FanFic100: #009 Months
It’s been a few months now and he knows he should really start to get over it all. Or at least make up his mind if he’s going to stay in Atlantis or not. Or - even better - finally acknowledge that he needs to get away from this city as far as he can… not only one galaxy, but maybe two of them. At least. It wouldn’t be as bad if it was just about avoiding her and him - he still has a hard time saying their names in his head - but it’s about so much more.
It’s about this whole bloody city that won’t him let stop thinking about her, about the wedding that never happened, about his inability to let go. She’s everywhere - in the infirmary, on the balconies, in the jumper bay… even on the mainland. And it’s not only her that is everywhere, it’s them. The corridor where they kissed for the first time, the mess hall where they passed endless hours of conversation, the pier where he proposed…
God, how he wants to be happy for her, to accept that she chose someone else, to acknowledge that she knew very well what she did to him and that she never wanted to hurt him. It’s just that… he still doesn’t really get it. Was it his fault it had to come to this? Because now, months after the wedding that never was, he is starting to admit to himself that he should have seen it earlier… that he saw it earlier but turned a blind eye on the thing between Major Lorne… and his Laura.
He’d wanted so hard to believe that Laura was his again and that they could do it right this time that he willfully blanked out what everyone else apart from the three of them saw. If he’s honest, he should have confronted her with it and forced her to make a real decision, not just take the easy way out. Instead he had proposed, even though an evil voice in the back of his mind had whispered to him that things had changed and that she just accepted because she didn’t dare considering taking the rocky road of non-frat reg violation… because he was the safe bet, the terrain she knew.
She had tried to explain to him that it was her, not him… and that she knew she caused him a lot of pain… had apologized for it a thousand times and told him that it was still better like this. It might hurt now, she’d said, but it’s better like this than how it would have been if she had married him. She said she always would have wondered if it was really the right decision, questioned their marriage, wondered if she was living a lie… and that he would have noticed it and been unhappy as well.
And the worst thing is: She’s probably right. When he sees her now with Major Lorne, he sees her genuinely happy, radiating off a glow she was missing when they were together, despite everything she went through with the Major to keep their relationship from ruining their careers. It hurts to see that he could never give her what the Major gives her, no matter how hard he tried. He just can’t stop wondering what exactly it is that he doesn’t have, even though he knows obsessing about it is a bloody bad idea.
So he keeps avoiding them, burying himself in work, putting off his final decision on leaving Atlantis ad infinitum although he knows he should get away from here as fast as he can, if he ever wants to get over her. It’s just that… leaving would feel like giving up, surrendering, finally admitting his defeat. In a corner of his mind he still harbors the hope that she might realize she made the wrong decision and come back to him, even though it’s ridiculous and borders on self-humiliation. Even if she did, he should never take her back, just for leaving him standing at the altar and the shame and hurt he felt at that.
But she won’t do it anyway. When he can’t get around it and has to see her with Major Lorne, he knows without fail that nothing will get between those two, no matter how heated their fights can be. Maybe… maybe that’s their secret. Laura and him… they never had any real fights, mostly because in the end he usually gave in, careful not to endanger the relationship by antagonizing stubborn and impulsive Laura. He has seen Laura and Major Lorne fight twice, both times by accident, and both times they didn’t cut each other any slack. And they are still going strong… stronger than he and Laura ever were.
He sighs. It’s really no use staying in Atlantis, no matter how often he has told her and himself he’s okay with everything. He’s not and maybe he’ll never be, and he just decided that it’s finally enough. Resolutely, he gets up, puts his tray away and heads for his quarters. He really, really has to write that transfer request… regardless if it feels like giving up or not. Sometimes… giving up on things is better than stubbornly holding on to them, most of all when they’re bad for you. In fact… that’s what Laura did and it made her happy. It’s time he gets back some of that happiness as well.