FanFic100: #065 Passing
Mh, that’s how she likes it, even without snow. Or trees outside that could be covered in it, come to think of it. Anyway, there’s a Christmas tree inside, and it even has lights and decoration… though she has no idea who’s responsible for getting this thing to Atlantis. The whole room is sporting Christmas decoration from different cultural and national backgrounds. There’s even some Hanukkah decoration and some stuff she can’t really identify.
But what’s most important is that people are having fun here, sitting and standing around the room, talking, laughing, joking… enjoying Christmas even though they’re all a very long way from home. For example in a corner opposite to her, there’s Teyla listening to a group of scientists and soldiers telling her about their respective national and regional Christmas traditions. There are some of the Sergeants in another corner looking at pictures Wilkinson is showing around. She suspects they all show his one year old daughter.
At the buffet table, Rodney and Zelenka are bickering about one thing or the other, but it looks more like two friends teasing each other, not like… “Enjoying the party, ma’am?” She blinks. Oh. Sergeant Meyers, her partner in crime in roping Colonels Carter and Sheppard into allowing this party for the staff. She’d been a little surprised to find such a willing accomplice in him when she let a comment about missing Christmas atmosphere slip, but he’s done a great job in subtly organizing the Atlantis people to convince Carter and Sheppard that this would be a great idea.
“Absolutely, Sergeant. Good job.” He smiles.
“Thanks, ma’am. It’s really turned out great.” There’s a pause, but she can sense that something’s bugging him.
“I can already hear a but coming, Sergeant.” He rubs his neck a little sheepishly.
“Yeah, well, it’s just that… don’t you think there are some people missing here?” She takes a look around. Mh… well, for instance Colonel Carter is absent, but that’s because her shift started half an hour ago. Before that, she graced the party for an hour with her presence, and somehow she’s sure they’ll see her at least once or twice before this is over here. And yeah, Dr. Keller isn’t here as well, but she left a while ago with Ronon, because… she has no idea why they left, but both were definitely here before.
“Sure. Someone… in particular you’re missing?” Meyers shrugs to look as if he’s only making a casual observation, but she just has this feeling that he’s got an agenda.
“Well… the boss isn’t here. And I haven’t seen him at all for the last three days. It’s a bit like he disappeared.” The boss? Who… oh, right. Major Lorne, Meyers’ team leader. Come to think of it… Meyers is right. Ever since they returned from the mission on the snow planet - the one she has secretly dubbed ‘The Thing with the Snow Bank’ - the Major seems to have vanished from the city. That is a bit strange, and she wonders if that has anything to do with what happened in the snow. But nah… that’s stupid, isn’t it? She sighs without a sound.
“Know what? I was about to go to my quarters to get some music anyway. If I happen to stumble over the Major, I’ll tell him it would be nice of him to drop by here. How’s that?” Deep satisfaction shortly shows through on Meyers’ face before he carefully reverts to straight-faced.
“Sounds like a plan, ma’am.” She nods.
“Be right back.” With that, she leaves the mess hall, with every intention of simply walking to her quarters and back, because she really doesn’t believe she’ll run into Major Lorne when he has made himself scarce for the last three days. But when she exits the transporter and rounds the bend… she suddenly sees him standing on one of the balconies near her quarters. She’s very close to simply passing him by and continuing to her quarters, but then again… she kind of promised Meyers. Taking a deep breath, she steps onto the balcony.
She clears her throat as not to startle the Major leaning on the railing. He turns around and for a moment his face lights up, but then he carefully schools it back to stoic. She gives him a lopsided grin. “And here I thought you found an Ancient device that could make you invisible, sir.”
“Shouldn’t you be at that party down in the mess hall?” Does she detect a note of annoyance in his voice? And she knows she should probably leave him alone, but there’s something about him… something about the way he reacts to everything having to do with Christmas that makes her suspect… something’s up with him.
“Oh, I was. Just felt that… they were lacking the appropriate music.” And your Sergeant asked me to find you for some reason I can’t fathom, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to tell you that.
“And you…?” A little questioning, he raises his eyebrow, obviously slowly getting that he wouldn’t get rid of her that fast.
“And I just happen to have some stashed away.” Mh. Okay, that’s still no explanation as to why she suddenly appeared here, which shows clearly in his clueless face. She has to suppress a grin. “My quarters are around the corner. I just stumbled upon you, sir. And seeing that you practically disappeared after the last mission…”
“You thought you had to check if I wasn’t just a figment of your imagination?” She has to grin at his totally straight-faced answer and the slight ironic undertone in his voice.
“Something like that, yeah.” And now… something she maybe shouldn’t do, but she was never one for the stealthy approach anyway. “So… barring that fact that you aren’t… you know, it would be nice if you dropped by “that party” in the mess hall.” He’s about to say something about that, but she just pretends she didn’t see that. “Look, sir, Colonel Carter and Colonel Sheppard have already put in an appearance - actually, Colonel Sheppard is still enjoying himself quite a bit - and I think it would do the base’s morale good if his 2IC would appear there as well. Just… for a few minutes?” Argh. She hadn’t wanted to sound questioningly, but lately that seems to happen quite often in his vicinity. Like it suddenly matters just a tad more what he will answer to such stuff than what other senior ranks answer.
For a while he doesn’t say anything, and she’s already afraid that she said too much, was too forward… overstepped boundaries. And Major Lorne is not an officer who tolerates this. When she’s almost ready to apologize and beat a hasty retreat, he shortly looks down and then takes a deep breath. “Lieutenant… I understand your reasoning. But… believe me, I wouldn’t be very nice company right now. I don’t think I’d do much to raise morale.”
Yeah, well, not that this wasn’t apparent already. But at least that gave her an opening, and in true Cadman-style she doesn’t think much, just asks, “Sir… is everything okay?” Dammit. As if he would actually answer her.
He takes his time with answering her, but she’s willing to take the risk of having angered him, because if she’s honest she was a little worried. She has no idea why, but his disappearance in the last few days made her think, and not only because she still hasn’t found out what could possibly have brought him to jump her back on that snow planet. Finally, he looks at her, trying to keep up the mask of dutiful soldier. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Okay. Yeah. That was to be expected. But still… “It’s just that… I kind of… lost that Christmas spirit a while ago.” He… what?
Even she - always blunt and a little insensitive - can sense that there’s more behind that and that somehow… he wants to talk about that but doesn’t really know it himself. She has to suppress a sigh. Something like this is really not her forte. Kate Heightmeyer and Teyla Emmagan are both geniuses when it comes to help people talk about stuff that’s difficult for them, but she? Ah hell. It’s worth a try, isn’t it? “You know… I’d listen, sir. And I wouldn’t blab about it. If you… if you want to talk about it, that is.”
A little surprised he looks at her. Then a little resigned half-smile grazes his face. “I won’t get out of it anyway, will I?”
“’Fraid not, sir.” Come to think of it… it’s true. It’s Christmas and she just can’t bear seeing people downcast at Christmas. And she kind of likes the guy on a personal level, even though he’s her CO and probably her complete opposite. Oh well… and she can’t get the short moment in the snow bank out of her head, where he’d looked at her as if he just saw something he never saw before… and liked it.
He laughs a humorless little laugh and rubs a hand over his eyes. “Fine… but no blabbing, right? It’s a promise, Lieutenant.” She nods a little too eagerly, which makes him smile just for a moment. “It’s… two things, mostly. One is that… okay, that’s really stupid.” She shakes her head.
“No, it’s not, sir. I mean, I don’t know what this is going to be about, but it’s got you tied in knots, so it’s got to be anything but stupid.” The Major looks at her a little skeptically, but obviously something in what she just said makes him continue talking.
“Tied in knots, huh?” Yeah, pretty much. She could tell him now that even she can see the subtle signs, like he’s leaning onto the rail as if he needs something strong to support him and that he can’t keep his hands still. But she also knows that getting in an argument about body language won’t get her very far. So she just confirms it with a little apologetic shrug. “Alright. I just miss… family Christmas. I’ve got a sister and two nephews and I haven’t seen them in ages, just like my parents and… I know they have to celebrate just another Christmas without me, not even knowing where I actually am. Always makes me wish I hadn’t taken a permanent posting here.” She wants to tell him that she fully understands and that missing one’s family is not stupid. But he’s obviously not done yet. “Don’t get me wrong, Lieutenant… I know what an honor it is to serve here and generally I enjoy it, but… sometimes…”
She so wants to put a hand on his tightly wound fingers or on his shoulder and make the demons that are obviously plaguing him go away. She also knows, though, that she just got something that maybe no one apart from her will ever get here: An insight into the mind of one of most important and maybe most private people in this city. That makes her feel kind of… special, and she doesn’t want to spoil that with a step too fast. So she just nods and says, “I know, sir. Believe me, I do. I have family back on Earth and… half the time I want to apologize to them for missing out so much on everyone’s life.” However, this is not about her. “Anyway… what’s the second thing?”
Ha. He didn’t think she’d remember that, huh? “Good perception, Lieutenant.” Hey, it’s not like he said that a month ago, okay? “Never thought Marines where capable of that.” What the…? He grins at her, and that’s a sight that makes her heart melt a little, as she gets to see it up close and personal.
Still… no one insults a Marine’s perceptiveness like that. “No diverting my attention, Major.”
“Did you recognize that attempt because you’re a Marine or because you’re a woman?” And another glimpse of a persona so completely different from what he shows them when he’s on duty. She got the first on that snow planet, and it kind of caught her totally off-guard, just like it does now. Something of that must have shown through, because he doesn’t revert back to this very serious way of his.
“Anyway… the second thing… a year ago… my last girlfriend kind of walked out on me. Well, as much as you can walk out on someone who’s a galaxy away from you, that is.” Instead it’s replaced by a kind of ironic, distanced manner of speaking… and she’s listened enough to Kate’s talk about the human psyche that she has the feeling that this hurt him much more than he lets on.
It still kind of surprises her to hear that. Not that she doubted he would get female attention… she just automatically had assumed that he was married to his work and would always stay that way. But yeah, of course that had been foolish. That someone doesn’t talk about a significant other doesn’t mean he doesn’t have one. Or had one. “Oh… I wouldn’t want to be reminded of something like that either. Did she… did she give a reason?” She’s come so far now, it almost seems natural she asks him questions she would have never asked on any other day.
And it seems like he decided to tolerate her prying, even though she doesn’t know why. “Said she didn’t want to wait another year until I would get a stateside posting.” However… he has gone back to the hands twisting and the not looking at her.
“Well… it is hard for our people at home.” He sighs. Of course he knows that. Colonel Sheppard and he are the ones having to deal with Sergeants in divorce lawsuits, Lieutenants whose grandparents died, Captains who have to wait three months to see the first pictures of their newborn kids…
“Yeah, well, turned out she’d already… found someone else to fill my position and wanted to spare me the heartache of telling me that. You know, with Christmas around the corner and everything.” What a… bitch, is her first thought, and the fierceness of that shocks her a little. But honestly… how could a woman cheat on this man? She’d really love to meet this stupid cow of a woman and smack her a good one for doing this.
So she can’t help mumbling, “Then she didn’t deserve you in the first place anyway.”
“Pardon, Lieutenant?” Argh. He heard that. He had to. She looks away to avoid him seeing her blushing.
“Nothing. I just… nothing.”
“Uh-huh. And anyway… I don’t know why I’m even telling you this, Lieutenant.” Dammit. He just realized who she is and who he is and what their respective positions are.
She knows she should just let it lie here, leave this balcony and try to keep out of his sight for at least half a year. But her mouth is faster than her head. “Because it’s Christmas, of course. The time where miracles are most likely to happen.”
For some reason… that makes him show a reluctant half-smile. “A miracle would be if I could be home for Christmas.”
Home… she wonders if he doesn’t want to or really can’t see it. She clears her throat. “Sir… please don’t get off on me, but… I think you are home.”
And here they go. Shaking his head, he wants to start, “Lieutenant…”
But something in her tells her not to let him say whatever he was about to say. “No, no, wait. Let me finish. Please? This could be home as well… if you let it. First step… could be showing your face at the party.”
At first it looks like he’s going to bust her back to Private for interrupting him and for still not giving up on the whole party-thing. But it’s true. Showing up wouldn’t only be good for the base’s morale… it would also do wonders to his morale, she’s sure of that. Even if it was just to distract him from what that idiot woman did to him a year ago. She sneaks him a look again and is surprised to see him heaving a resigned sigh. “You’ll never give up, will you?” She… can’t believe that. She just won him over. How the… no, better not ask. Just savor.
“Nope, not a chance.” She can’t help looking smug now. She knows she should be ashamed of how she invaded her superior’s privacy, but there just was something about him she couldn’t bear to see, and most of all not on Christmas.
“I was afraid you’d say that. Alright… ten minutes, Lieutenant.” A victorious grin is stealing itself on her face. “Ten minutes. Not one minute more. Did I make myself clear?” She nods, maybe again a little too eagerly to be fully convincing.
“Crystal, sir.” So it’s settled. She’s so relieved she got him to stop ostracizing himself from the rest of the city that she even forgets going to her quarters and get some music. Instead they just walk back to the mess hall, miraculously never lapsing into uncomfortable silence as she relates to him what already happened, who already embarrassed him- or herself, who left early with whom, who didn’t… they are so engrossed in talking that they don’t even notice the Marine lurking in the shadows around the lift on the mess hall’s level tapping his earpiece and radioing someone secretly.
Which is why they are absolutely surprised to see the whole room turning to them as they enter the mess hall. A kind of expectant silence greets them as the chatter ceases and everyone looks at them. What the…? A leaf suddenly lands at her feet and both she and the Major look up to see… something with leaves and berries hanging overhead. Major Lorne is the first one to break the silence as he asks no one in particular, “What… is that supposed to be?”
“The local equivalent of mistletoe, I believe, sir.” Meyers helpfully as ever tells him. This… just isn’t happening, right?
The Major looks a lot like he just echoed her thought as he turns to her and slightly purses his lips. “Well…”
She feels her eyes glued to his lips, looking a lot like back on that snow planet, when he seemed to be unable to tear his eyes off her. Without even registering it she mirrors the lips pursing. “Well…”
~*~
TBC in Happy New Year.