FanFic100: #008 Weeks
God, she’s such an idiot. Why didn’t she see that earlier? Three weeks ago, she had had her chance… and then he’d been gone, away on some secret mission with the Icarus only Sheppard and Woolsey knew more about and she never heard from him again. Why did she listen to him when he told her that they couldn’t, that they shouldn’t, that it wasn’t about not having feelings, but about simply not being allowed to have them?
Why the hell had she nodded and acted all sensible and agreed with him that ending it before it could really begin was a very good idea? Shouldn’t have the whole thing with Carson taught her something about this galaxy and how easy it is to lose someone you thought would always be there? But no, for once she had let her head do the thinking, and that had been a fucking bad idea.
Because now she keeps seeing him in every damn nook and cranny of this whole goddamn city and she keeps waiting for a sign from him… just any sign. But there’s just… nothing. Three weeks, and they haven’t heard anything from him or the rest of the Icarus crew. She tried to distract herself with all kinds of stuff… research, poker, sparring, climbing… but so far the only thing that helped to get out all the pent-up energy inside of her is running her legs off
Atlantis proved too small for the enormous distances she seems to need to empty her mind of everything concerning her heart and Major Lorne and fucking not getting him out of her head, and running around here reminds her too much of him, so she has taken to occupy the treadmill. But not even that seems to help anymore. With every day that passes without a word from the Icarus, his absence and her own idiocy become harder to bear.
They hadn’t even kissed, only found themselves on the verge of it after fooling around on one of the couches in a deserted common room. She still doesn’t really know how they came about that in the first place, only that suddenly it hadn’t been innocent anymore… something had changed and the atmosphere had been charged up and they had realized that they had reached some kind of point of no return. Either they would kiss… or nothing would happen at all.
And instead of simply leaving it at that, he had gone and told her that yes, he wanted to do it… but simply couldn’t. Why the hell she didn’t just kiss him then is still a mystery to her. Or maybe… maybe not. Subconsciously, she slows down her furious pace a little. Maybe… it had scared her that suddenly her little crush wasn’t something secret and one-sided anymore, but something where feelings from the other side were involved, too.
Maybe her mother had been right with always telling her to be careful what she’s wishing for, because it might come true. Adoring Major Evan Lorne from afar and trying to catch a glimpse of him now and then had been okay, had been easy… knowing he was feeling something similar for her and all that came with it - regulations to be considered, futures to be possible, heartache just waiting for them in case something happened to either of them - was something quite different. Something that scared her to death, because she still remembers all too well the terrible feelings after what happened to Carson.
And now that she realized that she mainly simply agreed with him because they were both just using the regs to protect themselves from what could develop between the two of them if they just ignored them, he’s fucking gone.
Her pace quickens again, like she wants to run away from all of that, but she simply can’t. Again and again she curses her heart in head. Why does she have to fall in love with guys whose jobs are anything but ordinary and incorporate the word “dangerous” in the job description? Why couldn’t it have been a ‘Gate technician or one of the scientists not cleared for off-world travel, if it had to be an Atlantis guy?
No, first it had to be the dedicated CMO who would always place himself before his infirmary crew and do all the dangerous stuff himself and then it had to be the military 2IC who got sent on a top-secret mission with their shiny new scout ship, only to disappear from their radar completely. The CMO is back… but now all she wants is the 2IC, and there’s a good chance she won’t ever see him again.
Tears start to mingle with the sweat on her face, and furiously she wipes them away. She’s Lieutenant Laura Cadman, USMC, and she will not cry over a guy. She will not cry at all. She will just keep on running until she can’t put one foot in front of the other anymore. Running away from the burning wish to see him again and the fear she might never get a chance to do so and all the other…
Suddenly, heavy boots can be heard from outside, like someone is coming towards the work-out room at a very fast pace. And heavy boots usually mean soldiers in full gear. And soldiers in full gear… Her training takes over and she gets off the treadmill and runs outside.
But in the moment she enters the corridor, something - someone - heavy slams into her. She wants to give that guy an earful, bust his ass… but doesn’t get to do it, because suddenly she’s pressed against the outside wall of the work-out room and lips are kissing hers, desperately, hungrily, like having had to wait far too long for doing this.
It takes him an eternity to break the kiss, and she savors every little second of it. When she finally lets him break it, he doesn’t say anything, just leans his forehead against hers, breathing heavily. One hand is put against the wall behind her to steady himself, the other one is threaded into her sweaty hair and cupping the back of her head.
She knows that this is the moment she should slap him - first of all for doing something forbidden, then for descending on her like that and then for taking so fucking long to come back home. But all she does is pulling him closer to her and show him that not only zoomies can kiss like there is no tomorrow. As he responds eagerly, there’s only one thought on her mind: Screw the regs, screw her anxiety, screw everything. She won’t run away, not anymore.