FanFic100: #015 Blue
Title: I will stay
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Characters: Cadman/Lorne
Prompt: 015 Blue
Word Count: 1.211
Rating: K+
Summary: The world has been saved again, but she knows of at least one man for whom it could have ended for all he knows.
Author's Notes: First of all, thanks to sg_rarepairings (great story!) and the dormant bunny became a live one. Which produced lots of other little bunnies... so, question: Does anyone want me to do another Fanfic100 piece in this universe or something multi-chaptered? Or none at all? Tell me. And here's the LDT.
I will stay
“If everyone goes away, I will stay
We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.”
Mat Kearney, “Breathe In, Breathe Out”
So the world has been saved by Samantha Carter. Again. But she knows at least two men for whom the world could have ended for all they know. There is, for one, Cameron Mitchell, former war hero, now a broken man. They think people have forgotten about him at the SGC, but at least she hasn’t. She still remembers his laugh and his blue eyes and his self-assuredness that always bordered on cockiness. But they had broken him and she never could get up the courage to seek him out and tell him that she always believed in him. And who was she, anyway? Just one Lieutenant among many. He wouldn’t remember her anyway.
However, there’s also Major Lorne, her new CO. Ever since the Samantha Carter from the alternate reality went back again and left them alone with the void of her presence - their Major Carter truly never made it back - he’d been… different. She had known him from before, when she was on one of the ‘Gate security teams, from all-base briefings, Christmas parties, all the things you see your co-workers at and have small-talk with them.
He’d always been one of those officers that were good sports; not letting the junior ranks feel how much more experienced they were, somehow naturally making them part of the team. He’d also been… well, not exactly the life and soul of every party, but someone who wasn’t averse to a little banter. Kind of quiet, but with a decent sense of humor. Demanding, yes, but that’s to be expected of their most prestigious team’s leader.
And for a few weeks now, she has been part of this team as well. She still has no idea why it was her they chose to fill in the empty spot after Major Carter vanished - she still can’t bring herself to say died, not even in her head - but she had stopped questioning orders too closely already long ago. So she’s on this team and she gets to see Major Lorne up close and personal nearly every day and… it’s getting harder to watch him by the day.
He’s dutiful and demanding and quiet as ever, but there’s something… missing. Like when Carter left, a part of him left as well. She had no idea how close SG1’s two leading officers were, but she knows that they were close. Everyone on the base does, which is why she’s wondering if she’s really the only seeing how much all of this is affecting him… and the only one starting to get worried about it.
Yes, great changes have been happening all around - civil liberties being restored one by one after massive protestations, the US mending their diplomatic fences, both on Earth and in the Galaxy, even martial law being abandoned - but she is almost ashamed to say that for her the grand scheme of things had been… not half as important as what keeps happening in the micro cosmos of her team.
Every time they come back from a mission and he denies all invitations to share a beer with the other two and her, she feels like she’s the only one seeing more behind this than just trying to maintain a professional distance between CO and team. Maybe it’s because the other two came here after the alternative Carter’s big success… and never knew Major Carter and Major Lorne together. She had thought about talking to the guys about this more than once, but she always ended up with deciding against it, because what she really wants to do is talk to Major Lorne.
No, scratch that. She doesn’t want to talk. She wants to shout at him, jump him, anything to make him see that there’s someone who knows he’s missing Major Carter and who cares about him missing Major Carter. Someone who cares about the blue eyes that seem to stare off into space all too often, someone who cares about the quiet suffering radiating off him… someone who can’t bear to see others suffer alone.
She’s been thinking about this for nearly a week now, turning over all pros and cons, weighing her status as the most junior rank on the team and the only woman against the feeling of urgency this is starting to get and about a thousand other things. She’d been trying to find ways to make him talk and see that he doesn’t have to be alone in this, but simply found none. How do you approach someone so infinitely more experienced, so highly decorated, so… unapproachable?
Half the time she feels like she doesn’t even have the right to think about this, because it’s his pain, and his alone and she should just mind her own business. But then… she sees him in the mess hall or in the briefing room or on a mission, and ever so often his gaze would stray or his face would become a mask and she knows that something must have reminded him of Major Carter and of the void she left behind. It shouldn’t stay like this forever that much she knows. In fact… it can’t stay like this forever. The team needs a CO, not just the shell of a man.
With an inarticulate growl, she shoves all her notes and clippings nearly off her desk and makes her half-empty coffee cup tumble to the ground. The sound of it hitting the stone floor and shattering is even somehow satisfactory. And it also kind of wakes her up. Before she knows it, she has stormed through the SGC and knocked on Major Lorne’s door. Giving her no time for second thoughts he answers from inside, and for a moment her courage threatens to leave her right in the lion’s den when he looks up from his paperwork and gives her a look that’s not quite an irritated glare. Everything she’d wanted to say is suddenly lodged firmly in her throat. “Something you wanted to say, Cadman?”
She swallows. It feels like… this is her point of no return. Either she finally pipes up or she’ll be forever forced to watch this man cocooning himself in his pain and building up walls. She takes a deep breath, takes a step forward and sits down in the chair in front of his desk. Before he can point out that he did not offer it to her, she manages to say, “With all due respect, sir… I think we need to talk.”
And he just leans back, somehow having realized immediately that this isn't about a mission report or a request for leave of absence. She’s afraid that he will simply throw her out, but… after a moment where his face looks absolutely inscrutable, he closes his eyes… and nods. As he opens his eyes again, she thinks that for a moment… she saw gratefulness that someone finally forced him to do this in them. Well, she thinks, it’s a start after all.
~*~
TBC in Don't Make a Fuss
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Characters: Cadman/Lorne
Prompt: 015 Blue
Word Count: 1.211
Rating: K+
Summary: The world has been saved again, but she knows of at least one man for whom it could have ended for all he knows.
Author's Notes: First of all, thanks to sg_rarepairings (great story!) and the dormant bunny became a live one. Which produced lots of other little bunnies... so, question: Does anyone want me to do another Fanfic100 piece in this universe or something multi-chaptered? Or none at all? Tell me. And here's the LDT.
I will stay
“If everyone goes away, I will stay
We push and pull
And I fall down sometimes
And I’m not letting go
You hold the other line
Cause there is a light in your eyes, in your eyes.”
Mat Kearney, “Breathe In, Breathe Out”
So the world has been saved by Samantha Carter. Again. But she knows at least two men for whom the world could have ended for all they know. There is, for one, Cameron Mitchell, former war hero, now a broken man. They think people have forgotten about him at the SGC, but at least she hasn’t. She still remembers his laugh and his blue eyes and his self-assuredness that always bordered on cockiness. But they had broken him and she never could get up the courage to seek him out and tell him that she always believed in him. And who was she, anyway? Just one Lieutenant among many. He wouldn’t remember her anyway.
However, there’s also Major Lorne, her new CO. Ever since the Samantha Carter from the alternate reality went back again and left them alone with the void of her presence - their Major Carter truly never made it back - he’d been… different. She had known him from before, when she was on one of the ‘Gate security teams, from all-base briefings, Christmas parties, all the things you see your co-workers at and have small-talk with them.
He’d always been one of those officers that were good sports; not letting the junior ranks feel how much more experienced they were, somehow naturally making them part of the team. He’d also been… well, not exactly the life and soul of every party, but someone who wasn’t averse to a little banter. Kind of quiet, but with a decent sense of humor. Demanding, yes, but that’s to be expected of their most prestigious team’s leader.
And for a few weeks now, she has been part of this team as well. She still has no idea why it was her they chose to fill in the empty spot after Major Carter vanished - she still can’t bring herself to say died, not even in her head - but she had stopped questioning orders too closely already long ago. So she’s on this team and she gets to see Major Lorne up close and personal nearly every day and… it’s getting harder to watch him by the day.
He’s dutiful and demanding and quiet as ever, but there’s something… missing. Like when Carter left, a part of him left as well. She had no idea how close SG1’s two leading officers were, but she knows that they were close. Everyone on the base does, which is why she’s wondering if she’s really the only seeing how much all of this is affecting him… and the only one starting to get worried about it.
Yes, great changes have been happening all around - civil liberties being restored one by one after massive protestations, the US mending their diplomatic fences, both on Earth and in the Galaxy, even martial law being abandoned - but she is almost ashamed to say that for her the grand scheme of things had been… not half as important as what keeps happening in the micro cosmos of her team.
Every time they come back from a mission and he denies all invitations to share a beer with the other two and her, she feels like she’s the only one seeing more behind this than just trying to maintain a professional distance between CO and team. Maybe it’s because the other two came here after the alternative Carter’s big success… and never knew Major Carter and Major Lorne together. She had thought about talking to the guys about this more than once, but she always ended up with deciding against it, because what she really wants to do is talk to Major Lorne.
No, scratch that. She doesn’t want to talk. She wants to shout at him, jump him, anything to make him see that there’s someone who knows he’s missing Major Carter and who cares about him missing Major Carter. Someone who cares about the blue eyes that seem to stare off into space all too often, someone who cares about the quiet suffering radiating off him… someone who can’t bear to see others suffer alone.
She’s been thinking about this for nearly a week now, turning over all pros and cons, weighing her status as the most junior rank on the team and the only woman against the feeling of urgency this is starting to get and about a thousand other things. She’d been trying to find ways to make him talk and see that he doesn’t have to be alone in this, but simply found none. How do you approach someone so infinitely more experienced, so highly decorated, so… unapproachable?
Half the time she feels like she doesn’t even have the right to think about this, because it’s his pain, and his alone and she should just mind her own business. But then… she sees him in the mess hall or in the briefing room or on a mission, and ever so often his gaze would stray or his face would become a mask and she knows that something must have reminded him of Major Carter and of the void she left behind. It shouldn’t stay like this forever that much she knows. In fact… it can’t stay like this forever. The team needs a CO, not just the shell of a man.
With an inarticulate growl, she shoves all her notes and clippings nearly off her desk and makes her half-empty coffee cup tumble to the ground. The sound of it hitting the stone floor and shattering is even somehow satisfactory. And it also kind of wakes her up. Before she knows it, she has stormed through the SGC and knocked on Major Lorne’s door. Giving her no time for second thoughts he answers from inside, and for a moment her courage threatens to leave her right in the lion’s den when he looks up from his paperwork and gives her a look that’s not quite an irritated glare. Everything she’d wanted to say is suddenly lodged firmly in her throat. “Something you wanted to say, Cadman?”
She swallows. It feels like… this is her point of no return. Either she finally pipes up or she’ll be forever forced to watch this man cocooning himself in his pain and building up walls. She takes a deep breath, takes a step forward and sits down in the chair in front of his desk. Before he can point out that he did not offer it to her, she manages to say, “With all due respect, sir… I think we need to talk.”
And he just leans back, somehow having realized immediately that this isn't about a mission report or a request for leave of absence. She’s afraid that he will simply throw her out, but… after a moment where his face looks absolutely inscrutable, he closes his eyes… and nods. As he opens his eyes again, she thinks that for a moment… she saw gratefulness that someone finally forced him to do this in them. Well, she thinks, it’s a start after all.
~*~
TBC in Don't Make a Fuss