Fic: Protect and Survive: Not Like I Expected It (Stargate)
Title: Not Like I Expected It
Fandom: Stargate
Rating: K+
Genres: gen, bits of het
Recipient: mackenziesmomma
Prompt: Stargate, Kassandra Wilson, that time her laptop broke and she gave it Viking Funeral Rites
Summary: An in-depth look at how SOPs in Atlantis are created.
A/N: Holiday Fic Request Meme. For mackenziesmomma, part of my Protect and Survive series but I think it can even stand alone. The format is not quite the usual one but it just felt to be the right one. Hope you like it :)
Not Like I Expected It
“After all, well isn't this just a momentary thing?
It's not like I expected it,
Or any heavy thing.”
Something Happens, “Momentary Thing”
„Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“No.”
“Then why do you want to do something that’s going to land us in a holding cell or maybe shot dead from one of the environmental scientists?”
“Hey, if you’re so chicken, why did you agree to arrange this? Also, why am I even dating you?”
“I can’t believe this is happening again.”
“I can’t believe you still think I only date you for your boyish good looks and your aw, shucks, ma’am attitude.”
“Actually, I still can’t believe I am dating you at all.”
“That sounded more like an insult than anything else.”
“Jesus… effing Christ…”
“You’re cute when you try to swear without swear words.”
“Kassandra…”
“Yes?”
“Are you going to burn the damn thing or not?”
“Oh, okay, of course. Ahem… Brother Laptop, you were the best companion I ever had…”
“Excuse me?”
“…and I will miss you sorely.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. It’s a laptop, for Heaven’s sake. It’s just a machine.”
“Will you just shut up for a minute? I’m having a moment here.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake…”
“Brother Laptop, please excuse this infidel next to me. He has no sense of propriety and no piety, either. Apparently, he never lost a laptop as great as you and if he would just stop groaning for a moment, we could get this over with a lot faster.”
“I was not…”
“Not that I want to get rid of you but we are a little behind schedule. Anyway…”
“Kassandra.”
“...I will miss you and I hope your successor is as faithful, trusty and hard-working as you. I’m sorry I didn’t see you had a screwed up mother drive earlier and I’m sorry that I had to gut you but I really did need that data. Thank you for your faithful service. Fare thee well.”
“Now could you please just light the thing up and get done with it?”
“Yeah, yeah… wait a moment… ah, it’s working.”
“Wow. I don’t think I ever saw a laptop burn before.”
“Awesome, isn’t it? It was Captain Cadman’s idea to use…”
“I don’t think I even wanna know.”
“Spoilsport.”
“But you love me anyway.”
“Most of the time, anyway.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that… oh, wait, I gotta… yeah, better. Let’s wave farewell to Brother Laptop for a moment and then.. you know.”
“Get the hell back in because it’s going to be raining down in sheets in a few minutes?”
“Yeah, that. Bye, bye, Brother Laptop!”
“Whatever.”
“Pfft.”
“Pfft, yourself.”
From: mckay@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov
CC: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov, moore@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: Atlantis is full of idiots
John,
It has come to my attention that one of your junior officers and an IT technician burned a laptop off the South Pier and apparently did not clear it with my environmental scientists. So far, no one seems to have taken notice of it but as soon as they will, I’ll just direct them to you, Lorne and Moore so you can deal with a bunch of overzealous tree huggers that want to skewer those idiots.
Rodney
From: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: mckay@sgc.atlantis.gov
CC: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov, moore@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: Don’t get your panties in a twist
Rodney,
The junior officer in question was LT Joe Simmons, the technician was Kassandra Wilson and they cleared the Viking funeral for Ms. Wilson’s laptop both with me, Lorne, your tree huggers (who object to the term and will probably want an audience with you in the next couple of days. Be prepared.) and everyone else they needed to clear it with. There was no contamination whatsoever because they burned the laptop in a container and reeled it back to the pier after it was done burning. We agreed because Ms. Wilson is the most persuasive person I ever met and honestly, no one wants to deal with Joe Simmons running around all sad puppy because his girlfriend made him sleep on the couch. Snap out of it and leave them alone.
John
From: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov
CC: moore@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: Rodney will never stop hating us now
John,
Hinting to the environmental scientists that Rodney thinks of them as a bunch of hippies with no real scientific value was genius. I bow to your criminal brilliance. But please inform the entire Atlantis community next time anyone is going to take a stand against Dr. Mckay. They’ll appreciate it. Also, maybe we should consider making laptop Viking funerals an option for everyone. Laura says she knows a bunch of people who’d appreciate it. Let’s put that on the agenda for our next staff meeting with Mr. Woolsey.
Evan
From: woolsey@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: stafflist@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: PSA re: laptop Viking funerals
Dear Staff,
As of today, Viking funerals for laptops and possibly other electronic equipment is officially allowed. If you wish to give your deceased equipment a decent farewell, you are asked to contact Dr. Eskol at Environmental Science for further details, suitable containers and schedules and CPT Laura Cadman for workable incentives. Please be advised that illegal Viking funerals for any kind of equipment are still illegal and will be prosecuted as such.
Richard Woolsey
“Looks like we started a trend.”
“That is kinda scary.”
“Yeah. But hey, we started a trend.”
“Kassandra?”
“Yes?”
“That’s why I’m dating you. You are the most ingenious, intelligent, inventive…”
“Shut up, and kiss me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Fandom: Stargate
Rating: K+
Genres: gen, bits of het
Recipient: mackenziesmomma
Prompt: Stargate, Kassandra Wilson, that time her laptop broke and she gave it Viking Funeral Rites
Summary: An in-depth look at how SOPs in Atlantis are created.
A/N: Holiday Fic Request Meme. For mackenziesmomma, part of my Protect and Survive series but I think it can even stand alone. The format is not quite the usual one but it just felt to be the right one. Hope you like it :)
Not Like I Expected It
“After all, well isn't this just a momentary thing?
It's not like I expected it,
Or any heavy thing.”
Something Happens, “Momentary Thing”
„Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
“No.”
“Then why do you want to do something that’s going to land us in a holding cell or maybe shot dead from one of the environmental scientists?”
“Hey, if you’re so chicken, why did you agree to arrange this? Also, why am I even dating you?”
“I can’t believe this is happening again.”
“I can’t believe you still think I only date you for your boyish good looks and your aw, shucks, ma’am attitude.”
“Actually, I still can’t believe I am dating you at all.”
“That sounded more like an insult than anything else.”
“Jesus… effing Christ…”
“You’re cute when you try to swear without swear words.”
“Kassandra…”
“Yes?”
“Are you going to burn the damn thing or not?”
“Oh, okay, of course. Ahem… Brother Laptop, you were the best companion I ever had…”
“Excuse me?”
“…and I will miss you sorely.”
“I can’t believe this is happening. It’s a laptop, for Heaven’s sake. It’s just a machine.”
“Will you just shut up for a minute? I’m having a moment here.”
“Oh for Christ’s sake…”
“Brother Laptop, please excuse this infidel next to me. He has no sense of propriety and no piety, either. Apparently, he never lost a laptop as great as you and if he would just stop groaning for a moment, we could get this over with a lot faster.”
“I was not…”
“Not that I want to get rid of you but we are a little behind schedule. Anyway…”
“Kassandra.”
“...I will miss you and I hope your successor is as faithful, trusty and hard-working as you. I’m sorry I didn’t see you had a screwed up mother drive earlier and I’m sorry that I had to gut you but I really did need that data. Thank you for your faithful service. Fare thee well.”
“Now could you please just light the thing up and get done with it?”
“Yeah, yeah… wait a moment… ah, it’s working.”
“Wow. I don’t think I ever saw a laptop burn before.”
“Awesome, isn’t it? It was Captain Cadman’s idea to use…”
“I don’t think I even wanna know.”
“Spoilsport.”
“But you love me anyway.”
“Most of the time, anyway.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that… oh, wait, I gotta… yeah, better. Let’s wave farewell to Brother Laptop for a moment and then.. you know.”
“Get the hell back in because it’s going to be raining down in sheets in a few minutes?”
“Yeah, that. Bye, bye, Brother Laptop!”
“Whatever.”
“Pfft.”
“Pfft, yourself.”
From: mckay@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov
CC: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov, moore@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: Atlantis is full of idiots
John,
It has come to my attention that one of your junior officers and an IT technician burned a laptop off the South Pier and apparently did not clear it with my environmental scientists. So far, no one seems to have taken notice of it but as soon as they will, I’ll just direct them to you, Lorne and Moore so you can deal with a bunch of overzealous tree huggers that want to skewer those idiots.
Rodney
From: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: mckay@sgc.atlantis.gov
CC: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov, moore@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: Don’t get your panties in a twist
Rodney,
The junior officer in question was LT Joe Simmons, the technician was Kassandra Wilson and they cleared the Viking funeral for Ms. Wilson’s laptop both with me, Lorne, your tree huggers (who object to the term and will probably want an audience with you in the next couple of days. Be prepared.) and everyone else they needed to clear it with. There was no contamination whatsoever because they burned the laptop in a container and reeled it back to the pier after it was done burning. We agreed because Ms. Wilson is the most persuasive person I ever met and honestly, no one wants to deal with Joe Simmons running around all sad puppy because his girlfriend made him sleep on the couch. Snap out of it and leave them alone.
John
From: lorne@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: sheppard@sgc.atlantis.gov
CC: moore@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: Rodney will never stop hating us now
John,
Hinting to the environmental scientists that Rodney thinks of them as a bunch of hippies with no real scientific value was genius. I bow to your criminal brilliance. But please inform the entire Atlantis community next time anyone is going to take a stand against Dr. Mckay. They’ll appreciate it. Also, maybe we should consider making laptop Viking funerals an option for everyone. Laura says she knows a bunch of people who’d appreciate it. Let’s put that on the agenda for our next staff meeting with Mr. Woolsey.
Evan
From: woolsey@sgc.atlantis.gov
To: stafflist@sgc.atlantis.gov
Re: PSA re: laptop Viking funerals
Dear Staff,
As of today, Viking funerals for laptops and possibly other electronic equipment is officially allowed. If you wish to give your deceased equipment a decent farewell, you are asked to contact Dr. Eskol at Environmental Science for further details, suitable containers and schedules and CPT Laura Cadman for workable incentives. Please be advised that illegal Viking funerals for any kind of equipment are still illegal and will be prosecuted as such.
Richard Woolsey
“Looks like we started a trend.”
“That is kinda scary.”
“Yeah. But hey, we started a trend.”
“Kassandra?”
“Yes?”
“That’s why I’m dating you. You are the most ingenious, intelligent, inventive…”
“Shut up, and kiss me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”