows; and maybe, just maybe it wasn’t the best idea, wanting to talk to Kimura because their situations are nowhere near similar, and as much as Kame would like to, he is never going to be like the man in front of him. He will never deserve the respect he feels towards any of his senpais. He might have. Someday. If he hadn’t stopped thinking for a fucking shred of second while returning Meisa’s kiss. “I’m the father.” It doesn’t sound like he is talking about himself at all. “I’ll do anything she will let me do.”
***
“I want to be here for you.”
Jin’s voice, and even more Jin’s hand grabbing Kame’s wrist and dragging him somewhere around a corner, surprises Kame the next morning. His head is still spinning a little after the lunch with Kimura. As if only now the full realization has finally hit him.
Only now Kame looks into the future and despite all the dark spots that are still lying there, and that still need to be filled once the management, and above all Johnny, make their final decision; he can see himself in a role of a father. He will be there for the baby and for Meisa. He will do anything…
Jin is slightly breathless when Kame lands against a wall and struggles out of Jin’s hold, surprised at what has just happened.
“W-what?” Kame stutters because it’s not like Jin - only all the temerity and no sense and doing certain things is exactly like Jin. Kame has almost forgotten.
Like a lot of other things about Akanishi.
Jin gulps and nods, ponderously. “I… want to be here for you. If you need… anything. I know that we… fucked up everything. Well, maybe more I fucked up everything, but I don’t want to not talk to you and just… let me help you.” Jin’s eyes are glued to the floor between them, he keeps some distance but not as much as to give Kame a chance to run away. His hands are buried deep in the pockets of his hoodie and ruffled hair sticks out of the hood pulled over his head. He is rambling which is a sign he doesn’t really know what to say or what words to use because his head is once again not catching up with his mouth. “Let me help you, Kazuya,” and finally, Jin’s eyes glance up.
And meet Kame just standing there, leaning against the wall, staring.
Kazuya.
The name hasn’t sounded between them for a long, long time.
Kame bites his lip.
“I know I’m not here… around… too much but we have phones and all that shit and I can be here for you.”
Kame is honestly confused.
Jin looks like he means it, it being anything, and Jin may be the worst actor Kame knows so either he is serious about his words or he has learnt some acting skills in America. Considering Jin’s aversion to everything education-related, Kame decides to go with the first option, and that confuses him even more.
“I could give you a couple of bits of advice on how to deal with Johnny,” Jin smirks, because that’s what he is like, not really good at serious talks.
Kame pushes away a thought that he would have rather got advice on how not to get a girl pregnant. It’s too soon for this kind of joke though, and maybe it will always be too soon.
“Jin?” Kame’s tongue nervously flicks between his lips, leaves a glistering trace of saliva. “I don’t think you can help me.”
No one can.
“But I can always try, right?”
***
When Meisa finally answers Kame’s call, it’s a Friday afternoon and Kame has done the impossible to get her schedule and found out she is not working right now. He wants to talk to her. Needs to talk to her. According to all Kame’s logic, she should want the same. They are going to be parents and it doesn’t matter anymore how it happened because it’s here.
And Kame wants to be a good father.
Meisa is on her way back home while talking to Kame and she can’t speak that much because there are people around her.
Similarly to Kame, only her agency knows about her condition so far and the longer they can keep everything low profile, the better. For everyone. For Meisa’s job and career.
During the past two weeks, she has gone through anger at herself, anger at Kamenashi, denial, fear, and now just hopes that morning sickness will come only later. Not right now when she has just signed a new contract. She needs to focus on her work for as long as possible.
A baby is not something she has been planning to have any time soon. Not when she’s twenty three and her star is rising.
She and Kame meet in a park. It’s the beginning of January and despite the lack of snow in the center of Tokyo, the wind is cold. They are both wrapped in thick scarves and fashionable coats; they walk side by side along a narrow path curling around a pond. They might be the only people there at this hour, which gives them enough privacy not only to appear near each other but also to talk.
They have known each other for years now. Not really friends. They have each other’s number saved in their phones but until recently, neither of them ever used it to make an actual call.
Everything is so blurred now that Kame doesn’t really remember who was the one calling first.
It doesn’t matter anymore though. Just details.
“I’ve heard about the contract,” Kame says, surprising himself with how at ease he actually is. “They did the right thing. Choosing you.”
Meisa wears a thick woolen hat pulled down deep over her forehead and along with the scarf around her neck, there’s only a little of her beautiful face to be seen. Surprisingly, her gentle smile is a part of it. “I’m sorry for not calling back. Before. I know you were trying to reach me.” Her walk is slow and relaxed; she’s laying one foot just in front of the other. Small steps. Her hands are holding her little handbag. It sways with every step taken as her knees slightly bump against it. She looks like a perfect, well-mannered young Japanese girl, lowering her head and talking in a low, soft voice. “I guess I needed some time. To think.”
“I just …” Kame looks at the pond. The wind is playing with the water surface and the undulating is soothing when one forgets about everything else and just watches, gets lost in the moving water. Kame stops. In the middle of taking another step. Then finally averts his eyes from the pond and looks at Meisa. “I just wanted … want you to know I’m here.”
“Kamenashi…”
She used to call him ‘Kazuya’. When they were filming together. She always sneaked into either his dressing room or a caravan and sometimes, they got so entangled into a random talk that someone had to come over and knock at the door to remind them about the next shooting session. Back then, they shared a couple of fake kisses in front of a camera and she called him ‘Kazuya’. Now they are having a baby together and he is ‘Kamenashi’.
Kame thinks maybe he should laugh at it.
Then he doesn’t do anything. Just lets her say what she wants to.
“I already told you I can do this all by myself. You don’t have to.”
Because Kimura was right and Meisa is strong. She thinks she is; she is independent and strong-willed. She’s able to take care of herself. And Kame doesn’t doubt for even a moment that she would raise the baby without him interfering just fine. More than fine. However, he doesn’t want her to; not when he is here, willing to help, ready to give up on everything - as if it was his choice at all when it's Johnny who makes the final decision - to be there for her and the baby. It might not be according to his plan, changing everything he has ever imagined for his future, for his life; but his parents haven’t raised a guy who runs away from responsibility.
“It would be stupid to drown both our careers because of this.” Meisa tightens the grip on her bag. “It’s my,” she closes her eyes for a moment, “problem.”
Kame sucks in a sharp breath. This is not right. Wouldn’t be. “Did you forget? I was there as well. The baby is mine, too. I’m not that kind of a guy who… I’m not. And the agency knows. Everybody knows. You can’t just push me away.” - While all he wants to say is ‘please, don’t do it’. -
“For all I know, your agency can simply deny everything. You said it yourself once, they always do it,” Meisa reminds him.
Gritting his teeth, Kame shivers. It’s cold. “I won’t let them. Listen, it’s not about the agency, okay? It’s not about my work.” Maybe it’s the wind around them that makes his voice sound a bit trembly. Kame listens to his own words resonating in his head and thinks that this must be the sound of his future tumbling down. It’s not the right time for regret yet, though. It’s all too vivid, too present. The realization will come only later. Hitting him fully. Because for the first time in ages, something is not about his work. That’s where he is reaching an unfamiliar territory. “And despite everything, the baby is not a problem. We might fuck up a lot,” Kame says and notices Meisa’s silent chuckle at his choice of words - and that helps. Meisa chuckling is good. A good sign. “But now here’s the baby and I don’t want to do this wrong. I want to give him… or her a family. I want to do this right. It’s not to late to do something right. Don’t push me away,” he repeats, and this time there’s a plea in his voice. Clear and undeniable.
Meisa takes a couple of hesitant steps, thinking over her next words carefully through on her short way to join Kame at the edge of the path, just where the frozen grass starts. “I don’t want you to do this, Kazuya,” - now they are suddenly back to ‘Kazuya’ and Kame shivers again, not because of the winter Tokyo weather so much this time though, - “I don’t want you to feel obliged -”
“The baby is mine. How am I not supposed to feel obliged?”
“Don’t talk about creating a family when …” Meisa finally says. Bites her lip. They were not as drunk as for her not to remember everything Kame told her while he comfortably lounged on the floor in her living room. About Akanishi. About all those feelings Kame has been carrying since forever. About pain and anger and resignation. It’s too late to wonder why she wasn’t also sober enough not to make the first move and kiss him. “I’m not the one you want, am I?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Kame shakes his head. “Not anymore. What I told you the other night, it doesn’t matter. That is not real. Not for me. Not anymore.” Never was. Kame’s heart is beating faster than it should. The memory of him telling Meisa everything must have somehow slipped out of his mind. She knows. He told her. About Jin. Kame will never have what he wants, what he has wanted for a long, long time, so he can only do the next best thing. At the moment when he is about to lose everything, he can just fight tooth and nail to also gain something. Something little. “You are. You and the baby.”
Kame doesn’t want to think of Jin stopping him the other day. About Jin telling him he would be there for Kame. It doesn’t matter either. Can’t.
Once, Kame used to have hopes.
And then, Jin left.
The lesson was learnt.
“Our baby.”
Meisa doesn’t say anything for the longest time then draws in a breath. “You want to get married?”
Does he?
***
Jin has heard the news even before the bell at his door rings in the late afternoon and he finds an obviously drunk Kamenashi Kazuya staggering on his doorstep. In fact, Jin can only catch Kame when the door opens; Kame’s body falling down against Jin’s chest, clumsy and numb.
“It’s done,” Kame struggles to say, words muffled into Jin’s shoulder.
Jin’s hands wind around the inert body and his foot kicks the door closed. He helps Kame in, drags the other into the narrow space of his living room. Pin curiously watches the whole scene and keeps a little distance.
“It’s …” Kame groans and one of his hands claws at Jin’s back, hip, anywhere he can blindly reach; while the other is in a tight grip around a half empty bottle of something Jin doesn’t know (and doesn’t really care about right now), but can easily distinguish as alcohol, judging by Kame’s breath. “… over,” Kame puffs against Jin’s neck and drifts into what he wishes was a blissful unconsciousness but is in fact, only exhaustion and strangely, also relief. Because now he knows.
No more waiting.
Jin knows as well.
Johnny has made the final decision that morning, right after a meeting with Kame. Kame told his boss that he had the intention to marry Kuroki-san along with informing the media about Meisa’s pregnancy.
Jin learnt the news from Takizawa, once again grateful for the fact that Tackey is his close friend - because Tackey always knows stuff, and this time, Jin really needed the information the moment it became clear. He needed to be ready.
Kamenashi is going to be suspended and the upcoming KAT-TUN tour will launch without his presence, with a reduced number of concerts. No one knows if it can work, after all. Without Kamenashi. And yet, certain steps need to be taken when the man in question intends to publicly admit his close relationship - now actually almost engagement - to Kuroki Meisa-san.
Jin helps Kame to sit down on a couch; watches the guy slump into the cushions and catches the bottle just before it can slip out of Kame’s flimsy hold and fall on the floor, pouring out its contents on the rug lying there. Jin actually wouldn’t really mind because his friends are hardly ever careful while having a beer or two here at Jin’s, and the rug most probably remembers more parties than Jin does.
It’s rather strange, Jin thinks while bringing a blanket from the bedroom and covering Kame who has meanwhile curled up and is whimpering somewhere in between consciousness and sleep; having Kame here. Now. At the same time though, Jin is really glad that Kame has come here. Among all the possible places, Kame has chosen to ring Jin’s door bell.
Jin gestures at Pin and points the dog into the kitchen, giving Kame some time and peace to take a rest.
No one deserves it more than Kame today, after all.
Giving up his career when everything seems to work for him, sending him from one job to another, plastering his face and name all over Japan in numerous commercial campaigns; KAT-TUN’s new single and an album. Sitting rightfully at the top of Oricon. Kame is currently living the dream he most probably didn’t know he had until it was all around him, sucking him in, and now it’s spitting him out.
Because Johnny’s boys don’t walk around getting girls pregnant. Johnny’s boys don’t get married at the peak of their popularity. They don’t disappoint the thousands of fans out there who spend their money on them.
Jin knows.
Disappointing your fans is like cutting your throat.
Jin makes coffee, expecting that Kame might appreciate a mug later to fight the hangover that is sure to come; and sits in a chair with Pin lying at his feet. On the couch, entangled in the fluffy blanket, Kame occasionally whimpers in his unsteady sleep. It might be the first good rest Kame has had in weeks (Jin remembers what a lousy sleeper Kamenashi is when being busy or worried over something work-related; and the possible loss of his job is a hell of a reason to be worried), and he has had to earn it by getting drunk. It’s not as much pathetic as rather sad.
When Kame stirs from his restless nap, it’s a late evening already and the room is drowned in a dim light. His head hurts and his stomach makes weird twists. He is slow to remember his surroundings, when Jin silently enters the room.
“Better?” Jin asks, two steaming mugs of coffee in his hands.
Not really, Kame’s hazy mind shoots back; however, Kame doesn’t say a word, just slightly nods. No rash moves.
He feels like the biggest idiot in the whole world. Akanishi Jin said he would be here for him, and the first thing Kame did was bursting into Jin’s apartment to sleep off his own shit. As if Jin’s apartment could make everything disappear.
Kame kind of wishes it worked that way.
He would stay where he is now forever. Snuggled into a blanket that smells like Jin. He would be fine.
Kame groans and buries his face into the cushion he was lying on. Through the buzz in his ears, Kame notices the almost imperceptible sounds of Jin moving around the room, approaching the table and placing one of the mugs there. Sitting down on the chair closest to the couch. And even though this one is more a matter of instincts than hearing, Kame knows Jin is watching him.
“I’m glad you are here,” Jin finally breaks the silence. “Just tell me if there’s anything -”
Kame reaches out and takes the coffee, his hand is shaking. “He’s turning me into a cautionary example,” his voice is weak, the words scraping on their way up his throat.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t think he would.”
Then again, that’s Johnny. No one can really predict what the guy will do; and his attitude towards Kamenashi has always been hardly decipherable. There were times when Jin would have sworn Johnny treated Kazuya the same way as he did himself and Yamapi, seeing Kame as one of his ‘golden boys’; however, when Jin or Yamapi made a slip in the past (and god, there was more than one to count), they have never been given more than a small slap on the wrist, a show of caution. Kamenashi has been faultless the whole time, always an example for everyone else, and now Johnny makes him drink of the bitter cup until the very last drop. Once again, an example for the others.
“I did,” Kame admits faintly, sipping his coffee. It burns in his throat. He might never taste better.
Pin curiously sniffs Kame’s leg then looks back at Jin.
“I knew.” Because Kamenashi Kazuya is not allowed to make mistakes.
Jin watches how Pin gets used to Kame’s scent, all over again, remembering the far away days when Kame used to come over with Ran and the four of them went for a walk to a nearby park. All those years ago. Before the debut, before America. Before Meisa.
Jin clears his throat. “Do you… uhm… do you know what you’ll do next?” he asks, while Kame lets his free hand sink down for Pin to give the fingers a few tentative licks. “Except the obvious, of course.”
The wedding.
Right. Kame is getting married. Taking his onscreen wedding ceremony into reality. That’s what this whole mess is about.
For a moment, having been sitting here in falling dark and watching over Kame’s sleep, Jin almost forgot about this particular detail.
Kame sets the cup down, back on the table. Then nods. He might have not had time to think about everything, but he knows stuff. Meisa has a plan and he agreed with most of it.
“Johnny will make sure to keep me away from cameras,” Kame thinks aloud, makes a brief summary; once again more for himself than to inform Jin. In fact, Jin’s presence in the room, so close to him, is something Kame strives to if not forget than at least ignore, push aside. He hears Jin saying “because Johnny is an idiot,” but doesn’t really react to it. “There are moments when I think that it might be better. Not being around. Meisa wants to go back to Okinawa once she can’t work anymore. And I guess it’s a good idea. I’ve always…” Kame frowns and looks away. “Okinawa is a nice place.”
Okinawa is special.
Kame has always loved going there.
To torture himself with memories.
“It is,” Jin nods, mindlessly. “For a kid, too. You can take him, well, or her, to a beach all the time. There’s so many things you can…” and then Jin shuts up because he finds himself sounding like a fucking tourist guide. Or like Tackey and Tsubasa back then when giving a colorful itinerary of Jin and Kame’s well-deserved Okinawa trip. - Jin chuckles because he can’t believe he can be still bitter about the matter, and maybe he could remind Tackey about it the next time they meet. Just because.
To remind Tackey of the hell he let them go through; starting with stupid socks and ending with the bitter goya aftertaste Jin had in his mouth for fucking weeks after coming back to Tokyo. Remind him of snakes around Jin’s neck and endless wandering through the streets and promoting Imai Tsubasa (well, this point might not be Tackey’s fault, but by the time Jin will be talking about t-shirts and preaching Tsubasa’s name everywhere, Jin will hardly care about what was and what wasn’t Tackey’s interest back then). Of washing away a whole day's worth of sweat in the ocean instead of a shower. Of arguing with Kame for reasons Jin doesn’t remember anymore. Of lack of sleep.
Of Kame snuggled up against Jin’s shoulder in the morning. Of Kame being by his side the whole time and cheering him up, despite them both suffering the same.
The next time Jin meets with Tackey, he will remind him of the best three days Jin remembers.
Kame gives Jin an inquiring look, thinking he might have just caught a glimpse of something in Jin’s eyes, but then shakes his head in silly amusement.
He’s just tired, that’s all.
“Meisa wants to visit her family there. Soon. To tell them, before they can read everything in newspapers or hear it on TV.”
“That makes sense,” Jin agrees. He is actually surprised at how calm he still is. Just sitting here, discussing Kame’s upcoming wedding. Jin rolls his lower lip into his mouth, teeth scratching over the skin; thinking. Or more like spacing out before Kame goes on with talking about Meisa, because Jin knows himself, and his patience and self-restraint have its limits.
“And then I need to tell my parents.” Kame sighs. His fingers unconsciously curl into the blanket folded on his lap. “I still don’t know how. I mean… I’ve never even brought a girl home and now there’s a baby and a wedding. Everything I’ve ever worked hard for is -” Kame gasps and holds his breath; the grip on the blanket tightens and his knuckles turn white. His eyelids flutter before his eyes close. “Fuck.”
Jin is immediately thrown from his watch-out. “Kazuya?”
“What am I doing, Jin?”
“Huh?” Unexpected. Most definitely. “I-I…” One of the moments when Jin would really make a good use of being able to quickly find the right words.
Kame shakes his head; the tiredness is back, a couple of hours of a fitful sleep can’t catch up with weeks of sleepless nights.
“Sorry,” Kame gulps and moves forward, tries to clumsily get up from the couch. His legs are stiff though, entangled in the blanket, and he heavily falls back, groaning and scaring Pin who hides himself behind Jin’s chair. Something is loud and buzzing inside his head. Again. For a short moment, Kame stares at the now empty spot the dog has left. He is numb and his head is spinning; maybe some remnants of his previous private drinking party, maybe it’s just everything, falling down, crashing. “It’s not your problem and I shouldn’t…”
He’s going to be a dad.
And Jin is too nice to him. Why is Jin so nice? Why does Jin even care? Jin hasn’t cared for ages, leaving the group and leaving Kame behind, and even before then…
Kame’s head is leaning backwards, an apathetic look pointed to the ceiling. White, only now painted with the hazy light illuminating the room.
His mother will cry for sure upon learning the news, and Kame will never be really sure if the tears will be out of happiness or pity, or worry. Poor, poor Kamenashi Kazuya. Once touching the stars. The initial scandal will gradually fade away, overshadowed by something else, someone else getting married, divorced, someone getting into a car accident. New stars will be born, will shine. While Kamenashi will disappear. He is good at many things but once Johnny is done with him, there will be no place to show Kame’s singing, dancing, acting skills at all anymore. And he is too old for baseball. In the end, he will find a nice, silent job. Where his name won’t stir the crowds.
Kame notices his whole body is shaking. “I’m… I… sorry.” Kame rubs his palms over his face and tries to get a grip on what he is doing, then reaches out for his coffee. Taking a sip could help. Maybe a little. Just a little. Just…
“F-fuck!”
The cup slides under his clumsy fingers and the remaining coffee spills all over the table, a couple of drops drip over the edge, down onto the rug under Kame’s feet. His hand pulls back in a second and fists in the blanket again, holding on for dear life because that might be the only place where Kame can’t mess up anything.
It’s back, the urge to just curl up and hide.
“Kazuya, stop it!”
Jin jumps up and the next moment, he is sitting next to Kame; no needless, complicated thinking needed as well as no asking, he wraps his arms around the trembling body and pulls Kame in, against his chest. Tight. And holds. Holds, because it’s the only thing he can do. Because Kame might be a star and might be ‘Kamenashi Kazuya’, but right now, buried in the breadth of Jin’s chest, breathing in Jin’s heartbeat, Kame is fragile and lost.
“It’s gonna be okay,” Jin whispers, while his hand runs slow, soothing movements up and down the length of Kame’s back. The other hand, placed somewhere around Kame’s waist, keeps holding. Kame quivers with every jerky breath taken, his body twisted in what must be an uncomfortable position yet, he doesn’t try to move even a bit.
Mostly in fear that Jin would think Kame feels already strong enough to pull out of the embrace.
But Kame doesn’t. Not yet.
“I…I c-can’t, Jin. I can’t do it. H-have a baby. It’s not… not what I wanted.”
And Jin only assumes that Kame is talking more about giving up on his career and work, on everything he knows and likes, his life; than the actual baby, because Kame loves kids and he has been rambling about his niece since the moment she was born. At times, when having been mad at Kame for some stupid, unimportant reason, and venting his absurd feelings while drinking with his friends; Jin couldn’t resist the chance to mock Kame, wondering if he wanted to be also present when the girl was being born.
Kame says he is scared. It’s the first time in years when he doesn’t know what will happen next; so far there was always the reliance on the agency, even when his dramas didn’t get the right ratings, even when a project he wished to be a part of was eventually canceled or the role was given to someone else. There was always his manager covering his back, already having another project up his sleeve.
Kame repeats the word ‘scared’ over and over again, says, “this is not what I wanted,” and his hot breath tickles at Jin’s neck, Kame’s moving lips graze Jin’s skin.
And that’s it.
Jin takes Kame’s chin, lifts his head and presses their lips together, because it’s one of those ‘now or never’ moments and Jin is not the type to miss a chance when it offers itself, no matter the possible consequences. His head makes a quick mental peace with the chance that Kame might punch him the very next moment, and then forces his tongue into Kame’s mouth and tastes. Eye wide open to see the shock-turning-into-realization on Kame’s pale face, and Kame’s fingers are clutching at his t-shirt, pushing him away, pushing him… and then pulling him closer when Kame’s eyes darken and his tongue suddenly reciprocates everything Jin’s tongue does. There’s no place for just testing, for questioning what’s going on; the kiss tells it all, tells how long they both have been longing for this to happen, tells that it’s not only a one sided affection. Tells everything they would never be able to put into words.
Jin pulls Kame closer, tugs at his shirt and clumsily draws the other up, blindly helps Kame straddle him, which takes a bit too much effort with Kame’s legs being stiff and not cooperating, but they somehow manage all of that without breaking the kiss for even a second. Because Kame is right here, returning Jin’s kisses and it’s like a dream coming true in the middle of a freaking nightmare. Kame’s fingers are fisted tight on Jin’s chest, gripping the t-shirt the same way they were holding the blanket a moment ago. Only now, Kame really doesn’t want to let go.
Now he really wants to stay.
The kiss eventually dissolves into lazy nibbling and slack sucking, gentle pecks. They need to catch their breaths, yet without losing contact completely. Jin’s palms are spread over Kame’s lower back, lying there without putting any extra pressure. There’s no need to. Kame is not going anywhere. Not now.
For this little moment, drinking each other’s breath and feeling the comfortable warmth of the other’s body is all they need. All they have.
The world beyond the walls of Jin’s apartment doesn’t exist.
Kame shifts only as much as needed to wind his arms around Jin’s neck and snuggles up, leaves a trail of soft kisses along Jin’s cheek before letting his chin rest on Jin’s shoulder. And sighs; he doesn’t remember the last time he wished something. Now he does.
This is not real.
The baby…is.
Kame’s eyes fall shut, painfully tight. To keep the reality out. Away.
He drifts into sleep, feeling the warmth of Jin’s lips on his skin.
***
part 2 to come later this month :p
#torturingsis