FanFic100: #089 Work
Feeling uncomfortable she nearly squirms in her chair, trying at least not to look like she doesn’t want to be here. Opposite to her, Sheppard takes his time with going through her file and her request. He doesn’t look at her and it’s quiet in the room, apart from the occasional sound of rustling paper when Sheppard turns over another page. She thinks she can almost hear his thoughts.
It’s another reason why she knows she has to go and it’s another thing that’s really weighing her down. She looks down on her hands, is almost shocked at how nervously her fingers are moving and forces herself to stop it. There’s nothing to be nervous about. She’s here because she has made a decision; the only possible decision she could have made under the given circumstances. Probably for the first time in her life she has made a really grown-up decision, carefully weighing the pros and cons, thinking more of others than of herself, bearing the consequences of her actions four weeks ago.
But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s fucking miserable. She feels the tears that already annoyed her when finally writing that request coming back and starts cursing Sheppard for prolonging her misery like that. When Sheppard finally looks at her again, she’s almost ready to lose her nerve. He scrunches his forehead. “Are you sure about this, Captain?” Dammit, she knew this question would come but she had hoped it wouldn’t have come quite so early. Instead she would have liked to have the chance to talk herself into self-assuredness… to avoid what’s happening now: she’s second-guessing her decision.
She takes a deep breath. “Yes, sir, I am.” No, sir, she isn't. But it’s the only way to make up for what happened in Scotland, four weeks ago. She broke Carson’s heart and in a way she also broke Evan’s heart… and she broke her own heart but she refuses to give importance to that.
Sheppard doesn’t look very convinced. “You know… you can still take this back, Captain. It would be a great loss for the Expedition if you left.” She doubts that. Or at least she doubts that for two members of this Expedition. By now she’s sure that Evan and Carson would be better off with her gone.
“I appreciate that, sir. However…” She takes another deep breath, “sometimes… sometimes there are things that develop bigger dynamics than one expected.” Sheppard throws her a look that tells her that he’s almost surprised at how well she could euphemize what happened at her supposed wedding and afterwards.
He presses his lips together and nods. “Believe it or not, Captain… but I know very well what you’re talking about.” What he doesn’t say is, “But I don’t run away from it.” She wishes he had because that would have given her a reason to step back from her decision.
But then she remembers Carson’s quiet suffering and Evan’s stone-faced determination to treat her solely as a subordinate and she knows why she has to leave Atlantis. “I do believe you, sir.” And it’s true since she was here before Elizabeth Weir disappeared and she sees day in day out what seeing Teyla with Torren and Kanaan does to him.
Her CO throws her a rather wary look but doesn’t comment any further. Instead he takes a deep breath himself, wants to say something… and shakes his head. After wiping a hand over his face and giving a low frustrated… growl he shuts her file, shoves it away and leans on his desk, “Okay, Cadman, this is stupid. You and I… we both know that you’re not leaving because you ‘have reached your potential here’ and are seeking a posting that offers you ‘career options that are better suited to you.’.”
Dammit. She knew he’d never buy the reason for leaving she put in her request. She just never expected him to act on it. “Sir, I…” He raises his eyebrows. “I just felt that I needed… I…” She falters, hating herself for that. But there’s just something in his scrutinizing look that makes her unable to lie to him.
He leans back, shaking his head again. “Who are you trying to kid, Cadman?”
She wants to answer… but can’t. Instead of whatever lie she had wanted to dish out to him, she finally says, defeated, “Mostly myself, sir.”
With the faintest of smirks, Sheppard nods. “Thought so.” He runs a hand through his unruly hair and leans forward again, now something of a resigned look on his face. “Now that we cleared this up… mind telling me why you really want to leave?”
She has the distinct feeling that he knows exactly why she wants to be as far away from Atlantis as possible… he’d been there, after all. But she also has the distinct feeling that he still wants to hear it from her. Now she leans back in her seat and her hand wanders to the tip of her pony tail, twisting it while she answers, still a little reluctant. “I think… I think my staying here would… not be beneficial for the…”
“Dammit, Cadman!” Sheppard’s hand slams down on his desk and the bang makes her jump - which only tells her how screwed she is, considering bangs are part of her job description. “Just fucking stop this formal bullshit.”
This… surprises her. Sheppard was never the typical CO, even for a zoomie. And that’s why she’s so perplexed by his hefty reaction. It confuses her so much that she’s speechless for a moment. Then she tries a tentative, “Sorry… sir?”
He nods, still fuming. “Yeah, you better.” Then he sighs. “Look, Captain… you’re one of my most trusted officers, you could have your own team next time the Daedalus arrives with fresh troops, you’re number one on the list for the next head of the explosions lab… do you really want to throw the towel for a broken heart?”
“Three broken hearts, sir,” she quietly contradicts him, not caring anymore if this is too personal or not. At least it’s openly on the table now.
“Right. Three broken hearts.” The look in Sheppard’s eyes indicates that he knows how great the strain is that this takes on Evan and Carson… which is why she doesn’t understand why he’s so intent on keeping her in Atlantis. Doesn’t he see how much Evan suffers from seeing her each day, not together with Carson but still too far out of his reach, because of several reasons? And doesn’t he see how Carson suffers because he’s caught between reliving the day she stood him up before the altar over and over again and hoping she might come back to him?
Another deep breath. “Sir… to put it blankly: Major Lorne and Dr. Beckett don’t show their usual performance. They… are unhappy with the current situation and put this before their duty. Someone… someone had to make a decision. And that someone had to be me.”
What she doesn’t say is that it’s not only about Evan and Carson suffering but about her suffering as well. She’s sick of seeing Carson and being speechless because she always feels like apologizing and at the same time doesn’t know how to apologize for what she did to him. She also doesn’t want to see Evan anymore, always wanting to talk to him like they used to but too afraid of what might happen between them if they did… she knows that the only way to get over these confusing and frightening feelings is to be away from Evan and Carson.
Sheppard looks at her, thoughtful now… and that makes her afraid that again she’d been too easy to read, that he knows what’s going through her mind… “I’ll be honest with you, Cadman: Letting you go will be a great loss. I also think… you’ll regret it. What you wrote there… that’s just bullshit. You know as well as I that the conditions here for your scientific success as well as your development as an officer are the best you can get.” She’s quiet now because she has never heard him talk like this before… like a real CO.
She’s also quiet because essentially… Sheppard’s right. She has told everyone - including herself - that she wants to go back to Earth to go back to school, get her PhD and that now is the right time for that. But deep down she knows that this is just an excuse. If she were honest, she knew very well that she could achieve all of that in Atlantis as well, maybe even better than at any university. However… it all comes back to her and Evan and Carson and the frightening tangle that is everything between them.
Her CO looks like he has seen it working inside of her head and now seems to find a point where to cut in again. “Look, Cadman… I do see what’s happening between you and your two guys,” she wants to cut in and remind him that neither of them is her guy but he doesn’t let her, “but I also don’t want to lose a very valuable officer forever. So… how about something in between?”
She feels herself raising her eyebrows. “Sir?”
He grins a little. What’s so amusing, she thinks and feels irritation coming up. “I got a suggestion. You get your request approved.” At that she wants to thank him but obviously he isn't finished yet. “But only if you agree to reconsider it after a defined amount of time. Pick anything between six months and a year, but pick something. And mean it, Captain. I’ll personally check that you did.” Argh, is she really that easy to see through? “If you decide then that you still don’t want to come back… fine. But if you decide you do want to come back, there will be a spot open for you.”
She wants to ask him how he can be so sure about that but for some reason she has the feeling that if Sheppard promises something like that he will do everything to keep to this promise. And that he would be honestly offended if she openly doubted it. So she bites her lip and forces herself to really consider his offer. Basically… it means that he forces her to confront the issue with Evan and Carson. Either confront it now… or in a few months… but confront it, she must.
Six months to a year… that’s a lot of time and a lot could happen in that time. Carson - and Evan as well, which gives her another unsuspected stab - could find another woman to be happy with, she could find another man… and she doesn’t even want to think about some of the other things that could happen to either of them in the course of that year. Still… she knows with all her heart that she has to go now, as hard as it may be. And if her only way to that is taking Sheppard’s offer of rethinking her decision in a few months… then so be it.
She straightens up and Sheppard gives her a look that says “Well?” After clearing her throat she finally feels ready to answer, “I think I can live with that, sir.”
Does she detect a certain amount of smugness on his face? “Fair enough. You’ll leave in two weeks.”
The first thing she feels at that is an unbelievable amount of relief… immediately followed by a wave of sadness at having to leave behind the city, the galaxy… and countless friends like Teyla, Jennifer, Maureen… and Evan and Carson. As good as it is that she won’t run into them anymore, she also knows she’ll miss both of them terribly. But she has made her decision, Sheppard has approved her request… there’s no turning back now. “Thank you, sir.”
He nods, still looking a little like he’s disappointed that she decided against staying here. “Just remember that I’ll check back on that promise you made.” She nods, knowing that he would, no matter how the circumstances may have changed by then. “Well then… dismissed, Captain.”
She stands up; ready to leave… but shortly before she reaches his door he adds as an aside, “I sure hope you’ll say your proper goodbyes to Major Lorne and Dr. Beckett. They both deserve as much.”
Yeah, right. Of course. She sighs. “Yes, sir. Of course, sir.” Sheppard just nods and she’s finally free to go… and even though she’d resolved she would treat Sheppard’s clauses as an irritating addendum she should simply ignore as long as she could… she already has started to ponder if and how and when she would and could return to Atlantis as she’s on her way to her quarters to start packing.