FanFic100: #004 Insides
She doesn’t want to go back to where Laura is waiting since Katie brought her here… or rather dragged her here. She knows she has to eventually but she really doesn’t want to. She has run the tests four times now and they always have the same results and that’s the reason why she doesn’t want to go back out there. They will devastate or at least seriously disturb Laura - even though she has the distinct feeling that deep down Laura already knows the results - and she doesn’t want to do that to a friend.
But she’s also Laura’s doctor and she can’t keep lingering on here for all eternity because by now Laura will be burning with impatience. She also has other patients she needs to attend to… and besides quite technically the news she has to bring Laura is good. Drawing a deep breath, she pciks up her datapad again and makes her way to the gurney she left Laura sitting on. She had drawn the curtain around her because she had had the feeling that Laura would want some privacy.
When she opens the curtain Laura looks up and she can tell that she tries to look like nothing could disturb her but she knows her too well to really believe that. Underneath the bravado and the levity, Laura is terribly nervous and just plain miserable. For a moment, she doesn’t know what to say, so she stalls a little by meticulously closing the curtain again. But then she really can’t escape it anymore and clears her throat. “Well… seems like your tour is going to end prematurely.”
At that, she sees Laura opening her mouth to quip something back but then swallowing, as if she has an especially big lump in her throat and instantly she’s sorry for breaking the news to her like that. Damn, her bedside manner used to be better. Telling a career soldier like Laura that her tour is going to end… not really clever. She hastens to add, “I’m sorry, Laura.” And she really is. She’d love to be happy for Laura but the way she reacts… this was certainly not planned. “But… you know as well as I that pregnant soldiers aren’t allowed to serve on… what do you call them? Forward operating bases?”
All Laura does is nod. Of course she knows that. They even once talked about wanting kids and Laura told her that she’d love to have some, but that at the moment it was much more important for her to be here and do all the extraordinary stuff she gets to do here. And then she had shrugged and said that even if she wanted to have kids now she didn’t know a guy she could have them with, anyway. Which is why, quite frankly, the test results surprised her.
She waits for an answer from Laura but all she gets is a “Yeah, I know,” through gritted teeth. Also Laura’s posture has become quite rigid and her knuckles have turned white because she’s gripping the railing of the gurney very hard. Her face has turned an unnatural pallor and that tells her that Laura is possibly about to get sick. For some reason… she doesn’t think that it has to do with the pregnancy, or at least not with how her body reacts to it. Most probably, it’s more about how Laura’s mind reacts to her.
Usually… usually she wouldn’t outright suggest it but this is her friend… and she takes pity on her. “You know… there’s still the possibility of… well…”
But even before she gets to actually finish that thought, Laura fiercely cuts in, “No. No way I’ll do that.” The suddenness and fierceness of it surprises and even shocks her because until now she thought it was simply about Laura’s career and because Laura never struck her as someone overly religious or conservative. She wonders… where this decision comes from but has the feeling that Laura wouldn’t tell her anyway.
So she forces herself not to dwell on it, clears her throat and says, “Alright, it’s your decision. Well then… I need to do some more tests and then I’ll send the report to Sam, Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne…”
Laura’s very expressive face tells her very clearly that something about what she just said does not agree with her and it just adds to her confusion. It also makes the question about this baby’s father become more pressing. She knows she shouldn’t ask and that it’s not her business anyway but she can’t help wondering.
Before she can get to that, though, Laura beats her to it, asking, “Jennifer… can I ask you a favor?”
Confused she looks at Laura. Where is this going? “Uh… sure. Well, as long as it’s nothing illegal, you know.”
“Actually… it’s not illegal per se. It’s just that… could you wait with the reports until I’ve talked to Colonel Carter and Colonel Sheppard?” A little warily and hesitantly she nods. She can understand that, at least - Laura wanting to talk to Sam and John first, to make herself understood. Laura takes another deep breath. Uh-oh. “And… and could you please… not give any report to Major Lorne?”
What the hell? Laura isn't really demanding of her that she withhold such information from one of her COs, is she? She’s really been long enough in Atlantis to know enough about the military that this is not actually standard procedure. “Laura, I said nothing illegal!”
“And it’s not! I mean… not really. Look, Jennifer… I’ve got a good reason for asking that.” A good reason… could it be that…? Nah, that’s impossible, isn't it? So what else… Determined to get her answer, she crosses her arms and throws Laura a stern look.
“Yeah, that is a reason I’d really like to know.” Laura starts to look really uncomfortable and she starts to feel sympathetic again. Something about this whole pregnancy thing really gets to her and she’s almost positive that’s it not just about her career. Another hint is that Laura swallows again but instead of giving her an answer; suddenly tears start to spill over her cheeks.
Okay, that is really disturbing. As long as she has known Laura, she has never seen her crying. Not in the worst of situations. Never. Not with an arrow stuck in her thigh, not when she was only barely alive when she got delivered into the infirmary… never. When she hears something very close to a sob come from Laura, she knows this isn't a doctor’s job anymore. What Laura now needs is a friend.
She sits down beside Laura and for lack of a better idea; she puts her arm around Laura’s shoulder and hugs her close. Somehow she knows the key to Laura’s misery is in the reason why she shouldn’t tell Major Lorne and so she says softly, “Tell me, Laura. Not as your doctor, but as your friend. I promise, I won’t tell anyone… just tell me why Major Lorne shouldn’t get this report.”
Laura doesn’t respond immediately, but heaves another almost sob and seems to be very hesitant about it. Then, after endless moments of obvious contemplation she finally says, very, very softly, “He… he’s the father, Jen. That’s why he shouldn’t… he can’t know about it.”
That… is impossible. It’s just impossible. Laura and Major Lorne… just no. He’s her superior and Laura would never be so stupid as to sleep with one of those. And Major Lorne would never sleep with one of his soldiers. Right?
Right. He would never sleep with one of his soldiers… unless he happens to be attracted to them, maybe. Like, for example, he was attracted to Laura at Captain Hayley’s birthday party - she’s still not sure if anything didn’t happen between them after Major Lorne had half dragged her to her quarters - or just every time she watched them together or… two weeks ago. Dr. Ariano’s three year anniversary in Atlantis. Of course; she should have known. Right in the moment the test results told her Laura is about two weeks along… She can’t help but burst out, “God, Laura! He has to know!”
But Laura just shakes her head, still trying to wipe away the tears that just won’t stop. “No. Look, Jen… it was my mistake and it’s enough that my career is practically at its end. And … God, just think what it would do to his career if somehow got out that he screwed a junior officer.” She finally starts to get an inkling as to why Laura is so strictly against terminating this pregnancy now. If she got that right, the thing between Laura and Major Lorne was just a one-night stand - it had to be, considering that she hasn’t seen them interacting with each other for two full weeks… exactly since the morning after Dr. Ariano’s party - and it wasn’t entirely intentional. She probably thinks that it may have been her mistake but that the kid isn't to blame.
But that’s still no reason to keep Major Lorne from knowing about this. “Still… Laura, I don’t think he’d give you a hard time.” It’s true. Major Lorne always struck her as a very honorable man. In fact… in fact Laura probably stumbled over one of the very few men where it could turn out to be a very fortunate thing to get accidentally pregnant from.
However, Laura shakes her head. “It’s not about giving me a hard time, Jen. It’s about him getting in trouble because of a mistake I made. I knew everything is always a little mixed up when I get back from Earth and that it always takes a few weeks for contraception to work properly again. I’m just such an idiot.” What surprises her is that… Laura thinks she was an idiot because she didn’t think of the risks… not because she slept with Major Lorne. She wonders if Laura even noticed that.
It’s also one more reason why she thinks Laura should tell the Major. She just has the feeling that she shouldn’t actually say that because Laura doesn’t seem to be in the shape or in the mood to discuss her feelings for a certain Major so she needs another reason she can bring up. “Laura… most of all he has a right to know that he’s going to be a father. And If I were you… I’d be happy about all the support I can get.”
That makes Laura snort and give a little humorless laugh. “Can’t expect support when I ruined his career, don’t you think?” She wonders what exactly makes Laura think that Major Lorne’s career would be ruined with this. Granted, there’s this whole non-fraternization issue… but wouldn’t there be a way around all of that? There has to be… doesn’t there? And the other thing that confuses her is why Laura is so very concerned about the Major’s career… almost more concerned than about her own.
Oh, well. “Laura… what’s this whole thing with his career? Shouldn’t it be his decision what he does about it?”
Fervently, she shakes her head. “No, Jen, you just don’t get it.” No, she certainly doesn’t. “I… okay, we made a mistake. A little one… being drunk, flirting, ending up in his quarters… you know the drill. None of that would have been really a problem - well, apart from the fact that we ruined a good working relationship and something like a friendship - because we were both responsible for it and we both knew the preconditions.”
Okay, so far she can follow. She nods and warily indicates for Laura to continue. “Becoming pregnant… was not part of the plan. And… he didn’t know it could happen. I told him I’m on the pill and I just… I forgot about the whole mix-up thing. Ruining your career knowing full well what you’re doing… okay. Having your career ruined because someone forgot to think… not okay.” Right. She thinks she knows what Laura’s problem ist. In Laura’s mind, Major Lorne isn't responsible. The only one responsible is herself and… could it be that she feels ashamed? Could it be that Laura the Great - self-assured, cocky, audacious - is horrified at the thought of having made a mistake that might affect someone else as well?
And it seems as if she’s very determined to go through with this - keep the child, but tell no one who the father is, not even the father himself. She’s positive that this is a hell of a mistake and that Laura and Major Lorne could find a way, if Laura wasn’t so damn fixated on being a martyr here and shouldering all the blame alone. But as it is… sometimes she has to accept other people’s decision, both as a friend and as a doctor. She sighs. “Laura… just for the record: I think you’re making a mistake here. However, I’ll… I’ll do this. Because you’re a friend and I don’t let friends down. Just… promise you will think this over. Some day… this kid might start asking question about his or her father.”
That was a low blow, she knows it, but she’s a bit of a romantic and a sucker for happy endings… and she wants this happy ending for her friend so very much. She just hopes that this last remark might serve to make Laura think. Indeed, it makes Laura heave a long sigh. “Let… that be my concern, okay? Look, I do appreciate what you do for me and I’ll never forget it but… there will be no thinking this over.”
Laura wipes her hand over her face and obviously feels like she needs to add something, “Jen… he’s my antithesis. He never makes a wrong step,” except hopping into bed with one his subordinates, she wants to say, but Laura doesn’t let her cut in, “he’s… he’s Mr. UCMJ Personified,” yeah, he was, until you came along, is her thought at that, “he’s got a brilliant career in front of him. I guess, my big mouth would prevent any real advancement, so it’s not that much of a loss.” Laura shrugs at that and tries very hard to appear casual about it all… and it hurts her to hear her friend talk like that. There’s no way Laura can disguise how this very unexpected change in her life affects her and she wishes Laura would be honest about it so she could comfort her.
So she feels compelled to at least try, “Laura…” you know, that’s not true, she wants to say but Laura doesn’t let her.
“God, Jen, please don’t tell anyone but… it would break my heart at least a little if he couldn’t be what he’s meant to be because of me.” And finally everything makes perfect sense. It’s not what she expected to hear but it explains a lot. It also makes her heart ache even more for her friend because it’s clear that Laura thinks that she means nothing to Major Lorne - maybe that’s even true and maybe it’s just her inner romantic but something tells her that Laura might be wrong with her assessment - and that he would look down on her for what happened, blame her or maybe even hate her for it.
She wishes she could make Laura see that things might not be how she thinks they are and that she should give herself a few days to calm down… but once Laura made a decision, she sticks with it, especially with this kind of decision. She gives her friend another comforting hug. “It’s gonna be okay. It might not look like it right now but I’m sure things will right themselves.” And for a fleeting moment she has a very evil thought… maybe she promised not to give Major Lorne her report… but she never said she wouldn’t talk to him about this.
There’s another deep breath from Laura and then she straightens up, every inch a Marine again. “Right. Of course. Now… I better talk to Colonels Carter and Sheppard, huh?” Yeah, gone is the vulnerable, insecure young woman, replaced by the usual big-mouthed, no-nonsense Marine. She resists a sigh.
“Yeah, probably. Tell me when you’re done so I can give them the report, huh?” Laura nods and turns to leave the cubicle.
“Sure. And… it’s a promise, Jen. No report, no talking… no nothing.” Damn, there goes her opportunity at being a good fairy. Oh well, she’ll find another one, she’s sure of that. Laura might think everything’s cleared but this isn't over yet.
However, better not draw any attention to that now. “I promise, Laura. But if you change your mind…”
“I won’t.” Okay, it was worth a try. “Anyway… thanks, Jen. For… everything.” She nods and with that, Laura finally turns to go. And in her head… she’s already fervently going through possible ways to give this another outcome…
“Excuse me… Dr. Keller… Could you look at this for me, please? I have the feeling I might have stumbled over a very fascinating poisonous plant on M6I-745…” Or maybe that will have to wait until she took care of Dr. Parrish. But after that, she’ll definitely think of something.
~*~
TBC in Something That Ain't Real