Calloused Chapter 8
Anxiety and hesitation. It knawed on Cara's bones every night, keeping her from sleep, and keeping her unfocused. She would ride during the day with Kahlan, toward Aydindril, a place that she was not welcome, and at night she'd close her eyes and force her beating heart to slow. It put strain on her to do this, to smile and show emotion and pretend that everything was as it should be, but deep in her heart she knew it wasn't. A Mord-Sith wasn't going to settle down; death and suffering was always lingering around waiting for her to be weak. She let herself feel this love because she wanted so bad to be something she wasn't. Cara didn't dream anymore, but if she did, she'd most likely have dreamt about the torture; the merciless pain she went through strictly to rid herself of all feeling.
"When we get to Aydindril I will show you off to everyone." Kahlan chattered happily. "We will be protected by the Home Guard, so no one will try to hurt you." Kahlan shook her head and shivered a little at the thought.
"No, I wouldn't ever let anyone do that."
Cara nodded her head, deep in thoughts of her own but trying to keep up. She leaned her hand into the agiel at her side, and it woke her up a little.
"We should check the map." Cara muttered, stopping her horse. Kahlan rode forward a few steps before processing what she said and stopping. Cara pulled the large aged map out of her pack and looked down at it. Cara's hair brushed against the edges of the map. Kahlan walked up and brushed it back with a finger.
"Your hair is getting longer, Cara." Kahlan said quietly. Cara turned up to look at her, putting a hand on her head self consciously.
"It grows, what does it matter?" Cara replied. Kahlan bit her lip, running her fingers through the stock straight running down Cara's back.
"Don't you want to braid it?" Kahlan whispered shyly, looking intensely into Cara's green eyes. Cara blinked and stepped back, face showing her conflicting thoughts.
"That's... not a part of me anymore." Cara said after a minute, before relaxing the emotion from her face. Kahlan pulled her hand back and put it by her side.
"I'm sorry for bringing it up, Cara." She realized in those moments the twisted thoughts Cara must have been thinking this past week. Cara coughed, and pointed to the top of the map.
"We're about a week and a half away from the Midlands. From there you can do the navigating, since you know the Midlands so well." Kahlan nodded quietly, and Cara folded up the map. There was a moment of awkwardness between them, and then they walked toward their horses again.
Kahlan let her mind gently imagine all the things she would do with Cara once they arrived in Aydindril. A brief urgent flash came into her head regarding how her people would deal with her taking a female mate, but she smoothed the thought away like she did with other things that troubled her. She was going to be happy, truly and completely happy, despite all the odds life had presented her. She looked over to Cara, who was silent and pensive while she rode alongside her. The slight breeze was blowing her long hair back, and Kahlan thought to herself just how incredibly lucky she was.
When they had made their way into the Midlands, and Kahlan had informed Cara that they had come to mountains that she knew, they once again set up camp, this time in a wayward pine. The wind was starting to bite with the cold that was familiar to the Midlands, and Kahlan silently took notice of the slight shiver that Cara tried to hide. Luckily, Kahlan had brought a nice warm wolf fur with her; the only problem was convincing Cara to actually wear it. Huddled in the hull of a large oak, they sat knee to knee inside the tree. Kahlan and Cara found some dry dead branches along the outside of the wayward pine, and set up a small fire. One couldn't stretch out completely in the wayward pine, as it was truly only suitable for one person, but Kahlan didn't mind at all--it been awhile since she had a good reason to touch Cara.
"I didn't expect the fall to turn to winter so quickly." Cara said with a shiver, holding her hands out towards the hearth of the fire. Kahlan tried to hide her smile.
"Winter comes early in the Midlands. I figured you'd know that after all our travels." Cara huffed and rubbed her hands.
"Still. I hate the cold." Cara grumbled to herself. Kahlan held a small stick in her hand, and poked at the fire. She watched the little bits of ash come up in tiny sparks, and became ever more aware of the leather covered knee touching hers. They sat there in silence, the two of them, knowing what was in the air but neither of them daring to say anything about it.
"I'm going to try to sleep, Cara." Kahlan finally said. In a bold move, Kahlan wrapped the fur around her legs, and scooted so that her head rested against Cara's lap. Cara jumped a little, but soon relaxed in the comfort that comes between lovers.
Sleep didn't come quickly for Kahlan, so she laid on Cara's lap simply daring to stare into Cara's eyes. After a few moments Cara looked away.
"What are you frightened of?" Kahlan finally asked. Cara bit her lip, a little sliver of hair coming in front of her face as she did so.
"I worry about him." Cara said. She looked down at Kahlan, her eyes ablaze with the reflection of the fire in them. "I worry about us." Kahlan stretched her arm out and touched Cara's face.
"Aydindril is closer every passing day. We will be free there." Kahlan said simply. Cara felt the tears sting at her eyelids, and once again looked back at the fire, willing them to go away. It killed her that Kahlan honestly expected things to be easy for them. Cara knew better. There was peace in these lands for now, but peace never lasts, and under the veil, there is always war being planned. Cara was made for war, and she could smell it everywhere she went.
"Go to sleep, Kahlan." Cara said, hiding her feelings where Kahlan could never reach them.
It must have been an hour before sunrise when Kahlan woke up alone in the pine. The fire was snuffed out hours ago, and Kahlan turned and saw Cara standing out in the woods, staring at nothing. Kahlan sighed and rose, her body sore from sleeping at such weird angles, and she walked out to Cara, who had noticed she awoke, but made no move to indicate it. Kahlan reached out, touching Cara's shoulder. It was tense, that much Kahlan could feel, but it relaxed in seconds, and Cara turned around with a tight smile on her face.
"What were you thinking of? It's cold." Kahlan said softly, knowing she wouldn't get the answer she was looking for.
"Aydindril." Cara answered enigmatically. Kahlan took her hand, and led her back to the wayward pine. They both shivered in the cold, their breaths coming out as fog from their lips. Cara laid down as much as she could, tired from not sleeping the night before, and Kahlan laid upon her, and gently laid her lips upon hers. It took effort to keep their teeth from chattering as they kissed, but soon the warmth they had created in each other kept them somewhat comfortable. Their mouths became more urgent suddenly, and neither knew why or what made them decide to continue. It was far too cold to be nude, so Cara slipped her hand under the Confessor dress Kahlan wore, and Kahlan, unable to reach what she wanted through the leather, pressed her fingers urgently at Cara's core, and they rode out the desperate passion together, in the freezing cold of a winter morning. Kahlan felt like crying, but she didn't let them come. It was a strange sensation, wanting to cry but not knowing why, like everything was backwards and what you thought was working was never working at all. Cara grabbed the Wolf fur from the back of the wayward pine, and put it over them. She kissed Kahlan's forehead, and then began to fall asleep. Kahlan simply watched.
"When we get to Aydindril I will show you off to everyone." Kahlan chattered happily. "We will be protected by the Home Guard, so no one will try to hurt you." Kahlan shook her head and shivered a little at the thought.
"No, I wouldn't ever let anyone do that."
Cara nodded her head, deep in thoughts of her own but trying to keep up. She leaned her hand into the agiel at her side, and it woke her up a little.
"We should check the map." Cara muttered, stopping her horse. Kahlan rode forward a few steps before processing what she said and stopping. Cara pulled the large aged map out of her pack and looked down at it. Cara's hair brushed against the edges of the map. Kahlan walked up and brushed it back with a finger.
"Your hair is getting longer, Cara." Kahlan said quietly. Cara turned up to look at her, putting a hand on her head self consciously.
"It grows, what does it matter?" Cara replied. Kahlan bit her lip, running her fingers through the stock straight running down Cara's back.
"Don't you want to braid it?" Kahlan whispered shyly, looking intensely into Cara's green eyes. Cara blinked and stepped back, face showing her conflicting thoughts.
"That's... not a part of me anymore." Cara said after a minute, before relaxing the emotion from her face. Kahlan pulled her hand back and put it by her side.
"I'm sorry for bringing it up, Cara." She realized in those moments the twisted thoughts Cara must have been thinking this past week. Cara coughed, and pointed to the top of the map.
"We're about a week and a half away from the Midlands. From there you can do the navigating, since you know the Midlands so well." Kahlan nodded quietly, and Cara folded up the map. There was a moment of awkwardness between them, and then they walked toward their horses again.
Kahlan let her mind gently imagine all the things she would do with Cara once they arrived in Aydindril. A brief urgent flash came into her head regarding how her people would deal with her taking a female mate, but she smoothed the thought away like she did with other things that troubled her. She was going to be happy, truly and completely happy, despite all the odds life had presented her. She looked over to Cara, who was silent and pensive while she rode alongside her. The slight breeze was blowing her long hair back, and Kahlan thought to herself just how incredibly lucky she was.
When they had made their way into the Midlands, and Kahlan had informed Cara that they had come to mountains that she knew, they once again set up camp, this time in a wayward pine. The wind was starting to bite with the cold that was familiar to the Midlands, and Kahlan silently took notice of the slight shiver that Cara tried to hide. Luckily, Kahlan had brought a nice warm wolf fur with her; the only problem was convincing Cara to actually wear it. Huddled in the hull of a large oak, they sat knee to knee inside the tree. Kahlan and Cara found some dry dead branches along the outside of the wayward pine, and set up a small fire. One couldn't stretch out completely in the wayward pine, as it was truly only suitable for one person, but Kahlan didn't mind at all--it been awhile since she had a good reason to touch Cara.
"I didn't expect the fall to turn to winter so quickly." Cara said with a shiver, holding her hands out towards the hearth of the fire. Kahlan tried to hide her smile.
"Winter comes early in the Midlands. I figured you'd know that after all our travels." Cara huffed and rubbed her hands.
"Still. I hate the cold." Cara grumbled to herself. Kahlan held a small stick in her hand, and poked at the fire. She watched the little bits of ash come up in tiny sparks, and became ever more aware of the leather covered knee touching hers. They sat there in silence, the two of them, knowing what was in the air but neither of them daring to say anything about it.
"I'm going to try to sleep, Cara." Kahlan finally said. In a bold move, Kahlan wrapped the fur around her legs, and scooted so that her head rested against Cara's lap. Cara jumped a little, but soon relaxed in the comfort that comes between lovers.
Sleep didn't come quickly for Kahlan, so she laid on Cara's lap simply daring to stare into Cara's eyes. After a few moments Cara looked away.
"What are you frightened of?" Kahlan finally asked. Cara bit her lip, a little sliver of hair coming in front of her face as she did so.
"I worry about him." Cara said. She looked down at Kahlan, her eyes ablaze with the reflection of the fire in them. "I worry about us." Kahlan stretched her arm out and touched Cara's face.
"Aydindril is closer every passing day. We will be free there." Kahlan said simply. Cara felt the tears sting at her eyelids, and once again looked back at the fire, willing them to go away. It killed her that Kahlan honestly expected things to be easy for them. Cara knew better. There was peace in these lands for now, but peace never lasts, and under the veil, there is always war being planned. Cara was made for war, and she could smell it everywhere she went.
"Go to sleep, Kahlan." Cara said, hiding her feelings where Kahlan could never reach them.
It must have been an hour before sunrise when Kahlan woke up alone in the pine. The fire was snuffed out hours ago, and Kahlan turned and saw Cara standing out in the woods, staring at nothing. Kahlan sighed and rose, her body sore from sleeping at such weird angles, and she walked out to Cara, who had noticed she awoke, but made no move to indicate it. Kahlan reached out, touching Cara's shoulder. It was tense, that much Kahlan could feel, but it relaxed in seconds, and Cara turned around with a tight smile on her face.
"What were you thinking of? It's cold." Kahlan said softly, knowing she wouldn't get the answer she was looking for.
"Aydindril." Cara answered enigmatically. Kahlan took her hand, and led her back to the wayward pine. They both shivered in the cold, their breaths coming out as fog from their lips. Cara laid down as much as she could, tired from not sleeping the night before, and Kahlan laid upon her, and gently laid her lips upon hers. It took effort to keep their teeth from chattering as they kissed, but soon the warmth they had created in each other kept them somewhat comfortable. Their mouths became more urgent suddenly, and neither knew why or what made them decide to continue. It was far too cold to be nude, so Cara slipped her hand under the Confessor dress Kahlan wore, and Kahlan, unable to reach what she wanted through the leather, pressed her fingers urgently at Cara's core, and they rode out the desperate passion together, in the freezing cold of a winter morning. Kahlan felt like crying, but she didn't let them come. It was a strange sensation, wanting to cry but not knowing why, like everything was backwards and what you thought was working was never working at all. Cara grabbed the Wolf fur from the back of the wayward pine, and put it over them. She kissed Kahlan's forehead, and then began to fall asleep. Kahlan simply watched.