"Xander Harris and the Dark Lord: An Excruciating Correspondence" Xander, Dracula
Title: Xander Harris and the Dark Lord: An Excruciating Correspondence
Author: powerofthebook
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Based on a retcon from Comic #13 about letters exchanged between Dracula and Xander, spans from Season Five of Buffy to immediately post-Chosen.
Warnings: One or two bad words, references to Dracula and his multiple wives
Pairings: References to Xander/Anya, Dracula/Dracula's Wives
Emissary,
Having lost my latest manservant in an unfortunate bout of hunger, I require your immediate assistance here, in my homeland. I have enclosed several train and steamer tickets to ferry you here. Suitable garments and arthropods will be provided to you upon your arrival.
Regards,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Look, I don’t even know why I’m writing back. You don’t have the power to compel through pen and paper, do you?
Point is, I’m staying right here. And don’t try to come back and fetch me. The Xan-Man isn’t interested in becoming a foreign exchange servant, nor does he enjoy milk with his morning roaches.
And steamer? Train? You couldn’t spring for a lousy plane ticket? Get with the times.
Don’t write me again,
Xander,
Lord of Drywall, et al
Manservant,
You are by service bound to me and must return. I cannot assure your safety otherwise, and I require your immediate service. Enclosed you will find new train and steamer tickets.
Do not refer to me as ‘Drac.’ Even the meanest child soiling himself in fear refers to me as Dracula, Lord Dracula, or Dracula, Lord of Darkness. As my manservant, your address to me should be a respectful ‘My Lord,’ or ‘Master.’ ‘Your Grace’ would also be acceptable.
I am unfamiliar with this ‘Drywall.’ Rest assured you may administer as a lord to your province and continue in my service. If not, service to me is greater than remaining as king of a badger’s sand pile.
Regards,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Someone’s a little full of himself. Your Grace? Master? I only address one person like that, and that’s only when we’re in the middle of kink- well, it isn’t you. As for my safety, I pal around with the Slayer, and last I heard, she kicked your foggy ass.
So in short, I’m not headed off by steamer (what the hell is that, by the way?), plane, or train to Transylvania. Drywall requires my constant attention and care.
I suggest you find someone else to be the buttmonkey. That’s not my game any longer.
Xander,
Lord of Drywall, et al
Manservant,
You seem to think that this is a matter up for discussion. I assure you, it is not. You will come to me, and under your own power, since you do not seem to prefer the civilized method of transportation.
There will be consequences if you continue in your recalcitrance.
Impatiently,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Consequences? For as much as you seem to want me to make your bed and fix you breakfast, you don’t seem too keen on doing anything besides making paper threats. Write a letter to the editor - more people will care.
Look, you seem like a perfectly nice bloodthirsty, murdering vampire. I’m certain you’ve got dozens of fans, so why do you keep yourself isolated in all your fancy mansions, where you’d need a manservant? I’ve seen vampires who know how to live a little - try it. You might have fun.
Xander,
Lord of Drywall, et al
Manservant,
You’re right. That was fun.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
You son of a bitch! Did you think that was funny? The Sunnydale Police are dull at best, but very good at breaking down doors and shoving you against a wall. Telling them you thought a missing person was at my address? I’ve been frisked, and not in the good way, and my girlfriend is seriously aggravated with getting a full background check, not having the full human creds.
Give it up, already!
Xander
Manservant,
Yes, I did.
Girlfriend? I thought I smelled something familiar…Anyanka?
Regards,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Look, calling the police on me is one thing. Asking about a former girlfriend who’s now with me? I don’t know when you grew up or what was considered kosher to ask a complete stranger, but that’s really crass. Anya, as she’s now known, lives with me in our spiffy new apartment.
I win.
Xander
Manservant,
What was considered truly crass in my time was living with a woman and not respecting her enough to give her the bond of marriage. I am the Lord of Darkness, not of Social Irresponsibility. All my brides currently living with me can attest to that.
Anyanka was quite fond of my castle in the day. Whatever manor you hold in Drywall cannot hope to measure up to it.
And you are wrong. We are not complete strangers. You are my emissary, my link to the world of sunlight. There is a part of you in me, and a part of me in you. We are linked, my manservant, and the sooner you enter my service, the sooner you will understand that.
You think what you are is all that you can be? You have no idea. Darkness lives in you as well.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
All right. You got into my head and walked around in my skin. But holding my puppet strings doesn’t make you an expert on the inner workings of Xander Harris. We are not linked, except in the past, and in these stupid letters you keep sending. I’m not sure why I keep replying.
And quit with that ‘darkness inside of you’ load of crap that I’m not buying. Of course it’s dark. I have no interior lighting.
Still staying right here. With Anya. In my apartment, with real indoor plumbing and all the modern conveniences, including lights. Nyah.
Two questions, though, since I’m wasting pen, paper, and postage. One, have you ever heard of someone named Glory? Two, suppose your wives started fighting among each other and looked to you to take a side and you really didn’t want to because you loved them both?
Xander
Manservant,
Your situation confuses me. Usually, my wives obey my every command. As we all share a bed, it is the only way of keeping family harmony. A cuff occasionally reminds them of my authority, should they forget.
I am acquainted with no glory but my own.
As to the bond we share - perhaps you could expand upon this in your next missive. I wait for you.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Bed together? As in…wow…that’s an image I really shouldn’t be having right now. Huh.
There is no bonding, male or otherwise. As to Glory, I should have figured.
Xander
Manservant,
There is.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Lord of Dimness,
There’s not. I’ve got a grieving family to attend to. Quit this.
Xander
Manservant,
How your tone improves!
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Manservant,
It has been some time since your last missive, and I have received no reply. Are you in transit to Transylvania? Are you injured? Shall I call your lawmen?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
There’s no easy way to say this, and while I’m not going to look to you as my guide for morality….
….what’s your opinion on raising the dead?
Xander
Manservant,
Though you write to a member of the undead, it is assumed that you mean returning a dead human to be among the living.
I suppose it depends on the method of reanimating the corpse. In the few accounts that I have seen demonstrated, the least to hope for is a twitch. The most to hope for is a body that obeys your commands, and does not paw at you for brains. To accomplish such a feat, you must possess a powerful sorcerer to draw on a large source of power. The power they choose will decide much of what is to come.
I trust Anyanka is well?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Anya’s fine. We’re getting married, by the way - I proposed, and she accepted.
In regards to the whole ‘raising the dead’ thing, no problemo. A few snakes, some flashing lights, and we had our family member back. There was an issue with some hitchhiker demon, but we took care of it soon enough. Actually, it crawled into me for a short time, so I guess you’re not the only one to control my actions. Besides me, you know.
Xander
Manservant,
At least Anyanka is being given respect. It is far beyond propriety to judge her standards.
Watch your reanimated relation for signs of trouble. I was acquainted with a doctor once…the results were unpleasant, especially for his bride.
I trust this ‘hitchhiker’ was destroyed? In that case there should be no barrier to your speedy arrival. Anyanka might find Transylvania charming in the springtime.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Anya is perfectly happy having our wedding here in Sunnydale, thank you. She’ll be Lady of Drywall, a far better title than she’d get in Transylvania, I think.
The hitchhiker was destroyed. Although after recent events, I think I’m going to stop dabbling in magic. You just end up setting people on fire or making them sing…or pulling them out of their happiness.
Xander
Manservant,
My last wedding by starlight on the turrets of my castle was especially memorable. Of course, my bride was attired in cloth of silver, and the ceremony attended by all the elite of Europe. The Prince of Lies, Stalin, Inmxi the Grim…I’m certain Anya will be happy with the simple folk of Drywall wishing her well. You are of course, welcome to the use of my mansion for the wedding ceremonies.
Magic is perfectly fine to dabble with, so long as you kill off anyone else who might know your technique. I’m quite certain no other vampire can morph quite so well as myself.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Thanks ever so, but I’ll pass. Ye olde Club Hall will do us just fine, as will the guest list including the Slayer and Anya’s old employer D’Hoffryn. One wedding will also do us fine.
Is it possible to keep all your brides happy? I’m just morbidly curious about how you didn’t panic at the thought of whether or not you thought you were ready for a third bride…or…I really don’t know how that works.
Xander
Manservant,
If my brides are fussed and will not listen to reason, I stake them, or lock myself in the North Tower with a crate of wine. The happiness of all is most important, specifically, my own.
My offer on the castle yet stands.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
…yeah, that’s about what I thought.
And no, thank you, don’t bother holding the castle open for us.
Xander
Manservant,
I suppose that means I must send a token instead, though I’m reluctant to give one when you’ve hardly given me any service.
Would a crate of Madagascar hissing cockroaches be considered an adequate marriage gift for you?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Don’t bother. I couldn’t go through with it.
My timing sucked, but I think I made the right decision for us. Hope we can still live together.
Not much more to say than that.
Xander
Manservant,
If you believe that she will still live with you after that, you were far better off when I was doing your thinking for you.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Doesn’t matter anyway. She’s gone back to D’Hoffryn and is a vengeance demon once again. So it wouldn’t work out even if she would take me back.
Plus, she did an evil vampire.
Just going to try and take care of my friends at the moment. One of them tried to destroy the world and failed, so we’re still a little punch-drunk from that.
Xander
Manservant,
Plenty of people have done evil vampires and are the better for it - the ‘good’ ones are the ones to avoid. Perhaps you should try it - my wives have been asking me for new company.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
That’s a generous offer, but I’m nearing completion of the construction of a new school. My work in Drywall is unceasing. I’m afraid your wives must make do with you. I’m sure you can all…make do.
Plus, I got a new car! I don’t care if Buffy says I talk about it too much. It’s good to drive something with a warranty.
Xander
Manservant,
My wives were grieved, as I had described you much to them. In my ensuing trip to a poker game, I won a contraption called a ‘motorbike.’ I believe it drives in the same manner as your car…does it?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Well, kind of. A motorbike drives differently than a car - you’ve got to remember to balance on the bike and work the controls, whereas the car you just kind of sit in and drive.
Demon or not, Anya seems to be on the side of good. Or at least self-sacrifice, which is usually good.
Xander
P.S. What do you do about an ensouled vampire? I may have one living with me soon.
Manservant,
What would I do about an ensouled vampire? I would drive a pine tree into the miserable creature’s heart. We’re not meant to have souls, it confuses the process of deciding between good and evil, in both action and hairstyle.
No one in the surrounding villages seems to know quite how to drive this motorbike. There’s too much to work at the same time. Perhaps, if you ever get around to fulfilling your responsibilities and traveling here, you could teach me.
Shame about Anya. I was hoping for a fourth bride.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Yeah, that’s what I was saying. But Buffy seems to want to keep him around, and since he’s occasionally useful, I think I can tolerate him, if he starts picking up his towels. Have to agree with you on the hairstyles, though. Hair-rific.
What Anya chooses to do is her own business.
Motorbikes are wobbly things. Don’t lean too much on one side, or you’ll tip. I know there’s a trick to going around corners, never quite learned it myself.
Xander
Manservant,
Short letter. Hand is broken. Bike accident.
Don’t laugh.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Although I guess that’s traditionally your line.
I did warn you, didn’t I?
Xander
Manservant,
You know, I thought we were past this.
Also, I have received word of dark forces gathering near Sunnydale. None of my sources seemed to be able to pinpoint them near Drywall. Given your continued presence about the loathsome Sunnydale Slayer, I thought it best to inform you.
Especially since you continue to refuse to attend me as you should. While I sit here, alone, healing legs propped up, no one to bring me a fresh snifter of brandy.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Yeah but this is how it works. I mock you, you mock me. Mockery is a two-way street. It’s about the only service I’m going to provide you, so you’ll just have to be content with that.
As for the underfoot evil, way ahead of you. Didn’t know your kind used to be so incredibly ugly. And not just the ugly when you go all bumpy. This is 24-7, no plastic surgery cure-ugly.
Xander
Manservant,
Turok-Han! You’ve got Turok-Han in Sunnydale? Your new mission is this, Manservant. Rid the Earth of their foulness, wipe them out. That is my command.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Well, everybody’s giving me orders nowadays. Join the club.
I figured you would have been game to join them, given the whole ‘Lord of Darkness’ shtick. Don’t tell me you’re all scaredy-vamp.
And by the way, why is it that the Turok-Han can’t change their faces but you guys can? Is this going to be like Worf’s forehead ridges on ST: TNG?
Oh, God, I’ve been around Andrew too long.
Xander
Manservant,
Turok-Han are no allies of the Lord of Darkness. They are enslaved by a great and powerful form of evil, one that would seek to subjugate myself and other great vampires. I am independently evil.
I could not say with all certainty why. I once met a thinker by the name of Darwin who might be able to explain. Considered eating him, but he was far too sickly.
In our years apart, I see that you are no less strange and off-putting.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Well, that’s good to know, if I ever need anyone who’s independently evil. Unfortunately, I sometimes think I’m surrounded by such.
Anya and I are back together…kind of…sort of…not really. We spark, I guess is the best way of putting it.
Xander
Manservant,
Take care. A passing psychic told me of great evil forces massing, and getting ready to strike. Take care of Anya, as well.
Remember, you always have a home and refuge with your master.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
It’s over. The Uber-vamps are dead, and Sunnydale is destroyed. The Hellmouth is closed.
But Anya is dead. I’ve never written that sentence before, It doesn’t look right. Anya is dead.
I can’t believe it. I can’t bear it.
All the others, they’re just a whiny, unbearable mob. They want me to say something to make them feel better, to be the guy that bears up under everything with a funny joke. They don’t remember her.
The others that knew her - I know they don’t really mourn. I’d hear their comments about her, about her love of money, her odd behavior and the way she talked. They think I never heard. Why didn’t I stick up for her? I just can’t take another day listening to another insincere apology.
And Buffy wants to go off and work elsewhere with her band. We’re not even taking a second to breathe, to mourn. As if because Anya and I went through a break-up, her death shouldn’t hurt me so much. Her death. Anya’s death. It still doesn’t look right.
Xander
Xander,
I knew Anya. Not as well as you did, but there is something in her that drew one closer, warmed one. She had a light to bring even the Lord of Darkness close. Her loss is terrible.
Enclosed is an airplane ticket to Bucharest, unless the villager has made a mistake. If you desire, you may come to stay with me for a time, and we can speak of Anya.
I’ll send my wives away to Japan for the time being.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Author: powerofthebook
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Based on a retcon from Comic #13 about letters exchanged between Dracula and Xander, spans from Season Five of Buffy to immediately post-Chosen.
Warnings: One or two bad words, references to Dracula and his multiple wives
Pairings: References to Xander/Anya, Dracula/Dracula's Wives
Emissary,
Having lost my latest manservant in an unfortunate bout of hunger, I require your immediate assistance here, in my homeland. I have enclosed several train and steamer tickets to ferry you here. Suitable garments and arthropods will be provided to you upon your arrival.
Regards,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Look, I don’t even know why I’m writing back. You don’t have the power to compel through pen and paper, do you?
Point is, I’m staying right here. And don’t try to come back and fetch me. The Xan-Man isn’t interested in becoming a foreign exchange servant, nor does he enjoy milk with his morning roaches.
And steamer? Train? You couldn’t spring for a lousy plane ticket? Get with the times.
Don’t write me again,
Xander,
Lord of Drywall, et al
Manservant,
You are by service bound to me and must return. I cannot assure your safety otherwise, and I require your immediate service. Enclosed you will find new train and steamer tickets.
Do not refer to me as ‘Drac.’ Even the meanest child soiling himself in fear refers to me as Dracula, Lord Dracula, or Dracula, Lord of Darkness. As my manservant, your address to me should be a respectful ‘My Lord,’ or ‘Master.’ ‘Your Grace’ would also be acceptable.
I am unfamiliar with this ‘Drywall.’ Rest assured you may administer as a lord to your province and continue in my service. If not, service to me is greater than remaining as king of a badger’s sand pile.
Regards,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Someone’s a little full of himself. Your Grace? Master? I only address one person like that, and that’s only when we’re in the middle of kink- well, it isn’t you. As for my safety, I pal around with the Slayer, and last I heard, she kicked your foggy ass.
So in short, I’m not headed off by steamer (what the hell is that, by the way?), plane, or train to Transylvania. Drywall requires my constant attention and care.
I suggest you find someone else to be the buttmonkey. That’s not my game any longer.
Xander,
Lord of Drywall, et al
Manservant,
You seem to think that this is a matter up for discussion. I assure you, it is not. You will come to me, and under your own power, since you do not seem to prefer the civilized method of transportation.
There will be consequences if you continue in your recalcitrance.
Impatiently,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Consequences? For as much as you seem to want me to make your bed and fix you breakfast, you don’t seem too keen on doing anything besides making paper threats. Write a letter to the editor - more people will care.
Look, you seem like a perfectly nice bloodthirsty, murdering vampire. I’m certain you’ve got dozens of fans, so why do you keep yourself isolated in all your fancy mansions, where you’d need a manservant? I’ve seen vampires who know how to live a little - try it. You might have fun.
Xander,
Lord of Drywall, et al
Manservant,
You’re right. That was fun.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
You son of a bitch! Did you think that was funny? The Sunnydale Police are dull at best, but very good at breaking down doors and shoving you against a wall. Telling them you thought a missing person was at my address? I’ve been frisked, and not in the good way, and my girlfriend is seriously aggravated with getting a full background check, not having the full human creds.
Give it up, already!
Xander
Manservant,
Yes, I did.
Girlfriend? I thought I smelled something familiar…Anyanka?
Regards,
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Look, calling the police on me is one thing. Asking about a former girlfriend who’s now with me? I don’t know when you grew up or what was considered kosher to ask a complete stranger, but that’s really crass. Anya, as she’s now known, lives with me in our spiffy new apartment.
I win.
Xander
Manservant,
What was considered truly crass in my time was living with a woman and not respecting her enough to give her the bond of marriage. I am the Lord of Darkness, not of Social Irresponsibility. All my brides currently living with me can attest to that.
Anyanka was quite fond of my castle in the day. Whatever manor you hold in Drywall cannot hope to measure up to it.
And you are wrong. We are not complete strangers. You are my emissary, my link to the world of sunlight. There is a part of you in me, and a part of me in you. We are linked, my manservant, and the sooner you enter my service, the sooner you will understand that.
You think what you are is all that you can be? You have no idea. Darkness lives in you as well.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
All right. You got into my head and walked around in my skin. But holding my puppet strings doesn’t make you an expert on the inner workings of Xander Harris. We are not linked, except in the past, and in these stupid letters you keep sending. I’m not sure why I keep replying.
And quit with that ‘darkness inside of you’ load of crap that I’m not buying. Of course it’s dark. I have no interior lighting.
Still staying right here. With Anya. In my apartment, with real indoor plumbing and all the modern conveniences, including lights. Nyah.
Two questions, though, since I’m wasting pen, paper, and postage. One, have you ever heard of someone named Glory? Two, suppose your wives started fighting among each other and looked to you to take a side and you really didn’t want to because you loved them both?
Xander
Manservant,
Your situation confuses me. Usually, my wives obey my every command. As we all share a bed, it is the only way of keeping family harmony. A cuff occasionally reminds them of my authority, should they forget.
I am acquainted with no glory but my own.
As to the bond we share - perhaps you could expand upon this in your next missive. I wait for you.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Bed together? As in…wow…that’s an image I really shouldn’t be having right now. Huh.
There is no bonding, male or otherwise. As to Glory, I should have figured.
Xander
Manservant,
There is.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Lord of Dimness,
There’s not. I’ve got a grieving family to attend to. Quit this.
Xander
Manservant,
How your tone improves!
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Manservant,
It has been some time since your last missive, and I have received no reply. Are you in transit to Transylvania? Are you injured? Shall I call your lawmen?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
There’s no easy way to say this, and while I’m not going to look to you as my guide for morality….
….what’s your opinion on raising the dead?
Xander
Manservant,
Though you write to a member of the undead, it is assumed that you mean returning a dead human to be among the living.
I suppose it depends on the method of reanimating the corpse. In the few accounts that I have seen demonstrated, the least to hope for is a twitch. The most to hope for is a body that obeys your commands, and does not paw at you for brains. To accomplish such a feat, you must possess a powerful sorcerer to draw on a large source of power. The power they choose will decide much of what is to come.
I trust Anyanka is well?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Anya’s fine. We’re getting married, by the way - I proposed, and she accepted.
In regards to the whole ‘raising the dead’ thing, no problemo. A few snakes, some flashing lights, and we had our family member back. There was an issue with some hitchhiker demon, but we took care of it soon enough. Actually, it crawled into me for a short time, so I guess you’re not the only one to control my actions. Besides me, you know.
Xander
Manservant,
At least Anyanka is being given respect. It is far beyond propriety to judge her standards.
Watch your reanimated relation for signs of trouble. I was acquainted with a doctor once…the results were unpleasant, especially for his bride.
I trust this ‘hitchhiker’ was destroyed? In that case there should be no barrier to your speedy arrival. Anyanka might find Transylvania charming in the springtime.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Anya is perfectly happy having our wedding here in Sunnydale, thank you. She’ll be Lady of Drywall, a far better title than she’d get in Transylvania, I think.
The hitchhiker was destroyed. Although after recent events, I think I’m going to stop dabbling in magic. You just end up setting people on fire or making them sing…or pulling them out of their happiness.
Xander
Manservant,
My last wedding by starlight on the turrets of my castle was especially memorable. Of course, my bride was attired in cloth of silver, and the ceremony attended by all the elite of Europe. The Prince of Lies, Stalin, Inmxi the Grim…I’m certain Anya will be happy with the simple folk of Drywall wishing her well. You are of course, welcome to the use of my mansion for the wedding ceremonies.
Magic is perfectly fine to dabble with, so long as you kill off anyone else who might know your technique. I’m quite certain no other vampire can morph quite so well as myself.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
Thanks ever so, but I’ll pass. Ye olde Club Hall will do us just fine, as will the guest list including the Slayer and Anya’s old employer D’Hoffryn. One wedding will also do us fine.
Is it possible to keep all your brides happy? I’m just morbidly curious about how you didn’t panic at the thought of whether or not you thought you were ready for a third bride…or…I really don’t know how that works.
Xander
Manservant,
If my brides are fussed and will not listen to reason, I stake them, or lock myself in the North Tower with a crate of wine. The happiness of all is most important, specifically, my own.
My offer on the castle yet stands.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Drac,
…yeah, that’s about what I thought.
And no, thank you, don’t bother holding the castle open for us.
Xander
Manservant,
I suppose that means I must send a token instead, though I’m reluctant to give one when you’ve hardly given me any service.
Would a crate of Madagascar hissing cockroaches be considered an adequate marriage gift for you?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Don’t bother. I couldn’t go through with it.
My timing sucked, but I think I made the right decision for us. Hope we can still live together.
Not much more to say than that.
Xander
Manservant,
If you believe that she will still live with you after that, you were far better off when I was doing your thinking for you.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Doesn’t matter anyway. She’s gone back to D’Hoffryn and is a vengeance demon once again. So it wouldn’t work out even if she would take me back.
Plus, she did an evil vampire.
Just going to try and take care of my friends at the moment. One of them tried to destroy the world and failed, so we’re still a little punch-drunk from that.
Xander
Manservant,
Plenty of people have done evil vampires and are the better for it - the ‘good’ ones are the ones to avoid. Perhaps you should try it - my wives have been asking me for new company.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
That’s a generous offer, but I’m nearing completion of the construction of a new school. My work in Drywall is unceasing. I’m afraid your wives must make do with you. I’m sure you can all…make do.
Plus, I got a new car! I don’t care if Buffy says I talk about it too much. It’s good to drive something with a warranty.
Xander
Manservant,
My wives were grieved, as I had described you much to them. In my ensuing trip to a poker game, I won a contraption called a ‘motorbike.’ I believe it drives in the same manner as your car…does it?
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Well, kind of. A motorbike drives differently than a car - you’ve got to remember to balance on the bike and work the controls, whereas the car you just kind of sit in and drive.
Demon or not, Anya seems to be on the side of good. Or at least self-sacrifice, which is usually good.
Xander
P.S. What do you do about an ensouled vampire? I may have one living with me soon.
Manservant,
What would I do about an ensouled vampire? I would drive a pine tree into the miserable creature’s heart. We’re not meant to have souls, it confuses the process of deciding between good and evil, in both action and hairstyle.
No one in the surrounding villages seems to know quite how to drive this motorbike. There’s too much to work at the same time. Perhaps, if you ever get around to fulfilling your responsibilities and traveling here, you could teach me.
Shame about Anya. I was hoping for a fourth bride.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Yeah, that’s what I was saying. But Buffy seems to want to keep him around, and since he’s occasionally useful, I think I can tolerate him, if he starts picking up his towels. Have to agree with you on the hairstyles, though. Hair-rific.
What Anya chooses to do is her own business.
Motorbikes are wobbly things. Don’t lean too much on one side, or you’ll tip. I know there’s a trick to going around corners, never quite learned it myself.
Xander
Manservant,
Short letter. Hand is broken. Bike accident.
Don’t laugh.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Although I guess that’s traditionally your line.
I did warn you, didn’t I?
Xander
Manservant,
You know, I thought we were past this.
Also, I have received word of dark forces gathering near Sunnydale. None of my sources seemed to be able to pinpoint them near Drywall. Given your continued presence about the loathsome Sunnydale Slayer, I thought it best to inform you.
Especially since you continue to refuse to attend me as you should. While I sit here, alone, healing legs propped up, no one to bring me a fresh snifter of brandy.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Yeah but this is how it works. I mock you, you mock me. Mockery is a two-way street. It’s about the only service I’m going to provide you, so you’ll just have to be content with that.
As for the underfoot evil, way ahead of you. Didn’t know your kind used to be so incredibly ugly. And not just the ugly when you go all bumpy. This is 24-7, no plastic surgery cure-ugly.
Xander
Manservant,
Turok-Han! You’ve got Turok-Han in Sunnydale? Your new mission is this, Manservant. Rid the Earth of their foulness, wipe them out. That is my command.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Well, everybody’s giving me orders nowadays. Join the club.
I figured you would have been game to join them, given the whole ‘Lord of Darkness’ shtick. Don’t tell me you’re all scaredy-vamp.
And by the way, why is it that the Turok-Han can’t change their faces but you guys can? Is this going to be like Worf’s forehead ridges on ST: TNG?
Oh, God, I’ve been around Andrew too long.
Xander
Manservant,
Turok-Han are no allies of the Lord of Darkness. They are enslaved by a great and powerful form of evil, one that would seek to subjugate myself and other great vampires. I am independently evil.
I could not say with all certainty why. I once met a thinker by the name of Darwin who might be able to explain. Considered eating him, but he was far too sickly.
In our years apart, I see that you are no less strange and off-putting.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
Well, that’s good to know, if I ever need anyone who’s independently evil. Unfortunately, I sometimes think I’m surrounded by such.
Anya and I are back together…kind of…sort of…not really. We spark, I guess is the best way of putting it.
Xander
Manservant,
Take care. A passing psychic told me of great evil forces massing, and getting ready to strike. Take care of Anya, as well.
Remember, you always have a home and refuge with your master.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.
Dracula,
It’s over. The Uber-vamps are dead, and Sunnydale is destroyed. The Hellmouth is closed.
But Anya is dead. I’ve never written that sentence before, It doesn’t look right. Anya is dead.
I can’t believe it. I can’t bear it.
All the others, they’re just a whiny, unbearable mob. They want me to say something to make them feel better, to be the guy that bears up under everything with a funny joke. They don’t remember her.
The others that knew her - I know they don’t really mourn. I’d hear their comments about her, about her love of money, her odd behavior and the way she talked. They think I never heard. Why didn’t I stick up for her? I just can’t take another day listening to another insincere apology.
And Buffy wants to go off and work elsewhere with her band. We’re not even taking a second to breathe, to mourn. As if because Anya and I went through a break-up, her death shouldn’t hurt me so much. Her death. Anya’s death. It still doesn’t look right.
Xander
Xander,
I knew Anya. Not as well as you did, but there is something in her that drew one closer, warmed one. She had a light to bring even the Lord of Darkness close. Her loss is terrible.
Enclosed is an airplane ticket to Bucharest, unless the villager has made a mistake. If you desire, you may come to stay with me for a time, and we can speak of Anya.
I’ll send my wives away to Japan for the time being.
Dracula,
Lord of Darkness, Unholy Prince, etc.