Invincible

[geelibra]

And here is my short story I wrote as an English assignment. Forgive my blatant jacking of names. If you find typos, you know, tell me. Concrit is appreciated, but if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all.

Comments

[enigmacyofme]

overall it is of proffesional quality. the style of writing reminds very much of european literature, with such detail and exquisite explanations that are intertwined with the story itself. I personally enjoyed, I would like to see what you can do with a longer piece of writing.

there is one paragraph that bothers me:

The sprinkler automatically turned on and I was sprayed with a mist of warm water. How disgusting is that? I wiggled out of the spray’s wrath and right then and there, I decided it was a wonderful day despite the horribly lovely weather. That was what was so beautiful about the desert. No matter how treacherous the weather was, it would always be a wonderful view.

ok...
mist-wrong word choice
disguisting-wrong word choice
horribly- thats a derrogatory term, and then u go on to say it is beautiful, i understand what u are trying to do, but it just sounds bad and is a little confusing.

other than that. u have skillz.

[geelibra]

Oh hey, thanks, bb!

I know where you're coming at with the 'mist' thing, since you know, sprinklers hardly mist, but please take into account that this story is set in Vegas, where droughts are very frequent and water supplies need to be taken care of. Have you ever been sprayed by warm water in the summer? lol it's like having a dog sweat all over you.

And I think maybe I should have used the word 'terribly', but my teacher didn't call me out on it, so... I left it like that when I sent it to him... But I think when I was writing it I took it in the context that she was completely bitter about how beautiful the day was, because she's so down that she wants everything to be down with her.

tysm =] <3

[vamp_emo_lurve]

uhm.. is it that you should never think that you're invincible and don't believe in curses? sorry, I'm bad at this.
well, I see that there's stuff with drunk drivers so I assume that it says that drunk drivers are bad.
question, is Boyd supposed to be Bden?
anyways, it's really really good and really really sad D=

[geelibra]

Oh, you. :3 Your attempt is just precious.

BUT YEAAAAAH... no, Boyd is not Bden, because then this would be fanfiction, and that would be WEIRD to hand in.

I'll fill you in on Saturday because I really need to share all the symbolism and ITS DRIVING MY FUCKING NUTS AKSJFHLSDKF

[geelibra]

bitch, friend me back already~ khkjsdlhf
don't make me have to log in for you and do it myself!
actually, that might not be a bad idea.

[geelibra]

oh, wow, thanks so much! <3

xo