Better You Than Me

[gemchansan]

My uncle has threatened to show some of my writing to a published author friend of his. However, since most of my writing up to this point has been fanfiction, I decided to try my hand at writing something that doesn't involve ninjas or death gods. So, without further ado, here's my first non-anime related short story in almost ten years...Any

Comments

[randomsome1]

One of the things Miss Snark pushed was hooking--using your first sentence or two to grab your reader's attention/get the ball rolling. I would recommend that you read what you have as it stands and out loud, looking for flow of sentences and the direction your paragraphs/ideas are going. You seem to love really compounded sentences (you use lots of commas where you might be able to trim a sentence down to a less verbose form), your punctuation's off in places, and some of your wording's unclear.

Ie, take this:

Sometimes, it was easy to guess; the older, middle-aged woman in worn red plaid flannel pajamas, with her feet stuffed hastily into a pair of unlaced tennis shoes had been dreaming peacefully before the shrill ring of her phone had shattered the quiet, the young man in a rumpled charcoal-gray business suit, his wildly patterned paisley tie askew, had been at work, or perhaps in a meeting when his secretary had tapped quietly on the door. A pair of wide-eyed children, still in school clothes, backpacks at their feet, a postal

[gemchansan]

I do have a tendency to run on, don't I? Thanks for the help...it's always good to have an editor that's not related to me or who does not fear my wrath (imagined, really, I haven't been wrathful since they put me on the meds). This story definitely needs tweaking.

My uncle has been threatening to get me published for years, I have this horror of him showing stuff I wrote in high school (the last stuff I gave him--oh, the emo poetry!) to, well...anyone. While I'd like to someday get published, I'd also (more importantly) like to write something I'm proud of, which is why I'm writing again.

As a librarian, I'm exposed to lots and lots of books, some of them crap. I'd much rather be a Philip Roth or a Jasper Fforde than a Laurell K. Hamilton or a Nora Roberts.

Now, I need to find some balance between Ernest Hemingway and Dean Koontz (king of the tortured analogy).

Off to peel the hyperactive kitten off my leg...

[randomsome1]

My uncle has been threatening to get me published for years

That wording kinda scares me. I don't see any kind of legit agent or publisher going along with "Yeah, they're kinda shy, call 'em up and talk 'em into it!" Keep him out of trouble, 'kay? :P

Heh, Hemingway and Koontz both make my brain hurt. Just don't pick up Koontz's posturing, proselytizing character types, or his tendency to insert his damned dog into every single book. :D

[gemchansan]

Luckily, I don't have a dog to insert *anywhere*.
And my uncle most probably lacks the ability to get anyone published, but that wouldn't stop him from molesting innocent people in a drive to show them my work. He's like an agent that I didn't hire. One I only see at Thanksgiving and bakes pies. The least I can do for these poor innocent people is not write crap.