attack of the killer cupcakes
{has been posted in pieces here, there, and everywhere}
*
Before
“It’s a cupcake, Ronon.” John had given up on not sounding exasperated, because really. “Not enough icing and probably tastes like Styrofoam because they keep sending us the crappy box mixes. A cupcake, that’s all.”
Ronon continued to peer dubiously at the object in question. “Dunno. Still looks like a rabid, facing-eating spindly-drome to me.”
John sighed and moved the cupcake another six inches further away from Ronon. “Y’know, I used to think you were a badass.”
*
After
“Told you it was a spindly-drome,” Ronon said somewhat triumphantly despite the general mayhem happening around them.
“Yeah, well, cupcake, Ronon. It looked like a cupcake. No sane person would expect a cupcake to have teeth.” There were too many people running around for John to get a good shot at the-mutant cupcake or whatever the hell it was, but Ronon fired a couple shots at something and was rewarded with a high-pitched squeal that definitely wasn’t human.
John sighed and lowered his own weapon. “Why does everything in this galaxy want to eat us?”
*
Five Unrelated Conversations Overhead in Atlantis
1. “Did a cupcake really try to eat Colonel Sheppard’s face?”
“I heard it was Ronon.”
“No, no-Sheppard tried to eat it, Ronon told him not to, and then they started a massive food fight.”
“Really? I thought it was a Jello wrestling match.”
“Jello?”
“....Uh, yes sir. Jensen was complaining that they never have the orange-flavored kind.”
“Citrus is evil, haven’t you heard? Oh, and it was a spindley-drome that tried to eat my face, not a cupcake. Several other peoples’ faces, too, actually. And then Ronon shot it.”
“...”
“Just want to make sure you have the facts, if you’re going to be talking about it.”
“...Sir. Jensen, you are so dead.”
2. “And then this thing covered in purple spots landed on my head.”
“It was a chicken, Rodney.”
“Chickens are not purple. Anyway, isn’t it your job to keep that kind of thing from happening to me?”
“My job, Rodney, is to protect Atlantis. I don’t think domesticated fowl really enter the equation.”
“Oh, but cupcakes do?”
“...It wasn’t a cupcake, Rodney.”
“Sure.”
3. “No no no! This crystal goes here, that crystal goes there.”
“If you want something to explode, perhaps. I thought we went over this two days ago, yes?”
“Yes. And we decided the board needs to be configured the other way to prevent random power surges.”
“I think you’ll find if you look at our notes that you are wrong.”
“I’m not wrong.”
“I might be more inclined to agree with you if I hadn’t seen those pictures of you with a chicken on your head.”
“...He took pictures? I’m going to kill him.”
“Yes, yes. But first put the crystals back where they should be, please.”
4. “I hear someone’s planning your death, John.”
“Yeah, though I’m not sure why.”
“Something to do with purple-spotted chickens, I heard.”
“What? I told him birds aren’t in my job description. That doesn’t seem like a good reason to kill me.”
“Maybe not, but what about the photos?”
“...What?”
5. “If Rodney finds out you’re the one who took those photos, there will be ‘hell to pay’, as John would put it.”
“Yeah, but he won’t. He thinks Sheppard did it.”
“I can’t imagine why.”
“...I may have said something to someone and told them not to repeat it.”
“Ronon!”
“Hey, he didn’t believe me about the face-eating spindley-drome. This is just a little pay-back.”
*
Before
“It’s a cupcake, Ronon.” John had given up on not sounding exasperated, because really. “Not enough icing and probably tastes like Styrofoam because they keep sending us the crappy box mixes. A cupcake, that’s all.”
Ronon continued to peer dubiously at the object in question. “Dunno. Still looks like a rabid, facing-eating spindly-drome to me.”
John sighed and moved the cupcake another six inches further away from Ronon. “Y’know, I used to think you were a badass.”
*
After
“Told you it was a spindly-drome,” Ronon said somewhat triumphantly despite the general mayhem happening around them.
“Yeah, well, cupcake, Ronon. It looked like a cupcake. No sane person would expect a cupcake to have teeth.” There were too many people running around for John to get a good shot at the-mutant cupcake or whatever the hell it was, but Ronon fired a couple shots at something and was rewarded with a high-pitched squeal that definitely wasn’t human.
John sighed and lowered his own weapon. “Why does everything in this galaxy want to eat us?”
*
Five Unrelated Conversations Overhead in Atlantis
1. “Did a cupcake really try to eat Colonel Sheppard’s face?”
“I heard it was Ronon.”
“No, no-Sheppard tried to eat it, Ronon told him not to, and then they started a massive food fight.”
“Really? I thought it was a Jello wrestling match.”
“Jello?”
“....Uh, yes sir. Jensen was complaining that they never have the orange-flavored kind.”
“Citrus is evil, haven’t you heard? Oh, and it was a spindley-drome that tried to eat my face, not a cupcake. Several other peoples’ faces, too, actually. And then Ronon shot it.”
“...”
“Just want to make sure you have the facts, if you’re going to be talking about it.”
“...Sir. Jensen, you are so dead.”
2. “And then this thing covered in purple spots landed on my head.”
“It was a chicken, Rodney.”
“Chickens are not purple. Anyway, isn’t it your job to keep that kind of thing from happening to me?”
“My job, Rodney, is to protect Atlantis. I don’t think domesticated fowl really enter the equation.”
“Oh, but cupcakes do?”
“...It wasn’t a cupcake, Rodney.”
“Sure.”
3. “No no no! This crystal goes here, that crystal goes there.”
“If you want something to explode, perhaps. I thought we went over this two days ago, yes?”
“Yes. And we decided the board needs to be configured the other way to prevent random power surges.”
“I think you’ll find if you look at our notes that you are wrong.”
“I’m not wrong.”
“I might be more inclined to agree with you if I hadn’t seen those pictures of you with a chicken on your head.”
“...He took pictures? I’m going to kill him.”
“Yes, yes. But first put the crystals back where they should be, please.”
4. “I hear someone’s planning your death, John.”
“Yeah, though I’m not sure why.”
“Something to do with purple-spotted chickens, I heard.”
“What? I told him birds aren’t in my job description. That doesn’t seem like a good reason to kill me.”
“Maybe not, but what about the photos?”
“...What?”
5. “If Rodney finds out you’re the one who took those photos, there will be ‘hell to pay’, as John would put it.”
“Yeah, but he won’t. He thinks Sheppard did it.”
“I can’t imagine why.”
“...I may have said something to someone and told them not to repeat it.”
“Ronon!”
“Hey, he didn’t believe me about the face-eating spindley-drome. This is just a little pay-back.”